19 & almost engaged

[hopelessly_naive]

My boyfriend and I are both 19, we meet when we were 13 or 14. We were eachothers first real bf/gf, that whole thing happened shortly before my 16 birthday. We didn't speak for three years, then he emailed me and we were both amazed how easy it still was to talk to eachother.

 

We've been dating for nearly 10 months and are planning on getting engaged on our anniversary (he's one of those romantic types:p ). This isn't something either of us were looking for or planned on, we truely do love eachother.

 

Our problem is our parents, his want him to dump me and have blatently told him so. Mine constantly tell me he's going to dump me and I should be prepared for the inevitable.

 

I know we're young but this just feels so right, he was the one who originally brought up the marriage thing in case anyone thinks I'm one of those crazed people who constantly think and dream about marriage, I'm not, we're eloping because I hate the stress of weddings so much!

 

We just don't know how to make our parents okay with this, we're planning on a two year engagement approximently (that's when I graduate from college). Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get our parents to accept this or is it completely hopeless?

 

If they don't we're still going through with it, this whole thing doesn't worry him it worries me, I don't want to have to sit across the table from his mother every Christmas avoiding eyecontact.

[norajane]

Why do his parents want him to dump you? Is it because they don't like you, or because they think you're both too young to be deciding on marriage at this point?

[JamesM]

You are young, but youngsters like you do get married. Being a parent...but not of teenagers, I do know that parents usually have their children's best interest at heart. However, they base their on how they perceive the situation or person.

 

As NJ does asked...I see...why do his parents want you to dump you?

 

Do your parents like him or do they say he will dump you because of his parents?

[hopelessly_naive]

His parents have been dating since they were 15 and his dad has been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 years. His dad is afraid his son will end up as miserable has him.

 

His mom is upset because he goes to a university that is 40 minutes from my house. She thinks I resent him for this and will try to convince him to drop out of college (I'm not and he needs to live there for half the week because I hate the thought of him commuting, he tends to fall asleep behind the wheel). She wants him to dump me so he would date a girl who lived on campus near him. She's a little less blatent with her opinions so it's harder to tell.

 

We haven't announced that we're planning on getting engaged, but his parents found out although they don't think that we know. They had these same objections before they knew we were seriously discussing marriage.

 

My parents think we're young (they are completely ignorent of our intentions) and that if they warn me that we will more then likely break up it will lessen the pain of it if it happens. Their intentions are not to be cruel, and I doubt they will object to the actual engagement, but they might step up their "friendly" warnings.

[norajane]

Sounds like time and a little patience will work to help his mom come around. She'll see that you're not trying to get him to drop out of college and that your relationship is good, so her primary concerns will ease after a bit.

 

Sounds like your parents are just cautious about you getting a broken heart. With time, they'll also see how committed your guy is to you.

 

The big problem is going to be his dad, and time isn't going to fix that because of the situation he's in. There really isn't anything you can do - he may grudgingly come to accept your marriage one day, but he'll be fearful that his son will end up unhappy some years down the line.

 

Two years is a long time for an engagement, so that might help ease everyone's worries a little - you're not rushing into the actual marriage. My advice is to take it one day at a time and not worry about it. Things have a way of working out for the best in the end.

[hopelessly_naive]

Thank you, I'll try to remember that. I also shared this thread with my boyfriend, we're both just finding this whole situation rather frustrating.

 

I keep trying to feel comfortable again in his parents home (my boyfriends weekend home) but I can't. I know apart of that is in my head, but even he admits that his parents are resentful that when he comes home on the weekends he spends as much time as he can with me.

 

We've always been a couple that needs our space but with him being gone four days a week we spend the three days we have together. Hopefully things will settle down soon but at the moment I don't see an end to this.

[Gunny376]

(I know this ~because I've researched it and wrote a paper in college on the subject) you and the beloved BF have a 10% of making this marriage work ~ even with the long engagement. That's the success rate for men that get married under the age of 25.

 

The person you and he are at 19 is vastly different from the one that you're goig to be 10 years from now.

 

If you're determined to do this ~ then you need to get pro-active. I would highly recommend that you go ye to the local book store and begin reading ~ especially about marriage, relationships, personal finance. Goggle "MarriageBuilders" and read about the train wreck there. And about what it truly takes to make a marriage work.

 

Its not just about romance ~ its about maintaining balance between work, carrer goals, being a parent, being a spouse, being a provider, being a student, etc.

 

The big "killer" of young relationships is trying to do too much too soon, and trying to have too much, obtain too much too soon. The consumer~finance industry makes this way too easy. Therefore you need to read Dave Ramesy's books, and Hellen Hunt's "Debt Free Living" I would also recommend Dr. Hellen Kreidmen's "Light Her Fire" and "Light His Fire" again this is a paid site so I can't link you, as that's against LS policy.

 

Its all well and good that you're going to college ~ but that in an of itself doesn't mean you''re going to hav the life of Riley. 80% of the jobs out here don't require a college education ~ but they do require more education than a HS degree. A "certified" Volvo senior technician isn't the same as a "gresse monkey" nor a "shade tree Sam" But they do pull down $60 to $70,000 a year! Working on a 54 Chevy is one thing ~ working on a Volvo is another. Most mechaics run and hide from Volvo's.