NOOO! I thought I was over all this jealous crap!

[lovestruck234]

I really did. And it sucks...

 

Ok, so SOME of you may know the situation with my sister, Carly and Rhys? Ring any bells??

 

Well, quick explanation. My sister is a flirtatious b*tch who has often flirted with Rhys (bf) on occasions and my bf doesn't see the problem...yeah, that's pretty much it...

 

Well, anyway...yesterday afternoon Rhys was picking me up from the station cos my car is at the panel beaters at the moment and my mum and dad we're in Sydney; mum had an appointment at the hospital and they were going to stay the night cos there was another appointment she had to go to the next day and it would save them coming home then going back up the next day. etc so Carly was goign to stay the night and drop me at the stationt the next day....

 

Anyway, I rang Rhys when I was on the train to see what he was doing and he picked up and for some reason I could tell straight away he was at my house.

 

Me "Hey, where are you?"

Him "Uh...at work"

Me "No you're not"

Him "Yeah I am, I'm just about to leave now to come get you"

Me "It doesn't sound like your at work"

Him "I AM!!"

Me "Ok, see you soon"

 

It was eating me up the whole way home then when I got to the station he was waiting at the station in Carly's car....

 

I got in, hello kiss, how was your day....etc

 

Me "How come you lied to me?"

Him "What?"

Me "You said you were at work....you were at my house with Carly"

Him "Oh, Tess, get over it!"

Me "No, why lie to me Rhys? If you told me the truth I wouldn't have got worked up like I am now!"

Him "I'm sick of this sh*t Tess, there is only one thing you are good for and that is starting arguments, I'm f*ckin sick of it!"

 

I'm sorry, but am I being irrational here? He knocked off work early (4pm instead of 5pm), went to my house, Carly was home alone, THEN he took her car to get it cleaned, then I get in the car and he gets the sh*ts with me.

 

"We're just friends, Tess, I'm not into your sister!"

 

I can't help but be sus about it all. How would he feel if he had an older brother and I hung out with him when he wasn't around????

 

I thought I wasn't jealous anymore. And it's all coming back.

 

You all know what Carly is like. Decieving, flirtatious, knieving....what if one day he just gives in? I will be shattered!

 

My sister possibly has more respect for me than that, but what if....?

 

ARGH!! I hate being all jealous like this!! I think I seriously have to see someone about it!

 

Please help me. Am I right for feeling this way?

 

Or am I crazy and obsessive? I hate any moment him and Carly spend together! I hate it! HATE IT!!!!!

[megnog]

oh tess..

now i see we are both in the same boat. i know you always gave me great advice and now its my turn (i'll try!).

 

it does seem suspicious that your bf would lie to you and then when you got upset about it he got mad at you. did he ever clarify if he was at your house or not? or how he could have gotten your sisters car??

i don't think hes dumb enough to go to your house and cheat on you with your sister and then pick you up with your sisters car!! it seems like he would be smarter than that if he wanted to cheat on you.

which, by the way, he doesn't!! how long have you two been dating now?? i have the sammmmmmmee problem, i know for a fact my bf and my sister would be GREAT together and that KILLS ME which is why i can't even have them in the same room together. so, if they hung out , like in your situation, i would be fuming.. but

from the outsiders perspective..

i don't think he is interested in your sister. if he was, he probably would have broken up with you and pursued your sister. instead, try to make light of this and be happy that they get along well because one day you two might get married and she will be family to him legally.

 

i would get upset and jealous and all that too . SO you should talk to him. tell him it makes you jealous and you really don't want to be jealous of your sister and him.. don't fight about it, just tell him how you feel. also, have you tried talking to your sister? tell her it bothers you because you feel like she flirting with him. see what she says. maybe she doesn't even realize shes doing it.

and now crazy megan wants to speak up ...

maybe you should get a small video camera or something of that sort and be at work or something one day and know that them two will hang out at the house.. and you could look back on it and see exactly what they do/talk about. i would be really curious to know.

also, do you three hang out very often???

[lovestruck234]

Yeah, he clarified it. He's like "The reason I didn't tell you I was there is because I knew this would happen!"

 

He went and took her car to the car wash for her.....um....he has never taken my car to the car wash...ever.

 

I have talked to him and Carly NUMEROUS times about it and they both say the same thing. 'Tess, GET OVER IT! Nothing is happening with us, lay off!'....

 

So that leads me to feel guilty for feeling this way. But I can't help how I feel.

 

I don't want to be jealous, I really don't, I HATE it in fact.

 

Yeah, me too. My sister and him seem like such a perfect couple if they ever got together so Im always questioning why he is with me, and not her??

 

He tells me "He's not into fat chicks"....she is kinda large... ....but anyway, large or not, it still churns me up so bad...

 

I know secretly he wants me to be more like Carly cos I've heard him say a few times that she's a really likeable person and....oh....man....

 

GARGH!! I get myself so worked up sometimes!!!!

[Adunaphel]

I have talked to him and Carly NUMEROUS times about it and they both say the same thing. 'Tess, GET OVER IT! Nothing is happening with us, lay off!'....

 

What a nice pair of idiots.

Since *nothing* is happening with them, why not stop hanging out together????

 

Did they know each other before you got together?

Are they good freinds?

Were they good friends before you started feeling jealous?

 

I agree with megnog about him being probably not interested in your sister, and I second her advice:

i would get upset and jealous and all that too . SO you should talk to him. tell him it makes you jealous and you really don't want to be jealous of your sister and him.. don't fight about it, just tell him how you feel. also, have you tried talking to your sister? tell her it bothers you because you feel like she flirting with him. see what she says. maybe she doesn't even realize shes doing it.

 

(even if I don't buy the "she does not realize it" part - she probably does but thinks it's no big deal)

 

if your bf keeps not seing the problem, I'd consider seriously the idea of starting dating someone whose eyesight is better.

 

(You could tell I am bitter towards people who do not see where problem is)

[littlekitty]

Since *nothing* is happening with them, why not stop hanging out together????

 

Agreed. If they really did consider your feelings they maybe ought to do this. However, on the flip side, your sister and bf ought to be two people you'd trust to be around each other!!

 

Red flags:

 

Why did he knock off an hour early that day?

Why go to your house knowing you weren't there? (Unless it was to pick you up with Sis).

Why lie? (We know why, but it was stupid!)

Why take her car to the wash for her?

 

I have felt like this previously about an old bf and a mate. But with slightly more cause. Fact of the matter is, part of it is probably your own jealousy that you do need to deal with. You shouldn't feel like this in a secure relationship.

 

But there are some red flags there I'm slightly curious about.

 

I think you have some unfounded jealousy, and they aren't making it any better!

[lovestruck234]

littlekitty, I agree with your red flags to an extent.

 

He does, on occasions, knock off a little earlier. But he hadn't been knocking off before 5 for ages. And when I ask him what time he knocked off he's like "4, but I didn't want to say anything to you cos I didn't want Dad to find out" (he works for his dad)...

 

Yes, I agree they shouldn't hang out that often. I'm not one of those demanding, "NO! You can't do that!" girlfriends, but when it comes to something like this...hmmm....

 

But this is something about him that really PISSES ME OFF. he does things like this because he thinks it's "fun to stir me up". He jokes about things like "Yeah, I went around and bonked your sister, so what?" Then will be like "Naaaah, only kidding!"...he does it ALL THE TIME, then I get the sh*ts, then he tells me to get over it and learn to take a joke. That's how all our arguments starts. He tells me to lighten up and stop taking everything so seriously. Then I feel guilty for being THE PERSON I AM.

 

How can I take a joke like some of the jokes he cracks? I do trust him, I really do. I don't know what it is....hmmm...maybe I don't trust him. But he's never done anything to take that trust away.

 

I don't know....I try and I try to talk to him and RATIONALISE things, and he never wants to listen and tells me to stop bugging him about it. I don't mean to bug him, but this is an issue I have, sorry, I can't help feeling the way I do.

 

They have been friends since we moved down to where I live now. They were friends with each other before I was friends with him so that's why I feel bad.

 

Carly has said before "No offence Tess, but it's kinda like, well, he was my friend before he was your boyfriend. I'm not going to stop seeing him JUST because you're with him now"

 

What am I eant to say to that? yes, you ARE going to stop seeing him. My intentions are not to deny them of their friendship, but.....hmmm...you would think she would back off JUST a little since we are together now. I know I would do the same thing (back off a little) if I was in her situation.

 

She's just inconsiderate.

[RecordProducer]

Him "I'm sick of this sh*t Tess, there is only one thing you are good for and that is starting arguments, I'm f*ckin sick of it!"

It's actually this comment that poked my eye more than anything else. These categorizations that men make about us in every argument and they never want to be criticized about anything...

 

I'm sorry, but am I being irrational here? He knocked off work early (4pm instead of 5pm), went to my house, Carly was home alone, THEN he took her car to get it cleaned, then I get in the car and he gets the sh*ts with me.

How do you know? Your sis told you?

 

"We're just friends, Tess, I'm not into your sister!"

Believe him and relax once for all, for your own sake, hon!

 

I can't help but be sus about it all. How would he feel if he had an older brother and I hung out with him when he wasn't around????

He probably wouldn't mind.

 

what if one day he just gives in? I will be shattered!

If he gives in to Carly or any other girl, you will know that he is NOt the right one for you. It's not your job to prevent it from happening. It's his job!

 

I hate any moment him and Carly spend together! I hate it! HATE IT!!!!!

Some day you'll be laughing at yourself for these thoughts! Make that day be today!

[RecordProducer]

Carly has said before "No offence Tess, but it's kinda like, well, he was my friend before he was your boyfriend. I'm not going to stop seeing him JUST because you're with him now"

Well she is right. Now if he hurt you, she shouldn't be friends with him maybe, but she doesn't have any reason to stop hanging out with him. They are not taking your jealousy seriously and that's a good sign.

 

you would think she would back off JUST a little since we are together now. I know I would do the same thing (back off a little) if I was in her situation.

She's just inconsiderate.

No, she is not. You only think she is doing something bad because of what's in your mind, not what is really going on. Calm down, honey and don't worry, OK? They both love you.

[lovestruck234]

Thanks RP.

 

All of that helped alot.

 

I know he went and saw her because yes, Carly did mention it. He took her car to the car wash and also went in and got her dinner....

 

When the f*ck has he ever done any of that for me? Never. He's probably bought me dinner on occasions but whinges and whines about it all night. With Carly it's like "yeah, of course, not a probelm, want me to kiss you a$$ while I'm at it?"

 

.

 

I know I'm sort of using this as an excuse to bring it ALL out, but gargh, it's so frustrating!!

 

Like, they're both really farmy people....I mean, I am too, but I ride my bike more than anything. Like, when they were close friends, they were horse riding together all the time.

 

I KNOW Rhys secretely wishes I was more like her.

[RecordProducer]

Glad you're feeling better about it. Plus you're under a lot of stress already and are taking it out on the first person available..

 

I forgot to tell you, if he is lying to you, it's because he is afraid of you and your critisism. Imagine something stupid but pleasurable for you, e.g. you exchange emails with a guy from LS on a friendly basis, but this guy is into you... and Rhys gives you sh*t about it. Would you stop or would you fight with him about this small thing over and over again or would you simply continue to do it without reporting it to him?

 

My husband told me once: "Trust me that I will always do the right thing even if I hide some things from you just to protect you and because I think they are completely unimportant."

 

This thing is actually not about him, but between you and Carly. You're jealous of her for no reason. Why do you assume he would like you to be like her? I would like my husband to be like 50 other people combined in one, but it doesn't mean I don't love him. When we love - we love. We don't compare. If he compares you then he doesn't love you and vice versa. But I see from everything you post that he loves you and get the thing with your sister out of your head.

 

When I just married my husband, I thought that his twin brother was more dedicated to his wife than my husband to me (it turned out that his twin is her puppy dog, but that's not the point). It didn't make me desire my brother-in-law for one second to be my husband instead! And they are twins! Well later on, I got so disappointed in his brother that I get sick when my husband reminds me of him, but you get the point.

[lovestruck234]

I forgot to tell you, if he is lying to you, it's because he is afraid of you and your critisism. Imagine something stupid but pleasurable for you, e.g. you exchange emails with a guy from LS on a friendly basis, but this guy is into you... and Rhys gives you sh*t about it. Would you stop or would you fight with him about this small thing over and over again or would you simply continue to do it without reporting it to him?

 

Yeah, that makes sense. We were actually talking one day about trust and all that sort of stuff and I said to him that trust is what holds everything up in a relationship. If you haven't got trust, then you haven't got anything. He agreed but also said that he doesn't tell me alot of things because he doesn't want it to end in a sh*t fit...

 

So I guess that's not so much trust, which I thought it was, but more him not wanting it to get out of hand over something silly. And I know I'm guilty of firing up over silly things....

 

But the thing is, I haven't got things that I "hide" from him. There isn't much I do that I would need to hide from him. Actually, there's nothing he doesn't know about me or what I do. I do this because that's how I want to be treated....

 

My mum always said that I should treat people the way I want to be treated.

 

But....should there be really any need to hide these things anyway?? He shouldn't be hiding things from me!...I'm sorry, I'm just questioning too much into this.

 

All I want to do is get over this damn jealousy. But I can't help it. I really can't. I'm always wondering if Rhys will find some super-hot girl or move onto something better.

 

I've told him this and he's like "Tess, do you think I'm stupid enough to get rid of you? It's like I'm going out with Miss Universe! You're a model for crying out loud! Who wouldn't want that as a gf?"

 

But how do I know that he means that?

[johan]

Well, at least you still have a job.

[Touche]

Wow! You ask if you're crazy OR obsessive? Have you ever considered the fact that you may be BOTH?

 

You don't trust him. And you don't trust your sister. Sorry, if someone already pointed ths out...didn't read the other posts. But it seems that the problem lies with YOU.

 

The more you push him and question him the more he will push back...ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

[lovestruck234]

Wow! You ask if you're crazy OR obsessive? Have you ever considered the fact that you may be BOTH?

 

You don't trust him. And you don't trust your sister. Sorry, if someone already pointed ths out...didn't read the other posts. But it seems that the problem lies with YOU.

 

The more you push him and question him the more he will push back...ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

 

Thanks for your input Touche. Very much appreciated. RP gave me some pretty good advice, I think I'm right from here...you can go now....

[lovestruck234]

Well, at least you still have a job.

 

 

Well...that's right.

[Touche]

Thanks for your input Touche. Very much appreciated. RP gave me some pretty good advice, I think I'm right from here...you can go now....

 

Fine..ignore me. But guess what? I'll go when I feel like going!

[lovestruck234]

Fine..ignore me. But guess what? I'll go when I feel like going!

 

....that's so funny!

[Touche]

....that's so funny!

 

I know, isn't it? I think so too!

 

But hey...why not think about what I said? You know...I just MAY know what I'm talking about...I know it's hard to believe!

[lovestruck234]

I know, isn't it? I think so too!

 

But hey...why not think about what I said? You know...I just MAY know what I'm talking about...I know it's hard to believe!

 

Look, Touche. It is clearly obvious that you have a few issues with me. Probably clear that I have a few with you...

 

But, to be honest, I really couldn't be bothered arguing with you. Really, it's easier to just get along that to be constantly bickering all the time. And don't say that i always start it or whatever, you're guilty of it too. We both are.

 

Sometimes you may be right, sometimes you may be wrong. Yes, you may know what you're talking about, and you have strong opinions and views, but that doesn't make them right. You are entitled to your opinion, but it doesn't necessarily make it right. Hell, I know on numerous occasions I have been wrong. Sometimes it's nice to be right all the time, but it's an opinion. I can choose to take it or leave it. just the same as anybody else's opinon on here. If I don't choose to pursue it, that's your cue not to either.

 

I'm sure you are a very wise woman, but to be honest, I don't know you from a bar of soap. So it's impossible for you to sit there and point the finger telling me that it's "My way or the highway!"...it doesn't work like that. Sometimes I like to think with my own head. I come on here to give and get advice. When I am asking for advice, that is all I am asking for.

 

Do you ever read something I typed saying 'OK, I'm looking for advice. Please don't put a comment down here if it's wrong. I only want the right way to deal with this..." No. Because in my eyes, everyone's opinon is valid, BUT like I said, doesn't make it right. I tend to take advice from people who don't push it. Like, it's not that hard to say "Well, I may be wrong, but that's just my opinion" instead of "Well, I know what I'mt alking about, no you're wrong, I'm right. Everything I say is right"

 

If you were in that situation, which advice would you take?

 

Sometimes it's nice for people to attack the issue, instead of the poster. Find a soluton, instead of critisizm. I know it's not always nice to hear the truth, and I'm guilty of often trying to block that out when I don't want to hear it. But there's a difference in blocking out the truth, and blocking out someone's uneccessary critical comments.

 

And hell, sometimes it's nice to be nice. I think it's great that you're not concerned about what other people think of you. But sometimes there a line that you shouldn't cross. I'm all for people saying what they think, but there's some things you should just keep un-said. I often just bite my tongue to avoid arguement.

 

Cos really, who wants arguements? I don't know, there may be some disturbed people out there who thrive on getting into an arguement...I'm sure both you and I aren't that type....

 

Please, just...I really couldn't be bothered anymore. Whatever issue you have with me, deal with it then move on. I am over what issues I have with you...time to move on...

[whichwayisup]

I can't help but be sus about it all. How would he feel if he had an older brother and I hung out with him when he wasn't around????

 

Is it possible because of your feelings for Rhys' bestfriend, you're reflecting some of your mistrust on him and feeling a tad guilty?

 

I know you have issues with your sis and him being friendly, and your sis seems to lap it up as she knows it upsets you so she does it MORE to piss you off. the thing is, he's told you he's not into her, so trust that. He isn't stupid! I mean, if he cheated on you with your own sister, don't you think your folks would GO after him? He's got alot to lose here...So, try to believe him and not worry that something is going on.

 

Also, he came to see you, you weren't there so he hung out with your sis to kill time.

 

IF you end up marrying him, these sorts of things can't be an issue. All of this stuff has to be solved.

[megnog]

touche is a douche. tess came on here looking for advice not some one sentence bull**** about GET OVER YOUR JEALOUSY. its not that easy. i think we all know that. anyway

 

try not to let it bother you. i know you've told me this before, worrying will get you nowhere so unless your considering breaking up with him, try to stop. it will only cause problems and wouldn't you just rather have fun in life than worry worry worry?? if more problems present themselves, then work on it from there. i'd say its a little F%cked up that he got her dinner and got her car wash. i'm not sure what his intention was.. so thats a bit shady.. but jokingly say "hey, you owe me dinner and a car wash babe" or something like that. i know you're good about putting in a joke when you feel uncomfortable

 

and if you think he secretly wants you to be more like her, why wouldn't he have gotten with her when he knew her and wasn't dating you?? i try to ask myself these questions when theres some girl that likes my bf that he knew before me. i try to remind myself that he never WANTED to date her so he didn't and now hes with me and thats that.

and so what if hes "not into fat chicks" (which btw is so mean but my boyfriend would say it that same way too) .. plenty of times i've been discouraged from how a person looks but when i get to know them, things change. he sees her as a friend, not as anything more. i hope you can believe that or try for a bit and see how you feel.

[Touche]

Uh...Touche' and douche dont rhyme. And you have violated the terms of this site by calling me a name. I've reported you.

 

As for you, Love, I have no problem with you at all! I just gave my advice. Nowhere did I said I cared if you took it or not. Take it or leave it..it's all the same to me. I expressed my thoughts that you were being jealous for no real reason. Sorry, I touched a nerve.

 

I understand how you feel though.

[FolderWife]

Your "instincts" told you that he was at your house with your sister....hmm...and they were right?...hmmm...

 

and what else are your instincts telling you?

[lovestruck234]

As for you, Love, I have no problem with you at all! I just gave my advice. Nowhere did I said I cared if you took it or not. Take it or leave it..it's all the same to me. I expressed my thoughts that you were being jealous for no real reason. Sorry, I touched a nerve.

 

I understand how you feel though.

 

 

It's all good. I'm so glad we're not bickering! I'm sorry if I've done anything to offend you in the past, as well.

[lovestruck234]

Well, now that I've had a bit of time to think and have taken in a bit of advice from my fellow LSer's...my instincts are a bit better now...

 

I shouldn't be so wound up in all of this jealousy. I do trust him, and I believe him now if he says that nothing's going on. I understand how annoying and frustrating it would be if say...I had a guy friend who I like to hang out with and he was always bugging me about it and no matter how many times I would try and convince him that we're just mates, he still wouldn't get it.

 

Actually, there are a couple of guys who I meet sometimes to go surfing with. They have been life-long buddies so we're all like brothers and sister...Rhys has never questioned me once about it and I have never thought about that until now. He clearly trusts me and knows I would never do anything to betray that...I;m sure it kills him sometimes if he thinks about it and he probably does get a tad jealous, but he never bugs me...

Maybe I should follow that. I need to stop being so selfish with my feelings and start to think about other people's feelings. Mainly Rhys'...

 

SOOOOOO, my conclusion....I plan to have a light word with him about it, apologise for being the way I am about it all, and promise to lay off. And I will...

 

Insecurity and jealousy are such horrible things to have, and it's a horrible feeling, not only on the person, but others around them.

 

I still have insecurity issues, and will always see my sister as prettier and all that...BUT now I know that Rhys is in this relationship cos he wants me. IME, boys don't hang around for too long if their not enjoying it or they don't want to be there....Rhys is smarter than that, and smarter than than to cheat on me with my own sister!!

 

So Im now on the road to striving to move on from it...

 

I'm too lucky to have a guy like him anyway, I just don't realise that sometimes. I should...more often. He loves me and I should appreciate that!!

 

So...for now, my jealousy is half-resolved, and it may come back again...but I'll try!!