He still talks to his ex, who wants him

[tidal]

I have known the guy I am dating for about a year through friends. I knew that he was single and his ex-girlfriend broke up with him about a year ago. I did not hear anything else about her during any conversations.

 

So we start dating and I notice that his ex-girlfriend, who still hangs out with our group of friends, is getting jealous and really upset. He explains to me this entire situation:

 

Two years ago she broke up with him because they argued all the time. He tried to get her back and a few months later they get back together. A few months after that, he breaks up with her. They stay broken up but still stay in touch with each other a lot. She begins to want him back saying that breaking up with him was a huge mistake. He tells her that she's just emotional and they should see how things are in a year. However, that does not stop him from having sex with her in June. It was July that him and I started dating.

 

SO, even though I think things are going really well with us, he still goes out to dinner with her and she'll come over to his house and hang out in the evenings. He swears that she always calls him and makes the invitations and that they don't do anything. Also, he came out and told me that she doesn't necessarily want to get back together with him, but she still wants to have sex with him.

 

Is this entire thing trouble? Should I just let him figure out the stuff with his ex before trying to attempt something new? Is she being irrational? Is he trying to have both of us? How can I handle this?

 

The situation is extra tricky because him and I are only casually dating. I'd say it's exclusive but it's not super serious yet (that's a whole other post in itself). So I feel that I don't really have much say in who he hangs out with.

[nicki]

No, you can't tell him what to do. But you can tell him what you need from him in order to be with you.

 

You have a lot of power right now. Things are new. He wants to do whatever it takes to be with you.

 

Don't demand. Just phrase things as a request or just calmly state that you don't date guys who still have close contact with their exes. Say it's cool if someone wants to do that, but you think it interferes with new relationships. So you wouldn't put yourself in that situation.

 

Tell him you don't compete with other women for a man's affection or time. Again, make it sound like it's okay for him to be friends with her, just not okay for you to stick around if that's going on.

 

See if something like that opens up a dialogue with him. Bottom line: he should care more about what YOU want, than what SHE wants. If he really wants to friends with her and he knows she's interested in him, then you don't need the headache. It's your choice to leave, really.

 

You don't have to put up with an uresolved ex situation. If she wants him, she will pursue him, probably endlessly now that she is in competition with you.

 

He need to send her a clear message that he's not interested in her. He does that by NOT spending time with her, or talking to her on the phone.

 

Instead, he puts his energy into his new relationship with YOU.

 

Not wanting to be in a love triangle with an ex is a reasonable expectation on your part.

 

Please don't act cool with a situation that bothers you. Because a year down the line you won't have a leg to stand on if they are getting closer and closer, while you grow more upset and more insecure.

 

See, it's all a habit. How you begin a relationship is very important. Draw the boundaries now, nicely and firmly, while he is highly motivated to be with you.

 

Personally, I've been through this ex crap before. What I've learned is that I don't want to be with a guy who has a dependency on his ex, or has an ex who is pursuing him and getting in the way of MY relationship.

 

If they are calling each other regularly, sharing problems and intimacy, then that's interfering in your growing intimacy with your guy.

 

I wouldn't want them hanging out EVER, unless it was a group thing and I was there, too. Even then, he better not encourage her behavior. In fact, he should back her off and pay attention to YOU while she's around.

 

Anyway, don't feel like you have to play the "nice, easy-going" woman who goes along with whatever their guy wants. Men don't respect doormats. Emotionally healthy guys want a partner who shares her thoughts.

 

Women who ask for what they want, command a guy's respect. Just be calmly assertive. Say what you want. See if he can deliver it. If not, then bye bye.

 

Believe me, there are plenty of guys who don't stay friends with their exes because of the very concern you have.

[tikigods]

Don't do anything with him till he gets rid of the ex, if he is still going out to dinner with her, still havig her over KNOWING that she still wants him and wants to have sex with him, I say those are some HUGE red flags that I would avoid this guy and his baggage like a sale the day after Xmas!

[EnigmaXOXO]

No, you can't tell him what to do. But you can tell him what you need from him in order to be with you.

 

Don't demand. Just phrase things as a request or just calmly state that you don't date guys who still have close contact with their exes. Say it's cool if someone wants to do that, but you think it interferes with new relationships. So you wouldn't put yourself in that situation.

 

Please don't act cool with a situation that bothers you. Because a year down the line you won't have a leg to stand on if they are getting closer and closer, while you grow more upset and more insecure.

 

See, it's all a habit. How you begin a relationship is very important. Draw the boundaries now, nicely and firmly, while he is highly motivated to be with you.

 

I'm with Nicki. Beautifully stated and spot on!

[tidal]

This is perfect, I want to give a recent example of this situation, though Nicki has been already quite helpful:

 

Saturday night him and I have plans to go out late. At 7p my roomie calls him (we're all friends) and tells me that J just woke up and has some stuff to do. Since me and my roomate are starving, we decide to go to dinner. J calls me just as we finish dinner and says, "oh, you didn't call me and say you were going to dinner." Then he called his ex-girlfriend and invited her out to dinner. Granted, right after he left and spent the rest of the evening with me.

 

I told him on Sunday that I would obviously rather eat dinner with him than have him go on a date with his ex girlfriend. He immediately grew defensive stating, "it wasn't a date, we split the bill. it might not have been appropriate. but i spent the entire time talking about you anyway, literally"

 

The complication is that I just got out of a relationship a few months ago and just moved here so I have a whole lot of other life-settling things to figure out. I am not sure I want to really get into an intense relationship. So thus far we have kept things pretty casual, mainly just as someone to hang out with. As well, he has his whole ex-closure thing to deal with, so he probably isn't ready either. But we both do definitely like each other. It's just retarded that we're both holding back; we both have definitely have commitment and trust issues as well.

 

So part of me says, "this isn't serious, so i shouldn't really care about what's going on. i don't want to rock the boat." What's rather amusing is that he has come out and tell me that he would not like it one bit if the situation was reversed. Oh and another part of me says, "He is just using me to manipulate her." Of course this one worries me the most.

 

I actually did request once that he still answer the phone if I call and he's hanging out with her. He took that calmly and said that he would. Not that I'd know if he was or not.

 

Okay so perhaps I will take Nicki's advice and just flat out tell him that the situation is ridiculous and is not something I want to be a part of. If he is not willing to even try to weed her out of his life, then that is clearly him making a decision. Frankly, I believe most of it is him liking the attention.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think it's okay to hang out together as friends occasionally so long as you don't get too deeply wrapped up in the guy. It takes a while after you first meet someone to make the transition from being single to being in a monogamous relationship. I'd worry about anyone who was quick to toss their friends overboard immediately upon dating someone new --- especially when you have no idea where that relationship is going.

 

But until you're comfortable with where his head and heart is at, you shouldn't feel obliged to give up any part of your single life, either. You should feel perfectly comfortable meeting and dating other guys without hiding the fact from him. I'd even make it a point not to be available to him each and every time he calls wanting some company. And you don't have to give any part of yourself away, or make any promises to him that you might regret in hindsight if you discover later on that this is one of those guys who are more attached to their past relationship partners than their current one. With guys like this, you'll often find you're better off remaining one of their "gal pals" (like the rest of them) because you'll get a helluva lot more consideration. For whatever reason, some folks just always want what they can't have.

 

Meanwhile, make sure you don't allow yourself to become a pawn to make some other girl jealous … let him use other women to manipulate you into competing for his attention and time … or let him disrespect you by maneuvering you into the other woman position. Stick to your personal boundaries, and if you don't eventually win over his fickle heart, than at least you'll earn his respect.

 

What's rather amusing is that he has come out and tell me that he would not like it one bit if the situation was reversed.

 

 

Double standards??? Now THAT should tell you something about the selfish character of this guy and his total lack of ability to empathize. Let's just hope he eventually grows up one day so that he's ready to do the inside work required to become a considerate adult and/or relationship partner.

[FolderWife]

You and he will date. He will tell her every detail of your relationship because she is his "friend". That will only make them closer.

 

Then, you two will have a fight. She'll be there for him. You'll be ready to make up, but he won't, because she's in the background egging him on to stay mad at you.

 

So you will get mad that he is still mad. Suddenly, you are just like every other woman...a hater. She is different though...she is pleasant, and caring, and always there for him.

 

So basically, you dating him is just going to push them closer together.

 

In conclusion: they are going to get back together whether you are in the picture or not. please just take yourself out of the picture...there is no sense in you getting hurt because these two ninnies don't know what they want!

[Guest]

It truly amazes me to read this stuff. I always think that I'm the only one going through these situations! Why is it that guys have "friends" that they can't "hurt" because they're such good "friends". But in the process they're hurting the one they're currently with. I am glad that I stumbled upon this site. It has put things into perspective for me, to the point where it's not an ultimatum at all. It's simply that I don't want to be a part of a person who operates that way. And you're all correct, people dont usually change. Thank you all for the bonding session !

[almostthere]

All i can say from my own experience is leave. Tell him to straighten things out with his ex before he calls again. I wish i would have done that. My bf and his exw had so many problems. I have posted hours and hours on here about the rocky road I have had to deal with. I wish i would have said that. We are living together now and I love him a lot but i have so much resentment for what he did and allowed to happen. Sometimes I still hurt over it and debate breaking up with him for things he caused to happen a year ago! I know that sounds stupid but give him time. Wait until you feel like he cannot possibly walk over you one more time. Then that little thing happens even after all is good for a little while and you want to break up all over again. Its horrible. Dont date anyone with baggage (exw baggage I dont mean children...they are not baggage).

 

Thats my best advice from someone who knows and regrets not walking away.

[catgirl1927]

I would run like the wind. No drama, no hard feelings, just cut off romantic ties with this guy. He and this girl go back and forth all the time, I would wait until that mess was cleaned up before getting in the middle of it.