Update Again..need Input

[BannaBee57]

Yeah, after thinking about it, you are right about the pics. Wait a few months or so and send them.

 

I know you are still hurting...so am I. It will take us a while to feel better. If he calls you when he's down there do you think you would feel better by just talking to him, if he still didn't want you back. Or, would you be even more hurt seeing him but knowing he doesn't want to try again? No one knows why he isn't willing to speak to you, but I would have to guess that it's because when he spoke to you in the past you pushed him so hard about getting back together so he's afraid you will still do that.

 

My ex called about the phone bill last week, but I didn't answer because I knew it was just to tell me about the bill. Yes, we could have made small talk and I probably could have even got him to go out for coffee or something with me, but what good will that do? He said he wants to be "friends", but that doesn't meen he wants me back. Talking to him really frustrates me right now...especially when it's just about the phone bill. I wonder if I should get off the bill and see if he ever talks to me again. He left a message and told me exactly what I owed him and then said, "ok, so call me back. Bye". Now, why would he want me to call him back? He told me everything I needed to know, there was no need to talk to him further. I didn't call back; I just sent him a check the next day. Did he want to talk to me or see me or did it just come out of his mouth because he's so used to saying it in a message? I don't know and I probably never will. I guess when he calls next month about the bill I'm going to answer. I need help with my computer before I go back to school and he will be able to help me and I just want to see if we can hang out without me falling to pieces. Argh! After all the crap he said to me at the bar that night I'm just freaking out and can't get the thought out of my head that part of him might still want me. What do you think I should do??

 

See, this contact is causing me a lot of emotional distress...do you really want that for yourself?

[silentalways]

whoa! chillax man. if i may make a suggestion, it sounds like yer reactions might not have changed from the rs and they sense that. do not overthink things and when u ask for something, think it thru. if u just want one email, be happy u get one don't expect more. start being more aware of yer reactions and u will see how they are associated with what u are getting back. a while back i asked my ex for one phone call, didn't even need to talk with her, just a message and i said it would help me move on health wise and i promised no strings attached and did i get a call?

 

nope.

 

did it set me back?

 

nope

 

because all u can control is yerself.

 

hey, if someone told me that a simple call would help with a health issue i'd do it to satlan or hitler [not really] but that's me - not her. the sooner u stop placing yer standards and expectations on her, the quicker u actually start seeing things clearly.

 

btw, i went house hunting tonite and put a bid on a new place - finally a real kitchen and master bedroom - yes.

 

and one last thing, don't fake what u say - women can smell desparation from a mile away and it stinks big time - so just actually get on with things.

 

stay kewl

[BannaBee57]

Just to let you know, both fjk and I are girls

 

I guess you didn't really read the posts...

[fjk82]

Hello there!

 

Well Banna..I deff think you need to get taken off the cell plan and get yourself your own plan that you get the bill for. Since you guys are broken up there is no need for that and since this phone call is driving ya crazy your better off having your own bill. So go to Verizon and get a plan in your name )

 

Your right when you say you can't help but wonder if some part of him still wants to be with you but hes fighting that. That is how I feel with my X. Ive been thinking a lot about my situation and I feel really ****ty about myself and how I handled myself and him when his Mom died. We still were not talking that much right before she died I was still begging him to take me back and how I made a mistake and when I heard she died I was calling and calling and calling him because I was in tears and felt the need to be there by his side thru all of that. I was going to buy a plane ticket and his best friends up north who were with him even told me they thought I needed to be there and I was going to stay with one of his best friends. Well his best friend told my X that I WAS coming up and he was letting me stay with him and my X told him to tell me that even though he apperciates it its better that I dont come..I understood since he was going thru enough and Im sure the last thing he wanted to do was see me the women who broke his heart and left him. So I respected that. But at the same time I was still calling prayin to god he would answer. I just wanted to talk to him atleast 1 time and express my sympthy, etc for what just happend with his mother. I was calling a lot and emailing a lot and even though I was talking about that I was always saying how I wanted to be back with him and be there for him and I can't live without him, etc. I came off as EXTREMLEY selfish and I really didn't see it at the time and I hate myself for doing that to him. But I can't take it back. All I want to do now is write him a letter and send it to him. Stating why I left him and how sorry I feel for acting selfish during the time when his Mother died., etc. I just have so much to say but I dont know if I should do it before he flys down here or afterwards. I just want him to talk to me. It kills me and floods my brain as to why he doesn't speak to me. I know I broke his heart but come on. Im trying this NC thing but Im afraid its going to have a bad affect on me and him. That im not trying hard enough, or I dont care, . I know hes not showing me anything and hes told me NO but I broke this mans heart..Feelings dont just change that fast. Love like that does not just go away. I really want him to understand where Im coming from and how sorry I am and how I didn't mean to come off that way. Do I do it in email that I KNOW he will get and hopefully take the time to read it all or should I send a letter that I wont know if he will get. And do I do it before or after hes here in FL. I really want and NEED to see him.I really do..

[BannaBee57]

FJK,

 

Yeah, I agree about the phone bill but I just can't bring myself to do it right now.

 

Anyway, I don't think you should write him a letter before he comes down. He knows that you feel bad about what happened, trust me! I think you should wait and see if he contacts you when he's down there. If he doesn't then it's really time to let go. If he does call you then you can proceed from there. I think you have the wrong idea about the NC. You said you feel that he might think you aren't doing enough to get him back. If that's true then he's a jerk! He knows how much pain you are going through and if he is seriously waiting for you to do more before he lets you back in then thats just cruel. No one would do that...I think he's just trying to let you get yourself together without being around to confuse you.

 

So, wait and see what happens when he comes down there. Don't do anything more that you're going to kick yourself for later.

[fjk82]

I understand that you can't bring yourself to do it..I do..Because that seems to be the 1 thing that is keeping you guys still in some sort of contact.

 

I keep thinking if I dont do the letter then it will be more easier for him not to contact me when hes down here. That maybe if I did it and put it all out there and Im still trying that it might make him think about it and maybe just maybe act on it. Or Im doing all of this again for no reason and he really doesn't care or have any feeling inside of him that wants me back but for some reason Im still having such a hard time believing that even though he doesn't give me any reason to have any believe.

 

Its driving me crazy. If I didn't go thru what I did when I left him I wouldnt be the person I am right now. I would still not be domestic, Id have no interest in cooking, Id still have an attitude all the time with him. Now I want to be the little wife and cook and be nicer and be sexual again bc for a long time with him I stopped all sexual contact. I still look back and wonder why I did but I just was not interested in having sex with him or anything and I know that hurt him ALOT and really made him self concious but now all I WANT to do is make love to him again. Im thinking these are all the reasons that hes not taking me back..

[fjk82]

Well today is the day..Its offically done and over with..I was @ a meeting today and it was running behind so I grabbed my cell phone out and started checking my email. Well I went into my X's myspace and remember a little while ago I told u guys on here that some chick named Sarah had put a comment on her friends page saying ADAM IS SO HOT tell him not to get a gf until im home for xmas , etc...

 

Well she had sent him a email and friend request. The email was talking about how she wishes she was goin to FL to go to the PSU game and all that **** and at the end she goes im sorry for all those comments i put on my friends page..

 

Well he wrote her back..Talking about the game and how hes going with his dad and at the end he says are u back in town? if so we should go out sometime..

 

Broke my heart..Hes really over me and hes moving on..Not thinking of me anymore..My eyes filled with tears and then my meeting began..I sat thru it and we got to take a break..I went into my car and called my mom but no answer..Finally I said **** this and i blocked my number and called him...he answered....

 

he answers..i go adam? he says yeah...and i go its me...silence...

he sounded shocked..unemotional..down when he found out it was me..he asked how i was i asked the same and then he goes im sorry it was a blocked # so i thiought you were jason..so we make small talk and u could tell he was VERY uncomfortable..finally i go i was sick of waiting for him to call so i just decided to call u and he goes im sorry i have been wanting to call you but ive been busy and i go come on now we are both adults..u can never be busy enough to call someone. and he goes ive been wanting to call u..u have not emailed me in awhile so i was wondering how u have been doing..

so he asks about my family..and i tell them they are fine...i hear his work phone ringing and he goes i dont want to cut u off but u have to understand that im working and i need to get back to work i will call u back..i was like adam i know u wont call me back and he goes no i am i feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders ill call u tonight and if i dont call tonight i will tomorrow night..so me thinking this is prolly the last time ill ever have him oon the phone says 1 final thing..finally i go i want u to knkow that im not going to be this emotional person who talks about our rship everytime u speak to me. but after so much time has gone by it builds up and i just have to get it out of me just once..im sorry for what i did...and i sorry for what happend to your family..just know that no matter what happend between u and i or me and them i still view them as my famiy and im sorry..he got very quiet..then i go can i ask u something he says yes...i go are u comin down here for the psu game...he says yes....i go did u have any intentions on getting a hold of me while u were down here...he said no..basically saying what would be the point of it? i really think my heart stopped beating at the sound of that..i told him that when hes here it would be nice if maybe we can do dinner or drinks one night and he said he didnt know but he isn't going to say no to that yet..and that he will call me tonight or tomm night that he really had to go..

he also said during the convo that so much happend beween us we just started living seperate lives that we grew apart and its hard but so much happend and everything happens for a reason..that upset me bc that shows right there hes not wanting to have a 2nd chance..

so we will see if he calls..im sure he wont..i was tearing in the convo but i couldn't help it..wish i could have

i know i should not have called...i know i still shouldnt be lookin at his email..i know all of these things but ccan't seem to break it..

so it is obvious to me know that hes not thinking about getting back together now or ever in the future..

oh yea and at 1 point when i told him i was sorry i said i have ruined my life.and he made this sigh kinda sound and he goes u ruined ur life??? and i go yea u were my life adam..

so im anxious to hear all ur opinions on this..its really done and over with huh? hes going to move on with this chick from that email and maybe fall in love and marry her..all done..for me..ive lost him forever because of a mistake i made...god can kill me now..i really dont want to live..

[Ssheena]

Well... at least you have your answer. Time to recover. Take a few days off and just mourn.

[BannaBee57]

Wow, calling him took a bit of balls. I'll give you credit for that. I think that you knew this was a possible outcome and just needed to have that last convo with him. Even if it was subconscious, something made you make that call and just get it over with.

 

My ex said the same thing...that too much had happened for a second chance right now. The thing that keeps me hanging on is the fact that he said "who knows what will happen in the future". At least Adam was relatively straight forward with you and didn't throw you little scraps of hope like that.

 

Well, if he calls then say everything you need to say to him (without going crazy of course). When you are done then maybe you can put it to bed because you've really done all you can. Don't push him to meet up with you though becasue it will only show him that you are still emotional about this...and no more "you were my life" stuff. This just makes him think that you are too dependent on him for you happiness. You will be able to be happy again. It will take time, but you will start to enjoy life and then find someone new. Too bad it had to drag on this long, but I understand that you still had hope...no one can fault you for loving someone. But, how long can you go on loving someone that doesn't love you back?

 

Also, you never know what is going on with this other girl. Maybe he's just flirting to get some attention. Not every new relationship will lead to love and marraige. Stop torturing youself with these thoughts.

 

Let us know if he calls. If he doesn't then I guess you can take it as a sign that he can't be friends with you...then you can move on.

[smoochie]

Hey Girl!!

 

I have been reading your posts for a while now and really hope you can get some peace soon. I know EXACTLY how you feel and I just want to tell you it really does get better. My ex changed his phone number. I could have called him at work but what would be the point of that? He didn't want me anymore. But after 10 months of NC, he finally got in contact with me and it was at that point I realized I never needed to hear from him again. It was better for me not to have any contact with him. Alot has happened since then but this isn't my thread...I just wanted to let you know you can make it. Have you ever seen a therapist? I don't remember if you said that in any earlier post. Coming to boards like this and definitely seeing a pro will go a long way in helping you deal with this loss.

 

Losing a bf/gf is just like someone dying. You going through all of the same emotions because it is a loss. And there is nothing you can do about it. Do we make ourselves look like a**holes? Yup. Desperate? Yup. Clingy? Yup. But after we finally pick ourselves up off the floor and can actually "see" the sunshine again, it gets easier every day.

 

I have only had two real long term relationships. Before then I was either the chick on the side or just someone to screw. I was jealous and very insecure. It took taking some time to myself and reflection for me to realize my self worth. I got married to a great guy but just not the one for me and knew from that point on, I am always the prize. So are you. Just because he may not want to be in a relationship with you anymore doesn't mean he didn't love you or didn't value you. He just wants something different. (And different does not mean better). In your mind, there should not be any other woman better than you. So since he can't do better than you, he just wants something different now. No knock against you at all. You may have done things wrong but that won't matter if he really loves you. The minute we start thinking "if only I had done this or that" is the moment we give up our self-dignity. There are no hoops you should have to jump through.

 

You have told him how you feel and that is that. It is up to him to pursue this any further. I know when you really want to hear his voice tell you he loves you and misses you, that they are the hardest times to work through. But if you call and he curses you out or sends you to voicemail all the time, how will that make you feel? Worse. I know you don't call him and I hope he doesn't call you back. Because if he does, that will be one more conversation to dwell over for no reason. HE WILL CONTACT YOU IF HE IS STILL INTERESTED!!!!!! Trust me on that one.

 

And not to get your hopes up but I don't believe him when he said he wasn't going to contact you when he comes to town. That just rings very hollow. Now, just see if he does.

[Ukwizard]

Hi Fjk,

 

Can I first of all congratulate you for admitting the real reasons for leaving your ex.

 

Sure, I knew all along that being in PA, and his mother weren`t the only reasons why you left. You just have to read my previous posts. Can I remind you what you wrote,

 

Its driving me crazy. If I didn't go thru what I did when I left him I wouldnt be the person I am right now. I would still not be domestic, Id have no interest in cooking, Id still have an attitude all the time with him. Now I want to be the little wife and cook and be nicer and be sexual again bc for a long time with him I stopped all sexual contact. I still look back and wonder why I did but I just was not interested in having sex with him or anything and I know that hurt him ALOT and really made him self concious but now all I WANT to do is make love to him again. Im thinking these are all the reasons that hes not taking me back..

 

Okay, so there are also some reasons in there why your ex won`t take you back. Maybe its the attitude problem, or the sexual contact. When you love someone. You have to love them like its the last day on Earth.

 

Its possible you ex is now taking a break from a relationship right now, and just wants to see whats out there. If you didnt treat him right in the first place. Thats all your ex will remember, and it makes no sense coming back. Thats how they think you are, and always will be. So there`s no point in saying, I ve changed.

 

And calling him?

 

Well, that`s not a good idea too. You called him on a whim of panic

 

Broke my heart..Hes really over me and hes moving on..Not thinking of me anymore..My eyes filled with tears and then my meeting began..I sat thru it and we got to take a break..I went into my car and called my mom but no answer..Finally I said **** this and i blocked my number and called him...he answered..../QUOTE]

 

This is when you are at your weakest. You can`t be doing things like that. Your ex has a right to speak to who ever he wants. I`d ask you in future not to do this becasue this can lead on you to make more mistakes.

 

If you do keep on phoning him like that, and you embarrass yourself. You will find out you`ve make one step forward in calling him, and two steps back, by coming over all strong.

 

i was like adam i know u wont call me back and he goes no i am i feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders ill call u tonight and if i dont call tonight i will tomorrow night..so me thinking this is prolly the last time ill ever have him oon the phone says 1 final thing..finally i go i want u to know that im not going to be this emotional person who talks about our rship everytime u speak to me.

 

Whoa! Calm down!! Thats putting pressure on your ex. Your pinning him down, by saying on the side track. Why aren`t you calling me?

 

By mentioning "emotional person", also reinforces any thoughts of you being the pyscho ex. Think about it. After you got off the phone. I bet you ex wil be talking to his friends, and family about you again. About how clingy you are, and how you aren`t moving on.

 

You cannot just go diving into a conversation about talking about yourself or the relationship again. Like I said. Your being the persistant salesman here. Your forcing yourself in the ultimate deal. Thats the relationship.

 

Come on girl. You haven`t even made past friends stage yet.

 

[oh yeah and at 1 point when i told him i was sorry i said i have ruined my life.and he made this sigh kinda sound and he goes u ruined ur life??? and i go yea u were my life adam../QUOTE]

 

Paaaleeese! No!! Please don`t tell me you said that. Big mistake. It sounds like your happiness is dependant of him being in your life. Not only does that sound desparate. It sounds clingy, and the pyscho ex-girlfriend that just will not leave it alone.

 

Take a break from all this in a while. Its coming up for Christmas. What are your thoughts?

 

Thats a question for you. Please answer.

[fjk82]

Hi Everyone

 

Banna...Thanks for your words..Everyone on here really helps me a lot..To let everyone know he did NOT call. Im actually surprised. I just wish he would have told me listen I can't talk to you yet Im still hurting or whatever but instead he choose to be very sincere about it and kept telling me he promised he was going to call. So it hurt. Maybe he really ment it when he said it then he had time to think about it and either it hurts him to much still or he just doesn't care and wants me to suffer like he did. Who knows..Looks like Ill never know

 

SMOOCHIE--

Your post really helped me. Put a smile on my face and gave me some sort of peace. I actually did go talk to a Psych a few months back well in like September but she didnt help me. I should try to find another one but I have not done so yet. Everybody always says that they always come back (calling and such) but Im afraid in my situation he won't. I know he thinks of me and thinks of calling me but at the same time he doesn't go thru with it. Either because I hurt him so bad and he doesnt want to re visit that pain and hurt or because Its just easier not to. So thank you again for posting. Your post really meant a lot to me and helped mend my heart a bit.

 

UKWIZARD--

I was wondering where you are since you went all NC on me, haha

Anyways,

Like I said I know I shouldn't have called but I just lost it and couldnt take it anymore. I didn't say anything to him about the girl. Now your asking me my thoughts concerning Christmas? Im kinda confused with your question. Are you asking my thoughts concerning him with the holiday season? Or just my thoughts without him in mind concerning Christmas? And yes I really did say that to him but at the time I couldn't help it and my emotions are so strong that after so much damn time has gone by that Ive been waiting for him to be on the other line of that phone I have held it all in. It just had to come out.

He didn't call. Now all I want to do is send that last email with my Im sorrys and everything else and finally be done with it. Im not going to be happy about it but then again I dont have much of a choice now do I?

[BannaBee57]

Why would you send "that last email with my I'm sorrys"? He doesn't need you to keep apologising. What would you be saying "I'm sorry" for. Hurting him? He already knows your sorry. He knows you want him back...he doesn't want you back though.

 

I don't want to hurt you feelings or anything, but I think you are thinking about this so much that you've invented false reasons for why he isn't contacting you. Do you think he isn't calling you because he doesn't think your sorry? Thats not the right frame of mind to be in. He's not calling you because he wants it to be over, not because he wants to hurt you back or because it hurts him too much to speak to you. He's really been nothing but nice to you...aside from not taking you back of course.

 

So, I don't think he's trying to be a jerk or anything. Maybe you should try to figure out why you relationship was going downhill in the first place, like UK suggested a while back, instead of blaming yourself for everything and refusing to acknowledge what really went wrong. You're hurting yourself by doing this. Maybe seeing another therapist could help you sort out your thoughts on what really went wong and then you can put this thing to bed.

 

The fact that he didn't call you back should be the final sign that there isn't going to be a second chance. I hope you can take it as such and start working on healing.

[Ukwizard]

UKWIZARD--

I was wondering where you are since you went all NC on me, haha

NC is there for you to heal. I figured it was you that needed the healing. Lol. I guess it wasn`t me, it was you. Hee hee:D

 

Hi Everyone

 

Banna...Thanks for your words..Everyone on here really helps me a lot..To let everyone know he did NOT call. Im actually surprised. I just wish he would have told me listen I can't talk to you yet Im still hurting or whatever but instead he choose to be very sincere about it and kept telling me he promised he was going to call.

I`m not surprised. He only said that to get you off the phone. My ex said that too. She only said that once though. I think Adam said that twice now. Once in PA, when you where over there, and "bumped" into him, and also on the phone.

 

I kind off guessed about a 70% chance he wouldn`t call anyway, because IF he did then you would consider that as a route to a second chance, and would probably get your hopes up high.

 

This is exactly why he`s NOT doing what he`s saying. HE`S TRYING TO GIVE YOU THE HINT!!.

 

1 His friend has told you that you have to move on.

2 He`s already said twice he`d phone you, and not done so

3. You asked him about dinner, and drinks, and about meeting up about a game. He said "no"

 

I think its about time to start backing off now. Its no point in chasing him now is it? He`s not got the right frame of mind. The feeling has gone from him. Give it TIME, and his way of thinking will change.

 

Off course he`s being sincere. He doesn`t want to hurt you. You can`t MAKE someone love you, but you can influence them.

 

How?

 

How do you influnece someone to love you? Well, first take a look at what love is. Its patient, kind,friendly, sincere, warm, cuddly, squidgy etc. Lol:rolleyes:

 

Its the feeling you get when you enjoy someone`s company. Think back 4 years ago how you fell in love with this person. You did things together to keep each other happy.

 

I m trying to tackle your situation from a different direction. I hope you are listening, or reading, and taking all this in.

 

So what I said above. Do you agree? If so, you have to be patient. You have to still love your ex like you did all those years ago.

 

Take a break, and look back. When you fell in love back then. Did you phone, badger, harrass, and check up on them then all the time? Did you talk about the relationship?

 

No.

 

Of course not. That`s because you have them. The only difference now is you don`t.

 

So the first tactic, is not to phone, and demand for answers. Stop harrassing them, and making them feel guilty about why you left. Its not their fault. Feelings of love come, and go for everyone on this planet, and you have to influence them to come back. So be the person you were 4 years ago, but a better one. You can`t show them now how youv`e changed. Not just yet, anyway. You have to get to the friends stage first. This is where you have to have the patience of a saint. Make them feel good about themselves, and you. In time this will allow you to talk to them, but when you do. Don`t bring up the relationship. Be fun, attentive, thoughtful.

 

Haven`t you ever had a friend you would phone when you feel that your down? Don`t you have a friend to "chum" to the shops when you have no one else to go shopping with?

 

Who d`ya call!? No, not the Ghostbusters! You`d call your friend who`s the fun one, the person you feel is reliable, and attentive. Not some desparate, clingy person that wants you all the time do you?

 

I have said before all along, and yet I find myself re-iterating this all over again.

 

You have to be the fun one, and enjoy life. Let this go for now, and concentrate on YOU!!

 

Look at my situation. Its been a year, and a month since my ex left me. She had 2 other boyfriends after, and I found out she`s trying to get back with an ex of hers. This is the same woman who told me she had never taken anyone back before. This is what I m saying. You just don`t know if he will take you back or not, but every second you dwell on this, is a minute lost in happiness.

 

Do I get all bitter, and twisted about it? No! Not anymore. In the last 13 months, I took up dancing lessons. I went out socialising again, and bumped into 2 ex-pupils of a old school where I went to. Caught up after 14 years. I went back to college, and gained a qualification. I found a job at work on Thursday, with the qualifications I gained. The new job is across the country in the UK, and its 3 times my current salary. I m going to apply for it, and see where it goes. If I do get it, it will mean I will have to move.

 

Going 6 months back, I wouldnt have even contemplated this. I wanted so much to be with my ex, I was sick. I was love sick. I know now, that whatever I do in life. My ex will always be there. She will always be the one for me, but you can`t go on with life obssessing someone that doesn`t want you anymore.

 

You have to start doing other things now. What is it going to be like? When you do get back with your ex? He asks, "so what have you been up to?"

 

Your answer isnt going to be"Nothing, just thinking about you all the time. Your my life".

 

Not only does that come over as sad, but a little pathetic too.

 

My own answer would be somthing like. Yeah, had the time of my life. Dated 2 other girls, but it didnt work out. I took up dancing lessons, and went back to college. Studied very hard, passed my exams, and have a new job doing.......

 

Do you see what I mean? You have to move on with life. I m saying this for your benefit, not mine. I ve been there, and done it. I ve seen my doctor, my psychatrist, my friends, and Love Shack.

 

I know nothing in life is forever. Lets face it. Whats happens if you do get back together, and he leaves you!?

 

Okay, so thats my wee tip on how to win someone over. You have to charismatic, and strong. No one likes losers, or desparate or clingy people. I m not saying that you are. I don`t know you all that well, but your posts do signify how depressed, and hurt you are all over this situation you caused in the first place.

 

I do admire you having all this strength to try to work things out, but I do think how your going about this is a tad wrong. You`d be more admirable though, if you had all this energy in trying to make your relationship work in the first place.

 

P.s

Now your asking me my thoughts concerning Christmas?

Sorry Fjk, I wasn`t that clear. What I should have said was about Christmas is coming up. Its a time of goodwill to all men, and women. What would be your thoughts if you sent him a card, and he doesn`t send one back?

[fjk82]

Sorry its been so long everyone..Just been slammed with work and trying to get all my XMAS stuff done before I fly up north tomorrow..

 

Banna--

Your right..In my heart I want to send the email but then again whats the point? At this point and time I really feel as though hes being an *******. We have been thru so damn much and he STILL cant even speak to me? I really wish he would have said listen I can't call you back because either it hurts or I dont want to lead you on. But instead he sounded so serrious and genuine about WANTING to talk to me and call me back. I wish he could have just been honest and said it. So I think that is what fuels my maybe "made up" as u say feelings like me saying maybe it still hurts him to speak to me..maybe thats true maybe its not..but your probably right he just plain doesn't care or have any feeling left for me..it hurts to hear but then again one never knows. so i just need to stop ALL of this and get over it..im sure ill be better at getting over it AFTER hes done being in my town for a week for vacation for the football game. thats going to hurt bad and my mind will race the entire time i know hes here but whatever

 

UKWIZARD

I finally realize that I need to just STOP. It has taken me many of months to get to this point and thanks to everyone that has put up with me during these rough times and still came here to offer me support and guidance..

But UKWIZARD how do you know when you say his feelings will change after time? Im curious..?

Everything you wrote is very right and true but how do I do that now? Hes not talking to me so how can I show that I am moving in with my life, etc and be happy and doing all these things if he doesn't call or check in with me? I can't..

So Im living my life..Im dating a man right now I know its not the man Ill marry and Im not "IN" love with him but hes good for me at this small moment in time I think. Im staying busy with him and with work, and going out with my girlfriends, etc.

Im just "hopin" that maybe some day in time he will wonder how I am doing and either call or email me and ask. But you never know if that day will come..

 

Hope evryone has a wonderful holiday..And oh yeah..I never sent any kind of card..I took that 1 out of the mail and I was going to go buy another and send it but I said SCREW IT. He obviously doesn't care if i HAD a good holiday or how im doing or what im doing so why should I? Im just going to act like he does..as though he never excisted and i never loved him..maybe that will make it easier for me..

[BannaBee57]

Wow, I'm really proud of you about not sending the card! I think this is a huge step for you in showing him you're not all that concerned about him or his holiday.

 

I hope what I said didn't hurt your feelings, but that's how I see it. It's just not worth thinking up all these excuses about why he won't call you, when the only thing that matters is that he isn't interested in talking to you.

 

I like that UKWIZARD is always the eternal optimist, but I don't think you should even think about him contacting you in the future. It's over, and that's all that matters. The fact of the matter is, not everyone comes back. Actually, very few people do...especially when they aren't even talking to you. There is no more future with him. But, there is a future with yourself. So, don't worry about living a great life so that you can show him what you did when he makes contact. Live a great life because you will be happy and healthy and you will attract happy and healthy people to you.

 

Much love and have a good Christmas!

[Ukwizard]

Hey Fjk

 

UKWIZARD

I finally realize that I need to just STOP. It has taken me many of months to get to this point and thanks to everyone that has put up with me during these rough times and still came here to offer me support and guidance..

But UKWIZARD how do you know when you say his feelings will change after time? Im curious..?

 

I m surprised why you evrn asked this question. Of course, you already know the answer. Think about it. You left Adam, and now you want him back. Obviousily youv`e realised what you`ve lost. Your feelings have changed. Think why you left, and now why you want him so much.

 

One biggest example is over here in the UK. We have a right wing extremist party called the BNP. British National Party. One member made it into the news. He was a young right wing nazi racist who hated coloured people. He used to be a young nazi skin head who`d salute Hitler, and his defunct Thrid Reich. Fast forward 25 or so years later, his attitude chnaged, and he married a Pakistani woman. Thats how he made it into the news. Of course he had to wait 25 years, but people`s feelings attitudes, and opinions change al the time. Unfortunelty for now your ex has made his very own mind up, and he won`t change it anytime soon.

 

Like I said. If you have taken time, and read through some of the threads here on LS. Some people have waited 2 months to decades before getting back together. It takes time, and lots of it. Every time you talk to your ex, and be insistant in getting back together. Its not going to help, and it makes them go in the opposite direct. The reason for this is when you do call, text or write, any letter. Your ex wil be thinking, "Oh, no. Not agiain!`

 

Thats why exactly at this point your ex is not calling back. He`s frightened in the sense that will give you signal to call again, and come in full force. He doesnt want to speak to you right now, and he doesn`t want to be with you. Just read through this site. How many second chances have happened, and if they do. They don`t last. How many have partners walk out, and the other partner wil not take them back, because once you walk away there`s no taking back. Just read through this site.

 

I asked you about your ex not sending you a card. Again no response. Are you reading the posts carefully, or are you reading between the lines.

 

Its good for you to date agin, but don`t just date for the sake of it. Its unfair for the other man. Do it for the right reasons, and if he isnt making you happy then communicate that to him. If it isnt right, and if it isnt working then end it. Just because you`re dating. That doesn`t mean your living your life like you said. Its not. Its living a lie. Youv`e already said that your`re not in love with him, and he`s not going to be the one you`re going to marry. Whats the point in dating him then? You`re heart, and your mind has to be in it.

 

They CAN come back. Don`t think that they will. They may never do. I am glad for you as you are making an effort. You`re feelings will chnage too. Its taken me a year to stop thinking about my ex 24/7. Sometime I don`t think of her at all. Only when this time comes can youlive your life. Right now, I still think you`re very much in love with your ex.

 

If you love him. Respect his wishes not to talk to you. Love is kind, so don`t demand him coming back. You CANNOT change free will, but you can influence it.

 

So take your time. You haven`t lost your ex. He`ll still be there.

 

Take care for now, and have a happy Christmas, and New year.

[BannaBee57]

UkWizard, I know you are trying to help and be the optimistic one but, I think it's only making FJK feel that he will eventualy come back if she will only back off. This is just not the case. You are giving her a reason to hold on and have hope even if it's just subconsciously. She needs to be in the mind frame that he is never coming back. It's the only way to heal. There is no way to move on and really open up to another if you still have that thought in the back of your head that he may come back. Who the hell wants to wait around for 20 years before there ex decides to return anyway? How could you do that to yourself?

 

Yes, if you happen to reconnect years later after you have developed a happy and fulfilling life and don't even think about him then that is one thing. But, harboring feeling in your heart for that person forever is going to lead to a lot of sadness and eventually resentment for you ex.

 

I do agree with you about not seriously seeing someone that you have no intention of persuing a future with.

 

FJK, it's fine to date someone as long as they know full well that you are not serious. It's really fun to date around and have a good time. But, there's no sense in allowing a guy to develop feelings for you and allow him to believe that something will happen when you know it won't. So, as long as you both know it's not going to go anywhere then it's fine and a really good way to take your mind off the ex! Don't go into it knowing that you don't really like the person though, because then you will probably find yourself constantly comparing him to your ex and you will never be able to see the guy for himself. You should go into it thinking "I'm so excited to see what will happen with this guy"!

 

Well, take care and have a good holiday!

[fjk82]

hi everyone

 

im having a very hard time tonight..it hit me abour an hour and a half ago..i just went into the shower and cried..cried...cried..

 

so much pain still and all i try and do is block it..but it feels impossible..the thought of knowing he wont be in my life again murders my soul..i can't go on without him..i really can't

 

im starting to feel as though if im a bitch with no feelings if i dont try and wish him a merry christmas ONLY because its his first xmas with his mom being dead...thats the only reason why..

and still knowing hes going to be down here in my town for a week and i wont be able to see him...kills me..rips me apart...why..why...why...dammit why..i know i ****ed up but i want and need to fix this...

 

UK

i know hes not going to send ME a christmas card..he isn't into stuff like that at all..i always did our cards together..and as i said before i took the card i was going to send him OUT of the mail..

[Ukwizard]

Whoa, hold your horses Banna! I m on your side remember.

 

UkWizard, I know you are trying to help and be the optimistic one but, I think it's only making FJK feel that he will eventualy come back if she will only back off. This is just not the case. You are giving her a reason to hold on and have hope even if it's just subconsciously. She needs to be in the mind frame that he is never coming back. It's the only way to heal. There is no way to move on and really open up to another if you still have that thought in the back of your head that he may come back. Who the hell wants to wait around for 20 years before there ex decides to return anyway? How could you do that to yourself?

I have never in my entiretly mentioned Fjks ex might come back if she backed off. I m offering two sides of the story here. I ve already mentioned how he may never come back!! How some people have waited months or decades to come back, and some however have never come back.

 

Please refer back to my previous posts. I ve mentioned to look after oneself, to date other people. Please don`t turn the argument around and put the finger on me by giving Fjk false hope.

 

Who the hell wants to wait around for 20 years before there ex decides to return anyway? How could you do that to yourself?

Hey, I m only 32 lol! If I waited that long. My childhood love of 10 years old would be so unrecognisable! LMAO. Again, I never said it was okay to wait. Paaleeese read my previous posts.

 

In fact, I ll help you.

 

Post dated 21 September 2006

 

I m with SimonUk with this one. Also like what Folderwife has said, and I quote,

 

Quote:

I told all of my friends what a horrible man my husband was. I told all of my family how badly he treated me. If he had talked to one of them in an email, they would've told him that there is NO WAY I would take him back.

followed by

 

Quote:

But he was persistant to a point,

but the most important part is what she says later

 

Quote:

but then he backed off,

This is important, because like I said you wouldn`t be persistant with a friend. You wouldn`t phone them everyday, or see them everyday. It would get tiring for them, and stressfull.

 

Back off NOW, and slowly work back into his life.

 

Folderwife then goes on to say,

 

Quote:

That caused me to ease up and allow him in my life a little bit.

 

The next thing I know, he's my BEST friend again,

More importantly, please don`t compare your scenario with Folderwifes`. She`s talking from the dumpers point of view, and how the dumpee has begged to come back, and then eased off. It is an example, but not all examples in Love Shack show people get back together. Its very rare.. If you read my any posts here, it sometimes takes months, or even years before they come back. One recent post I read here on LS. Someone had to wait 20 years before they came back!! You have to get it into your head that your ex may NOT come back at all,

Yeah, the last sentence says it all Banna.

 

You have to realize that this site is devoted to SECOND CHANCES. We`re here for one reason, and the reason is another chnace. Of course we can just say. Thats it folks! No more. You cant talk about this anymore.

 

If you say that then you`re in denial. You`ll just go underground with your thoughts, and just punish yourself. It would be mental torture

 

No! There is nothing wrong with hope. Hope is what defines us as human beings, and another reason why I m on here is because I compassionate. I feel for Fjk, as I m very much like her. I beat myself up. I was suicidal up to a point. Thats when I said. Enough! I m going to live my life.

 

So Banna, please don`t say I m giving false hope. Not at all. I m asking Fjk to back off. Concentrate on herself, take up other hobbies, courses, and dating again. Its about doing nothing. Nothing to add to the history of a break up. The more Fjk chases after her ex, just fuels her own insecurities.

[BannaBee57]

UK, don't make this into an argument...you really get defensive sometimes.

 

Sheesh, I wanted to make the point that everyone says "he may never come back, so stop dwelling on it". I've noticed that just having that word "may" in there makes me still have hope. It could be the same for FJK. You gave this example of your ex getting back with her ex and it might not be helping to think about others getting second chances.

 

When I said "Who the hell would wait around 20 years for their ex to come around". I was not siting you as an example. It was a general statment. I know you haven't waited 20 years. I was mearly pointing out that it will be detrimental to your mental health.

 

Yes, it is nice to have hope, but I was mearly suggesting it this case that keeping that hope alive after so much rejection is only going to cause more heartache. I'm trying to help FJK too, so just settle down a little.

 

In fact, in FJK's case I think it might be time to move on to the coping section now that it is clear there won't be a second chance anytime soon. You might get some better feed back on how to deal with all the pain you've been living with. There are lots of helpful people over there that can give you a fresh perspective on things.

[fjk82]

Banna

 

You might be right in saying I might have to move on to coping on LS. How do I break down my loonngg story onto that one LOL

I was hoping he would call me on XMAS but he never did..BUT on a positive note..I never called him either And that is a big step for me. But the most important is going to be these up coming days because hes flying into Tampa my town Friday night and staying here until NEXT THURSDAY!! Its going to kill me and be hard bc such a huge part of me wants to email him saying we should get together and go out and have some drinks or whatever. I dont like how he acts as though he doesn't know me and never loved me it really shouldn't be that awkard and weird. atleast not to me. i guess he feels different. its just a shame how u can be that close and live with someone for so many years then BAM its like they never knew you..

 

im worried that one of these nights ill be drunk and try and call him. my friends here will be with me but ya never know..

 

and ur right when i do hear "may" or might it does give me hope..

[fjk82]

Also

 

Why Is It That I Feel That I Need To Keep Fighting For Him And Keep Pushing The Topic Of Getting Together While Hes Down Here?

 

I Feel Like Its Another Last Chance And He Lives So Far Away And The Fact That He Will Be Down Here And Not See Me Makes Me Feel Like Out Entire Life Has Been A Lie...

 

Hurts..really Does..

[fjk82]

Also

 

Why Is It That I Feel That I Need To Keep Fighting For Him And Keep Pushing The Topic Of Getting Together While Hes Down Here?

 

I Feel Like Its Another Last Chance And He Lives So Far Away And The Fact That He Will Be Down Here And Not See Me Makes Me Feel Like OuR Entire Life Has Been A Lie...

 

Hurts..really Does..its Like I Dont Want Him To Think Im Giving Up On Him So Easy And That I Need To Push To Get Him To Move A Knotch Since I Was The One That Hurt Him So Bad

[BannaBee57]

It is sad that it has to be so awkward between you...but that's a breakup. You are so very close and then wham, it's over. That's why things like this are so hard to accept. That doesn't mean it was a lie. It just means that feelings have changed and life has to change with it. I don't believe when people say crap like "it was never true love if they left me because true love is forever". Love, like everything else in the world, changes and we must change in order to adapt to things. You just need to adapt to this change and then you will be on to something bigger and better.

 

Not calling him on Christmas shows a great amount of progress on your part and I'm really happy for you! Now, all you need to do is get through the week that he's down there and you'll be doing really well.

 

Resist that urge to call him. You are not giving up easily! You've been chasing him for how many months now? He knows that you want him back, you don't need to "show" him you're not giving up. Would you really want him back if this was some sort of little test he was putting you through anyway?

 

As far as moving over to "coping" is concerned, I would bet that most of the people have read this thread and if they haven't we can fill them in pretty quickly.

 

Hope you had a good Christmas and I hope this next week goes ok for you. Let us know.