To Sep. or Not To... That is the Question

[Gunny376]

In answer to your question (and I've given it thought)

 

That's like saying, "Give me fire, and I will give you wood!"

 

A lot of things ~ indeed its been my experience that you've got to believe in something before you can see it.

 

I've personally have set a goal of reading at least one book each ~ on personal finance, and inter-relationships per year.

 

Knowledge is King. The more knowledge you have, the greater the skill set you have. Just as you made have a natural apptittude for art, your skill set increased through formal and in-formal education and experience.

That's the reason they have AA, BA, MA, and PhD's i art. Learing is a lifetime, lifelong journey.

 

To quote my 98 year old Greatgrandmother" "I've learned more in the last five years about people, about life, and about living than I did the other 93 years put together."

[Gunny376]

I wanted to add something that I thought of a while back, that's always stuck with me.

 

I've always done "the right thing." You know - never got into trouble. I've never done an illegal drug in my life. Always did what was expected of me.

 

It seems as thought staying where I am is "doing the right thing." But, sometimes "doing the right thing," isn't the right thing to do.

 

 

IOW's ~ "Doing the 'right thing' for everyone else, isn't doing the 'right thing' for me?"

 

How old are you, if I may ask?

[reddog63]

"You say that the reason the spark isn't there is my fault? Why? How do you know this for sure? How do you know what happened a year ago that could have caused some of this? Or what has happened in both of our lives? Do no infer things, just go off of what I say, please."

 

 

I also question this line of thinking. If you just do not feel it much anymore for a spouse or significant other, why can it just not be that simple. The causes may be different, such as growing apart, annoying habits, needs not getting met. These are obvious reasons of course.

 

Now all the experienced posters might be right.........but my common sense often wonders if it can be just as simple as I stated.

[dgiirl]

Dgiirl... ou seem to be rather level headed. I don't agree with you on a lot, but thank you for talking to me and not telling me what I need to be doing. I appreciate it. I have no friends, so it's nice to just be able to talk out my feelings and figure out what I want, before acting on anything.

 

I think the same of you. I dont think you are taking this decision lightly, which is good. I can see that you are taking the time to actually think before you act. In some respect, I see parts of me in you, and some parts of my exh in you. So I can relate and empathize with your current situation.

 

I know from my own past what depression is like and how it can cloud your whole perspective. I know when you're bogged down with the rat race how you start to lose perspective of what's really important in life and start to lose joy in life. For me, it took my exh leaving for me to realize that I am in complete control of my life and my happiness. And in the midst of all the heartache and pain i was going through, I started to find joy in just the smallest things. On a daily basis I would write down 10 things that I'm happy for, things that brought me joy. I found joy in painting my fingernails. I found joy watching the neighbours tiny white dog jumping in snowbanks higher than his head. I cried my head off when my neighbour came out and helped me mow my lawn. Just small little things that people take for granted made my whole day. And so I know from first hand experience that no matter how crappy life is, how miserable you are, how depressed you are, it's all still under your control. I read a quote by Abraham Lincoln, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." And this rang true for me. No matter what was going on in my life, by changing what I focused on, i could become happy or sad. By simply shifting my focus from my exh to the neighbours dog, I became happy.

 

My exh contemplated divorce for 3 years before he walked out. That made me feel completely disrespected. Like I wasnt even worth knowing how he felt. That I had no right to even try to save my own marriage. I know you've talked with your husband, which I commend you for. It takes a lot of strength to stay for a whole year trying to make things work. What I would hate to have happen is what my exh did. He made the decision completely on his own that it wasnt worth saving, so he stayed long enough, contemplating everything until the d-bomb dropped, and by then it was way too late to save. I know you've talked to your husband about this, but does he truely get it?? Sometimes the other spouse needs a huge frying pan right to the head for us to wake up and realize how serious it truely is.

 

 

 

 

How do I think my life will be different if I get a divorce? I don't know. I won't lie and say it'll be fabulous, and I'll suddenly have friends, and a life, etc. It doesn't work that way. Do I know if I'll be happier? Of course not. Will I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders? This I do have a feeling would happen - because I've lived with the thoughts of divorce for about 3 years now.

 

The reason I ask you this question is to not justify not getting a divorce. I really want to know what you are looking for in life. What is it that will bring joy back to your life, what will fulfill you, and start to work on getting that back into your life. If it's as simple as making friends, and going out once in a while having drinks at a cafe, you can have that right now. And even if you divorce, you are going to need this, you are going to need the support system.

 

See you're not that much in a different space than the rest of us. They say a lot of dumpper's do the grieiving while still IN the marriage, where as the dumpee's grieve after. But I dont think we're too different from each other. We're both unhappy and trying to get peace back into our lives. We're depressed with the current situation and need a change. What I am trying to suggest is to get all your ducks in a row. Most people go get the divorce, THEN fix their lives. What I think might be good for you is to fix your life first. Get your friends, get a new job, get some joy back into your life. And then, get a divorce if that's really what you want. You are going to need to fix your life anyways. So why not put it ahead. In the meantime, get the largest frying pan you have in your kitchen and knock some sense into your husband. If he wakes up and realizes exactly what's at stake, he might start to help you getting your life back in order, and it might be exactly what you both need to save the marriage. If not, atleast you know you have everything ready, AND you've given him a real chance to fix the marriage.

 

Finding time for myself. Right now, that is when I go work out. I say work out, but really I walk the treadmill. I have a bad back, so I can't do a full on work out. But this helps me to get away from my job, from my life, if only for about 3 minutes a couple time a week. At night, I have school work to do, but I do enjoy watching TV, so I'll go do that. My husband has decided that he doesn't like TV anymore, so he plays on his computer or plays video games. This is after our son is in bed, or when he gets home from work.

 

Well, I'm very glad to see you are walking the treadmill. However, how often do you get outside? Do you get that inner peace when walking the treadmill or are you thinking of all the stuff you have to do while exercising? How peaceful is your exercise routine?

 

I can totally relate to the tv vs computer games. I lived it. And this was a major problem in our marriage. I had no problem with him playing computer games, never nagged about it once, however, in hindsight I realized it put a HUGE wall between us. We never spent any time together, so of course we would grow apart. We both stopped fullfilling each other's emotional needs, and this is where we failed in our marriage. Divorce busting and Marriage builders both talk about emotional needs. I think it's important to read, even if it'll be put to use in your next relationship.

[reddog63]

"How do I think my life will be different if I get a divorce? I don't know. I won't lie and say it'll be fabulous, and I'll suddenly have friends, and a life, etc. It doesn't work that way. Do I know if I'll be happier? Of course not. Will I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders? This I do have a feeling would happen - because I've lived with the thoughts of divorce for about 3 years now."

 

GraphicsGoddess :

 

I can relate..........been struggling with thoughts of divorce for about the same time. So I can identify. Good luck!

[dgiirl]

The causes may be different, such as growing apart, annoying habits, needs not getting met. These are obvious reasons of course.

 

What causes these things? Why do people grow apart? Because they dont put in the effort to grow together. Why do people get annoyed by other's habits? Because they stop realizing the other person is human, they stop being compassionate and emapthizing with the other person and instead let little things annoy them. Why are needs not getting met? Because you're not putting in the effort to get each other's needs met. And what makes you think ALL of those causes wont happen again with a different person? Shoot, how many of our family members annoy the hell out of us? Do we still love them? And all of these reasons are things that can be overcome with effort. This is what makes marriage different than just a relationship. The commitment to put in the effort to work through it, otherwise why get married?

[GraphicsGoddess]

In answer to your question (and I've given it thought)

 

That's like saying, "Give me fire, and I will give you wood!"

 

A lot of things ~ indeed its been my experience that you've got to believe in something before you can see it.

 

I've personally have set a goal of reading at least one book each ~ on personal finance, and inter-relationships per year.

 

Knowledge is King. The more knowledge you have, the greater the skill set you have. Just as you made have a natural apptittude for art, your skill set increased through formal and in-formal education and experience.

That's the reason they have AA, BA, MA, and PhD's i art. Learing is a lifetime, lifelong journey.

 

To quote my 98 year old Greatgrandmother" "I've learned more in the last five years about people, about life, and about living than I did the other 93 years put together."

 

Are you refering to the religious sense? I'm agnostic. I was raised without religion. And I will say that has been rather confusing in a religious world. I do lean more towards the Buddhist side. I was once thinking about going to a local temple to study meditation. I may try to do that, since I need SOME time alone.

 

I have picked up many self-help books, but I find them to be rather condescending at times. I don't like hearing what I should and shouldn't do with my life from people who don't know who I am. With a book, you can outline everything in a perfect scenario, but then you have to interpret it to fit your needs. I find going to a counselor much more beneficial to my own needs.

 

And I am 27.

[GraphicsGoddess]

"How do I think my life will be different if I get a divorce? I don't know. I won't lie and say it'll be fabulous, and I'll suddenly have friends, and a life, etc. It doesn't work that way. Do I know if I'll be happier? Of course not. Will I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders? This I do have a feeling would happen - because I've lived with the thoughts of divorce for about 3 years now."

 

GraphicsGoddess :

 

I can relate..........been struggling with thoughts of divorce for about the same time. So I can identify. Good luck!

 

Thank you. I appreciate the sentiments. And i wish the same for you.

[Gunny376]

Are you refering to the religious sense?

 

No I was referring actually along an "inner mind" meditational sense.

 

I have picked up many self-help books, but I find them to be rather condescending at times.

 

You have to take from them what you can use ~ and leave the rest. There isn't a "one fits all" solution.

[GraphicsGoddess]

DG - Ok, I missunderstood your question.

 

What do I think will make me happy? Well, I don't know. I think peace would. To have some sort of peace in my life would help me get on the right track. Everytime I feel like I get one frying pan out of the oven, there's another one put in there just simmering away.

 

I used to like life. I wouldn't say I loved it, but I liked it. Then date rape happened, and then I met the guy I thought I loved and ended up with major surgery to fix something he caused, and was terrified I'd never have children. Had him cheat on me. Then I meet my husband and I think things are great, but I still feel like something is missing. When I got pregnant the first time, I was so relieved! I could get pregnant, and the a#$hole hadn't taken that much away from me. When I lost my baby, something died in me. I've never felt the same since. I remember everyone telling me how strong I was. How strong do you think you'd be inside if you just watched your baby being flushed down the toilet? It sounds dramatic, but it's true. If I crumbled, I felt like I'd never be a normal person again. Then I was obssessed with getting pregnant. I had to prove something. I was successful - but at what cost? My son is the greatest thing on earth, but was it the smartest idea in the world to have him right then? No.

 

Sorry - I'm rambling now. I want to be happy. I just have to figure out how.

[GraphicsGoddess]

Gunny - It's interesting that you mention that. My counselor asked me last week what my personal philosophy on life is.

 

Not a clue. I'm still stumped by the question.

[allheart]

GraphicsGoddess....I really feel the pain of your struggle with these issues and I am sorry you are going through such difficult times. I hear what you are saying...you have said that you are a mother to both your child and your husband. Therefore, it is certainly understandable why you would not want to be intimate with your (same age) child (husband). That is (as I think you said) rather gross to think about. I see situations like this all the time and it is a complex problem when you are the one taking care of everything in the household, your son, the business, school, your job, and also have the role of 'mothering' your husband. Many here have given you excellent and well-meaning advice and I sincerely hope at the end of the day you don't regret posting. If nothing else, you have heard lots of differing opinions on the subject and have perhaps learned a little something or can possibly see some things you didn't see before. You sound like a very caring, warm, and genuine person who might feel like she has "settled" for something less than she deserves in life. When we feel like we've "settled" for something, we always feel cheated and the grass always looks greener on the other side. But when you took your vows of marriage, I bet you didn't say to each other that you would "love, honor, respect, etc...UNTIL the feelings between you changed.....OR until you figured out you had "settled".....OR until you inadvertently turned into your husband's mother......OR until you tired of being supermom....OR until your husband miraculousy turned into your 'best friend' instead of your spouse, OR until a million other reasons. I bet you said the traditional vows of "until death do us part." Right? Well, I think the majority of folks here are saying, so who's dead here? Neither of you are...therefore, some might say the moral thing to do would be to keep on keeping on...with the marriage. But you are right when you say "what is popular is not always right and what is right is not always popular." Trust me, dear...no one here wants you to be miserable and unhappy. To be the best mom you can be to your son, you need to be the best YOU that YOU can be. You just have to figure out if you can be your best with his father or without him. When you decided to marry, I dare say, I doubt you felt like you were marrying your brother - - - that came later, after the 'newness' of the relationship wore off. And as you mentioned, it does sound like you both married off the rebound of other relationships that went awry. Not the best way to start a marriage, but you have hung in there this long and that shows character, integrity, and respect for each other. I would encourage you to seek the counsel of a very good therapeutic RELATIONSHIP therapist/coach. I have seen professionals who are real experts on this specific issue (relationships) that have worked near miracles and many a marriage (and family) have been revitalized, rejuvenated, refreshed, and ultimately SAVED because of their wise and skilled intervention. I really believe that having someone help guide you both through the counseling process will help you immensely in determining what it is you really want and whether or not you want to continue in this marriage. Someone else here quoted Dr. Phil and I am such a big believer in the good Doc and in his book, Relationship Rescue, he talks about turning over every single stone before throwing in the towel on a marriage. He calls it, "earning your way out" of the marriage and lists specific steps (like a checklist). If a couple marks off all the steps they have taken to save the marriage and it still isn't fixable, he says then, BY ALL MEANS....call your lawyers before the sun sets ANOTHER DAY. Life ain't no dress rehearsal...this is the real deal and the only one we get!" Have you read any of his books? It certainly couldn't hurt to pick up the one mentioned above. It has helped many of my patients with their relationships.

 

PHEW---Gosh, I could go on and on....but I will (at least) rest awhile first. lol

[cosmic10]

Hi there,

 

I am in a similar situation myself and thought I would share my story with you. I am married and have been with my partner for about 10 years, but married for 3 years. I'd say things have been rocky for a while between us. I moved to a new city since we married and do not have very many friends here. I have been extremely busy during my marriage while juggling school and work that I haven't spent a lot of time with my husband. He is a very giving and generous husband I would say I have experiend some depression and perhaps wosened as to being isolated from friends and family. We also have not been intimate in a long time. However, I do secretly fantasize as to how it would be like to be with someone else. I realize that I married to young however this is retrospect as I was not really a grown women and did not really know who I was as a person. I did post my message and received similar responses. I don't take it as a personal attack as I realize that they are sharing their experience to prevent us from making a mistake. However, at the same time you and you alone know what you are going through and how you feel. Although my outward appearance is quite happy it is quite deceiving. I do often feel sad and alone. I have not gone to a therapist but have a few months ago started taking antidepressants through doctor's description. It seemed to have helped me as I do have energy and am able to function a lot better. However, this doesn't change the root of the problem.

 

I guess one thing I should mention is about a year ago we had other strains in our marriage such as my unhappiness at work and husband got laid off. This led to us re-evaluting our life. My husband was upset with things and was questioning our marriage. We did go to counselling and I was in shock. That is when I started going through the depression.After a year I feel of struggling it hasn't gotten much better. Although I must admit I haven't seeked any further marriage counselling and I am strarting to feel more confident and happy within myself, but doesn't change the state of your marriage. I can't offer you any advice as I am in the same boat in some ways.

 

If you want to talk via this forum let me know, it would be good to talk to someone who can relate.

 

Cosmic girl

[GraphicsGoddess]

I would like to talk to you, but I can't figure out how to send a friggin' private message on here.

[dgiirl]

Unfortunately, I think pm's open up after a month or so being on LS and after having a certain amount of posts. I'm not really sure on the criteria, but that's why you are having difficulty sending pm's

[GraphicsGoddess]

Lovely.

 

Ok, I apparently can't just say Lovely, I have to have at least 10 characters. That's kind of jacked up.