Really need perspectives on bf's friend who is an ex

[kismat]

i really need some perspectives on my situation. i'll keep it simple... my boyfriend dated a girl about 8 years ago... first gf, they dated for almost a year, and they broke up because they just "grew apart" and became just friends ever since.

 

the friendship didn't bother me at first because i didn't realize how intense it was... its a tough situation for me, because i see his perspective on things, but their friendship makes me feel uncomfortable. And i don't understand why i would be feeling this way even though i don't at all doubt his feelings towards me. we have been together for about 10 months now, we were friends from before, and he has liked me for quite some time, so i know that he wouldn't want to mess this relationship up - at least thats how it feels to me.

 

anyway, this ex of his, turned friend lives far away for school right now so they don't really get to meet up, unless she came home for the holidays which hasn't happened yet. they talk, however, about once a week, and send the occasional email. She has an illness, and a while back, he had planned to go visit her... i told him i was uncomfortable with him going to visit her, especially b/c he'd have to stay at her apartment, and i felt that was disrespectful towards us, he role reversed, agreed, and then did not go.

so basically, ever since then i've felt really uncomfortable with their friendship. Him and I are actually in a long distance relationship (abt 4hrs apart) and trying to figure out a way to be together, and it made me feel uncomfortable knowing that he was willing to fly out to see her as she is even further. i took it so personally b/c i felt as though the thing that set us apart was the fact that we were willing to go the distance to see each other, yet it seemed he was willing to do the same to see her. anyway, i tried to put that behind me since in the end he agreed with me, and did not go..

 

recently, however, we were sitting together, and he opened up his email in front of me as he was setting up the computer to let me check my email... i saw an email from her in his inbox, and in the little preview screen caught a glimpse of the word "love".. so i panicked and asked him to show me the email!.. he was really upset at me for asking, but he opened it up.. and although it was a relatively friendly email between the two of them, he had signed it --> love you, mwah! ( i only read his email, and was too upset to read her response)

 

now i know that you can love your friends.. .but i felt this to be again disrespectful of our relationship, and i'm really just looking for some perspectives as to whether i'm being overly sensitive... whether its just me feeling jealous, or whether i have any right to feel this way??

 

i talked to him about it, and again he agreed that he shouldn't sign emails to her like that and that it wouldn't happen again.

 

i really love him, and i don't doubt his feelings for me.. but for some reason his friendship with her makes me so uncomfortable bc of the fact that she's an ex... even my closest girlfriends - when they're in school, don't have time to talk to me once a week, we definately make up for it when they're in town.. but when they're studying at professional school its tough to maintain such regular contact, and i'm beginning to wonder if its abnormal for them to have so much contact, or whether i'm jsut being unreasonable??

 

i really need some perspectives, as this has turned into one of our biggest areas of arguments now and i need to decide whether i'm ok with her so much in his life or not, i know i have no say in that.. which is why i am trying to decide whether i can accept it or not, as i know he also does not deserve to have me constantly being upset over it... and i really am just trying to figure out if i can accept it, or need to step away.

[FolderWife]

You seem to be handling it smartly. You know that they were friends before you were in the picture, so that's not going to change. Therefore, if you can't accept it, you need to find someone else. Smart!

 

Keep something in mind though. You are insecure. Don't take it out on him though. You have no expectations that he will change anything, correct? You also don't feel that he'd done anything wrong, correct? You are insecure. Therefore, if you are always nagging him, and arguing with him about this, you are going to lose him, BECAUSE she is going to look better than you. She isn't worried about losing him, so she can be cool about everything.

 

So he's going to see you as making him stressed and unhappy, and she makes him feel better, and next thing you know, he's dumped you to hook up with her...because you were so insecure that you made her look BETTER.

 

Now that I've said that, let me say this:

 

Your insecurities are not irrational. They are your Instincts screaming at you that something isn't right. Maybe they aren't "together" right now, but you've picked up on something going on that isn't right. Be aware that he could leave you for her.

 

But if she can take him, you don't need him!

 

Bottom line: Leave him alone about it. If you feel insecure, don't harp on him over it. He's an adult, and he can talk to whomever he wants. You are smart to consider whether or not you can stay in a relationship wherein you don't feel special.

 

YOU had it in YOUR head that him flying out to see you made your relationship special. That's why it hurt you when you learned that you weren't as special as you thought...he does this for all his friends.

 

You also made a very good point when you said that you and your friends from out of town don't talk once a week.

 

Very good point.

[catgirl1927]

Not wanting to get screwed over doesn't make you insecure. People assume that if a woman's instincts tell her something is amiss she must be a loon, and that simply isn't true.

 

Long distance relationships are really, really hard, and it's easy to let your imagination run away with you. But you know what's going on. What works for me is to sit down, breathe and really work out what exactly is bugging you. Sometimes it helps to write it down, as dorky as that sounds. If it seems to you that he's more into her than he is into you, well, as much as it hurts, there you go. Sometimes two people don't want the same thing, and staying with someone who isn't that into you will only end in heartbreak. But only you know if that's truly the case. When you're peaceful and calm, if you still have doubts, well, I trust myself more than anyone else.

[kismat]

thanks for the replies, i REALLY appreciate it, as i really seem to need help sorting through this in my head...

 

long distance is definately really really hard... and i hate having this situation on top of it to make it harder...

 

as for being insecure... i guess that could be it.. except that i don't doubt that i would be his first choice between her and I. even if she said she wanted him, i don't for a second think that he would risk losing me. my problem is that i feel it to be inappropriate to maintaining that much contact with an ex, to the point of saying love you, when he's in a relationship with me. and i know ppl can see things differently, so i'm honestly trying to take it with a grain of salt. i guess i have nothing similar in my life to compare it to, mainly because my personality is such that i really don't think i should be keeping any of my ex's around as good friends while i'm in a relationship with someone else, out of respect for him. i mean, i have ex's who are acquantainces, but no one that i would be in contact with that regularly! i guess his scenario is different because they have been good friends for a while.

 

it may be insecurity i guess.... i'm just trying to figure out whether anyone thinks i'm being completely irrational, or whether anyone has any words to help me through this decision.

 

i know he loves me... but i also think that once you've been in a relationship with someone and intimate with them, the relationship completely changes, and i think that if him and i were to break up, i wouldn't be suprised if down the road eventually maybe they'd hook up...

 

argghh... i really don't want to be the jealous type... but i don't mind any of the other girls in his life (he doesn't have many other) but the others are similar to the guys that i have in my life.. friends whom you meet up with occasionally with the whole group... she makes me uncomfortable due to the fact that its such regular contact, she was an ex.. and apparently he signs emails, love ya, mwah... and that is not how he is with any of his other friends ( i know some ppl are like that with friends, but he is not with any one else)

 

thanks for the replies thus far... i really would appreciate some more insights!!!!!!!!

[nicki]

From your first post, you say that you think you should either accept the situation or get over it.

 

There is another choice. One that includes what YOU want and he changes his behavior to make you feel better. And if he doesn't, then you leave. But at least you communicated first.

 

You say that your personality is such that you don't stay close friends with exes because they interfere with new relationships. (I agree!)

 

So, why can't you be with a guy that does that for you? You have every right to let your guy know what you want in order for him to be with YOU.

 

You can't demand, but you can politely tell him what behavior you are comfortable with (say, polite but not emotionally intimate emails a couple of a times a year, or a few phone calls, or none, whatever)

 

You can even tell him that you don't like to date guys who are close friends with their exes because you think it intereferes with the new relationship. Say you don't like to put yourself in that situation.

 

Tell him the consequences of being in that situation. (ie., it makes you feel competitive and you pull away or feel the need to have guy friends you say I love you to and potentially want to screw )

 

I'd personally flip if my boyfriend told an ex that he "loved" her at the end of a message. That kind of intimacy is reserved for me, unless she is his sister or something. Not a previous girlfriend. Saying that to her makes it seem like there are still feelings, and maybe still a chance for them.

 

Even though you wouldn't want him anymore if someone could steal him away, you still don't want to put yourselves in unhealthy situations. What a waste of time: you worrying and wondering, him feeding that insecurity with his behavior.

 

For instance, I trust my boyfriend, but I'd never stand by and let him sleep naked next to another woman. (No matter how much someone argued that I should trust him to that level.) I trust him not to put me in that kind of situation.

 

If your boyfriend could do anything to make you feel loved and secure around this situation, what would it be? Be honest. Not see her anymore? Not talk to her again? Talk to her about you all the time? Cut out the "I love you's?"

 

Sit down and talk to him. Tell him what you need from him. Keep everything in the first person. Say "I want. I feel."

 

The good news is that he didn't go visit her. He did listen to what you said. You are on the right track. Keep going until you have what you want, either from him or someone who thinks like you.

[nicki]

Oh, and long distance relationships suck.

 

I was nuts in mine. Everything made me feel insecure. I needed a lot of extra love and reassurance from my boyfriend.

 

The last thing you need to worry about is your boyfriend growing closer to another woman and further away from you.

 

You probably want to know that you and he are closer to each other than anyone else, even though there is distance in miles (but none in hearts.)

[kismat]

Oh, and long distance relationships suck.

 

I was nuts in mine. Everything made me feel insecure. I needed a lot of extra love and reassurance from my boyfriend.

 

The last thing you need to worry about is your boyfriend growing closer to another woman and further away from you.

 

You probably want to know that you and he are closer to each other than anyone else, even though there is distance in miles (but none in hearts.)

 

 

Thats EXACTLY it nicki!!!! In the long distance, i feel like i need a little bit of the extra lovin from him, and even though i realize that this is how i set it up in my mind, i always just felt that what set us apart is the fact that even through the distance we both want to maintain this relationship and see each other whenever possible, so when i see him maintaining a friendship with her so religiously, it in my head lessens what we have :S i know that could be a really unhealthy way of looking at it, but thats how it makes me feel

 

your perspective was really appreciated... i guess the only reason i didn't consider setting out to him what i need is because they've been friends for so long, and i wasn't sure if it would be too controlling of me to say something like that or even ask for something like that of him. I also feel like if i did talk to him about lessening contact, which to be honest is what i would need, i worry that he'd resent me for it...

 

hmm.. but you gave me something to think about, thanks!!

[ATrain]

Hi Kismat. I read your post and and just wanted to chime in. Listen to the others when they tell you ton "politely" talk to your BF about the situation. DO NOT YELL......even though I believe you are 100% right to feel the way you do. Talk calmly to him and explain what you need from him. Then if he continues to act the way he does you will know in your heart that you gave him a chance to fix the problem and if he didn't then you can move on if you are unhappy. I speak from experience on this and I don't want you to regret how you confronted him on this. In my last relationship I had to deal with an "ex whatever" of my GF and it sucked. I know I was within my right to be upset with the way she was with this particular guy. I yelled and got very angry and it did me no good. Now I wonder "what if" all the time. I wonder what would have happened if I calmly talked to her about it.

[kismat]

Hi Kismat. I read your post and and just wanted to chime in. Listen to the others when they tell you ton "politely" talk to your BF about the situation. DO NOT YELL......even though I believe you are 100% right to feel the way you do. Talk calmly to him and explain what you need from him. Then if he continues to act the way he does you will know in your heart that you gave him a chance to fix the problem and if he didn't then you can move on if you are unhappy. I speak from experience on this and I don't want you to regret how you confronted him on this. In my last relationship I had to deal with an "ex whatever" of my GF and it sucked. I know I was within my right to be upset with the way she was with this particular guy. I yelled and got very angry and it did me no good. Now I wonder "what if" all the time. I wonder what would have happened if I calmly talked to her about it.

 

Thanks ATrain! it sort of helps to know that someone can relate to how i'm feeling, because sometimes i'm not sure if i'm being overly crazy and sensitive!! but you're right, the last thing i want, is to get angry, make a hasty decision, and then regret it later... he really is an amazing guy.

 

what if i talk to him about it, and he agrees to tone it out a bit, and cut the phone calls down.. does that make me controlling?? b/c i also am afraid to do something like that, and then have him make me feel guilty about it later, and use it against me... plus i really don't want to be controlling, i just want to be in a mutually respectful relationship

 

for now, i've asked him for some space... which is why i'm trying to get some different perspectives to help me when i decide to sit down and talk to him... i'm a fairly rational person in general.. but with him, a lot of irrational-ness(not a word?) comes out!

[nicki]

Of course you are feeling emotional. You love him! It's emotional!

 

So, just take a little time to relax. When you feel relaxed and calm, think about what bothers you about the situation.

 

 

What behavior do you observe?

How do you interpret things?

What kind of thoughts go through your head?

How does it make you feel?

What are you afraid will happen?

What are the consequences if this continues?

 

Write down stuff. It will help you sort things out so you can better explain it to him later.

 

Then talk to him. Be sure to let him know that you trust him, but the situation makes you uncomfortable because _________. Don't be afraid you will look controlling. You won't. You will look self-aware, confident and communicative. Good stuff.

 

Just be genuine. Show your emotion. Let him know how deeply it is affecting you.

 

He will most likely offer to fix things, or at least ask, "What can I do?"

 

Remember, this is a "we" situation, not a "me" or "him" situation. Your desire and intention is to make things better for you both and to grow together.

 

Good luck. I'm sure all will go well! Hopefully, he will take you in his arms and tell you how much he loves you and wants you to be happy. And that you mean more to him than any friendship with her.

 

If he doesn't, then at least you will have more information about what kind of guy he is and if you want to be with him.

 

Big hug to you

[kismat]

Of course you are feeling emotional. You love him! It's emotional!

 

So, just take a little time to relax. When you feel relaxed and calm, think about what bothers you about the situation.

 

 

What behavior do you observe?

How do you interpret things?

What kind of thoughts go through your head?

How does it make you feel?

What are you afraid will happen?

What are the consequences if this continues?

 

Write down stuff. It will help you sort things out so you can better explain it to him later.

 

Then talk to him. Be sure to let him know that you trust him, but the situation makes you uncomfortable because _________. Don't be afraid you will look controlling. You won't. You will look self-aware, confident and communicative. Good stuff.

 

Just be genuine. Show your emotion. Let him know how deeply it is affecting you.

 

He will most likely offer to fix things, or at least ask, "What can I do?"

 

Remember, this is a "we" situation, not a "me" or "him" situation. Your desire and intention is to make things better for you both and to grow together.

 

Good luck. I'm sure all will go well! Hopefully, he will take you in his arms and tell you how much he loves you and wants you to be happy. And that you mean more to him than any friendship with her.

 

If he doesn't, then at least you will have more information about what kind of guy he is and if you want to be with him.

 

Big hug to you

 

 

 

thanks nicki, i think i really needed that!!!!!

 

i really like your take on this, b/c i had originally ruled that out thinking it might be viewed as too controlling, and i thought it was going to be as simple as to have to accept it or simply not... i mean, i've told him how i felt about it, and he said it wouldn't happen again, in that he would not use those terms again.. but he doesn't realize that to me, it is no longer that simple... so he basically knew i was still upset, and in the end i decided to ask for a little bit of space

 

i think i'm going to give myself a couple more days still.... and in the meantime will try to write some things out like you suggested!... if you're interested, i'll keep you posted!

 

any other angles would still be appreciated!!

[mental_traveller]

I wouldn't see this as a red flag. The way he signed it, is in the way that long-time friends of the opposite sex would communicate in many cases. If he had a thing for her and there was something going on behind your back, the email would contain flirting if not outright sexual comments and be much more explicit, he also would be reticent to show it to you.

 

So IMO this is pretty innocent. However, I do agree with you that it's a bit inappropriate to say "love you" to a female friend. He seems to have accepted that straight away though, which is also good.

 

Basically to me this looks like a minor problem that you slightly overreacted to, but which should now be resolved. Sounds like a slight bump rather than anything to really be worried about. Just keep an eye on their relationship for a bit, if you are nervous, and see how it goes - but don't worry too much unless more things pop up.

 

Finally, you ought to be careful that your "cure" does not become worse than the "disease". If you act too pissed off or irrational in typical female fashion, then you will just annoy him and possibly push him away. Explain calmly that you didn't like it, and as long as he agrees with that, then just say you'd much prefer if he thought about your perspective & feelings too, in his future interactions with this friend (or anyone else for that matter). Then leave it at that, and hope he follows up on his promise.

[nicki]

Good advice, MT.

 

Yes, please keep us posted, Kismat.

[kismat]

I wouldn't see this as a red flag. The way he signed it, is in the way that long-time friends of the opposite sex would communicate in many cases. If he had a thing for her and there was something going on behind your back, the email would contain flirting if not outright sexual comments and be much more explicit, he also would be reticent to show it to you.

 

So IMO this is pretty innocent. However, I do agree with you that it's a bit inappropriate to say "love you" to a female friend. He seems to have accepted that straight away though, which is also good.

 

Basically to me this looks like a minor problem that you slightly overreacted to, but which should now be resolved. Sounds like a slight bump rather than anything to really be worried about. Just keep an eye on their relationship for a bit, if you are nervous, and see how it goes - but don't worry too much unless more things pop up.

 

Finally, you ought to be careful that your "cure" does not become worse than the "disease". If you act too pissed off or irrational in typical female fashion, then you will just annoy him and possibly push him away. Explain calmly that you didn't like it, and as long as he agrees with that, then just say you'd much prefer if he thought about your perspective & feelings too, in his future interactions with this friend (or anyone else for that matter). Then leave it at that, and hope he follows up on his promise.

 

 

I think there is a good chance that i did overreact i get very irrational in the beginning lol, but now am feeling a lot more rational about it...

 

I was going to wait until after the weekend to talk to him about it.. but now i'm thinking that might be too long, bc as you said MT, i don't want my resolution of the problem to be what pushes him further away from him!

 

why does it bother me so much that he is in such regular contact with her?? do i just have to stomach this if i want to pursue this relationship??

[nicki]

Noooo, you don't have to stomach it! It can all be worked out. It's a little thing now that you want to pay attention to so it doesn't become a big deal later. That's all. It can be done. You both can move on to more fun.

 

You reacted because you were upset about what it could all mean. That's understandable. Now you can take a little time to process EXACTLY what bothers you and what you want to happen.

 

Then go talk to him. Bottom line it as much as possible. Be positive, with a can do attitude. Show your emotion, but keep your focus on your message. It's not that you should express yourself, but HOW you should express yourself. And you definitely need to able to express yourself if you want to be with him.

 

If it bothers you, it bothers you. You don't need to rationalize it. It's enough that it bothers YOU.

 

I know the little game you are playing. It's called the "Am I being reasonable?" And the answer is yes.

 

It's good to consider another's perspective to get the whole story. Just don't take it too far and compromise what you know you need.

 

In fact, you can't just "get over it." It will just get worse while you try to delude yourself that everything is great. "Getting over it" is reserved for things you can't change, like his parent's crazy penchant for plastic covered furniture.

 

My sister gave me great advice after my divorce. My boyfriend at the time was very busy, etc (and talking to exes)....I spent so much time trying to "teach" him what I wanted him to do. I really needed a lot of love and attention. Everything that bothered me seemed to be in a gray area, and he treated me wonderfully.

 

I thought I was being needy and controlling. My sister said "For whatever reason, you need what you need right now. Don't analyze. Just make sure you get what you need to feel happy and balanced, whatever that it is."

 

And she was so right!

[kismat]

thanks nicki! you're right, i think i was looking to have confirmation that i am being reasonable... :S haha

 

i just spoke to him.. he basically said he'll cut her out of his life... i'm a bad g/f =(

 

i had nothing to say back.. in my head i was thinking, "tell him he doesnt need to completely cut her out, just tone it down".. but i couldn't make myself say anything...