Drinking with coworkers when Ex is present

[BrandonBP]

I can bet her x-bf is giving attention to her, especially if you are not there.

I don't think that they're speaking much at the moment since she quit dating him. They're still in that ackward stage around each other. Thing is, I want for things to remain that way between them. If they're around each other on occasion, then they'll have polite chit chat and be done with it. But if they start hanging out again regularly, then things will loosen up and they'll be buddy-buddy all over again. I don't want them being buddy-buddy.

[Cecelius]

I don't think that they're speaking much at the moment since she quit dating him. They're still in that ackward stage around each other. Thing is, I want for things to remain that way between them. If they're around each other on occasion, then they'll have polite chit chat and be done with it. But if they start hanging out again regularly, then things will loosen up and they'll be buddy-buddy all over again. I don't want them being buddy-buddy.

 

 

Frankly, "awkward" is not good either. It means there's still something going on there.

 

Honestly, I don't know what you do here. You've ceded all control and power over the situation, and more importantly, a girl who really wanted you to stick with her wouldn't be doing this.

 

I do not recommend that you talk to her about this as it relates to your feelings -- you will come off as weak and she will know that hurting you is in her control. I also don't recommend that you tell her what to do. I would dispassionately express that this isn't an issue of "feelings" but rather one of proper vs. improper, it isn't your thing and that you need to think about how this fits into your life, if at all.

 

You have to be prepared to walk, or else she's going to keep doing this, plus who knows what else. I love my g/f dearly, and she knows she's absolutely free to do whatever she wants. She also knows what I'll tolerate and what I won't and that if it goes beyond what is appropriate, I will disapear without a second thought.

[Spectre]

You seem to know its bad already, now the question is what you're going to do about it. She's being very disrespectful and uncaring, not the way she should be acting if she wants to pursue a marriage with you. She recently just broke up with you and immediately began dating another man. That right there speaks volumes about the type of person she is.

 

To make matters worse you said this man is a co-worker, which means no matter what she will be seeing him on an almost a daily basis. Intelligent women who respect their relationships and their boyfriends dont get into this type of situation. Adding insult to injury she won't do the one thing which might relieve a bit of stress from this already stressful situation by not going out drinking with this person.

 

To go any further I'd need to know the reason she left you in the first place, was it something you legitimately did wrong? Or was it the cliche BS excuses like needing time to herself and such? If you did nothing wrong, her behavior becomes even *more* unacceptable. She seems to be knocking you from one end of the field to the other. She put you in a lose lose situation, she came back to you, but now has a recent ex bf who not only works with her, but hangs out in her group of friends as well.

 

If she had any regret for the situation, if she had any real will to make things work, she would not be acting the way she does. A serious talk is in order, and you should make it clear that if she continues to hang out with this person, she will lose you. Do not say that in a way where it sounds controlling. Explain it in a way so she realizes it was her actions that caused this line of thinking, and be quick to point out atleast you are trying to work at it. If she dumped you through no fault of your own, make her aware that it was hurtful and took a lot for you to take her back, and she is not acting like it matters to her. Hammer down the fact that she already see's him at work is enough, and that going a step further just hurts even more.

 

If she is unwilling to stop going out drinking with this person, then you just might have to walk away. You need to realize shes being disrespectful and uncaring. Atleast if you do need to walk away, you realized it before marrying her. Her behavior just sounds like someone who isnt the type of girl you'd want to marry.

[BrandonBP]

I truly appreciate everyone's input. Thanks so much!

 

I think that in the end, she's likely not going to be hanging out with him much after we've discussed it at length. Perhaps she may feel that I'm making a molehill into a mountain over something she sees as trivial and doesn't feel like she should have to admit that I have a good reason to express dissent concerning her decisions. She's very smart, but sort of pigheaded when it comes to admitting that I'm right on occasion. I guess everyone's at least a little bit guilty of a prideful attitude, even me.

 

We'll see... Thanks again.

[Rooster_DAR]

In this case it's inappropriate and here's why. You stated to her if the roles were reversed and you went out with your friends and one of your exe's were there, that it is totally different. I'm sorry my friend, this girl is being hypocritical and selfish.

 

Also, if you feel it is uncomfortable then she should be willing to make some changes to make you feel comfortable. You have every right to be concerned about this, and don't let anyone tell you any different. True, that demanding her to stop is a little extreme, but if she continues to demontrate that she will not honor your feelings, you need to consider whether she is right for you.

 

You will find countless threads and posts here about the aftermath of these types of interactions, and it's a potential threat to any relationship. S/O's should refrain from going out casually with members of the opposite sex when the other S/O is not around, especially when alchohol is involved.

 

Yes, it can be done and there are people out there that have boundaries that they can contol, but what happens when you get into a huge fight and you are both having issues with your relationship. There stands a good chance that she may start talking more openly about your issues with the opposite sex, and that's where the emotional fair begins.

 

Read other threads, and there are people that will exclaim that they thought they would never cross that line, and they get caught up so bad that they abandon all the values they established.

 

She needs to respect your feelings, and stop doing this out of consideration.

 

Regards,

[luvtoto]

Also, if you feel it is uncomfortable then she should be willing to make some changes to make you feel comfortable.

 

Bingo!! Good advice, Rooster.

[mental_traveller]

Yes, I do care. :/

 

 

That really doesn't work in my situation. She's not a highschool girlfriend that I'm going to ditch over something like this. I want to marry this girl and am not going to create an ultimatum over something this small.

 

 

That's the sort of compromise that I was looking for from her, but that she didn't offer.

 

 

I think I should go search out one of my ex's and become drinking buddies with her.

 

Well that's your problem - now, it's "something this small". But that's the thin edge of the wedge. I've seen it so many times - guy gives an inch, and a year down the line the woman has taken a mile (happens the other way round too with women kowtowing to men). Don't think for a moment she won't have realised you bent to her wishes on this one. She'll have you marked down as compliant & weak, and she'll take advantage of it in future. A woman who really loves you will *always* compromise on something that she can see hurts your feelings. And this woman broke up with you already - very bad sign. NEVER plan to marry a woman who has broken up with you. Finally, if they dated for 6 weeks, they almost certainly had sex. You're letting your gf get drunk with a guy she was sleeping with only recently?

 

IMO you're giving her way too much leeway, and taking the relationship way too seriously considering the background. I think you're acting like a bit of a doormat. Even without her suspicious behaviour, you're being too easy on this one. But it's obvious you are too into her to do anything about it. I predict you'll get more serious, let her get away with anything, and within a year she'll have dumped you again or cheated on you with someone.

[mental_traveller]

I suppose I could use this to my advantage somehow. If she's pissed about something I want do in the future, then I can always say, "Well, you wouldn't stop having drinks with your ex, so you can deal with me doing what I want to do."

 

I believe that's exactly what I need to do with this situation. This will be my trump card for doing the small things that I want to do that I normally wouldn't because it might upset her.

 

This is just passive aggressive bullcrap that will get you nowhere. What kind of a relationship resolves problems with childish gameplaying like this? "You broke my toys so I'm going to break yours and see how you like it!". Really this is ridiculous.

 

Look at the facts, man. This chick dumped you already and you went back to her after she dated and almost certainly boned a co-worker. That was your first mistake. Now she basically told you to take a high jump after you (more than reasonably) said it bothered you. And your reaction, instead of putting your foot down, is to play some silly game to "get back" at her? Trust me, this isn't the stuff great relationships are made of!

[BrandonBP]

My g/f wanted to talk about things a bit last night. She said that she wouldn't be hanging out with that crowd if he was there on a regular basis. She also said that I would always be invited to join the group whenever they're out. At least it's a compromise on her part.

 

I told her that if she ever begins to go out regularly with them when the ex is present, then I'll assume it to mean that she doesn't care what I do either, even if it's something she doesn't like for me to do.

 

This thing is still playing itself out. I'll keep you all posted and hope that you give me your advice and opinions. BTW, I mentioned this to a female coworker and she agreed with me that my g/f was in the wrong and being selfish.

[BrandonBP]

But it's obvious you are too into her to do anything about it. I predict you'll get more serious, let her get away with anything, and within a year she'll have dumped you again or cheated on you with someone.

She's an honest girl. I don't ever have any worries that she would ever cheat on me in a normal situation. I just don't want her hanging out with the other sex in a drinking environment while I'm not around. Drinking causes otherwise rational people to do things that they regret later.

[luvtoto]

My g/f wanted to talk about things a bit last night. She said that she wouldn't be hanging out with that crowd if he was there on a regular basis. She also said that I would always be invited to join the group whenever they're out. At least it's a compromise on her part.

 

I told her that if she ever begins to go out regularly with them when the ex is present, then I'll assume it to mean that she doesn't care what I do either, even if it's something she doesn't like for me to do.

 

This thing is still playing itself out. I'll keep you all posted and hope that you give me your advice and opinions. BTW, I mentioned this to a female coworker and she agreed with me that my g/f was in the wrong and being selfish.

Brandon, sounds like you two are working things out.

[BrandonBP]

Yes, things are better now. She said she wouldn't be in that situation much and promised to invite me whenever they go out after work. It's the answer I was looking for.

[Rooster_DAR]

Yes, things are better now. She said she wouldn't be in that situation much and promised to invite me whenever they go out after work. It's the answer I was looking for.

 

Great, sounds like things are better (for now). The only reason I would be any bit of a skeptic, is that I've been down this road my share of times and things can change again.

 

Good luck dude!