Struggilng with wife's past after 14 years (!)

[37andConfused]

Yes, I realize how stupid that sounds, but I am struggling with this nevertheless.

 

I"ll keep this short. I've been with my wife for 14 years and married for 11 years. We have 3 kids - 8,7 and 3.

 

During the year before our our relationship started, she was carrying on a sex-only relationship with her ex-boyfriend. She used to date him previously, broke up, and then went back to him just for sex right before she met me.

 

The reason i found this out was the phone rang at 1 AM on our second date together. She hung up on him but later told me that he used to call for phone sex once in a while in the middle of the night.

 

Initially i was bothered by this, but swept it under the rug for a few years. I never actually resolved those feelings over the years, but never really thought about it either. Now all of a sudden i am beginning to really resent her for doing this before she met me.

 

I am having a tough time reconciling to the fact that the woman to whom I have given everything and built a life with, actually gave herself away for nothing. She is a nice person and we have no major issues between us except for this one. I tried talking to her. She feels bad, but she says that she feels fully justified doing it.

 

I'm also struggling a bit with the fact that she's white and the ex-bf was black. I am not racist, but I feel that a sex-only interracial relationship is usually about power (black man vs subservient white woman). I am not able to see my wife in her present form anymore - i can only see the fact that she gave herself away completely without getting anything in return.

 

I know I need to get past this primarily because we have 3 small children. But How?

 

thank you all...

[nancyleeh]

I was a virgin when I married my husband but he was not and at first it didn't bother me either but after years went by, I began to resent the fact that I did not have sexual experinences before we married and began to wonder what I had missed out on by not experimenting before getting married. I have no idea if you were a virgin when you married your wife or not but if you were, is it possible that your resentment does not stem from what she did before you hooked up with her but because you did not have the same experiences before marriage? If you did have sexual relationships with other women before your marriage, perhaps you are not as happy with your life as you think and wish you had the opportunity to explore. Of course this is all speculation but otherwise, I can't imagine why you would have such a change of heart after all these years. Well, what ever the case, it sounds like it is not about what she did years ago that is bugging you. It is about you, and maybe you need to examine your real motives for why you feel resentful and find the reason you are blaming her past for your present feelings.

 

nancyleeh

[blind_otter]

google: retroactive jealousy

 

This is your problem, you are aware of it, there's nothing you can do but challenge your thinking, get to the root of the problem so to speak -- the reasons you initially give yourself are usually not the real reason for the issue.

 

For example, you feel a sex-only interracial relationship is always based on power -- that's your opinion, but hardly the reality. Some people don't define race that way, not everyone thinks like you do, and just because you believe it does NOT make it "ultimate truth". So you need to confront your illogical thinking. You may need the help of a counselor to do this.

 

Good luck.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I know I need to get past this primarily because we have 3 small children. But How?

 

Easier said than done, I know. But you can help yourself get past this by realizing that neither one of you are the same person you were fourteen years ago. With any luck, we all continue to grow and change. It's the natural progression of things. And if during the past fourteen years, you have managed to continue growing together in the same direction to the benefit of your relationship … than the people you were back then hardly matter when it comes to your lives, now.

 

Besides, it isn't at all unusual at the beginning of any relationship for people to feel somewhat hesitant about changing their lives so drastically (or dumping their emotional safety nets) for someone they hardly know, yet. Particularly when you're uncertain of what the future holds. And it isn't at all unusual in the beginning for one person to feel more hopeful or more "into" the relationship than the other. It's time and familiarity that usually balances things out.

 

Your wife obviously found you worth giving up her previous ex for and obviously worth changing her life for. To the point where she has remained consistently devoted to your marriage for the past fourteen years. You won, Romeo … hands down! So don't continue to torture yourself by competing or comparing yourself to that past memory.

[norajane]

gave herself away for nothing.

 

sex-only interracial relationship is usually about power (black man vs subservient white woman).

 

These are the two thoughts you really need to challenge your thinking on. A woman choosing to have a sex-only relationship, isn't giving herself away - she's getting something out of it or she wouldn't be doing it in the first place. Perhaps he was a wonderful lover and gave her many orgasms and she preferred to get them from him than a bad boyfriend or bad one night stands she couldn't trust? Does it bother you to think of her choosing to have sex rather than wait for "the one"?

 

Where does your belief that interracial sex is about dominance and submission come from? Porn? Racist stereotypes? Do you know anyone in such a relationship and have they conveyed this message to you? Get to the source of your belief and you'll find that it's not based on truth or reality.

 

Finally, making judgments about your wife based on something she did 14 years ago is a foolish choice on your part anyway, even if there was any validity to your judgments (which there really isn't). You have 14 years of life with her to see who she really is and that's what should be paramount. Consider how lucky you are to be with her, and seek counseling if you can't come around to thinking that way on your own.

[37andConfused]

I have no idea if you were a virgin when you married your wife or not but if you were, is it possible that your resentment does not stem from what she did before you hooked up with her but because you did not have the same experiences before marriage?

nancyleeh

 

Yes, I was a virgin when i met my wife. I've thought about this too and i am pretty sure this is a big part of it.

[IzzyisDizzy001]

I'm also struggling a bit with the fact that she's white and the ex-bf was black. I am not racist, but I feel that a sex-only interracial relationship is usually about power (black man vs subservient white woman).

 

You may state you are not racist but I have to tell you, you are sterotyping people and sexual relationships based upon the color of their skin and that is being racist. As a white woman married to a black man, and who has dated black men in the past as well as other races (and yes some of them were simply friends with benefits) I think you are totally off base. You really have no logical basis to come to such a conclusion other than your own skewed perception of other races.

 

Also your wife didn't give herself away for nothing.... She did get something out of it, otherwise she wouldn't of been doing it. No strings attached sex is about pleasure. Women enjoy sex just as much as men do and it's perfectly healthy for a woman to enjoy her sexuality. Would you have used the same term for a man who did the same things as your wife? I highly doubt it. No need for a double standard, one standard will do just fine.