Update Again..need Input

April 4, 2007

Hello Everyone..

I wanted to stop in..

I am still here...I was trying to not come to this site a million times a day like I found myself always doing for the past several months. I think a lot of it keeps "A" fresh in my mind and heart. Even though he is always there even when Im not on this site..Talking about it like I do on here makes it seem "real" and I thought maybe that isn't good for me. Im not to sure if that makes any sence...Like I said..I wish I was better at expressing myself with writing..

Anyways...

I am going to respond to everyone dlish-bridgetjones-uk, etc tonight or tomorrow sometime. I just think right now isn't the best because I am having a hard/sad day today concerning "A"..Its funny..Some days I am GREAT..Others I am down...Others I am in between..But it has basically been 1 year now since I left him. I can't assume that I should be totally fine and great with it concetering I was with the man for 4years...

Just wanted to let everyone know that reads and checks in on me that I am here..And I will write everyone back when I lift myself into a happier mood

Hope everyone is having a great week so far! Talk to you all soon..Probably tomorrow

April 5, 2007

Ouch FJK, anniversaries are the worst. Hang in there though.

I think it might help you to look at it as time to turn over a new leaf. It's been a year and the morning period is over. Time to stop dwelling on the "mistakes" you made and start to really think about your own future. What do you want for yourself that you might not have been able to have if "A" was in the picture still. Mark this as a time to start fresh, not as a reminder of the day you screwed up.

Try to think about the things you know you were not happy with in past relationships and think about what you would really love to have in a new guy. I found this helped me a lot when I finally started dating again, after 9 months of heartbreak and regret.

I'm not saying it's easy to forget someone that you were with for such a big chunk of your life. But, this site does tend to keep heartbreak fresh on your mind because so many people are going through similar ordeals. Taking a break every now and then is probabaly a good idea.

Hope you got through the day all right. Just know that there are people that know exactly how you feel, but have been able to pull themselves together and move on. I know you will too...when you're ready

April 12, 2007

Hello everyone out there...

Hope you all are doing better then me on this rainy night..

Ive been wanting to write on here a lot but have not done so until now..Im afraid of how I might look to everyone since it has now been 1 year and I still can't get "A" out of my mind and at this moment have some tears rolling down my face..

Like I said before. I have my good days and my bad and for a while there the good days were out doing the bad. All I do is work..hit the gym..date..and hang out with my girlfriends. But even when I am doing all of these things...He is still there with me..In my mind..I wish he wasn't..Because I never thought I could hurt this bad..For this long..

I know I have a lot of guilt inside of me for how I treated him when we WERE together and even worse how I treated him and put him thru emotionally (for everyone that knows the start of my story with me putting off going up north for 4months for his newjob then finally getting there and leaving him a month later). No wonder he doesn't want me back or even thinks of giving me a 2nd chance..Who would..

I know I can't go on with blaiming myself, or looking back at the past, etc etc. But the reality of it is..Is that I was so wrong..And I hurt him so much and didn't realize it at the time..I had so much growing up to do..So much..And I hate..hate..hate...the fact that it took me to realize this and learn and understand all of this only when he is not here with me and not talking to me. Why...Why are we taught lessons in this way..I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart..I really am..And live with this every day of my life..

I shake myself from it...And bring myself back up..But the truth is and reality of it is that I did do this to him and hurt him and I guess I deserve to feel this way..He obviously thinks it is for the best for me not to be in his life..And that just murders my soul...

One of his bestfriends wife's Catrina called me Friday morning..I was so happy to hear from her since it had been a little while..I was starting to think and feel that she hadn't gotton a hold of me because she doesn't want to put her husband in such an awkard situation since hes best friends with my X. Or maybe my X has a new girlfriend and Catrina felt weird.. I dont know....But anyways..She called me Friday morning and normally when I had been talking to her in the past (after i left my x) she saw what you all see here..Desperate..Weak..Sad..Regreatful..Would do anything within my power to spend the rest of my life showing my X that I truly want this to work. So I told myself this time...When I talk to her..Im not going to be that girl...And I wasn't..

We had a great talk..She kept saying how horrible she feels that she hasn't gotton back to me sooner (last time i spoke to her was in feb) but she works full time..married..and has a brand new baby who just turned 1...Anyways I was very upbeat..happy..positive..didnt bring my X up...So the last time i had spoken to her in feb i had told her something that had happend to me ( i was robbed while walking back to my car one night not to long ago. i was ok just very shacken up bc my life has never been n danger and ive lived a very sheltered life) anyways I guess she had told her husband what had happend to me i guess..

So we were talking and she goes ...Yeah I had told Jason what had happend to you the last time we talked and I guess sometime recently he was hanging out with my X and Jason had told "A" what had happend. And Catrina had said that Jason told her that 'A" was guineine concerned about me and I guess made a comment along the lines of "I need to call her" or I should call her...She wasn't there and didn't know word to word but kept saying that her husband had said "A" seemed very upset by it..She was like I dont know if hes called u alredy and I said NO..He has not...And I tried ending that "topic" FAST ...Then she goes you know in a perfect world you two would have worked it out ...and i said yeah but he doesn't even talk to me now..and she goes..Everyone handles things different..

I just changed topic AGAIN and it wasn't brought up..Anwyays at the end we were saying goodbye and I told her how great it was to hear from her and she was like we really miss you..and just so you know "a" isn't seeing ANYONE and even if he was it would never change the way i feel about you....then we hung up..

I am still in NC. I have not tried contacting him in ANY way since Jan 11th..For me that is amazing..But so so hard..And since he is coming down here Memorial Day Weekend..I really am hoping to see him..I dont know why I still have maybe an ounce of hope that with time we will eb able to talk..I really believe if he loved me as much as he always claimed and showed he did for 4years and if it was true true love..That with time..Anything can happen...

I just dont' see how fate can make us see one another for a 3rd time. I can't go on like this..I know..But I also hate this feeling of my life without him in it..I know I sound desperate to you all..But please ..Try to understand..This is where I come and let my true honest feelings out..Im not acting on them or else I would have called or did something to reach out to him..Im hurt..I try to fix myself.. I really do..Some days are great..But there is still not a day that goes by that I dont even think about him atleast a few times..

He has always been the type of person that kept everything inside of him. He would ONLY open up to me..Only me..Never to anyone else and I always tried telling him that wasn't healthy..And I really feel that maybe from all the hurt I CAUSED him he still loves me..and maybe..wants to try again..but is to afraid bc of that pain and he keeps everything built up inside of him...and he does think of me a lot..and still is in love with me (or else he could have easily said he was not n love with me anymore when i asked him to do that to my face the last time i saw him and he could have been done with it. if he really was and really wanted me to love on..all he had to do was look at me and say yes..in not..but he didn't..remember..he ran away to the bathroom...

Or...This could all be in my head..And hes over me and is ok with that choice..I hate not knowing...

But I think...If that were true..Why did he call me the last time I saw him after I dropped him off @ his hotel. Iknow he said he wanted to make sure i got home ok..but it was 4am..i hadent been drinking for 3hrs at that point and he was just n the car with me and knew i was totally fine..if he really wanted me to move on etc..he wouldnt have called..i felt maybe he wanted to say something more..but didn't...

Who knows..

Im sorry this is such a long one tonight. Its been so long..And I really need to feel that someone hears me out there..Im very down..Its the worst feeling to see that the faults u had in the past are now gone bc i see myself doing things different..but unfortunally he has no way of knowing that bc he knows the old selfish me...i really have done a complete 180...well a work in progress atleast..my eyes have really been open to what really matters in life...and how i should have treated him better...why..why u guys do we realize this when its to late...ill never get that chance with him again...in my entire life..and will always life with this knowing what i put him thru..how bad i hurt him..and how he deserved so much more out of me that i want to give but now can't..and some other girl will have the most amazing man..that i made a mistake by letting go bc i had so much growing up to do..so much..why can't i get a second chance...

im done for now...im getting myself more upset...so im goin to stop..i hope everyone that reads this will post some thoughts...like i said before..these are my true feelings and this is the only place i can come to and let them out...thank you....it really helps me everyone..it really does..

again sorry for being so long...im just a mess this week...

April 12, 2007