loving another man, hating myself for it...

[clarissa]

Hi there,

 

For several months now, I am having an affair with someone. My boyfriend doesn't know about it. I tried to end the affair, but somehow, I can't. This may sound very weak, stupid and irresponsible, and of course, this is the case. But for some reason, I can't bring myself to breaking up with this guy. I always thought I was a very sensible woman in control of her life, being faithful to the ones she loves, but this situation keeps proving me wrong. More and more, I get the idea this affair is becoming an obsession. THe idea of cheating on my boyfriend almost breaks my heart. Still, it doesn't make me able to say 'no' definitely. What's wrong with me? I can't figure it out. Yes, I feel really drawn to this other guy, sexually, but also emotionally and intellectually. The intimacy and intensity of our encounters is amazing, in quite another way than with my boyfriend (not better, just different). However, I am absolutely convinced that my boyfriend is The One for me: I would never break up with him. We even started living together this summer.

I haven't shared this with anyone I know. I really hope there is someone to give me some advice how to handle the situation, because the longer this situation continues, the more I start hating myself for it.

[Spectre]

My advice is to leave this other man. Any relationship where the man knows you are sleeping with someone else(your bf, no less) and still wants to continue being with you is a relationship that will never last. He's in it for the sex, he might be a nice guy, but you're kidding yourself if you think hes bf material.

 

Also, if you have any type of decency left inside you, you will tell your bf. If you respect or care for him in *any* capacity, you will tell him. Anything less is just unacceptable. If you cant tell your bf, then just dump him and try to make things work with this other man, but dont go the whole "ill never tell!" route, because its like adding insult to injury. I just hope you have the courtesy to tell this man what is going on, something tells me you wont

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your boyfriend was doing to you what you are doing to him? You are really unbelievable. You say your boyfriend is the one for you and you would never break up with him. In fact you are now living with him. Your boyfriend loves you and how do you repay him? You continue to screw another man while you are living with your boyfriend and putting his health at risk for STD's.

 

How in the world can you say you would never break up with your boyfriend and he is the one while you screw the OM behind his back and return to your boyfriend's bed at night. You have absolutely no respect for your boyfriend to humilate him this way. If you have any respect left toward your boyfriend (which I doubt) you have to be honest with him and tell him what you have been doing. He has right to decide whether he wishes to recovery this relationship or move on to someone else who respect him and the value of a committment in a relationship. You clearly do not respect your boyfriend or what a committed relationship is.

 

Again how would you feel if the roles were reversed? I bet you cannot even imagine it because your boyfriend has too much love and respect for you to do such a thing. How sad that you show such distain for your relationship and so little respect for your boyfriend. I feel very very sorry for your boyfriend because you are treating him like a complete fool and idiot. Try a new concept and be honest with your boyfriend for once. He at the very least deserves the truth from you after what you have done to him.

[megnog]

you can't have your cake and eat it too. you have to choose one or the other. its not fair to your bf that you have an ongoing sexual relationship with someone else.

really, if you love him then you respect him. and if you respect him then you wouldn't have done this to begin with. maybe you need help if you are obsessed with cheating. maybe you like being "naughty" but your bf has no idea and he shouldn't be dragged into all this weird drama. really REALLY what you should do is tell your bf and dump him saying you can't continue to do this to him, nor can you continue dating him knowing what you have done. i think you should end relations with the other guy too because he is the reason your bf "the ONE" and you aren't together any longer.

you need to really think.. why are you doing this? does it make you feel good or bad? do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you cheated on for so long? good luck.. and don't ever make this mistake again.

[Rooster_DAR]

Odds are great that you are going to lose both men. If that is not the case, life is really going to start getting hard with you considering the collateral damage involved.

 

I would chalk it up as a lesson learned once it's over, and build some boundaries in your next relationship.

 

Don't mingle with members of the opposite sex in a casual atmosphere unless your with you S/O, if you do this kind of thing happens easily. If you find yourself talking about things with the opposite sex that you don't talk about with your S/O, you are in big trouble.

 

Regards and good luck

[Yamaha]

You seem very immature. You love him but you can't end an affair that will end your relationship.

Is your b/f your first real relationship? You are not ready for a serious relationship. You want to see if the grass is greener on the other side but still you don't want to give up your love. I would advise you to break up with your bf until you are ready and able to sustain a relationship.

[clarissa]

I would like to thank you for the comments on my topic. Yes, I feel very very aweful about what I have done. Somehow, not talking about it with others was a way to deny my behaviour is immature and to avoid the consequences. I feel I am coming to my senses by reading your replies and I feel I am able to end the affair now, for it IS extremely humiliating for my b/f (who DOES deserves the best. Which might be not myself..). I just need some thinking about how and when to tell my b/f....

 

Thanks again,

Clarissa

[Bryanp]

Hello Clarissa,

 

I am glad to know that you are coming to your senses and moving out of the fog. You are doing the right thing by being honest with him. The fact that you are doing this shows that you do respect you boyfriend by telling him the truth. I wish you the best.

[Spectre]

The quicker you tell him the better. Sit him down and just explain it to him, you honestly will probably lose your bf, be prepared for that. One tip I can say is dont start crying. To a guy thats kind of insulting because you are the one who hurt him, so you have no right to cry. Im just saying my ex did that and it just made me despise her cuz its like hey I should be the one crying.

 

You should also realize your bf is *not* the one for you..as sad as it might make you, people dont do that to the "one" but, atleast when the one comes along you'll know what not to do right?

[Guest]

I just have to say that reading your post really helped me out, because I'm kind of at the beginning of a situation like the one you're in. I've dated my bf for 2 1/2 years, really love and respect him, but suddenly I'm really attracted to another man. A lot of people said this has to do with lack of maturity and lack of respect. I don't know, I say you can't help who you are attracted to. Even if you've been married for 30 years, I think there will always be other people who turn your head. You acted on it, and it seems like it created a really awful situation for you. So thank you, because now I know that I should not act on my attraction - no matter how much fun it would be at first, it would only cause hardship in the long run. Best of luck with your bf, and please let us know how it goes.

~H

[Rooster_DAR]

I don't know, I say you can't help who you are attracted to. Even if you've been married for 30 years, I think there will always be other people who turn your head

 

This is absolutely true, which is why before you get married or commit you figure out how your are going to trump those feelings. It can be done, if you are willing to stick with commitment.

[FolderWife]

Well, I know how you feel. You love the one you're with, but you love the other one too.

 

Let's just say that when I was in this situation, and I "couldn't leave the other man" I left the one I was supposed to be with, to be with the OM. I swear, I wasn't all his two days, before my eyes started to wander.

 

I was very sickened to learn that I was a cheater. I quickly started trying to change myself. I refused to accept that I was a cheater!

 

But I was...I am. I have managed to keep my adulterous ways at bay in my marriage to some extent, but I still have a wandering eye, and I still fantasize, and I still flirt too much...

 

Honey...maybe you are just a cheater. Maybe if you just accept that's what you are, maybe you can deal with it better...or maybe you can embrace it Your choice.

 

There is so much that is wonderful about cheating. The chemistry! The wonderful secret that you share with one person! The friendship that no one else can comprehend! And finally, being able to love your boyfriend *not OM* more fully, because you know that at any second, you could lose him forever. Also, you can forgive your boyfriend for more heinous acts (like lies, having dinner with the leggy co worker, etc.) a lot easier when you know that what you are doing to him is way worse.

 

Cheating is a horrible thing. But we humans tend to thrive on the horrible.

 

Just love yourself, Dear

[clarissa]

Hi,

Until now, I have not yet told my b/f about it, for he is abroad at the moment, and I would not even consider to tell him over the phone or something. I did quit seeing the OM and told him very clear it is definitely over.

 

I am also glad to find some other opinions on this forum, although I think there is absolutely no excuse for what I have done. To the Guest on this thread: you know, the problem for me is that my conscience somehow slapped me in the face when I was already into it over my head, and the cheating was going on for months. Now, I even feel I'd rather cut off my hand if this would revert this situation back to where it was before I was cheating... I really wish I had never done this. So please consider the way you could feel afterwards, apart from everything that could happen when your b/f finds out...

 

However, there is a question still going on in my mind. Maybe you can help me out. Some of you said: if you have any decency and any respect for your b/f, you should tell him. I can get into this opinion, especially when it comes to the fact that he should be able to make his decision to stay with me based on the truth. On the other hand, what is the truth? When I tell him what has happened, I probably won't be able to communicate the extent to which I feel sorry for him and how I regret it, and what's more, how this all could happen because, for some time, my self-esteem was really low and I was really confused about life (of course this isn't an excuse). What's more: you might say I don't really love him, otherwise I would never cheat on him. But really, I love him more than anything in the world, although I have been very very stupid. I think I really 'came out of the fog' and this will NEVER happen again.

 

Now I just wonder: why should I put him up with all this s??t by telling him? So my conscience is cleared? Because I need forgiveness for it? Chances are almost zero he will ever find out. I'd rather deal with the guilt myself for a while and try the best I can to be the best g/f I can be.

 

What do you think?

[Bryanp]

I am afraid that you are just rationalizing so you do not have to face the consequences of your actions. Your boyfriend loves you and you live together. You had been having sex with another man for months behind his back. You are trying to manipulate your boyfriend by not telling him so you do not have to face the consequences. He has a right to know that his girlfriend has been cheating on him.

 

He has a right to decide if he wishes to continue in the relationship. Your relationship is either based on truth and honesty or lies and deceit. Again it is a question of respect toward him. By not telling him you continue to disrespect him and your relationship. This is a real test to show if you truly do love and respect your boyfriend by telling him the truth. He has a right to decide what he wishes to do now and in the future. You know in your heart what is the right thing to do. At the very least he deserves to know the truth. Again it is truth versus lies and deceit. Do the right thing and be honest now and in the future.

[BentSpine]

Now, I even feel I'd rather cut off my hand if this would revert this situation back to where it was before I was cheating...

When I was about to tell about my cheating, I felt that I would rather have a battery of teeth drilled in than to hurt the one that really cared for me.

 

When I tell him what has happened, I probably won't be able to communicate the extent to which I feel sorry for him and how I regret it,

Yes, what you have created will take more than 30 minutes of you talking , ending with "Now do you see the logic why I cheated?", to make right.

 

It will take time before he is ready to talk about why the cheating happened. That is if he decides to take you back. Be prepared it will take many months years to build trust back. But odds are it is possible to regain trust if you come clean.

 

What's more: you might say I don't really love him, otherwise I would never cheat on him.

No, I do not say that you do not love him. But I do say there is a need that is not fulfilled within your relationship with your BF.

 

I think I really 'came out of the fog' and this will NEVER happen again.

I also said NEVER again. With hindsight, I realise that I would have remained vulnerable to cheating if my need did not start becoming fulfilled within the relationship.

 

Now I just wonder: why should I put him up with all this s??t by telling him? So my conscience is cleared?

Me confessing did not clear my conscience.

 

Before the cheating took place we had a great communication. In retrospect, our communication WAS our relationship.

 

I reasoned and still reason, that by confessing she would feel pain and she might leave me. But that which really mattered, our deep trust in each other's words, would remain untarnished.

 

She forgave me. But our needs were mutually exclusive, so eventually we parted ways.

 

Today, a part of me still loves her. But I know now, that our needs would not have been met within the relationship. Even though our trust in each other was high, we were incompatible on at least one crucial point. We would not have become a happy couple in the long run.

[catgirl1927]

You know, there are TONS of guys who would love to be in an open relationship. Unless you really get off on lying and tricking and humiliating someone, in which case you are a sociopath and frankly a bad person, then maybe you should seek out someone who would be happy in a relationship where both of you had sexual relationships with other people. If you really feel bad for hurting another person, and you're not just worried about facing consequences, then maybe the best thing to do is end the relationship and find someone who is more like you. You have to be with someone with whom you're compatible or both of you will be miserable.

[Gia77]

My advise: Break up with your boyfriend, you're not ready for a committed relationship. In fact, you may never be, because in my opinion cheating becomes a compulsion for some people just like gambling, shoplifting, etc. I bet your boyfriend is a nice guy too, all the more reason to let him go and find someone who would love him..(please don't try to explain to everyone here that you love him, you will just be making yourself look worse.)

[mental_traveller]

Hi there,

 

For several months now, I am having an affair with someone. My boyfriend doesn't know about it. I tried to end the affair, but somehow, I can't. This may sound very weak, stupid and irresponsible, and of course, this is the case. But for some reason, I can't bring myself to breaking up with this guy. I always thought I was a very sensible woman in control of her life, being faithful to the ones she loves, but this situation keeps proving me wrong. More and more, I get the idea this affair is becoming an obsession. THe idea of cheating on my boyfriend almost breaks my heart. Still, it doesn't make me able to say 'no' definitely. What's wrong with me? I can't figure it out. Yes, I feel really drawn to this other guy, sexually, but also emotionally and intellectually. The intimacy and intensity of our encounters is amazing, in quite another way than with my boyfriend (not better, just different). However, I am absolutely convinced that my boyfriend is The One for me: I would never break up with him. We even started living together this summer.

I haven't shared this with anyone I know. I really hope there is someone to give me some advice how to handle the situation, because the longer this situation continues, the more I start hating myself for it.

 

 

Ok, first of all your conviction that your boyfriend is "The One" is wrong. The fact that you are drawn to this other man is proof of that. The only way you can have this conviction is if you have a false view of what you want out of a relationship. Your mind might tell you that someone like your bf is your "type", but your heart & body is telling you this is not the case. So you should alter your thinking and stop letting this idea about your bf being "the one" affect your decisions.

 

Second, you simply have to end it with your bf. Whether you tell him the real reason is a matter for your conscience. But you have to end it, because he will find out eventually, and you are exposing him to risk of serious diseases by sleeping with this other guy; besides, the guilt will eventually screw you up anyway. You absolutely should NOT try to finish the affair and reconcile with your bf, even if both you and him "want" to try to make it work. The reason is that you will always have this temptation, because your bf just doesn't give you those intense feelings you get from the affair. You will always have something missing in your relationship. Great relationships give you the feelings you get from an affair *as well as* the companionship you get from this current bf. If those exciting feelings are missing, then you will always be open to the temptation to cheat. So much as your bf might be appealing in many ways, it's just not going to work for the rest of your life. Spare both of you a lot of heartache by ending it.

 

Unfortunately, I doubt you will do this. Your bf may well plead for you to stay, you'll probably be a sucker for his pleading, and you'll try to "work it out". I think it will just end in tears further down the line. It will never get back to what it was, the trust & innocence will be gone. IMO real love is not possible when either party has betrayed it. Also, you will want to have your cake and eat it too, so you will try to keep the affair a secret. This will just make it all the more devastating when it is exposed. But I suspect you just lack the guts to tell your bf, so the poor sod will just have to find out by luck, once you start to get careless or someone else finds you out. Then the **** will really hit the fan.

 

You want the impossible - to have the feelings of the affair, the security of your relationship with your bf, and for this to be able to continue without you feeling guilty. Obviously that can't happen. I suggest you read through several of the affair threads on this site, that will give you a real wake-up call on the reality of affairs and their devastating aftermath. Maybe, just maybe, it might knock some sense into your silly little brain. It's the only real chance that you might avoid continuing down this path that is going to f*ck-up your life and ruin your bfs trust of women forever.

[mental_traveller]

As for ending it now (assuming you don't go back) and keeping it a secret. Well, your relationship will now be based on a huge whopping great lie. You say you love your bf - is it fair to trick, lie, and defraud him, and allow him to invest his life into something that is the complete opposite of what he imagines? If you love and respect him, how can you allow him to go on living a lie?

 

Look - if this relationship is really meant to be (which I doubt), then it will survive even this devastating revalation. But a relationship based on a monstrous lie, spun out for years, is just a fraud, a fake, a mockery of any real relationship between two adult human beings. Imagine if this guy proposes to you. How will you feel walking down the isle in your wedding dress, with your family looking on, and him looking you in the eye and saying "I do" - then you have to say it, knowing that you have this awful secret inside you? Knowing that he is completely unaware that another guy was pounding his wife to be's pussy for months behind his back, unaware that he is about to marry a barefaced liar who is about to play the most horrible trick imaginable?

 

Do you really want to be that person? Do you really want to live your life like a sociopathic sh*t? Because that is what you'll be if you keep this a secret.

[FolderWife]

I wouldn't tell. It will hurt him, and it will hurt you, and your relationship isn't the same relationship you cheated on...you learned from it and you'll never do it again, so don't tell him.

 

In my opinion.

 

I gotta say, my opinions aren't based on morals lately...but then again, who has morals now days. Cheating isn't ok, but who am I to judge. I never ever ever ever ever thought I would stay with an abuser, but here I am.

 

Do what's best for you, honey. Life is too short to lose someone you love, because you f***ed up. That is IF you can live with the guilt.

 

now if you can't live with the guilt, tell him.

[FolderWife]

As for ending it now (assuming you don't go back) and keeping it a secret. Well, your relationship will now be based on a huge whopping great lie.

 

Just read this little bit...you people are fooling yourself if you think that all relationships are based on truth.

 

People make stuff up in their head about the person they love, and 50% of it isn't true. We all believe what we want to believe, and don't believe what we don't want to believe about the one we love. You never completely know someone. NEVER. Maybe I'm just not optomistic.

[mental_traveller]

I wouldn't tell. It will hurt him, and it will hurt you, and your relationship isn't the same relationship you cheated on...you learned from it and you'll never do it again, so don't tell him.

 

In my opinion.

 

I gotta say, my opinions aren't based on morals lately...but then again, who has morals now days. Cheating isn't ok, but who am I to judge. I never ever ever ever ever thought I would stay with an abuser, but here I am.

 

Do what's best for you, honey. Life is too short to lose someone you love, because you f***ed up. That is IF you can live with the guilt.

 

now if you can't live with the guilt, tell him.

 

Rationalising sociopathic behaviour is one of the side-effects of living a life where you continually make compromises to your personal integrity.

[mental_traveller]

Just read this little bit...you people are fooling yourself if you think that all relationships are based on truth.

 

People make stuff up in their head about the person they love, and 50% of it isn't true. We all believe what we want to believe, and don't believe what we don't want to believe about the one we love. You never completely know someone. NEVER. Maybe I'm just not optomistic.

 

Please don't wilfully misinterprent others or simply make up stories about them. I never said relationships are based on truth. Your personal tendencies to romanticise your love partners and be blinded by what you call love are not necessarily shared by everyone.

 

I agree that it's impossible to know the truth about someone, as you said. However, there is a big difference between never being 100% sure about the whole truth, and being certain that the relationship is based on a huge lie and betrayal of your partner's trust. There's a whole world of difference there. Only a committed manipulator/sociopath would find it second nature to conflate the two.

[Guest]

I was just wondering if this affair has taken place entirely while your boyfriend was away, or did it also happen while he was "with you". I ask, becuase I am guessing if it took place while dyour boyfriend was here with you, this OM must either be married or have a SO, otherwise why would he settle for seeing very little of you. And if he settled for say, a quickie at work or at lunch or whatever, but spent no real time with you, due to your spending time with your bf, the intensity you felt you shared may not exist if the two of you spent any real time together.

 

Although I don't approve of what you did, I do think you are headed in the right direction by admitting you were wrong to have done it and wanting to make amends. And ok, I'm gonna say it: for some reason I get the feel that this other dude is a smooth talking, fakey charismatic type who is gonna try to hang on for the sex. I say that cause what else would be in it for him if the gal has a boyfriend she spends most of her time with. Unless you want to lose your bf, my advice is NO contact with the OM. And if you must have contact (such as work) be politely cool--no make that cold. You sound like a nice person who just screwed up and is now sorry, Good luck.