Update Again..need Input

[phoenix21]

Thanks Ukwizard

 

I want to get my ex back and I'm been debating on the right approach. Some say that you have to do the NC until they come back and others say that you have to first do NC, then initiate contact and try to attract them back to you.

 

From what relationship experts say, they say you have to attract them back to you. Sometimes they come back to you on their own, but the best chances you have is to attract them again. You have to show them what they're missing.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t104344/

[fjk82]

Wow I can't even start to express how I am feeling right now. I really need your help you guys

I was just on my lunch break and I was messing around on my computer and I KNOW ITS WRONG but I went into my X's email account. I found a few things..I need your input..FIRST off this is what is killing me. Before my X and I got together he was in a serious long term r-ship with a girl named Kristy for 5yrs. His parents LOVED this girl and treated her like she was their own daughter. My X always told me he wanted to leave her but felt horrible and he felt like she was his sister. This girl had NO family so her family was basicallly his parents. This was always a issue with me bc when they broke up and I came into the picture his mom always hated me bc she always wanted them to get back together and she wanted him back and he said no etc etc bc he had moved on with me. This was always a very senstive subject but he did everything he could for me to believe that he never EVER loved her like he did me and he was a kid when they dated (they started dcating when he was 18) and that I was his true adult love and she doesn't even compare to me, etc after awhile i truly beliveed him..i really did..WELL I just went into his email and he had sent HER an email...didn't say much but its ****ing killing me..all it said was hey i just wanted to say hi and wish u a happy belated thanksgiving..i lost my phone last week so give me a call when you get this on the home phone"

 

i feel broken right now after reading that..i really do..i really believed him..that he didnt love her like me..my friend told me im overreacting and that he is talking to her bc he doesn't have feelings for her as where he wont talk to me bc he cares and still loves me. that its easy to talk to her and not at all easy to talk to me

well i have a very hard time buying that. i really really do..

THEN i keep looking around...and just so everyone knows we went to penn state university so he loves all the football games, etc..well PSU got into a bowl game and turns out..that out of allllllllllll the bowl games and locations that they are held in PSU is in the outback bowl which is held in TAMPA, FLORIDA I LIVE AND WHERE WE MOVED TO TOGETHER FROM PENNSYLVANIA TO START OUR NEW LIFE DOWN HERE!!!!!!!! he bought tickets for the game and will be here for the january 1st psu game

im really flipping right now and there is nothing i can do about it..i feel like my entire life with him was a lie..i really do and it breaks my heart to think and feel that way..i feel now like he has always loved her more and after sooo much time has gone by that they have been broken up hes talking to her now????? and he can't talk to me???????? or email me and wish me a happy thanksgiving??????????? why...im so hurt..why...

also now i found out he lost his phone last wednesday..so his # is disconnected...so i can't get a hold of him unless i called the house which i wont do..help me u guys..help me try to understand this

[BannaBee57]

First of all, DO NOT CALL HIM. This is not going to accomplish anything. You have seen how it works in the past so don't put yourself through it again.

 

Second of all, if you didn't look through his e-mail you would not be having all these panicy feeling and heartache right now. Don't you see how this is destroying you and only prolonging your pain? I know it's hard but you need to forget his password right now! Otherwise you will continue to hold onto him when all you're doing is living on the outskirts of his life. You need to start living your own life.

 

Now, this Kristy girl really shouldn't matter to you at all. I believe that he really did love you more than her. He said she "felt like a sister" to him. Well, now he's hanging out with his sister and wished her a happy Thanksgiving. Big deal. This does not mean that there is anything going on between them. Maybe she's been calling him non-stop and he just said that business with the phone to cover his tracks and get her off his back for a while. Who knows? He's talking to her because they are friends now and it has been a LONG time since they broke up. He isn't talking to you because it has been a relativly short time since your breakup and you guys aren't friends yet. He probably is keeping his distance because he's afraid that if he does contact you then you will start pressuring him again, like before. If you let it mellow for a while and show him that you are OK without him and maybe contact him in a few months then you guys could probably be friends too.

 

Also, I wouldn't react to the football tickets thing. I think if you tryed to contact him to see if he wants to see you or anything he might not respond in the way you want him to and then you will just be hurt all over again. Wait to see if he gets in touch with you while he's in Florida. If he doesn't then you have your answer. He's not ready to see you. But, don't live your life for the next month waiting for his call. It's just not worth it. You can't change his mind now...he has to change it for himself.

 

Take care and stop looking at that e-mail

[fjk82]

hey girl...

 

well first of all hes not making up any story to kristy because he really did loose his phone last week and now its shut off..even if i wanted to call him i couldn't bc i dont have a number now. i just dont get it..why does he even want to talk to her? why? she always wanted him back and im very afraid that now shes going to get that..he knows his mom always wanted them back together and shes very close with his dad as well and im really afraid that hes going to do that..they have been broken up for so long..they didn't talk when we were together and that was for 4years. so why now? why does he even want to talk to her? you talk to people u WANT n ur life..u ignore those that u dont..hes talking to her....NOT ME..that shows me that my life with him for the 4yrs has all been a lie..all of it..if u love somebody so so so much u can't be without them..and he has gone almost 8months of not speaking to me..i just dont get it..i really believed and trusted him with his feelings for me and everything having to do with her..what a great actor he was

 

i had no intentions on calling him..or emailing..since he lost his phone im sure he never memorized my # so he doesn't have my # anymore..but he does have my email address..he has no idea that i know hes coming down here for the psu game. i feel like crap that i didnt call him or write him to wish him a happy thanksgiving since its the 1st one without his mother around. i feel so bad that i didn't..but i felt like he would have expected me to so thats why i didn't..i really dont want him to think i dont care though..its pathetic that i do this to myself..i see that but at the same time cant help it..this kirsty thing is making me sick..it really really is..im just in shock..he really must have loved her more then me after all this time to be talkin to her and not me..amazing..

 

banana bee do u have myspacE?

[fjk82]

also i was just reading another post and i see that u sent this post to someone saying this

 

 

"if its meant to be it will be"

 

I believe in this BEE! I know a lot of people don't agree but I think that there is no reason that people can't reconnect later on "down the track" when the timing/circumstances are better for a relationship. You may not get the same exact relationship as the one you had before but that doesn't mean that you can't find a different and better dynamic than you had in the past. I'm trying to be an optimist here

 

 

 

 

im so scared that is what is happening with my X and kristy...i just feel it and i feel dead...i really do

[Ukwizard]

why does he even want to talk to her? you talk to people u WANT n ur life..u ignore those that u dont..hes talking to her....NOT ME..that shows me that my life with him for the 4yrs has all been a lie..all of it.

Its all been a lie?

 

Eh?

 

What?

 

I think its the other way round Fjk. You walked out on him. He`s probably thinking the same!

 

Please stop analysing, because your doing it again.

 

Remember to smile. I think you`ve analysed it so much, that you`re blaming your ex. How is it a lie when you`re the one that left?

 

Think about it.

[BannaBee57]

Hey fjk82,

 

Yes, I do have a myspace...I have been fighting tooth and nail to stop looking at my ex's profile, so I know the trouble it can cause.

 

Also, the message I wrote in the other thread is what I hope to be true but I also get really down sometimes and think that my ex will reconnect with one of his ex's. I also get a little sick to my stomach when I hear my friends talking about how he likes this girl at work (they laugh about it because they know she's a little out of his league, but it still hurts a lot). You said he felt like Kristy was his sister, so how does he all of a sudden have feelings for his sister? I think they're just friends.

 

Also, your time together was not a lie. You had four real and good years, but people's feelings change for one and other. Your feeling for him changed and then they changed back again. Granted this happened quickly for you, but who's to say it won't happen for him...and with you not Kristy. I do not look back on the 2.5 years with my ex and think they were a lie. You shouldn't either.

[fjk82]

BANANA

He told me that he felt that she felt like a sister like a few years ago when I was all over him about this bc I couldn't take it anymore. I know peoples feelings change so Im scared to death that he has changed his feelings with her bc it might "seem" right for him to be with her since she was always loved by his family and with his mom dying he knew his mom loved that girl more then anything. Im so scared..And so hurt..Im turning angry..He is going out of his way and talking to her and maybe even hanging out with her of ocurse something is going to happen they were together for 5yrs and lived together. Im stupid now to look back and how I believed him. Like I said its sad to think he could have been such an amazing actor. When you love somebody the way he proclaimed to love me more then himself and life and couldn't imagine himself without me and to now see where we stand. it hurts man..hurts more then anything in this world..of course its easy to think hes still hurting and thats why he can't talk to me but actions speak louder then words and his actions show hes moving on and not thinking about me at all..i have that gut feeling that hes not going to contact me when hes down in florida..and that will break me..i know i can't call him even though i want to. its just so sad..so sad to look back at everything...and UKWIZARD i know i left him..im very aware of that trust me..but that doesnt mean that i dont and can't feel this way and have anger to. the night i got mystuff from him i was calling him saying i made a mistake and he wasn't answering..and later in that week he was sayin it was to late when he finally did talk to me. how can ones feelings change so fast? i just dont get it..now im worried to death that hes going to end up with kristy after all the 4yrs we spent together thats what this has ended up to..how can he not talk to me? not care to see how i am and what i am doing? he was going to marry me..im sorry im ranting and raving i just can't help it..i so so badley want to call him or email him and go off on him and tell him he has not even 1 ounce of respect for me at all as someone he loved with not even calling me in 8months..i never thought it would end like this..and there is nothing i can do but pretend i never knew him like he has obviously done with me..

[BannaBee57]

Well, maybe it's time to finally let go then...what do you think?

 

Has the analyzing, jealousy, and e-mail reading torn you up enough yet? I think you need to make the decision to let go. Stop asking yourself all these questions about why he does this and why he did that. It's not going to help. I know you want answers for why this all happened, but I think you have all the answers you need. He just doesn't feel the same about you anymore. Nothing else really matters now, does it? It doesn't matter if he's with Kristy, or if he's getting drunk every night, or if he's coming to FL. All that matters to you is that the two of you are no longer together and it's just you in your life...no one else.

 

I know you felt like your relatioship was "different" and "this could never happen to us", but I'm sorry to tell you that this is how everyone feels. I felt this way too for about a month after the breakup. I never thought my boyfriend could be the one call the final shot, but he was. I thought I could come back to him when I realised I had made a mistake and he would still want me, but he didn't. He is a lot stronger and more confident in himself than I thought. I live with the regret that I did this to myself every day for the past 4 months. But, at some point I realised that he let it happen too. He did not try to stop anything when it started to fall apart. So, I had to stop being so hard on myself. I know I should be letting go at this point too but, the thing that's keeping me holding on is that he hasn't found anyone else yet and the conversation we had the night he called me at the bar. I wish it never happened.

 

I would almost rather be in your position, with him moving on and not contacting you. This would be a clear message to me that he isn't interested in being with me. I know you don't see it this way and you are really hurting but there is only so much you should let yourself take before you decide it's over. It's OK to think about the past and long for those good times with him, but you have to stop thinking of it as a "lie". People say things like "I can't live without you", but guess what, they find a way and they keep on breathing. You can do this too.

 

If he doesn't contact you when he's in FL it will not be the end of you. Just let that be the final message. Lay this whole thing to rest and focus on the new you. The world is full of people who have survived a terrible heartache like this one and are now happy with someone new. However, this can only happen if you start to let go and accept that it was a failed relationship, not a "lie" or the end of your world.

 

Eight months of ripping yourself up should be enough for anyone.

[Ssheena]

I agree with Ms. Bee. This thread has been going on now since Sept and it's almost Dec. It's really, really time for you to just let it go and if you need help to do so, get it. You are wasting your time with all your questioning and putting too much time and effort into something that you are getting anything out of.

 

It is clear to me that this is over and I personally think the best thing you could do right now is pull yourself together and move on. You have gotten soooo many responses and so much good advice and you keep coming back with the same questions over and over and over.

 

You can NOT change the past, the only thing you can change is how you react now and in the coming days. You can't plan for the future, you just have to let it go.

 

Learn from your mistakes and move on. I feel like you are just going around and around and around and not "getting" what people here have told you. Open your eyes.

 

Sorry for being so blunt because I know you are hurting but at some point you have to take your blinders off and look at the cold hard facts.

[phoenix21]

I have to agree with Ssheena & BannaBee57. It seems like you come here and ask for people's advice and no matter what we say, you still go by what you believe. Are you really that stubborn and believe that what you think is right?

 

Like some of us have told you, you really need to work on yourself. It seems to me that you might be a little unstable right now. You shouldn't be going through their emails and all that stuff. I did the same thing in the past and it just lead me to more heartache. I even told my ex at one point to change her pw. I don't even go on her myspace because i might see something that i don't want to see.

 

At first it's a little difficult to work on yourself, but you have to believe that it's for the better. I've been able to take dance classes, read books, learn to cook, and start working out.

 

I know you can do it too. it's within yourself, but you have to leave him alone first. Your chance might come or it may not, but what's sitting around and freaking out all the time gonna do to make the situation better? You have to be able to live on your own before you can live with someone else. Don't depend on others, depend on yourself.

[fjk82]

yeah..everyones right..i need to be done..

i will post a update on here if there every is one, if he maybe decides to contact me while hes down here for the game..but im sure that isn't going to happen so i guess this is my last post. take care everyone and i really do value your advice..i really do..

[Ukwizard]

Hey, Fjk

 

I m glad you say you need to be done about all of this. You can say it, but I hope your actions are as strong as your words.

 

I think where you`re going wrong is your actually beating yourself up all of this. You can`t focus all you energy on someone that has nothing to give back in return. Remember what I said way back on the 21 Sept 2006.

 

Here`s part of the post.

 

Has anyone forgot about Fjk82s other post?

 

Quote:

I had emailed a good friend of his asking for his opintion on me driving to see him while i was there in 2 weeks....he wrote me back and said even though it hurts i think you need to let him move on with his life right now and you need to move on with yours too. it will hurt for awhile but if its ment to be it will be u can't force it..

what do i do now?????????? im in tears..........should i not go see him while im there or what do i do?????? people make mistakes..why can't i get another chance..why.........my life is over.........what do i do.......

She`s already politely been told to "move on".

 

Quote:

FOLDERWIFE-----When we 1st broke up easter weekend I was callinghim NON STOP..Leaving cryin voicemails etc.

Being pushy doesn`t work with everyone. Being pushy, pushes them away further. I mean would you be pushy to your best friend? Would you badger them all the time? Phone them up, and harrass the hell out of them?

 

The answer is NO. No you wouldn`t want a friend like that. You have to stop being needy, and persistant on your ex you walked out on. Remember you left him, and now the tables have turned. Its as if your happiness depends on being with him. Now to me that is very confusing because you already walked out without saying goodbye, and then you come back crying, and begging? What message might that convey? Now think about it.

 

Fjk, I think you already know you have all the answers you can get, but maybe its the fact your looking for the answer only YOU want to hear. It doesnt work like that. You cant just leave someone, and then come waltzing back in. Why? Well, love comes, and goes for different people in different ways.

 

YOU CANNOT CHANGE FREE WILL!

 

The only way is for your ex to change, and that takes time. Maybe he will NOT come back at all, so please don`t focus on him.

 

I ve already told you my side. Although roughly the same in some areas. I decided to do things differently. After losing my ex. I found this site. It taught me about how not to beg, or grovel, and plead with your ex to come back. In fact I never did. I knew what was happening, and what I was doing, so I went into RC.

 

Now the thing is. I didnt put my life on hold for her. No way! I knew my ex was making a mistake by walking away from me. What did I do? Well for 6 months I talked to her, and texted her. It was only until after we split up that she tells me what the problems were. When she dumped me she even told me `we don`t talk like normal adults do`, and `I m not feeling right just now, its not you its me`.

 

I beat myself up for months after that. I sank into depression. It affected work, and I had to see a phychiatrist. What for? I ask that question now.

 

The answer? Of course it wasnt me. It was her after all. When I managed to gain access to her mail. I found out she went off to date other people. Met another man for 5 months, and they split up. She`s still looking. Remember I boyfriend number 3.

 

So you see. You have to live your live. Meet other people, because if you just focus on him. You will lose out. The reason? Well.....your ex may have made his final decision. He just doesnt want to know right now.

 

So give it time. Do other things. Live you life. Can you imagine if 4 years down the line (yes, its possible you can get back together. If you look at this site. Some people get back after 20 years!!, and some never at all) if you do get back together, and he asks you what have you been up to. You wouldn`t want to tell him you`ve been stuck on the internet looking at search engines on how to get back with your ex would you? No you`d tell him about your life. Who you met, what you done, and how youv`e changed from a needy, obssessed ex that walked out in the first place. I m only say that because for everything your doing now to contact him constantly. Your ex wil think your the pyscho ex.

 

So stop chasing after him. If you want to contact him him then why not? If you do then start spacing out the levels of contact in between.

 

What ever you do, or decide. I ve got two works for you.

 

Good luck.

[BannaBee57]

FJK82,

 

I really hope this all works out for you and the pain starts to heal soon. If you really do put this behind you (no email reading ) I think you will notice a big difference in how you feel in the months to come. It took me a good 2 months to feel like I wasn't going to die from grief, but now I know that life does go on and if he never comes back then I will find someone who is right for me. Yes, you will feel heartache for a while yet, but you will find love again. It's just a matter of allowing yourself to be ready when it comes.

 

Yes, please keep us updated...and if you're bored there are a lot of other, nonrelationship, discussion boards here too...so don't be a strange to LS.

 

Take care!

[fjk82]

Thanks girl..Well its been a few days and I have been good. Of course Im still thinking of him but Im moving ahead. Ive had control of myself with not emailing him or calling him. But I can't help but think about him a lot with Christmas coming up and how he must be feeling with his 1st xmas without his mother. I was thinking of sending a xmas card and I have some beautiful pics of him and his mother that he does NOT have..he has no pics of the two of them and when the time is right i really want to send those to him so he has them..but no idea when i should do that..

hope all is well with everyone..

[demilde]

Thanks girl..Well its been a few days and I have been good. Of course Im still thinking of him but Im moving ahead. Ive had control of myself with not emailing him or calling him. But I can't help but think about him a lot with Christmas coming up and how he must be feeling with his 1st xmas without his mother. I was thinking of sending a xmas card and I have some beautiful pics of him and his mother that he does NOT have..he has no pics of the two of them and when the time is right i really want to send those to him so he has them..but no idea when i should do that..

hope all is well with everyone..

i would say that if you are comfortable with it then send a card and the photos for chistmas; I am sure he will appreciate it, whether he thinks anymore of it is up to him but its a nice touch.

[BannaBee57]

I actualy think that sending the card and pics is a lovely idea. But, the card needs to be neutral...nothing mushy.

 

Just say

 

Adam,

 

I found these pics in my camera and thought you would enjoy having them. Hope all is well.

 

Merry Christmas,

FJK82

 

Or something like that. Or, if you feel you need to wait longer with no contact you can do that too. Just do what feels right to you. Take care!

[Guest]

Hello all,

One thing about jfk, I've noticed all she comes here is for advice and doesnt offer others with any. And she doesn't take other people advice. I mean come on isn't anyone tired of just repeating the same thing over and over again?

LS is to share and give back. Just my 2 cents

[fjk82]

Im sorry that it looks like that but that isn't my intentions really. I really am a nice good woman and it makes me sad if any of u guys feel that way about me. I do come here for advice..And I have posted on other threads to give advice. But I come here during my down times and when I write on here it tends to be when Im really down. Not saying that is right at all but I do take everyones advice in my heart and read it a lot over and over again when Im going thru a down time and it all helps me. Sometimes I feel like Im losing control and I write here so I am sorry and I wont do it again. Like I said before Ill only write if something new happens..

Hope everyone is having a great night..I just got back from the gym and Im baking cookies for my neighbors

Take care all

[Ssheena]

Hey, I don't know who was posting as "guest" but I don't think it's anybodys place to judge any of us here. Fjk82 has been having a hard time and is hurting and some people just take a different approach to getting over their loves. There is no set time limit.

 

Fjk82, it's ok. When you are ready to share you will. I'm sorry you are feeling bad but I think you are finally making progress (I wish I was!)

Send cookies!

[BannaBee57]

Yeah, I have a feeling that "Guest" isn't just some random person on the site, but whatever. And actually, fjk did post some helpful comments on one of my threads.

 

Don't ridicule people who are so clearly having emotional struggles...honestly!

[fjk82]

Thank you guys!

And I agree with the "guest" thing..Anyways

 

Im stuck..As usual, lol..I got him a Christmas Card..Wrote in it yesterday and just pulled it out of the mail. I wanted your opinions first. I also saw that he bought his airline tickets to come down here he will be here for almost a week..Its going to kill me...Why can't he just see me? After all weve been thru..

So In the card I wrote the following

 

A-

I just wanted to wish you and ur dad a merry christmas and happy new year!

Hope all is well up your way and your staying busy with the business!!

I couldn't help but grab you this sticker when I saw it. I knew you always wanted one

As Im sure you know Penn State is coming to Tampa and as soon as I heard the news I felt in my heart you would probably be coming down for the game. If you are you should give me a call and we should get together and do dinner 1 night and catch up with one another. Id love to see you. Hope all is great. Please tell your Dad I said hello and merry christmas

Love

F and (our cats name)

 

PS-In case u were wondering ive been staying busy with work, goin to the gym a lot, still learning how to ride a sports bike, and learning how to cook. ive actually learned im pretty good at cooking im becoming domesticated lol i know its shocking but i thought you would find that amusing..Call me if ur n town

 

 

NOW AFTER reviewing this over and over I realized I wrote to much..I need to take certain parts out like the part "i felt n my heart etc" but i want to get across that if hes here we should do dinner..i dunno...i need ur help..so im going to go buy another card tonight and wait and see what u all think...OR SHOULD i send NOTHING at all and just "hope" he calls? its hard for me to beleive that when hes here he wont think of me..we moved here together..ya know? all i want to do is see him..im tryin to follow my heart u guys i know its been 8months and he has showed nothing but i also know i hurt him so bad and i just want to see him...

ill be waiting for your responses

im back to work now! thanks in advance lol thank god i pulled this card out before it was to late

[Ukwizard]

Hey,

 

Its up to Fjk what she wants to do Guest. If she wants to volunteer, and give advice to other people, then thats her choice.

 

Remember this site is here to get advice, and help for second chances, and other things about relationships, and not attacking someone for not giving advice.

 

I think sending a Christmas Card is a wonderful idea. Its Christmas after all, but please don`t be let down if he doesn`t send on back. In fact be prepared for it. I m saying this now, because I didn`t get a birthday card off my ex. I didn`t get disappointed, because I kind of expected she wouldn`t send one. Anyway, its Christmas. If your ex can`t send you a card, then thats his problem, and not yours.

 

Ps. Your card is o.k, but I do agree to take out ""i felt n my heart ". Remember little baby steps. This may be a stride to wide, and far.

[BannaBee57]

Yikes! Thank god you pulled that out of the mail. To me it screamed "still hung up on you/desperate".

 

I think you should write

 

A-

I just wanted to wish you and your dad a merry christmas and happy new year. I hope all is well up your way and you're staying busy with the business!! I've been keeping pretty busy myself! I grabbed this sticker for you cause I know you always wanted one.

I saw that Penn state is coming to Tampa. If you happen to be coming down too you should call me. We can do dinner one night and catch up. Say hello to your dad for me.

Merry Christmas,

F and kitty

 

Honestly, nothing more and nothing less. All that crap at the end about cooking and being domestic makes you look like your doing all those things so he will come back and you can be his little wife. Trust me. And, do not sign it "love". I know you still feel it, but leave that one out along with that "felt in my heart" and "I'd love to see you" stuff. I think what is written above shows that you are in control of yourself and you just genuinly wanted to wish him a good christmas. By the way, what happened to the photos of him with his mom?

[fjk82]

Sounds good you guys thank you ..Im glad I pulled the letter too lol..Sometime this weekend Im going to go buy another card and send it on up. I hope he gets the card..Hoping his Dad sees it and throws it out and he never knows..Kinda worries me..Anyways

 

Ms B-

To answer your question about the pics. I thought about it and I think hes probably going to have a hard enough XMAS without his mom for the first time in his life and I didnt want to make it worse by sending beautiful pics of them together..Yaknow? Im still planning on sending them, just after the holidays. I think its all going to be hard enough on him..What do you think?

 

Im still hurt that its been 8months now with him still not talking to me. X's talk to one another ALL THE TIME..And he can't even talk to me once..Does it all mean hes still hurt or maybe hes really over me and doesn't care? Its rough..

Especially with him coming..Im praying he will call and I can see him for drinks or dinner..But In the pit of my tummy I know he wont..

Anyways trying to stay positive