What would you think?

[Guest]

What would you think if your spouse said to you;

 

First off lets say one spouse in the relationship is doing most of the work as far as trying to make things work out. But yet the other spouse is not doing their part to at least try to make things work and you can not seem to figure out why they are not doing their part so you ask them why, and they say to you.

 

"Why should I try to put any effort in this relationship when its not going to work anyway, its just not going to matter. "

 

I don't know about others, but that would speak volumes to me. It would say that they have a pretty cynical and negative view on things in the relationship and they are not even willing to try.

 

 

Also, you later on find out your spouse mentioned this to a friend of his(they weren't talking about relationships but it could very well been seen as why things in the relationship might be the way they are). They say to their friend,

 

"I'm never satisfied with anything no way."

 

Once again that would say to me, that no matter what the one spouse might do or say in the relationship to try to make things work, that the other spouse is never going to be satisfied anyway.

 

So if your spouse said these things, what would you think?

[JackJack]

So if your spouse said these things, what would you think?

 

I would think that they didn't care and had pretty much given up on the relationship.

[Guest]

So if your spouse said these things, what would you think?

 

I would think that they didn't care and had pretty much given up on the relationship.

 

I feel the same way. My husband said this to me just the other day during a discussion about things. I feel hurt and I feel he no longer wants to be married and is just here for whatever reason. Some ppl do stay in situations for various reasons sometimes for not so good ones. I myself am not in a position to leave right now and I'm the one that wants things to work, but looks like with that kind of attitude he has it might not work.

[Sassy]

So if your spouse said these things, what would you think?

 

I would think that they didn't care and had pretty much given up on the relationship.

 

Ditto to what JackJack said !!

[Ripples]

Methinks the spouse that's 'doing all the work' is obsessing too much about the relationship and not enough about themselves.

[JackJack]

Methinks the spouse that's 'doing all the work' is obsessing too much about the relationship and not enough about themselves.

 

 

And you came to this conclusion how? Personally I think the OP has a valid reason to feel the way she does. Not only is her husband not doing his part in the relationship to try to help save the marraige, he basically point blank told her, "Why should he put any effort into something thats not going to matter."

 

It would seem thats pretty self explanatory. Plus how do you know shes not also working on herself as well?

[Ripples]

Well, for starters the OP didn't mention that they are the person in question, infact they didn't even mention which sex they are, so not sure how you came to the conclusion that a. the OP is female and b. is talking about her/his own situation.

 

Secondly, the tone of the post made me come to that conclusion.

[sapphire0903]

I would say the other person did not care enough about the relationship to put forth any effort

[JackJack]

Well, for starters the OP didn't mention that they are the person in question, infact they didn't even mention which sex they are, so not sure how you came to the conclusion that a. the OP is female and b. is talking about her/his own situation.

 

Secondly, the tone of the post made me come to that conclusion.

 

Most of the time NO NOT ALL the time, but when a person uses an example as in "lets say a spouse" or lets say a friend" or "what do you think of if a person etc" it usually ends up being about them. Some end up revealing later on it was about them, some never say for sure.

 

Also the OP said this, "later on found out that mentioned this to a friend of "HIS". Yeah sorry I assumed that HIS meant it was a man and the OP must have been a "SHE"

 

As far as tone, I came to the conclusion the tone was from someone who was hurt and fed up and asking a question. The tone reads nothing of obessing. It reads that the OP's partner isn't trying.

[Sassy]

Most of the time NO NOT ALL the time, but when a person uses an example as in "lets say a spouse" or lets say a friend" or "what do you think of if a person etc" it usually ends up being about them. Some end up revealing later on it was about them, some never say for sure.

 

Also the OP said this, "later on found out that mentioned this to a friend of "HIS". Yeah sorry I assumed that HIS meant it was a man and the OP must have been a "SHE"

 

As far as tone, I came to the conclusion the tone was from someone who was hurt and fed up and asking a question. The tone reads nothing of obessing. It reads that the OP's partner isn't trying.

 

Jack Jack i think you are right about the reply. Maybe they are wanting others point of view on th situation!

[JackJack]

I feel the same way. My husband said this to me just the other day during a discussion about things. I feel hurt and I feel he no longer wants to be married and is just here for whatever reason. Some ppl do stay in situations for various reasons sometimes for not so good ones. I myself am not in a position to leave right now and I'm the one that wants things to work, but looks like with that kind of attitude he has it might not work.

 

 

Have you all tried counseling? Do you think your husband would go? Of course if he feels theres no reason to put forth any effort in the relationship, then he might not go anyway.

[Ripples]

Most of the time NO NOT ALL the time, but when a person uses an example as in "lets say a spouse" or lets say a friend" or "what do you think of if a person etc" it usually ends up being about them. Some end up revealing later on it was about them, some never say for sure.

I didn't want to second guess.

 

Also the OP said this, "later on found out that mentioned this to a friend of "HIS". Yeah sorry I assumed that HIS meant it was a man and the OP must have been a "SHE"

Why must the OP be female? Is this board not inclusive of all?

 

As far as tone, I came to the conclusion the tone was from someone who was hurt and fed up and asking a question. The tone reads nothing of obessing. It reads that the OP's partner isn't trying.

Maybe it doesn't read of obsessing to you, it does to me.

[JadeStar]

Why must the OP be female? Is this board not inclusive of all?

 

 

Well since the OP replied back it does come across as its a SHE, when SHE said husband, unless its 2 men who are married. I also got the same thing jack did about the part where the OP stated the part about mentioning something to HIS friend, which would make it seem the OP must be a woman.

 

To the OP, I'm not sure what to tell you, but maybe counseling is the way to go if you all have not tried that yet. Maybe when he said what he said it was out of frustration, but if his actions are matching the things he says then it might be that he is truly not willing to try.

 

I also did not get where this was obsessing.

[Guest]

Why must the OP be female? Is this board not inclusive of all?

 

 

Well since the OP replied back it does come across as its a SHE, when SHE said husband, unless its 2 men who are married. I also got the same thing jack did about the part where the OP stated the part about mentioning something to HIS friend, which would make it seem the OP must be a woman.

 

To the OP, I'm not sure what to tell you, but maybe counseling is the way to go if you all have not tried that yet. Maybe when he said what he said it was out of frustration, but if his actions are matching the things he says then it might be that he is truly not willing to try.

 

I also did not get where this was obsessing.

 

 

Hello thanks for the replies. First of all, Yes I am female. LOL. And for future reference if I post again, I will try NOT to confuse others by not stating upfront if I'm female or not, or by using examples. I'll just come out and says, heres MY sitution.

 

Anyway, no he wont go to counseling. I have been myself. I have talked with him about things going on. He suggested books as well, and I have read them. I asked my husband if he would read them it might help shed some light on things. He never picked them up when they were laying infront of him for months. I guess maybe on the surface he feels there is no problems, but I do think deep down he knows there are. Unfortunatly, I can not make him do anything he doesn't want to do. I have to work on myself which is what I have been doing. he has to want to make changes within himself and work on himself too. So far it doesn't seem he wants too. This is not something that has been going on for just a few weeks or months, tryu about 3-4 years. So yeah after him not doing trying to put forth the effort in trying to make things work, one has to wonder if he really wants too.

 

I have been working on myself. Its all I can do. One can work on themselves but it takes two to work on a marriage. And if one is the only one doing so it wont work. To the person who said this post came across as obessing, I don't get that. And I see others don't either. I came here asking a question,I see the majority of those who replid feel the same way. If this post is "obessing" I would hate to see a post that read, "I call my husband 200 times a day, what does it all mean?" Or "I can't stop checking up on my husband." Anyway thanks again for the replies.

[Ripples]

A statement that someone makes that they are doing 'all the work' rings warning bells. It smacks of doing too much, trying to hard, and thus, potentially obsessing. Besides, it's subjective, you may well feel that you are doing all the work, but it's not factual or objective.

[JackJack]

A statement that someone makes that they are doing 'all the work' rings warning bells. It smacks of doing too much, trying to hard, and thus, potentially obsessing. Besides, it's subjective, you may well feel that you are doing all the work, but it's not factual or objective.

 

 

So you feel thats its not possible for one person to do all the work in a marriage while one sits back and either does nothing at ALL or at least not put forth some kind of effort? There are people who do do ALL the work on things. Just becasue one does work in a marraige doesn't mean its obessing about it. Ovelry worrying all the time might be obessing. I don't see where they are overly worried about it. I see shes concerned about why her husband isn't trying. I think thats the bottom line and the main issue here is her husband not trying, to do his part. So obessing is not part of the equation here.

[Guest]

A statement that someone makes that they are doing 'all the work' rings warning bells. It smacks of doing too much, trying to hard, and thus, potentially obsessing. Besides, it's subjective, you may well feel that you are doing all the work, but it's not factual or objective.

 

My main concern here is my husband not trying to help me work on the marraige. That was the point of my post. I got some helpful people who replied. You see my post as obessing? I see YOU "obessing" over wheather my post comes across as "obessing" or not. I'm now done. I look for advice not nit pickers. You may reply if you wish but the buck stops here for me.

[Freyja]

Could it be possible that the husband has been making efforts and trying to change over the years but the OP does not see it? It may be for that reason that he said:

 

"Why should I try to put any effort in this relationship when its not going to work anyway, its just not going to matter. "

 

It could be that he is saying it won't matter because he's efforts and changes are not considered by the OP, he is tired of it and perhaps doesn't see the use of putting in any further efforts on his part.

 

Anyhow, if he feels like this relationship isn't going to work, parting may be the best option, well as a last resort for you both as you have tried to mend ways for the last 4 years.

[PandorasBox]

It could be that he is saying it won't matter because he's efforts and changes are not considered by the OP, he is tired of it and perhaps doesn't see the use of putting in any further efforts on his part.

 

 

Did you read the part where they OP said that her husband made the comment about how he was never satisfied with anything? Back when I was married my husband was alot like this persons husband. No matter what I did or said, or how I did it or said it, it was never good enough for him. He would be ok for a bit then all of a sudden things just weren't good enough for him any more. It was like that with most things too.

 

 

So I can pretty much relate to how shes feeling because if she feels no matter what she says or does its falling of def ears. He seems he already has his mind made up its not going to work, thats pretty negative. Alot of times to if you are dealing with a very passive agressive person who is never satisfied with nothing, thats hard to live with, becasue you feel no matter what you do or say is ever good enough.

[Ripples]

So you feel thats its not possible for one person to do all the work in a marriage while one sits back and either does nothing at ALL or at least not put forth some kind of effort? There are people who do do ALL the work on things. Just becasue one does work in a marraige doesn't mean its obessing about it. Ovelry worrying all the time might be obessing. I don't see where they are overly worried about it. I see shes concerned about why her husband isn't trying. I think thats the bottom line and the main issue here is her husband not trying, to do his part. So obessing is not part of the equation here.

 

It's subjective She may feel that she's doing all the work, but it's rarely the case. We only have her word that her husband does nothing. If that were truly the case, she wouldn't be here talking about it, she'd be talking to a solicitor.

 

OP, I'm sure you're still reading, so a final word from me. If you're so quick to leave when one person, just one, finds fault with your statements, maybe talking about your personal life on an open forum, where anyone can answer isn't the best way to find a solution for you.

[Guest]

It's subjective She may feel that she's doing all the work, but it's rarely the case. We only have her word that her husband does nothing. If that were truly the case, she wouldn't be here talking about it, she'd be talking to a solicitor.

 

OP, I'm sure you're still reading, so a final word from me. If you're so quick to leave when one person, just one, finds fault with your statements, maybe talking about your personal life on an open forum, where anyone can answer isn't the best way to find a solution for you.

 

Thank you for your reply. Yes its a forum where anyone can post or answer. You said you felt I was obessing, I answered by saying I wasn't. Its really ok.

 

 

Freyja thanks for replying as well. As pandora said thats exactly how it is. Nothing I do is every good enough for him. I can be sweet, mean, firm, ignoring loving hateful etc, I can try whatever to see if it works and its not going to matter to him.

 

For the things he has tried in the past he has gotten praised for big time. He does get praised and things have been acknowledged. The counselor said since he didn't get alot of that as a child that might be where it stems from that no matter wahts said or done he feels its never enough. I have been here for him through out the years, and would love to still be, but I can not do it alone. he has to be willing to try to, especially with being consistant, the counselor has said consistincy is the key. Someone can' not just try something once and expect it to work. I can not help him he has to help himself, and want to work on things if not theres not alot I can do.

[Guest]

A statement that someone makes that they are doing 'all the work' rings warning bells. It smacks of doing too much, trying to hard, and thus, potentially obsessing. Besides, it's subjective, you may well feel that you are doing all the work, but it's not factual or objective.

 

ripples

I also felt you misread the OP's post. Your very first reply was nit picking and not giving advice.

 

I have not seen at all where she is "obsessing". OP is right you are obsessing but over trying very hard to make your comments right when they at this point do not not. You are given it a name without knowing anymore details.

 

I understand the dynamics of a one sided relationship/marriage and emphasize with her but really cannot offer good advice so I won't.

[Jana]

Without knowing any of your situations it is hard to identify with your husband. I do understand your problem. Sometimes I feel I'm in a one sided relationship. I feel until a huge argument takes place my SO is not interested in keeping our relationship fixed. After an arguement we always say we are going to a MC but never end up going then it circles around again and the argument conintue after a period of not arguing.

 

Maybe your husband is the type that feels marriage is the beginning of the end. (wether he thought that way in the beginning the fact is he may be feeling that way now.

 

How does your husband feel about change? Does he readily accept it or does he hate it. My SO hates it

 

If he does not like it he may see that the way you are now is the only way it will ever be. So he just accepts it. Not liking it or disliking it. But unable to change it because of his feeling toward change.

 

Please give us a couple of situations to go on or a history of how you got to this place in your relationship.

 

Just because one is ready to make a change for the better does not mean the other one is ready. It seems to me that your husband has not been hit with a huge problem that needs changed or your marriage is over. I don't know this because i don't know you history.

 

There are many reasons why your husband said this and they are not all bad. Sometimes people just need to adjust their feelings and thoughts. That could save the marriage or at least make it better.

 

How well do you two communicate? This will explain alot. Give us a bit more to go on please.

 

I do not feel you are obsessing just seeing it for what it is. I would ignore that one poster and her negative writing.