Ex still calls-What does it mean?

[Nikki]

I was hoping to get some opinions on what you might think of my situation. About 5 months ago my bf of 6years broke up with me. We were each other's first relationship, first everything, grew up together, everything. We are both in our final year of college. One of the main reasons he broke up with me was because we had both only been with each other and never dated other people, so naturally I think he wanted to test the waters before he really settled down with me. So I find out a week ago he is in a very serious relationship. I wasn't expecting this, I thought he wouldn't settle down, but rather date around. He had been lying to me about it for months. During this time I was/am still very much in love with him, while his feelings seemed to start to decrease for me. (Probably because of this new relationship). I was figuring he'd date around miss me and then hopefully come back to me. (We've broken up alot in the past, but ALWAYS get back together). So I thought I should just give him his space to let him be independent and then we could get serious again. The news of his new relationship destroyed me. I am still trying to deal with it. I was planning on marrying this guy, he's the love of my life, etc. etc. During the time he lied to me about their relationship we still talked everyday, sometimes mulitple times a day. He doesn't live here, but when he would come home, we'd spend everyday together. Of course, I had no idea there was someone else involved. Once I found out, naturally I thought we wouldn't talk as much, he'd probably start to pull away from me, and so on. However, he still calls, we still talk almost everyday and so on. This is where I am confused. Is it normal for him to call me that much? He seems so into this new relationship and says he has no feelings for me at all, but yet he still calls all the time- last night he called from the girl's house. I don't know if this is normal or if there is any significance to this. What do you think? What should I do? Is there any hope for us? (I should add that I am still in love with him and want him back, but am trying hard to contain my feelings and support him in his new relationship)

[Tony T]

If he actually told you he had no feelings for you at all, he's just got to be one nutty guy for calling you and you've got to be just as bad for taking his calls and thinking about him.

 

This is a guy you need to sever all contact with and begin what could be a lengthy healing process for yourself. Your healing from this relationship cannot begin until you cease all contact with him.

 

Exactly why he calls you when he says he doesn't care about you is a mystery. This is a question you'll have to ask him. If he had any respect for you or for the girl he is seeing now, he wouldn't be calling you.

 

This guy is truly the wrong guy for you. Playing with your feelings could only be done by a guy who really does not care about you. He is jerking you around big time and no matter how painful it may be to let him go, you have to stop letting him do this to you.

 

It will hurt for a while but you'll be stronger for it.

 

You shouldn't even ask if there is any hope for the two of you. If you care anything about your own self, you should not want any kind of future with a man who would treat you like this.

 

Under no circumstances should you take any more of his calls. If you answer by accident, let him know you want nothing more to do with him. NOTHING!!! If he continues to call, report him to the police.

[velvet]

Your affraid to let go of these feelings. You dont want to throw away the hope that he will come back because he made a mistake leaving you and figures you are the best thing that has happened in his life and you compare to no other.

 

Get it all out of your head! He has moved on to expeirence.

 

He may not be in love with the lady he is seeing, he's just living life. He wants to meet new women. He's growing into a man more & more everyday. Sometimes we just have to move on to new things and enjoy what life has to offer.

 

It will be crushing, it will take time to heal your heart. We are not like men, we dont just move on so easy. But it's time to think about you and focus on your life and your potentials. It's time to move on...........

I was hoping to get some opinions on what you might think of my situation. About 5 months ago my bf of 6years broke up with me. We were each other's first relationship, first everything, grew up together, everything. We are both in our final year of college. One of the main reasons he broke up with me was because we had both only been with each other and never dated other people, so naturally I think he wanted to test the waters before he really settled down with me. So I find out a week ago he is in a very serious relationship. I wasn't expecting this, I thought he wouldn't settle down, but rather date around. He had been lying to me about it for months. During this time I was/am still very much in love with him, while his feelings seemed to start to decrease for me. (Probably because of this new relationship). I was figuring he'd date around miss me and then hopefully come back to me. (We've broken up alot in the past, but ALWAYS get back together). So I thought I should just give him his space to let him be independent and then we could get serious again. The news of his new relationship destroyed me. I am still trying to deal with it. I was planning on marrying this guy, he's the love of my life, etc. etc. During the time he lied to me about their relationship we still talked everyday, sometimes mulitple times a day. He doesn't live here, but when he would come home, we'd spend everyday together. Of course, I had no idea there was someone else involved. Once I found out, naturally I thought we wouldn't talk as much, he'd probably start to pull away from me, and so on. However, he still calls, we still talk almost everyday and so on. This is where I am confused. Is it normal for him to call me that much? He seems so into this new relationship and says he has no feelings for me at all, but yet he still calls all the time- last night he called from the girl's house. I don't know if this is normal or if there is any significance to this. What do you think? What should I do? Is there any hope for us? (I should add that I am still in love with him and want him back, but am trying hard to contain my feelings and support him in his new relationship)

[midori]

Tony's advice is right I think. I'll just chime in to say that although you can't know exactly what keeps him calling, you can be pretty sure that it's a wholly selfish reason. Maybe he wants to be sure that he's got a back-up in case things with his current girlfriend don't work out. Maybe he's getting a huge ego trip out of knowing that he's still got you in orbit around him. Maybe it's both or something else entirely -- but I'll guarantee you it's selfish.

 

Tony's advice is good: sever all contact for the foreseeable future -- and even a bit further. Not only does this guy not love you, he doesn't respect you or care about you as a friend. He's using you. If he persists in trying to get in touch, tell him that henceforth phone calls or emails from him to you will be relayed to his girlfriend. You can be sure that she doesn't know about his daily communication with you.

 

I know you think that this guy is "the love" of your life (I don't subscribe to the belief that there is just one love in one's life, but lots of people do). It doesn't sound like he is -- at least not at the moment. His behavior is self-absorbed, callous and disrespectful, those aren't signs of love, and they aren't very loveable traits. You are worth much much more than he's currently giving you. I repeat: he is using you. Doesn't matter why, doesn't matter to what end. The bottom line is that he's using you. Get rid of him. Don't let him back into your life even an inch unless he has demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that he values, respects and cares about you. IF that ever happens, don't let him get off easy. Make him work to earn a place in your life; and only allow him one if and when you're ready.

[Nikki]

Thank you for your response. The problem is despite the fact that I am in love with him, I still really want to be his friend and enjoy his friendship. I understand what you are discussing about needing to heal and so forth, and I am trying to do my best to do that. I have even started therapy. Since I have no other relationship experience, I was just wondering if it is normal for him to call me so much and if it means anything or if it means he just considers me a friend. I don't know how often people usually talk to their exs, unless they remain friends. I don't know what is appropriate or not, especially since I was made unaware of this new person. Since finding this out, it makes me want to talk to him less, because as much as I love him, I just don't understand how he can be in this new great fantastic relationship and still call me whenever he needs something. Just wanted to see what others thought about this. So you think no friendship, nothing?

If he actually told you he had no feelings for you at all, he's just got to be one nutty guy for calling you and you've got to be just as bad for taking his calls and thinking about him. This is a guy you need to sever all contact with and begin what could be a lengthy healing process for yourself. Your healing from this relationship cannot begin until you cease all contact with him. Exactly why he calls you when he says he doesn't care about you is a mystery. This is a question you'll have to ask him. If he had any respect for you or for the girl he is seeing now, he wouldn't be calling you. This guy is truly the wrong guy for you. Playing with your feelings could only be done by a guy who really does not care about you. He is jerking you around big time and no matter how painful it may be to let him go, you have to stop letting him do this to you. It will hurt for a while but you'll be stronger for it. You shouldn't even ask if there is any hope for the two of you. If you care anything about your own self, you should not want any kind of future with a man who would treat you like this.

 

Under no circumstances should you take any more of his calls. If you answer by accident, let him know you want nothing more to do with him. NOTHING!!! If he continues to call, report him to the police.

[Nikki]

I agree with you about the selfish part- he calls when HE needs me, but when I need him, he can't be relied on. That's not the type of friend I want and I have made this clear to him as well as how self-absorbed he is acting. He doesn't seem to care much and flat out tells me to leave- that I'm putting myself in this situation and that if I am not feeling respecting I should stop talking to him and he would be fine with that. It just sounds so harsh how he could just be fine if I left.

Tony's advice is right I think. I'll just chime in to say that although you can't know exactly what keeps him calling, you can be pretty sure that it's a wholly selfish reason. Maybe he wants to be sure that he's got a back-up in case things with his current girlfriend don't work out. Maybe he's getting a huge ego trip out of knowing that he's still got you in orbit around him. Maybe it's both or something else entirely -- but I'll guarantee you it's selfish. Tony's advice is good: sever all contact for the foreseeable future -- and even a bit further. Not only does this guy not love you, he doesn't respect you or care about you as a friend. He's using you. If he persists in trying to get in touch, tell him that henceforth phone calls or emails from him to you will be relayed to his girlfriend. You can be sure that she doesn't know about his daily communication with you. I know you think that this guy is "the love" of your life (I don't subscribe to the belief that there is just one love in one's life, but lots of people do). It doesn't sound like he is -- at least not at the moment. His behavior is self-absorbed, callous and disrespectful, those aren't signs of love, and they aren't very loveable traits. You are worth much much more than he's currently giving you. I repeat: he is using you. Doesn't matter why, doesn't matter to what end. The bottom line is that he's using you. Get rid of him. Don't let him back into your life even an inch unless he has demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that he values, respects and cares about you. IF that ever happens, don't let him get off easy. Make him work to earn a place in your life; and only allow him one if and when you're ready.

[Tony T]

I don't buy the notion that you "just want to be his friend." I think you are still in love with the guy, matter of fact...I know you are.

 

Not severing ties with him, at least for a period of time, is being very cruel to yourself.

 

If he is just a friend to you and you don't want any more than that, you shouldn't be concerned about why he calls, when, etc. You are concerned because you are still holding out hope that the two of you can be together again. That's not going to happen.

 

To answer your questions, it is NOT normal for him to be calling so much. He is either very cruel and inhumane or he is holding you in reserve in case this relationship doesn't work out. I promise you if he needs you as a reserve it would only be temporary until he found someone else.

 

Be nice to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Get over this guy and move on down the road.

[velvet]

Thats right. Men dont mind these things, they wash there hands of it pretty damn fast.

I agree with you about the selfish part- he calls when HE needs me, but when I need him, he can't be relied on. That's not the type of friend I want and I have made this clear to him as well as how self-absorbed he is acting. He doesn't seem to care much and flat out tells me to leave- that I'm putting myself in this situation and that if I am not feeling respecting I should stop talking to him and he would be fine with that. It just sounds so harsh how he could just be fine if I left.

[velvet]

I dont understand myself. I'm going through the same except my ex doesnt want a g/f. He just wants sex from anybody, anyone that's offering. No strings attatched is his motto.

 

After our "so called" r/s, that he "really did try to give me" failed he constantly called, came by the house, up my butt at work too. But I havent herd a peep from him in over a week. I dont know what happend. One min. he says he's laying in bed and thinking about and asking me if I wanted to hang out with him that weekend. I replied no. I havent herd from him since. We work together, and he hasnt been up my butt there either.

 

So I suppose just reject,reject,reject. Next time he calls just tell him you are busy and you cant talk. Tell him your taking care of business and bye.....

 

That might stop him in his tracks. I do hope that you will not pursue a r/s with him anymore.

Thank you for your response. The problem is despite the fact that I am in love with him, I still really want to be his friend and enjoy his friendship. I understand what you are discussing about needing to heal and so forth, and I am trying to do my best to do that. I have even started therapy. Since I have no other relationship experience, I was just wondering if it is normal for him to call me so much and if it means anything or if it means he just considers me a friend. I don't know how often people usually talk to their exs, unless they remain friends. I don't know what is appropriate or not, especially since I was made unaware of this new person. Since finding this out, it makes me want to talk to him less, because as much as I love him, I just don't understand how he can be in this new great fantastic relationship and still call me whenever he needs something. Just wanted to see what others thought about this. So you think no friendship, nothing?

[midori]

Wow, what further evidence do you need that this guy is a self-centered monster? But I think I know what you're feeling: how could he have known you for so long, have once loved you, and now, rather suddenly, have just stopped caring altogether? It doesn't make sense and it's hard to feel like this is final -- right? I know that feeling all too well. It'll be hard for you regardless but maybe this will help a little: you've got to stop looking at it from his perspective. Stop wondering "how on earth could he ..." or "sooner or later he will come to his senses and ..." and instead just view it from YOUR perspective: this guy is a complete jerk, a cad who will sooner or later trip himself up and take down anyone unfortunate enough to be standing near him. He doesn't deserve another minute of your time. Yuck! Can you imagine tolerating such flagrant nonsense from someone you didn't love? I don't think so. This guy doesn't deserve your love, your goodwill or your patience. He had them, he wasted them and disregarded them. Don't worry about what's going on in his head; yours should be saying "get out!"

 

Drop off his radar screen without a word. Don't offer explanations, don't respond to queries, pleas or accusations. He's clearly got years (read: as much as a decade) of living and learning to do. Change your phone number if you can. At a minimum get caller i.d. Instruct any mutual friends that you don't want to hear about him and that you'd prefer they don't provide him with any information about you. Eliminate any and all routes of access that you can. Get closure by closing (and locking) the door yourself.

 

He doesn't deserve to know you. He doesn't deserve to know anything about you. He isn't worth another second of your time.

 

And bear this in mind: if he ever does get to the point where he has done the growing he needs to and has truly recognized how awful and stupid he was, he will do whatever it takes to make amends with you. He will do all the work -- as he should. If reconciling involves any effort on your part, it's not for real. So don't worry that by sealing yourself off you're destroying any chance that the two of you will ever be friends, etc. If there IS a chance that you'll be friends, it will lie in his efforts, not yours. Your efforts right now should only be in eliminating his toxic shadow from your life.

He doesn't seem to care much and flat out tells me to leave- that I'm putting myself in this situation and that if I am not feeling respecting I should stop talking to him and he would be fine with that. It just sounds so harsh how he could just be fine if I left.