Update Again..need Input

[fjk82]

Ok I tried to fix my post but it wont let me. Ill be 25 in a few MONTHS not years lol.

I just always imagined my life as being married by this time and all that fun stuff people look forward to and I HAD THAT and id be planning my wedding right now but I walked away. I guess the most important thing I need to remember is and keep telling myself is why did u walk away? that took a lot for me to do and if i was able to do it..then i did the right thing and i will see that sometime in the future..

[paris38]

to be nice. That doesn't mean he's in love with you anymore. In fact, he has avoided contact and has pretty much told you to do the same. Everyone has spent a lot of time with someone, and broken up, but at some point you have to stop the contact and move on, at this point the email, constant contact, etc...you are very unattractive to him right now as a person and he is thanking his lucky stars it didn't work out because you have confirmed through the 8 months to him that you are not 'the one' for him.

"I don't not want her to be a part of my life." That is what people say about acquaintances they might never see again, it means if he ran into you he would acknowledge you....that's about it, it shows no romantic feelings whatsoever. It means he doesn't NOT want you to be a part of his life, but he's not saying "I want her to be a part of my life."

[fjk82]

I guess..

This entire situation is just plain sad. Like I said before I HATE how I have choosen to act since the break up but I can't change it or make it go away. I really hope he doesn't feel the way you think he does but who the **** knows..

Im just beyond heartbroken to know how our relationship has ended and Im sick over it because there is nothing I can do to fix it. I am hoping that after months go by with me not calling or emailing or just plain nothing he will wonder how I am and he will want to contact me. But when I sit and think about everything I have done It kills me to know that he might hate me. You dont know how that feels and its the worst feeling in the world. Or he might miss me and he himself can't speak to me because it hurts him to. You never know..Im hoping he doesnt hate me obviousley and I do hope in the future he will contact me because I dont WANT him not in my life. Those are just my feelings.

[L-FUZZ]

well this is why i am glad you sent that last email to him,, at that point i dont think it matters if you sent him a last word explaining your actions after the break. that will be the last he hears of you if you maintain NC, and he can use that email to reflect positively on you ... because you said nothing mean,, you were sweet and honest. and after time ,, sometimes alot of time.. i think most people in most situations eventually tend to look positively back on people who where in there lives for significant amount of time.

 

But mainly in my opinion.. i thought it was fine of you to send him that. Also hate is a strong word... He may be frustrated , but i certainly dont think he hates you . Time makes these thoughts or negative feelings fade. That is all you have left at this point, is time. time to let things settle. for the both of you.

So go out flirt, try and have fun with new people,,, it's what i am trying to do as i am trying to maintain NC with my ex, who broke it off with me, three months ago. I do feel for you.

[Ukwizard]

But when I sit and think about everything I have done It kills me to know that he might hate me.

 

Fjk, I m sitting here typing this, and I m beginning to give up on you altogether.

 

Just read the above quote you said in your last post!!

 

Now go further up, and read what I said. In fact, here I ll help you, and save you the trouble.

 

What I said before was,

 

He`s already made the small effort by phoning you. He still likes you as a person. Of course he does. So what was the purpose of that email? If you got closure then, leave it at that.

 

"He still likes you". That`s why he called to see if you got home okay. If a person hates you that much. Would they even call you.

 

To me fjk, it looks like you haven`t read what I ve said. Chose what you want to hear.

 

In fact you`ve been like this for the last 8 months, and your whole thread, and posts indicate you haven`t changed at all! You mention you have changed, and you believe it, but sorry. I don`t actually see it.

[fjk82]

Thanks LFUZZ..

Soo Ive been in NC for only 5 days since I sent that email and it seems like forever. Im always keeping myself busy but at times I can't help but think of him and how I wished he was there with me always like before. Its really hard to except but I am.

 

My fear is that he will never contact me again. Or if he knows Im seeing someone since my friend thought she told his friend. BUT I really think his friend would have been honest with her about it but instead he didn't remember anything and said he thinks someday we will be able to be friends and that my X thinks Im not ready yet. So I really feel he was being honest bc his loyalty is with my X not me or my friends so I think he would have been straight up with her if he knew I was dating someone and if he thought my X would never contact me again. But instead he said with time.

 

Sorry for the rambles..Im going on and on..Just needed to vent a bit and get some thoughts off my chest and out of my head I guess Im just afraid he wont contact me at all in the future and I wanted to remind myself that Im driving myself crazy with all the what if's and I wanted to make sure that his friend would have said something about him knowing if he really did. Right..?

Help put my mind at ease

I need it!

Hope all of you are doing great!!

[fjk82]

I also wanted to say that you were right when you said as soon as you really realize that its over..It makes it a little easier to move on. Because I no longer have that hope to hold onto. I know my life will get better with time. Thats all I have is time on my side. Hopefully some day he will contact me in the future and by that time Ill be ok with everything.

I need to find myself ..bc thats something i have yet to do lately..

im still goin to have my down moments...my sad ones..im only human and i want to feel like i can come here and vent still..so thats what i plan to do!

[L-FUZZ]

hey fjk82,

yah its only been a few days of NC. I know to you it seems alot longer. I'm, sure he is thinking of you. But this does not mean they will contact you .. We have to remember that feelings are never black or white.. he maybe thinking one thing and not doing another, vise versa and so on. there is alot to your past with him, as far as the actual relationship and the things that have transpired after the relationship...You two certainly have alot of emotional baggage with this realationship.. that i truely feel that time is the only thing you have to help clear the slate of those ups and downs. The more you hold on to him,, the more time it will take for you and him, to reconnect in a healthy way.

 

So yes, you should come here ,write, to vent. In the mean time,, dont forget to start working on yourself.. Go get some books to read,, take a couple of classes.. workout,, Reach out to some new people and make new friends. Are you still dating that guy?? Well if you are , i hope atleast it is helping you get some self -esteem back. After my ex broke my heart,, my ego was really bruised. All the whats wrong with me guestions came about (which i guess is normal).. but it has taking three months for me to feel like me again, and mainly because i was not happy. I had to find happiness without him in my life. Which i knew the happiness was there, because i had it before i dated him.. I guess it is as simple as just telling yourself to be happy again. To wake up in the morning and tell yourself that its all a new day and its better then the day before,, the more the days go by, the better you feel, the faster the future comes and the past is left behind. Its hard , its really hard to try and knock those wanting, missing thoughts of your ex out of your head. I still miss my ex. i still think of him. wondering what he's doing. is he happy?. is he satisfied with his choice to breakup with me.

I don't know any of these answers, But i have been moving forward without any contact or answers.. I went out with a new guy a couple times on dates. had a nice time. Do i think wow he is better then my ex- No i dont. But i am moving forward giving new people a chance. Plus it does wonders for you ego again. it's fun to think of an all together new person in your life, and guess what ? they have not hurt you , let you down , or broken your heart.. well atleast not for now. And there is somethin to that.. knowing these new people have a clean slate with you. and you with them.

 

These threads have really helped me.. i have silently read them for awhile. Every situation is different,, but regardless the advice found in these threads are helpful to any person suffering from a loss of a relationship. I am glad i found this site. Hope your hanging in there, fjk82

[myhotrod123456789]

just read this thread and it sounds really really really painful. i really recommend that you never ever contact him again. the one thing you actually should contact him about is changing his email password. it is clear that this has been the source of a lot of torture for you and nothing good is going to come of reading it. he has made his intentions as clear as can be. i actually think telling him to change his password is one of the best things you can do. im sure the temptation to check makes you want to check multiple times a day. you cant move on if you are reading what he is up to day to day. it is like a substitute for talking to him.

[fjk82]

So..It has been 2weeks of NC..

 

Of course as many of you probably assumed I have not heard from my X. Its been 2 weeks and I have been total NC. Its very very hard but Im making it so far so good.

 

Yesterday I had off work. I was at lunch with my Best Friend and we were trying to find something to do. It was such an ugly day out and raining hard. For some reason we decided we wanted to go do something fun so we decide to go see a Psychic for the 1st time for both of us. Funny I know but I thought it would be fun and different.

 

My friend went 1st. Then it was my turn and I went into the room. I got a Tarrot Card Reading and a Psychic Reading..

 

She starts saying stuff about my job and some other things regarding money, etc. I was just looking at her with no expressions on my face at all. Then she starts into my love life. Said that within the last year I have gone down a road that I should have never been on. That I made a decision that I now regreat and I feel like I am missing a piece of my life. A part of me is gone. I then told her about my X. Not all details of course. I was *hoping* she would say you did the right thing, this pain will pass, etc etc..but NO..

She looked at me and told me that he is my soul mate. And he is very hurt and right now he really doesn't want me back and feels like there is nothing to discuss. She told me she see's him contacting me somehow in the next few months. She kept saying he is my soul mate and we will get back together. Not in 2007, she sees it happening in 2008. I told her I dont see that at all since we dont speak period and he lives up North and Im down here. She just looked at me and said Our paths WILL cross and it will happen that right now he needs to be left alone. That both of us will be in a r-ship with other people but we wont love them the way we loved one another and they wont be long term.

She also kept saying she felt strong about him having a female influence around him that is not on my side. (i keep thinking his mother even though she has passed away since june)..Maybe other women that want him too.

 

Isn't that weird. Of course it made me think. I dont know what to believe or if I even believe in a psychic bc I dont understand how someone can see and feel your future. But of course it makes me wonder bc of some things she had said about him and I. I can't help but wonder if it is true or not..

 

This NC thing sucks. Especially never knowing if Ill EVER hear from him again in my entire life. Hope that isn't the case.

Ive been keeping myself busy. I started this crazy diet and I have lost 16.5 lbs in almost a month. So I am proud of myself. I wish I had seen my X after this current weight loss but he saw me 3 days before I started this diet so his last visual of me was me having gained weight =0(

 

Anyone out there tonight..Would love some feedback. Hate feeling like Ill never see or hear from this man again in my life time..

[lorr]

Look just continue with NC! As for the tarot reader I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them. Seems to me that the tarot reader saw you coming a mile off and is just playing games with you. Do yourself a favour and get on with your life.

[fjk82]

Good Evening Everyone..

Just wanted to check in and say hi to everyone out there reading this.

 

Im still on the right track. I have been NC since January 11th. Seems like forever but its totally not, lol but its a start I guess. Ive been busy with work, and the gym, going out, etc. To answer your question LFUZZ yes I am still dating that other guy. I know its not the right thing for me to do at all but at the same time I feel he was put in my life at this moment for a reason. Maybe to get my confidence back up and running, or maybe just to occupy my time. Hes such a great guy but just not a great guy for me. Its just not fair to him because I still think of my X on a daily basis and can't help but wish he was him in front of me. I guess thats somewhat normal but who knows.

 

For the last few days I kept wishing I had written a little more in that last email I had sent to him. Its to late now bc Its been sent and I cant change it but I really do wish I would have said that I am ashamed at the way I have handled this breakup and ashamed in myself for the way I had been treating him months prior to our breakup and the way that I had left him. And for him to know how sorry I was for the way I acted. And I think I had a lot of growing up to do and a lot of things I had to learn and I really wish my eyes would have been open then so I could have made these changes with him and not without him like I am now.

Im also worried that I shouldn't have written how I got my closure and Im ok with us not being together. That was such a flat out lie. If you guys are confused with what Im talking about Im talking about that sentence of the email I sent to him a few weeks ago that I posted on here. I said that Im sorry it has taken me 8months to get my closure and I can say we are done and thats ok.

I regreat saying that..I dont want him to think thats how I feel bc those feelings are false. I wanted to say more the lines of how I realize I can't force someone to want to be with me again, and how sorry I am (what i mentioned in the above paragrapg) and how sorry i am for not giving him the time and space and that i really am growing into a more mature person and to contact me when hes ready to talk..and how im leaving him alone finally bc its been made clear to me that at this time he doesnt want to be with me and thats why I finally see I need to move on...

 

Or was it the right thing for me to do by saying that stuff that I did say in the email to make him think different and when he sees that I really dont contact him that will make him wonder.

 

I really believe (and my mother does very strongly) that he is in a place right now that he isn't firmilarl I think hes someone that hes not use to being. After his Mothers death all he does is party and seems to be abusing alchocle. It numbs the pain for him I think. I really do..I really hope that sometime this year he will snap out of that and realize that isn't the way to live. And maybe it will open his eyes to me.Thats why I wish I would have said some of the above stuff in the email and left it at that instead of lying to him saying im ok with us being over. I really regreat saying that but cant change it...

 

Id love some advice you guys..I need it with this new transition of my life..Please..

[fjk82]

Also to add more to my post I just posted above..

 

With everything that has happend between this man and I...How can I change it and make it better? I know I can't do any of that right now and I know that I have to stay in NC....BUT I can't help but feel like I should have said more to him in that email. The truth..How I wish I could change how I handled our break up, and even the kind of girlfriend i am..and how now i have learned so damn much and have really grown up a lot and that was something that really had to happen to me..i apperciate so much more and really see and realize what is most important in life and what isn't. because all i focused on before was bull**** and i really see now what matters the most in life..

 

in that email i should have said all of that. and that everyone deserves atleast a 2nd chance especially bc we only broke up bc of a mistake i made by making the decision to leave him..yes a lot has happend..but when u really truly love someone..i would really think u would give them atleast a 2nd chance and try to work things out together...4years and we never broke up until i left him and at that very moment he knew he wouldn't take me back..

how can u let go of someone so easy...how..doesn't everyone deserve atleast a 2nd chance...its a horrible feeling to have ..me thinking that i dont even know this man anymore..and after living with him for so many years im seeing this side i never thought could be..

just how you cut someone out the way he cut me out..i dont get it..we have had a lot happen to us..but u would think that would have made us stronger..i know i hurt him..but i hurt myself to..

 

how can i get his trust back you guys...how?..

with everything that ive done with the phone calls, the crying, the emails and then fate having us run into one another those 2 times...how do u fix all that has happend...

i dont want him reminded of that girl..but that is all he has known since i left him in april and believe it or not thats almost coming up to being a year ago..but i can't change the past...only the future..but what if i never get the oppurtnity to..what if he never calls..and fate never has us run into one another agian..

i really have changed and grown as a person in the inside..id do anything for him to see this..i really would..and now since im feeling good about myself since ive lost 16 lbs so far..i want him to see that..to see that i did it..as u know i saw him december 30th and i started this diet january 3rd so in almost a month ive lost almost 20lbs...of course god had him run into me when i still had my weight on..

 

i know im rambling..but these are all my thoughts..please help me...

i need to write here..so i dont write to him..im trying to do the right thing but there are so many questions left un answered...this can't be the end..i refuse..we had to much..it can't end like this..

im goin to go to bed now..i need to shut my mind off...in case this is to long this is my 2nd post tonight so please read the one i wrote before this on my same thread too....im really anxious to see what u have to say everyone...i really need it..

[miss snoopy]

I know you're hurting flk82 but what more can anyone say that hasn't already been said? Your ex does not want you, he's made that crystal clear. You're taking the rights small steps and have started dating again. Obviously things aren't working with the person you're seeing as you're so hung up on your ex, but at least you're out there with a grip on the box of reality pills, even if you don't feel quite ready to swallow them.

 

Can't you see what you're doing to yourself? You remind me of a friend of mine who so badly wanted to get into Oxford university. Her hopes were built when she was accepted for interview but ended up being rejected 2 years in a row, the 2nd time without an interview. Instead of accepting it and moving on, she refused to go someplace else and appealed against the decision, reapplied for the 3rd time, tried to "better herself" by doing more extracurricular stuff, improving her grades etc. All Oxford uni admissions saw was a desperate person who won't take no for an answer and while they may have taken her if she went away the first time, did a degree someplace else and came back for a graduate degree, now she was on their blacklist. And she ended up spending 3 years out of high school wasting her time and energy analysing their decisions, her interview, the admissions process, writing letters to the press, stalking the admissions dean, being miserable, refusing advice from friends and family... some good it did - they never budged, and an intelligent, vivacious pretty girl ended up a broken shadow of her former self, all because of an obsession with one university.

 

Don't become like her. Set a date - perhaps today, 31st January, to bury this relationship. Even have a ceremony where you box up all the things that remind you of him. Then start afresh tomorrow. A new you, a new life.. you can do it, you're young and have got so many exciting years ahead of you!

[D-Lish]

Acceptance that it's over is the first step in moving forward.

 

I don't think you've fully accepted it though- but you're moving in that direction.

 

I understand the hurt. It's been 5 months since my ex and I broke up- and I am still dealing with the incredible sadness of his abandonment. I often feel sick over it. I've had all the same urges to call and e-mail him incessantly- hoping that I could just happen to say the right words that would magically have him wanting me back. But I haven't acted on those urges. I've sent him the odd e-mail asking how he is doing...but that's it.

 

I did meet with him after x-mas and we did have a great time- but there was no chance for reconciliation, I saw it in his eyes.

 

Sometimes, when a guy makes a decision, he doesn't turn back. My ex is super stubborn- he would never go back on his decision.

 

You just have to live your life everyday as if he isn't coming back- that's the only way to start healing. The NC really will help with that.

Everytime you want to call or e-mail- just post here.

 

It will get easier.

D

[fjk82]

i am having the worst time tonight..im in tears..i just so badly want to shake him and yell and scream my feelings..and maybe that would wake him from everything horrible that has happend between us..that i could break him just once..

such a hard hard time tonight...all i want to do is grab the phone..leave a message...id do anything to be in driving distance and make him listen to me...after 4 years and we cant talk about what has happend???? not even once?????? ...i never want to love again...i can't take this anymore...i am so broken and hurt and i feel crazy...i just so badly want and need him to hear me..to really see where im coming from...i dont know this person he is right now..i know the person he has always been is in there somewhere...he is just buried and covered up...i can't help but feel that i can still reach him..

 

this is just the worst...i need him to hear me..

 

ive never been like this before in my life..never desperate never anything..now look at me..i can't even get spoken to from the man that supposdley loved me and wanted to marry me and lived with me for so many years...i dont ever want to love again..

[fjk82]

Believe it or not I feel much better this morning...

 

Ive just been having a few very rough nights this week. Not sure what is triggering it BUT the POSITIVE of it all is Im not breaking down to the point where I am emailing or calling him. So atleast I think that is a very good thing.

 

I sign on here and vent and write it out...Thanks to anyone that hears me and thanks a million for those of you that do respond. I do need the support..Thank You

 

Today is going to be a good day..Just have to get rid of these bad nights lately...

 

Have a great one you guys..

[L-FUZZ]

hey there, fjk82, i try posting on here and sometimes it takes so long to show up,, i find it frustrating that i tend not to write much on these threads because of it..

[L-FUZZ]

Hey fjk82,, i know that for me during "that" time of the month i become really emotional about my breakup, and i have feelings rush up on me to the point were i feel like my boyfriend had just broke up with me,, and feel like i have not healed at all,, and it is incredibly hard not to reach out to him and get some sort of connection with him again,,

 

I dont know if that might be it for you , but im just saying that our menstrual cycles surely dont help us out in these times of trying to get over someone.. It makes me kinda crazy and i have to remind myself that i just need to get throu those few days and i 'll feel better.. and bam i feel a heck of alot better a few days later and my thoughts are back on track again. So i guess what i am saying is if that is the case for you ,,,know that alot has to do with the hormones sending you out for a wild cry. so let it out. and you will feel a lot better the next day.

 

either that or you just had a bad day and everyone has bad days from time to time.

[fjk82]

LFuzz

 

Wow haha you hit the nail right on the head (isn't that a sayin) It is that special time of the month for me and it started a few days ago. I thought about that today and figured hopefully that was the problem. But it is my true feelings...Thats how I feel every day and want answers for BUT I guess right at this week it makes me want to seriously act out on it more and take it wayyy more seriously and emotional...crazy girl..reading that made me smile lol

[L-FUZZ]

Hah! well i guess my women's intuition was really working there..,, i'm glad you got a smile out of it,, :-)

 

but know i what your feeling Fjk82.. i was there a week ago..

hope your doing alright.

[paris38]

It seems you are just obsessed with getting him back and getting him to contact you. losing 16 pounds is just a physical thing, and even if you were the hottest thing ever, it doesn't change feelings. also how you word an email, that wouldn't change how he feels about you, either.

I again repeat that what we have is 2 stories of a breakup - one of a guy who has fallen out of love and moved on, the other of a woman who almost a year later is still hanging on to a guy who doesn't love her anymore for dear life.

Yes, four years is a long time to date, but the reality is, long relationships often come to an end. It doesn't mean that your relationship was anymore deep and special than anyone else's. It also doesn't mean that he owes you anything, such as contact. It's been over for a long time now and he has straight out told you he wants no contact and has told you straight up to move on. What else is there to say, you can't force him to be in love with you again, as much as you tell yourself he is still in love with you...well, I don't think he is.

Please get counseling. It would really help you!

[fjk82]

Paris..

Yes I do love him. With my whole heart I love that man

 

Of course I go crazy when your with someone and live with someone and about to plan a wedding and I break up with him and he doenst contact me..Yeah that makes someone a little crazy with wanting that other person to contact them. PERIOD

 

You don't know how he feels and either do I. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but every post you add to my thread is always negative. I apperciate your thoughts but I am being positive now and to be honest I know he loves me. I just broke his heart then his Mom died and hes a lost soul right now. Im the one that spent almost 5yrs of my life with this man. I think has time goes on he will contact me on a friend level. Yes I know people are in and out of long term rships all the time but with me I would atleast hope and want to keep in contact with this man. Thats how I am. I dont like it when people that you love, etc for so long can one day be gone. I think that is a very sad thing and If I have my way It wouldn't be like that. Thats just me

 

Anyways

 

Im still in NC its almost been a month. Hard but I know it is for the best. Hope everyone is doing good out there. Just wanted to check in with everyone and say hi.

[paris38]

You keep making excuses. His mom died several months back. That would have nothing to do with his feelings for you. Sorry. You are looking for anything to hold on to this man and unfortunately you have friends and family who support all the excuses about why he's just not that into you anymore.

[fjk82]

Paris..

I really don't even know why you still view and comment on my thread. Im not trying to be mean at all but if you have nothing nice to say then dont say it at all. I really apperciate your input so far on all of this but I am trying to keep a positive attitude and I dont need any negative.

So thank you again for posting your thoughts concerning my relationship.

 

But if you think someone is totally normal and there feelings are all back to normal when your mother died a few months ago. Well I would have to strongly disagree with you.

Take care of youself.Thanks