Drinking with coworkers when Ex is present

[BrandonBP]

I love my girlfriend. Everything is great with us. We've been together for a year and a half, and we plan to get married. But something bothers me and I'd like a neutral opinion from you guys.

 

My girlfriend often goes out with coworkers after work and has drinks. She dated one of these coworkers, a longtime friend, in the recent past. I told her that I felt it was inappropriate for her to be in a drinking environment with her exboyfriend present. She says that I should just trust her. I told her that I do trust her, but I wouldn't even trust Mother Teresa in a drinking environment with an ex.

 

I asked her to try and think how she would react if I called her and said, "I'm gonna have a few beers and hang out with John and Pete. Oh, and by the way, my exgirlfriend is going to be there, too."

 

She said that that would be a completely different situation since she and her ex have been friends since college, but on the other hand, I'm not still friends with any of my ex's. I told her that most people would agree that hanging out with ex-lovers in a drinking environment without your significant other present is completely inappropriate, especially if it's not just a one time deal but weekly or bi-weekly. Even if the other friends are there, what if the others decide to go home at 7:00 and leave the two of them together at the bar after they've been drinking martinis all afternoon?

 

I told her that I didn't want her to go out when her ex is going to be there, but she says that it's not fair that she can't hang out with her friends anymore because her ex will oftentimes be there too.

 

So, to keep this short here are my questions to you:

 

1. Is it appropriate for girlfriends/spouses to go out drinking with a group of friends when an ex-lover is present?

 

2. If you think that it is indeed ok for a girlfriend to go out drinking with an ex, would you still say that it's okay for her to go even though you've told her you didn't want her to?

 

3. If you think that's inappropriate for her to go out drinking with her ex, then what should she do about being able to hang out with her coworkers in the future? These are her good friends and I don't expect her to completely stop hanging out with the rest of the group, yet her ex frequently is going to be tagging along whenever they all meet up. Should she just tell her other friends that she can't go whenever her ex will be with the group?

 

4. Am I being irrational? I mean, she's having drinks with someone that she was physically and intimately attracted to in the past. Do I have any right to tell her that I don't want her going out with the group when her ex is there?

 

Thanks so much! Anyone have any similar stories to add?

[catgirl1927]

I myself have struggled with this. My BF has a big crowd that he hangs out with and he has dated a couple of the girls in the group. They are very obviously hostile towards me, and are WAY to clingy with him. When I am there he doesn't pay attention to them, but of course if I'm not there I have no idea. They are all out of town (he moved to a new city, where he met me) so if he goes alone then I have no idea where he is.

 

I know exactly how you feel. It's not so black and white as, do you trust her. It's a situation with drinking, where the girls obviously still feel something for him. Even if they didn't, these are the kind of girls who steal other girl's boyfriends for sport (which is one of the reasons he's not with them any more). They are all younger than me (5-7 years) and are still taking money from their parents, so they have awesome clothes, perfect nails, perfect tans. They do coke, which I don't do, and stay out partying in a way I just don't anymore, and they have jobs like bartenders or restaurant managers, which is more "glamourous" than my corporate job (less money and no insurance, but that's not really hot). So. It's easy to see why a guy would be more attracted to them than to me. So am I wrong to worry? Oh hell no. Do I stop him from hanging out with them? Can't, I'm not there. And even if I were, I don't want a relationship where we forbid each other to do things, and that sort of thing goes both ways, ya know? It doesn't seem healthy to me. Am I going to break up with him for hanging out in a crowd where they are? No, but I'll dump his ass like lightening when I find out he had sex with one of them. The truth is, I don't think he'd do that. He's mature enough to realize that he broke up with them for a reason, and he's not like most guys, who only care about looks and glamour. He's an actual grownup and capable of making intelligent choices.

 

There is a fine line between being trusting and just being stupid. It's important to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but just be careful. Drinks are probably pretty harmless, unless she gets hammered. There's risk there, but there's risk everywhere, and I honestly believe that someone who will cheat will cheat no matter what the situation. Being drunk, or in a strip club, or around a really hot, coke-skinny, glamourous ex doesn't change someone's character.

[FredTravels]

I think you are beaing unreasonable. These are co-workers. This is drinks after work. Is she coming home at 4 in the morning? If so, I would worry. I think she may have had a lapse in judgement in dating a co-worker in the first place, but....

 

If you put the hammer down, I would imagine she would break up with you. She is trustworthy, and unless you have reason to believe she is not, I say let her go.

 

Is the old BF involved in a relationship of his own? I mean it has been 18 months at least since she broke up with him. If you are talking marraige, she is obviously into you....give her a ring.

[luvtoto]

If it bothers you, and you have discussed this with her. Yet, she is still doing it? That seems disrespectful of your feelings. I would think that she would want to be respectful. Giving up drinking with her X shouldn't be that big of a sacrifice for the relationship, IMO.

[BrandonBP]

I think you are beaing unreasonable. These are co-workers. This is drinks after work. Is she coming home at 4 in the morning? If so, I would worry. I think she may have had a lapse in judgement in dating a co-worker in the first place, but....

No, she's not coming home at 4:00. But drinking lowers inhibitions and there's always a chance, no matter how slight, that they'll end up having long conversations together alone at the bar after everyone else has gone home.

 

If you put the hammer down, I would imagine she would break up with you. She is trustworthy, and unless you have reason to believe she is not, I say let her go.

I'm not putting the hammer down. I told her that it upsets me that she would go, but that she's free do do whatever she wants. It bothers me even more, though, that drinks after work with her coworkers is more important than how I feel about it.

 

Is the old BF involved in a relationship of his own? I mean it has been 18 months at least since she broke up with him.

I didn't want to cloud the issue with this, but my girlfriend was mad at me for a variety of reasons about 3 and 1/2 months ago and broke up with me. This friend of hers immediately asked her out on a date and they dated for six weeks. She decided that she was still in love with me and wanted to be with me and we got back together about two months ago. Our relationship is very strong, but they dated just two months ago. I feel like I made a mistake the first time around by letting her be so close to this guy and spend so much time with him, but she assured me that they were just friends from college. Then he immediately asks her out after she breaks up with me. So now, the issue is always in my head whether or not I should let them be buddy-buddy and watch the same sort of thing happen all over again.

 

And to answer the next question: No, I don't have any reason to believe that they were messing around before she broke up with me a few months back and started dating him. I know that anyone's reasonable reaction to this would be to say that she was cheating on me, but I have no reason to believe that she was.

[FredTravels]

That does not cloud the issue..it clarifies it. OK so this is not just an ex from almost two years ago, it is an ex from a few monhs ago. This is someone that she obviously feels she can run to in times of need. I can understand your apprehension now.

 

But again, IF (not saying you are) you put the hammer down, I suspect she will break it off with you and perhaps run to this guy.

 

Talk to her and tell her this makes you very uncomfortable since their breakup is again so recent. Ask her to maybe forego any after hours outings when she knows he will be there and you two make it a standing dat or a special evening. If not possible, can you join the party? Can she invite you to tag along on those days when he is there?

[BrandonBP]

If it bothers you, and you have discussed this with her. Yet, she is still doing it? That seems disrespectful of your feelings. I would think that she would want to be respectful. Giving up drinking with her X shouldn't be that big of a sacrifice for the relationship, IMO.

Well, that's precisely what I explained to her. I told her I didn't understand why she would still go when he was present even after I told her that I didn't want her to. I asked her why drinking with her friends after work was more important than me being upset.

 

I know that if I was hanging out with a group of friends that included an exgirlfriend and it bothered my girlfriend, I would just tell the guys, "Hey, my girlfriend is upset when I'm out drinking with my ex, so I'm not gonna be able to hang out if she's there.

 

And I'm not saying that she should never be in a group of people while her ex is there, I just don't like it being a regular thing. I just don't want there to be a lot of long conversations between them over cocktails. What if she decides one day that she's pissed off at me about something and gets drunk hanging out with her group? It's not likely that she would cheat on me even in that situation, but when people are drunk they do things they wouldn't normally do.

[Cheshire Cat]

1. Is it appropriate for girlfriends/spouses to go out drinking with a group of friends when an ex-lover is present?

 

It depends - are their SO okay with it? do they have plenty of other occasions to see their friends? are they 100% over their exes? Can't their SO join them?

 

2. If you think that it is indeed ok for a girlfriend to go out drinking with an ex, would you still say that it's okay for her to go even though you've told her you didn't want her to?

 

Tricky situation. I wouldn't surely like my SO to hang out in an environment that includes recent exes. *Unless* I was 100% sure there are no feelings left on either part *and* exes just happened to be hanging around the place. (Which I guess is not your case, is it? They used to be friends, so are they going to talk to each other on those occasions?)

 

 

3. If you think that's inappropriate for her to go out drinking with her ex, then what should she do about being able to hang out with her coworkers in the future?

 

Can't she see them on different occasions?

 

These are her good friends and I don't expect her to completely stop hanging out with the rest of the group, yet her ex frequently is going to be tagging along whenever they all meet up. Should she just tell her other friends that she can't go whenever her ex will be with the group?

 

I guess it's up to her to decide.

Might she have problems at the workplace if she ends up being the only one who does not socialize with her coworkers? (it happens, sometimes)

Might she lose some friends?

 

4. Am I being irrational?

 

I don't think so. I'd feel the same way.

 

I mean, she's having drinks with someone that she was physically and intimately attracted to in the past. Do I have any right to tell her that I don't want her going out with the group when her ex is there?

 

I guess you have the right to tell her so, but she has the right to refuse to. Perhaps it would be better to ask her, explaining thoroughly how you feel about the whole situation and listening to her reasons.

 

perhaps you could find some sort of compromise?

Could you join them? Or are they coworkers-only events?

[Cecelius]

 

So, to keep this short here are my questions to you:

 

1. Is it appropriate for girlfriends/spouses to go out drinking with a group of friends when an ex-lover is present?

 

2. If you think that it is indeed ok for a girlfriend to go out drinking with an ex, would you still say that it's okay for her to go even though you've told her you didn't want her to?

 

3. If you think that's inappropriate for her to go out drinking with her ex, then what should she do about being able to hang out with her coworkers in the future? These are her good friends and I don't expect her to completely stop hanging out with the rest of the group, yet her ex frequently is going to be tagging along whenever they all meet up. Should she just tell her other friends that she can't go whenever her ex will be with the group?

 

4. Am I being irrational? I mean, she's having drinks with someone that she was physically and intimately attracted to in the past. Do I have any right to tell her that I don't want her going out with the group when her ex is there?

 

Thanks so much! Anyone have any similar stories to add?

 

1. No, its not appropriate. The fact that she took the risk of dating a co-worker (or a best friend's brother, or a best friend, etc.) doesn't mean you need to live with her hanging around a dude she used to have sex with. If you don't care, then fine. But you do. This is also as Frank said not a dude from the past but a dude she moved onto VERY quickly during a break with you (honestly, I think your mistake was taking her back but that's another story).

 

2. You shouldn't have told her what you wanted. You should have calmly explained that that is not the kind of thing you are planning to have in your relationship, and that the relationship is not something you're going to compromise on. in other words, if she wants to hang out with him like this, more power to her, but that's not your thing and you'll move on. And you mean it.

 

3. Here's where you being in the details is too much. This is where you come off sounding like a control freak. Options - she invites you too or she doesn't invite him.

 

4. You are being irrational, not in what you believe is right, but in your execution. You are building this guy up in her mind as someone to be reckoned with, someone who matters. This should have been shut down long ago with a simple explanation of what is in your picture and what is not. You keep harping on it, and she keeps saying "trust me." At this point, you have no options other than to live with it, fight fire with fire or leave her -- because you put yourself on a lower tier than this guy and asked her to accomodate you.

[luvtoto]

I love my girlfriend. Everything is great with us. We've been together for a year and a half, and we plan to get married. But something bothers me and I'd like a neutral opinion from you guys.

 

My girlfriend often goes out with coworkers after work and has drinks. She dated one of these coworkers, a longtime friend, in the recent past. I told her that I felt it was inappropriate for her to be in a drinking environment with her exboyfriend present. She says that I should just trust her. I told her that I do trust her, but I wouldn't even trust Mother Teresa in a drinking environment with an ex.

 

I asked her to try and think how she would react if I called her and said, "I'm gonna have a few beers and hang out with John and Pete. Oh, and by the way, my exgirlfriend is going to be there, too."

 

She said that that would be a completely different situation since she and her ex have been friends since college, but on the other hand, I'm not still friends with any of my ex's. I told her that most people would agree that hanging out with ex-lovers in a drinking environment without your significant other present is completely inappropriate, especially if it's not just a one time deal but weekly or bi-weekly. Even if the other friends are there, what if the others decide to go home at 7:00 and leave the two of them together at the bar after they've been drinking martinis all afternoon?

 

I told her that I didn't want her to go out when her ex is going to be there, but she says that it's not fair that she can't hang out with her friends anymore because her ex will oftentimes be there too.

 

So, to keep this short here are my questions to you:

 

1. Is it appropriate for girlfriends/spouses to go out drinking with a group of friends when an ex-lover is present?

 

2. If you think that it is indeed ok for a girlfriend to go out drinking with an ex, would you still say that it's okay for her to go even though you've told her you didn't want her to?

 

3. If you think that's inappropriate for her to go out drinking with her ex, then what should she do about being able to hang out with her coworkers in the future? These are her good friends and I don't expect her to completely stop hanging out with the rest of the group, yet her ex frequently is going to be tagging along whenever they all meet up. Should she just tell her other friends that she can't go whenever her ex will be with the group?

 

4. Am I being irrational? I mean, she's having drinks with someone that she was physically and intimately attracted to in the past. Do I have any right to tell her that I don't want her going out with the group when her ex is there?

 

Thanks so much! Anyone have any similar stories to add?

You are not being irrational, IMO. This is a bad position she has put you in. She has left you to deal with it on your own, looks like. Being irrational is demanding her to stop the behavior. All you've done was tell her that it bothers you in a mature fashion. She should meet you in the middle somehow and put some effort into resolving the issue.

[BrandonBP]

That does not cloud the issue..it clarifies it. OK so this is not just an ex from almost two years ago, it is an ex from a few monhs ago. This is someone that she obviously feels she can run to in times of need. I can understand your apprehension now.

I told her that it was like the Chris Rock routine about girlfriends always having that best guy friend hanging around. If you haven't seen the routine, Chris Rock says that that's the guy that's going to be f**cking your girlfriend when she breaks up with you. It's meant as humor, but it's true.

 

If not possible, can you join the party? Can she invite you to tag along on those days when he is there?

That's another thing. I wasn't invited. She says that she didn't invite me the other day because she had asked me to go in the past and I had declined. I asked her to tell me when was the last time that she had invited me and she couldn't remember. I can't remember either. It's been several months.

 

And even after we had discussed the fact that she had not asked me to go out with her group after work, she still didn't say that she would start inviting me to go with them since it bothered me. That also sort of irks me that she invited me to go a couple of times a year or so ago, so now she never feels obligated to invite me again, even after I tell her that I was pissed off about not being invited.

[BrandonBP]

You are not being irrational, IMO. This is a bad position she has put you in. She has left you to deal with it on your own, looks like. Being irrational is demanding her to stop the behavior. All you've done was tell her that it bothers you in a mature fashion. She should meet you in the middle somehow and put some effort into resolving the issue.

I also told her that I didn't understand why I had to be the only one to deal with the issue. Why can't there be a compromise on her end? I am pretty much left with the answer of, "Tough titty; deal with it."

 

Thanks so much for everyone's input!

[BrandonBP]

1. No, its not appropriate. The fact that she took the risk of dating a co-worker (or a best friend's brother, or a best friend, etc.) doesn't mean you need to live with her hanging around a dude she used to have sex with. If you don't care, then fine. But you do.

Yes, I do care. :/

 

in other words, if she wants to hang out with him like this, more power to her, but that's not your thing and you'll move on. And you mean it.

That really doesn't work in my situation. She's not a highschool girlfriend that I'm going to ditch over something like this. I want to marry this girl and am not going to create an ultimatum over something this small.

 

Options - she invites you too or she doesn't invite him.

That's the sort of compromise that I was looking for from her, but that she didn't offer.

 

At this point, you have no options other than to live with it, fight fire with fire or leave her -- because you put yourself on a lower tier than this guy and asked her to accomodate you.

I think I should go search out one of my ex's and become drinking buddies with her.

[littlepiggy1]

So, to keep this short here are my questions to you:

 

1. Is it appropriate for girlfriends/spouses to go out drinking with a group of friends when an ex-lover is present?

 

Yes.

 

2. If you think that it is indeed ok for a girlfriend to go out drinking with an ex, would you still say that it's okay for her to go even though you've told her you didn't want her to?

 

Yes. She's an adult and you're not her father.

 

4. Am I being irrational? I mean, she's having drinks with someone that she was physically and intimately attracted to in the past. Do I have any right to tell her that I don't want her going out with the group when her ex is there?

 

You have the right to tell her that, but she has the right to feel you are being irrational and tell you to piss off.

[BrandonBP]

Is the old BF involved in a relationship of his own?

No, he's not dating anyone seriously that I'm aware of which doesn't help matters either.

[BrandonBP]

You have the right to tell her that, but she has the right to feel you are being irrational and tell you to piss off.

That's not the way I envision relationships. That attitude is like saying, "I can do whatever I want whether you like it or not so screw you." There's not much future in a relationship of that sort.

[luvtoto]

I also told her that I didn't understand why I had to be the only one to deal with the issue. Why can't there be a compromise on her end? I am pretty much left with the answer of, "Tough titty; deal with it."

That seems selfish to me.

[littlepiggy1]

I didn't want to cloud the issue with this, but my girlfriend was mad at me for a variety of reasons about 3 and 1/2 months ago and broke up with me. This friend of hers immediately asked her out on a date and they dated for six weeks. She decided that she was still in love with me and wanted to be with me and we got back together about two months ago. Our relationship is very strong, but they dated just two months ago. I feel like I made a mistake the first time around by letting her be so close to this guy and spend so much time with him, but she assured me that they were just friends from college.

 

Okay, I read this after my first response and this does change things.

 

If it was merely an ex-lover from a past relationship, that's one thing. But the fact that she dated this guy while you two were recently broken up, then went back to you. Yeah, that's a dicier situation.

[luvtoto]

I also told her that I didn't understand why I had to be the only one to deal with the issue. Why can't there be a compromise on her end? I am pretty much left with the answer of, "Tough titty; deal with it."

 

Thanks so much for everyone's input!

I would think a good compromise would be to cut it waay down. I mean, sure...every once in a while, ok. But regularly? Come on.

 

Don't demand or tell her not to. That is crossing the line.

 

Just discuss with her how you feel. If she doesn't respect you, then might need to examine how that makes you feel, and take the appropriate steps to making yourself happy again.

[BrandonBP]

That seems selfish to me.

She didn't use the words "tough titty" or "deal with it" but in the end, that's what it amounts to. She's saying she's going to go whether I like it or not.

 

I suppose I could use this to my advantage somehow. If she's pissed about something I want do in the future, then I can always say, "Well, you wouldn't stop having drinks with your ex, so you can deal with me doing what I want to do."

 

I believe that's exactly what I need to do with this situation. This will be my trump card for doing the small things that I want to do that I normally wouldn't because it might upset her.

[littlepiggy1]

That's not the way I envision relationships. That attitude is like saying, "I can do whatever I want whether you like it or not so screw you." There's not much future in a relationship of that sort.

 

Well, it was an extreme example. Also, I was responding to your intial post before reading your subsequent posts that shed more light on things. So take it with a grain of salt.

 

(I should also point out that I have a fierce independent streak and am not the sort that enjoys being told what to do. So take that into consideration as well.)

[BrandonBP]

(I should also point out that I have a fierce independent streak and am not the sort that enjoys being told what to do. So take that into consideration as well.)

Both she and I are independent, also. That's why I told her that if it meant that much to her then to go ahead. I reckon that if I "forbid" her from doing it, then I'm asking for dishonesty. She might start "forgetting" to mention his name whenever I ask her who all she's going to go have drinks with. I told her that I would at least feel better if she would be sure to tell me whenever her ex is going to be with the group. She said she would indeed tell me.

 

So, at least there's that.

[The slayer]

Hey Brandon good to see you!

 

I'd say she chose you and I very much doubt you really have anything to worry about...however it's very insensitive behaviour on the part of your girlfriend, from what I recall of your posts sensitivity to your feelings and your point of view is definately not your girlfriends middle name!

 

I suspect that this is something you really do need to work on, getting your GF to start seeing things a bit more from your point of view, but this probably won't be the best place to start, there is too much recent hurt too close to the surface.

 

If you want advice, I'd suggest that you make it clear it's something you feel uncomfortable about, but don't make too big a deal of it, try and go along too if and when you can....and try and lay on as many alternative nights out or in as possile. All the while try and find a way to encourage her to see how she makes you feel.

 

Good luck

[BrandonBP]

Hey Slayer! Good to see you!

 

there is too much recent hurt too close to the surface.

Yeah, especially since it was so recent, I don't want them friggin' hanging out together - college buddies or not! I don't understand why she's not willing to turn the situation around and see how it would make her feel. She's very reasonable, but at the same time she's very bullheaded about some ****.

[luvtoto]

Does she want to be single? Or does she want to work at a relationship? Seems like she's having her cake and eating it, too. I can bet her x-bf is giving attention to her, especially if you are not there.