I made a decision

[Stan]

Well . . . if anyone read my last posting, you'd know how freaked out I was about having to make a decision about my girlfriend, Sue. We're both 28 and we've been dating for 5 years. I am about to move into a new place and we needed to decide whether she was going to move in with me.

 

This past Sunday, we decided to go for it . . . and see what happens. Then later in the day, I had an awful anxiety attack . . . I knew it wasn't right. We talked about it and Sue went home. We spoke later that night (we were both hysterical) and we haven't spoken since. Last night I was absolutely MISERABLE. I came home and all of her stuff was gone and I just couldn't believe that I was putting myself through such heart-ache. "When was I ever going to find a girl who loves me like she does?" After talking to some good friends (and having a couple cocktails) I regained my composure and am feeling better today.

 

That's part of my new problem. I feeling guilty b/c I'm feeling a little better. When I think of Sue being upset, it just tears me up. I don't know whether I should call her or just let her have her space. My friends have convinced me (as I have myself) that this is the right decision for now. I need to 'find myself' again (no matter how cheesy that may sound). I just can't believe that one should take such a big step w/o being SURE. I understand that people may have doubts but I've been soooooooooo anxiety-ridden for . . . probably years!!! (Which makes me feel horribly guilty also).

 

Any thoughts / comments??

[Totally Confused]

I'm so glad you've made a decision to step back. You're having way too much anxiety over this. Way too much for a person who is supposed to be in love. When you love somebody, yes you can question, but when you're having anxiety attacks over it, you're trying to convince and force yourself to be in love when, personally, I don't think you are. It's just hard telling you that, because I know you really want to be in love with her so bad, because she's so great. But just because she's great and wonderful and sweet, doesn't mean she's for you. If I ever meet a man that stresses and questions his love for me half as much as you are doing, I'm going to know he's not in love with me. I've been in love before and I've never had to question it. If that person had asked me to marry them, I wouldn't have hesitated in saying yes. Are you sure you're not just comfortable in the relationship and you are terrified more of being alone? It sounds like you're terrified to be with her, because you know deep down you love her, but just aren't in love with her. And yet you're terrified to be without her, because you don't want to be alone and you're afraid you won't find anyone that is great like her, who you could actually also be in love with. You’ve been with her since you were 23, you've never really looked for anyone else.

 

Of course, everything I've said is my opinion. The only one that really knows the answer to these questions is you. You know the answer. You just don't want to face it. That's why everytime you make any decision that goes against what you really feel in your gut is right, you freak out. You can't even let her move in without having an attack, imagine if you had to walk down the isle.

 

Anyway, you've also got to stop putting the guilt on yourself. It's not your fault if you're not sure how you feel about her. I'm sorry she's hurting and yes it's sad, but I and millions and trillions of other people have been hurt before too. It stinks, but we get through it and we're just fine once the pain passes. We move on and actually can become happy again one day. Pain is part of life and she's just going to have to deal with it like the rest of us. She'll cry a lot, but she'll be fine. It will actually make her a stronger person in the end.

 

I hope everything works out for you and I hope your head finally gets a break from thinking.

[happy girl]

Send her a nice letter explaining how you feel. Let her know that just because you're not sure about your future together, that doesn't mean you aren't concerned for her feelings. Consider setting a date for lunch a few weeks from now, where you can sit down and calmly talk about everything together. This will show her that you aren't just giving up and that you really are using the time away from her to think about the relationship. It will also give you both time to think things over without worrying about things like who is supposed to call who and whether or not she's mad at you.

Well . . . if anyone read my last posting, you'd know how freaked out I was about having to make a decision about my girlfriend, Sue. We're both 28 and we've been dating for 5 years. I am about to move into a new place and we needed to decide whether she was going to move in with me.

 

This past Sunday, we decided to go for it . . . and see what happens. Then later in the day, I had an awful anxiety attack . . . I knew it wasn't right. We talked about it and Sue went home. We spoke later that night (we were both hysterical) and we haven't spoken since. Last night I was absolutely MISERABLE. I came home and all of her stuff was gone and I just couldn't believe that I was putting myself through such heart-ache. "When was I ever going to find a girl who loves me like she does?" After talking to some good friends (and having a couple cocktails) I regained my composure and am feeling better today. That's part of my new problem. I feeling guilty b/c I'm feeling a little better. When I think of Sue being upset, it just tears me up. I don't know whether I should call her or just let her have her space. My friends have convinced me (as I have myself) that this is the right decision for now. I need to 'find myself' again (no matter how cheesy that may sound). I just can't believe that one should take such a big step w/o being SURE. I understand that people may have doubts but I've been soooooooooo anxiety-ridden for . . . probably years!!! (Which makes me feel horribly guilty also). Any thoughts / comments??

[Stan]

You are very wise!

 

"But just because she's great and wonderful and sweet, doesn't mean she's for you" - this is my problem. I truly cannot get over this fact. In addition to all that you've said, Sue is BEAUTIFUL (not just my opinion). So the fact that I'm stuggling so bad makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me!! I'm trying (desperately) to gain some confidence in my decision (and myself) - I guess it will take some time.

 

You truly do seem to 'hit all the points' that have been going through my head for a long time. I am just terrified that I'll take this time, decide I do love (and want to marry) Sue - and it'll be too late!

I'm so glad you've made a decision to step back. You're having way too much anxiety over this. Way too much for a person who is supposed to be in love. When you love somebody, yes you can question, but when you're having anxiety attacks over it, you're trying to convince and force yourself to be in love when, personally, I don't think you are. It's just hard telling you that, because I know you really want to be in love with her so bad, because she's so great. But just because she's great and wonderful and sweet, doesn't mean she's for you. If I ever meet a man that stresses and questions his love for me half as much as you are doing, I'm going to know he's not in love with me. I've been in love before and I've never had to question it. If that person had asked me to marry them, I wouldn't have hesitated in saying yes. Are you sure you're not just comfortable in the relationship and you are terrified more of being alone? It sounds like you're terrified to be with her, because you know deep down you love her, but just aren't in love with her. And yet you're terrified to be without her, because you don't want to be alone and you're afraid you won't find anyone that is great like her, who you could actually also be in love with. You’ve been with her since you were 23, you've never really looked for anyone else. Of course, everything I've said is my opinion. The only one that really knows the answer to these questions is you. You know the answer. You just don't want to face it. That's why everytime you make any decision that goes against what you really feel in your gut is right, you freak out. You can't even let her move in without having an attack, imagine if you had to walk down the isle. Anyway, you've also got to stop putting the guilt on yourself. It's not your fault if you're not sure how you feel about her. I'm sorry she's hurting and yes it's sad, but I and millions and trillions of other people have been hurt before too. It stinks, but we get through it and we're just fine once the pain passes. We move on and actually can become happy again one day. Pain is part of life and she's just going to have to deal with it like the rest of us. She'll cry a lot, but she'll be fine. It will actually make her a stronger person in the end. I hope everything works out for you and I hope your head finally gets a break from thinking.

 

[Totally Confused]

Stan, my ex-boyfriend was gorgeous. We had met in college and had dated for 6 years. When I say good looking, I'm not kidding. People called us Barbie and Ken. Not only did I find him incredibly physically attractive, but he had an incredible sense of humor. Girls fell in love with him all the time and they'd say to me, what a catch, if you guys ever break up, I want him. Sounds like a match made in heaven, except, I wasn't in love with him. I didn't know why, I just wasn't. I thought I was at first. He was my greatest love. I met him when I was 18 and dated him until I was 24. I was so used to him, I couldn't imagine myself without him. I thought I was in love with him and I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But that was only the first 2 or 3 years. Then after about 3 1/2 - 4 years, I started questioning what I was feeling. Did I love him or not. I tried so hard to make myself, because he was great, plus I was so used to thinking I was in love with him, it was foreign to me to be losing feeling for him. I also loved his family and friends so much, that I didn't want to lose them either. I wouldn't just be breaking up with him, I'd be breaking up with everybody and I was so sick to my stomache about it. Plus, I didn't want to be the one to cause him pain. But then again, staying with him was slowly starting to cause me pain. I stayed with him for another two years, trying to see if the feeling would pass, because I had been so in love with him at one point. It never passed and two years later, I was finally sick of it. It must have taken another 6 - 8 mo. before I finally broke it off totally. Of course, I was the bad guy to all his family and friends. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I know what you're feeling too. Because it's happening to you, it makes you feel that what you're going through is harder than what anyone else has had to go through with a breakup, because it's you and Sue and no one understand. But everything you're feeling is how anyone feels when they break up with a long term relationship. You don't want to be the cause of someone else's pain, but that's life. You're not a bad person.

 

Here it is 4 years later, since I've broken up with my ex. He's just fine. He even has a new girlfriend. I never thought he'd get over the trauma, because of all the guilt,the phonecalls, poetry and crying. I couldn't take his guilt anymore. I was a mess. It got to the point where I was feeling so much guilt, I couldn't talk to him or see him anymore. I avoided him like crazy. I had to completely cut him off, because by talking to him and having to explain to him over and over was driving me crazy and it wasn't helping him to let go of me. Cutting a person off is the best thing you can do for both parties. I thought I'd look back and regret losing him one day. I really did. I thought that what I was feeling was just me being scared and needing a break to date and explore other people. Then I realized, I feel the same way about him now as I did then. If I didn't feel it then, I'm not going to feel it now. I don't regret losing him, he wasn't for me. I've met so many other guys since then that I now realize, he didn't have all the qualitites that I needed in a man. He had a lot of incredible qualities and a heart of gold, but it didn't matter. It would have been easier if he was an @sshole, but he wasn't.

 

You think you'll regret it, I don't think you will. If you're feeling the way you do now about her, you're never going to change your mind. Besides you have to Risk Big in order to Gain Big. A year from now, you'll probably meet the girl you'll end up marrying, but how are you going to know, until you take a chance.

[Stan]

Oh my god - I am soooooo sad. What have I done?! I can't believe that I've done something to make myself so miserable. You're right - I definitely feel that this is worse than anyone else's break-up. Objectively I can understand that it's probably not but I too wish she were a B**CH. That would make this easier.

 

I'm starting to feel like I want to call her and hug her and make everything alright. It's taking all my energy not to do that. I just truly can't imagine meeting anyone that I'd want to be with like I have Sue. How will anyone ever understand my insecurities and take care of me like she did?

 

How long will I feel this crappy?? How long were you just miserable??

Stan, my ex-boyfriend was gorgeous. We had met in college and had dated for 6 years. When I say good looking, I'm not kidding. People called us Barbie and Ken. Not only did I find him incredibly physically attractive, but he had an incredible sense of humor. Girls fell in love with him all the time and they'd say to me, what a catch, if you guys ever break up, I want him. Sounds like a match made in heaven, except, I wasn't in love with him. I didn't know why, I just wasn't. I thought I was at first. He was my greatest love. I met him when I was 18 and dated him until I was 24. I was so used to him, I couldn't imagine myself without him. I thought I was in love with him and I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But that was only the first 2 or 3 years. Then after about 3 1/2 - 4 years, I started questioning what I was feeling. Did I love him or not. I tried so hard to make myself, because he was great, plus I was so used to thinking I was in love with him, it was foreign to me to be losing feeling for him. I also loved his family and friends so much, that I didn't want to lose them either. I wouldn't just be breaking up with him, I'd be breaking up with everybody and I was so sick to my stomache about it. Plus, I didn't want to be the one to cause him pain. But then again, staying with him was slowly starting to cause me pain. I stayed with him for another two years, trying to see if the feeling would pass, because I had been so in love with him at one point. It never passed and two years later, I was finally sick of it. It must have taken another 6 - 8 mo. before I finally broke it off totally. Of course, I was the bad guy to all his family and friends. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I know what you're feeling too. Because it's happening to you, it makes you feel that what you're going through is harder than what anyone else has had to go through with a breakup, because it's you and Sue and no one understand. But everything you're feeling is how anyone feels when they break up with a long term relationship. You don't want to be the cause of someone else's pain, but that's life. You're not a bad person. Here it is 4 years later, since I've broken up with my ex. He's just fine. He even has a new girlfriend. I never thought he'd get over the trauma, because of all the guilt,the phonecalls, poetry and crying. I couldn't take his guilt anymore. I was a mess. It got to the point where I was feeling so much guilt, I couldn't talk to him or see him anymore. I avoided him like crazy. I had to completely cut him off, because by talking to him and having to explain to him over and over was driving me crazy and it wasn't helping him to let go of me. Cutting a person off is the best thing you can do for both parties. I thought I'd look back and regret losing him one day. I really did. I thought that what I was feeling was just me being scared and needing a break to date and explore other people. Then I realized, I feel the same way about him now as I did then. If I didn't feel it then, I'm not going to feel it now. I don't regret losing him, he wasn't for me. I've met so many other guys since then that I now realize, he didn't have all the qualitites that I needed in a man. He had a lot of incredible qualities and a heart of gold, but it didn't matter. It would have been easier if he was an @sshole, but he wasn't. You think you'll regret it, I don't think you will. If you're feeling the way you do now about her, you're never going to change your mind. Besides you have to Risk Big in order to Gain Big. A year from now, you'll probably meet the girl you'll end up marrying, but how are you going to know, until you take a chance.

[Totally Confused]

I felt crappy for quite a while. Maybe up until 6 mo. after I finally broke up with my ex. ,about 2 mo. later, I started trying to date people. One day my ex actually stormed into my house crying one night and at the time, I had another date over. I had to hide my date in my roommates bedroom, while my ex went off freaking out and begging for me back. I can't even tell you how horrible it was. Telling this story to someone else, they wouldn't understand what I was going through, but to me, it was the most horrible feeling in the world. I felt like the meanest, cruelest person, and really all I was doing was trying to be happy and move on with my life. There were times I missed him so much. I mean, I was with him for 6 years and he was my greatest love, but I knew if I went back to him for my own selfish reasons, knowing I would be confused again a week later, I would be playing with his head and emotions and therefore I would be crueler than just cutting him off completely. I loved him so much as a person, I knew I couldn't do that to him.

 

Don't mix up loving and caring about a person with being in love. You'll end up feeling empty and miserable in the end. You care about the person. It's been 5 years. You two have shared so much together in 5 years. You guys get along extremely well. You like each other. You respect each other. You're friends. You trust each other. You're sad because you don't want to say good-bye to that. But that is what the song "Breaking up is hard to do" is all about. It's hard to end a friendship with someone who's been in your life and shared so much, but hey, you're not in love with her. Just because you like her and had a lot with her, you still aren't in love with her. Because you're not in love with her, over time, be carefull, because you might end up resenting and hating her, because you're not in love with her and she won't even have done anything bad to you, which will make you even more upset. Then you might start picking little fights with her and turning them around to make them her fault. I'm guilty of that myself. Anything to take the feelings of guilt away. You haven't hit that point yet, but you might.

 

You're also talking about your insecurities and how will anyone ever understand you. Everyone has insecurities. You'll either have to learn to grow up and stand on your own two feet for a while, and then when you're good and ready, you'll find someone who will totally understand you. Right now, you don't know if you're coming or going, so don't think about finding someone else yet. They'll be just a rebound and a crutch. Someone else will understand you, and probably even more than the girl you're with right now. I'm sure it took a while for the two of you to get into sink and to fully know each other. It will happen again one day with someone you're more compatable with.

 

I just realized, I'm writing you a book, so I'll end it on this note, think things through clearly before you act. Take time for yourself and decide what you want. Don't be fooled by false reasons. If you need to talk further, you can e-mail me. That way it's easier to converse. And, as my mother always says, "And this too shall pass."

[Annie]

Stan,

 

You should feel crappy. This girl devoted 5 years of her life to you. Apparently there was some reason that you stayed with her for so long. You need to think about those reasons. In those 5 years did you tell her that you loved her? I fear that a month or two from now you will realize that you lost something and want her back and she will not be there. I do agree with not being with someone unless you love them and if you don't then I don't think you should be with her. But why couldn't you have decided that 3 years ago instead of stringing her along?

I felt crappy for quite a while. Maybe up until 6 mo. after I finally broke up with my ex. ,about 2 mo. later, I started trying to date people. One day my ex actually stormed into my house crying one night and at the time, I had another date over. I had to hide my date in my roommates bedroom, while my ex went off freaking out and begging for me back. I can't even tell you how horrible it was. Telling this story to someone else, they wouldn't understand what I was going through, but to me, it was the most horrible feeling in the world. I felt like the meanest, cruelest person, and really all I was doing was trying to be happy and move on with my life. There were times I missed him so much. I mean, I was with him for 6 years and he was my greatest love, but I knew if I went back to him for my own selfish reasons, knowing I would be confused again a week later, I would be playing with his head and emotions and therefore I would be crueler than just cutting him off completely. I loved him so much as a person, I knew I couldn't do that to him. Don't mix up loving and caring about a person with being in love. You'll end up feeling empty and miserable in the end. You care about the person. It's been 5 years. You two have shared so much together in 5 years. You guys get along extremely well. You like each other. You respect each other. You're friends. You trust each other. You're sad because you don't want to say good-bye to that. But that is what the song "Breaking up is hard to do" is all about. It's hard to end a friendship with someone who's been in your life and shared so much, but hey, you're not in love with her. Just because you like her and had a lot with her, you still aren't in love with her. Because you're not in love with her, over time, be carefull, because you might end up resenting and hating her, because you're not in love with her and she won't even have done anything bad to you, which will make you even more upset. Then you might start picking little fights with her and turning them around to make them her fault. I'm guilty of that myself. Anything to take the feelings of guilt away. You haven't hit that point yet, but you might. You're also talking about your insecurities and how will anyone ever understand you. Everyone has insecurities. You'll either have to learn to grow up and stand on your own two feet for a while, and then when you're good and ready, you'll find someone who will totally understand you. Right now, you don't know if you're coming or going, so don't think about finding someone else yet. They'll be just a rebound and a crutch. Someone else will understand you, and probably even more than the girl you're with right now. I'm sure it took a while for the two of you to get into sink and to fully know each other. It will happen again one day with someone you're more compatable with. I just realized, I'm writing you a book, so I'll end it on this note, think things through clearly before you act. Take time for yourself and decide what you want. Don't be fooled by false reasons. If you need to talk further, you can e-mail me. That way it's easier to converse. And, as my mother always says, "And this too shall pass."

[Totally Confused]

Annie,

 

you've obviously have never been in a situation similar to stan's, and i have. unfortunately, it's not always so black and white. he does love her, he's just trying to find out if he's in love with her. They've grown apart and he's not being selfish. He's being very honest with her. When you've been with someone for so long, it's impossible to just say, "i don't love you - goodbye." 3 years ago, he wasn't feeling the way, he's feeling now. 3 years ago, he thought he was in love with her. He's letting her know that, which is why they're seperated. If she doesn't wait then that's up to the gf, if she does, then that's up to the gf too - it's just a chance he's going to have to take in order to find his happiness. If he stays with her and marries her, just so she can stay happy, it would be a lie to him and to her. He be marrying someone he was uncertain about. Would you like it if a man married you, not because he loved you, but because he'd felt he devoted so many years to you, he felt bad? That would be pretty sad if you did. She devoted 5yrs. to him, so did he to her. He wasn't unfaithful and cruel to her. they shared a lot, and he has every right to decide if it's not for him anymore or if it is and you have no right to judge that. This gf of his stayed with him, not because he made her, but because she chose to stay and take a chance. Well it happens. With any relationship you take that chance. If you don't want to take any chances, then don't date. Hopefully one day, he'll find someone more for him and she'll find someone better for her, who won't wonder whether he loves her or not. Maybe they'll both realize they want each other, but only time will tell. I dated a guy for 6 years. For 3 1/2 I was madly in love, after that, i started feeling differently. I thought I was just going through a phase. It took another 2 1/2 to realize, I wasn't in love anymore. He and I are now friends and he has a new girl. He's happy and we both look back on the 6 years we'd spent together and look at it as a learning and growing experience. Just because you date someone for a long time and love them at one point, doesn't mean you have to marry and spend the rest of your life them. You learn so much from every person that touches your life. That's how you grow - through pain and happiness. Maybe you should try it some time.