Need with a LDR with a 1 yr Law Student

[nosferatu808]

I have no real place to turn because no one I know is involved in a LDR, so here I am. I met my girlfriend when her family relocated here (Hawaii) last year and we became friends. About 6 months ago we decided to give it a shot and spent a lot of time together... I met her for lunch a good number of days during the weekday and we spent the weekeneds together (she even stayed at my place for a good number of weekends).

 

We had a close relationship very quickly and it was fantastic, I have a flexible job so I was able to take time off when she needed or hand a break, I picked her up from work when she needed a ride, I spent time with her younger sister, went on mini vacations... you name it, we did it. But we knew that there was little time because she got accepted to a very prestigious law school on the East Coast (practically Ivy League).

 

I went up with her to help her get settled in... it is a 13 hour plane ride each way for me being 6,000 miles apart... but I told her I would get back up there every other month at least to see her. She said she would write and call... the first few days she did but 2 weeks into law school, she has practically stopped communicating. I get her on the phone very randomly but she always says "I'm busy, I have to go" and we have about 2-3 minutes to talk every other day.

 

It hurts... we spent a lot of time together and I feel things have changed so quickly in two weeks. I know law school is demanding, especially the law school she is in. But I have a feeling that it's hard for her because I am so far away and I think that she has a case of "out of sight, out of mind". She tells me she loves me though usually she'll just hang up on me without saying it these days. I ask her if she needs time apart and she says no, but then she won't return calls or if she says she will call me back, she forgets.

 

I don't know how to deal with a 1st year law student, especially in a LDR... we've already talked about me possibly moving (my current job is incredible but she is worth more to me) at the end of her first year if we can survive... but it's been two weeks and here we are. She said that when I visit her next, she doesn't know if she'll be able to be 'intimate' with me... but it's not because she doesn't love me. I don't understand what that means... she made it sound like law school has driven the passion from her, is that possible? I need help... a lot of it.

[AlwaysHope]

hi! sorry to hear about how difficult your situation is, but i have some words of comfort and maybe some advice.

 

my boyfriend recently moved to a different city and started his first year of medical school, so i'm in a similar situation. he is constantly busy; we hardly have time to talk, and when we do it's only for a few minutes. school causes him a lot of stress (understandably), so sometime he isn't "lovey-dovey," and forgets to call me or doesn't call until late late late at night. but even though it's ahrd to keep in touch while he's away, when we're together it's the BEST thing in the world. that's why we're still trying to make it even though we're LD right now.

 

your girlfriend may just be stressed. starting professional school is a major life change, and it's hard to adapt. try to be understanding...i've had to take a lot of deep breaths and be very patient with my boyfriend.

 

try to wait until you see her again to make a judgment. if you're still wild about each other, you'll know! if the relationship is fading, you'll definitely be able to tell when you're with her in person. unfortunately, some people just aren't cut out for LDRs.

 

the only thing that would worry me is that your gf has already warned you that she might not be "intimate" with you. how does she know? is she just so tired that she already knows how she'll feel? she doesn't think that when she sees you again she'll want to be with you? that sounds like she might be pushing you away, or distancing herself a little bit.

 

well good luck! i hope you feel better about the long-distance thing; having a bf or gf in professional school is hard for anyone, but even harder when they're far away.

 

best wishes

[joriel]

Hey There,

 

I decided to respond to these posts b/c I'm on the other end. I'm a med student who has been in an LDR for over a year now.

 

First, I'm glad that you two both realize that your SO's are under a lot of pressure right now. For those schools that rank students it's even worse because it feels like you're competing with the smartest kids you've ever met and some of them have YEARS more experience with the stuff that you're new too. Add that with moving to a new place and having to make new friends (whom you're actually competing with) is ridiculous. Many of my friends and I lost close friends, pissed off or lost SO's, and in general pushed ourselves into a new life where we imagined that only other med/law students could really understand what we were going through.

 

That said, profesisonal school is NOT an excuse to ignore or be unkind to someone you love.

 

For me, I had to realize that if we were going to make it work, I had to include my SO in my successes, failures, and everything in between. I sometimes had to explain what I was learning in lay persons terms. When we learned the complete physical exam, we planned for her to come and visit and then I used my SO to practice and she LOVED being involved. Just because my life was overrun with school didn't mean that there weren't ways for me to include her. Additionally I knew that when we planned to get together I had to stay ON TASK in order to GET AHEAD so that we could have that time together. I let go of some of my other stress relievers (tv, video games, etc.) because I wanted to have time with her to do stuff for us. Finally, I also had to be interested in her life. Frankly, she kept me sane by reminding me that things were happening in the real world. Sometimes that meant simply text messaging me about a news story OR a funny joke.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that we had to establish some give and take AND during the first month, it was all about ME just trying to survive. She knew that I meant it when I said that once I was settled I would make time for her. After I got the hang of things and I knew what to expect, our lives were much better and MUCH LESS TENSE!

 

If you have any questions, keep posting. You CAN both get through this BUT it all depends on how much you're willing to work together and maybe even be on the back burner for a month or two...

[AlwaysHope]

joriel, it was really good to hear from someone on the other end! good for you for keeping your girlfriend involved in your life.

 

i'm about to graduate from nursing school, so my med school bf and i are both going the healthcare route, and that helps a lot. when we get together, we can both study, and ask each other questions, and get advice on the other's profession. so i feel lucky that i have someone i can do that with!

 

however, it does get hard. it always seems that when he's free, i'm busy, and when i'm busy, he's free. there is nothing harder than heading to the library on a friday night when i know he's hanging out at the bar with his friends. i've had a hard time being LD and hearing about the good times he's having with other people; it's hard for me not to get jealous that he's out and i'm studying (not that it happens a lot, as i'm sure you know!). i have to remind myself that sometimes i get to go out and he's stuck studying, and he never pitches a fit over it.

 

i guess the point i'm making is that it's all about understanding. he understands when i have to study/work because he's going through the same thing. i've been working on being more understanding, and when he tells me about his gross anatomy lab or the test he just took, it really hits me how difficult his life is right now.

 

i actually just found an apartment in his town last week, and i'm signing the lease tomorrow! i'm moving up there in februrary to work in Intensive Care, so we won't be LD for much longer. i'm so excited! there's finally a light at the end of the tunnel!!

[nosferatu808]

I think the hardest part is that we've only been officially together for 6 months and that didn't seem like enough time to really sync ourselves together before this big distance.

 

On another note, I am flying up to visit her this coming Friday, it will have been almost a month since I last saw her and I'm hoping that with just a couple of days with her it will help to reaffirm our feelings.

 

She seems to be very fickle, at times caring and at times very cold... I tend to be more emotional than her though, often times more like the 'girl' in the relationship but that's why we work well together, we compliment each other very well. It's just hard to read her and I just feel frustrated sometimes... I tried giving her time without calling her this past week so I wouldn't disturb her. I texted her and emailed her and she wrote back periodically and then we talked a couple of times during the weekend which was nice.

 

I'm just hoping this is enough to keep her happy because she really seems to grow distant quickly which is never a good sign. This is why I'm flying out before I thought I would have to, considering it's a 15 hour flight each way for me... it's not a small feat especially since I'm doing this just for the weekend.

 

I guess the bottom line is we're still syncing ourselves to this relationship quicker than we imagined and with much more stress than she imagined. She keeps saying I have no idea what she's going through, and I don't. I can't, I'm not in law school. I just want her to know that I want to understand and do what I need to do to make her feel like I'm on her team and in her life. That's proving to be the hardest part.