BF admits to looking at girls on the internet

[Guest]

Recently my bf admitted to me that he has looked at naked girls on the internet (which I already knew being that he's a guy). However he made it seem like he's done it since we've been together (1 year) which I guess I didn't expect to hear. He always tells me that I'm so sexy, and I know I definitely turn him on. He's not into porn and really will only go to a strip club for a special occassion (he hasn't been to one since before we started dating). He says that if he goes to a strip club he wouldn't get aroused since he goes to hang out/joke with friends. But he said if he looks at naked girls online he can get aroused if he really concentrates on it but meanwhile I can arouse him in 2 seconds. He says that to him i'm the sexiest girl. I know this is VERY common but I guess I was hoping that I kept him from wanting to look at other girls, especially if he thinks i'm that sexy. We have a very active sex life and its great but somehow I feel like I was a fool to believe that it was enough. I feel so stupid.

[mental_traveller]

Recently my bf admitted to me that he has looked at naked girls on the internet (which I already knew being that he's a guy). However he made it seem like he's done it since we've been together (1 year) which I guess I didn't expect to hear. He always tells me that I'm so sexy, and I know I definitely turn him on. He's not into porn and really will only go to a strip club for a special occassion (he hasn't been to one since before we started dating). He says that if he goes to a strip club he wouldn't get aroused since he goes to hang out/joke with friends. But he said if he looks at naked girls online he can get aroused if he really concentrates on it but meanwhile I can arouse him in 2 seconds. He says that to him i'm the sexiest girl. I know this is VERY common but I guess I was hoping that I kept him from wanting to look at other girls, especially if he thinks i'm that sexy. We have a very active sex life and its great but somehow I feel like I was a fool to believe that it was enough. I feel so stupid.

 

Relax, it's no big deal. You still turn him on a lot after 1 year, he isn't a porn addict, he isn't suffering impotence because he is obsessing over porn stars. What's so bad?

 

Most women would kill to have your "problem". The only way to stop it is to be around him all the time and keep his interest. So maybe you should look at yourself - are you trying hard enough to keep his attention only on you? Men naturally look to get sexual stimulation, if their gfs are not around then they will inevitably feel the urge to get it elsewhere. Your bf is decent enough that he just looks at women online occasionally. Many men will get addicted to porn and lose interest in their woman, and others will go out and cheat. Short of marrying a monk, you've got pretty much the best situaiton you can hope for.

[MenRmyWeakness]

I agree with mental traveller. My boyfriend looks at porn too, and doesn't even really try to hide it. But really, I'm ok with it. This is the way I look at (as a biologist - my profession). Humans are mammels. Every mammel (and in fact every living organism) has the goal of reproducing. By reproducing, you pass on your genes to the next generation, which makes you evolutionarily successful (I apologize if you don't believe in evolution, but hopefully you'll see that this statement doesn't really conflict with any religious beliefs. I'm Christian myself). So, males of a species try to reproduce with as many females as possible, to pass on as many genes as possible. They can do this, because all they invest is their sperm. Females however look for a mate that will care and provide for them in the long term, since they have much more invested (ie a pregnancy and caring for a child). Since they can only reprocuce once in a defined time period (9 months for humans), they are conferred no advantage by having multiple mates. Soooo, if your boyfriend is fulfilling his most natural desires by looking at pictures, but not acting on them, then count yourself lucky. You probably are the sexiest girl to him, but that won't stop him from wanting to imagine having sex with multiple women. I don't think anything can stop men from wanting that!

[Guest]

Relax, it's no big deal. You still turn him on a lot after 1 year, he isn't a porn addict, he isn't suffering impotence because he is obsessing over porn stars. What's so bad?

 

Most women would kill to have your "problem"..... Short of marrying a monk, you've got pretty much the best situaiton you can hope for.

 

You're absolutely right. He really is a great guy. I guess I needed some reasurrance that I wasn't doing anything wrong. Thanks you two!

[littlepiggy1]

Just because someone buys a Ferrari, doesn't mean they don't like checking out a Porsche now and then. It's simply (male) human nature.

 

No matter how hot you are, in most cases a guy is still going to look at and be turned on by other women.

[Pink Amulet]

No matter how hot you are, in most cases a guy is still going to look at and be turned on by other women.

 

Yep.

 

I discovered even if you've got the girl in the full page mens magazine spread they will still perve at the girl on the next page

[Jersey Shortie]

He says that if he goes to a strip club he wouldn't get aroused since he goes to hang out/joke with friends. But he said if he looks at naked girls online he can get aroused if he really concentrates on it but meanwhile I can arouse him in 2 seconds. He says that to him i'm the sexiest girl.

 

 

I think that is a bunch of crap he is feeding you so he can still look at other women and have you on the side. Have his cake and eat it too deal.

[catgirl1927]

No matter how hot you are, in most cases a guy is still going to look at and be turned on by other women.

 

It's terrible that so many people think that a woman should just accept that she will never mean anything or be enough. I have never in real life met anyone who honestly thought that a man needed to fool around to be happy. I just think it's ridiculous.

[littlepiggy1]

It's terrible that so many people think that a woman should just accept that she will never mean anything or be enough.

 

Who is saying this? I think you need to back up and do a reality check here. Being turned on by the appearence of others is something that will always happen regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not. It's not like there is a switch in our brains that says, "whoops, you're in a relationship now, suddenly that hot blonde isn't hot". This isn't realistic.

 

I have never in real life met anyone who honestly thought that a man needed to fool around to be happy. I just think it's ridiculous.

 

Let's back up here: What do you mean by fool around? I was talking about appearences not actually sleeping or messing around with another person.

 

And as far as appearence and attraction goes, you can think it's riciculous, but I think it's ridiculous that women think that their guys are going to suddenly stop finding other women attractive just because they're in a relationship. I don't expect my g/f to stop being turned on by other hot guys.

 

What drives that thinking anyway? Ego? Insecurity?

[catgirl1927]

And there we are! If it's not ok for a man to cheat, then you are "insecure."

 

Of course the hot blonde is still hot. It's one thing to recognize beauty or attractiveness. You said, no matter how hot someone is, their boyfriend/SO still needs to be turned on by other women. Men need more than one woman because one is never enough.

 

I don't think it makes me insecure to ask that someone have enough respect for me to be faithful, and it's criminal in my mind that so many women are convinced they just have to accept it.

[littlepiggy1]

And there we are! If it's not ok for a man to cheat, then you are "insecure."

 

And on the flipside, looking at other women is "cheating" now?

 

Of course the hot blonde is still hot. It's one thing to recognize beauty or attractiveness. You said, no matter how hot someone is, their boyfriend/SO still needs to be turned on by other women. Men need more than one woman because one is never enough.

 

I don't think it makes me insecure to ask that someone have enough respect for me to be faithful, and it's criminal in my mind that so many women are convinced they just have to accept it.

 

Well, they don't have to accept it, but then they will keep coming to these boards to complain about how they "aren't enough" for their guys because they caught them looking at pictures of chicks on the 'net.

 

Like I said, I don't think that's realistic for either sex. And I think that either sex is insecure or egotistical if they think that by being with someone, their partner is going to stop being turned on by the appearance of others.

[catgirl1927]

There is a difference between finding someone attractive and being "turned on." If you're horny for everything that walks by, then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

Looking at other women isn't cheating, but staring at them with a raging erection is certainly disrespectful. If you don't find your SO attractive, why be with them?

 

There's a difference between noticing an attractive woman and gaping at women in front of your girlfriend in a cruel and obvious way.

 

But hey, maybe I'm just conservative. I also think that if your boyfriend is spending the night with another girl, he's probably for sure sleeping with her, and any woman who tolerates that is being naive and disrespectful of herself. Who wants to be with some jerk who thinks he's above self control?

[littlepiggy1]

Looking at other women isn't cheating, but staring at them with a raging erection is certainly disrespectful. If you don't find your SO attractive, why be with them?

 

I notice you keep making this logical error. Just because a guy gets turned on looking at other women, doesn't mean they find their SO unattractive. Guys will be attracted to and turned on by more than one woman at a time. It's the way we are hardwired.

 

Is this different for women? If you are in a relationship do you stop getting turned on by anyone else? (Mind you, I don't think this is the case, because plenty of women use porn, cheat, etc.)

 

There's a difference between noticing an attractive woman and gaping at women in front of your girlfriend in a cruel and obvious way.

 

Wait, are we taking about gaping at other women in front of a g/f, or looking at pictures in our own free time? Can we be consistent about what we are talking about?

[catgirl1927]

I notice you keep making this logical error. Just because a guy gets turned on looking at other women, doesn't mean they find their SO unattractive. Guys will be attracted to and turned on by more than one woman at a time. It's the way we are hardwired.

 

Here we have cheating excused as a biological need of men.

 

Is this different for women? If you are in a relationship do you stop getting turned on by anyone else? (Mind you, I don't think this is the case, because plenty of women use porn, cheat, etc.)

 

There are women who cheat, yes. A fact which nullifies your theory that cheating is a biological need for men. Cheating is something selfish people do because it makes them feel good, with little or no concern for anyone else.

 

Wait, are we taking about gaping at other women in front of a g/f, or looking at pictures in our own free time? Can we be consistent about what we are talking about?

 

You said that men needed to be turned on by more than one woman. That no man can possibly ever be satisfied by sex with only one woman. What we're talking about is, is it ok that men think that being faithful goes against their biology. I said very clearly that finding other women attractive is normal. But the idea that a woman's feelings do not matter is not, I feel, normal.

 

Should someone accept that they will never be enough? If you're a guy who feels that you should be able to do whatever you want whenever you want, then yes. But there are men out there who don't need to cheat. Is looking at porn cheating? Depends. It depends on the relationship.

 

What I really object to here is men coming on and posting that a girl who is made to feel inadequate because her boyfriend needs other women, pictures, live, whatever, to get turned on to have sex with her, should just accept it. Her feelings are valid, and she should not be told that she has to "deal with it" any more than she should have to "deal" with being beaten.

[littlepiggy1]

Here we have cheating excused as a biological need of men.

 

So looking at and being turned on by the appearence of another women is cheating to you? Yes? No? I'm trying to follow here, because you keep making all these equivocations. It's getting tiresome to try to follow.

 

There are women who cheat, yes. A fact which nullifies your theory that cheating is a biological need for men. Cheating is something selfish people do because it makes them feel good, with little or no concern for anyone else.

 

I'm not talking about cheating (at least not how I define it). I'm talking about being turned on by the appearence of another.

 

You said that men needed to be turned on by more than one woman. That no man can possibly ever be satisfied by sex with only one woman.

 

Honestly, it depends. But I'll bet money that 9 times out of 10, a guy will still want to look at other women even if he is in a relationship. In fact, I know of no guy who hasn't.

 

What we're talking about is, is it ok that men think that being faithful goes against their biology. I said very clearly that finding other women attractive is normal. But the idea that a woman's feelings do not matter is not, I feel, normal.

 

I think the woman's feelings do matter, but I think it's also important to have a realistic approach. I mean, c'mon, how many times do we have cases of women that ask their guys to stop looking at porn, only to find out the guy is still doing it behind their backs?

 

That's why I think it's important to develop a realistic attitude towards our sexuality in and out of relationships. If people expect things that just aren't realistic in most cases, then they are going to be continually disappointed.

 

What I really object to here is men coming on and posting that a girl who is made to feel inadequate because her boyfriend needs other women, pictures, live, whatever, to get turned on to have sex with her, should just accept it.

 

That's not the case in the OP, though. So this is irrelevant.

[Jersey Shortie]

"But I'll bet money that 9 times out of 10, a guy will still want to look at other women even if he is in a relationship. In fact, I know of no guy who hasn't."

 

 

That's because men aren't loyal and they don't really love their woman. They should be single because they obviously don't know what goes into a relationship.

 

 

 

"I think the woman's feelings do matter, but I think it's also important to have a realistic approach. I mean, c'mon, how many times do we have cases of women that ask their guys to stop looking at porn, only to find out the guy is still doing it behind their backs?

 

That's why I think it's important to develop a realistic attitude towards our sexuality in and out of relationships. If people expect things that just aren't realistic in most cases, then they are going to be continually disappointed."

 

Considering the things men look at, masturabate to are all about the fantasy and the non-realistic, I guess I find this statement ironic.

 

Maybe if men actually cared about women, you wouldn't have this problem.

[electric_sheep]

It's terrible that so many people think that a woman should just accept that she will never mean anything or be enough. I have never in real life met anyone who honestly thought that a man needed to fool around to be happy. I just think it's ridiculous.

 

Well, I think the above poster should have said ... "no matter how hot you are, your SO is going to occationally be turned on by other guys/girls".

 

I think it's sort of ridiculous to expect anyone (guy or girl) to focus all sexual thoughts on their SO for the rest of their days. I think it's biologically difficult, and I'm not convinced it's morally/ethically necessary. I can certainly understand the desire for monogomy, but I consider the fantasy world an area where one can indulge themselves. I say let your SO fantasize about whatever they want ... it sort of makes monogomy a little more palatable after all.

 

Just last week I told my girlfriend (who is bisexual) to lie back and think about Natalie Portman (whom she has a crush on) while I went down on her.

 

I just think there is more to be gained from this kind of openness and honesty than there is to be lost. If your SO (guy or girl) can really focus all sexual thoughts on you like a laser beam and be happy, then great. I believe that is the rare person though.

[catgirl1927]

So looking at and being turned on by the appearence of another women is cheating to you? Yes? No? I'm trying to follow here, because you keep making all these equivocations. It's getting tiresome to try to follow.

 

The point is not whether or not I think finding another woman attractive or not is cheating. the point I'm trying to make is no woman has to accept anything in a relationship that makes her uncomfortable.

 

I think where I'm getting lost is in the term "turned on." To me, you are "turned on" when you have an erection and are planning to have sex with someone, like with a stripper or if you're looking at porn and masterbating. The launch sequence has been activated, as it were. Seeing a woman and thinking, "wow, she's hot," is not the same as being turned on by her. To me, "turned on" is overtly and agressively sexual. Semantics.

 

Tiresome, huh? Because any time someone disagrees with you, it means they are crazy.

 

I'm not talking about cheating (at least not how I define it). I'm talking about being turned on by the appearence of another.

 

Men have convenient definitions for cheating. Trust me, I've heard 'em all. Men will say ANYTHING to have their cake and eat it too.

 

Honestly, it depends. But I'll bet money that 9 times out of 10, a guy will still want to look at other women even if he is in a relationship. In fact, I know of no guy who hasn't.[\quote]

 

So you know no men who are really in relationships, as I define them. You know men who are f***ing one girl regularly while f***ing others on the side. "Look at"? You keep going from being in a sexual situation with them to just "looking" at them.

 

I think the woman's feelings do matter, but I think it's also important to have a realistic approach. I mean, c'mon, how many times do we have cases of women that ask their guys to stop looking at porn, only to find out the guy is still doing it behind their backs?

 

So a woman's feelings are important as long as you agree with them. A woman has a right to ask that a guy not look at porn. He has a right to say "f*** you, I will do what I want", and break up with her. Everyone's feelings are valid, and no one is obligated to agree. Those women can expect to have to look around to find the right guy for them. Those men can expect to end up with someone who cheats on them, but that's a whole different story.

 

That's why I think it's important to develop a realistic attitude towards our sexuality in and out of relationships. If people expect things that just aren't realistic in most cases, then they are going to be continually disappointed.

 

In other words, accept that men won't be faithful and you'll never be disappointed when they cheat on you.

 

That's not the case in the OP, though. So this is irrelevant.

 

I don't recall mentioning the OP, but you are correct. Sorry for derailing.

[electric_sheep]

What I really object to here is men coming on and posting that a girl who is made to feel inadequate because her boyfriend needs other women, pictures, live, whatever, to get turned on to have sex with her, should just accept it. Her feelings are valid, and she should not be told that she has to "deal with it" any more than she should have to "deal" with being beaten.

 

Of course her feelings are valid. What might not be valid is her expectation in finding the man that will never ever be turned on by another woman again in his life. Of course, I think it's equally impossible to expect to find a woman who will never be turned on by another man.

 

My gf flat out admits to me that she masturbates thinking about other people (she's bi), and I've admitted the same to her. Interestingly, I was content to confine my fantasy world solely to her far longer than she was content to confine it solely to me. I don't think I thought about another woman for the first 6 months.

 

Anyway, now for reality:

Even though men and women both fantasize about others, for whatever reason (be it biological or otherwise) in our society today men are more likely than women to use visual stimuli.

 

Anyone is free to define/enforce whatever terms of conduct they want to in a relationship. The other person is of course free to walk away. Personally I've chosen to "draw the line" only when absolutely necessary for my emotional stability.

 

I think the poster was curious if she should make a big deal over this, or feel inadequate about it, and as several other people have said we think it's actually pretty normal and no reflection of his feelings for her at all.

[littlepiggy1]

The point is not whether or not I think finding another woman attractive or not is cheating. the point I'm trying to make is no woman has to accept anything in a relationship that makes her uncomfortable.

 

Fair enough.

 

I think where I'm getting lost is in the term "turned on." To me, you are "turned on" when you have an erection and are planning to have sex with someone, like with a stripper or if you're looking at porn and masterbating.

 

So you think that looking at porn and masturbating automatically means the person wants to necessarily have sex with the person? There is a difference between fantasy and reality.

 

Tiresome, huh? Because any time someone disagrees with you, it means they are crazy.

 

Um no, but you do make a lot of fallacies. Like the one in the above sentence.

 

So you know no men who are really in relationships, as I define them. You know men who are f***ing one girl regularly while f***ing others on the side. "Look at"? You keep going from being in a sexual situation with them to just "looking" at them.

 

I don't consider looking at and being turned on by a picture of another woman to be the equivilant of screwing another woman. If you do, that's your def, not mine.

 

So a woman's feelings are important as long as you agree with them.

 

That's not what I said. I was talking about having realisitic expectations so that one does not get repeatedly disappointed when those expectations are not met.

 

A woman has a right to ask that a guy not look at porn. He has a right to say "f*** you, I will do what I want", and break up with her. Everyone's feelings are valid, and no one is obligated to agree. Those women can expect to have to look around to find the right guy for them. Those men can expect to end up with someone who cheats on them, but that's a whole different story.

 

So a woman that is okay with her man looking a porn is going to cheat huh? Seems like yet another fallacy to me (generalization).

[Gia77]

I think that is a bunch of crap he is feeding you so he can still look at other women and have you on the side. Have his cake and eat it too deal.

 

That's really rude. If her boyfriend was so into that stuff wouldn't he have gone to those places at least once in the last year? Maybe that is how your guy feels, and who can blame him? After all he has to deal with your pessimistic and nasty attitude!

[Gia77]

It's terrible that so many people think that a woman should just accept that she will never mean anything or be enough. I have never in real life met anyone who honestly thought that a man needed to fool around to be happy. I just think it's ridiculous.

 

What are you talking about?????? Catgirl, I've read your previous posts and I honestly think you need counseling or some sort of help. No offense. And you have a boyfriend too? You think he doesn't love you b/c he finds other girls attractive too? I mean at this point, let me tell you, if your boyfriend continues to put up with your negativity DAY AFTER DAY, trust me, it's love, or he would have broken up with you by now. Why do you think your boyfriend needs other women to get turned on by you? Does insisit on watching a porno right before he has sex with you? He probably gets more turned on by you than anyone else, and honestly if you lost the attitude I think you would be sexier. Don't you think Tom Cruise is hot (I DO!)? Does that mean you would cheat on your bf with him if you could? (I wouldn't). Why do you think he would? Sorry if you took offense to anything I said, I do feel bad for you.

[catgirl1927]

What are you talking about?????? Catgirl, I've read your previous posts and I honestly think you need counseling or some sort of help. No offense.

 

Wow. I thought piggy was condescending. So if I have a different opinion than you about fidelity then I need counseling?

 

And you have a boyfriend too? You think he doesn't love you b/c he finds other girls attractive too? I mean at this point, let me tell you, if your boyfriend continues to put up with your negativity DAY AFTER DAY, trust me, it's love, or he would have broken up with you by now.

 

Yes, I do have a boyfriend. Amazingly enough. And he doesn't need to sleep with other people. And newsflash, toots, getting upset about cheaters bragging on the internet is not my entire life. Don't presume that you know anything about me.

 

Why do you think your boyfriend needs other women to get turned on by you? Does insisit on watching a porno right before he has sex with you? He probably gets more turned on by you than anyone else, and honestly if you lost the attitude I think you would be sexier.

 

Actually, I've never seen him use porn. I'm not saying he doesn't do it, just that I've never seen it. Lost the attitude? Do you mean agree with everyone else about everything?

 

Don't you think Tom Cruise is hot (I DO!)?

 

No, actually, he's a little effeminate for my tastes.

 

I do feel bad for you.

 

That must make you feel pretty good about yourself. Give me a break. At least piggy is engaged in an exchange, even if he's decided I'm stupid for disagreeing.

 

And piggy, I honestly believe that low expectations are not healthy for anyone. It's just like a guy expecting a girl to use him for money or something. Everyone has a right to be happy. And no, I don't think that if a girl doesn't worry about porn she will cheat. I believe that women who don't care if a guy fools around don't really care about him and usually have some other motive for staying in the relationship. I believe that just saying, oh well, boys will be boys, every time a guy does something that hurts your feelings will start with porn, then strip clubs, then "lap dances," then hookers, then a full blown relationship and she gets left broken hearted. You have to pay attention. Should the OP worry about the porn, in my opinion? Nah. Does it really have nothing to do with her?

[rainfall]

Of course her feelings are valid. What might not be valid is her expectation in finding the man that will never ever be turned on by another woman again in his life. Of course, I think it's equally impossible to expect to find a woman who will never be turned on by another man.

 

My gf flat out admits to me that she masturbates thinking about other people (she's bi), and I've admitted the same to her. Interestingly, I was content to confine my fantasy world solely to her far longer than she was content to confine it solely to me. I don't think I thought about another woman for the first 6 months.

 

Anyway, now for reality:

Even though men and women both fantasize about others, for whatever reason (be it biological or otherwise) in our society today men are more likely than women to use visual stimuli.

 

Anyone is free to define/enforce whatever terms of conduct they want to in a relationship. The other person is of course free to walk away. Personally I've chosen to "draw the line" only when absolutely necessary for my emotional stability.

 

I think the poster was curious if she should make a big deal over this, or feel inadequate about it, and as several other people have said we think it's actually pretty normal and no reflection of his feelings for her at all.

 

I personally have never fantasized about someone esle while with my bf or solo. It just really takes more then a hot body to turn me on. What turns me on is the love and attraction I feel to my boyfriend NOT just wanting someone because they are hotter then my man. Yes I notice attractive people I am not saying I don't, I just don't get anything from closing my eyes and pretending my bf is someone esle it just doesn't do it for me.

[littlepiggy1]

That must make you feel pretty good about yourself. Give me a break. At least piggy is engaged in an exchange, even if he's decided I'm stupid for disagreeing.

 

And piggy, I honestly believe that low expectations are not healthy for anyone. It's just like a guy expecting a girl to use him for money or something. Everyone has a right to be happy. And no, I don't think that if a girl doesn't worry about porn she will cheat. I believe that women who don't care if a guy fools around don't really care about him and usually have some other motive for staying in the relationship. I believe that just saying, oh well, boys will be boys, every time a guy does something that hurts your feelings will start with porn, then strip clubs, then "lap dances," then hookers, then a full blown relationship and she gets left broken hearted. You have to pay attention. Should the OP worry about the porn, in my opinion? Nah. Does it really have nothing to do with her?

 

At this point, I'm just going to let it go. You think what you think, I think what I think. And... yeah.