Blindsighted. What will he think of next?

[Tragic]

I am inclined to believe that my boyfriend has not only deliberately snowed me, but is laughing at my expense as well.

 

I would like to ask your opinion on the matter. Also, if you could add on whether you think it was disrespectful or not, I would appreciate it.

He says that he had to leave early yesterday morning to catch a class in a city that is an hour and a half away. He tells me he will be home at six or so. Around 2:30pm, he calls me, from his cousins house (male cousin, quite the trampy gigilo) and proceeds to report to me that he will not be home tonight. The reason he stated was because it is a 2 day course, and he has to be there again tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning. So for this reason, he is going to spend the night at his cousins house. He says that he got to the class late, around 11:00am because he had to wait for his cousin to give him directions.

 

First of all, I am both hurt and concerned. And a bit shocked. Hurt because we have never spent a night apart. Concerned because his cousin is a male hussy that cheats on his gf with anything that reasonably resembles a human, and shocked because it is only an hour and a half drive.

 

So, I am resigned to spend the night alone. He says he will call, and we will talk before we go to bed to make it easier on us. He doesnt call the time he says he is going to call, so I call him. And he doesnt pick up. I keep calling, and he keeps not answering. I called his cousins cell. 2 times. No answer from him either. Finally, an hour and a half later, he calls me back. I ask him why he didnt call when he said he was going to, and why he never answered the phone. He told me he was in the shower....

 

Now I, being of the skeptical sort, immediately blew his story to shreds. He took an hour and a half shower in THAT shower (it is a VERY nasty shower that even he has qualms about using). I told him I was inclined not believe him unless he told me that his cousin was taking a shower with him as well, maybe I would believe him. He told me of course not. How is it then, you both surprisingly didnt answer the phone for an hour and a half? He came out with a weak save, but one I accepted for the time being nonetheless.

 

Let me stop the story right here, to ask if any of you would have a problem thus far with this story if you found yourself in the same predicament?

 

I will proceed.

 

At any rate, he calls me today, on a break from his class. It was at this point, that a master plan, devious in nature started to formulate within my mind. Little clues that werent there before started to unfurl within the outter edges of my mind.

 

"Hello" he says. "I am on break right now. I think I will be home at 4:00." From that one sentence, I blew his entire story wide open.

 

He never had class yesterday. He tricked me so he could spend the night

at his trampy cousins house.

 

From the following sentences, I would like to ask you to help me in determining if it was a premeditated thing or not.

 

First, lets logically think about this. One doesnt go to take a class (that you have to spend $500.00) and not have a clue about what time the class starts, when it ends, and what it entails. THus, backtracking to yesterday. He says he got to the class late yesterday. At 11:00am. Excuse me? One doesnt just "saunter in" at whatever time they so choose and leave at whatever time as well. Not for $500.00 and especially not when one is going in for a license of sorts.

 

I am willing to wager that yesterday, he found out all the information for today and today was the day he had his class. Yesterday, he spent the day screwing off with his piggish cousin doing god knows who or what.

 

The only question left is, Was it premeditated? and of course, your views. Was this disrespectful of him?

[Cheshire Cat]

If he spent $ 500.00 to attend a class he probably did not pay in cash - could he show you that he actually paid that money?

 

Can you check (by looking on the internet, emailing or making a phone call) what time the class started?

 

Did he take notes while attending the class? Did they give him any papers/document/textbook that could show that he actualy attended it?

 

Let me stop the story right here, to ask if any of you would have a problem thus far with this story if you found yourself in the same predicament?

 

I won't hide that I would be very concerned and very suspicious.

[Walk]

My natural inclination is to trust people, so I'll start with the benefit of the doubt scenario.

 

He may have gotten to class late and they still allowed him to participate. Or he may not have originally needed to be there for two days but because he got there late, they made him retake the course? Possibly they told him to just go home after he got there, and to come back tomorrow instead? Which could be why he called you at 2:30 from his cousins house. He didn't want to make the 1.5 drive twice because he screwed up. And potentially didn't want to tell you he screwed up because he was embarresed by it.

 

I actually find it more disturbing that neither of you are talking about this with each other. I would try the "I trust you, but don't understand" approach and see what he says. And if it's still riddled with holes, then keep asking questions until he either explains it well enough that you understand.. or he gets pissed at you and clams up because you won't accept the lie.

 

I think you could come to the conclusions you've come to based on the information you gave.

 

However.. I think it would be more beneficial to you to keep an open mind. Meaning, don't assume anything and keep your eyes open for inconsistancies.

 

Is he the type of guy who is willing and able to admit when he makes a stupid mistake? How is his communication when you know things are upfront and honest? Does he tell you everything that happened during his day, or does he usually give brief explainations that leave lots of blank areas? I guess what I'm asking is, what is he normally like in regular day to day communication.

 

I do think the story sounds hokey. But before I jumped to the conclusion that he was lying to me and had premeditated it, I'd do a little more digging. Mostly because if I did find out he lied and planned it ahead of time, then I'd feel the relationship was over. So I'd take steps to ensure I was correct in what I believed.

[Tragic]

Thank you Walk and Cheshire for responding.

 

Is he the type of guy who is willing and able to admit when he makes a stupid mistake? How is his communication when you know things are upfront and honest? Does he tell you everything that happened during his day,

 

The answer to all of the above is a big resounding NO.

 

Honesty is not a word he identifies with. Communication does not exist in his vocabulary. Upfront and Honest? I think there is a better chance of the world splitting in half tomorrow.

 

or does he usually give brief explainations that leave lots of blank areas?

 

Yes, I think that about sums it up, as long as you include the word "vague" in there somewhere.

 

And potentially didn't want to tell you he screwed up because he was embarresed by it.

 

And potentially he didnt want to tell me he screwed up because it was premeditated.

 

Thus far, this is what I know from what HE told me:

 

Left around 7 Tuesday morning, telling me that he had to attend this class. Called me around 2:30pm to tell me class was finished but that he was staying the nite because he didnt want to drive the 1.5 hours back because now (all of a sudden) it was a 2 day class and he needed to be there at 8:30am the next day (wednesday).

 

Tuesday nite, he was playing phone games with me, that led from one excuse to the next, what I outlined above and including "my battery is dying on my phone" to which there is no excuse because there are plenty of chargers at his cousins house. When I told him that, he told me that he didnt want to talk in front of his cousin (who doesnt understand english-so no excuse) added to the fact that the charger is located at the back of the house in a secluded spot...if it wasnt secluded enough for his tastes, he could move it.

Also, it was noted by my keen sense of hearing, the caterwauling of female voices in the backround. When I inquired over the nature of those voices, his response was immediately "hello?" "hello?" As if his phone was majestically dying right then and there. We played this back and forth "hello" charade for approximately a minute before I hollered at him that I knew what he was up to. I recieved one more perfectly timed "hello" and then a hang up.

 

He then called back a while later to say that his phone wasnt good earlier, and that he was taking a shower and would call me when he was finsihed. That is when the 1.5 hours of "showertime" story came into play.

 

But I digress. My purpose of writing this saga was to get to the point and I have done anything but.

 

Wednesday morning he called and told me he was on his break, and that is when I had the catastrophic revelation. He didnt call me tues when he was on his break. All these clues kept poking through. He said he would be home at 4:00pm

 

4:00 turns into 6:00pm. I call him to ask if he was coming home tonite. He told me he was "in his cousins car" so he couldnt leave right now. Maybe he might be home later. At 8:00pm, I recieve a phone call from his cousins girlfriend to tell me that my boyfriend was eating, and he would be leaving right after that.

 

I took offense to this. What a coward. To have someone call on your behalf. Finally, he comes home at 10:30pm.

 

He noted that I was not in residence and called me, suddenly very confused and upset that I was not home. Where are you, he demands to know. Thats not what you were concerned with knowing yesterday, I respond hotly. Nevertheless, I come home.

 

I say not a word. Not one single utterance came from my mouth, nor his.

 

He managed to take a single 7 hour class and turn it into a 2 day affair.

 

I should interject that I would have felt a bit better (but only by a shard) if he came home at 4 like he said he would. Instead, he managed to drag it on until 10:30 at night.

 

What do you think?

[britchick]

I am inclined to believe that my boyfriend has not only deliberately snowed me, but is laughing at my expense as well.

 

I would like to ask your opinion on the matter. Also, if you could add on whether you think it was disrespectful or not, I would appreciate it.

He says that he had to leave early yesterday morning to catch a class in a city that is an hour and a half away. He tells me he will be home at six or so. Around 2:30pm, he calls me, from his cousins house (male cousin, quite the trampy gigilo) and proceeds to report to me that he will not be home tonight. The reason he stated was because it is a 2 day course, and he has to be there again tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning. So for this reason, he is going to spend the night at his cousins house. He says that he got to the class late, around 11:00am because he had to wait for his cousin to give him directions.

 

First of all, I am both hurt and concerned. And a bit shocked. Hurt because we have never spent a night apart. Concerned because his cousin is a male hussy that cheats on his gf with anything that reasonably resembles a human, and shocked because it is only an hour and a half drive.

 

So, I am resigned to spend the night alone. He says he will call, and we will talk before we go to bed to make it easier on us. He doesnt call the time he says he is going to call, so I call him. And he doesnt pick up. I keep calling, and he keeps not answering. I called his cousins cell. 2 times. No answer from him either. Finally, an hour and a half later, he calls me back. I ask him why he didnt call when he said he was going to, and why he never answered the phone. He told me he was in the shower....

 

Now I, being of the skeptical sort, immediately blew his story to shreds. He took an hour and a half shower in THAT shower (it is a VERY nasty shower that even he has qualms about using). I told him I was inclined not believe him unless he told me that his cousin was taking a shower with him as well, maybe I would believe him. He told me of course not. How is it then, you both surprisingly didnt answer the phone for an hour and a half? He came out with a weak save, but one I accepted for the time being nonetheless.

 

Let me stop the story right here, to ask if any of you would have a problem thus far with this story if you found yourself in the same predicament?

 

I will proceed.

 

At any rate, he calls me today, on a break from his class. It was at this point, that a master plan, devious in nature started to formulate within my mind. Little clues that werent there before started to unfurl within the outter edges of my mind.

 

"Hello" he says. "I am on break right now. I think I will be home at 4:00." From that one sentence, I blew his entire story wide open.

 

He never had class yesterday. He tricked me so he could spend the night

at his trampy cousins house.

 

From the following sentences, I would like to ask you to help me in determining if it was a premeditated thing or not.

 

First, lets logically think about this. One doesnt go to take a class (that you have to spend $500.00) and not have a clue about what time the class starts, when it ends, and what it entails. THus, backtracking to yesterday. He says he got to the class late yesterday. At 11:00am. Excuse me? One doesnt just "saunter in" at whatever time they so choose and leave at whatever time as well. Not for $500.00 and especially not when one is going in for a license of sorts.

 

I am willing to wager that yesterday, he found out all the information for today and today was the day he had his class. Yesterday, he spent the day screwing off with his piggish cousin doing god knows who or what.

 

The only question left is, Was it premeditated? and of course, your views. Was this disrespectful of him?

 

 

Do you have any reason not to trust your boyfriend, apart from this incident? His behaviour sounds to me more like that of someone who wants to spend some time with a friend (or cousin) but knows that his girlfriend will object and so lies about it.

Of course, it isn't pleasant to be lied to but on the other hand perhaps you don't give him the space to do the things he needs to do.

It seems from your post that you were intent on finding out something to be angry about, so you found it.

[serial muse]

hi tragic. your situation sounds pretty unpromising, i have to tell you. (i read your earlier thread, too.) i'm not sure if i see why you guys are still together, all things considered. but just to comment on your current situation - yeah, i think his behavior is highly suspicious. he's being dishonest, and it sounds, based on everything you've written, like this is perhaps a passive-aggressive way of restructuring the off-kilter balance of power in your relationship. i wonder whether he's ever complained about feeling like you wear the pants? it seems fairly clear that, whether overtly or subtly, you generally call the shots.

 

and i can imagine that he's under pressure from his cousin, and perhaps other family members, to reassert himself somehow. or perhaps he just feels pressure from himself to do so. although he may be a passive person, his culture isn't going to treat him kindly for being the submissive one. please note: that's not an excuse for him, by any means; he could man up and confront you directly rather than running around behind your back with the lying and the cell phone dying and the 2-day class nonsense. but, IMHO, he can't do it, he's afraid to confront you for what he probably feels is robbing him of his manhood, and that's likely to be the reality of the situation.

 

just to give you a bit more of the picture, i am speaking from experience, having once been married to a cuban-american man who had some of the same issues your guy does. (no language barrier in our case though) so i think i have an inkling of what you, and perhaps even he, might be going through. but maybe not.

 

i don't know whether you want to salvage this relationship. you seem to not think very highly of him, from your posts (perhaps deservedly - i gotta admit, it's hard to tell why you like him at all from what you've written). but if you do, that's the thing you'll need to address. he's behaving like a five-year-old, running away from mommy's apron strings...and unless you can both figure out how to recast your relationship as less parent/child and more equal partners, i don't see how it's going to work. i'm sorry to say that.

[Tragic]

I dont know what gives you the impression that I wear the pants. It couldnt be further from the truth. Sadly, it is I that is both smothered and suffocated, having no real space from him (unless you count the 10 minute drive to the supermarket to buy provisions). I have to account for nearly every second of time that I am not near him. Why, upon his arriving home, he called me demanding to know what my location was, and called me no less than 2 times in a 7 minute time span.

 

It is I that must deal with his oppression. It is I that has been denied the access to visit with my friends. Did you know that I am not allowed to even use my phone sometimes? He actually has either tried or threatened to break it on numerous occasions, and when all else has failed, he hides it on me.

 

If anything, the power is radically shifted in favor of him, while I am left silent and sullen most of the time.

 

I most certainly do not call the shots ever. In fact, if ever I try to assert myself, I am immediately shot down. Naturally, that doesnt keep me from trying.

 

I do sense, though, that he is still trying to bleed out whatever independence is left inside of me.

 

The most recent tactic was him telling me that he is going to "teach" me how to trust in him and only him by deliberately refusing to divulge tantalizing information that is directly pertinent to our relationship.

 

As a matter of fact, he readily imploys such methods with such obvious gusto and flair: the likes of which I have never encountered and probably never will. He certainly seems to have developed a fine taste in kicking me while I am down.

 

Personally, I am contemplating whether he is a sadist or no.

[serial muse]

my goodness, tragic, what is positive in your relationship?? it sounds like you kind of hate him.

 

i suppose i got that impression because you talk about him in a rather condescending way. obviously i haven't got a clue about how things really are between you, but the one thing that is apparent is that you don't have a high opinion of him.

 

well, and the other thing that is apparent is that there is an ongoing struggle for power in your relationship. a really unhealthy one. i don't know, from all that you've said, that it's so clear to me who's got the upper hand, but if you say it's him, then okay, i'll take your word on it. my own interpretation would have been that he tries to control you in his way, and you try to control him in yours.

 

it all sounds very destructive to me though.

[mental_traveller]

Thank you Walk and Cheshire for responding.

 

 

 

The answer to all of the above is a big resounding NO.

 

Honesty is not a word he identifies with. Communication does not exist in his vocabulary. Upfront and Honest? I think there is a better chance of the world splitting in half tomorrow.

 

 

Why the hell are you with him then?

 

Look - he clearly lied to you and probably had planned something he wanted to hide from you. Given his cousins reputation, it could have been anything - getting drunk, visiting a strip bar, to partying with a room full of hookers, who knows?

 

More to the point, who cares? This guy is clearly unsuitable. You have no trust, and little respect for him. Move on already.

[Tragic]

It is at this point that I am faced with the fringes of uneasiness. Do tell what you think of all of this now in light of the recent situation.

 

BF left today, in the wee hours of the morning. I watched him pack his necessities which included some rather fine apparel, some of the threads barely used, the price tags having been snipped only one time previous. His face freshly groomed and glowing, his outfit meticulously planned (but not so), having thrown on a old faded "decoy" shirt under the guise of an uncaring dresser with no real plans for the day only to take it off, declaring that the newer, brighter shirt was clean, and the other was dirty. I however, was unable to discern an odor, nor soiled spots on the older shirt.

I was not fooled. His careful machinations was not lost on me. I layed there, in my bed that now felt more like a coffin, in the predawn hours and studied his brand new haircut, recieved only yesterday, and considered the careful lines and angles, deliberate and sharp and tried to persuade myself that it was merely coincidence that his hair was freshly cut yesterday, in light of his plan to travel today.

 

And so I watched, my geedy eyes taking in everything, saying nothing, while a fresh wave of apprehension swept over me. Of course, upon leaving, there was a grave scene, complete with whispered promises, and serene kisses. Of course, I am not one to be coddled so easily, his gentle nudges and quiet words meant to soothe only suceeding in enraging me all the more.

 

And in a flicker, he was gone. And in that state he will stay for 3 days. Classes again. Informing me this past monday that I could go if I wanted to, knowing full well I cannot take the time from work. An olive branch but not quite.

 

He is staying with that womanizing swine of a cousin again. I sense the icy grip of his malicious tentacles upon my BF's attitude. Its not what he says so much....its rather what he doesnt say.

 

I have the vague, uneasy feeling of being decieved yet again. I am quite dubious over his claims that it is all work and no play this weekend.

 

I strongly suspect the foulest of "play" is at hand this weekend with him.

 

Advice anyone?