Extremely long, my story

[Princess112]

I had been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and 7 months. But our relationship has been rocky throughout. We have broken up and come back together numerous times, because I have always felt something isn't right. I was his second girlfriend, but he did nothing with his first (it was one of those "we're just putting the title because we're still 13 and don't know exactly what it takes to be a couple").

 

I have had 2 relationships prior to this one, and I knew exactly what I wanted. I fell in love with him, and I lost myself within. His unstableness made me feel very fragile, very insecure.

 

He would constantly tell me that he wanted to explore other things... because he considered me his first girlfriend and he hadn't had a chance to be with anyone else. And with those words I would break up with him, but the break up would only last 2 weeks at most. I'd tell myself I'd let him venture out, and sort out his feelings to see if he really loved me... but I never gave it enough time. I never went begging to him.. after each and every break up, HE would be the one to come to ME, with flowers and chocolates, teddy bears, music, poems, the works, apologizing for his immaturity and telling me he loved me. And my heart would melt and I would be stupid enough to take him back. But the story continued repeating itself.

 

I became an extremely jealous girl, and his "jokes" would make me feel worse. He was once at the airport with his sister, and I was on the phone, and he told his sister that he had cheated on my with XXXXX, a friend from school. He made my stomach sink, and he picked up the phone laughing, while i was crying. He did those sort of things constantly. "Jokingly" say he would be doing this and that with X girl and X girl. And at the end of every phrase, he'd say "i'm just kidding," but the damage would be done.

 

One of my "best friends" had moved away, to another state, and I hadn't seen her in slightly more than a year. My boyfriend found out she was coming down and he decided to "surprise" me, he picked her up from the airport and took her to my school. When I came out to break he was there, and she was in his car. Instead of getting happy to see her though, I got that stomach sinking feeling again, but I pretended to be happy to see her. And I smiled and laughed and we hugged and I tried to make my eyes wide with surprise, and it was all good. But I didn't like the fact that he was with her. Throughout her time here, she would then start continuously calling, but calling HIM, instead of me, under the excuse that I never picked up my phone (which was true), so she'd contact him to contact me. But I didn't like it one bit. Some would say I was a bad friend, and I agree to some extent, I've never been a good friend to people, if they're away from me for a certain amount of time I'll just move on, and I never make contact with them unless they do so. So I was a little blah about her coming down.

 

It was a trio of friends, let's call them Clara, Dona, and me. Clara, and Dona had been best friends since elementary school. And I met Clara in 6th grade, but didn't get to best friend status with her. I met Dona in 8th grade though, and we became friends. She then introduced me to Clara, whom I already knew, and we would hang out together. I realize now that Clara's presence has always made me uneasy. But I pretended to love her and miss her for Dona's sake. So highschool time came around and all three of us went to different schools. And hence the drifting away began. I spent more time with my first boyfriend, and would only occassionaly contact Dona, sometimes go out with her on weekends with her family. But I rarely spent time with Clara. And so my relationship with my first boyfriend ended, and in that lapse between boyfriends, I would spend more time with Clara, occassionaly both Clara and Dona. My parents never liked any of them... and I would use that to my advantage, to excuse myself out of being with them. Yes, I was a bad friend, I was a fake friend too. After I got my second boyfriend, our friendship drifted even further. Then Clara moved more than 3,000 miles away, and I only spoke to her through random instant messages. Dona switched to another highschool, and got her first boyfriend, a person she's still with, I believe. After Dona started dating, we rarely saw each other ever again. I suppose one reason why I didn't make an effort to continue our friendship was because of how quickly they were changing... Clara especially began doing drugs, smoking, getting tatoos and piercings all over, and being promiscuous. I didn't like what they were becoming, and in the few times Clara came down here, all she would do was drink.

 

So when she and my boyfriend became friends, I was wary. There was a time when my boyfriend went bowling with her and some other friends, and didn't care that I couldn't go. My jealousy showed throughout. At some point in time, I found out through another friend that Clara and my boyfriend were engaging in "playful sexual banter", such as my boyfriend asking Clara to show him her breasts through the webcam. I immediately confronted my boyfriend, broke up with him that time, and cut off all communication with Clara, because a friend would have told me what was going on. Instead, I had to find out through someone else.

 

At another time, I retrieved my boyfriend's passwords to his MySpace account, and several of his emails, and found out that he had been sending emails asking girls from adultfriendfinder to send him pictures and whatnot. Or telling friends how <i>hot</i> they were, things like that. It was behavior that I didn't want to tolerate, and another fight came from that.

 

At some point my boyfriend started a band, and his singer was a drug addict. I was OK, as long as nobody else got involved in it. But they did... and the guitarist and my boyfriend wanted to start with the drugs. It went on once in my presence, and I cried the whole time. Then I asked him never to do it again, that they were dangerous to his health and well-being. But he didn't listen to me... he started going behind my back and was smoking. Even one of his friends wanted to start growing substances in his house.. my boyfriend's mother called me one day asking me if he was with me.. and I told her no.. I contacted everyone I knew, until my boyfriend finally responded to my text messages, and said he was home. I asked him to call me and he responded with bogus excuses that he didn't call me because he had put his phone down and decided to go get some food, late at night. And all the time that he was messaging me, his mother was on the line crying. It was the last straw, seeing his blatant lies to me. All the while I had begged his friends to help me get him out of the situation, to not offer any drugs to him, to not engage in the activity in his presence, to talk to him, to help me help him. But nobody listened... His parents had just come back from a trip to another country, after being gone for about 3 weeks. I couldn't wait any longer, for then he would have grown an addiction, and I went to his house and spoke with his parents up front. I told them everything that was going on, prepared to have my boyfriend dump me and hate me for the rest of his life, never wanting to see me again. The three of us confronted him and he went into an tantrum, punching himself, just hurting himself all over. He was very angry with me for "betraying" him, stooping so low. He didn't understand I did it because I loved him and I couldn't watch him waste himself any longer. He didn't break up with me though... instead he got very depressed that day and screamed at me for a while, but towards the night he hugged me and told me he loved me. But that he'd lost all his trust in me. His parents cut off all communication with the friends he'd had, and that made him feel worse, because to him, he was losing all his friends. And of course, his friends (especially the one that wanted to grow drugs in his house, George) hated me, and never wanted to speak to me again. But I accomplished what I wanted, to stop him from doing drugs, and if I had to do it all again, I would. I don't regret ever telling his parents.

 

As a drummer/pianist/music engineer/producer, my boyfriend has a lot of contact with girls, and he's VERY amicable. (-.-) I hated him flirting with all the girls, especially those in his school. (We go to different universities) There is one girl in particular that I loathe, she's a singer/dancer, and as a producer, he wanted to record her, write songs for her. I know she likes him, and she's always hated me as well. Everytime I'd see her, she'd roll her eyes and just go away, and I'd just scoff off her immaturity and hug my boyfriend tighter. I barely saw her and I didn't know why i just HATED her. My boyfriend would tell me also that he hated her, and that he hated having to deal with her in school. But he wanted to take advantage of her voice, and record a song he'd written. I'm not much of a singer :-\

 

A month and a half ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. He broke up with me this time, saying he needed to sort out his feelings, and that he had spoken to some girl online, an old neighbor friend of his, and that they just clicked. He called me his safety net, that I was always there to catch him and that whenever things didn't go well with someone else, he'd just come to me. He said he wasn't truely happy with me, and that the reasons he had for being with me were not valid: That I would make an excellent wife and mother. That he was bored with me and felt he could be happy with someone else.

 

Needless to say, I was heartbroken, and I cried my eyes out. I was online few days later and his best friend was speaking with me (we've been friends since before I met ANY of my boyfriends). I needed to know everything and just get my boyfriend out of my mind, and I asked him to tell me everything... everything that had happened. After much reluctance and much begging on my part, he told me my boyfriend had cheated on me. That he had an ongoing affair with the ballet dancer that I loathed. According to him, my boyfriend had told her he was single.. and his MySpace profile only said he was married because he was "married to his music." And that he had jokingly asked her to marry him. That he took away her virginity.. He told me my boyfriend had sent nude pictures of me, and of himself. (The person he had sent it to immediately sent them to ME, I suppose she found out my contact information through MySpace, and told me "this is the ******* you're dating." When I got that message from her, I went numb all over, and confronted my boyfriend, but he had told me that he had sent some pictures of us together to her, and since his pictures were on Photobucket sequentially labeled 1, 2, 3, 4, and so forth, that she must have guessed the names of the other pictures and found those, and that she wanted to ruin our relationship. I logged on to his Photobucket and saw the naming of the pictures, that they were true.. but I was upset because I didn't understand why he would even have pictures like those online to begin with. I told him how betrayed and disrespected I felt, but he managed to coax me and convince me to stay in the relationship.I tried my best to believe him, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.) The fact that his friend knew about these pictures really bothered me, and I was really angry the whole night. His friend also confessed to me that he had kissed several other girls, had sex with another girl there, and that he had even had sex with Clara, my ex-best friend. I felt so sick to my stomach, and I threw up all night. After that day, I've been having nightmares regarding the whole issue, especially of images of him and the ballet-dancer. The matter had been eating me alive, but I had promised my friend that I wouldn't tell my boyfriend. Or ex, rather. Instead, I tried to find ways of getting him to confess, but he always denied denied denied everything, and told me he loved me and that he wanted to get back with me, that he's been very stupid and he realizes that I'm the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I became obsessive, I logged into his cellular phone account, and started monitoring his phone calls and text messages. I went through all his archives and noticed he had been incessantly sending messages to a girl he'd met on a plane. I did a reverse phone number search on a lot of the numbers I didn't recognize, and found out the address of the ballet dancer, along with that of a lot of other girls.

 

Over the next days, I wouldn't rest, and everytime I'd go out, I would pass by all of their houses and see if my boyfriend's car was there. I never saw his car there, and I'd noticed that he hadn't had any sort of communication with these people for over 2 months. Also, his friend started acting differently, and showing what I still see as jealousy, of my boyfriend and his well-being, the easiness of his life, and how quickly everyone he meets adore him. I began telling myself that maybe he had told me all of that out of pure spite, to ruin one aspect of his life, and I believed it to some point. My boyfriend never stopped telling me how much he loved me and continuously asked me to go back. But a month had passed and we simply remained friends, with a few kisses he'd steal from me. I loved his touch, his warmth, I loved being around him, and I couldn't let him go. I began considering returning to him, but I couldn't get what his friend had told me. I'd found nothing to coincide with what he said but even so, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

 

I decided to tell my boyfriend about it all, because even if it were false, he should know his supposed bestfriend was talking very badly of him. So Friday morning, I sent him a message while in class telling him I wanted to speak to him in person, that it was important. He pleaded to tell him then, but I said no, that it had to be in person. I wanted to see his reaction to what I told him. So that night, at around 2 am, after he got out of work, he passed by my house and I sat in his car, and told him his friend told me he had cheated on me with the ballet dancer and several other girls. He became very angry and said he needed to go, that he was going to go crazy if I remained there, that he needed to be alone. I got out of his car and he left to go to another friend's house (another mutual friend, that I've known for longer than anyone else I know). This friend already knew that his best friend had told me everything, and apparently, he advised him to be honest with me. So my boyfriend came back to my house, it was 3 am by this time, and told me that everything his best friend had told me was true.. and that he couldn't bear to lie to me any longer. But that he loved me and that he'd made the stupidest mistakes ever, and that he regretted it deeply.

 

I don't understand how someone can make the same mistake over and over again, nor how a person can even HURT someone they supposedly care for this much. I wasn't as upset about it though as I was when I first found out. In a way, it was sort of a relief, because the doubt was killing me. But I felt bad, and I dreaded the next day.

 

I work with him :-\ His mother is the owner of a store, and I work there alongside him on Saturdays only. I go to school every other day, I'm studying to become a doctor, and it's extremely time consuming. At this store, I handle all the finances, I'm the only one that knows how use their particular financial program. I'm also a salesperson, and aside from getting paid for being the "accountant," I also get paid commission from what is sold that day, and to be honest, I make excellent money, as if I'd spent the whole week working 40 hours, when in reality I only worked 6. He gets paid commission as well, and only works on Saturdays there as well (the other days, he works with his music, producing songs, charging people to record them, he makes very good music, and I'm sure if he keeps at it, he'll be very successful. He's already worked on the albums of several very famous artists). The money he makes at the store is rather insignificant compared to the amount of money he makes producing, but he continues to go there. I suppose it's more because it's not the best neighborhood in the world, and neither he nor his mom want to leave me working alone. So going to work this Saturday was really hard for me. I was prepared to update all the finances and teach him how to use the program, so that I wouldn't have to go to work there anymore. I gathered all the information I needed and started working with the program. But shortly after we opened the store, his parents came in, and they began complaining, because they saw that my boyfriend hadn't done anything they'd ask him to (i.e, fix a problem with the computers, and tweak something in the cameras). He wasn't feeling very well either. They began arguing, and his parents were saying how they were contemplating moving away, because everything was always a problem, they despised the indifference my boyfriend showed towards them, and they didn't understand what was wrong with him. They left the store very upset, and I couldn't bare to tell his mother that I was quitting. He became severely depressed and was crying and I hugged him.. :-\ He told me how much he regretted what he did, that he loved me with all his heart.

 

His mother called later on and asked me to please go to the house.. and so I did. When we closed the store, we both headed to his house.. and I ended up confessing to his mother that he had cheated me, and that I'd found out through his best friend. I didn't get the reaction I expected, instead they ranted on what a bad friend that boy had been and whatnot. I needed to get out of there, while my boyfriend worked on recording some other people (he built a studio in his home), I focused on helping his sister. We washed her car, then mine, and decided to go out to get something to eat and go to the movies (I have a good relationship with everyone in his family..) So we did and at some point I ended up receiving a call from my boyfriend and I invited him to go to the movies with us (stupidly). He insisted that we watch "Last Kiss." I had seen the movie trailer and I imagine I knew in what direction he was headed, that he wanted me to see that even though the man had cheated on his significant other, he still loved her. We agreed to watch the movie, but throughout the movie I became very sick to my stomach and in several scenes I started crying.. because I couldn't help but imagine him doing those things with all those girls.. it wasn't a very good idea. Besides, I didn't like the ending of the movie.

 

Anyway, yesterday I didn't want to talk to him at all, I didn't want to see him, I wanted to be alone. My parents got into an argument with me because I hadn't cleaned my room (i'd torn it apart in my rage).. I honestly didn't want to put up with their screaming with all I was going through... you'd think they'd notice something is wrong with me, but they don't. They still don't know that we're not even dating any longer. Whatever. I didn't leave my room all day yesterday. My boyfriend however refused to remain without contacting me, I wouldn't answer his calls nor his text messages... he came over to my house, my father let him in, and he remained at my bedroom door for quite some time. I ended losing the battle because I needed to go to the bathroom... and so he grabbed me and made me stay at the living room and just BE THERE. I remained away from him and just sat there watching television. But he'd bought me flowers and the works the night before. Today he came over to my house again and bought me food, watched me eat lunch... and continues sending me messages all day long, messages that I won't respond to. HE WONT GO AWAY. And I have to admit, I enjoy having him "chase" me. I enjoy knowing that he has to make an effort to try to "win me back." But right now I don't know what I want, whether I should give him a chance or not. I've been through A LOT with him, good and bad.

 

I suppose I'm just going to wait, see how things work out, and if he's truly sorry for all he's done, if he's truly willing to change his behavior. See if he really loves me.

 

I'm sorry for making this post so long... I needed to vent, gather all my thoughts together, and think about everything that's happened.

[Guest]

Girl, get away

now

 

are you stupid?