uneasy about sleepovers! breakup?

[Guest]

I'm having a problem with my boyfriend of nearly 7 months. A few months ago my boyfriend's two male friends moved into a house with 3 girls, one of which i really dislike because she is completely disrespectful to me and my best friend, for example she'll have over the top hello's for both of our boyfriends and then completely ignore us, not a hello or anything and give us dirty looks the rest of the night.

 

I am also uneasy about this person because she has made moves on my friends boyfriend and has been friends with my boyfriend for a couple of years before i met him. He also has a file on his computer that says her name and pics, and when i confronted him he said its just pics she took on a spring break vacation that both of their groups of friends met up on at. I have never asked my boyfriend to not go and hang out and party at his friends' house, but I did tell him that it would make me very uncomfortable if he ever slept over there after. Mind you this is like the only thing I've ever asked of him, and at that point he agreed that he wouldn't, but created a loophole that said "well if im too tired and drunk to drive im going to stay", in which i came back saying "make a plan to not get so drunk then". so anyway, last week he calls me and tells me hes sleeping there before it happens, so he its not like just happened to get sooo drunk and incapable of driving.

 

Then we got into a fight the next day in which he said i need counseling for jealousy issues, which is crazy because i never say anything to him about his female friends, although he percieves that i dont like it from body language or something, and uses all of these perceptions as another reason he wont make the sacrifice of not sleeping over. He says its a totally unreasonable request and that he has no reason to apologize and i have no reason to have any feelings on the situation at all because they its an invalid thing to worry about and that i dont trust him, even though i constantly reassure him i do. so basically im wondering if others think that this is such a huge sacrifice for a boyfriend to make for a girlfriend that he supposedly loves and cares about. why would he do something with total disregard for my feelings. im sorry for the length, but i would really appreciate any opinions because we are nearly on the verge of breakup because of this! thanks!

[Gia77]

I'm having a problem with my boyfriend of nearly 7 months. A few months ago my boyfriend's two male friends moved into a house with 3 girls, one of which i really dislike because she is completely disrespectful to me and my best friend, for example she'll have over the top hello's for both of our boyfriends and then completely ignore us, not a hello or anything and give us dirty looks the rest of the night.

 

I am also uneasy about this person because she has made moves on my friends boyfriend and has been friends with my boyfriend for a couple of years before i met him. He also has a file on his computer that says her name and pics, and when i confronted him he said its just pics she took on a spring break vacation that both of their groups of friends met up on at. I have never asked my boyfriend to not go and hang out and party at his friends' house, but I did tell him that it would make me very uncomfortable if he ever slept over there after. Mind you this is like the only thing I've ever asked of him, and at that point he agreed that he wouldn't, but created a loophole that said "well if im too tired and drunk to drive im going to stay", in which i came back saying "make a plan to not get so drunk then". so anyway, last week he calls me and tells me hes sleeping there before it happens, so he its not like just happened to get sooo drunk and incapable of driving.

 

Then we got into a fight the next day in which he said i need counseling for jealousy issues, which is crazy because i never say anything to him about his female friends, although he percieves that i dont like it from body language or something, and uses all of these perceptions as another reason he wont make the sacrifice of not sleeping over. He says its a totally unreasonable request and that he has no reason to apologize and i have no reason to have any feelings on the situation at all because they its an invalid thing to worry about and that i dont trust him, even though i constantly reassure him i do. so basically im wondering if others think that this is such a huge sacrifice for a boyfriend to make for a girlfriend that he supposedly loves and cares about. why would he do something with total disregard for my feelings. im sorry for the length, but i would really appreciate any opinions because we are nearly on the verge of breakup because of this! thanks!

 

I have to say I agree with you. I wouldn't be comfortable with that situation especially if that girl hits on other girls' boyfriends. My bf doesn't have female friends (and thank goodness!) so I can't say I've been there but I think you have a right to request that he doesn't sleep over. Has he ever been romantically involved with this girl? How would he like it if you slept over some really sleezy guy's house? Either way he should respect that it makes you uncomfortable, you're the one he's dating not her.

[Guest]

thank you. my bf has never been romantically involved with this girl, but they were good friends and he has admitted that she is an attention whore and would do flirtatious things to him and other men even when she has had boyfriends. But even if this wasn't the situation, i think i would be uncomfortable with my bf sleeping over a house with girls. and as for me, if i did my bf would not care because he lacks even the slightest forms of jealousy, not that im saying i would like an overly protective, jealous bf, but he never gets jealous about anything and it would be a little nice if he occasionally was a little worried sometimes, just in like a small way.

 

i just think its completly disrespectful of him to go out of his way to do something that he knew would hurt me, and then talk me into corners so that i am the one that is wrong and im crazy and have totally unreasonable requests. in fact he said he shouldve broken up with me because i have issues if i cant see how what i requested was wrong of me. its tough arguing with him, because no matter what i say its not right. as for now we kind of just stopped fighting and are acting nice to eachother, almost like agreed to disagree, but im sure this or something in the form of this will come up again, and the way he deals with it is what kills me more than anything. Please send more advice! thanks!

[littlepiggy1]

that i dont trust him, even though i constantly reassure him i do.

 

But you don't trust him. Otherwise, why would this be an issue regardless of how this other girl is behaving? What do you expect to happen? Is this other girl going to force herself on him in the middle of the night or something?

[Guest]

Its not that i dont trust him, i just dont like the situation. a bunch of drunk coeds having a sleepover doesn't exactly sit well with me. ive told him i have no problem with him going there and drinking and being part of the party, but i think it crosses the line a bit when it becomes a sleepover. And since i really dont ask that much of my boyfriend in general i dont see why it is such a difficult request, its not as if i said you can never go there. and maybe im mistaken, but i thought in a relationship the people involved are supposed to make compromises. and i feel that in a compromise each person gives in a little bit to something that they might believe to be a bit unreasonable otherwise it wouldnt really be a compromise, would it?

[Guest]

hi! I had almost the same thing with my current bf. First, the flirty skank girl is giving you more grounds for discomfort, but the real issue here is that you do not feel right having a bf doing sleepovers where girls are present. 7 months gives you good grounds to speak up.

 

And what is adding to your discomfort is his lack of understanding or even attempting to meet your needs. Mine was the same way, he kept calling me irrational and kept trying to poke holes in my logic to make it look like I had no grounds as long as I trusted him.

 

This is a complicated dance, he thinks he is doing nothing wrong, my BF is also not jealous and therefore because they do not feel these emotions are more intolerant. I still don't understand that but that's a whole other issue. You want to feel he is actually acting like he is in a relationship and to see him not budge on this IS tantamount to saying I don't believe in us.

 

Well that's how us girls see it even if he thinks it is "irrational".

First, use this as an opportunity to ask questions, this is not just about the sleepovers but points to possible bigger incompabilities down thwe road. Best to clear it up now and come to an agreement or be ready to walk.

 

My role as the convincer did not work, he became the resistor. Unfortunately when i was ready to leave him and he knew it was when we began compromising agreements. You may have to do the same. It was less a trust issue and more a decorum issue. He is not Mr. Bachelor anymore and if he can't make some basic changes then forget it.

 

You have to first know what you will and won't accept.

Over time I realized i am not the cool laid back girl. I stated my expectations in a relationship are that as a couple it means we go to arties together or not at all. Or bars. No opposite sex friends alone in eachothers houses. And that if a particular oppsite sex friend crosses the line by flirting or rudeness we have the right to expect eachother to ditch that person immediately. I don't know what is and is not okay with you, but go in knowing what you want to bring up.

 

The part that makes me uncomfortable is where he brought up breaking up for you to bring this subject up. In a relationship it is good if the man is more receptive to te woman's ideas as women are more receptive in general. This is not totally about the sleepovers but also a litmus test to see how he reacts to your discomfort and needs. Trust me if he does not budge on this much bigger things will come up later, establish the groundwork now. If it helps my BF laughed off my requests until he saw I was going to walk. It was really an excercise in setting appropriate boundaries I could like. Please do not cave on this, if he does not respect this he won't respect anything else. Then he became the most apologetic and eager person to please. It upset me because I did not want to have to have us in that position to make him see my point. But I'm glad I did because I was not prepared to be the whiney GF who was on pins and needles every time.

 

One question-why don't you go to the parties with him? I would not be into him going to parties without me. That was another agreement we came to. I believe couples have to present a unified front or the skanks(both male and female) start to congregate.

 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

[Adunaphel]

In my experience if you are in a relationship with someone whose views about what is appropriate or not aren't similar to yours, it will get worse and worse as time passes.

Unless you are both good at compromising and respectful of each other's feelings.

 

Next time he goes to a party and might sleep over, couldn't he invite you along???

[Guest]

honestly i wouldnt want to sleepover because i feel very awkward when someone is flirting with my bf and not even acknowledging my existence, and whats worse of it is my bf denies any wrongdoing, claiming hes not paying attention even though it is right in front of him. ive made the compromise to go there for parties occasionally but i go to school about 45 minutes away and they usually have parties on nights when i have classes the next day.

[blind_otter]

But you don't trust him. Otherwise, why would this be an issue regardless of how this other girl is behaving? What do you expect to happen? Is this other girl going to force herself on him in the middle of the night or something?

 

This actually DOES happen....

 

I had a friend who was at University of Miami, he moved into a condo with a girl he went to school with. He wasn't attracted to her, initially he was but she kept getting sloppy drunk and making an ass out of herself.

 

One night she went out and he stayed home. We chatted on the phone that evening and he was telling me how weird she was acting, calling him to find out where he was, getting mad if he didn't eat dinner with her, even though they were just roommates.

 

He woke up in the middle of the night to her, in his room, drunk, giving him head.

 

He didn't even let her finish. He jumped up and kicked her out and had to buy a lock for his bedroom door until he found a new place and moved out.

 

I was like, dude, why not let her finish and then kick her out? He said, no way, I've seen fatal attraction....

[Adunaphel]

honestly i wouldnt want to sleepover because i feel very awkward when someone is flirting with my bf and not even acknowledging my existence,

 

quite understandable

 

and whats worse of it is my bf denies any wrongdoing, claiming hes not paying attention even though it is right in front of him.

 

Is he telling you that he doesn't really think this girl is flirting with him?

(some men genuinely do not get it, others just pretend they don't)

 

Does he flirt back?

 

ive made the compromise to go there for parties occasionally but i go to school about 45 minutes away and they usually have parties on nights when i have classes the next day.

 

I am about to give you a piece of advice that comes from my heart, and not from my logical side - so it might be not good advice, but it's very honest.

 

if you have been together with him for less than a year,

if he has always been like this,

if he sees no harm in things that make you unconfortable (and would make most women unconfortable) and will not avoid to do them ,

if you can't find a compromise that works for both,

 

dump him because things are not going to get any better.

 

And Otter is right - scenes like the one she described *do* happen.

 

I was like, dude, why not let her finish and then kick her out? He said, no way, I've seen fatal attraction....

smart dude :lmao:

[catgirl1927]

If her flirting is as blatant as you say, he is aware of it and is enjoying it. By telling you that your feelings are invalid, he has basically told you he doesn't care about you. Being around this girl is more important to him than you are. I would be very surprised if something hasn't already happened between them. Depending on the length of your relationship, I wouldn't bother with him any more. He cares more about himself than he does about you. If he wants to be free to crash with her whenever, then give him that freedom and go find someone who respects and deserves you.

[littlepiggy1]

Its not that i dont trust him, i just dont like the situation. a bunch of drunk coeds having a sleepover doesn't exactly sit well with me. ive told him i have no problem with him going there and drinking and being part of the party, but i think it crosses the line a bit when it becomes a sleepover.

 

Why doesn't it sit well with you? It sounds to me like you are expecting something to happen.

 

And FWIW, I've stayed over at people's houses plenty before, especially after drinking (heck, that's a good thing in that case). I can't remember any wild orgies during the night, though.

 

edited: Okay, I read the rest of the posts about the flirting. That I can understand, but again, do you think something is going to happen between them?

 

And since i really dont ask that much of my boyfriend in general i dont see why it is such a difficult request, its not as if i said you can never go there. and maybe im mistaken, but i thought in a relationship the people involved are supposed to make compromises. and i feel that in a compromise each person gives in a little bit to something that they might believe to be a bit unreasonable otherwise it wouldnt really be a compromise, would it?

 

Eh, if you were my g/f and I wasn't allowed to crash at a friend's house, I'd take issue with that.

[littlepiggy1]

This actually DOES happen....

 

I had a friend who was at University of Miami, he moved into a condo with a girl he went to school with. He wasn't attracted to her, initially he was but she kept getting sloppy drunk and making an ass out of herself.

 

One night she went out and he stayed home. We chatted on the phone that evening and he was telling me how weird she was acting, calling him to find out where he was, getting mad if he didn't eat dinner with her, even though they were just roommates.

 

He woke up in the middle of the night to her, in his room, drunk, giving him head.

 

He didn't even let her finish. He jumped up and kicked her out and had to buy a lock for his bedroom door until he found a new place and moved out.

 

I was like, dude, why not let her finish and then kick her out? He said, no way, I've seen fatal attraction....

 

Crazy. Never had that happen to me... Of course, with the roommates I had, I would've been even more freaked out if it did.

[Guest]

His friends sound sleazy. You need look no further than his friends to see what kind of person he is. And he needs to party to the point where he passes out so he arranges a crash pad? That's fine if you are into it, but it sounds like he will not bend on this. Bad sign. And this girl hits on your friend's boyfriend? I know it is eay to sit here and judge, while I am sure he has good qualities that make you want to stick around, but is there hope of him compromising here? It would be best if he just acquired new friends. It does not sound like that will happen. Better you see all this now then 2 years from now. Be thankful.

 

If he can't agree to altogether avoid any situation where she is around in a gathering I say to walk, she sounds like a b**ch and he is not protecting you from it.....which means he is encouraging it. There are better out there.

[Guest]

No i dont think something is going to happen between them, bc despite what you say, littlepiggy, i do trust that my bf wont cheat on me. however that doesnt mean that i like situations in which my bf is the target of some slutty girl who is all over him and is completly rude to me, my best friend and countless others. i dont see why it has to be one way or the other. i dont automatically have zero trust and feel that there are things going on, but i think its normal to be a little insecure when there is a drunk sleepover hes attending.

 

lets just say your g/f said to you that she was uncomfortable with you sleeping somewhere, and in the past had not made any requests of you? would you not do that one thing for her? because i know if he asked anything of me, even if i thought it was a bit ridiculous, i would go out of my way to do it for him, because i want him to feel good about the things i do. obviously i wouldnt make a habit of asking things of him, because i dont want him to resent me, and i pick and choose things that i feel like i should get upset about and usually opt to set many things aside that bother me, but this just isnt one of them. and more than that, its his reaction that really gets under my skin. why can he not even think about how it would make me feel?

 

i do believe that this is a good predictor of the future and i will definently keep this whole situation in the back of my mind. for now things are okay, on the surface at least, and i dont want to bring up the whole thing again but im sure if something happens in the future i will not be able to handle the way he deals with it, by shooting down everything i say and making me out to be an insecure person with unreasonable ideals. unfortunately i dont believe showing him that ill walk the line will do anything to change his ability to make a compromise with me, because he would rather be right than be with me. which is really sad for him, bc then hell never find anyone unless they dont have any real feelings for him and no opinions of their own. thank you everyone for your feedback, it is really helpful and makes me feel like i am not insane, and that really means alot.

[Guest]

His friends sound sleazy. You need look no further than his friends to see what kind of person he is. And he needs to party to the point where he passes out so he arranges a crash pad? That's fine if you are into it, but it sounds like he will not bend on this. Bad sign. And this girl hits on your friend's boyfriend? I know it is eay to sit here and judge, while I am sure he has good qualities that make you want to stick around, but is there hope of him compromising here? It would be best if he just acquired new friends. It does not sound like that will happen. Better you see all this now then 2 years from now. Be thankful.

 

If he can't agree to altogether avoid any situation where she is around in a gathering I say to walk, she sounds like a b**ch and he is not protecting you from it.....which means he is encouraging it. There are better out there.

 

his group of good friends are not sleazy and i actually like them, and i would never ask him to get new friends, but some of their friends are less than desirable, but of course thats out of my control. its just annoying because im not asking him not to go there and have fun, i just dont want him to sleepover, and i know in this day and age im probably seen as conventional or old fashioned, but whatever, thats how i feel and he should consider that if he cares about me. i am glad in a way that i have seen this now, because i will be more cautious with this whole relationship in the future and i must say that it is alot easier dealing with this thanks to this website, just writing it out and listening to other is very cathartic.

[littlepiggy1]

No i dont think something is going to happen between them, bc despite what you say, littlepiggy, i do trust that my bf wont cheat on me. however that doesnt mean that i like situations in which my bf is the target of some slutty girl who is all over him and is completly rude to me, my best friend and countless others. i dont see why it has to be one way or the other. i dont automatically have zero trust and feel that there are things going on, but i think its normal to be a little insecure when there is a drunk sleepover hes attending.

 

So you are feeling insecure about him being near her then?

 

I'm trying to understand this, because if you trust him 100%, then the only reason seems to be that you dislike her.

 

But if it's because of the flirting and the worry that something could potentially happen between them (no matter how remote) then that's different. Then it becomes about him and her.

 

lets just say your g/f said to you that she was uncomfortable with you sleeping somewhere, and in the past had not made any requests of you? would you not do that one thing for her?

 

Depends on her reasoning. In your case, I probably wouldn't. Obviously I don't know the exact specifics of your case, so take that with a grain of salt.

 

because i know if he asked anything of me, even if i thought it was a bit ridiculous, i would go out of my way to do it for him, because i want him to feel good about the things i do.

 

I could never do that. I have certain limits and if someone else can't accept that, see ya.

 

and more than that, its his reaction that really gets under my skin. why can he not even think about how it would make me feel?

 

Well, he probably thinks you don't trust him. Even if you say you trust him, your request suggests that you don't.

[Guest]

Its funny how the only one that doesnt agree that i have some right to feel uncomfortable is the only guy that is responding to me. Maybe men and women feel differently about these things, but i think either way if im sensitive to his feelings, he should be sensitive to mine. i admitted i was insecure about the situation, and even if i do happen to trust someone i dont think anyone can be trusted 100% because things happen sometimes, and those times are usually at drunken parties. I would be able to understand if a bf of mine was uncomfortable with me sleeping somewhere, especially if there was some guy that was all over me and treated him badly, and i dont see why guys are so unwilling try to understand someone elses point of view.

[blind_otter]

 

edited: Okay, I read the rest of the posts about the flirting. That I can understand, but again, do you think something is going to happen between them?

 

Can I ask you something, not trying to put you on the spot, just curious -- if your GF had a female friend that lived with 2 guys, one of whom flirted with her in front of you and tended to brush you off, would you feel comfortable letting her sleep over there if she were too drunk to drive?

[littlepiggy1]

Can I ask you something, not trying to put you on the spot, just curious -- if your GF had a female friend that lived with 2 guys, one of whom flirted with her in front of you and tended to brush you off, would you feel comfortable letting her sleep over there if she were too drunk to drive?

 

Assuming I trusted her, then I would be okay with her sleeping over even if I didn't like what this friend was doing.

 

At the same time, I would probably confront the guy doing it and threaten him to knock off the flirting or have his lights punched out.

[blind_otter]

Assuming I trusted her, then I would be okay with her sleeping over even if I didn't like what this friend was doing.

 

At the same time, I would probably confront the guy doing it and threaten him to knock off the flirting or have his lights punched out.

 

So you wouldn't worry that, say, she might be passed out drunk and someone would try something with her?

[littlepiggy1]

So you wouldn't worry that, say, she might be passed out drunk and someone would try something with her?

 

I suppose that is a possibility, but now we are talking sexual assault and/or rape, which is something that she cannot be responsible for. Therefore I'm not going to prohibit her behavior, because someone else might necessarily do something completely illegal.

 

And I would definitely kick their ass.

[littlepiggy1]

Its funny how the only one that doesnt agree that i have some right to feel uncomfortable is the only guy that is responding to me. Maybe men and women feel differently about these things, but i think either way if im sensitive to his feelings, he should be sensitive to mine. i admitted i was insecure about the situation, and even if i do happen to trust someone i dont think anyone can be trusted 100% because things happen sometimes, and those times are usually at drunken parties. I would be able to understand if a bf of mine was uncomfortable with me sleeping somewhere, especially if there was some guy that was all over me and treated him badly, and i dont see why guys are so unwilling try to understand someone elses point of view.

 

What I'm trying to get across is that if you tell your b/f that you trust him (which obviously isn't true), but you don't want him sleeping over, then the request is going to seem irrational. However, if you don't trust him entirely in that situation (and don't trust her) then you need to at least aknowledge that. Because then at least you have some justification for why you are feeling the way you do.

 

(And just as an aside, as guys, we often complain about women being irrational. That's why you need to see the way he might be viewing things from his perspective. Then you might understand why he is taking issue with this request.)

[arniebuteft]

Bullsh*t, if it were my GF who was sleeping over at her female friend's house, and the female friend had a male roommate who hit on my GF and was a jerk to me, I wouldn't want the GF sleeping there. It's totally reasonable to be uncomfortable in that situation.

 

Honestly (and I hate to say this) it's about maturity. Below a certain age, it's generally more important to some people (guys and girls) to hang out and have that killer party experience, than to worry about upsetting a GF/BF. Personally, in a committed relationship, my SO isn't going to be sleeping anywhere in mixed company unless I'm around, and I willingly forego the same for her. It's not just about trust, it's avoiding any hint of impropriety. And why would I be going to parties without my SO where there are single women hitting on me? Even if I don't reciprocate? I don't do that, and neither does she. OP, you BF likes the attention he gets from this skank, no doubt about it. He may never act on it, you trust him, but believe me he gets off knowing he's desirable and he likes the attention.

 

OP, I think you've got an extremely reasonable request that, if you've been in this relationship awhile, should be honored. If he puts his desire to party ahead of your security in the relationship, he's not ready for the same level of committment as you, or his beliefs on what is 'acceptable' behavior differ from yours. You can't change a man, don't even try, it'll only bring you heartache. Live with him as he is, or move on.

[blind_otter]

Bullsh*t, if it were my GF who was sleeping over at her female friend's house, and the female friend had a male roommate who hit on my GF and was a jerk to me, I wouldn't want the GF sleeping there. It's totally reasonable to be uncomfortable in that situation.

 

Honestly (and I hate to say this) it's about maturity. Below a certain age, it's generally more important to some people (guys and girls) to hang out and have that killer party experience, than to worry about upsetting a GF/BF. Personally, in a committed relationship, my SO isn't going to be sleeping anywhere in mixed company unless I'm around, and I willingly forego the same for her. It's not just about trust, it's avoiding any hint of impropriety. And why would I be going to parties without my SO where there are single women hitting on me? Even if I don't reciprocate? I don't do that, and neither does she. OP, you BF likes the attention he gets from this skank, no doubt about it. He may never act on it, you trust him, but believe me he gets off knowing he's desirable and he likes the attention.

 

See this makes sense to me.

 

I agree 100%.