Update Again..need Input

[Island Girl]

They loved his X like a daughter and it caused major problems with me and his family bc his mom always made it VERY clear she didn't like me and always wanted Kristy back..

 

I mean the women would leave photos of him and his x around the house and say things to me it was horrible..

 

Really awful. Unfortunately not accepting the child's choice of partner is fairly common. It is terrible that she held it against you - not accepting that if he wasn't with you, he still wouldn't have been with her.

 

 

i was always tryin to be a part of his parents lives but the mom made it clear she hated me..he would fight for me all the time and tell them they never gave me a chance but it was hopeless

 

He fought for you over and over. Then you left - I wonder what she said to him then. Do you know?

 

Now that his mom died I am sure he has a lot of guilt that he is wrestling with. He also could be fighting thoughts of being with you because he knows his mom didn't want that.

 

If that is the case YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM ALONE SO HE CAN DEAL WITH IT HIMSELF.

 

once we got to FL and we were here for a lil while i kinda started to change..

 

i was afraid of "marriage" i was scared that i was to young, etc and i never really experienced dating, etc..he was only my 2nd real long term r-ship..

 

Again, quite common. You were young and although you were happy with your relationship with him you weren't feeling ready to make a lifetime commitment. Nothing to do with him - this has only to do with you.

 

Did you talk about how you were feeling? That you could see yourself married to him and that you loved him but you were feeling things were moving along too fast?

 

our sex life had always been healthy but during this time i started to feel NON sexual and it hurt him a lot

 

It happens - not anything to feel guilty about. AT ALL. Hopefully you discussed this too. Am I getting the wrong feeling - that he wasn't too understanding about this? He brought it up all the time, etc.?

 

his father asked him to take over the family business and we would have to live with his parents for awhile until we saved money for a house up in PA..this made me freak bc of the way the mom always was with me..

 

Of course it freaked you out! How could it not? Again, he doesn't seem very understanding here.

 

I would never expect my love to be subjected to poor treatment or tension on a day to day basis for who knows how long. Hell! It is too hard even for holidays sometimes!

 

so he begged me for so long to go to pa.

 

What was his solution to the problem of living with his parents. He obviously was aware how you'd feel. How did he propose you handle that? Just suck it up endlessly? Hmmmmm.

 

i flew up the following week and i felt uncomfortable as always with his family and it would have been horrible if i had to live with them especially with adam always being at work and they live in the totally woods with nothing to do or go to

 

His solution? Did he have one? I'm sorry but I see selfishness. If he wanted to do this for your future, fine. But it could be worked out a different way than to leave you alone with them day after endless day knowing it would be so uncomfortable and hard that would be for you.

 

so finally he couldnt take it anymore and i went to PA on march 1st..his parents were rude to me as always..acted as though i wasn't even there..his mom never spoke to me and when i tried she would answer and that was that..it was horrible..

 

He witnessed this? He knew how they were treating you right? What did HE SAY about this?!

 

adam would talk to my family about marrying me and his friends i remember one night before i went to PA we were sitting with his best friend bobby and out of no where he goes bobby i love this women more then anything in this world id die with out her..and bobby goes i know..it was beautiful bc i knew he ment every word..

 

I don't doubt he meant it either. I know he did.

 

he did everything to keep us together

 

Not really. He didn't really do everything to keep you together. Allowing an outside influence to emotionally drain your partner and expect the person just to go on with it and get beat down day after day is not trying to keep you together (problems WILL come to pass) and surely could lead to severe depression. It was a very unhealthy environment for you.

 

Any person in their right mind would get out of there before you were so far gone you would not be able to bring yourself to - or worse - there wasn't anything left to save.

 

and i choose to break us apart

 

You had to. Unless he had immediate plans to make sure you were moving out of that house and into a place where you could feel comfortable, you absolutely had to.

 

but later i find out that his X kristy came to the viewing...i got so afraid and jealous and insecure that she was there that he wanted her there instead of me but then i had to remember the relationship she had with his mother and how close they were..

 

I'm sure that is all it was - unless his mother's death destroyed any backbone he had and he is choosing to be unhappy to fulfill her wishes.

 

I don't think so. I don't. It is a remote possibility - but he doesn't sound that way at all.

 

the pain i put him thru during those few months where i stayed in fl and he was in pa waiting and begging for me to get my butt up there

 

You aren't going to like this at all --- I warn you.

 

He was selfishly thinking of himself and his plans. What he wanted was you up there with him. Regardless of your feelings, regardless of your well being. He just wanted to have you with him -- and I don't mean that in a "oh so romantic" way. I mean it in a we're together you belong with me -- just a half step away from you belong TO me. Almost like a fixture or a posession.

 

He seems, at your age, a master of presenting things in such a way that he gets the pat on the back no matter what it is. That he is doing the right thing all the time - when he is only pleasing himself or his family - and you weren't in that equasion. He KNEW you wouldn't be happy. He KNEW it would be a terrible thing for you. Guilt seems to be his weapon. NOT GOOD. and certainly not healthy.

 

..i hurt him more then words can describe..and i know he had a lot of anger toward me for that because he was paying all of my bills during that time

 

His choice to do it. He knew from the outset how you felt with his parents. He could not have expected that you would put bells on to go running back to being treated that way - and this time every minute of every day.

 

C'mon. He had a commitment to you, to living with you, making a home with you. You had created a financial situation. As a partner he was helping you to deal with the ramifications of the change of those plans.

 

then he moved alllll of our stuff from fl to pa and then i FINALLY get up there and only stay for a month then i leave him..he has so much anger toward me for that and i understand why he would..but i wasnt in my right mind at all..i really wasnt..

 

I am glad you did. You had to. Nobody can live like that day to day with no end in sight. It is really truly unhealthy. I can tell you without a doubt if you had stayed there your relationship would have suffered some deadly blows.

 

he doesnt give me a reason as to why he doesnt want me back all he says is everything happens for a reason..and he thinks that what happend just happend..but i dont see or believe how ones feelings can change just like that..but hes also very strong minded..if he puts his mind to blocking me out and not wanting to be with me again he will do it

 

I hear what you are saying. I do.

It is absolutely true that a person who truly loves someone doesn't just stop.

 

I am getting the perception that when he has a plan he resigns himself to it come "hell or highwater". That he gets a picture in his head and a plan together about how he is going to acheive it and it is unwavering. Am I right? Like plans about your future, etc. He is like this in all things. Am I correct?

no wonder he doesnt want to give me another chance...he did everything and i do mean everything in his power to keep us together

 

Again, no he didn't.

 

and i broke it..i destroyed him....then his mom died

 

You had to do what you did. You had nothing to do with his mom's death. No one can predict those things. You did what you had to do at the time for yourself. Quit feeling guilty about that. Really.

 

.could this be any worse...im really not that horrible person i was being during that time he was in pa and i refuse to go..

 

Believe it or not I have DONE worse by my own action for way less reason. So YES it could have been worse.

 

I am not a horrible person. If these kinds of things were indicative of who you really are - well, I am way worse than you. I was messed up and hurt people VERY BADLY.

 

You did not orchestrate any of this. It wasn't part of your big plan. Just stop thinking of it that way. It is terrible to continue to put yourself down with all that has happened.

 

im really not..im a great women i just made the worst mistake and i was making those mistakes with every day that passed by that i choose to stay n fl i think a part of me was hoping he would break down and decide to leave pa but he did the right thing ..god this is horrible...no wonder he doesnt want me back..

 

Again - I have done WAY worse and I've gotten them back. That is not even an issue. Seriously. Getting back into this relationship as it has been would not be a good move. You really need to get some work done internally <TODAY WAS A GREAT DAY> and getting some perspective about your relationship. How is your mom when you are talking about all of this? What has been her impression of him? Her honest impression? Do you know?

 

I have a breakdown of his e-mail as well. But I am going to let you post to this before I commit to my impression of it.

[fjk82]

Okay let me answer some of your questions here..Im in the middle of making dinner with friends so Ill write as much as I can then when you write about his email Ill write a lot lol...

 

Yes Adam was well aware how his Mother treated me and that is what caused so many fights between him and his family and what lead him to not have any contact with his family for awhile. I hated that it was happening bc I love family so much. But it was totally just them and it was so sad to see a parent do that and hurt their child so much especially with him being an adult.

 

He knew how I felt about the moving to PA thing trust me. But all he would say is it was for our future...And that we would only stay with his family until we saved enough for our own place up there. And he said trust me I dont want to be living with my family etc and we will move out as soon as possible. He told me that in the 4yrs we were together hes done everything for me and never asked a thing of me and this was the one thing and that he knew this was the last thing i wanted but it would mean th eworld to him if i did it and if it was my oppturnity that he would go. that he would move anywhere for me , etc..

 

When it comes to my Mom...When I was speakin gof leaving him she didn't really have me think about it she was like ok...Then now seeing me so sad shes like I just wish hed talk to you etc...And just yesterday she sent me an email saying im listenin to that song by maria carey called we belong together and all it makes me think about is you and adam...i was like ouch..i know she doens't do it on purpose she just wants me happy..shes not the best when it comes to advice trust me...

 

k email me back and ill b very detailed..especially when it comes to his email

thanks! have a great night! cant wait to see ur response with his email..its killin me lol

[Island Girl]

“I am sitting here crying fallon. I can't believe that you think I have no emotion. This is the deepest hurt i have ever felt. I am trying to imagine what it will be like to not talk to you every day and call you baby. It hurts so bad. You don't know what I've been through and how much I cry thinking about you.

 

So see, he does have emotion! But why does he say that you think that he doesn't have any?

 

What has he been through? Waiting for you to move? He cries thinking about you because you guys are over?

Because this was one day before you left. And had there been a conversation, or many that this is what you planned on doing?

 

I don't know what to do. I tried so hard fallon to stop this relationship from ending even after you choose to separate us. I did a very noble and understandable thing by taking this job and it has not been easy and I truly hope that you appriciate everything that I 've done.

 

You chose to separate the two of you? Was he talking about when he moved and you waited to move up there?

 

He may have done a noble and wonderful thing by going up there and taking over the family business, but that goes out the window when one expects accolades - then it isn't noble anymore - it is self-serving.

 

My understanding is the business in FL was failing. Were there other plans in the works and then he switched them? Were there health reasons, etc. that made it imperstive for him to go at that moment?

 

Because I am not getting that impression. It sounds like although it is a great idea and noble, understandable, blah blah blah. But it also sounds like if he was taking the two of you into consideration it could have been planned out so that moving would have been a better situation.

 

It sounds like everything happened quickly. You still had a lease in FL. How long did this whole process take?

 

He didn't talk to his family for 5 months after you left PA. Leases are 6 mos or a year so that'd be about half or all of it...

 

If I am correct and this whole decision to take over the business and move happened VERY rapidly. With the plan being to live with his parents. That is destructive to you and if you both are partners (and that is truly how he saw it) then that is destructive to him as well. NOT SMART.

 

And it doesn't fall into the catagory of "trying to keep you together".

 

 

You tell me one thing but your actions show something different.

 

What is he talking about?

 

That you love him and want to be with him but kept putting off moving?

 

Because as much as he says he loves you and wanted to be with you forever - it seems to me that a few months apart really is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Forever being 50 to 70 years for the two of you being married. So what is a few months?

 

Seems to me he selfishly wanted you up there NOW without a thought in his head about what the best way to go about making the new turn of events great for you, for him, and for both of you as an 'us'.

 

He wanted to be up and gone from FL to take over the business and the second that decision was made everything is dropped and you are expected to go live somewhere where you already know you will be treated poorly? And you are expected to be excited and just pack and hurry on up there? Give me a break. Truly.

 

Who would be in a hurry to live in a house where you have no repect, are degraded constantly, with no distraction except waiting for him to come home tired, and after a time, unable to put out the effort needed to help you feel better. Eventually having fights because of something especially horrible that was said or done to you that day.

 

And the eventual fights he would have with his family again and again. While both of you are living there. ---- Can't you see the writing on the wall with that situation? Because it sure sounds like he didn't or he ignored it.

 

I've begged you to do this for me for months with the false hope that we will be together again and you just keep letting me down. I know that once we get through the hardships know that we will be happy . We could get a house and a dog and be happy to be with eachother, but I guess we will never know.

 

For months? How long was it from decision to you moving up there?

 

It seems to me the hardships consisted of living with his family. So why did you have to? Why couldn't he find a place for the two of you up there? Might be longer to buy a house but if it meant being together in a place that wasn't so destructive to you specifically and the two of you as well that is hands down a better decision.

 

I know that you don't want to be here fallon, but it is really not fair for you to ask me to give something like this up. A woman is suppose to support their man and make him feel good about himself. And I have been willing to make an unbelieveable effort to make you happy.

 

Why does it have to be all or nothing? His choice again I am assuming.

 

I'm sure you would have been fine with taking over the business and living in your own place, am I right?

 

So he was the one saying this is the way it is going to be -- suffer through it. He calls that being supportive. Getting your face shoved into mud everyday and being treated like trash is being supportive. Right.

 

Being supportive is mutual and being supportive of you would not be asking you to LIVE in that environment. He wasn't.

 

Being supportive of him is understanding his need to take over the business -- were you?

 

What is his "unbelievable effort to make you happy"?

 

What you have been doing is so disrespectful and irreasponsible. Why fallon why can't you be their for me. You let me bring everything up here, you let me pay all your bills, you told me you would do this for me. It sounds like I have no emotion because I have no hope left. I am just a sad broken man.

 

What is disrespectful? PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS. Nothing you have alluded to is disrespectful so I must not know something.

 

When you moved to FL was he paying the bills while you went to school? What happened when the business failed? Was the original idea to stay in FL and continue to work doing something else while you went to school?

 

Because if you both were in a lease together and you weren't working then you were financially dependant on him and he knew this. Was there a discussion of you paying your own bills...or how that would happen?

 

Just because I wanted to do something to help our future and better myself, I lose my girlfriend. I've missed you so bad it hurts for months. Why do you want to make me give up this opportunity. Why can't you be happy for me after all I've been through. I'm going to be 27 years old fallon I need to be an adult and think about the future.

 

Did you tell him to quit? If you did, he is right. You should never demand someone change their dream for you. But if they can have their dream and you were just asking to move out of the family home...that is different.

 

Why does he say, "why can't you be happy for me after all I have been through."? Is he talking about the business opportunity because of the failed one in FL? If so, weren't you happy for him? I mean, other than having to live with his family?

 

I know I can make you happy. Can I give you any more fallon? I don't think you relize what you are doing and I know you will feel nothing but regret. Can it even possibly be repaired or do we have no choice but to end this.

 

He says can it even be repaired. So you were still together. Why wasit moving = finished? Wasn't it discussed that you stay together but work out a different arrangement for living circumstances?

 

I want you to be the woman that I know that you can be, but I can't do it for you. We have fallen apart and I am so sad fallon. If I have any hope at this point I would only be causing myself more pain. I miss you so much fallon and I miss oreo. All i've done is miss you and you are gone “

 

"The woman you can be" -- what does he mean by that? Were there other issues that you had yourself that he wanted you to work on or change?

[Island Girl]

I know i have some committment issues when it comes to being in long term relationships

 

It is almost as if after 3 or 4 months i get scared when someone starts to get more serious w/me so i look for new options as a way out.

 

I was happy, falling in love, and was scared, am scared and do very stupid things when i start to feel that way. anyhow, now he just needs time to figure out how he feels about all of this and keeps saying he just doesn't know what he wants.

 

He says he needs time to figure it out. You've lost any power because you are apologizing over and over for having a drink - I am assuming nothing more happened.

 

So in this case I would tell him (part of your e-mail) either by e-mail or in person:

 

I made a mistake and had a drink with someone else. I didn't cheat on you, I didn't kiss him OR sleep with him. I have apologized and I haven't done it again.

 

We had a good relationship, a really good one. We just worked, we had a good connection on so many levels, want the same things, love the same things, have the same way of looking at things. We never really argued about anything, it was easy comfortable and that doesn't happen everyday.

 

I can't rebuild a relationship when you haven't given me a commitment to let me know there is something to build on or what to do to help you feel more secure.

 

You say you need to figure out what you want to do. But also know that I want to be with you. You care about me, I know you do, I'm sure you don't want me to put my life on hold waiting either. Because that would be selfish and you aren't selfish.

 

So all I can do now is let you know I am giving you the time and space to figure it all out. And per your wishes, I won't sit around waiting.

 

I hope that when you realize what we had, as I have, you'll come to me and it won't be too long.

 

Then NC him. Be out and about and HAPPY. If you run into him don't talk about it. Have great fun short conversations. And in a week and a half or so start dating other people. Make sure it is group settings for a little while. Hopefully he'll come around. But I'm not sure that'd be a good thing if you are still dealing with issues.

 

---- Sorry fjk82 I don't want to highjack the thread.

[fjk82]

Hes saying that hes been crying, etc because Oct 28th of last year is when HE left Florida to go to PA to start that job and I stayed behind and didn't come until March. We never broke up at all during that period..He was in tears all of the time afraid to death that I wasnt going to come there and end our rship..

 

when he talked saying when i chose to seperate the two of u IS when i stayed behind in fl and took so so long to finally go there..

 

what happend was we closed our business. i had been working a full time job i never worked at our restaurant. well when we closed the restaurant he was having a hard time finding a new job. well then in the beg of oct last year i lost my job. and he told me he wasnt going to bring the PA thing up bc he knew i loved my job so since i lost it thats when he was all over me about it. basically sayin we need to up and leave all of a sudden and pay to get out of our lease in FL. there were no health reasons for him to go asap. only money reasons bc now i had just lost my job. but ill be honest i wanted us to stay in fl and search for another job first instead of up and leaving bc the last thing i wanted was to move back to pa and to especially move in with his parents bc i knew it would be hell for me.

 

the thing with him and his family not speaking that happend WHILE WE STILL LIVED IN PA BEFORE WE EVER MOVED DOWN TO FL. when he says u say one thing but actions show another. because when we was up there and i was suppoe to be coming there i kept putting it off..id say fine im finally coming then i would delay it bc i knew i didnt want to be there..trust me i know that was wrong but for some reason i couldnt help it..i was not thinking clear..

 

we would have HAD to stay with his family because remember i lost my job in oct and we went there the last week of oct. he started his job and was paying ALL OF MY BILLS..my car, insurance, ccredit cards, everything and basically paying for me to live in FL while he was in PA..i know i know its wrong..trust me..i know and i hate myself for it every day..hate myself for it..so he had no money to save because hes paying all my crap down there so he needed me to get to PA and find a job and we could get back on our feet again then move out of his parents. i had a major problem with this for obvious reasons with regard to his family and then i had not lived at home since i was 18yrs old and adam and i had our own place for the past 4yrs so that would have been very hard..i hate to say it but i was NOT being supportive of him with this job bc i wanted us to stay in fl and i know i was wrong and how would we live, etc but for some reason i wasnt thinkin of that at the time. i was being horrible and i know it now and thats why i hate myself..he did the right thing but at the time i didnt see any of this..i hate myself..im in tears right now..

 

his unbelievable effort to make me happy was paying my bills, and hes done and been there for me thru everything..everything during our 4yrs together..he always been there for me..always did everything for me..he would die for me..at this point he came down to fl to our house on feb 1st with a uhaul and packed our apartment up. i was suppose to follow him back in my car to pa but at the last moment i decided i wanted to stop and see my dad (my dad lives in fl and my mom lives in pa) so adam left without me and went back to pa. i told adam id stay at my dads for a week and then id finally go to pa. well i stayed a few weeks and got to pa on march 1st finally..again i know it was wrong of me..that was me being disrecptful bc i was always giving him false hope and putting him thru hell saying im coming then delay it. w

when we first moved to FL we were both done with college. we moved down..he had the resturant and i didn't work. i stayed at home for a few months until i found a job i liked. we were lucky to be able to do that and he was paying my bills.. that never bothered him he wanted me to find a job i enjoyed. and i did..and when i got my job i didnt need him to pay my bills. we went back to splitting everything as usual. just when i had hard times he always had my back financially and he never cared about it he wanted to do it.

i was nt being supportive at all when it came to the pa family job. i wanted him to leave and come back to fl to the unknown and yes i know its wrong..trust me but i didnt see that at the time i was being selfish and i hate myself so so much ..im hurting so bad and i deserve it..no wonder he doesnt want me back. would u want me back? hell no..nobody would...hes never comingback..

 

no he didnt have other issues when it came to me changing. he wanted me to be a part of his family business "women u can be"..when he sent that email a week earlier i had left his house and went to stay with my mom and try to think about what i was going to do. he was so afraid i wasnt coming back and thats why he was saying can it be repaired he never NEVER wanted to end it and break up. he was scared to death thats what i was going to do. so much had happend during those months (oct-march) and i put him thru so much pain..and then i went there the next day and packed all our **** and left and it was the biggest mistake ive ever made and hes gone forever out of my life..i know it..and u know it too..i was a horrible horrible person and selfish..but now its to late..and can't take it back..hes gone forever. i feel it in my heart and in the pits of my soul...i hate myself so bad..so so bad for what i put him thru and all iw ant to do is make it better and be back in his arms but that will never happen again..im in tears..

[Island Girl]

Okay. First -- calm down and don't cry anymore. You are on track - get yourself together. I am glad you had friends over for dinner. You need company.

 

I am thankful for the clarification about your history. But don't relive it. It is just chapters in the book of your life - past history. And you still have a long path ahead of you.

 

I appreciate the fact that he was paying your bills. I really do. But those situations happen when you are in a commited relationship. They just do especially after living together for 4 years.

 

I still think it could - and should have -- been handled differently than living with his parents. But that is water under the bridge.

 

Yes, it was wrong not to be honest with him about when you were going and the "I don't want to!" thoughts going through your head. But as you say, he loves you -- he should have understood that.

 

You didn't want to hurt him more by telling him it would be longer when he was already acting so ripped up at how long it has already been. But it was a very hard thing to do. How do you prepare yourself to move into a hostile household? And how long does it take to get to the point where you are okay with it and happy about it?

 

I've done way worse, I told you. Really bad. So don't beat yourself up so much.

 

Did you tell him about any of this after or when you were contemplating leaving? Why did moving out of his parents house constitute a break up?

 

Because you wanted to go back to FL?

Or possibly because you told him to leave PA and not take over the business?

 

You aren't a horrible person. You didn't handle this perfectly but niether did he. Really. It would never be an option for my husband to have me live in a terrible, depressing, hostile environment for an endless time.

 

You don't know when you would have moved out. And you don't know how staying would have effected your relationship. It would have, believe me.

 

So now comes the task of putting yourself back on track. Let him get his head on straight. You said you begged and called him crying over and over.

How soon after you left?

What was your solution to the problem of having to live with his family? Or was the suggestion he should move to FL?

 

He is taking time to focus and get his head on straight. DO THE SAME. Take some time to you back to yourself. You need some perspective. Right now you are so close to it, 'you can't see the forest for the trees'.

 

 

You have been doing so well. Don't relive it anymore. You can't change it. But you CAN work on what is going to happen in the future. Nothing will happen if you don't get yourself *together*.

 

That includes forgiving yourself for being very unhappy and getting out of there. How it happened is how it happened. You made the best decision you could at the time. Give yourself permission to make mistakes.

 

I don't know that he is gone for good. Niether do you really. It is unimportant right now. You can't get back together right now. It just wouldn't work as much as you say you want it - it would NOT be for the best. LOTS of reasons but first on the list is he is not ready for it. On that note niether are you. There is too much he is going through and too much you have lost in all this. You need that back. Seriously. Whatever happens you need that girl - not this one.

 

Focus, focus, focus.

[fjk82]

island ill respond to ur post tomorrow...

 

i was just watching this movie and it made me very sad...it was all about family and your loved ones and how u should be different etc..and life is to short and we all know it is..especially adam with his mother..

 

i really in my heart went to send him a little email..saying it was nice seeing him, wish i wasnt that drunk and im sorry i was, and i do wish to speak to him and i promise not to speak of "us"..i know this is the one thing everyone here is telling me NOT to do..but i can't help it and i feel in my heart that i really want and need to do this so can u please help me..help me with wording the email so i dont send something really bad..i know u dont agree..but its something i have to do..

[fjk82]

i know its wrong u guys..i know what u are going to say..but island i need the help ..i need to send the email..so please help me with it..i want to send it tomorrow...

good night all..i was fine all day..of coursei thought of him but ive been thinking of doing the email thing for awhile and its something i have to do..help me word it...

[Island Girl]

It is not the thing to do. But I will help with what I would say then you can modify, send as is or create your own (obviously).

[fjk82]

im so afraid now down in fl all by myself..dont get me wrong i have great friends..and my dad lives 4hours away from me...BUT IT DOESNT COMPARE to not having adam and my mom around..they are way to far..and i know im not with him anymore but he was my family..and i miss my mother so much i cant stand not being able to just stop by whenever..if i would have stayed with adam in pa i would be within 3hrs to her..what did i do to my life..i have ruined it..and can NEVER have it back..adam is done with me for the rest of my life..he will never be mine again..he will never take me back...i ruined my life and i could be happy in pa with him and also have my mom close to me..i miss them both so damn much life is to short to be un happy..and look what i did..i cant take it..i cant..why did i do this to myself..now im alone in fl without the people that mean the most to me..hes gone forever and i only see my mom twice a year...help me..im so afraid..why cant he come back to me..why cant i have my life back and know what i know now..why couldnt i have this clear thoughts during this time ...why..why is life so un fair..people get 2nd chances all the time but NOT ME

[Island Girl]

Hello Adam,

 

I hope you are doing well. I know you have been going through a rough time. I just hope day by day it gets better.

 

I am glad I got to see you when I was up in PA. It was harder than it had to be because of alcohol but it is what it is. At least enough was said that I have started thinking more clearly, so thanks.

 

I know you said you'd call but I also know why you didn't. It took me a little while but I finally was able to get some perspective on things.

 

You are right to take whatever steps you need to because you are going through enough right now. You have a very full plate with the business and everything else.

 

You also are right in thinking I need some time and space to get things sorted out. But I can't thank you enough for knowing that and yet letting me come to that realization on my own.

 

I do miss being able to talk to you. I think of you and wonder how you are and how everything is going. As you know it is too soon for either of us to talk about anything to do with 'us' - our relationship, but our friendship doesn't have to be forgotten.

 

<close> -- something like, "look forward to speaking with you soon" or something like that. You don't imply he needs to call or you are waiting for him to call - or that you are GOING to call. It is just implied that you'll talk. THIS is very important.

 

fjk82 - I hope I had enough info to get it right, nuances of conversations are hwere the theme comes from. So if it has to be changed or altered then make sure to do it.

[Island Girl]

You can move up to be near your mom - just because you moved to FL doesn't mean you can't move back. So that isn't ruined.

 

And about Adam - no one knows what the future holds. People who go through DIVORCES get remarried sometimes.

 

You just gotta work on YOU. You are not in any kind of rational state of mind and any relationship would be doomed to fail if you were in it AS IS.

 

So get started. The longer you stay in this frame of mind the harder it will be to come out of it and holy hell if Adam DOES want you back and you are just stepping out of this. It'll never work. So get it together. You were doing FINE.

 

I DON'T think you should send an e-mail. It is too soon. But you say you must. I HOPE NOT. But you say you have to.

 

No matter WHAT you need to keep doing things for you to help yourself.

[fjk82]

Thank you Island and I know I shouldn't send the email and I was doing very very well but I felt in my heart that I needed to..I used your email and added an ending to it. Nothing much just hope to hear from you soon kinda deal..

I read what u wrote over and over and I know its sending him a good message. I dont want him to think wow shes totally over me, etc but I want him to see Im finally being smart and a bigger person about it and I felt thats what ur email was saying..

 

I need to focus on myself and I know this. But I also know in the bottom of my heart hes not coming back..today after work im going right to the gym and working my lil but off.. i really need to get in the habit of doing that..anything to keep my mind off of him..

[Island Girl]

-- was it "hope to hear from you soon"?

 

The reason my ending was structured that way was because it wasn't letting him know to call or write or anything else - and that you weren't commited to writing, calling, e-mailing either. It just left a wide open door on both sides with no expectations.

 

GREAT about your new outlook. That is EXACTLY how you will get yourself back together.

 

 

Working out will make you feel good too. It can't hurt you looks either! lol

[fjk82]

Hi guys!

 

Yeah it was hope to hear from you soon Island

 

He read the email as of this morning..But last night was upsetting..I was sick of not hearing from him and I called I KNOW IT WAS A MISTAKE BUT IT HAPPEND i havent dialed that number in almost 2months..I called and it rang and went to voicemail after the 3rd ring as always..I was just getting back home and my cell rang and it was HIS NAME on my caller ID...My heart stopped..I picked up and it was dead air.I said hello twice and nobody was there..SO I hung up..Sat there for a moment...Then called him back..It rang 3 times and went to voice mail like it always does but his mailbox was full...Then I didn't hear from him for the rest of the night..and i dont plan on calling again..i know i shouldn't have yesterday but i was fed up with the NC and i read a post on here under breaking up and it was talking about being against nc so i kinda went in the moment..So I guess he dialed me on accident or I dont know but it was such a hurtful tease..Ive been waiting for that call for 5months..You can only imagiane how I felt and still feel..

But I checked and he read my email this morning..So we will see if anything comes out of it. I dont think I look horrible for calling..I guess maybe to some I do but that was my life for 4yrs and I want to see how hes doing..But now that I look back on it he makes it obvious he doesnt want to talk to me by not calling, etc..im having a hard time excepting this bc of how we were for so long and that isnt him at all..i guess i dont know this adam after all whats happend to him..i dont know..

[Island Girl]

Ok -- please try and remember IF you contact it is VERY important that there is no expectation of a call from you OR from him.

 

"Hope to hear from you soon" indicated you hope to receive a call from him. Nooooooo more please. This is what leads to you waiting to see if he will call and leads him to believe you are waiting...

 

You want him to think you AREN'T waiting. You are fine. You are a beautiful, well-adjusted, happy, smart, funny girl. Why would YOU be waiting! --- I hope you get that point.

 

I doubt he called by mistake. After 5 months he accidentally calls? No way. It also fits that he didn't know what to say when you answered. Dead air. Just remember if he calls again take a deep breath get yourself completely under control and answer " hey you!" or something cheery and breezy. You want him to know it is going to be an upbeat conversation. Not one that is going to be emotion filled or filled with dread.

 

So now what? Well, you already called him back. And he just got your e-mail but it was sent BEFORE he called, right?

 

So now you wait. If you HADN'T already called (don't call right back it makes him a priority and you don't want that right now. You want no pressure on either side - or at least the illusion of it) then you could have put a call out today or tomorrow - like "hey I saw you called. Hope everything is good and I'll talk to you later."

 

Can't stress enough the "talk to you later". Will you talk to him later? How? Will he call? Will you call? There is no answer in that statement. It is loose. The options are kept open. He doesn't feel he is supposed to but it is implied he can feel free to. The same on your side.

 

You don't look horrible for calling. I wouldn't do it again for no reason. Just wait and see what happens. The way the whole thing seems to be playing out really isn't bad.

 

So HEAD UP fjk82! ---- I thought about you all day yesterday. I figured something was happening when there was no response. I am glag it was nothing that major. You are doing just fine.

[fjk82]

Yeah well the only reason I even called him yesterday was bc I checked his email to see if he had read the email I sent him the other day..Well as of yesterday he still didn't read it yet ...Well I started going thru his other email and yes yes yes I know its bad and wrong well I never find anything in this email and he always leaves everything out bc like ive said before hes not a computer person. Well I saw he had 2 messages in his "junk" file hotmail accounts automatically filter that stuff in there for you..Well I looked in it and there was a email and the title was hello adam....

So I clicked it and all it said was this

 

"I've got it ;)"

Then at the bottom was a website address..I flipped and my heart sank so I clicked the website and it was a dating service..Now I searched for him and found NOTHING..Well thats when I broke and called. I wasn't going to say anything about that but I just couldn't take it anymore and thats when I finally dialed that number..After awhile I was thinking about that email and talking to my Mom and her and I both were like He would NEVER go on a dating website EVER thats not him at all and his mother just died a few months ago and he just got out of a very very serious r-ship with me not that long ago. And I was like I THINK that was just an ad that was sent to him but what was throwing me off was the subject hello adam but his email addy has his name in it..And if you sign up for a dating site they email you saying welcome and ur sign in is this etc and he had NONE of that in his email. Now I signed up for this website to search him and they sent me an welcome email etc and like I said before he NEVER DELEATES ANYTHING..Even stuff he signs up for online so I freaked over nothing..

 

Now with him calling me yesterday..Maybe he accidently hit my number since I was the last call on his phone from me calling him then he hung up after realizing it was me...

Or after that happend my best friend Sarah sent me a tx message saying she just tried calling me twice but it went right to voicemail and i was like ohh no did my cell malfunction and it was really sarah calling but adams name showed up on the id bc that was the last number i had called?? i dont understand how his name showed up but no one was there...it broke my heart...ive been waiting for that name to show up on my caller id for almost 6months now..it was the WORST feeling in the world to hear nothing on the other end..i really dont get it

 

he didn't read my email until this morning..so i guess we will wait and see..i really wish this would go somewhere..but i really dont think its going to..i miss this man so much..i dont feel complete anymore..i wonder if he feels the same way or hes dating and has moved on..

[fjk82]

Now Im freaking about that email again..Do you think it was an ad?? Im really thinking it was or maybe Im tellin myself that but seriously he wouldn't sign up for a dating thing and there was nothing in his email indicating that he did and this was in his junk folder and the chicks name was susan hall that is a very common name..Im really hoping it was an ad....i gimiac to make people click it to see wtf they are talking about,....right? oh boy im about to be in tears again..

[Ukwizard]

I give up! I ve got no energy left to give my opinions, or give any advice.

 

If you read all through this thread. I did mention that this would happen about your ex going onto dating websites, and getting emails from women.

 

This is what I predicted weeks ago, and I did mention what you would do about it, but I don`t recall you ever answering my question.

 

I ve been through all this before. First of all don`t panic. The message your ex has is in the JUNK folder.

 

You can`t do nothing in his emails. If he finds out he will go NUTS. Trust me. My ex has a inkling that I ve had access to her account.

 

You can`t also rely on his email account on his dating life. I found out my ex went out dating other people, and only found out months after when someone emailed her, and asked how her current man was. People date outside the web you know.

 

I m just a bit suspicous Adam`s ex is hanging around. By the way, it maybe an idea to stop calling your ex by his real name. He may come across this site you know. Just call him `A`, and we`ll know who he is.

 

I still think you are still VERY hung up on your ex. You talk about him like no other man in this world.

 

I`m kind of saddened because on the 28th October 2005, my ex split up with me with no explanation by email. Its going to be a year! I ve dated 2 other girls during that time. Although both are nice, they still don`t match up to my ex. The pain ain`t half as bad. I m getting on with life, and trying to help others. Thats if they will listen!

[fjk82]

UK--

 

I really think that was an AD email I really dont think I actually Im 99.9% positive he isn't on dating websites trust me that isn't him at all..Plus I searched him on that site that the link was on and they sent me a welcome email and he didn't have one in his and he never deleates ANYTHING and everything hes signed up for online sports sites, car sites, and other stuff he alll has his welcome stuff etc so I really really really believe it was an adverisment..I really do..

 

I know I talk like hes the only one bc n my eyes he is..I regreat what I did to this man and our r-ship and I deserve the hurt and pain Im going thru for what I did to him..Its hard to understand bc I know people have done worse and they get 2nd chances but for some reason god doesn't believe I deserve one..I would be so different in my rship with him I really really would..My eyes are open now and Id apperciate everything so much more...I didn't see that way when I was with him and now I lost him? Learned the hard way? That is really bad and Im a good person and I DONT want to look at this as a leason learned..Losing someone who was the most important thing in my life as a leason learned...

UK--Im sorry about ur situation Ill have to find ur original post and write some comments are they still on here?

[Ukwizard]

Hey Fjk

 

I apologise if I sounded a bit iffy in my last post. I didn`t mean to. Its not a personal dig at you either. Its just I`ve given you my scenarios, whats happened to me, advice, opinions, and nothing ever gets fed back, or debated back to me. Its like everything I say, or do gets over ridden by A.

 

This was my part of my post on the 7th October,

 

What I believe is that she (Fjk) still has a chance. Her ex hasn`t actively gone out to dating websites, and advertise himself. My ex did. What she may have to deal with in future, is finding out her ex b/f is getting emails from a new woman. Now that will be heart rendering. This happened to me, when I found out my ex was getting to know men on the web.

UK--Im sorry about ur situation Ill have to find ur original post and write some comments are they still on here?

Thats okay, there`s no need to apologise. I m in the same scenario as you. I want my ex back too.

 

I would be so different in my rship with him I really really would..

I sound EXACTLY like you, and my last posts have mentioned that my ex didn`t think I was intimate enough. I didn`t talk. Too immature. (sense of humour by the way!) These are things that can be fixed, but yet she chose to walk away. The problem is, there is always one partner that can believe things can be improved while the other does`nt seem to think so.

 

You`re speaking to a man here. When a woman walks out on a man. His ego is bruised, battered, and destroyed. It takes time to get his ego back.

 

I truly hope you do get him back. Its natural to think about him all the time. When something is gone, we miss it. Trust me though. As time goes by, you will think of him less, and less. The pain does shift, and it only will crop up at night when you go to sleep, and when you wake up. Take care of yourself for now, and go out with your girlie friends, and treat yourself.

 

Thats how I got by. I worked harder to improve myself, and my mental state. I m better than what I was 11 months ago!

 

I don`t know if you can remember, but my last posts I mentioned I got a call from my ex. I got 2 calls in fact. My heart raced like yours. My ex hadnt spoken to me in months. When I answered the second time. There was silence at the other end too. I m not going to mention what happened, as I ve already said all this before in a previous post.

 

Losing someone who was the most important thing in my life as a leason learned...

I m with you on that one, but be careful what you say. There is another man far superior than your ex. You just haven`t found him yet!

 

Take care for now.

[fjk82]

You know what Im really really really afraid of...

 

When we ran into eachother up in PA a few weeks ago..What if he didn't feel anything when he saw me and talked to me like he thought he would have and thats why he had choose not to meet up with me. Maybe he thought it would have been to much but then fate happend and we ran into eachother anyway and maybe he had no feeling..Maybe he realized right then and there that he didn't love me anymore and thats why I have not heard from him since. I would like to think he had feeling and maybe it was to much and hurt him and thats why he didn't call but I highly doubt it. I really feel he knew he could be without me like that feeling wasn't there like he thought it might be when we ran into eachother..

 

Im also beyond depressed that he can NEVER forgive me for walking out on him. After 4yrs and to do it the way I did. He will NEVER forgive me for that and its easier to ignore the situation and move on without me then deal with it and try and make it work..Why guys..Why can't he give me another chance. I dont think hes playing games..I think he does know that he doesnt want me anymore and thats why he doesnt call and he tells me straight up he wants to keep n touch but not get back together but im so stupid that I think hes goin thru so much with his mom, etc that he will come around sometime hopefully soon. What the hell is wrong with me..Why do I have such wishful thinking..I know it I know hes done with me and he probably had no feeling or not the strong feeling he thought he MIGHT have had if he saw me when I asked him to. I know it..He didn't feeel "it" for me anymore..I looked bad and he prolly looked at me and realized i can do better without her and with someone else i love her but not like i use to...im so so hurt and so so sad right now..people break up and still talk. its been 6months since we broke up and he STILL can't speak to me??? and we were together and lived together for 4yrs????????????? wow....if thats not a slap in the face i dont know what is..i thought he would never beable to live without me..allll those months from nov 05-feb 06 while i stayed in FL and he was in PA begging me to get up there that was his time to heal from not being with me...he was in pain like i am now..so hes had the time to get over me since i refused to go..hes had all that time to mend thru break up since i physically wasn't there..wow..i really ruined my life..i can't be without him and now i am..

[fjk82]

Ahhh Island where are you?!

Im hurting bad and Im interested in what you have to say about my LAST post I put up yesterday and what Im about to say now. Last night was beyond hard on me I was crying all night long..I saw that he had signed up for myspace so me knowing his password I signed on to his account. He had sent out 3 emails..1 to one of his best friends only saying hi then another 1 to some guy asking if he rembered him then 1 to this girl..i dont know who she is..it could be someone he went to college with bc her name sounds kinda firmaliar to me but it said " hey sweetheart? how are you doing"

so of course i go to click on her profile and its set to private all i know is shes 24 and lives in washington dc so shes about 4hours from where he lives..i was so upset and depressed and in tears all night long and still now. he has not written me back but he is clearly going on with his life and talks to everyone under the sun other then myself..WHY..after what we had..how and why..is he hooking up with this girl or other girls? is he looking to get into another rship or to just hook up with some chick to get over me or HE IS ALREADY OVER ME and HES NEVER COMING BACK..damn this hurts..island ill b checkin my account all day..so far this chick has not written him back she hasn't gotton it yet so im interested to see what it says...i need ur advice i know ur goin to tell me to stay out of his email but ic an't help myself i just can't believe that hes thinkin about girls after his mom only being dead for 4months now and me leaving him 6months ago after a 4yr rship where he loved me so much..i guess he didn't..i guess everything was a lie..my entire life..

[fjk82]

Where is everyone at...

 

Island where you at girl? Your making me worried its been like 2 days lol..Hope everything is ok..Im dyin over here without your advice

 

Hope everyone has a great weekend,..Im trying to stay busy and get my mind off of everything that I wrote about the last 2 days..Any advice woud be great..Im prayin to god Im just over reacting but I dunno..I guess hes really over me and wants nothing to do with me..Im stupid to think hes broken hearted and thats why he can't talk to me..

[Island Girl]

Hey you -

 

Well my last post hasn't showed up yet -- sent it a while ago but my posts never show up right away. It sucks and LS won't contact me back to let me know why I can't have an Avatar and why I can't enable PM. I have contacted the 3 times. Nothing. <sigh>

 

On to you ~

 

Okay you already know you should stay out of his e-mail. But now that you have gone in and read the message to that girl - well, if they had an ongoing relationship there would have been more to the e-mail. He only sent 3 e-mails. That's all. So his life isn't hopping with activity.

 

AND your best hope is if he is dating someone. I know that sounds crazy but the rebound girl is your best bet - those relationships are just about gauranteed to fail. I really don't think he is though. I don't see his behavior alluding to a girlfriend at all.

 

You say that all that time when he was begging you to go to PA he was getting over you. WRONG. You can't start "getting over someone until you have no contact. Now don't start getting freaked out because you guys are NC right now.

 

I keep telling you this but you don't acknowledge it so I will say it again. If you got back together now it would almost certainly be a death sentence.

You have a long way to go at this point before you are really prepared to get back together.

 

You want to get back into a healthy relationship. Not one where you are insecure, unsure, and second guessing EVERYTHING. That is how you would be right now.

 

I keep telling you - you need to get your head on straight. That means getting the YOU back that he was with for 4 years. I know it is hard but you have to get motivated. You can not stay "stuck" and you are soooo stuck right now.

 

That is why you ARE over reacting. You are minimizing the 4 years you spent together. You are underestimating yourself too. Do you really think you are so easily replaced? You aren't. You are a unique individual and he was with YOU for 4 years. He would not have spent 4 years with you - living with you - if he didn't think you were special. And 4 years of living with someone isn't easy. There are marriages that don't last that long.

 

The other thing is - I know you think he is the most wonderful thing on the planet. But not every girl is going to think so. Please. Please. Please. Believe me. It is a tough market out there. Just look at the others on LS who are struggling with relationships, dating, even MEETING people. It is a difficult world out there and it gets more difficult the older you get as you realize more and more what you do and don't want. He wanted YOU he is not going to be able to find another YOU.

 

But the you that you have twisted yourself into over the last few months isn't going to work. He doesn't know you this way. To be so sad and self berated is not attractive to anyone.

 

Quit beating yourself up. Quit saying you ruined your life and that your life with him was a lie. It wasn't a lie. And you didn't ruin your life.

 

You are going through a tough time right now. But you are making it tougher. Saying those kinds of things, even if it is to yourself will make it tougher.

 

Try and remember before this all happened. What was your self image like. You believed in yourself didn't you? ----- Why did you believe in yourself and your strengths then and NOT NOW?

 

Because of him? Not good enough. You have your own qualities that have NOTHING AT ALL to do with him.

 

I know you are hurting. I know it is hard. Just remember TIME is on your side. You have to get prepared for the future whether it is with him or somebody else.

You have a lot of options down the road.

But they are down the road FOR A REASON.

They WILL NOT WORK RIGHT NOW.

 

They won't work for you because of where his head is right now. They will not work for you because of where your head is right now.

 

The only thing you can do right now - the thing you HAVE to do right now - is work on YOURSELF. Get your head together. Quit making those terrible statements about ruining your life, and beating yourself up. You HAVE to stop.

 

You are a beautiful, intelligent, caring, and so-much-more girl. All of that has NOTHING to do with him and everything to do with you.

 

So what can you do to get yourself back together? You are working out. That helps. You are seeing friends. That helps. Are you going out? A little bit of ego-boosting can work wonders. C'mon, work with me here. You need to get your confidence and your sparkle back. You are the only one that can do that so GET ON IT. I am not insensitive. I just know what you are doing now is counterproductive.

 

You have gone to a level that you must not ever get to - you do not sacrifice yourself or beat yourself up because of ANY relationship. You hold yourself as a priority. You have to. Even in love -- you must care for your core self. That beautiful fun loving girl who smiles back at you in the mirror. Doesn't she deserve better than this? I think so.