Yeah...the "D" papers are ready...Am I?

[jonesgirly]

Yep, the lawyer called today and said the divorce papers are ready. I knew it would be this week sometime, I had just hoped maybe later in the week.

 

My H has recently started taking anti-D's......effexor. As I am ever the hopeful one, I can't help but wonder if he'd be 'better' in a year or two (or fifty).

 

He has still not come to terms with his own destructive decisions that have resulted in our marriage ending up at this point.

 

He continues to lie about things, even though I was practically "handed" the emails that he sent to his G/F indicating VERY contradictory answers.

 

I despise his lack of remorsefullness.

 

I despise the fact that he left this relationship to 'die' a natural death. Of course, that would absolve him of any REAL personal responsibility - HE didn't file, HE didn't want the divorce ! Of course, then again, he didn't want the MARRIAGE either!

 

I have talked to my mom (finally) about the situation. She was as shocked as I was in the beginning of his mess. Although I didn't disclose certain things (his arrest for DV), she knows the bulk of the story. She is extremely disappointed in him, as I am. I reminded her that I had 'hinted' to her a year ago that I thought he had an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker. She had assured me that he would "never do such a thing" to me. Although I wanted to believe that also, we both now know he's not built of the integrity he proclaimed to be.

 

<I think I left a dangling participal in that last sentence>

 

Sometimes I look at him and think "how could you? how could you wreck the only thing that could ever make a difference for you? how could you lie to everyone? why in the hell didn't you do ANYTHING to fix this? how many times did you look for 'assistance' instead of "pity"? how many times did you describe the situation without lying? how many times did you have to lie to your G/F about ME, in order to gain her sympathy? and WHY in the hell would you need the sympathy of poor white trash, instead of the loyalty and love you had with your wife??

 

SHE (the G/F) is not interested in him anymore. BUT that hasn't stopped him from trying. Apparently, the quest for male-validation will never end with this guy.

 

He wouldn't even know HOW to start rebuilding this mess. He's so wrapped up in self-pity its not funny. My mom wants to skin him alive! She is so angry at him for hurting her daughter, and I totally understand this emotion. He fooled her, just as he did me, my daughter, and all my friends.

 

What a spineless schmuck.

 

And a coward.

 

Too damned self-absorbed to even "get" what he's done, let alone claim any personal responsibility for his own actions.

 

His defense? Get angry! He doesn't have a CLUE how to read other people, yet assumes he's so very 'perceptive.' He assumes that he's so smart and 'in touch' with other people, he can't possibly "hear" anything another person says.

 

I guess I pick up the papers as soon as I can get to my lawyers office, and its just all formality after that. What a schmuck.

[whichwayisup]

You're doing the right thing. Even if his AD end up working, that means nothing.......He may never own up to his F-up's, ever.

 

I hope you can make your own closure because he ain't gonna give it to ya.

 

His loss, big time.......Not yours.

 

Hang in there, I know he's a big Schmuck, but I know too, you do love him, you'll probably always love him in your heart - Just not enough to stay and be married to him.

[jonesgirly]

yeah, WWIU, you're right - I will always love him in my heart. I've even told him that I will always love and care for him, no matter what. I've know him since I was twelve years old! Maybe that's what allowed him to be such a schmuck.

 

He just never "got" that the other part of that statement was that "I may not be able to live with you, as your wife."

 

He will NEVER man-up to his f*ck-ups.

 

And even though he knew that I felt soul-scorching pain from his EA (PA?) with his G/F in the summer of 2005, he STILL chose to carry on with it during the summer of 2006. How important can my feelings be to this monster?

 

Rhetorical question, I know they're not. Some people just don't have the capability to see outside themselves.

 

I guess I just need to remain strong, knowing that its now just a matter of time. I can't help but be hopeful that I will find a co-pilot who will have both their own and my best interest in mind. I'm tired of partnering up with a self-centered amoeba.

 

I will be okay. I know that because I've already detached myself from 'him' quite a lot.

 

What a schmuck.

[justice]

Big huge hugs!!! Remember to breathe. You'll get through this, you are strong!!!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi JG!

 

I just saw your post - and I am so sad to hear the bitterness and sadness in your voice.

 

You must be going through HELL right now. {{HUGS}}

 

Boy, your H sure sounds like a classical narcissist. Even to the end, he will not own up to his goof-ups, so classical!

 

JG, please know that you did not lose a H - he lost you. He was probably gone much, much earlier than you could have ever imagined. The affair was what brought it to light to YOU - but this is really not problem, I'd venture.

 

This past summer, I was going through alot in my marriage as well. I thought that my H was a narcissist as well - due to his inability to empathize with other people's feelings/situations; his inflated sense of entitlement; and self-centeredness. However, when I brought up divorce to him and I distanced myself from him, he turned around pretty quickly. He was the one who suggested MC and he is the the who enjoys these sessions. I truly hope that he is paying attention to the counselor. Nonetheless, he is TRYING to improve his bad behaviors and self-centeredness. I am having hope again that our M will sail through this.

 

From your descriptions of your H, he really doesn't seem to be putting on any efforts - as if he doesn't believe that you'd leave him! Is he good looking? Does he work out and tries to look his best every day? Narcissists are like that (duh!).

 

Well, from what I know about Ns, they do not change and the best way to deal with them is to get as far away from them as possible before they destroy all your remaining self-esteem.

 

I wish you the best of luck. It will be tough. And you do sound very strong. Are you still going to IC? THat would definitely help as you are going through a D.

[No Way]

Its almost like there is a handbook for these men. Mine has absolutely no idea how is odd selfish and crule actions have devistated me and his 3 girls. He feels no remorse at all. He feels so sad he cant be with the girls when he is bored and thats about the only emotion I see. Its about him and his loneyness.

 

These man all believe they are victoms of their circumstances. Mine went so far as to say,"Anyone would have done what I did" Thats as close as I ever came to any acknowlagement of events eventhough I cought him right at the place.

 

He has been in my home dispite the fact I call as I am comming home and he needs to wrap up his visit with the girls. What is this? I thought for a moment he wants to have contact with me. But I believe he is so far from the reality of our situation that he wants to behave as if nothing ever happened. He wants to have his way again. Whare I am in the dark about his activities and he still gets to look like a nice boy.

 

As he was leaving my house tonight, I said "Now go find whatever it was I was keeping you from having." Go have the time of your life. "Do you have anything to say?" He says " Nope. I gota get home"

Thats it. Nothing. I hate to admit I wish there was something. Even if I could never be with him again at least I want to know ....... I want to know..... What do I want to know???? My life wasnt totally waisted? I wasn't completely wrong....I ment a little something to someone who ment alot to me. I think thats it.

 

I have to face he has been devoid of emotions for longer than I realised. Compartmentaliseing is a bull*it term. They are missing something vital. Something normal loveing people cannot understand. God I feel duped. I was afraid this is the man who was lurking under that good boy persona he guarded so well. I have to face I never had a love in him. Just what looked like a good thing to his friends. 16 Years. I had children with the wrong man.

[Mz. Pixie]

Good luck JG. It's about time you start moving on.

[LakesideDream]

It's nice and feels good to say "I'll always love him/her" I just can't live with them... it isn't true though. In time you won't love them anymore. You won't want to see them (even casually) will dread being forced to by childrens events. That's the way it is, and believe me, it's something to look forward to. When it happens you will know you are finally free.

[jonesgirly]

you won't love them anymore

I don't know Lakeside...I have an extra-large capacity for loving in my heart. My daughters father - we haven't been together for over 18 years, but I still care about him, and probably always will! I even "fixed him up" with one of my best friends from HS, and they're now living together! I can honestly say he has probably been one of the only 'constants' in my life (probably due to our daughter), and truly does care a great deal about my personal well-being. I appreciate that in him, and hope I have been deserving of such a long-term friendship.

 

I do know what you mean though - "indifference", as opposed to "hate" really IS the opposite of "love".

 

I never, ever, thought I'd feel indifference towards my H, but I have 'felt' it several times over the last year and a half. I guess when you go through the pain and hurt of betrayal, without ever getting so much as a bandaid from the one who gave it to you, well, I guess you just "work up" to indifference after a while.

 

I may not always "love" my H, but I know that I will always care about him. Even now, I tend to excuse some of his crappy treatment just 'because' of who he is. Geez....the only word that pops in my head now is 'doormat.'

 

Good luck JG. It's about time you start moving on.

Thanks Ms.P....its been a long and exhausting road, and I never really wanted to find myself 'here.' I was so damned tired today I couldn't even muster the energy to go get the D papers after work. I didn't feel like facing the traffic, and knew I'd need to be a little bit stronger emotionally just to even 'see' them.

 

I am so sad to hear the bitterness and sadness in your voice

Me too. I hope I don't end up as a bitter, old, spinster woman! Nah..won't happen with me! I DO waver back and forth between angry and sad though. I guess I can't be angry for my H being the 'type' of person that HE is, when I expected him to understand the 'type' of person "I" am. BUT...from all that I've read and heard, I'm really NOT any different from other BS's, he just didn't seem to be able to figure what to do (a.k.a. "I don't care"). Its great that your husband stepped up when you got to the point I have reached. I WISH he had spent five freakin seconds trying to actually figure out what to do, but, no such luck. He isn't a Calvin Klein underwear model, but for me, he was just perfect. He doesn't work-out, but is extremely obsessive and critical of his own appearance (almost like women are). He's packed on some poundage since all this 'stuff' has happened, and is pretty depressed about it. Of course, I lost weight (yippee), and have to FORCE myself to eat everyday in order to not have to buy a whole new wardrobe! He maintains all of the other personality traits of N's though....completely void of empathy, and unable to accept any kind of personal responsibility for the negative events he orchestrated. He'll "say" he's sorry, but is really only sorry for getting busted (twice). We ALL know that actions speak louder than words, well, everyone knows that EXCEPT him!

 

 

Thanks for the hugs, and I'm trying to keep breathing. {{hugs}} back atcha for your own situation!

 

 

God I feel duped.

Oh, I know that feeling well. I said in an earlier post that I felt that I should be entitled to charge him with some kind of fraud! I had even considered an annulment because of it....but it would take too long. They ARE professional victims, and unable to DO anything to 'right a wrong' !!! Its maddening, but very easy to NOT want to be around! Its difficult to feel like you 'never really mattered to them.' And in MY situation, I DID matter, at least when I thought that he was "perfect" - and because he didn't feel "adored", he actively sought it (that feeling) from another.

 

When reality sets in, and the day-to-day drudgery of 'real life' smacks us in the face, its almost impossible to maintain the adoration of that intial infatuation. I'm sure your husband has 'love' for you inside of his heart - it just may not be the healthy mature love that is kind, considerate and compassionate, as well as long-lasting. Sometimes it seems like these kinds of people are 'in love' with being loved by someone, and they almost appear that they feel entitled to it!

 

I don't know, I guess I just reached a point where 'figuring out' what's going on with HIM became less of a priority that focusing on myself. I can't even believe I would allow such disrespectful treatment! A man who has absolutely no respect for others will never in a zillion years respect his wife either! How blind could I have been??

 

My H also wanted to appear to be a man of great integrity, honesty and intelligence. He just forgot that all of those beliefs are a way of life, not a 'goal.' Its easy to be respectful, honest, and to have integrity. I have all of those things, and have never ONCE felt compelled to TELL anyone that I did!

 

Thanks for posting everyone. I appreciate all comments and look forward to more.

[FlyingHigh]

JG,

You're on your way. This is the the hardest step to make. But you'll be fine.

 

It wasn't too long ago when I was in your shoes. Tho' no kids, the impact of divorce is just the same. My XHTB is just as narcisstic as yours. I just decided one day that enough was enough and it was time to move on. In fact, you replied on my post (different name) and you noted that you wished you were like me...strong. You are strong! What you're doing requires every ounce of strength. You will continue to grow. Trust in yourself.

 

Former First Lady Nancy Reagan was once quoted:

A woman is like a tea bag. She never knows her strength until she's poured in hot water.