To Sep. or Not To... That is the Question

[GraphicsGoddess]

Hello,

 

I just found this place today. Thought I'd tell a bit about myself first off, then do a bit of reading. What I have read, it sounds like I'm a bit on the other side of many relationships here. Maybe that will make sense when I'm finished.

 

I met my husband almost 6 years ago. We married within a year of meeting. We bought our house within 6 months, and I was pregnant 3 months after that. Unfortunately, I lost the baby shortly after that. Three months later, I was pregnant again. This time I went full term and I have a beautiful 3 year old little boy. He's the best thing in the world!

 

Before I lost the baby, we were a very loving couple. Very affectionate towards each other. Due to prior circumstances, I was already a bit uneasy when it came to "doing laundry," but overall, our married life was good. We never fought, never argued.

 

After the baby, I became pretty much obssessed with having a baby. I was very depressed, but apparently hid it from everyone very well, I'm finding out now. Once my son was born, it was all about him. I was pretty much rude to my husband and VERY stand-offish. That lasted for about a year and a half after my son was born.

 

About a year ago, I finally decided that we needed help. I got my husband to go to counseling with me. (I had been going since shortly after we got married, due to other family issues. I no longer speak with my mother.) We found a marriage counselor and went a few times. Since we first talked aout it, we started opening up about a lot of issues we had with each other. Things seemed to be going better. I guess I have to add here that from about the time my son was born until about now, we've "had laundry" less than a handful of times. I always thought it was me. I just wasn't into it at all. I had to MAKE myself concentrate on what was going on.

 

A few months ago, an old boyfriend of mine popped up. No, I didn't do anything stupid (Even though he did ask). But I realized something. I wanted to. I thought that part of me was gone. That I was broken and couldn't be attracted to anyone. Not that I necessarily wanted HIM, it was just the fact that I wanted someone!

 

It's been about 9 months since then. My husband has no clue that I realized that. We talk, but never about anything important. I don't let him touch me. I love him very much, but he's my best friend in the world! He's the father to my son! I don't want to hurt him. It's the most cliched thing to say, but it's true - I love him, but I'm no longer IN love with him.

 

I have no friends. My best friend turned her back on me about a year ago, and we don't even have any friends that we talk to on a regular basis anymore. So, I figure this is the next best thing... complete strangers who don't know me who can offer advice.

 

That's pretty much me in a nutshell.

 

Assumed Name Penny

[dgiirl]

Hey Penny,

 

It sounds like your situation is pretty similar to a lot of couples. There's nothing specifically wrong except for a few rough edges, but the main problem is you and your husband lost the spark of the relationship. Then comes along a guy from your past, and you get to fantasize what life would be like. You get to feel the high from the infatuation. This happens to a lot of people and is perfectly understandable. However, would you give up a marriage for a simple high that lasts only a few months to a year? What if you could get that spark back with your husband, would you still want a divorce? It sounds like you and your husband are both putting in the effort for the marriage. It does take time and consistent effort to keep that spark alive. Unfortunately, you could replace him with anyone, and the same thing will happen unless you both keep making the effort.

 

Just say you do get a divorce. How do you envision your life differently than it is right now? Do you see yourself going out with friends more? Trying new things? Picking up new hobbies? Try to envision how you want your life to be, and see if you can start to bring some of those things into your current life. All our happiness should not be wrapped up onto one person or one thing. To have a happy fulfilled life, we need to keep ourselves balanced. Balanced between work, family, lover, parent, and personal self improvement. Too many times we get so wrapped up into our roles in life, and let that define who we are, and then when things dont go well, we're devestated and lost. We have nothing else to rely on because we depended so much on one thing for our happiness.

[GraphicsGoddess]

I think you missunderstood what I meant with the other guy. I don't want him. We broke up years ago for a number of reasons. What he made me realize was only that a part of me wasn't dead, like I had thought. I seriously thought there was no way on earth I could ever find another man sexually attractive. He proved that wrong. Again, don't want him, just realized there was attraction. I'm much too level headed to do something stupid.

 

I have thought a lot about how different things would be. I'm not one to have my head in the clouds. That's part of the problem, too. My husband is a dreamer. I am not. I handle the day to day activities of the house. If there is an appointment to be made, I do it. I am the mother figure of the house - to both my husband and my son.

 

I guess I would characterize misery to be a bit more than a few rough edges. No, we don't cheat on each other, we don't go out all night on drinking binges, we don't yell and scream at each other, and we don't beat up on each other. On the outside looking in, we are a wonderful couple. I told my mom today about the issues and she was pretty shocked. She knew we'd had problems in the past but thought we were working them out. She actually sent me this link.

 

Without giving you my life history, it's difficult to understand what is really going on here. I am miserable. I don't sleep well at night. I hate my job right now, and have been very active in trying to find a new one, but that's a failure. My husband works late into the evening, so it's just me and my son most of the time. He works Saturday's, so I really see him about 2 hours a day and Sunday. There is nothing that can be done about this. It's a new job that he loves, but with crap hours. I feel like I live a lie day in and day out.

 

Penny

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

A few months ago, an old boyfriend of mine popped up. No, I didn't do anything stupid (Even though he did ask). But I realized something. I wanted to. I thought that part of me was gone. That I was broken and couldn't be attracted to anyone. Not that I necessarily wanted HIM, it was just the fact that I wanted someone!

 

Hi Penny!

 

First, I'd like to welcome you to the forum.

 

I understand that 'awakening' that you experienced upon meeting with you ex. I have been married 10 years. I've never cheated, never looked at another man, was never interested in other men, period. However, about a year ago, I became flushed with 'love' and 'attraction', albeit for another man! I was quite overwhelmed by these new sensations of butterflies in the stomach and the like. (That's why my screen name is KHLF..)

 

 

I guess I have to add here that from about the time my son was born until about now, we've "had laundry" less than a handful of times. I always thought it was me. I just wasn't into it at all. I had to MAKE myself concentrate on what was going on.

 

Do you mean that you haven't been doing laundry????? If you are not up to it, why can't your H do it?

[dgiirl]

No, i didnt misunderstand your situation with your ex. I understood that nothing happened, and that you didnt want anything to happen. But I also understood that he made you realize all the things you miss in your current relationship. The spark and infatuation. The butterflies in the stomach. This happens quiet often in relationships that go stale. You live day to day ignoring the problems until one day one partner get's that spark with someone new. Very often affairs happen. In your case nothing happened, but it still made you realize what you want in life. There's nothing wrong with this, and you deserve it.

 

However, you also talk about misery and not sleeping at night and hating your job and not having your own life. You are over worked and probably feel underappreciated. It seems you've lost sight of what's really important in life. You've stopped taking care of your needs. And you believe that getting rid of the husband will cure all. It might help as a short term solution, but the real problem is learning to be happy in life. You are in control of your own happiness. Not one single person in your life can make you happy or sad unless you allow it. If you change your perspective of your own life, you can either be happy or sad. You said you had no friends. So basically you've invested every part of you into your marriage, and when you hit a few bad times, you are no longer fulfilled because you've invested everything into one thing, your marriage. It's understandable why you feel this way. And I'm not attacking you at all. However, you need to learn to balance your life. Nothing is ever going to be 100% perfect all the time. Thus when you are having some hard times in your marriage, if you had your own personal life, hobbies that will rejuvenate your spirit, you can come back to the marriage with a fresh clearer mind and be able to work through the rough times. Same thing applies for work life. If you had a healthy marriage or a healthy personal life, when work gets crappy, atleast you can go home and rejuvenate and come back the next day with a clearer head and spirit. This is why I asked you how do you see your life different if you get a divorce? What is that feeling you are lacking in your current life, and why can you not get it now? The way you write, every aspect in your life is crap. You have no friends. You hate your job. You lack sleep. You're the one in charge of everything. And you're not in love with your husband. What's the common denominator in all these problems? You! So start working on ways to improve your current life. Once you have a fulfilled social life, a fulfilled work life, a fulfilled personal life, you're getting sleep and you're able to rule out depression, once everything else in your life is perfect and you are still not happy in the marriage, then get out. But right now, you have too many unfulfilled areas in your life that surely they are affecting one another.

[D-Lish]

I went through something very similar with my ex husband and a marriage.

We were together for 10 years in total from beginning to end. After about 2 years, I lost interest in him sexually- but he was still my very best friend in the world. He travelled incessantly for work and was never home- often overseas for weeks at a time.

 

At some point we both realized that we loved one another, but weren't in love with one another anymore. What made it hard was the fact that we were best friends- and had also lost contact with other friends in our lives. When we decided to split, I developed a strong friendship with an girl who was going through the same thing as me and we went through our "break ups" together.

 

During that time of need I just sunk everything into my friendship with her. That was three years ago- and since then we have dated and broken up with other men since our ex-husbands- but the friendship remains strong. It's important to develop friendships and interests outside your marriage and family... they can really give you the strength to get through this.

 

I guess you first have to decide if you truly want out of the marriage- whether you are depressed and need to get the help you need for that.

 

Get involved in something that brings out the individual in you.

You may find that doing that gives you the strength to leave, or the resolve to stay and work things out. Sounds like you are still a bit undecided at this point.

 

Good luck!

Dee

[Island Girl]

I wholeheartedly agree with dgiirl.

 

The spark is gone but it happens. You do need to start getting some other things going on in your life. You have one thing that is bringing you happiness right now and that is your son. Everything is focused on him and the rest has become a vaccuum.

 

That spark can get re-ignited. You just need to get out and enjoy eachother again. Try to work it out so you can get out on some dates like you used to. Relax and enjoy doing something fun. It will help you personally at the very least.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to walk away from someone who clearly is standing by you and you say you do love. The dating world can be very lonely and empty. The guys who give off sparks are all over the place but not all of them are looking for a healthy supportive committed relationship.

 

It seems like there is a lot of pain and emptiness that you are feeling. I hope you do things that help that get better before you make any major decisions.

[Gunny376]

Unless you relaize the root cause ~ you're only going to find yourself back in the same situation with the next guy. The root cause is the day to day of making a living, keeping a roof over your head, food in your mouth, clothes on your back ~ and forgeting the reason you started this whole thing to begin with.

 

When you're up to your ass in alligators, snakes, and Indians, its hard to remember that you're initial objective was to drain the swamp.

 

Its seems to me that you and the DH needs to kick start the romance life ~ with opening his eyes to the fact that good romance doesn't = sex, but could, lead to it.

 

I understand that you don't like your job ~ and the fact that you have few if any outside contacts outside of your family is exactlally the reason you're having problems finding a good decent job. Finding a good job is more function of who you know than what you know.

 

For instance, here in the Great State of Alabama, the number one single employer consists of family owned businesses, employing 100 peoplr or less. Guess who they hire first ~ family and members of family. And, like good men and women ~ good jobs are hard to come by. Generally speaking ~ what ones they're are someone already has them, have had them for a good long while, and you're going to have to fight them to get them away from them.

 

A good man ~ well lhe's like a Phillsbury Doughboy, you've got to fold them and mold them ~ and pick out all the crap they're mother's taught them, and teach them how to meet your own personal individual wants, needs, etc. The way that you do that is you've got to communicate, and break it down to them.

 

Usually what women do is that end up breaking some guys heart, and he starts mending, and figuring out what he did or ddidn't do. He starts learing, growing, reading ~ and you've just ended up creating a great guy for someone else. The men that don't do this end up being married and divorce five or six times, and end up in the Old Folks Home talking about their fifth and six wives.

[GraphicsGoddess]

I'll try to answer everyone here.

 

First off, thank you all for responding. I do appreciate it.

 

DGiirl - What I meant by doing laundry was a euphamism (I hope that's the right word) We haven't been intimate in years.

 

For the most part, I do agree with most of you in that it comes back to me. My counselor and I were talking this week about how I put everyone ahead of me. I grew up with a very selfish mother who only thought about herself, so of course, I went the other direction. I have a hard time finding a middle ground. If it comes to making someone else comfortable, or making myself comfortable - the other person comes first. That's just me. Which is why Ihaven't said anything to my husband about all of this. I know it will hurt him. I'd rather hurt myself than hurt him.

 

You've all talked about a spark being reignited, or finding romance. My husband is actually a very romantic person. I am not. I get weirded out by it. It seems so false and put-on to me. He's tried to do things in the past, but I just go into a fit of giggles or tell him to stop. It makes me very uncomfortable. It isn't just with him. I've done this with dates in the past.

 

Finding things to do for me - Well, I'm a mother, that's a 24/7 job. I work full time - I'm an Art Director/Graphic Artist. (I'll talk about the job thing in a minute) I'm back in school trying to finish my degree. I'm taking online classes so that I can at least be at home some. And I'm helping my dad get a business up and going. Because of the nature of the business, it would not succeed without my help. He has to have my graphics skills. Add in my husband's work schedule, and y'all find time for me to get a hobby? I use my lunch breaks to go to a gym near my office to work out. That's the most me-time I really get.

 

Job thing - I'm a graphic artist. It's not like these jobs are a dime a dozen. I've gone on a few interviews that I thought went really well. One was with a VERY high end ad agency. Never heard back. They said that just by getting that far in the hiring process, I should feel honored. Yeah, well, feeling honored doesn't give me a job. My current job I've been here for over 8 years. Actually my entire career. Lots of changes have happened and I'm just NOT happy here anymore.

 

Friends - When my husband and I met, I didn't have any, but he had tons. We met through an online message board here in our city. We started out as just great friends online. There was attraction from both of us, but I've always felt that it might be more intense from him. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship when I met him (a month before we met). The riends slowly started drifting away. He says it wasn't my fault, but I feel very guilty about them all leaving. They didn't like me very much. I pulled him away - or at least that's what they saw. My best friend was my sister in law. She and I had a majr falling out a couple of years ago. We've tried to patch things, but it's just not there. She's pushed everyone in my entire family away, and is keeping my brother from us as well. Long stupid story.

 

I think that answers everyone. I may come across as a somewhat serious person. I'm actually a very fun loving, smart-alec, joking kinda person. I haven't had much to laugh about recently, but I do remember loving it.

[Plato1969]

While everyone here has adequately addressed most of your issues, one remains in the background that is all too often forgotten. Your child. Do yourself a favor and pick up: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce

 

It will really make you think about things from a different perspective.

From what I've read about your situation, it seems like you've come across one of life's "bumps" in the road. It doesn't seem like a hopeless situation (to me), and you really should not think of it that way. If you're suffering from depression, that's likely adding to your feelings (negative ones.) talk to your doctor about treatment, read a cognitive therapy book, and continue the counseling. Who knows, in a few months, your outlook on things may change completely. Good luck!

[GraphicsGoddess]

My mother left when I was about 3 months old. She was around, but not much growing up. My dad and my step mother raised us. When I refer to my Mom, I'm refering to my Step mother. My parents got officially divorced when I was 3, and both remarried. I was the child of a divorce. I don't remember my mother being around - and she was the dead-beat parent. I never wanted my son to have divorced parents. But I also don't want him to grow up thinking that this is what a healthy relationship looks like. Anyone who says to stay together for the children is insane.

 

So, yes, I have thought long and hard about my child with this.

 

I'm beginning to think this wasn't such a good idea to post here. The more I explain, the more I feel like the situation is being seen as "just a bump, or a small issue" that I'll grow out of.

 

I came here for a bit of support, not necessarily to be told it'll pass. Maybe I wasn't up front with my thoughts.

[dgiirl]

GG, we're trying to support you the best we can. But ultimately, it's up to you what you do with your life and how you want to fix it. If you really think divorce is the answer, then get a divorce. You dont need us to validate your reasons. As an objective bystander, I'm reading that you are having difficulty in many aspects of your life, not just your marriage. And when we advised you to start working on other areas that will bring happiness to your life, you dismissed it by not having any time to pursue personal hobbies. Well, if you cannot take the time out NOW for yourself, you will in a few years from now when your health starts to suffer and your hospitalized. Not one of us told you it will pass. It WONT pass on it's own. It wont get better in time. You HAVE to be active not passive in fixing your life. I bet the reason why you are in this situation in the first place is because like many other failed marriages, you HAVE been passive, thinking and praying things will magically fix itself, yet not pursuing anything that fulfils you. And even IF you cannot change anything in your life, you still can change your perspective on things. You can find happiness in the smallest things in your life if you just pay attention to it.

[GraphicsGoddess]

The post about me not seeing my son in this whole situation really rubbed me wrong. So I apologize.

 

What I keep reading is that the "spark" is gone. We've been together for about 6 years... the spark hasn't been there for a LONG time. Probably the majority of the time we've been married. You could say that I've always felt a bit "off" with the marriage but thought it was just my own insecurities in myself.

 

I don't know if divorce is my answer. I don't know what my answer is. I was hoping to find maybe someone who had a situation similar to mine - had a very loving husband, but knew that you weren't the right wife for him.

 

Dating has been brought up a few times. Honestly, I don't want to date. I've never been completely on my own. I moved out when I was 17. Shortly after, I had to get a roommate. After that, I ended up moving into my brother's house for a time. Shortly after that, I had an apartment that a boyfriend moved into with me. He was the guy I was with for 2 years, then met my husband a month later. I'm 27 now. So anyone who thought I might be a real youngun, I'm not. :-) I've always had either family or a boyfriend there. I want just ME for a while (Well, me and my son, of course.) I don't want to make him my world... I want to make my world with him in it. A boyfriend or a date is not something that I need to deal with right now or in the future.

 

I bet the reason why you are in this situation in the first place is because like many other failed marriages, you HAVE been passive, thinking and praying things will magically fix itself, yet not pursuing anything that fulfils you. And even IF you cannot change anything in your life, you still can change your perspective on things. You can find happiness in the smallest things in your life if you just pay attention to it.

 

Ummm... no, not exactly. Maybe this past year I have been somewhat, but this was after my husband and I went to counseling and he agreed to do a few things different, as did I. I did things different (mostly my bitchiness), and he did nothing different. He still has me placed in the mother-figure. One of the things that drives me nuts is him constatnly bugging me about sex. I tell him repeatedly the more he bugs me about it, the more it makes me want to not have it. Does that work? Nope.

 

I'm also still in counseling, and I am actively trying to figure out where I need to start. Even just writing this here is a huge step for me.

[OceanBlue]

Not sure if this will help you but here's my separation story. I have been separated for a little more than 2 years. We were together a total of 13, and have 2 children. I was very unhappy in the M for probably the last 5 or 6 years. Like you, I always think of the other person...my needs, wants and desires always came last. To anyone on the outside looking in, we had a perfect M. We never fought and even ended our M without a fight. (I know, sounds kinda sad doesn't it?)

 

At some point in the last 2 years of our M, I started to really resent him. I was in a rut, I had no friends and no opportunity to make any as I was 'Mommy'. 'Mommy' didn't have anytime for herself...his hours at work were not particularly convenient so I always had to get the kids after my work, made dinner, cleaned house and that was it... Our sex life? Well, that was nothing to write home about but it wasn't the only issue.

 

I started to miss the person I used to be. I wasn't fun anymore. Long story short, we tried counselling but slipped back into the same roles. After much soul searching, I decided that if I wanted my kids to grow up in a happy home, then I had to be happy and that wasn't going to happen the way things were going.

 

Funny as it sounds, we have very good communication now, the kids spend more one on one time with him than they did before, and I am me again. I'm still 'mommy', but I'm happy now. Just for the record, while separation/divorce is hard on the whole family, we really focused on our children and helping them through this with as little trauma as possible and lots of love.

 

 

Hope that this maybe gave you another perspective. I don't regret my decision to leave my H. It was right for me.

[Gunny376]

Per the previous poster, ..................."the time to divorce is after you've worked through all the anger, frustration, and hurt." ~ Dr. Phil McGraw

[tonyp56]

Sorry to do this, but I can't help it. Sometimes it is good to hear things even if it is hard to see.

 

You are the reason that there is not any spark in your marriage. In the future, if you get a divorce and you find someone else, the spark there will die as well, because you let it.

 

Quit your job, stop going to school, give up your son, would you consider any of these? I don't think so, you'd say something like, my job is the only one I have, I go to school for my future, and of course, I love my son. But you are willing to give up your husband? Like you've said, the father of your son, your best friend, etc... Stop blamming him for your problems. With or without him you are not happy.

 

Why won't you talk to your mom? Why don't you have any friends? What is so wrong with you that you can't have friends? Look within, figure it out. If you are so selfless--concerned with others comfort, then why is it you don't talk to your mom any more, and or why is your best friend and you not talking? And finally, if you really cared about your husband you'd tell him right now that you aren't happy and that you are thinking of leaving. My wife told me that same crap, "I couldn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you". Well guess what, it hurts a hell of a lot less to be told so that your husband can perhaps fix or help fix problem(s), than it does to wake up one day and for you to just up and leave, and suddenly--to your husband at least--discover that your wife isn't attracted, isn't "in-Love", don't want to be with, etc... Trust me, it would be better for your husband to know that you aren't happy before it is too late for him to do anything about it. He may know that you aren't the happiest person on the planet, but likely has no idea that you plan or are thinking of leaving him. Trust me when I say, as a husband who's wife left, it would be nice to know before it is too late!

[calalily]

I can't tell you whether you should separate or not - it is a difficult situation that may have a bad impact on all of you either way.

 

But I can give a little practical advice for saving your marriage, which if you use it will help a lot. Counselling is good, and you should do that too, but this advice is key.

 

Part of what puts the spark in a marriage is kissing and touch. In a sexless marriage there is no spark. This is because one is addicted (when "in love") to the pheromones in the skin. Without kissing and touch, your affection and "in love" feelings fade away, because you are effectively quitting your addiction to him. If you want to make it work again, and bring back that spark, start touching again.

[GraphicsGoddess]

Tony - I never said I was going to leave him or walk out on him. I just said I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue the marriage. Everyone has guessed that I would just get up one day and walk out. I would never do that to him. His first wife did that to him, and I swore to him and myself that I'd never just walk out. No marriage should end like that. It's the chicken-sh!# way of doing things. I WILL eventually sit down and talk to him. I'd just like to get my thoughts together before I do ANYTHING. Would you like it if your wife came in with completely mixed emotions and talked, or that she got it sorted out in her head first and made some sense?

 

You say that the reason the spark isn't there is my fault? Why? How do you know this for sure? How do you know what happened a year ago that could have caused some of this? Or what has happened in both of our lives? Do no infer things, just go off of what I say, please.

 

As for why I don't speak with my mother - She has spent the majority of my life manipulating me. The last time I saw her was the day my son was born. She's had no contact with him, because I don't want her screwing up his head like she did mine.

 

Contrary to your possible belief, I am a very reasonable person. Sometimes too level headed. I have to think things through - and sometimes that means I find places that I can talk it out. I was thinking this might be one, but I am still wondering if it was a good idea. I see a LOT of hurt feelings, and me telling my side of a story is opening wounds that others might have.

 

calilly - The counselor we saw a while back said the same thing. We tried that for a while, but do you want your brother to touch you in an intimate way? yeah - that's what it feels like to me. Like my brother is hitting on me, or flirting with me. How the hell do you get a feeling like that out of your head? Certainly not by continuing touching or kissing. I couldn't tell you when the last time we had an intimate kiss was. It makes me want to wash my mouth out. Not because he needs to brush his teeth or anything, but because it's just gross! I don't like the prospect of kissing at all!

 

Penny

[calalily]

How the hell do you get a feeling like that out of your head? Certainly not by continuing touching or kissing. I couldn't tell you when the last time we had an intimate kiss was. It makes me want to wash my mouth out. Not because he needs to brush his teeth or anything, but because it's just gross! I don't like the prospect of kissing at all!

 

Because it's about pheromones, you can get around this - a kiss on the hand, and then progress from there. Once you are re-addicted it's easier, but don't go for the saliva straight away. It also doesn't have to be intimate, the hand is fine, or the arm, anywhere that you feel non-threatened. The chemicals will get into your system, and then you'll find it easier - don't go straight for intimacy though, it's too soon.

[Gunny376]

IMHO, it sounds as though you've got a reverse form of "me-itis", your giving so much of yourself to everyone else ~ you're getting very little return on your investment of time, effort, energy, and that's leaving you feeling empty inside.

 

That combined with the day to day of the rat race, making a living. It also sounds as though you've got too many irons in the fire. You're bored with your job, bored with your marriage, bored with your life. Girl you need to make some changes.

 

If (noticed I put that in bold?) you can educate your husband and yourself to the material at MarriageBuilders, and Light Her Fire ~ Light His Fire Material and then started out slowly and re-difine the relationship. (which we all have to do throughout the course of the marriage) you might be capable of re-igniting the spark.

[GraphicsGoddess]

Depending on the situation, It's a crap shoot. If you;re leaving a real abusive situation YES YES YES RUN, a perceived one or one that may feel verbally abusive but maybe not, try couselling.

 

I read this in another thread, and didn't want to muck up that thread with my question...

 

Why is it the only reason I'm reading here to end a marriage is if there is violence? I don't understand why people can't just move apart.

[GraphicsGoddess]

IMHO, it sounds as though you've got a reverse form of "me-itis", your giving so much of yourself to everyone else ~ you're getting very little return on your investment of time, effort, energy, and that's leaving you feeling empty inside.

 

That combined with the day to day of the rat race, making a living. It also sounds as though you've got too many irons in the fire. You're bored with your job, bored with your marriage, bored with your life. Girl you need to make some changes.

 

If (noticed I put that in bold?) you can educate your husband and yourself to the material at MarriageBuilders, and Light Her Fire ~ Light His Fire Material and then started out slowly and re-difine the relationship. (which we all have to do throughout the course of the marriage) you might be capable of re-igniting the spark.

 

Gunny - You could say that... I at least have realized that that is part of my problem. Trying to do for everyone else besides myself, including fighting for my marriage over a year ago. I did it because I couldn't see hurting my husband anymore than I already had.

 

I do need to make some changes... and I am desperately trying to. The issue is that I simply CAN'T right now. I've told my husband and my father that I can't work on our business as much as before, so taht I can finish my degree sooner. I can't quit school. I can't quit the business, because it would be nothing without me (Not being arrogant, being realistic. They know nothing about graphics, and that's what is needed.) I can't quit my son, obviously. I can't quit my job. I am very actively looking for a new one, but I have to stay where I am, because I have a house payment and bills that have to be paid.

 

I have a question for you - do you know of anyone who has read those books that has succeeded?

[dgiirl]

Why is it the only reason I'm reading here to end a marriage is if there is violence? I don't understand why people can't just move apart.

 

Because a lot of marriages end simply because it got boring and they are not happy. This type of mentality is ok for relationships, but not a marriage. A marriage is SUPPOSE to be about lifetime commitment. To actually work through the bad times together. What are you going to do differently in your next relationship that will prevent this situation from happening again?

 

Not enough people actually realize that hey they might be the problem, not their spouse. They realize this after the divorce, when they are still unhappy, and then they have noone else to blame. Then they realize that they had complete control over their happiness, and that the other spouse wasnt as bad as they believed at the time, and with effort it could have worked out but by then it's too late. A lot of us have experienced the pain of divorce. A lot of us know that nothing is easy in life and if you really want a commited loving relationship, you need to work on it. A lot of us are "pro" marriage not because it's "wrong" to divorce, but only because we know what we went through and want to prevent it from happening again. You are just some stranger on the internet. Whether you divorce or not has absolutely no bearing on my life. There's absolutely no gain in any outcome for me. And thus you should take our advice with a grain of salt, but also realize that it's the most objective advice you'll probably get.

 

Let me ask you again, how do you think your life will be different once you are divorced? What is it that you are seeking in life? What feeling, what experiences, what excitement?

 

As for your situation, is it possible that your father higher someone else part time? You could simply look over that employee, but not necessarily do the day to day work. Listen, your health is starting to get at risk here. You can continue being super-mom/wife/daughter, or you can start asking for help. Without your health, what is the point to life? Why are you working if not to have a better life? Why would you intentionally ruin your health and your chance at a better life by overworking yourself? You cannot do it all. And if you really want to be a good mom, a good daughter and a good wife, you need to take care of yourself. You cant give away anything you dont have. So if you are not happy, you cannot make anyone else happy. If you are not in a good healthy frame of mind, you cannot help anyone else be in that good healthy frame of mind. And dont you want that for your child? Doesnt your child deserve a healthy happy mother?

 

I think the first thing you should do is start taking 5/10/15 minutes a day where you do absolutely NOTHING. Go outside, sit on your front porch, go to a park bench and just sit! Sit and watch your surroundings. Pay attention to the universe. Watch the trees sway in the wind. Listen to the birds chirping. Watch the ants carry food along the pavement. Stop and smell the roses! When you stop and just appreciate the present moment, you'll find a calmness come over you, an inner peace inside, a way of feeling "connected" to the universe. You are so busy doing, and when you're not doing, your busy thinking of the things you need to do, you are starting to lose yourself and control. And no matter what you do regarding your marriage, you STILL need to do this. Whether your single or married, you still need to find the balance in life. So you are not wasting time. You are still getting your life together. You are just prioritizing things different. And the first thing is making you a top priority. I dont care how busy you are, you have 15 minutes a day. You are worth 15 minutes a day.

[GraphicsGoddess]

Dgiirl... ou seem to be rather level headed. I don't agree with you on a lot, but thank you for talking to me and not telling me what I need to be doing. I appreciate it. I have no friends, so it's nice to just be able to talk out my feelings and figure out what I want, before acting on anything.

 

Can my dad hire someone? No. To get someone to do what I do would cost a fortune, and the business is brand new. We started it just after my husband and I went to counseling. I've taught my dad how to do a few of the easier tasks that needed to be done, so that has helped tremendously. I tend to have control issues, so letting go of some of this has been rather difficult for me. But it's a step, albeit a baby one.

 

I was in a relationship where I was cheated on. My 2 year relationship ended due to him cheating with a married woman. My husband had his first wife walk out on him. We've always told each other that he won't cheat on me and I won't walk out. It's like we started our relationship without getting over the pain of our last ones.

 

How do I think my life will be different if I get a divorce? I don't know. I won't lie and say it'll be fabulous, and I'll suddenly have friends, and a life, etc. It doesn't work that way. Do I know if I'll be happier? Of course not. Will I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders? This I do have a feeling would happen - because I've lived with the thoughts of divorce for about 3 years now.

 

Earlier this year, I had decided to finally talk with my husband about what was going on i my head. That I didn't feel that we were diong anything the counselor had told us, and I didn't think that either of us could actually change our habits. I was going to talk to him on the Saturday that was coming up. That Friday, he was fired from his job (His boss had been setting him up, and I kept telling him to get out of there while he could.) He was crushed. And so were my dreams of actually talking to him about what was going on. He was out of work for 3 months. He got his new job, that he LOVES, and it puts us on different schedules. Since then, he's been so happy, that I hate to ruin it by bringing this all up, but I know I don't have a choice. And now we're getting into the holiday season.

 

Finding time for myself. Right now, that is when I go work out. I say work out, but really I walk the treadmill. I have a bad back, so I can't do a full on work out. But this helps me to get away from my job, from my life, if only for about 3 minutes a couple time a week. At night, I have school work to do, but I do enjoy watching TV, so I'll go do that. My husband has decided that he doesn't like TV anymore, so he plays on his computer or plays video games. This is after our son is in bed, or when he gets home from work.

[GraphicsGoddess]

I wanted to add something that I thought of a while back, that's always stuck with me.

 

I've always done "the right thing." You know - never got into trouble. I've never done an illegal drug in my life. Always did what was expected of me.

 

It seems as thought staying where I am is "doing the right thing." But, sometimes "doing the right thing," isn't the right thing to do.