dnpayne Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Well, I never thought my wife and I would get this far. About 2 months ago I came home from work and she was gone. She called me and told me she needed some space and was staying at her mom and dads. We have been together for 7 years (married for 4). I never in a million years saw this coming. She has told me a lot of hurtful things over the past 2 months that she never mentioned at all until now. I understand some of what she is saying and I have been going to counceling the entire two months. She only went to 3 sessions and refuses to go again. She says she needs to heal. I tried to do what the councelor had suggested by not calling all the time and trying to create good experiences by doing fun things. At first she agreed, but then she just stopped. And now she is trying to blame me for bothering her. Well, in the meantime I am home by myself while she does whatever she wants at her parents house. No bills, chores, etc. Not to mention she has all her family there supporting her. This is just so hard. I tried to get her to go to a marriage retreat, but she said she thought it was a waste of time. I don't know what to do. I don't believe in taking the easy way out and getting a divorse. I love her more than anything for one reason and I don't think our issues are worth that. To me they seem like normal everyday marriage stuff. You know, money, leaving things laying around, saying things you don't mean sometimes (which I am completely ashamed of), etc. I don't know what to do. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. These two months have seem like forever. This is torture and I really don't think she cares. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 My friend, it sound like the end of a relationship already. She has already demontrated she is not interested in sustaining the relationship any further by stating she does'nt want to seek help. Best thing to do now, is start grieving and do not contact her anymore. You are going to have to let her go and let her decide if she is willing to put forth any more effort. I know it really sucks, but this thing happens all the time. Just do some research on this website and you will start putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Good Luck Regards, Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Well, I never thought my wife and I would get this far. About 2 months ago I came home from work and she was gone. She called me and told me she needed some space and was staying at her mom and dads. We have been together for 7 years (married for 4). I never in a million years saw this coming. She has told me a lot of hurtful things over the past 2 months that she never mentioned at all until now. I understand some of what she is saying and I have been going to counceling the entire two months. She only went to 3 sessions and refuses to go again. She says she needs to heal. I tried to do what the councelor had suggested by not calling all the time and trying to create good experiences by doing fun things. At first she agreed, but then she just stopped. And now she is trying to blame me for bothering her. Well, in the meantime I am home by myself while she does whatever she wants at her parents house. No bills, chores, etc. Not to mention she has all her family there supporting her. This is just so hard. I tried to get her to go to a marriage retreat, but she said she thought it was a waste of time. I don't know what to do. I don't believe in taking the easy way out and getting a divorse. I love her more than anything for one reason and I don't think our issues are worth that. To me they seem like normal everyday marriage stuff. You know, money, leaving things laying around, saying things you don't mean sometimes (which I am completely ashamed of), etc. I don't know what to do. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. These two months have seem like forever. This is torture and I really don't think she cares. BTW When she stated "she needed some space", she was actually saying it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Give it time. I don't want to pry, but I'm reading between the lines, you say you've said some hurtful things that you wish you could take back?? Meaning, the things you said DID emotional damage to her, which has made her feel less for you. All you can do is give her the space and time she needs. You continue going to therapy and better yourself. Then, in action and words - PROVE to her that you are worth her love, respect and trust. Whatever happened between you two is serious enough for her to move out. GOod luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
ashleyanj4 Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Im giving this advise from being one on the other side and I will give my best at it to hopefully give you some kind of answer. You said that at times you said some hurtfull things now my husband done this alot. After awhile those small words and those little bits of hurtful words grew and grew into big problems for me. I withdrew from my husband because I knew that some way or another that he was going to say something that put me down. I dont know if you ever apologized for the things which im sure you probally did. But after awhile apologies dont mean a thing. Now where she felled was she never truly expressed to you how she was feeling and now shes done. You have to ask her this "are you in love with me?" if she says no dont try just do your best to let her go I have learned on my own that no matter what you do that you can never get the kind of love back that you had to begin with. If she isnt and she decideds to come back it is only going to tear you apart more because she wont stay long. Dont call her and try to explain to her how you feel because all you are doing is making her mad, Its smothering and it only makes things worse. she gets confused and madder at the situation at hand. If she has been gone for 2 months and she is totally done she has more and likely found someone else if not before she left. i think that because she compleatly quit trying to work on it she has no more interest in it or you. Best advise dont call her, if you see her and she ask, you are doing great. dont let her know that she is hurting you its pleasing to her because of the things you have said to her in the past. give her the space that she asked for let her come to you if she loves you she will eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 BTW When she stated "she needed some space", she was actually saying it's over. Rooster I know you have read my post and my wife also said this but I hope you are wrong, only time will tell. Ashleyanj4, thanks for adding your side of things. It seems like all of us that still want the relationship to work out do the same thing. We keep pushing to try and make things work out when we in reality we are just like you said pissing the person off and pushing them farther away. My H wanted to move out in Oct. but I could see the longer we were together the worse it was for the both of us and she ended up moving out the first of Sept. and now that I look back at the last month we were together I was just pushing her farther and farther away. I am also one of the newbies around here but in the little time I have been here I've learned a LOT. Just keep reading what people are saying and like they all say just worry about yourself because you can't do a damn thing about what the other person thinks or wants to do. Yes I know that is a lot easier said then done that's for damn sure because I'm still having trouble with it. Good luck and keep posting because it helps to vent!!! and hopefully someone will post some good information to help you out. Link to post Share on other sites
Timberlane Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Where did you guys read that he said some hurtful things? He typed: "She has told me a lot of hurtful things over the past 2 months that she never mentioned at all until now." She said the things, ie. secrets she was witholding. Next time you talk to your wife, just talk about getting a divorce. Call her bluff. Then actually go do it. And think about going out on a date or doing something fun without puting your life on hold for this. I know that sounds cold, but this is the hand you have been dealt. Your wife doesn't sound like she gives a damn anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
ashleyanj4 Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 I love her more than anything for one reason and I don't think our issues are worth that. To me they seem like normal everyday marriage stuff. You know, money, leaving things laying around, saying things you don't mean sometimes (which I am completely ashamed of), there is where I get the hurtful things being said........Now to me he might have not come out and said that he said some hurtful things. But when you say you are compleatly ashamed of it that to me is a sign that those kind of words where spoken.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Many times a woman says she wants space and separates because she has emotionally left the relationship and is ready to move on. Rarely do women leave their husbands just to get some distance. It's usually about another man. Read around the forums and see where I'm right on this. She's blaming this all on you. That's to take the focus off her actions. If I were you I'd do a little snooping and find out what's really going on. While you're at that- why are you paying all the bills?? Do not be giving her money and let her be responsible for her share. If she's living at her parents she's not paying rent and she should be sharing the financial burden. Have you read "Love Must be tough" by James Dobson?? Link to post Share on other sites
darksoul Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Just because someone says "They need space" does not mean that it is over. Many people will post and express what has happened to them, but the only people who know your realtionship is you and your partner. One thing I do not understand after reading your post is how long this all went on for. You say that she came home from work and then was gone, did either of you contemplate talking about breaking up or a seperation before this happened? People become suffocated in a relationship at times, whilst one person assumes all is golden then other may think all is black but with no effective communication neither will know how the other feels. Your both married, which makes it legal. In a way it can be a blessing as a trial seperation is the last stage before divorce proceedings begin (well in the UK anyway). Listen to her, accept that this is what she wants. Of course it hurts, it will. This is the woman you married, she is the love of your life and if you love her that much you will give her what she wants. Please though bear this in mind. Just becuse she wants a seperation does not mean that it is 100% over, it does not mean that she is screwing every man she meets. That is just the dark dog that sits on your shoulder barking all the negative aspects of a break up into your ear and is trying to brainwash you. Accept it and try and negotiate some sort of deal to meet each other occasionally. When I went to counselling I sat behind a desk listening to some so called "expert" trying to ram all sorts of advice down my neck, I actually asked her if she had ever been seperated she replied "no". So how the hell can they advise you if they have never been through this beats me. Sit down, think of the worst possible current scenario and accept that is how things are, the only way from that is up. You two got married for a reason and I hope that the both of you can sit down and figure things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 You say you never saw this coming...problem with that statement is that the writing is usually on the wall, if you see it. What are some of the hurtful things that were said? People don't just leave because of the usual ups and downs in a marriage; money, chores, etc. There has to be more to it than that. Most times a M falls apart because of a wayward spouse, abuse, neglect, lack of communication on both parts, etc, etc, etc. You really need to give more specific information as to what has lead to this. And LJ is right--don't give her a dime. she wants to be on her own, let her do the work then. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 Many times a woman says she wants space and separates because she has emotionally left the relationship and is ready to move on. Rarely do women leave their husbands just to get some distance. It's usually about another man. Read around the forums and see where I'm right on this. She's blaming this all on you. That's to take the focus off her actions. If I were you I'd do a little snooping and find out what's really going on. While you're at that- why are you paying all the bills?? Do not be giving her money and let her be responsible for her share. If she's living at her parents she's not paying rent and she should be sharing the financial burden. Have you read "Love Must be tough" by James Dobson?? Mrs. Pixie is pretty much right on. Although there are probably exceptions to this, it is more likely than unlikely. My recent EX said those words, and other words with the same meaning and context. I also found evidence that she was involved with a co-worker that she had been out of town with for several months, and when I confronted her it with it I got the third degree for being nosy and controlling (B.S.). P.S. Also beware of the words "You are a Great Guy/Person", those are words of absolution. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 Well I'm glad you agree Rooster- it seemed that Dark Soul does not. I myself know tons of people who have separated and divorced- only one of those women actually left the man to "get herself straight" and that was because he was controlling and jealous and counting mileage on her car. They both got therapy and got back together after a year and a half. She never dated anyone else and neither did he. If you scout this forum you can also see how many times this has happened. Countless. There are also other forums out there where you can see that this happens way more times than you would think. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 I myself know tons of people who have separated and divorced- only one of those women actually left the man to "get herself straight" and that was because he was controlling and jealous and counting mileage on her car. They both got therapy and got back together after a year and a half. She never dated anyone else and neither did he. I need to talk to that friend of yours if he was controlling. At least I did't count the mileage on her car. That is what I am working on now myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 I need to talk to that friend of yours if he was controlling. At least I did't count the mileage on her car. That is what I am working on now myself. It was a relative of my husband's. The wife was his relative. He had to get help for himself before she would believe he was changing. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 *Stares at Mz. Pixies Picture* Hey Bebe! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 *Stares at Mz. Pixies Picture* Hey Bebe! Hello yourself but by the way, I'm probably too old for you and I'm happily married! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 I appreciate all the comments. I'll try to clarify some things. First, the "seperation" isn't legal. We are just staying at different places. I know she isn't involved with someone else, but I do think she is being influenced by her single co-workers. She mostly works with women and I am pretty sure her manager is single. She hangs out with her quite often and I think I can safely say our marriage isn't in her friends best interest. They are just going to say what she wants to here. About the hurtful things, I am a very particular person and sometimes I try to expect that of others. I think the main problems we have is that she never told me how she felt until it built up to much. I agree with some of the things she is saying and have taken every step I can take to make change, not only for her, but for myself. I always thought our marriage was good. We had little fights, but it wasn't all the time and didn't last long. But, I guess now I am finding out she had a different view. Everyone has quirks and I know it isn't all my fault. It is both of our faults. I only wish I knew then what I know now. The counselor is very good and she is shedding all sorts of new light on things. If my wife would only come I know she would see it too. The counselor has said many times our issues are normal in marriages and she sees this all the time. You all are right when you say I can only work on myself. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I pray for us every night that we can make it through. I really hope she just needed some time to cool off. Oh well, only time will tell. Thanks again for the support. By the way, I don't believe in getting a divorce unless the situation merrits it. Our situation isn't that way and I think "divorce" is the biggest cop out amoung our society today. It's really easy to give up and remove yourself from the battle, but retreat never leads to victory. Don't get me wrong, divorse is necessary at times, I just think our society is quick to divorce over minor issues. So, I will continue to fight for our marriage until she ends it. Thanks again. I will keep posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 24, 2006 Share Posted September 24, 2006 "It's really easy to give up and remove yourself from the battle, but retreat never leads to victory. " Wrong! It does, if you've got an ambush set up behind you from which to retreat behind of and re-group! You're just a Dead Man walking! Then you've got infinite fields of fire, and infinite retreat possibilities! "Pull back! Re-Group! ~ FIRE! "Pull back! Re-Group! ~ FIRE! "Pull back! Re-Group! ~ FIRE! Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 24, 2006 Share Posted September 24, 2006 Hello yourself but by the way, I'm probably too old for you and I'm happily married! I doubt your too old for me, and I wasn't hitting on you. Just admiring your avatar. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 24, 2006 Share Posted September 24, 2006 I doubt your too old for me, and I wasn't hitting on you. Just admiring your avatar. Hot Damn! Lets the conpetutution! LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts