Update Again..need Input

[fjk82]

Please read all my old posts. I dont know how to write in the ones I already have in here so Im sorry..But Im desperate for input right now..Please read my other stuff. Well I sent him an email Saturday telling him that I am coming and saying I will be there on the 27th(next week) and to please meet me at this one place by his house bc I felt it would be wrong of me to show up at his house ya know? Well I also said he didn't need to write me back or anything and to just know that I will be there..

 

He read the email Monday Morning and as of right now he has not written back so thats a good thing...Right? Im so afraid to check my email all day because Im scared that he will write me back and tell me not to come or if I dont hear back from him and I fly up to PA and also drive the 3hours to his town and he doesnt show up. I need this man back n my life..I have learned so much you guys...I really really have..But how do I show him this and repair the hurt and pain I have put him thru. He loved me so so much and I hate myself..I need help..I need him back...We have never broken up before...In 4 yrs...Im prayin to god he will see me next week..

[D-Lish]

I would treat this as your last attempt at reconciling.

If he shows up, say what you need to say, tell him how you feel- and then go away and let him think about it. Be honest, and be sincere.

Don't tell him you've "changed"- you have to show him, and you can only do that if he decides to give you another chance.

 

You do realize that you could be setting yourself up for heartbreak.... if he doesn't show, he's telling you it's over. If that's the case, you MUST walk away and move on. Don't contact him or go to his house to find him. Forcing this meeting will only push him further away.

 

You just have to say what you have to say if he does meet you and then go away and let him think about it. Then you have to wait for him to contact you... or be prepared that he might not contact you again.

 

I've made mistakes in my past relationships- I've walked away from great guys, from bad guys... and I've been crappy to good guys too. But I try to learn from my mistakes.

 

If he doesn't want to be with you again- it will hurt, and it will take time to heal, but you have to begin that process if he chooses not to respond to you asking to get back together.

 

Good luck.

D

[Heart66]

I agree with D-Lish. Thats a big risk. U are setting yourself up for a possible disappointment. But, then again...If you don't try, you'll never know the truth, and will always be left wondering.

 

Again, I agree with D-Lish--If he shows, state your case and then give him the time and space needed to allow him to think about it. Begging and forcing will indeed turn him off and push him further away.

 

Good luck. Try to think of it of "Expect the worse...and hope for the best." That way you will be a bit prepared for EITHER outcome.

[FolderWife]

There is no harm in trying. If you would stop being so pushy, and give him a chance to miss you a little bit, he might be relieved to hear from you.

 

when I sold cars, I would get a call from a customer asking me to drop the price $500. I would RUN to my manager and ask them. they would approve it, so I would RUN and call my customer right back. when I agreed to the customer's request to drop the price $500, they would then ask me to throw in a bedliner. So I would RUN to the manager and ask, the manager would say OK, then I would RUN and call my customer back and tell them they would get a bedliner, then they would ask for floor mats.

 

and I lost a huge chunk of comission.

 

I was whining to a fellow salesman about this, and he said that I was too eager to please.

 

I thought people wanted a helpful salesman...the truth is, they do, but it's in the salesman's best interest to not be so accessable...otherwise, the people will have to easier time asking for more.

 

So I stopped calling my customers back right away, and my initial response always became no.

 

Customers stopped asking for so much, and I made more money.

 

So when he emails you, don't respond. At least wait two weeks to respond. Then don't even bother to say, "Sorry I took so long to respond, I was busy...bla bla bla" just write back.

 

As for what everyone else is saying about being so pushy, my ex boyfriend's ex girlfriend cheated on him, then got a restraining order against him. Then she would call cussing him out every time she got drunk.

 

Then I came into the picture. He LOVED me, but she would call all the time. Finally, he went to see her to say "goodbye" and I found out and threw a fit and didn't talk to him for a week.

 

In that week, he turned to her for comfort, and before I knew it, they were back together.

 

Because she was so pushy.

 

I left my husband who was mean to me and abused porn for YEARS. I expected he would be too proud to ask me to come home.

 

but he begged me to come home. At first, I ignored his calls, but then I started trying to console him (I didn't want to hurt him) and then I agreed to meet him, since he begged me to, and before I knew it, I wanted him back, and we got back together.

 

But he was remorseful when I would talk to him. So it gave me relief. I didn't leave him to fix our marriage, I left him to be rid of him! My logic was why bother trying to work on a relationship with someone that has already failed? Why bother trying to build on something that is already bad? Why don't we both just start fresh with a relationship without baggage...with someone else.

 

If he had you for four years, and this is your first break up, and you want him back, but he's not going back, then you aren't doing something right. Every ex I ever had went RUNNING back to their long time girlfriend once the rebounding ended.

 

So if you've begged him to take you back, and he hasn't, and you've let him know that you still want him, and he hasn't taken you back, then you aren't doing something right.

 

He still talks to you, so he still feels something.

 

I am trying to remember what the psycho exes of my exes did. They pushed and pushed until the guy saw them, and when the guy saw them, they realized they still felt something, and went back to them.

 

But here's the question...if that's all the girls did, WHY DIDN'T IT EVER WORK FOR ME!?!?!?

 

I guess because my relationships only lasted a few months.

[FolderWife]

If being pushy doesn't work, try being not so available so he'll miss you. I just remembered that one of my ex's pushy ex backed off for a couple of weeks. Then, when he saw her out in public, they were cordial, and she was all nicey nice and invited him to dinner.

 

So once the pushy doesn't work, back off a bit. Then, be nicey nice, to get your foot in the door, and then suddenly he'll want you back.

 

Or not...but at least you will have tried.

 

as for whether or not to see him, you don't need to be so dramatic as, "you don't have to tell me that you're coming or not..."

 

Puhlease. You are just so afraid that he'll say he doesn't want to see you, that you would rather hear nothing than no!

 

Call him. Call him until you talk to him. Tell him, "Look, I am going to be in town for a few days. I want to see you. I want to tell you goodbye face to face, I owe you that. Let's schedule a time for you to meet me that's convenient for you.

 

If he says he's not ready to see you, that's good...he is still hurting, which means he still cares...because if he didn't care, he wouldn't hurt.

 

If he says ok, go talk to him, apologize profusely, and then hug him when you leave and cry.

 

don't try to get him back at dinner, that won't work. Cry, and let him know that you miss him, but let him THINK that you accept that it's over. Even though what you are really doing is tricking him into thinking that you agree that it's over. What you are really doing is giving him permission to be your friend.

 

See, if he thinks it's over, but you think it's not, then you can't be friends, because then he'll always have to turn you down. BUT, if you both agree that it's over, then you can be friends, because you both agreed. When you become "friends" he will be more comfortable with you, and will let his guard down, and then BOOM, will realize he still loves you (which he does) and he'll want you back.

 

Then you can slowly manipulate him by playing hard to get. when he emails, wait a couple of days to respond. when he calls, don't answer. Hearing his voice will make you miss him more...but if you don't answer the phone, he will think that you are moving on...which will scare him into realizing that HE'S making a mistake. If you answer the phone, he has control. If you don't, you do.

 

You thought you didn't need him until you didn't have him, right? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE WON'T DO THE SAME THING!?!?!?!?!

[fjk82]

Thank you all so far for the input..

 

FOLDERWIFE-----When we 1st broke up easter weekend I was callinghim NON STOP..Leaving cryin voicemails etc..He was answering sometimes at first but would only talk for 1minute and telling me he doesnt see himself being with me every again...I hurt him so so bad..I made him loose all hope I really did..Well then in June his Mother died...I was still calling all of the time before his mom died and after but would only get the machine..he would email me but in the emails it would say i think its best we speak thru email bc i feel as though u are completley focused on getting back together and that is not what i want..it killed me..also saying he doesnt want me out of his life but he can't be my boyfriend...i dont know if he was saying this bc i was being so so so pushy or what..but when he emailed me aug 30th i never wrote him back until this past saturday..n my voicemails before and prior email i told him id b n town and he could have written me and said dont come but he didnt..and ur right i am TERRIFIED of him saying NO dont come..but i havent called him since labor day but i knew i had to send an email like i did this past saturday tellin him for sure im coming to town and ill be at this place on this date and time and to meet me there..i have friends that told me they told their EX's they would never be with them again but they said they said that bc they were so hurt..im hoping thats why he said that to me before..or maybe im blind and im just holding on to some kind of "hope" that really isn't there...its horrible..bc this man really did love me so so much...he really did..

[Ukwizard]

Has anyone forgot about Fjk82s other post?

 

I had emailed a good friend of his asking for his opintion on me driving to see him while i was there in 2 weeks....he wrote me back and said even though it hurts i think you need to let him move on with his life right now and you need to move on with yours too. it will hurt for awhile but if its ment to be it will be u can't force it..

what do i do now?????????? im in tears..........should i not go see him while im there or what do i do?????? people make mistakes..why can't i get another chance..why.........my life is over.........what do i do.......

She`s already politely been told to "move on".

 

FOLDERWIFE-----When we 1st broke up easter weekend I was callinghim NON STOP..Leaving cryin voicemails etc.

Being pushy doesn`t work with everyone. Being pushy, pushes them away further. I mean would you be pushy to your best friend? Would you badger them all the time? Phone them up, and harrass the hell out of them?

 

The answer is NO. No you wouldn`t want a friend like that. You have to stop being needy, and persistant on your ex you walked out on. Remember you left him, and now the tables have turned. Its as if your happiness depends on being with him. Now to me that is very confusing because you already walked out without saying goodbye, and then you come back crying, and begging? What message might that convey? Now think about it.

 

If he was to give you a second chance it would have been now, but I think the fact is that he is scared that you might walk out on him again. There is a phrase that goes like this,

 

"Hurt me once, shame on you

Hurt me twice, shame on me"

 

It could be your boyfriend you left is very stubborn. He`s not going to change his mind anytime soon, or maybe not at all. He doesnt want you back maybe because of the simple fact that you might walk out again. Remember you`ve already done it, and there is no reason why you won`t do it again. People leave for a reason! Ask yourself what reason did you have to leave? I mean really think about this one. If you loved him so much, you wouldn`t have left in the first place!!!!

 

I know you don`t want to hear this, but I think you have two chances at this to get back with your boyfriend.

 

The two chances are....(1) slim, and (2) none.

 

The biggest hint like I said in another post is he`s already told a friend of his to tell in a email,

 

even though it hurts i think you need to let him move on with his life right now and you need to move on with yours too.

Trust me, I ve been here before. When I split up with my ex, I did the texting, almost every day. Calling every second week, and emailing. (stop this now! It doesnt work!!) Although to not as much as an extent as yours, and leaving crying voicemails. It shows one thing. The fact that your ex (exactly like my ex) has been speaking about your relationship to his friend, and his mind has been made up, and even his friend has told you this.

 

Unfortunatley for me too, my ex`s friend sent me a message to "move on", too, and to "back off", as she was going to develop a relatonship with another man!!

 

he can't be my boyfriend

Not just now anyway. Stop being pushy, and needy, and you can stil see him as a friend. Where do most relationships come from? Being friends. If you get too pushy then he will not want to see you again.

 

When we 1st broke up easter weekend I was callinghim NON STOP..Leaving cryin voicemails etc..He was answering sometimes at first but would only talk for 1minute and telling me he doesnt see himself being with me every again.

Reduce your contact now, and I know it will be hard, but try not to contact him for about 2-3 weeks. If he still loves you he will come looking for you. In that time, go out and have fun, meet your friends, and do lots of fun things to tell your ex.

 

No one wants someone that drowns in their sorrows, and has nothing to live for. People are attracted to happy, and not clingy people. If you want someone back then it will take time. Give your man space to let him think. I ve already told you to stop pestering him, because if you don`t. The irony will be is that you will drive him away for good, and then you will have NO chance. Don`t come back here, because I ll say it now.

 

"I told you so!"

[Island Girl]

I know you are hurting. I feel just awful for you.

 

You are going up there and wrote him you were coming, now you have to go. It would be WAY worse if he is on the fence about meeting you and then decides to-- oooops -- you aren't there. I don't think that would be repairable. He may think you set him up to hurt him.

 

Go there. If he shows up talk to him. But let him dictate the tone of the conversation. Don't cry. Men usually see crying in this situation as intentional manipulation. You may tear up depending on what you are talking about, that's fine but try to control yourself.

 

If he doesn't come, you are going to have to let him go. He may come back to you, he may not. But he is obviously a man who is not going to be easily led or manipulated.

 

If you try the route of manipulation, and - oh yes - it can and will work - it will be a LONG game of cat and mouse that truly I don't think you are equipped for and really betrays the relationship you built and maintained for 4 years. I don't think you really want to do that. Even if you got him back by manipulation, I can tell you, the endless manipulation will create a whole different dynamic in the relationship. It will not be what you had before.

 

If he comes to see you say what you want to say. But if he is giving you indications that he cares but he has pulled back and doesn't want to jump in right away, don't push him. He has been very hurt and his mother passed away as well. He has a lot going on. It would be nice if you let him know you realize he has a lot to sort through with all that has happened. I am not advocating being a doormat. Just being respectful of him and being a friend.

The ball would then be in his court and you are just going to have to step back and let things happen if they are going to.

[FolderWife]

I told all of my friends what a horrible man my husband was. I told all of my family how badly he treated me. If he had talked to one of them in an email, they would've told him that there is NO WAY I would take him back. But he was persistant to a point, but then he backed off, and said he loved me, so if he couldn't be my husband, he would be my friend. That caused me to ease up and allow him in my life a little bit.

 

The next thing I know, he's my BEST friend again, and being his wife made sense. My family and friends were shocked when I went back, because in there mind, I wouldn't ever go back.

 

And I honestly thought I would never take him back once I left. That is not to say that we are going to live happily ever after...I might decide to leave again in a week, but I am giving us a second chance.

 

All is not lost. It looks text book, and I am a woman trying to figure out a man in this instance, but she could very well have been my husband begging for me to come home, and all of my friends and family telling him to give up.

 

That's why I have hope for her. Of course....it has been almost six months...but my most recent ex refused to take his ex back...until they had no contact for two months, and as soon as she started talking to him again, he jumped right back into love with her.

 

So since your six months of begging didn't work, go ahead and meet him for dinner, say goodbye, and don't talk to him for a few months.

 

I was always scared that the person I was no contacting would find someone else. But I quickly got over that, when I realized these boys that I would date would date me until their ex came back into the picture, and then they dumped me like mashed potatoes. So if he does find someone else, she won't ever measure up to you, and as soon as you are friendly with him again, he'll be putty in your hands.

 

UK is right, however, you need to leave him alone for now. Give him time to heal, and forget the hurt, and THEN remind him of the happy days.

[fjk82]

Thank you guys so much for your opinions..It really means a lot to me..

 

Island Girl--Thank you..Its hard because hes alll the way up in Pennsylvania and Im alll the way back down in Florida now..I have been going out all of the time down here with my friends and meeting new people etc but when Im out with a new man all I think about is the one back in PA..Im really hoping he does meet me..I sent that email way in advance so he would know and Im thinking what if he forgets the dates, etc what if he thought it was yesterday lol..But so far its Thursday and he has not written me back so that is a good thing..I think...bc I know if I didn't want to see someone id tell them to not bother coming all that way and trust me its a lloonggg way...A plane ride from Tampa to PA to my Moms..Then he leaves 3 hour car ride and Ill be doing this at night..Wish me luck..Should I send another email the day before just to conform to him that I am still coming the next day? Im not sure..

 

I really want to see how hes doing..With the loss of his mother..Hes the only child and I can't imagine that pain he must be going thru..He loses me n April then his Mom n June...Horrible..THEN EVERYONE GET THIS..I speak to his best friends wife often..She told me at first how broken up he was that this happend with me but ever since the mom passed I am not spoken about which i totally understand..Well she told me that the one time im even going to b n the state him and his friend and his father are going to be n MY MOMS TOWN that ENTIRE WEEKEND for a football game...what a weird twist of fate i think..its a small town..penn state..and i am sure he will be bar hoping that weekend and i will too..i wonder if we are bound to run into eachother...i just thought that was VERY ODD the 1 time im even there that that is the weekend he will be there too.....weird? i think not...

thank you everyone...im still curious on everyones feelings and if u think its fate that hes going to be n my town that same weekend im there...hope u all have a wonderful day..and u guys really help me get thru mine...

[simon_uk]

 

And I honestly thought I would never take him back once I left. That is not to say that we are going to live happily ever after...I might decide to leave again in a week, but I am giving us a second chance.

 

 

How nice!

 

Or perhaps he may leave you?

[fjk82]

SIMON---Give me your advice Not someone else that posted something bc people may think thats part of my story when its not at all!

[simon_uk]

I think most people are intelligent enough to realise that the quote is not part of your story.

 

Anyway, you want my advice?

 

Well my advice is to allow him to do what he wants to do. If that is that he wants to move on with his life without you, then you have to respect that. It is tough, I do realise this. My girl left me four weeks ago and I miss her everyday. But she is doing what is best for her and I have to accept that and respect her wishes.

 

I have not had any contact with her since the day she left. I have no intention of contacting her, not because I dont want to but because she doesnt want me to. If she does want to speak to me, she knows where I am and how to get hold of me.

 

As UK Wizard explained, if you persue him, you will do nothing but chase him further away. I know this myself from experience. Two breakups and twice I chased after them. The first girl ended up changing her phone number, I was that persisitent and annoying. Believe me, you do NOT want to chase him, unless you want to increase your chance of him never coming back??!?!? The choice is yours.

 

Good Luck

[Ukwizard]

I m with SimonUk with this one. Also like what Folderwife has said, and I quote,

 

I told all of my friends what a horrible man my husband was. I told all of my family how badly he treated me. If he had talked to one of them in an email, they would've told him that there is NO WAY I would take him back.

followed by

 

But he was persistant to a point,

but the most important part is what she says later

 

but then he backed off,

This is important, because like I said you wouldn`t be persistant with a friend. You wouldn`t phone them everyday, or see them everyday. It would get tiring for them, and stressfull.

 

Back off NOW, and slowly work back into his life.

 

Folderwife then goes on to say,

 

That caused me to ease up and allow him in my life a little bit.

 

The next thing I know, he's my BEST friend again,

 

More importantly, please don`t compare your scenario with Folderwifes`. She`s talking from the dumpers point of view, and how the dumpee has begged to come back, and then eased off. It is an example, but not all examples in Love Shack show people get back together. Its very rare.. If you read my any posts here, it sometimes takes months, or even years before they come back. One recent post I read here on LS. Someone had to wait 20 years before they came back!! You have to get it into your head that your ex may NOT come back at all, but if you back off now, and stop being so persistant then there will be a slight chance.

 

I still don`t think its a good idea to meet up for lunch. I tried this with my ex, and I told her I would like to meet up only as friends, but I think she knew that was my way of getting my foot in the door. I think you are still forgetting the fact that his friend has told you indirectly not to go and see him, to leave him alone, and that you need to move on. I m not sure if its me, or if its you, but I ve read, and followed most of your posts.

 

I ve come to the conclusion, that you are still VERY focused on your ex. You only want to hear what you want to hear, and you are perhaps still in the stage of denial.

 

Im so afraid to check my email all day because Im scared that he will write me back and tell me not to come

I think we already now that your persistance, is not working. If you become too persistant he will stop writing back, and you may get another dreaded e-mail or text from a friend telling you to leave him alone. That will be all end of contact for the both of you. Do your really want that?

 

You can still contact him maybe on the level you are now. If you do then you will suceed in driving him away, or you can be pleasant, and come into his life slowly again. People remember people by making them feel good. Would you really want a clingy, obssessive, crazy, bunny boiler ex, thats wants straight back into their life after walking out in the fist place.........I don`t think so.

 

Your choice.

[fjk82]

Hi UK--

 

I have not tried calling him in almost a month now. When he emailed me Aug 30th I never even wrote him back until this past Saturday so I think actually I know that is good on my part..Because In the beginning I was crazy with the calling and emails non stop...Ive stopped all of that and since then the email I sent had NOTHING to do with getting back together..Just wishing him and his father well with the loss of his mother..

So Ive been very good about this I think..And I really believe in my heart that he would have written me back telling me not to come..That is not a hard thing to do at all..Maybe hes thinking about it...Maybe he does want to see me.Or maybe Ill drive all that way for him not to be there..But the truth is Ill never know unless I try..I know his friend told me what he told me thru email..But his friend is down here in FL with me and my X is in PA!! THey never see one another and the friend said it was his own personal opinion and to leave him alone for "right now"

Also there is no "dinner" in the email I asked him to meet me at this diner in the parking lot bc he lives in the middle of no where and thats close to his home...said ill b waiting in my car and if i can buy him a cup of coffee or we can talk in the parkin lot and that i just want to see how he is doing...im praying he givesme that chance..im going to let him lead the conversation bc i really want to see how hes doing since the death of his mother..remember this man was my life for 4yrs we lived togethr 3 1/2yrs and we were family..we had a cat together lol...so for her to die 2months after i left him is a huge shock and murders my soul to know i wasnt there for him during that diffcult time..we were together at all times..we were eachothers lives..

[Ukwizard]

Hi there Fjk82. Thats great. Keep up with the reduced contact for now. Don`t act too clingy. That is a huge no, no. Your ex has definitely NOT forgotten about you. Four years is a hell of a long time. If he still loves you, he will still think about you, and he will talk about you to his friends, and family.

 

The reason how I know this is because my ex still talks about me, and I ve been in NC with her for 4 months know until one day, I recieved a phone call on my mobile from my ex. My heart jumped, as I had been pestering her for months to get her back with me. Only to be told by her best friend for me to "back off", and to "move on". I know exactly how you feel, and how you want him back straight away.

 

Anyway, back to the small story. I was in no contact with my ex girlfriend for 4 months, but I did send her a few emails, with jokes, and funny attachments every now, and again. I even sent the odd email every 3-4 weeks to tell her what I ve been up to. I heard nothing from her, so I decided to reduce my contact even further, and space my emails further, and make the few, and far between.

 

Back to the original story. When her picture flashed up on my mobile when she called, I jumped in disbelief. To cut a long story short. I pretended I couldn`t answer, and replied in a text that it was nice to hear from her, and I couldnt answer as I was driving. Well, if I thought it was important then she would call back. Sure enough, about an hour later she called again!

 

Turns out the second time I answered the phone, it was a spooky silent call, but I could hear giggling, and my ex saying to her youngest daughter to give the phone back. Apparently her youngest daughter got hold of her mobile, and phone me. Now my situation is different because there is another man involved. I went on to LS, and got people`s advice, and opinions what this all meant.

 

Anyway my ex texted back saying she was on the phone (landline) to another person, and mentioned in her text she didnt mean to phone. The people here on LS were great. They mentioned the fact that a 12 year old girl would not put it upon herself to call her mothers ex. Obviousily she was giggling, and causing mischief, and it was possible my ex was talking to her current boyfriend about me.

 

So what I m saying here is no matter the distance between your ex, and his friend. It doesn`t mean they can communicate by text, phone or email. My ex`s current boyfriend lives a little bit further down the road from me. I stay 47 miles way, and her current man stays another 30 miles down the road from me. No matter the distance they still can talk.

 

I m worried about the fact that you aren`t listening to your ex`s friend`s advice. You can try to drive to see your ex, but don`t be disappointed if he isnt going to be there.

[Island Girl]

If you do get a chance to talk to him I would focus on what you said about being there for him since the death of his mother. It sounds like he deserves that. You guys were each others support for years and now he is dealing with this without the person he relied on.

 

If he doesn't come to see you, you can send him a card and explain that your wishes for a relationship with him come second to you being there as a friend for him. Extend your wish that if he does need to talk that he will feel he can reach out to without having to go into wht is going on or is going to go on between the two of you.

 

I know it must be very difficult and painful for you right now. But your hurt comes from your own decision. It is horrible I know.

 

His hurt is from something that he wasn't a part of. He needs to be first right now. His needs, his wants, etc. They need to be the priority. It sounds like you owe him that much. You truly love him so it shouldn't be hard to realize you have time to resolve your relationship whatever happens. What he is going through - the loss - it is in his face everyday with no resolution except learning to live with the fact that his mother is gone. Give the relationship talk a break unless he brings it up and wants to discuss it.

[fjk82]

Im having a very very hard time with all of this tonight..Im in tears and I can't stop..I made a mistake..I am human..I know I messed up beyond bad but that does not change the way I feel about him. I can't go on like this. What happend to fighting for what you want and believe. I dont see my life without him. I dont see myself being with any other and being married to any other. I need him back u guys and I am BEYOND scared to death that he wont be there Wednesday night..My body shakes and I feel my heart..People get back together all of the time. Why can't this happen for me and him? Especially how close we were. It murders my soul to look back and see how hard he tried to keep us together and for me not to leave him..Maybe I needed this to realize without him you guys..Why Why Why....

Please say a prayer for me tonight...I need him,...Please...I love this man more then anything in the world please...................please...

[FolderWife]

Darlin, you are fighting for him! But you have to use the right weapons! If you are clingy, and always there when HE wants you, YOU LOSE!

 

You have to let him miss you, and let him come to you. Trying to arrange a meeting was a HUGE mistake! Your best bet would've been to visit your family, and then hope that he hears that you were in town, and DIDN'T COME SEE HIM!!!

 

Cancel the meeting. Tell him that you've thought about it, and you don't really have enough time to drive all the way down there, without a guarantee that he will be there (which you don't! How long has it been since you've seen your family?) and that maybe when your feelings for each other aren't so raw, and you can just be friends again, THEN you'll make time to see him. But right now it's too soon.

 

In the beginning, I was thinking that pushyness was the only way to get someone back...but once I started writing, I realized that once my husband stopped trying to get me back, I started coming back. He let me know that he loved me, but he wasn't going to try to get me back, because that's not what I wanted.

 

BACK OFF! Stop crying! Do you realize how many other men are out there? How do you know that none of them are better...you've been with this cat all of your adult life! You don't know if there's better out there or not! Go DATE!

 

And P.S. I wouldn't wait around on someone that doesn't want me. If you have to work THIS HARD to make someone that "loves" you be with you, then It AiN't WoRtH iT. And if it is, then back off, and give it time. Good things are worth waiting for.

 

But cancel that Darn Dinner. If you want him back, that's the WORST thing you can do. Now if you want to lose him forever, and get closure, then go to dinner with him.

 

Mark my words, it's a mistake.

 

Plus, if you do get him back, he is going to expect you to work this hard to be with him all the time. One fight, and he will throw you out and make you beg to come back again.

 

He knows where you stand. Now back off and see where he stands.

[D-Lish]

I'll tell you something Folderwife....

After reading your post just now- you made me reconsider sending my "take me back" letter to my ex.

 

It's too soon, the wounds are too raw. I need to give him time to see if he misses me instead of pouring my heart out and then getting smacked with the rejection I would most assuredly endure.

 

And it hit home with me the "first fight you have he'll run".....

That is probably true.

 

Glad I read the post.

I'm going to save the e-mail to him in my Drafts folder and not send it.

Thanks,

D

[mental_traveller]

The first rule of how to win back an ex is not to bother. They are an ex for a reason.

 

But if if you insist, then the second rule is to STOP TRYING SO HARD. That just pushes them away.

[simon_uk]

The first rule of how to win back an ex is not to bother. They are an ex for a reason.

 

Thats your first reason. All situations are different, nothing is set in stone.

 

But if if you insist, then the second rule is to STOP TRYING SO HARD. That just pushes them away.

 

Couldnt agree more.

[fjk82]

FOLDERWIFE--

 

The problem is he wouldnt have known im n town because our familes dont LIVE n the same town. Im down in FL right now living here this is the place we moved here together from PA..MY family lives in state college, pa and his lives in the poconos its a 3hour long distance...we have been broken up for almost 6months. if i didnt try to see him this visit i have NO IDEA when ill ever be in PA again. i dont go there for thanksgiving or christmas my mom comes to me down here. so this is the only chance i have. yes i agree i was begging n the beginning but for the past month and a half maybe 2months i havent AT ALL..

[fjk82]

ISLANDGIRL--

 

I just wanted to say thank you very much..Your kind words help me alot..I know everyone here helps me and I truly apperciate EVERYONES advice but for some reason I FEEL as though you are really looking into my situation..

 

 

THank you everyone..The time is ticking and its already Friday..So far HE HAS not written me back and thats a good thing...i really really really feel as though if he didnt want me to come see him he would have emailed me back saying DO NOT COME....nobody is comenting on that part of this story and i think that is where my bit of "hope" is coming from...bc its not hard at all to click reply and say dont come.....right?

[Ukwizard]

Like I said Fjk82, and I was right. Never be too pushy. Imagine yourself stuck on your own door step with a pushy salesman at your door, who`s got his foot trapped in your door. There is no way on Earth would you let the salesman in. You just want rid of him.

 

Folderwife was correct in some ways, but she was wrong at the start about being pushy. She`s speaking from a different perspective, and thats hers, being the dumpee. Its not about manipulation, crying, and "not doing something right", and its not about being nicey nice like Folderwife says, because people who know you can suss you out. Its about looking ahead, and what you need to do. So what do you need to do? The answer is nothing! Let him be, and let time pass because time changes people. Yes contact him now, and again buy sending jokes or funny attachements to his email. DONT DO THIS NOW! He`s already stopped replying to you. Why? Its because you persisted too much.

 

Work on yourself for now, and keep getting out. Get on with your social life. Stop thinking he is the one, and there is no other, because there will be other men out there. You are still holding on to a dream, but although there is nothing wrong with that. Its unhealthy. Who is to say he will ever come back.

 

Also I believe what you should do now, is stop beating yourself over this mistake. You truly believ it was a mistake, but your ex does`nt because he would be back with by now.

 

They say the longer you apart from each other, the harder it is to get back together. Your already passing this mark now. Its been 6 months. That`s half a year he`s split up with you. Normally if someone is deeply in love with you. You wouldn`t be apart for so long. He`s managing to cope without you, and if that`s the case then he may not come back.

 

.The time is ticking and its already Friday..So far HE HAS not written me back and thats a good thing...i really really really feel as though if he didnt want me to come see him he would have emailed me back saying DO NOT COME....nobody is comenting on that part of this story and i think that is where my bit of "hope" is coming from...bc its not hard at all to click reply and say dont come.....right?

Stop analysing! Its not going to help either. It could be because your ex has kept away from his PC. He`s got sick of your persistance, that he has deleted his email without reading it. Some people don`t reply back because they can`t say `no` or don`t know how to. He doesnt want to hurt you anymore, so the best way to reply to your email, is to say nothing at all, and again how do I know? My ex has stopped replying to my emails too! I m in exactly the same positon as you, but six months being apart from her has now become 11 months! It will be a year since we have been apart next month!!