Update Again..need Input

October 1, 2006

Perhaps it is 'not meant to be' that you run into him.

I think it is great if you don't. Under the circumstances it could just cause more difficulty between the two of you and he'd think you orchestrated it - even if you didn't.

There has been so much sadness for you and for him in your recent months. He is dealing with a lot right now.

You need to let it be. Let the embers breath for a little while.

He hasn't forgotten you. He hasn't stopped caring about you. He has been incedibly hurt by you.

That was compounded by his mothers death.

You have gotten lost yourself in the rollercoaster emotion and longing of the last few months.

What you had was love. It doesn't go away. You do not need to see the other person or talk to the other person to have it remain.

When men experience loss they withdraw sometimes. Especially if it is someone really close to them.

I am convinced the reason he does not want to see you right now because of the flood of emotion he would feel immediately. I think he knows he can't take it. I think he knows he act as an involuntary reaction instead of a conscious action.

You are beautiful, intelligent, and you obviously love him. You are not one that someone can replace. Trust in that and what you shared.

You'd be suprised at what time and space can accomplish on their own.

In the meantime you need to focus on thegirl you were before all of this. The confident, fun loving girl that you really are. Get her back to being front and center. You need that girl.

And if time works its magic and you are contacted or contact him DOWN THE ROAD because of friendship or whatever -- this is the girl he needs to be reminded of. Not the one you have been the last few times you have talked.

October 1, 2006

Well...It actually happend..I ran into my X last night...

The night started off with me and my 2 friends out at the bar..I couldn't help but catch myself looking at everyone wondering if he was there..As the night grew later I realized I wasnt ment to see him so I started drinking heavy..I had 2 pitchers of long island ice tea and then some..Well around 1:15AM we decided to leave the bar my friend was pretty drunk and I wanted to get her home..so we all get n the car and i said i was CRAVING this 1 pizza place and my friend said no i have pizza at the house and i go NOOO i want this one place NOW so we go to the pizza place..the 3 of us walk inside and its not busy yet bc the bars are still goin...well we get n line and i look ahead of me and there he is.....getting freakin pizza at the SAME PLACE I WAS...my heart dropped..well i saw his friend wisper something n his ear and my X went straight outside..then his friend turned around and saw me..we were both like woah and he had told me that he told my X to go wait for him outside..so i turn around and walk outside and i see him...his face dropped...and he looked shocked and scared and surprised all at the same time..

so i walked up to him and we hugged..we were both like wow i cant believe ur standing in front of me, etc..but the problem here is that i was pretty drunk and im sure he was to..but we were just standing there looking at eachother..asked how we were etc..then at some point he was like im glad i ran into you..and i do want to talk to you..he told me he thinks about me all of the time..and that he will always love me..and we were hugging and i said but ur not n love with me anymore and he said ill always love u..it was very sad..i still coudn't believe that he was right there n front of me hugging me ..he was like if i didnt want to talk to you i could have said hello and walked away..but i want to talk to you..i had said something along the way of talking and the subject f being friends and i go so ur saying u want me n ur life always and as a friend and he goes yes thats what i was hoping for...it killed me...he was like i need to be alone right now and do things for myself and i told him i agree with him..then he was like i do want to talk to you..maybe this week ill call you sometime this week and we can talk when we are sober..and that i just need to respect his wishes, etc and i told him i know..this went on for about 10-15mins i think and finally his friend was like we need to go get a cab , etc..so we hugged AGAIN and said goodbye...it hurt..bc i have no idea when ill ever see him again..but im still n shock that i ran into him..i guess i was ment to see him and he was ment to see me..who knows..i hope i looked ok lol..it had been raining all night and i have really long hair and i wasnt looking my best..=0(

but it happend.im on an airplane back to florida tomorrow morning..toward the end when i know we had to say goodbye and go our seperate ways i started to tear up...im sure he saw it..but i held it n until i turned around and walked away..i mean u never know..i can be there for him as a friend and maybe that wll turn back into something down the road..or maybe he really wants me as a friend and thats it forever..but i do think its weird that out of alll the people..and pizza places..i see him...even before the bars closed..fate is weird..u just never know..im justhoping i didnt make an ass out of myself and he wants to talk to me ..

October 1, 2006

So...

I know you wanted to talk to him -- I know you wanted to see him -- I am afraid of what I am reading.

I could tell you what I know should have happened but that won't help you. Because what happened already happened.

I REALLY HOPE he didn't see the tearing up but you said you're sure.

At least I will say I am glad you held in the crying.

So now what. Well, the ball is again in his court. He said he'll call sometime this week.

If he does, BE OKAY. DO NOT get into a conversation about the two of you. I know it is HARD. I know you what you feel when he begins talking about it and it is the hardest thing in the world when everything in your body is craving that - for figuring it all out - for seeing if their is hope in his words - BUT if you can't help talking too then you have to shut it down and change the subject.

Reasons why?

A few of them:

1. He will be talking from a place where he has not had the chance to step away from the relationship yet. He hasn't had enough time in normal life to figure out what it is like without you. So what he says doesn't really matter right now. He has been dealing with his life in tragedy, not normal everyday stuff. It will take time for him to get back to a feeling reminiscent of before his mom died.

2. You will be hearing his words, the way he says them, what he says, and trying to interpret any meaning behind them. You will torture yourself with this over and over again for a while. THAT isn't going to be healthy for YOU right now.

3. You are in such a vulnerable state that it will show to him. That is not attractive and the more interaction you have with him where you come off as broken. When a man is talking to a woman who is broken and wilted, he gets this kind of twinge inside. Kind of a feeling of wanting to back away.

YOU DON"T WANT HIM TO FEEL THAT WHILE HE IS TALKING TO YOU.

You want him to feel your strength. You want him to feel your empathy about his situation with his family. You want him to feel comfort and peacefulness when he is talking to you - and if it happens, happiness with yourself and your life.

That doesn't mean you do not regret choices. It means you come off as someone in control of your life and a positive attitude about the fact that you have choices and decisions you look forward to. That life is not over. You are not in a position where you are devastated and feel you can't go on.

As much as you want to make him feel and know you regret your decision and how hurt you are you aren't together, you will lead him to feel guilty that he is compounding that by not being with you. That shuts a guy down to emotion.

You do not want him shutting down to you. You have to overcome the shut down that has already happened in previous conversations where you cried, etc. Like he told you, he doesn't want more of that.

You want him reminded of why you were so great to be with. I am POSITIVE he wasn't happy to be with you because you were an emotional mess. He was with you because you were vivacious, independent, strong, fun, HAPPY. That is really who you ARE. That girl is lost right now. You need her back. For you and for any hope of this relationship or another.

And that is what he needs to feel and hear from you.

If you can't be that way when he brings up the topic, don't talk about it.

If you can't hold back things you want to say, because it is fresh - it is still VERY painful, and you are so vulnerable, I don't think you would be able to then say, "can we talk about this all of this stuff another time? I mean, I just feel like I need to step away from it for a while, okay? -- I really want to just talk - you know about other stuff other than that."

Talk about him and how he's doing. Has he been getting out other than working. Chime in with other things you might be doing other than thinking and breathing him.

I say again, you'd be suprised at what time and space can accomplish on their own.

The fire seems to be out. But there are embers there and the only way possible for them to ignite into a fire again is to give them BREATH. Oxygen. Back away - don't smother them.

You are not in your right mind right now. You are making decisions from a place of fear and pain. Everything your mind is screaming at you to do is not right. The fear and pain you are feeling is conveyed in your actions.

That is exactly what you don't want.

You want him to want to talk to you -- not dread the conversation. Even letting him go to an emotional place about the two of you isn't good. So it isn't just for you - if he talks about it and gets deeper with it, when he gets off the phone, he will feel drained - in a sense - sucked dry. You do not want him feeling that now conversations with you are going to leave him feeling that way. MEN HATE THAT. It will lead him to not want to call again.

I am sooooooooooooooo hoping you will put this in a box on the shelf right now. I know it isn't easy. But you must. For yourself. For hope of your relationship. For proceeding with friendship.

If he doesn't call - he will eventually. I know it. You may not but I do. You were too big a part oif his life and have left the door wide open. Men are funny - they truly are and he will wnat to tslk to you again, more than you know - AS LONG AS YOU LET HIM COME TO IT.

Don't call him.

Please work on yourself and your state of mind right now, vent, cry, write it out - and start trying to get back to the person you really are - not the one so caught up in all of this. You are still wonderful. You are still beautiful. You are still special. Let that girl be free again.

October 1, 2006

Oh -- this part came off kind of disjointed -- sorry

If you can't hold back things you want to say, because it is fresh - it is still VERY painful, and you are so vulnerable, I don't think you would be able to then say, "can we talk about this all of this stuff another time? I mean, I just feel like I need to step away from it for a while, okay? -- I really want to just talk - you know about other stuff other than that."

This IS what you need to say. --- So practice it if you must but the next time you talk about your relationship - you want to be in a position where you can have a calm conversation without emotion - it'll be a little while I think. This has really torn you up and you have been on emotional rollercoaster for months.

October 2, 2006

Not good. I m wondering if you just `fixed`, this scenario just to see him. I m also wondering if the pizza place you went to was also your ex`s favourite take out place?

Drinking heavily is also a big no, no. You need to keep your wits about you if, and when you `bump`, into your ex. Note the word bump is highlighted in inverted commas. I just don`t think it was such a good idea to fly all those miles just in order to arrnage an accidental meeting.

I m not from The States. I live in the UK. My ex stays 47 miles away, and we do a lot of commuting here in Scotland. Even with a distance of 47 miles. My ex and I have an unlikelihood of bumping to each other. Thats why I can`t help to think this is all premeditated.

The reason why `bumping` into someone is not a good idea is because, when my ex finished with me back in Oct 2005. She met someone in the same area as me. (remember this is a distance of 47 miles) I dated a girl in her area too, but a little closer. My mother also stayed in the same area as the ex. In fact my ex was only down the road.

When my ex stopped talking to me altogether. I emailed her mentioning that we will bump into each other. I knew it would happen, as my new girlfriend also shopped in the same shopping centre. I thought we would meet each other in the shopping centre, or in the town centre.

To cut to the chase. One day when I was travelling along the road to see my mum. I saw my ex`s car coming towards me. Its a very distintive French car. I knew it was her, because just before she stopped talking to me. She sent me a pic of her new car.

Like you Fjk82. I have access to her email account. I agree that its not good, but I found out she had been talking to her first boyfriend before me. She mentioned that I was stalking her! I mean for goodness sake. I was driving in the opposite direction as her, and yet she mis-read that, and thought I was following her! Stalking, and following someone, is completely different from driving past each other. We use the same road. Of all things I got accused for being a stalker!!

Anyway, my point is that your ex could mis-read your meeting as that too. Like I say. I m in the UK, so I have no idea how far Florida is from P.A, or where ever P.A is. We don`t abbreviate places here in the U.K.

The point is that he`s probably now thinking you`re stalking him. Going to his favourite bars, clubs, or restuarants.

well i saw his friend wisper something n his ear and my X went straight outside.

Actions like that show he`s still hurting. I don`t know your ex, but if he`s wanting to avoid confrontation then he`s the exact same thing anyone would do to avoid it. Walk away from it. Going out chasing after him is not the best move either. He`s reliving his hurt, and his fear all over again. He knows you`re interested in a second chance, but its not good to barge in like an unwanted salesman at your door.

but the problem here is that i was pretty drunk and im sure he was to.

This is what I meant. You have to stay sober, and kep you wits about you.

This is what I think. You arrnaged a accidental meeting in the hope you will get a reaction from your ex. As you go a place where you ex goes to. Its getting late, and the night is drawing to a close. You realise there`s a diminishing overall chnace of meeting your ex. So what do you do? You drown your sorrows.

I guess you haven`t learned that from whatever initial action you do, will have a reaction opposite to the effect you want in the future. Big example here is leaving you ex in the past without any explanation. Obviousily this has had an adverse reaction in the future by driving the ex away, and has still not got back with you.

then he was like i do want to talk to you..maybe this week ill call you sometime this week and we can talk when we are sober.

Always stay sober. What he says in your presence doesn`t necessary mean its true that he will do the same when he`s sober. My ex also said the same thing, and that she would call me back. This is the point where he`s still in control. Now, wha will happen next is that he won`t call for the next couple of days. In that time you will rack your mind with, why hasn`t he called? I beg you not to call him back if he doesnt call you. Give him the space he needs.

then he was like i do want to talk to you..maybe this week ill call you sometime this week and we can talk when we are sober.

Then be there for him as a friend. For now you don`t know what will happen in the future. You may meet someone else, and he may too. If you are going to be his friend though. Keep the contact reduced, and stop appearing to be needy, and clingy. People don`t like that. Remember what I ve said about friends? If you have been reading what I ve been saying in my last few posts.

but it happend.im on an airplane back to florida tomorrow morning..toward the end when i know we had to say goodbye and go our seperate ways i started to tear up...im sure he saw it..but i held it n until i turned around and walked away

Even with this meeting you are still no further foward. Like IslandGirl said. The ball is still in his court. No point analysing now, but I would have mentioned that I would have called back, and agreed a date or time. He`s going to have to call you, and with the ex`s mother`s death, and pressure from you. The call from him, might not happen.

but i do think its weird that out of alll the people..and pizza places..i see him...even before the bars closed..fate is weird..u just never know..im justhoping i didnt make an ass out of myself and he wants to talk to me

Some of us here disagree with you having to go to the place where you ex lives. Actions speak louder than words. He says he wants to talk to you, but he`s not talking to you by email anyway. He sees you in that pizza place, but just walks straight outside when his friend speaks to him?

I m confused as you are! The best thing they say on Love Shack, and thats to do nothing at all. Yeah, you can send him funny email attachments, and emails. Birthday, or Christmas cards. They (the ex) has to come back to you on their own accord. The best thing is do nothing for now. That way, you can`t go wrong.

P.s. I ve always said this...... Give it time!

October 2, 2006

Some of us here disagree with you having to go to the place where you ex lives

To Ukwizard -

Her family lives there. She was going to visit them.

They are in Pennsylvania - in the Northern United States and she now resides in Florida - in the Southern United States.

Yeah, you can send him funny email attachments, and emails. Birthday, or Christmas cards.

I would not be in touch at all until he is. He will. It will be a little while if he doesn't call as he said this week. But he'll call. You've extended friendship and he'll eventually reach out.

If necessary, you can help that along later -

For now work on yourself and recovery from the turmoil you have been through the last few months. Put all of this focus on pampering yourself and doing things for yourself.

The days will get better you'll see. It will be easier to gain some perspective. You just need time and distance from it right now.

October 3, 2006

Thanks Island Girl for reminding me about Fjk`s family being in PA. Unfortunately, I got my information lost somewhere as Fk`s posted on different threads, its hard to follow.

Her family lives there. She was going to visit them.

Hang on a moment. If her family stays in PA, then why did she up, and leave her b/f? This is not making sense?

I would not be in touch at all until he is. He will. It will be a little while if he doesn't call as he said this week. But he'll call. You've extended friendship and he'll eventually reach out.

I would have to disagree with you Island with that one. We don`t really know if he will. That maybe giving Fjk some false hope.

I have the a lot of sympathy Fjk. It took me up to 9 or 10 months before I accepted my ex was not coming back. During that time, I racked my mind wondering when she would call me, when she said she would. In fact I waited a few days, and when she did not call. I ended up calling her.

Let things simmer down for now after you `chance meeting`. All sort of thoughts must be running into your ex`s mind too!

October 4, 2006

Okay where do I begin!

UK--My X and I met and lived in PA and that is where both of our families are as well. We both moved down to Florida together 2 yrs ago that is how I ended up here. He had to go back to PA for his family business and I hated PA and didn't want to go back and he didnt want to go back either but really had no choice I guess. I thought maybe if he went back and maybe realize he wanted to be back in FL. So that is the "FL to PA" thing. When we broke up I hated PA so so much and he wasnt speaking to me so I picked up and came back to where we lived in FL to try and re build my life without him. His family lives 3 hours away from my family in PA.

Also I was n shock that I actually ran into him. Because this is something I had been talking about for 2months and BAM it happend. We both left the bars early that night and went to the same Pizza place. Keep n mind we have been together for years so we enjoyed and liked the same places so its no shock that if we were both craving pizza we would go to the same place. Im not going to not go somewhere just incase he might be there. So I didnt think anything of it all I cared about was being to drunk so I needed pizza and fast! Just so happend that he was there in the front of the line..Im trying to look at it as it was ment to be..I was ment to see him and I was ment to run into him at a place that wasn't busy. I thought Id run into him at a bar but that wasn't the case.

ISLANDGRL--

I keep wondering why we were ment to see one another..I really don't understand..Im afraid that maybe he was ment to see me to know in his heart that all of his feelings are done for me and he can finally move on..Im really really afraid of that..Your words help me so so much Island..They really do..I was reading your posts to my Mother and she 110%agreed with everything you said. Its hard bc I talk to my family and friends about this but they are not good with advice. With you its different your amazing with your words and I find myself agreeing with you all the time and at the same time there is still a bit of hope there..Im still n shock that I saw him..I wish it would have went different but its done and over with now and I can't change anything. I dont think hes going to call me..I really wish he would and its going to be very hard for me not to call or email him..All I want is him back and I feel like I ruined my chances by some of the things that were said when I ran into him Sat night. Im afraid he wont give me the chance now to be "friends" and to pick the phone up and call me because I really really wouldnt say ANYTHING about our r-ship AT ALL if he called me..Id be fully alert and n control.Unfortunally I wasn't like that Sat night when I saw him. I was wasted and Im afraid Ive ruined everything..I need help..

October 5, 2006

Okay UK --

Well - I just have to say you're a guy and although you are one, you don't seem to be familiar with manipulating situations for the good. I don't mean this disrespectfully it's just that, well, I am getting ready to lay it all out there for fjk82 so read on -- then let me know what you think.

Hey fjk82 ~

Oh my goodness. All is not lost. You are not - and that is everything.

Let me explain first where the words and ideas come from.

I've put it out there before and at somepoint I know some guy is going to blast me but here goes...

I was a master in relationships with men. My whole life I have been able to get any guy - ANY guy to love me. I know men, and I know how to be in relationships with men. I know how to make them love me -- but I didn't love them.

I was a messed up girl - one of those that guys have complained about on LS. I would go out with a guy and it would seem like everything was going great - I always thought the next guy who loved me would be "the one" so I would do all the right things - and he'd love me and then I would just move on. My nickname was actually "maneater". Not something I am proud of now because these men got hurt.

It wasn't a conquest thing. Not at all. I was just really messed up. I really didn't love myself and hadn't spent anytime by myself to get to know myself. There was always another guy to make me feel better.

I didn't set out to hurt them but they would get hurt. Sometimes over and over again - which is why I feel so badly for the guys on here who describe themselves as feeling like a yo-yo. One day it is great, then it is over, then she comes back for a minute, then over. I just was selfish, immature, and screwed up from childhood things.

But I met a man who wouldn't just be heartbroken and go away. I mean, I had created a stalker before etc.

But with this last guy I was at a turning point and I thought - he loves me. And, "well I care about him as much as anybody I guess" and I married him.

I would have stuck it out probably but I wasn't happy. He knew it. And he turned to drugs. He had a problem years before and I guess it was an easy fix for him. Just like getting a man to love me was for me. -- Well, anyway, he wouldn't leave. He just wouldn't go. So I left and then he proceeded to duck the servers who were trying to serve him with divorce papers. He literally would run from them, or jump in his truck and leave job sites, etc. It took forever to get him served.

I didn't date anyone because I didn't want to bring them into a messed up situation (see I had the best intentions, really) so I was alone for the first time.

And I thought about everything for a while. I decided I was probably broken in some way. That is why I never really loved anyone. So I made a bunch of rules for dating me and the guy would get the list at the verry start. I stuck with the rules and the first time a guy broke them he was gone. No longer did I try to get involved either - everything was kept on a very light level.

I got to know myself for the first time.

Then I met a guy who just kept suprising me by never being predictable. Well, that over-simplifies it quite a bit. But I fell in love with him. Head over heels. And he was a total player before he met me (he was a professional Rugby player and I guess there are a lot of fans...) but it was the same for him. Now we're married.

So -- this brings me to my point.

I know men. I know that a man that loved you that much still cares.

Whether he will come all the way back, I don't know. I don't know how bad it was at the end or if it. Was there screaming, hurtful things being said, etc.? Not that those things are not immpossible to overcome either but if it was bad - he seems to be pretty level headed and it could be difficult.

So as it stands now with as much as I know right now. --

Get yourself together. Do things that make you feel strong. Part of why I was successful at breaking up with men and getting them back if I wanted was because I was never weak. I never lost myself over them. Even now, with my husband, I still am myself.

So - now that I have a clear head, an understanding of what love really is, and how much I hurt people. I am trying to, as my friends say, use my powers for good. That is let other people benefit from what I know to be true and what I KNOW (from first hand experience) WORKS.

Remeber, you are not replaceable. He'll NEVER find another girl like you. Never. He'll never share all of those years with someone else. No. All of those memories are with you. When he thinks about anything in those years, it will lead him to think of you.

I hope he doesn't call for a while. Time does funny things. It allows bad things to become less and less memorable. Good things become stronger.

At the end it seems there was a lot of crying and talking and talking and crying. Men HATE that. They feel beaten and defeated even if there was resolution. They just don't want to do it again so when it happens again it shuts them down even more.

He was in this state - of trying to just shut down - and then his mother passed. Men can't handle a lot of emotional turmoil. One huge thing going on is essentially too much. They can handle it but that's about all they can handle. So if another situation that is emotionally charged that they can shut out; they do.

So the combination of the types of conversation you were having with him and then his mom passing. Well, he HAS to deal with his grief. So what is he going to shut down? - BUT it doesn't stay shut down.

Will he call? He probably won't this week. Don't feel deflated. This is the natural order of things. You showed him you are vulnerable and stuck. He hasn't really had to think about really being apart from you because you have still been around. YOU have felt the pain and the sting but he really hasn't felt the void yet. And he can't right now. But he will. He will miss you. I am not saying this will drive him to come back. You can make up your mind about that later.

The biggest mistake people make in relationships is acting out of desperation. It is not attractive from a man or a woman. Fear and anxiousness push them into action. Yet the things they do are the wrong things. They aren't coming from a good place and the other person feels that and gets pushed further away. Slowly there are phone calls you want to avoid, and heaven forbid there are meltdowns in front of you. That person just becomes a person you are not looking forward to seeing or talking to.

Who do you want to spend time with? Someone who makes you feel good, who is happy, positive (for the most part), motivated, etc.

That is what you need to be. It is for you more than for anyone else. Fake it till you make it if you have to but just do it. Start when you read this. refuse to waste time crying over spilt milk so to speak.

Get yourself back to being YOU.

You'll know when you have attained that. You will be free again. That doesn't mean you don't love him anymore. Who knows how you'll feel then. But you will not be trapped in a circle of pain and self doubt.

You may decide that YOU feel too much has happened. You may not want HIM back at that point. Or, while you are out and about being your confident self, you may meet someone else.

There is NO RUSH. Time is on your side. Please please believe me. That slipping away feeling that you have been having is your loss of control, your regret, and your self battering all wrapped up more than it has been about him.

I am not saying you don't regret what happened or you don't miss him. I know you do. The self-destruction is what you have to step away from to gain some perspective.

WHEN you are more back to your old self - that is when -- if you still want him back, that you make your decisions.

Until then do not talk to people he knows. As long as you feel crummy and not vibrant and energenic - don't talk to them at all. You are busy. You have so much going on. Just say whatever you have to.

When you feel yourself - you call them. Happy and asking all kinds of questions about THEM and what THEY are doing. NOTHING about him. If his name comes up, you listen (I block it out) and then smoothly steer the subject another direction. Believe me, he'll hear about how great your doing. And because all people loooooove talking about themselves most of all, you will create alliances in those same people.

After that the next time you go up there - when you are back to being you - you are EVERYWHERE looking great, feeling great having fun. See all of those people, but NOT him. Then go home.

The next time you go up there you run into him. You are looking fantastic, feeling great - that is what he gets to see.

Then you talk to him, very matter of fact, that there was so much going on during this time that you just don't know what happened, etc. short vague and then on to him and what he's doing. Ask questions and be interested. Make sure you make him laugh with you a few times. Mention, "see this is what I miss about you my friend!" kind of tender, kind of happy like you are happy to be doing this again. Then cut and leave.

Well - you get the idea I hope. It is work to get him back girlfriend. For sure.

You didn't 'poof' get into that deep of relationship. It took time. You just have to remember that it wasn't just 'poof' done. A lot went into the breakup. So a lot goes into the make up.

Whew. I guess that is enough for tonight. Let me know what you think of what I've said here.

It is given with the best of intentions for you. All women are special creatures. You are beautiful, sweet, and smart. One in a million honey. One in a million. You knew it in that picture I see of you. Just work on getting that girl front and center and YOU'LL BE FINE.

October 5, 2006

Hmm...Very good and interesting post..I see alot of myself in you..I use to be that girl..That toyed with men for a long time and that is what I see myself doing right now after my break up because Im trying to use them to get my mind off of my X..Trust me I know this isn't good by any means..But for some reason I can't help myself..

Island when you said this..

"You may decide that YOU feel too much has happened. You may not want HIM back at that point. Or, while you are out and about being your confident self, you may meet someone else."

Im afraid that is exactley WHAT HE IS DOING..Im so afraid of that and it kills me. I know I need to work on myself but I have NO idea when Ill ever see him again. Its very rare that I go up to PA..My family normally comes here because its Florida and all..I dont go there for Christmas my entire family goes to DC area and his family always travels to a different country normally n the caribiean (cant spell it)..All of "his" friends live up in PA byy his house remember his family lives 3 hours away from my mom n PA) so I dont see how Ill ever run into him again. This past one was total fate..ment to be..but why..why did we run into eachother island... i can't figure it out girl..

i just need to keep myself busy i guess..cleaning my house (hate doing that) getting organized..going out with friends and staying busy with work i guess..but i dont know how much of that i can take..its hard not to email him or call him and its killing me to know what hes thinkin about running into me sat night..did he have a BAD feeling about it? thats why he wont call..its killing me when he says "friends" wtf how can we just be friends..theres no way..yes i know ill take that and not give him any crap about it but in the inside of my heart ill be dying..i guess im just waiting for him to give me that chance to talk to me on the phone..its been almost 6 months so what makes me think he will do it now??? just because he saw me the other night when i looked like CRAP!! =0(

October 5, 2006

also do you have myspace by chance?

October 5, 2006

Hi Island,

Thanks for the feedback. No `disrepectfulness`, taken lol. I m entitled to my opinions, and so are you. We`re just talking like normal adults.

No one on here is going to "blast", you for your opinion Island.

I have to disagree with the so called manipulation situations. You can`t manipulate someone to come back to you. Relationships, aren`t games, and we`re certainly not in the playground.

I've put it out there before and at somepoint I know some guy is going to blast me but here goes...
I was a master in relationships with men. My whole life I have been able to get any guy - ANY guy to love me. I know men, and I know how to be in relationships with men. I know how to make them love me -- but I didn't love them.
I was a messed up girl - one of those that guys have complained about on LS. I would go out with a guy and it would seem like everything was going great - I always thought the next guy who loved me would be "the one" so I would do all the right things - and he'd love me and then I would just move on. My nickname was actually "maneater". Not something I am proud of now because these men got hurt.

It wasn't a conquest thing. Not at all. I was just really messed up. I really didn't love myself and hadn't spent anytime by myself to get to know myself. There was always another guy to make me feel better.

I didn't set out to hurt them but they would get hurt. Sometimes over and over again - which is why I feel so badly for the guys on here who describe themselves as feeling like a yo-yo. One day it is great, then it is over, then she comes back for a minute, then over. I just was selfish, immature, and screwed up from childhood things.

But I met a man who wouldn't just be heartbroken and go away. I mean, I had created a stalker before etc.
But with this last guy I was at a turning point and I thought - he loves me. And, "well I care about him as much as anybody I guess" and I married him.
I would have stuck it out probably but I wasn't happy. He knew it. And he turned to drugs. He had a problem years before and I guess it was an easy fix for him. Just like getting a man to love me was for me. -- Well, anyway, he wouldn't leave. He just wouldn't go. So I left and then he proceeded to duck the servers who were trying to serve him with divorce papers. He literally would run from them, or jump in his truck and leave job sites, etc. It took forever to get him served.

I didn't date anyone because I didn't want to bring them into a messed up situation (see I had the best intentions, really) so I was alone for the first time.

And I thought about everything for a while. I decided I was probably broken in some way. That is why I never really loved anyone. So I made a bunch of rules for dating me and the guy would get the list at the verry start. I stuck with the rules and the first time a guy broke them he was gone. No longer did I try to get involved either - everything was kept on a very light level.
I got to know myself for the first time.

Then I met a guy who just kept suprising me by never being predictable. Well, that over-simplifies it quite a bit. But I fell in love with him. Head over heels. And he was a total player before he met me (he was a professional Rugby player and I guess there are a lot of fans...) but it was the same for him. Now we're married.

And the moral of the story is? I m sorry Island, but I m kinda lost here. I don`t know if you can help me out, but Fjk is different from your story. Maybe you can make any man love you. I think that`s a very tall order. Remember Fjk`s story. She left him, its not like she can make any man love her. Not EVERY woman can make a man love her. It depends on how WEAK the man is. Not every man is not prepared to get walked over like a door mat. Anyway, Fjk situation is she left him, not wants him back, but he doesn`t want to come back any time soon.

He`s either not sure, or he`s scared to get back in case she leaves again.

Remeber, you are not replaceable. He'll NEVER find another girl like you. Never.

Well, okay fair enough. That still doesn`t explain why he hasn`t decided to come back. If he will never find another girl other than her, then why isnt he with her?

I hope he doesn't call for a while. Time does funny things. It allows bad things to become less and less memorable. Good things become stronger.

I have to agree with you here Island. I`ve always said give it time. Don`t go emailing him, or phoning him all the time. It can be stressful for the dumpee too. Like I ve said in my previous post, and maybe not on this thread. I mean would you call your best friend every day! Would you want to be with them all the time? No, you wouldn`t because you know that they will always be there. The problem with g/f, b/f relationships is that things are different. There`s more emotional attachment. Its natural to chase after something thats been lost. Fix a realtionship thats broken, and I agree here with Island, and as I ve said before;

The biggest mistake people make in relationships is acting out of desperation. It is not attractive from a man or a woman. Fear and anxiousness push them into action. Yet the things they do are the wrong things. They aren't coming from a good place and the other person feels that and gets pushed further away. Slowly there are phone calls you want to avoid, and heaven forbid there are meltdowns in front of you. That person just becomes a person you are not looking forward to seeing or talking to.

I ve always said, go out and do other things. There is no point moping about a lost love. No one is attracted to that.

Anyway, like in the beginning. Yes, I have to admit. I am no good at manipulating situation. I m not here to do that. I ve lost my ex g/f, and did the exact same thing Fjk done. Chase after a lost love. I didnt cry or beg, but I did a fair bit of texting, and phoning, but not overly persistant.

The thing is, you can`t manipulate someone to come back to you. You can`t manipulate love. Maybe you, Island, can make any man love you, but if you do that, you`re only manipulating yourself, and your conning people to come to you which I don`t think its right.

THEY HAVE TO COME BACK TO YOU, by their own accord. There`s nothing here I ve said has been any different. All I ve said was to back off a little, do other things, get busy, see other friend, relatives, and take your time getting back together. Everything Fjk has done, although not entirely wrong. It just wasn`t necessary. Every phone call, accidental meeting may actualling push him further away. Hasn`t anyone thought, or failed to have mentioned that her ex told her not to go to PA, and his friend telling her to "move on".

I was told by my younger brother not to contact my ex too much. I didnt listen, and after 3 months, she got fed up, and my ex`x best friend told me to back off in a nice way.

I ve been, and probably still am in Fjk Situation, and thats why I m giving my side of the story, and opinion too. Except I beginning to get my foot through the door again. My ex stopped talking to me altogether. Now I don`t want that to happen to Fjk too.

When my ex stopped talking to me. I went straight into NO CONTACT for 4 months on the telephone, and texts. I did, however send her the occasional funny email, or attachment. After 4 months of NC. I sent her a text about a TV show she might be interested in. Whoa, and behold she sent me a text back!

In that time, I went back to college, took up dancing lessons, dated 2 other girls, and just 2 moths ago, I passed my exams. Hopefully I m going to get myself into a new career.

Where is my ex now. She`s still dating other men! I know that I`m a better man than I was after my ex g/f dumped me. I ve developed myself, and have become stronger. One day, I might get a call from my ex asking for me back. She will be saying what have I been up to. I wouldn`t want to say. "Sitting here waiting for you to come back!"

No one wants that! It shows that you are dependant on them to be happy. You want to tell that you have changed. Done this, and done that. Maybe that call may be in the next few days, weeks, month, year, or maybe not at all. Do you really want to be sitting thinking of your ex 24/7, or do you want to go out, and enjoy yourself.

What you have to remember is Fjk left her b/f. She wants a second chance, but her b/f isn`t showing any real signs or motivation to come back.

He`s already been pushed away by persistance. Do nothing for now. If you do nothing, then nothing can go worng. If he misses you he will call. If he doesn`t, then you don`t know if he will. He may never find a girl like you, but don`t sit around, and wait because he may never come back anyway.

October 6, 2006

UK -

I guess maybe I didn't type clearly enough.

I stated I did manipulate men. I did get them to come back over and over. I was the dumper -- as in Fjk's situation.

I never said I was happy. In fact I believe I stated the opposite.

I said I wasn't proud of what happened. But I can't change that now.

A relationship is a dance - not a game. I didn't say I play games. I AM, however, a VERY good dancer. A partner steps back - the other steps forward and it is a constant changing thing.

Understanding the basics of what behavior is attractive and what is unattractive is my specialty.

You state your ex contacted you after several texts and e-mails. But she is still dating other men. But she is still dating other men.

-- I am glad you aren't waiting around and have dated others and I do not mean disrespect but that has never happened to me.

Two men in my lifetime broke up with me. My very first boyfriend. He came back begging 4 months later and it was on again off again at my choosing for 3 years after. The other was just a guy I dated for a couple of weeks. Not really a boyfriend I suppose. But he came back 4 years later and wanted to see eachother again. I didn't take him up on that.

As far as this situation goes -- he was extremely hurt and then his mom passed away. I am extremely sure he is not considering any relationship now. He has enough on his plate.

It isn't the same situation as yours, is it? Did you dump your girlfriend and then decide you had made a mistake? That is the basic foundation here.

If you are the dumpee - it is different. You also say you went NO CONTACT but you were still contacting her. So that isn't NO CONTACT.

Also, I have never said or implied that anyone should be WAITING.

I think Fjk knows that. Her responses indicate she does. What I recommend is the exact opposite of sitting around and waiting.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If not, just to clarify, FJK82 - Don't sit around and wait.

Essentially UK and I are saying the same thing about what you should do at this point. Live, get out, have fun, and get back to your old self.

Where we differ is that he states it is okay to contact as long as it is not too much. -- That is not No Contact. That is some contact.

I say don't contact at all. He has had enough contact for now. Your emotional state will not lend itself to casual conversation or friendly sounding texts, etc. The way your mind is working even the way your words would be put together will come off as desperate or longing. That is not who you want to be. That is not someone you would want to be with right? So get out of the turmoil. Just step out of it for a while. Try not to think about it. It will be hard at first. But you just get through day to day. Plan as much as you can to fill your days with things you like. Stay busy.

I think you understand me FJK - I am sure you do.

Nope I don't have myspace. Sorry about that. But I'm here.

October 6, 2006

any advice for me, here's my situation:

i went out for a drink with another guy while i was in a relationship w/my boyfriend who was very good to me and whom I was believe it or not falling in love with. Go figure why I would do something that risky. Anyhow, he found out/heard about it, and i couldn't bring myself to tell him about it when he asked. So I lied, that is the part he can't handle. He was crazy about me and i know i hurt him deeply and made him scared to trust me. i know i was wrong and am embarassed by my actions and wish i could do anything to take it away, but i can't now and just hope there is some chance i can gain his trust back. he broke up with me about a month ago and since then we have seen each other every week (not planned we keep running into each other when we go out). We have talked, had dinner one night, said some good things to one another, but i think he is afraid to give me another chance because what would make him think i'd be any different a few months down the road and not look around again. I think he feels very insecure now or as if I don't think he is good enough. I know i have some committment issues when it comes to being in long term relationships, i haven't physically cheated but it's just as bad I guess to even being thinking about ti when you have someone that is devoted to you. It is almost as if after 3 or 4 months i get scared when someone starts to get more serious w/me so i look for new options as a way out. i went to a therapist the entire time i was in this relationship because i really did like this guy and was trying so hard to prevent myself from getting scared, so i wanted to talk about it before it happened. I am continuing to go in order to deal with this issue...i think i have this tendency towards perfectionism which causes me to find fault with everything, (not just relationships) but i am working on it.

This really stinks because i know i was just being stupid and asserting my independence when there was no need for it. He was a good guy and I could have worked through it with him. Now I don't know if he wants to even try to work on it. I was happy, falling in love, and was scared, am scared and do very stupid things when i start to feel that way. anyhow, now he just needs time to figure out how he feels about all of this and keeps saying he just doesn't know what he wants. I think he wants to see if I mean what i say and am not just upset because we broke up...I think he wants to see if i will remain committed to building back his trust, and if i genuinely want to be with him and only him. I do more than anything and want to show him i am sorry and would like to start over.

do you/anyone have any recommendations for what i should do to not push him away further and how i can show him that i truly am sorry? I would like to show him that I want to work on gaining his trust back and show him how much i want him in my life and that i want to make things work. We had a good relationship, a really good one, until i freaked and did this behind his back. We just worked,we had a good connection on so many levels, want the same things, love the same things, have the same way of looking at things. We never really argued about anything, it was easy comfortable and just what i wanted. So why do you ask am I such an idiot?

He is one of those guys who doesn't fall very often or hard for a girl and i guess he really did with me and that is why he is taking it so hard. I think he is usually the one that does the running but this time the tables were turned and perhaps he met his match. I don't know. Trust is a big deal, i know this. I don't want to be unrealistic, but I truly think that if we can work it out together and he shows me that forgiveness is possible and second chances do happen, i can show him that I love him and only him and that I am ready to grow up and stop being so afraid (and so selfish and so stupid...).

October 7, 2006

Hi Island

I like your post. There`s a lot of sense, and truth in there.

Understanding the basics of what behavior is attractive and what is unattractive is my specialty.

I definitely agree with that statement. Its how we present ourselves that will determine if our ex will want us back. All the contacting, phoning, and texting can be very hard work for Fjk`s ex. I know this because when my ex dumped me. She told me she wanted some "space", and the usual "its not you, its me", line.

So I gave her space. I acted like a mature adult, and gave her the space she needed. We still talked through out the time of our split, and I m glad I did have some contact with her.

It isn't the same situation as yours, is it? Did you dump your girlfriend and then decide you had made a mistake? That is the basic foundation here.
If you are the dumpee - it is different. You also say you went NO CONTACT but you were still contacting her. So that isn't NO CONTACT.

I didn`t actually suggest that my situation is the same as Fjk`s. I was only giving her advice. I m wasn`t going to use my situation as a template for her. Every situation is different. Where we tend to be similar is that we want our ex`s back. We are now in a LDR. Our ex`s don`t want to come back anytime soon. We have access to their emails. We acted persistant on the beginning to get out ex`s back.

I m try to show her, how she might push her ex further away. I m not sure if Fjk is stll being persistant. The more persistantly you contact them, the further they (ex) will walk in the opposite direction. The reason how I know this is because, I m like Fjk. After 2 months of `giving space`, to my ex, I began to panic. I started to become persistant with my contact. Started to text, and phone a lot more. During that time I never, begged, or cried for my ex to come back.

They have to come back to you. This is where I m glad I had some contact with my ex.

I have to apologise. I shouldn`t have said NC, but reduced contact. Its during this time when we were still talking on the telephone did I begin to get some answers off her for what went wrong in our relationship. Thats why I m in favour of reduced contact, because you get the chance to talk things over.

Essentially UK and I are saying the same thing about what you should do at this point. Live, get out, have fun, and get back to your old self

Yes, we are, and I can see where all this can lead to unless Fjk can decide to go either NC, or reduced contact. Which ever way she does decide. Its important to look after yourself, and get busy with yourself.

Its going to be 12 months on the 28 Oct. The date last year in 2005 my ex left me. I ve learned a hell of a lot. I know my ex does not hate me. I know my ex like Fjk`s situation keeps, all the funny emails, and attachments I send her. What she does delete is the few heart breaking emails I sent her, and how I felt about her.

I`ve learned nothing lasts forever, and I ve only recently found out my ex has called it quits to her recent boyfriend. Shes giving up dating for now. To date 6 men in around 18 months (although I think its a little bit longer than 18 months) is just wrong. Most people would be happy with the 2nd, or 3rd date.

My relationship wasn`t that great. I never lied, or cheated. Yet my ex still left me. She`s looking for something "spectacular", and said to me "if something else comes along, I`ll take it".

Well, she did, and that didnt last. The grass wasn`t greener after all. I d love to say this to my ex, but I m not going to. I m going to be respectful to her, and be sympathetic. If thats what she wanted then thats fine. I going to win her back. Out of all the men she has dated. I ve been the longest at 7 months. My ex was married for 10 years, and her marriage was a huge let down.

I m not going to wait for her. Maybe I will meet so much better than her. Except my ex was something else. She loved me like no other. I lost the level of the flame from her. There is an old chinese saying that what is lost, can always be found. RC is part of that.

I know I can be a better person than I was last year. The thing is like with Fjk. She has to convince her ex to take her back. Its all about communication, and finding out what each other wants. NC doesnt work here because it will be a like a game of chess where its "satle mate".I m trying to get my foot in the door again, and start communicating with my ex. Its going to take a long time, and maybe we will meet someone far superior from our ex`s. Maybe it will never happen.

What I believe is that she (Fjk) still has a chance. Her ex hasn`t actively gone out to dating websites, and advertise himself. My ex did. What she may have to deal with in future, is finding out her ex b/f is getting emails from a new woman. Now that will be heart rendering. This happened to me, when I found out my ex was getting to know men on the web. So going back to what Island said,

Understanding the basics of what behavior is attractive and what is unattractive is my specialty.

I decided to change my whole behaviour. I stopped with all the desparate heart rendering emails, asking what went wrong. I ve stoppped being persistant. I m going to be fun, and bundle of laughs.

I want to be remembered as the fun one, and the serious one when the time comes. No one wants someone hanging about, and being persistant to get back with them. Its like they are dependant on you for their happiness.

October 7, 2006

Hi Island

I like your post. There`s a lot of sense, and truth in there.

Thank you. I liked yours too. Really -- I am venturing to say some things about your relationship. I understand you are happy now with the way it goes but I see some things - and you seem VERY open minded so here goes.

Its how we present ourselves that will determine if our ex will want us back. All the contacting, phoning, and texting can be very hard work for Fjk`s ex. I know this because when my ex dumped me. She told me she wanted some "space", and the usual "its not you, its me", line.

Very common. Said this one or something like it quite often. Usually when the "itchy feet" started.

Let me first tell you ---- and everyone in CyberSpace ----

THIS IS TRUE. So much is put out there that it is a line -- but when you think about it -- seriously think - IT IS THEM.

Usually by the time this is said there has been a deterioration in the relationship. One person is pulling back a bit and the other person has has been feeling like something is slipping away. This happens for a little while and then, inevitably, "it's not you it's me".

When someone says that - the other person should look at them and say, "you're right. It is you. We had a good thing going but you are so messed up that you have been working on sabotaging it. I am so happy I have the capacity to truly care about someone and stick through it. I am not bitter. I just really hope that you can resolve whatever it is in you that causes you to run from relationship to relationship. They all haven't worked out for you. The one common denominator is you. If I kept losing job after job after job -- I would start thinking, 'What is MY problem?!". So good luck with that.

Then you LEAVE. No talking about what happened, etc. Just no contact. At that point there isn't much damage done from desperation.

Most of that damage is done after the break up. I suppose it is a natural feeling - or compulsion. To just try and try to talk and get back to where you were. But that is THE mistake. The biggest mistake.

When it has been really good for a while - and bad for a little bit - that person (the confused, totally screwed up one) remembers the good. And whatever self repect the dumpee sacrificed near the end was minimal and regained by walking away. The attitude of "your loss" goes a long way. Believe me.

That is exactly why I say NC. Anything you do or say will have that twinge behind it. You might think you are just being light-hearted and carefree in any contact (i.e. e-mails, texts, etc.) but, trust me it doesn't come off that way to the dumper. There is too much that has gone on before that. It is read into every action made by the dumpee.

Until a person gets their head on straight - feels again like you did when you met. That their opinion doesn't make or break you. You are youir own man/woman secure and well adjusted and ENJOYING life. THEN the contact starts and not directly, maybe an orchestrated run in (which after so long of no contact does not seem planned) or contact with mutual friends. You are doing grrreat -- and that is what you let them see. They remember how great you are and when you leave the thoughts creep in that they miss you and all of those memories. Creep creep creep. That creep and the inevitable "itchy feet" the DUMPER always has felt in relationships is the DUMPEE'S friend!

They have to come back to you.

They will be thinking "did I make a huge mistake?!!!! OMG! What WAS I thinking?!"

They won't know because they never know why they do what they do. They just bolt when there is some internal twinge or they feel like the person they are with is too dependant. -- But YOU aren't dependant, you are well adjusted and strong. Here he/she comes running back. Sometimes it doesn't even take a run in - just the complete NC drives them back. But it can't be immediately, that is just yo-yoing and they are just as confused as ever after the break up.

I shouldn`t have said NC, but reduced contact. Its during this time when we were still talking on the telephone did I begin to get some answers off her for what went wrong in our relationship. Thats why I m in favour of reduced contact, because you get the chance to talk things over.

I know you were driven for answers. But any answers you get aren't the truth. She/he might even really believe they are the truth. It isn't. The not you, it's me -- the immature break up - the running from relationship to relationship --- the problem lies within them. That person you're talking to doesn't know that. Can't put their finger on it. If you listen to what they are saying closely, that is why sometimes there is a lot of 'double talk'.

I`ve learned nothing lasts forever

This is exactly why I say you have time. The flakey weird ones that seem to break up for no reason saying something like "it's not you it's me" --- don't worry they are moving on and dating --- they're just going to run again. They'll have a break up (or a lot of break ups) so there is always another shot if YOU still want THEM.

As long as you haven't destroyed the path back to you by repeated desperate contact. --- Another reason NC.

and I ve only recently found out my ex has called it quits to her recent boyfriend. Shes giving up dating for now. To date 6 men in around 18 months (although I think its a little bit longer than 18 months) is just wrong.

You bet. It is wrong. Again, CLASSIC. She is messed up. Really. I am not trying to put her down. She just has a lot to figure out. Good she doesn't date for a while. She'll get better, faster, alone.

This is GREAT news for you if you can play your cards right. - And provided the reduced contact haven't put you in the permanent 'Friendzone'.

My relationship wasn`t that great. I never lied, or cheated. Yet my ex still left me. She`s looking for something "spectacular", and said to me "if something else comes along, I`ll take it".

Again, not YOU it is HER. She doesn't have any idea of what she wants. She is a kid in a candy store dazzled by the aray of diffent kinds of candies. The one in the jar always has the possibilty of tasting better than the one in her mouth. Hopefully she has now made herself sick so she'llstop and get a grip so she won't hurt anyone else while she straightens her selfish azz out!

I going to win her back. Out of all the men she has dated. I ve been the longest at 7 months. My ex was married for 10 years, and her marriage was a huge let down

I have a feeling she hasn't dealt with how lost she felt when it ended. Even if she was the one that ended it, if she wasn't alone for a while AFTER - the rule of thumb is a month for every year they were together - then she hasn't found HERSELF again.
My guess is she wasn't alone for a while. Am I right?

She is lost running around not knowing what exactly she is looking for. It may not seem like it but it is a self esteem and maturity issue of sorts as well.

I m not going to wait for her. Maybe I will meet so much better than her. Except my ex was something else. She loved me like no other.

Ahhh yes. This is true. Those messed up girls. They can make you feel like superman, can't they? Like everything is perfection. --- Remember, I was JUST LIKE HER. Now do you know what I am talking about when I say I can get anyone back? I know how to instill THAT feeling. The one you still have when you think about her.

But I have had time to be reformed - to mature - to realize what I have in myself so that even alone, I am content.

THAT time is why I am HAPPILY MARRIED TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE now. He is a reformed player as well. And we are really, really, deeply in love.

So there is hope for her...

I lost the level of the flame from her. There is an old chinese saying that what is lost, can always be found. RC is part of that.

True - true - true!

I always say time is your friend. I just don't agree with the RC part.

The thing is like with Fjk. She has to convince her ex to take her back. Its all about communication, and finding out what each other wants.

Nope - he was with her. She was what he wanted. The only thing that changed was that she broke up with him. She needs to find herself again. Her real self that has plenty of self-esteem to spare, is fun and lively - secure.

Not desperate
Not needy
Not sad
Not settling
Not unfulfilled

NC doesnt work here because it will be a like a game of chess where its "stale mate".

NC is time to regroup.

NC is to give a person, usually the DUMPER (but in FJK82's case it is the DUMPEE) time to FORGET the emotionally charged talking that feels like a pressure cooker, the crying, the questioning, and/or - the feeling of being clung to and suffocated, etc.

NC is to give a person, usually the DUMPEE time to get back much needed perspective, time to realize life goes on, it is NOT the end all be all, it is NOT worth sacrificing YOURSELF for - and that it is ridiculous to chase someone who is so stupid that they broke up with YOU -- and look how GREAT you are! Time to get that confidence you had in spades when they met you.

Then you make your decisions about what you want and how you are going to go about getting it.

I m trying to get my foot in the door again, and start communicating with my ex.

How long has it been since NC...? This and the communication a short time before you went NC will determine your next move.

What I believe is that she (Fjk) still has a chance. Her ex hasn`t actively gone out to dating websites, and advertise himself. My ex did. What she may have to deal with in future, is finding out her ex b/f is getting emails from a new woman. Now that will be heart rendering. This happened to me, when I found out my ex was getting to know men on the web.

It is heart rendering. But it doesn't really mean anything. It just proves she is lost. And thinking the solution is out there when it is not. It wasn't anything to do with you. You are the best guy she's been with (and measured up that means you're pretty terrific because I can guarantee there has been a lot of good guys she has dated) -- and you, my man, lasted the longest.

To you that may not mean anything. Having been like her (but WAAAAY worse) I can tell you that tells me you are one hell of a boyfriend.

I decided to change my whole behaviour. I stopped with all the desparate heart rendering emails, asking what went wrong. I ve stoppped being persistant. I m going to be fun, and bundle of laughs.
I want to be remembered as the fun one, and the serious one when the time comes. No one wants someone hanging about, and being persistant to get back with them. Its like they are dependant on you for their happiness.

PERFECT

ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. If it is not her, someone out there is going to get the catch of a lifetime.

October 7, 2006

hi everyone..im having a very rough time tonight...all i ever think about is him..i live and take my life day by day but how much longer can i do this..i can't take it..i have NOT called him or emailed or nothing..and of course he didn't call me like he said he would when he ran into me last weekend..why would he even say that to me..why would he even say he thinks of me all the time..why why why...how can he be done with me without giving it a second chance..hes very strong minded and when he puts his mind to something its done..im heartbroken..i know in the depth of my soul that hes not coming back and it kills me bc i try to have hope bc i know much different i would be..it sickens me to know that i did this to myself and to him..

tonight my best friend sarah moved into her "new" apartment..and guess where it is everyone..the same apartment complex and SAME FLOOR PLAN as the one that me and my X moved nto when we moved to florida..ive been dredding this to know i had to help her move and it killed me when i walked in the door..flooded with more memories and how happy and excited we were when we first moved in and all the memories of living there for 2yrs..when i left her apartment i had to drive past the exact one we lived in to get to the gate to leave the complex...god it hurt so bad...does he hurt like this? no...but then again he has more important things going on like the loss of his mother...how how how...how can he not want to give me another chance..he seems so sure in it and hes not showing any intention of wanting me back at all..all he shows is for me to move on without him and he still wants to keep n contact with me as friends..im dead inside..in tears...its not fair...people make mistakes..and i can't do anything about it...i ruined my life and lost the most important thing in my entire life....im empty..

October 7, 2006

Hello fjk82.

He said he'd call because he thinks he should have and because he does sometimes want to. But right now all of the crying and emotional talking and talking is something he is not willing to deal with right now.

He has enough emotional stuff on his plate. It is awful for you but please, you said you love this man, it is not even about YOU. Please don't internalize all of this and stay in this desperation. It feels so incredibly real but most of the wrap up is the other side of the emotional talking and crying. You have lost a bit of your perspective.

Look at yourself. You are beautiful and obviously you have a HUGE heart. You love him. You remember being happy with him. He remembers those things too. They are shared memories. You just have to step back and quit driving yourself crazy sweetheart! When you think about the relationship and him - think about this:

1. He can't even think about a relationship right now.

2. He can't even think of getting into a conversation where he thinks about or has to hear how badly you are feeling right now. He doesn't have it in him to try to help you feel better or discuss possibilities with you. He is sometimes having a hard time dealing with trying to feel okay himself. With death, facing his own mortality maybe, the fear of losing other people and knowing it is inevitable -- and the overwhelming loss lof his mother.

Time heals all wounds. It really really does. You need the time just as much as he does. --- You may not agree but I'll tell you if you got back together right now you would be a basketcase. Reading messages into his actions that really aren't there, trying to be absolutely perfect for fear of losing him (which causes nothing but problems), and too emotionally needy to understand he needs space and time to deal with his grief.

Just think about it. If you had gotten back together last week, and today he told you - "I need to not really talk for a little while. I am really having a hard time with my mom and everything".

Even if initially you felt you understood, after a few hours possibly into tomorrow - you'd think "is he second guessing being with me? Should I call him or maybe that'll seal the deal. I'll call and he'll break up with me! What do I do?!!!"

It won't be any different than this rollercoaster you are on now. Don't do it to yourself anymore.

Now isn't the time. It just isn't.

As much as you want it - it just would be a path to the absolute end.

He would not be able to deal with how insecure you are right now.

He can't fix it for you. Getting him back won't fix it.

You have to fix it. You are the only one that can. You aren't an insecure person. You don't doubt yourself in your relationship constantly. But you are right now. You are in that frame of mind. You FEEL lost but you aren't.

You didn't ruin your life. You really didn't.

You ask how can he not want to give you another chance. He can't think about giving you a chance. He has said he doesn't want to but he hasn't had ANY time to think about the two of you.

HE hasn't had any distance - you were involved in all of the emotional conversations and crying - then his mom died. THAT had to take over. And he hasn't really revisited your relationship. He doesn't have the capacity to. NO MAN DOES.

He doesn't hurt about you guys right now. He can't. He has an overwhelming feeling of pain and loss that goes with him everywhere. He never gets a break from it. As long as he is still ]dealing with this he just can't focus on you, seriously thinking of getting back together, or what he wants. He needs SPACE and he needs TIME.

That is all that is going on right now. I am not saying he will be back. I am not saying he won't. I am saying the decision has not been set in stone. He does not honestly know. HE CAN'T KNOW. His brain is occupied.

Time and space. He needs a clear head. For that matter so do you. Only then will you and he be able to really have a good conversation.

So here's the deal. He is marching to that point daily. It may be a long journey or on the shorter side - I don't know but he is steadily moving toward that place where he can process normal things like caring and memories again. He'll be ready because he has to get up and move through life and go on.

Where are you going to be? Are you going to be this alternative you who is scared and insecure? Because this isn't good. You know it isn't. You know you are tunneling into an abyss. You just can't do it. You can't let it happen.

You are so much more than this relationship. You have to move toward the goal.

You haven't called or e-mailed him. THAT IS GREAT!

Why don't you take pride in that. You deserve it. As hard as it has been you have had the strength to abstain. That is A LOT. SOOOOO many people can't just let the other person breath - and take a breath themselves.

They chase and suck the oxygen out of the relationship - out of the other person - constricting the airway - and as all of the oxygen is slowly sucked out of the relationship, they still try harder not getting enough oxygen for themselves either.

You are not that girl. I know you aren't. You just feel lost right now. It is part of it.

Remember good days and bad days -- but don't add to it. Don't let yourself get sucked into thoughts of "does he care at all?!!" Don't go down rat holes like 'what if?'

Do not punish yourself. Do not beat yourself up because you feel you made a mistake.

Do not beat yourself up for making what you thought was a good decision.

We all make choices everyday and sometimes they are the wrong ones - sometimes they are right. What matters is if you keep going forward.

Beating yourself up just makes you feel worse so please don't do it. Focus on NOW. Today. Give yourself a daily boost, you need to right now. Any accomplishment deserves accolades.

You helped your friend. You are generous not to just think of yourself right now and help another. PAT ON THE BACK.

Find things you like about yourself and reinforce those things. If he does come back -- or even if a few months down the road you decide you are ready for a plan of action - and you still want him -- you are going to have to be ready. You aren't now.

And if there is someone new is your destiny -- and he is wonderful and compassionate, and caring, and fantastic, does he deserve to be with someone who second guesses herself and beats herself up? NO.

So you better be ready.

Look at the girl I see - she is gorgeous. The thick dark hair and beautiful smile! Inside a great big warm heart that is honest and capable of love.-- Are you kidding me?!!

Look at that picture. You KNOW it in that picture. Let her out. Let her breath. This one is a stand in - an understudy - she is NOT supposed to take over the stage. She is the one that keeps you grounded so you don't become Queen B*Atch all the time. But she does not get to have the part. She is just not good enough to be you.

I hope that makes sense to you. I hope it helps.

October 7, 2006

woodenships -- I haven't forgotten about you I will reply to your post. It is just that there is a lot of stuff in there...

October 8, 2006

OMG!! Island, I have to say, everything that you have said in your last post, about my ex is stunningly accurate! How do you know about these things? You seemed to be very clued up about relationships. I admire your integrity.

I hold a lot of value to your opinions, and I am open to criticism. The thing is, I m here to talk, or debate about things. I wouldn`t be here now if it wasn`t for the help of other Love Shackers, friends, and family.

Island, you really ought to consider to be a counsellor. Your advice is "second to none". You are in fact ONLY one (apart from my brother who knows the full story of my relationship) of all the people I have spoken about my relationship with, who has ever mentioned about the "its not you, its me", line to dump someone,

When someone says that - the other person should look at them and say, "you're right. It is you. We had a good thing going but you are so messed up that you have been working on sabotaging it. I am so happy I have the capacity to truly care about someone and stick through it. I am not bitter. I just really hope that you can resolve whatever it is in you that causes you to run from relationship to relationship. They all haven't worked out for you. The one common denominator is you. If I kept losing job after job after job -- I would start thinking, 'What is MY problem?!". So good luck with that.

I really wish I met you back in Oct 2005. I wish this information was available to me back then, for answers on how to salvage our relationship. I gave her space, the space she wanted, but she used it to distance herself from me. Like I said above, my brother also said. "[my name] how do you know its not you? Maybe its her thats causing the probelm? Why date so many people?] It was`nt only until after the second month after we split, and because I wasn`t getting any answers from my ex, that I began to look for answers on the internet. Thats when I found LS.

I know you were driven for answers. But any answers you get aren't the truth. She/he might even really believe they are the truth. It isn't. The not you, it's me -- the immature break up - the running from relationship to relationship --- the problem lies within them. That person you're talking to doesn't know that. Can't put their finger on it. If you listen to what they are saying closely, that is why sometimes there is a lot of 'double talk'.

Again you are 100% correct. How do you know these things? I guess maybe you`ve been through this situation before? When I continued with RC, (Reduced Contact) with my ex g/f. She mentioned "I ve never taken anyone back before", and a few months down the line she said "Why don`t you date other people, and then come back to me!", and this is why I appreciate your accurate advice. The ex mentions that she has never taken anyone back before, and yet she tells me to date around and come back? It is indeed all "double talk!"

In all fairness, I have to admit its not right to have access to your ex`s email. I m glad I did get access, because I really did think at first it was me that was the cause to the end of our relationship. I m glad I got access to her emails because what I found out was my ex had dumped me. Only 4 days after ending our relationship did she go back on the internet dating site where we met to advertise herself.

I actually posted a fake profile, and got talking to her. Shockingly enough, my ex was prepared to talk about the failings of our relationship to a complete stranger, instead of talking to me. She even said to my "alter ego", that "My ex thinks we are going to get back together", and other things like "I wish he would leave me alone, I ll formulate a reply back" (but yet spookily she has never told me to stop contacting her). Another Love Shacker told me its because she still wants to be chased after. Its a huge boost to her ego.

The ex also mentioned that I was "immature", and that we "weren`t right for each other, but he is a nice man" in her emails. However the biggest shock I recieved was when I managed to guess the password to the dating site where she met. She flirted with a guy on the site, when I was on a weeks holiday. This man asked her to dump me, and get out with him! She replied, "I will when I find a reason". When I spoke to her under a fake profile. She mentioned that she thougut our relationship wasn`t going anywhere, and "we weren`t a couple". When, I spoke to her on the phone the ex mentioned she wanted someone intimate. After talking to her, I realised that. OMG, there`s nothing here about me! Its definitely YOU! There is NOTHING in our relationship that could nto have been sorted, or fixed. Yet she still chose to leave.

So the last couple of days in our relationship, she withdrew. I only noticed it when we split, and I was reflecting what went wrong, and this is possibly the best line in your post;

When someone says that - the other person should look at them and say, "you're right. It is you. We had a good thing going but you are so messed up that you have been working on sabotaging it

A work collegue of mine found out what kind of a state/mess I was. She new I was in deep depression back then. She saw all the signs, as she had suffered from it before, and still is. What she told me was my ex will always find it comfortable talking to complete strangers, because their relationship is not yet complicated. Obviousily a stranger will lend an ear, and will be on their side. My collegue said, they (the dumpers) don`t speak to their loved ones, because they are frightened of what they might hear. What I also know is my ex talked to her friends first, before she dumped me. That`s another contradiction of hers she said when we split. "We don`t talk like normal couple do!" Yet she is not totally prepared to talk whats been going wrong in our relationship to me. I have no idea why people say things like that?

This is exactly why I say you have time. The flakey weird ones that seem to break up for no reason saying something like "it's not you it's me" --- don't worry they are moving on and dating --- they're just going to run again. They'll have a break up (or a lot of break ups) so there is always another shot if YOU still want THEM.

As long as you haven't destroyed the path back to you by repeated desperate contact. --- Another reason NC.

Yes, I agree. Its all about timing. I hope Fjk gets her timing right. I don`t think I ve destroyed the path back to my ex. I do intend to phone her one day out of the blue, and ask her how`s she been doing. I do miss her, and her children. I don`t understand how a man like me, with no emotional baggage, no children (yes, admittedly she was my first proper g/f, and I was 30 when I met her) have my own flat, and car. My mother stayed in the same area as her (my ex stays 47 miles away), and I have relatives in the same city as hers 300 miles south of where I live. If anyone was going to be Mr Right, it would have been me. I m Mr Right for her, just not Mr Right now.

You bet. It is wrong. Again, CLASSIC. She is messed up. Really. I am not trying to put her down. She just has a lot to figure out. Good she doesn't date for a while. She'll get better, faster, alone.

I don`t mind if you put her down Island. Its still feedback, and advice. She`s alone for now, and I know she is getting tired of dating around. Like you said Island, she says she is "disappointed about different things", with all the men she has dated. Shes suffering from dating burnout. Like you said,

Again, not YOU it is HER. She doesn't have any idea of what she wants. She is a kid in a candy store dazzled by the aray of diffent kinds of candies. The one in the jar always has the possibilty of tasting better than the one in her mouth. Hopefully she has now made herself sick so she'llstop and get a grip so she won't hurt anyone else while she straightens her selfish azz out!

and further down your post,

I have a feeling she hasn't dealt with how lost she felt when it ended. Even if she was the one that ended it, if she wasn't alone for a while AFTER - the rule of thumb is a month for every year they were together - then she hasn't found HERSELF again.
My guess is she wasn't alone for a while. Am I right?

Are you my ex? Lol:) Again, YOU are dead right. When she decided to split with her husband of 10 years. She started to date 2 months after her split. I do know she fell out of love with her husband months before the split.

How long has it been since NC...? This and the communication a short time before you went NC will determine your next move.

Its hard to say. I m in RC. She stopped talking to me back in May of this year. I m not sure if you`ve read my posts, but since then. I have sent 2 to 3 "needy" emails to her. The rest have been jokes or attachments who I send as a mass email, and her email address is included. I sent the needy emails all back in may. They funny emails about once a fortnight, or nothing for 3 weeks, and then 2 emails all in a day. I m email at different times of the day too, making it very irregular.

So, I might leave it for another couple of weeks before I do talk to her on the phone. I will keep it very light, and I will talk nothing about our relationship unless she chooses too. I will keep in control of the telephone coversation, and I will not be on the phone for a longer period than necessary. I will close the call, and say, "I need to go. I ll call you some other time". That way, I m in control, and I will get the chance to call her again. What I learnt, just like Fjk`s situation. My ex said she would call me about a film I asked her out to see. She said she would call me back. (This is before she met her current boyfriend, and then split) I m still waiting for that call.

However time changes people. I sent her a text about 2 weeks now, and amazingly she replied to it, after around 3-4 months of no contact from her. What do you think Island? Am I going the rightway about this? My ex needs a lot of re-assurance, and security. I need to speak to her because my ex is so indecisive. She is very insecure. Hopefully by talking to her she will see me as a whole new/different man that I was from last year when she left.

Oki doki, I ll leave it here for now. I ll reply to Fjks post later. I have to go to the shops before they close.

October 9, 2006

OMG!! Island, I have to say, everything that you have said in your last post, about my ex is stunningly accurate! How do you know about these things?

I know about these things -- and your ex because I WAS her -- or another albeit WORSE version of her. No kidding. WORSE.

The hurt I caused was terrible. I regret it. It did show me - endlessly - what mistakes men make trying to get back with someone. - I know what drove me away further and further until I blasted them and told them off with such incredible hurtful insults that they wouldn't dare contact me again. To add insult to injury, sometimes the new guy taking their place was a friend, coach, or someone they knew. My nickname was Maneater. All of my friends called me that. -- nice huh?

Then I started listening to girls around me who were doing the same thing these guys did to me - to men that had broken up with them. And I realized it is universal. The dumpee usually falls into a desperate pattern of self-doubt and complusive self-destructive attempts to regain what is lost. Eventually the guys did what I would do. Finally tell them off.

Island, you really ought to consider to be a counsellor.

I really feel it too much - the wrenching agony people explain. I know what it looks like, I know what it sounds like, and more than that I know how THE OTHER PERSON sees it. I know what drove me away, and what made me take a second look at someone after I dumped them.

Shockingly enough, my ex was prepared to talk about the failings of our relationship to a complete stranger, instead of talking to me. She even said to my "alter ego", that "My ex thinks we are going to get back together", and other things like "I wish he would leave me alone, I ll formulate a reply back" (but yet spookily she has never told me to stop contacting her). Another Love Shacker told me its because she still wants to be chased after. Its a huge boost to her ego.

The easiest way to get an interested guy involved emotionally is to convey that she is still wanted, desperately, by someone else. It creates a feeling of competition in a man. This new man feels like his ego is boosted - I would usually say things like, "he's so weak. But you aren't at all are you? You're so strong and independant." Or something to that effect. The new guy feels he is 'winning' - he also feels more masculine and gets a bit of ego stroking. Pretty soon they are dependant on that feeling.

My collegue said, they (the dumpers) don`t speak to their loved ones, because they are frightened of what they might hear.

Hmmmm. Don't agree with that. I talked to my family but they got my 'spin' on it just like everyone else.

"We don`t talk like normal couple do!" Yet she is not totally prepared to talk whats been going wrong in our relationship to me. I have no idea why people say things like that?

That was an excuse. And anything can be a reason for her to dump a guy. Fact is - she couldn't think of a reason but she wanted to be OUT OF IT. She felt smothered and creeped out. Not because of you. But because she is *empty* inside. She feels the right guy will fix this. But it is her work - she needs to do it. Self-examination, self-esteem (it may not seem like it but it is because she feels unworthy. She craves attention of new men to make her feel worthwhile and attractive. - The attention - the still being wanted - it is all about getting that ego boost fix.

I do intend to phone her one day out of the blue, and ask her how`s she been doing.

Don't call. Don't e-mail. That is specific contact. You need covert contact.

My mother stayed in the same area as her (my ex stays 47 miles away), and I have relatives in the same city as hers 300 miles south of where I live.

Here is where there is the opportunity for covert contact - a happenstance run in. You look great -- I mean GREAT - and you are happy and adjusted when you see her.

When she asks you about yourself you are doing great. When she asks about specifics you are vague -- i.e. she says, "What are you doing now?" - You say, "I've got some things goin'. What about YOU? -- How is _____?" - You mention specific people or things. Don't tell her she looks great - don't mention her appearance but be really interested in what she has going on in her life. Then get out of there. Let her know your really busy and you are sorry you couldn't talk more extensively. Do not say you'll call and try to leave before she can say it too.

Are you my ex? Lol:) Again, YOU are dead right. When she decided to split with her husband of 10 years. She started to date 2 months after her split. I do know she fell out of love with her husband months before the split.

Nope not your ex!

But I was her in a past life...:sick:

I have sent 2 to 3 "needy" emails to her. The rest have been jokes or attachments who I send as a mass email, and her email address is included. I sent the needy emails all back in may. They funny emails about once a fortnight, or nothing for 3 weeks, and then 2 emails all in a day. I m email at different times of the day too, making it very irregular.

Stop all e-mail contact, letters, phone calls immediately. She needs to be seperated from you while you work on that confident, 'I am SO attractive, SO intelligent, SUCH A GREAT CATCH -- who wouldn't want me?!!'

So, I might leave it for another couple of weeks before I do talk to her on the phone. I will keep it very light, and I will talk nothing about our relationship unless she chooses too. I will keep in control of the telephone coversation, and I will not be on the phone for a longer period than necessary. I will close the call, and say, "I need to go. I ll call you some other time". That way, I m in control, and I will get the chance to call her again.

Again, I wouldn't call or make any contact that is obvious about your effort. This alone lends itself to her knowledge that you are still thinking about her, still occupied with thoughts of her - she still gets her fix from that. You need to be a challenge again. You need to get your Alpha - male hat on. That'll take a little while. Do some reading, get some things clear in your head. Distance yourself from the break up. That is in the past - and it can't come creeping out. It can't even come out if it comes up in conversation.

However time changes people. I sent her a text about 2 weeks now, and amazingly she replied to it, after around 3-4 months of no contact from her.

She isn't getting attention she wants right now. She is thinking of getting it from you. Now is not the time -- it is NOT the time. She hasn't been NC from you -- she feels you are still under her thumb. She is kinda right isn't she?

That is where you DON'T want to be

My ex needs a lot of re-assurance, and security. I need to speak to her because my ex is so indecisive. She is very insecure.

Exactly - she is looking for reassurance - that is what she is looking for. But giving it to her in the doses you give it to her drives her away from you. The way you get her, the way you keep her, is:

A little bit goes a long way and believe it or not critical comments are effective as well. They have to be strung along together.

Read up on the Alpha-male.

October 9, 2006

Thanks Island...

This NC is really driving me crazy..Am I suppose to email him and say it was nice seeing you when I was up North..Im thinking he hasn't called or emailed me since then because I either looked bad or he knew right at that moment that he was over me and there is no reason to talk to me bc he doesnt want to lead me on..

I just can't take this pain anymore..I can't...And I really know n my heart that hes not coming back and it kills me..Totally murders my soul..I miss him so so much..And he can't even talk to me period..I hate it..I really thought we were different..I guess he looked at our run in as bad or else he would have called...especially like he said he would..thats really cruel to say to someone if u know n ur heart u dont mean it..people get back together all the damn time ..besides me and him..i really dont get it...i hate this..i hate him not bein gin my life anymore...

October 9, 2006

No. Do not e-mail him. Your words sound like mine - so very long ago -- when my first boyfriend broke up with me. But he made me sooooo angry breaking up with me (I was totally devoted to him - I thought it was love forever).

I said almost these exact same things to my friends, etc. But I was ANGRY and held on to that. I cursed him that he would never be happy without me and I remained NC.

Four months later - here he comes crawling back to say how stupid he was and how sorry he was and that he'd make it up to me. Boy did he.

He hasn't even thought about your relationship seriously. It is not that he doesn't miss you, that he doesn't think about you occasionally - but his mom just died.

Please, please, please! Just take a step back. If you truly love him, lamenting your relationship right now and how he isn't calling is not showing him any respect or care.

He was honest with you. As honest as he could be. He is not going to be conscious of the fact that he has enough emotion on his plate and everything else is being pushed aside.

If he did come back you are poised to destroy any remnant of closeness. He can't be a crutch. He needs one right now and can't be yours. The conversations you would have, the insecurities that would seep in and the reassurance you'd need - well, he just can't provide.

Getting back together with him or a new relationship with someone else is not what you need to be focusing on.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? You need to get this all in perspective.

At this point there is a lot going on with him. Please try to understand that. For you this is everything it is taking up all of your thoughts - but for him he has a MUCH BIGGER ISSUE.

He is dealing with the loss of a parent.

Just stop and imagine what that must be like. Imagine how you would feel -- ?!! -- And then imagine someone you also care about crying and with their actions pulling at you and saying, "think about me! think about me!" Wouldn't you just want to tell them to stop? Wouldn't you just want to say, "I CAN'T! I can't think about you right now! My heart aches and I am hurting sooooo bad! It doesn't stop. I don't get a break from it! I think of all of the things I want to say to my mom, all the times I was angry and said things I didn't mean. I want to tell her I miss her and that I love her and I CAN'T! I carry it around with me everyday and I'm so taxed emotionally I can't think of anything or anyone else. In the moments when I am stronger I look at my dad and he needs me so much! I just don't have enough to go around right now! Just give me a break PLEASE!"

Because I would be saying that. I would be thinking that. I would be thinking, "if you really love me than you would try to understand what my day to day like must be like right now. It is forever changed and I need time to get used to that without another emotional trip.

You have to remain NC. In the state you are in it would be entirely too emotional and stressful for him right now. He seems like a level headed guy. How do you imagine he reacts to such deep grief?

To you this is the world right now. But there is time. Trust me ther is always time. You are keeping all of the pain going by what you are saying. You can't be serious that you think 4 YEARS means nothing to him. You KNOW that isn't true. Saying it just deepens feelings of despair.

This is going to sound harsh but you are selfish in your pain right now. You are swimming in it, wallowing in it.

You don't know if he is going to come back to you or not. He doesn't even know. You haven't given him the chance to MISS you. The real you. The one who doesn't cry and pull at his emotions and who seems so weak and desperate.

Give him space from the you that has been trying to communicate with him. Let him remember the good things.

Time makes the bad fade and the good stronger. LET IT HAPPEN.

About calling -- he may have meant it but unfortunately you let your eyes tear up. He got a forecast of what that conversation might be like and he just CAN'T DEAL. He has ENOUGH going on.

He told you -- flat out told you - he can't deal with the crying, etc. right now. Why don't you want to believe him?

Do you want to stay in this place? This dark place where you are questioning every feeling he ever had and every memory you guys ever created together? By doing that you are saying it wasn't great - it wasn't what I thought it was. It was all a lie.

That simply is not true. You know it. You know that is not true. 4 years is a lot of time and effort to spend with someone when you don't care. I don't even know him and it doesn't sound to me like he would do that.

He moved cross country with you. He planned a future with you. Just remeber the girl he did all that with because I know you aren't her right now.

I keep saying this. I know. But a desperate, needy, crying girl is not attractive. A girl who pulls at your heart and makes him have feelings of guilt because she needs and he can't give right now.

That is why I said I hoped you would not run into him. He doesn't need any more doses of this girl.

You don't either. You need to get back to yourself. The you he cares about. And until you do -- REALLY DO -- you need to stay away from him.

If you talking to him - any conversation would be like a nail in a coffin. You would bury the relationship right now.

Be thankful he is NOT talking to you. Be thankful you have time on your side to get back your self-confidence - get back to yourself. ONLY THEN WILL YOU HAVE ANY CHANCE. With him OR with anyone else.

I have destroyed men. I have hurt them to the point of misery. So bad they didn't want to talk to me because of my own actions not the death of a parent. And I got them back. When I wanted to, I got them back. Time heals the wounds. Just take my word for it.

For yourself - you need to stop going down this road - you need to get your head on straight.

It wasn't all a lie - men don't put that much effort into a lie.

You are not dying - you jut aren't letting yourself live. You have created a prison for yourself and YOU are the only one with a key. Not HIM, YOU.

You would not be good for anyone right now. Your insecurity comes from beating yourself up for breaking up with him and telling yourself you don't mean anything to him. All of that isn't true. It just isn't.

October 10, 2006

Hi Fjk

I have to agree with Island;

This is going to sound harsh but you are selfish in your pain right now. You are swimming in it, wallowing in it.

You don't know if he is going to come back to you or not. He doesn't even know. You haven't given him the chance to MISS you. The real you. The one who doesn't cry and pull at his emotions and who seems so weak and desperate.

I ve read your last couple of posts, and indeed you do sound torn. I will say I ve been through the exact same thing. In fact what I didn`t tell you was I went into deep depression. Don`t get me wrong, but I ve come out of it now, but this has taken 11 months to get over my ex. I still think of her, but not as much as I used to.

During that time when I was in my dark days I was signed off from work for 2 months. I couldn`t eat. I drank heavily, smoked, and stayed up all night. Couldn`t sleep because I analysed everything. How I could have done things better with my ex?

Out of all this, and 11 months down the line. I m better. Waking up gets easier in the morning. When I was in my depression period. I had this huge unimaginable emptiness that my ex wasn`t with me anymore. It got so bad, I became very emotional. I began to get stressed,and had panic attacks. It got so bad, I had to see my doctor, who referred me to a pyshcologist. I also got extra counselling from my work, who kindly paid for my sessions with a counsellor. I had to get help, because my mental health was suffering. I m looking back now, and I will say I have never in my life felt so bad. Yes, I blamed myself, and thats what you are doing in your post. Stop analysing now! You left him!! Okay, fine. Get over it. Mistakes happen.

I know during this time when I was mentally ill, I wouldnt have got to where I am now, if I hadn`t done other things. I took up a 21 week intensive college course. Took up dancing lessons, and went out to meet friends, and relatives I hadn`t seen for a long time. I think the biggest change, and I realise it within myself, was the time I was out socialising. My mind used to wonder, and I`d start thinking of the ex. What she was doing? Where was she? I wanted to text her, or go home, and check my emails, or phone her. It became unhealthy, and everything revolved round her.

However the biggest shock was one night, I went out with a friend. In fact it was November 2005, and that is next month! See!! This is what I mean by doing other things. I can`t believe its a year since we split up, but it seems shorter because I did soooo many things. Doing other things gives you the opportunity to meet people, develop yourself, learn new hobbies, take your mind off your ex, and help you heal.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. One night I was in shock, because we (my friend) had been out on a night out, and I started talking about the ex again. This was while we were in a pub listening to a band. My friend told me off right there at the bar saying everyone (all my work collegues, and friends) felt sorry for me, but its time you stop talking about her. Theres no point talking about it anymore, but your just saying the same things over, and over. In fact the one sentence my friend retorted out to me, "No one wants to hear about it anymore!", finally gave me the kick up the back side I needed to stop covering the same ground, and driving all my friends crazy. (Fair enough, some friends stood by me, and talked about my ex longer than others, but others told me to just f*ing move on! You really know who your real friends are at this stage)

He was right. I talked so much about it I drove everyone crazy. I wasn`t moving on.

That has now changed. It WILL get easier, and the pain will go. You have to grieve. I think where our situations differ, is because I never got the closure I needed from my ex. She went happily on the internet to look for strangers opinions to finish with me. (she couldn`t even find one!) She told "them", what the problems where in our relationship. I didn`t know until I found out , when I gained access to her emails. I m not proud of that, but I was drunk one night, and I guessed her password after the 8th attempt. Like what Island was saying. It was all "double talk". She hid the truth from me.

Suddenly everything became clear. All the answers were in her email account. Looking back now, I m glad I got into her account. Island is right. Its NOT me its her. Sorry, I m diversifying again, but where your situation is different is because YOU chose to leave. NOW ITS BOTH OF YOU WHO NEED ANSWERS!

You need to know why he won`t take you back, and he wants to know why you left in the first place, and if you did come back. There could be the possibility you might leave again.

Thanks Island...

This NC is really driving me crazy..Am I suppose to email him and say it was nice seeing you when I was up North..Im thinking he hasn't called or emailed me since then because I either looked bad or he knew right at that moment that he was over me and there is no reason to talk to me bc he doesnt want to lead me on..
I just can't take this pain anymore..I can't...And I really know n my heart that hes not coming back and it kills me..Totally murders my soul..I miss him so so much..And he can't even talk to me period..I hate it..I really thought we were different..I guess he looked at our run in as bad or else he would have called...especially like he said he would..thats really cruel to say to someone if u know n ur heart u dont mean it..people get back together all the damn time ..besides me and him..i really dont get it...i hate this..i hate him not bein gin my life anymore...

Your post has not indicated what you`ve been doing so far. You do sound very hung up about your ex, and your beating yourself up about it. Nothing will get him back, unless you back off like what I been saying before. You won`tget back soon until you talk about what went wrong, and how you can reconcile. Ex`s will get pushed away by desparation, and Island`s post are a perfect example.

What I fear is, you will continue to pester your ex until he gets fed up, and he will till you where to go. So be unavailable for now. Take time out. Hell, it took me 11 months to get where I am. Got my sanity back. When you do, its only that time, you can talk to him with out showing desparate, and he will take you back. thats only when you are yourself. The woman he fell in love 4 years ago, and not some "bunny boiler", who won`t leave her ex alone. I`ve said it enough times, but I don`t feel your listening. Its your call.

Like I said in my previous post on the 1 st October;

Even with this meeting you are still no further foward. Like IslandGirl said. The ball is still in his court. No point analysing now, but I would have mentioned that I would have called back, and agreed a date or time. He`s going to have to call you, and with the ex`s mother`s death, and pressure from you. The call from him, might not happen.

I knew this "meeting" would tear you apart. He might not call, ever! You have to remember what I said before;

The best thing they say on Love Shack, and thats to do nothing at all.

Do nothing at all. If you didn`t go to PA, this meeting wouldnt off happened, and you wont have been left hanging around waiting for his call. Like I said before, and now I m beginning to sound like a broken record. Always remain sober! I reckon the fact you were drunk when you bumped into you ex has reduced the chances of him calling. Remember you were both drunk. Nothing was really agreed. Okay he said he would call you. That can be ANY time. If that situation happened to me, I would say after he mentioned about the call something like, "Yeah, that would be great, I m free this Friday, around 9pm. It would be nice to hear from you".

Remember try to be in control, but in a nice way. Don`t show any sign of neediness, or desparation. Fjk, you are jumping straigh back in your relationship without talking over what went wrong. You leaving him has upset his equlibrium, and now he`s become insecure. He`s lost 2 important people in his life. You, and his mother. Give him time to grieve.

He`s not looking for another girlfriend is he? So for now he is still with you. Take your time over this, and if you need some thoughts, and opinions them come here for help. i hope you will take it all in. There is still a chnace for you to get back, but it just takes time, and a lot of clever moves, and a good strategy to win him back.

October 10, 2006

fjk82~

I can not reiterate enough -- no phone calls. No e-mails. No contact. The getting back together is carefully orchestrated "happenstance".

It is waaaaaaaaaaaaay down the line at this point. You have to get all the way back to yourself. All is not lost. Really. But you have to snap out of it or you'll never be ready when the time comes. -- Just be forewarned that when you ARE ready you may not want HIM back.

But whatever you choose you have to do something for yourself. You have to start remembering you are worth it. You are worth YOUR effort.

As much effort as you put into mourning - put that same effort into doing SOMETHING - ANYTHING - for you. Something to make yourself feel better even if it just a little bit at first.

Do something with your friends. Make a pact with yourself that you are going to give yourself a break from the grieving for an hour. Or two hours. And stick with it. If you feel yourself drifting back push it out for just that little while.

You may not like this idea but I find volunteering to help less fortunate people helps put things in perspective a little bit. Thanksgiving is coming up and I know here, we have a canned food drive. We help out a woman who a few years ago started collecting food in her garage -- Last year we ended donating $28,000 worth of food. If people gave us money we went to Costco and bought groceries - rice, canned foods, etc. And donated it.

There are always soup kitchens where you can volunteer to serve food. Doing for others can really help you feel good about yourself. And you have a lot of time on your hands right now that is idle time put to bad use beating yourself up which you need to NOT do...

Just a thought.

Update Again..need Input

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