Update Again..need Input

[fjk82]

wow...the truth hurts more then anything...im really hopin your wrong....but im sure u are right.........but sometimes isnt it different if u see someone and he didnt deleate the email. i know he read the email..for a fact he read it..

[Ukwizard]

Hi again Fjk82. I really feel for you. This all sounds very familar. The reason is because I ve been through this scenario before.

 

You also have to consider the next stage. That`s what to do if he chooses to go out, and to date other people. It may or may not happen in your case, but we still don`t know whats going to happen in the future.

 

At least you have a small insight in what you can do, to bring him back. Unfortunately the tables have turned onto you. You chose to walk out, and that was your decision. Now you want in, but you can because its now up to your ex if he wants you back or not.

 

In reality, 6 months is a long time. Its enough time to reconsider about getting back. All the persisting you`ve done is like what I said about the door salesman. Except you didn`t realy keep your foot in the door, because your ex managed to shut it.

 

Now how to win him back is not pressing his door bell, or banging on his door. If you keep doing that he`s not going to open the door to you is he. No the strategy is you go away, and come back when they are unaware. This time they woun`t expect you!

 

One thing I need to know is how do you know he read the email he sent you? Do you have access to his email account?

[fjk82]

hi again..

 

and the answer is yes..

i know 6months is a long time..but also keep in mind that his mother died inbetween all of this..he is throwing himself into his business(owns his own business) and into his father as well..its just the 2 of them now..

[FolderWife]

When you left without word, why did you leave? Did you hope that he would follow you to Florida?

 

He may have loved you, but you gotta realize that his parents and friends may've said, "move on, dude, you don't need someone that's going to run away like that." and he may've listened.

 

I left my husband and moved away, to be done with the relationship. He persued me, and I didn't expect him to want me back. However, he did, and that changed everything. You left and decided that you wanted him back.

 

Maybe he thought that you'd move back to PA if you really wanted to be with him. Why have you stayed in Florida?

[Island Girl]

I am trying to imagine your situation. I think everyone here is. I am just stuck on the fact that he was hurt when, after 4 years of being together (not on again off again but constant) you broke up. And then just a couple of months later his mother passes away. He probably doesn't know which way is up some days.

 

I can't imagine trying to sort through hurt and disappointment - along with feelings of loss and longing for the relationship. Wondering what to do and then my mother passes away.

 

I think everything would have to take a backseat at that point right? He is an only child? I think you said it is just the 2 of them (he and his father). If that is true, I would think he would have a hard time with the realization that he has only one other person in his family now. Just one. And knowing that at any time that one person could be gone too.

 

His pain from the loss could also transfer to you only because it is so raw - and he is not with you now - so he never has to lose you again. I am not saying that is in the front of his head just a thought occasionally in the very back. Some guys are like that in the begining of the mourning period. They can't see past the pain to the possibility of happiness. It doesn't seem like he has much to be happy about.

 

You know him best. You have been with him for 4 years. What does your gut instinct of how he is thinking or feeling? You know him. We don't.

 

I still do not think you should extend anything more than friendship to him right now. Just don't even discuss it, write to him about it, or call him about it. Let him adjust to the weight of the loss of his mom. It will be with him for his lifetime. He has to learn how to cope with it.

 

He needs people to talk to. I hope he has people around. It sounds like he does which is good. just do not push and cry and compound what he has going on right now with what you have going on. You guys went through the same break up but you were on different sides of it. Afterward his whole life went through the wringer.

 

Just try to feel compassion and understanding for the man you love. There will be time to talk to him. If he still loves you there will be time to discuss how you feel.

 

If he wants to move on, it could be, then you have to respect that. He had to live with your choice and you have to live with his.

 

You know him. You know how he processes information. You know if he is a person who will stick. A person that says something and come hell or highwater that is what is going to happen.

 

Did he tell you - "if you leave, don't ever come back"? Just think about it seriously without crying or getting emotional. Think about how he sees things and does things.

 

It may help you.

[fjk82]

ISLANDGIRL--

 

I just got off the phone with one of his best friends wife's..we were talking and she had told me that she told her husband to tell my X that he needs to do the right thing if he knows hes not going to meet me he needs to tell me..so she sat there and her husband told my X this on the phone a few days ago and all my X said was ill take care of it...he has had plenty of time to email me back sayin NO but so far he hasn't..she also said that it seems as though he never talks about his feelings about anything since his mom passed away..which is totally understandable..she said all he ever does is stuff with his father they have dinner together every night and watch movies, etc and everything he has planned he includes his dad into..he is also fully aware that hes going to be @ penn state the same weekend i am..and everyone knows we are bound to run into eachother lol..she said i dont want you to run to him and try to talk to him and i said thats the last thing im goin to do i told her my plan was if i see him to walk up to him..say hello pay my respects..let him know im always here for him whenever hes ready and i love him dearly and turn around..walk to the bar take a shot and leave that bar ASAP lol....only time will tell i guess...

my gut feeling with him is hes shutting everything out right now..that he has no hope or emotions left inside of him..that all he is doing is throwing himself into his business and spending time with his father..

i really hope and pray that he allows himself to see me...i really really do..but its so easy to not see me bc then he doesnt have to deal with the situation..

[fjk82]

Anybody out there....

 

Still hurting very much...

 

And more afraid then anything right now..

 

So so afraid..All I want is that chance to make it right and show him how much ive learned and how sorry I am ..And what a much better girlfriend and person all around that I really would be with him..This comes straight from the bottom of my heart..

[Ukwizard]

Fjk82. I m still here, although its 3.00am over here in the UK. I have to stress that it is not easy going through this. The feelings will die down. It took me 11 months to get over my ex. I ve been seeing other girls, but none have compared to my ex. I m sure one day, I will meet another girl that will be far superior than my ex, and then I will rid of my feelings which to me feels like a burden to me right now. Its like I can`t move on.

 

I m exactly where you are. Thats stalemate! I ve mentioned this before, and I ll mention it again. Don`t expect anything now. Its not going to happen. You know that, and so do I. Its going to take time, and maybe it will take another few months. Maybe he will come back. There`s no way one can anticipate what lies ahead in the future, but if you do something drastic, and desparate. the chances you will get back together will be slim.

 

Have you done anything constructive in the meantime. Its good to do so, as this makes time go by faster, rather than sitting at home moping about your ex.

 

Yes, mistakes happen. I know, I made mistakes along the way with my ex. Yet she still chose to leave me. She`s curretnly dating another man. I m also dating someone else. There`s no way on Earth was I going to put my life on hold, and wait for her. I told my ex that. I still know she reads my emails, and jokes, and other attachments. How? Like you Fjk82, I have access to her emails too!! When they choose to read your emails, and not reply to you it means they don`t want you in their lives right now. They don`t want to tell you things, so you can interact with them. That explains the silence, or the no reply. Does your ex delete your emails or keep them? I know for a fact about my ex`s current man has fallen out with her, and they are not speaking to each other for now. I only know through her emails. Do I jump in to get back with her? No, I do nothing because if she wanted me then, she would contact me. I know she has less feelings for me before she met her current man, but I do know she still cares for me. I broke 4 months of no contact by sending her a text, and I recieved one back within 2-3 seconds!

 

So you see, my situation is very similar to yours. My ex also blanked me, and stopped all her emails, and texts. I was in reduced contact back then until I went into NC in full for 4 months. I m going to get my foot in the door again, but one thing is for sure. I m not going to barge in.

 

I hope you are reading these posts, and working out a strategy to get him back. As you can see from mine. It took me 4 months to even get a reply. but its been tough. Back then I aslo went back to college to get some qualifications, and study hard to get my ex out of my head. It worked for 21 weeks, and to tell you the truth. I found it hard studying, and every now, and again my thoughts returned about my ex.

 

Don`t be afraid. You maybe think things will be different this time. You say you`ve learned a lot. So have I during the time I split with my ex. The only problem is that your ex might still see things will be the same. He`s really been affected by his loss, not only of his mother but also of his girlfriend. If you do get your foot in the door. You need to explain it was a mistake, and you have to communicate to him, it will never happen again. I would be doubtful, if I was him though. Like what everyone else says on LS. If they left before, then there`s always a chance they will leave a second time. If you can work your way round his insecurities, then you`re `quids` in.

[ImmaBeAlright]

ISLANDGIRL--

 

I just wanted to say thank you very much..Your kind words help me alot..I know everyone here helps me and I truly apperciate EVERYONES advice but for some reason I FEEL as though you are really looking into my situation..

 

 

THank you everyone..The time is ticking and its already Friday..So far HE HAS not written me back and thats a good thing...i really really really feel as though if he didnt want me to come see him he would have emailed me back saying DO NOT COME....nobody is comenting on that part of this story and i think that is where my bit of "hope" is coming from...bc its not hard at all to click reply and say dont come.....right?

 

I am sorry to be a downer here but you wrote him and email, telling him you are driving all the way there to go see him and he hasn't replied??? Am I the only one who doesn't see this as a good sign. Writing an email take 1 min max. Sorry to say, but him not replying is a bad sign. Reminds me of me when a guy would be hounding me, calling me and the finally calling to say "Lets meet at such and such a place". And I wouldn't reply because I'm like: WTF???? But thats just me.

[fjk82]

thats because i told him n the email that he didnt have to write me back and to just know ill be there..

 

i know him..and i know he wouldn't let me drive all that way n the dark for him not to show up. his best friends wife told me that her husband asked him about it a few days ago and told my X that if his intentions were NOT TO BE THERE he needs to tell me..he has had a week to do so and he hasn't yet so YES THATS A GOOD SIGN..trust me..i believe and im being positive..BUT he still has today and tomorrow to email me and tell me no..

[fjk82]

UK----Yes he has all of my emails still..he hasnt deleated a single one they are all still there..

[Island Girl]

I hope all is well.

 

The best thing you can do is make peace with your decision to break up (not beat yourself up anymore).

 

I hope all went well this weekend - I hope you let us know - but if it didn't I'm wishing you got to a point that it didn't throw you into a tailspin.

 

I would not - NOT - discuss your relationship with anyone he knows from now on. I know they are probably your friends too and you trust them but it is a VERY bad idea.

People have a way of screwing things up by opening their mouths intentionally and unintentionally. If you must talk do it here, talk to people he doesn't know, but leave everyone out of it.

 

I have been thinking of you this weekend. I am hoping again that something happened - you were able to at least see him or talk to him. I know the hardest thing has been the feeling of being shut out completely.

[fjk82]

Well everyone I fly up to PA tomorrow evening and its over..He sent me an email this morning..Here is what it said

 

 

[FONT=Courier New]Fallon,

 

Thank you for the card. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but I don't want to hurt your feelings. I can't come and meet you. I don't want you to drive out here for nothing, and I don't want you to be let down. Fallon, the reason that I don't respond to you all the time is because I want you to move on. I want to keep in touch, but I don't want to get back into a relationship. I am sure that you will see me again, but for now I think it is best that we keep some distance. I wish you wouldn't get my friends involved either. I don't hate tou Fallon, and I don't want to hurt you, but I also don't want to get back together. I promise that I will talk to you more if you promise to try not to talk about us getting back together. But as for Wednesday, I think that it is best hat we don't see eachother yet.

 

Adam [/FONT]

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[FONT=Courier New]So its all done and over I guess and I need to move on..I jjust really hope I dont run into him this weekend since he will b n my moms town for the psu game...im broken inside...completely dead..[/FONT]

[fjk82]

Im so sad..

 

I keep wondering if Im god is wanting us to "run" into eachother this up coming weekend bc I really really think its ODD that the 1time im visiting is the 1 time he will b n my moms town for the football game..Out of alll games of the season hes going to be to the one when Im there..its a small town there and it wouldn't be hard for us to run into eachother when out at the bars that night...im so hurt..so sad..to know that i did all of this to myself by leaving him...help me..its going to be horrible flyin up there tomorrow and seeing our old homes together and everything..this will b my first time there without him..kills me..and also to know he will be around but doesnt want to see me..

[Island Girl]

I am sorry. I know there is a major feeling of loss which unfortunately was compounded by the rollercoaster of does he or doesn't he.

 

You know how he is feeling now. He is pretty clear about what he wants. So at least you aren't sitting on the fence anymore. It may not feel like it, but you are in a better position now than not knowing.

 

There will be an adjustment period. Expect to be mourning the relationship. It is normal so don't beat yourself up for it. But you are going to have to come up with a plan of what to do now.

 

Try starting off with planning tomorrow. Just one day. If you don't feel up to leaving the house, think of things you need to do around the house. You need some little tiny achievable goals. They'll help you feel some control and you need to start feeling you have control of your life.

 

Cleaning -- at least for me -- has a really good result. And I HATE cleaning. But if I deep clean my kitchen for instance, I feel good. I look at it and I feel good and accomplishing it after I start makes me feel good.

 

You may have your own plan going on. I am just trying to offer suggestions so you do something - anything - other than sit around thinking about all of this and being miserable.

 

I feel for you. I do. I can't say I know how you feel, but I hear you. I have been touched by your feelings of what you have posted here.

 

I am sorry it didn't turn out as you'd hoped.

 

Right now it is so fresh -- but it will get better. It will take time - so expect that. It is just part of the process that there are bad days, then better days with some bad days. But soon you will have more better days than bad I promise you.

 

I hope you reach out to people in your life and let them help you too.

[fjk82]

Thank you ...

It helps to know that people out here are thinking of me and giving me their thoughts..My flight leaves to go up to PA @ 5:30PM so Im packing now..Its going to be very hard for me up there..Im still very stuck on this part that hes going to be n my moms town the only time im there...Do you think we are MENT to run into one another??...Like its easy for him to say I dont want to see you..But what if he is MENT and FORCED to see me..I just still think its a weird twist of fate..Oh hell I might not even run into him at all this weekend..

[mutts]

Your story has really had an impact on me. From a selfish point of view I hope one day my ex feels as strongly about me as you do about him. She left me, and I hope one day she has a change of heart.

 

As for this weekend, dont build up hope, (easier said than done) dont look for him when you go out, or you'll spend all night worrying you'll see him, and if you dont, you'll be in ruin, you may even feel worse. Either way you wont enjoy your night.

 

If you do run into him, please try and do this - Just say hi. You look nice. Smile and then return to your friends.

 

Dont get in a chat with him, because one minute you'll have had a plan to be really cool and breezy and aloof, then suddenly you'll have said far too much and will be banging on about getting back together.

 

He will feel SOMETHING for you if you see him, thats inevitable, but leave him with his thoughts, make him wonder where your going and who your with not the other way around.

 

It wont be easy but good luck.

[fjk82]

Thanks Mutts..

 

Thats my plan if I do see him.Walk up..Say hello..Smile and go to another bar..Just knowing hes goin to be so close to me n that town murders me..Its the worst feeling in the entire world..I miss him so so much..I almost can't even take the pain..I just dont get it..To know how much he felt for me him writing me an email n April saying he wants to make this work and to buy a house and ionce we got thru all the crap we were going thru to know he would be happy..how can he go from saying all that and begging me to stay to now not even wanting to see me..how can he be so sure..how..im dying inside..

[mutts]

Not to give you false hope, but he doesn't know how he's going to feel in 6 months and neither do you.

 

My ex has said that she doesn't think we'll ever get back together but with all due respect, how does she know whats going to happen in the future.

 

I'm in the same boat as you, I over analyse every conversation we have, and I think about what she might have meant REALLY, when she just meant what she said.

 

The wierd thing is that you know it's over and you try to move on, but inside you still hold onto that belief that they will change their mind.

If I learn how to let go of that hope I will let you know.

 

As for this weekend just keep your chin up. Get a hug from Mum and get your friends to stick with you when you go out. Dont feel bad about talking to other lads either. Dont do it cos you hope he'll see, but if someone offers to buy you a drink, let them. it might do you good to just talk with someone you don't know and doesn't know you.

 

If it's over, which for right now it seems it is, then do your best to look after yourself.

 

Thats what Im trying to do (not very good at it yet though)

One tip you could try. Every time he pops into your head, imagine a filling cabinet. Tell yourself that you'll file him away and think about him later in the day.

Then every day (to start with) allow 30 minutes in the evening to think about him.

 

Repeat everyday and eventually you'll find that you dont need 30 mins, but only 15 and then 10 and you'll also find that you dont have file him away so much.

 

Might not work for you but try it if you like.

 

Good luck sweetheart.

[Island Girl]

I agree with both of Mutts posts.

 

You look like a great girl - if one of those two in the pic is you (you don't need to confirm that or ANYTHING).

 

He can't just not feel anything for you. But there are a couple of things going on.

 

His mom died and he has all of the emotion to deal with.

 

He is being the support systerm from his dad and also watching what his dad is going through which has ramifications of it's own.

 

And he hasn't had to miss you or deal with how he's feeling because it sounds like you have talked to him a lot since then and you were crying a lot---note: men, if they are feeling like they are taking a step back, don't like crying or dealing with emotion like that. It makes them feel uncomfortable.

 

I am not trying to plant false hope. It is just reality that he doesn't know how he feels because he has waaay too much happening in the emotions catagory right now.

 

Just leave it although I know it is hard. Try to focus on getting yourself better - for yourself - and anyone you would get involved with in the future.

 

Let us know what happens. I have a feeling you are going to be just fine. Chin up.

[mutts]

Cheers Islandgirl. Hey if you get the chance could you read my topic and tell me what you think, you seem like a straight talker.

[fjk82]

ISLANDGRL--

 

Thank you..

Yes that is me and my best friend in the pic Im the one with the brown hair to the right side..

 

its really hard being up here n PA right now and i know the weekend will b worse sence hes goin to be within 5mins of me and i cant see him..

 

this is just all very hard on me..i try my best to not let it get to me but then a minute later i cant hold it in anymore..last night at dinner my mom was talking about him and how she just cant get it since she knew how he was with me and i just started crying..its so hard..i am hopin in a way i run into him this weekend because its easy to say im not goin to see her but when hes some what forced into it ex running into me on the street he can't back out of it..i want him to see me and leave him with that and his thoughts on seeing me..only time will tell n a few days..

[Island Girl]

Honestlt, I hope you don't run into him. You sound like everything is still way too fresh to be as you need to be --- cool.

 

I am concerned because ANY conversation will be a betrayal of what he asked of you.

#1 Because under his circumstances he has enough happening.

#2 Because you want him to miss you and this is a perfect opportunity to show him you listen to him and respect him.

#3 It seems when he has talked to you previously there has been drama. He is not equipped to handle that right now so it make him pull away from you and try to get away from the one thing that hurts in his life that he CAN get away from. He has enough stuff right now that he can't solve for.

 

I know you want to see him. But he doesn't. As I have said, he has A LOT going on in his head.

 

If you do see him. Please be genuine. Be courteous. But do not be familiar. I hope that makes sense.

 

Just "Hey, how are ya?" - IF you pass by him or something (and that should be only if you end up literally running into him directly in front of you. If you see him across a bar and he sees you make eye contact and smile genuinely - he'l acknowledge by a head nod or whatever -- leave it at that. Turn around and start talking to your friends happily SMILING and MOVE AWAY from him and wherever he is. If it is in a bar - hang for a short time until you can casually get your stuff and leave -- again HAPPILY. Do not shoot him a sad look, don't give him a backward glance.

 

Men do not live in an emotional world. When they feel deep emotion about something painful - they can't just keep taking more on. There is a feeling in him that he is needing to adjust before feeling much of anything else but his loss, his father's loss, and how to be a support for his father. That is why he is pouring himself into work. When he is working he is trying to just accomplish that. Work. Like a robot almost.

 

You are an attractive, sensitive, caring girl. He knows that. He remembers. Try to have more faith in who you are. You are a hard commodity to come by. Just ask a lot of the guys here.

 

Please explain why your mom says she doesn't get it because of how he was with you. How did he treat you? What is she talking about?

[fjk82]

As far as my Mom she is shocked and doesnt understand because she knew and saw how much this man loved and cared for me. He would do anything for me I was his entire life. All he wanted to do was get married and buy a house and be together forever and he was beyond serious about it. My family saw it the most n him and they knew how deeply he cared and loved me..Thats why the people that knew us best can't believe all of this and how he doesnt want to be with me again etc..

 

Hes suppose to be comin int town tonight at some point..Ill be out at the bars tonight and tomorrow but i WOULD assume that id run into him tomorrow after the psu game..i will be cool if i see him..trust me..even though i dont sound like it on here i really would be...bc i have no choice

[fjk82]

well last night my brother calls me from his work..he works at outback steakhouse...he goes u wont believe who is here waiting on a table...yup u guessed it MY X!! with his father and one of his guy friends...out of all the restaurants here they go to that one..well my brother went up to him and said hello and he said my X looked shocked and started looking all around the restarant like he was looking for me bc he prolly thought i was there since my brother was..my brother said he looked nervous and lookin all around and finally my brother said i work here and my X said ohh and calmed down..they didnt talk much at all my brother just said hi and asked how he was then he sat them at their table and left..i didnt see him out last night and didnt expect to..tonight is my last night n town so ill b out and i would assume he would to but i have no clue..im so sad..my family and i were even talkin of eating dinner at my brothers place that night and i decided not to that i wanted to stay in and eat..how crazy would that have been..so i guess im not ment to see him..im so hurt and beyond sad...i cant even feel anymore