megnog Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 damnit i'm sorry to anyone whos getting sick of me and my thread crazy-self really quick I NEED HELP my bf joined a softball team. i would be happy, i would be supportive. but its a f*$#ing co-ed softball team. i know i'm not normal, so i don't need someone telling me i'm a crazy raging b_tch.. but i'm so upset! over and over in my mind are different scenerios of how he could meet girls there. i mean........think about it.. you get to know your team, you get to know everyone on the team, you play and you believe in your teammates. you play with them and cheer for them. and hug them when you win a game. and maybe go out for pizza afterwards . and then hey theres this party that your team is going to. and hey the cute girl on the team is talking to him all night long. and HEY i'm going to lose my mind. so what? what do i do? i'm not freaking out. i'm just troubled and don't know how to handle this.. my bf already knows that i don't like it. i've tried to hold my mouth back but instead i come up with these remarks that he HATES like when i say "oh thats a perfect place to meet someone" stuff like that.. anyway.. thanks in advance to whomever helps Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 I'd continue to try to "hold my mouth back" if I were you. Otherwise you're going to push him away even more than you have already. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 Consider joining the team yourself? At least be supportive and go to the games so you can cheer him on and be there for those celebratory drinks afterwards. Otherwise, you can't win this one. You just have to trust that YOU are the one he wants to be with. And frankly, a guy can meet girls anywhere. If he's going to stray, he doesn't need a softball team to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 Exactly. I mean does he go to an all guy school or an all male workplace? Link to post Share on other sites
Author megnog Posted September 21, 2006 Author Share Posted September 21, 2006 yeah, and hes tried to compare this to when i go to school. like "should i be upset that you go to a co-ed school?" but its different. its so different. what if i just don't want to go? what if i just don't want to watch him play with a bunch of girls in short shorts? does that mean i don't love him? i don't care about him? i just don't want to do anything but be miserable it seems. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 hey, hey, whoa. slow down, there. your imagination is running away with you, and it's far worse than the reality. you need to go and watch him play, cheer him on, see the situation for what it really is. i know you say you don't want to go because you have fears about girls in short shorts, but seriously, that generally just isn't how it is. it's just a bunch of people playing a ball game. you should go and watch, and if he wants to hang out with the team afterward, hang out with them. relax; confront your fears with reality. it'll help. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 yeah, and hes tried to compare this to when i go to school. like "should i be upset that you go to a co-ed school?" but its different. its so different. what if i just don't want to go? what if i just don't want to watch him play with a bunch of girls in short shorts? does that mean i don't love him? i don't care about him? i just don't want to do anything but be miserable it seems. Sounds like you need to take control of your thoughts. You are not a pinball that is bounced around from emotional reaction to emotional reaction, are you? I mean this is some crippling paranoia you are experiencing, and this is an issue that rests squarely on your shoulders. You can either find ways to assuage your paranoia, without ever attending to the source of your problem. Which consigns you to a lifetime of feeling unhappy, uncomfortable, and generally pushes people away. Or you can take control of yourself and do the work necessary to attend to your serious paranoid jealousy issues. If you want to be miserable, you will stay miserable. If you want to get better, fergawdsake do something about it. This means confronting your illogical thought patterns and assumptions. This may take help from a trained professional. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
arniebuteft Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 yeah, and hes tried to compare this to when i go to school. like "should i be upset that you go to a co-ed school?" but its different. its so different. No... only different in your mind. The reality is you're probably exposed to many more single, available men at school than he would be on a softball team. You're worried about girls in shorts, but he is probably not worried you'll be walking around the school grounds and see some buff dudes with their shirts off playing frisbee or hackey sack or whatever. You can bond with male friends in your classes just as well as he can bond with the female teammates he's playing with. So, the question is, how come your BF can relax and enjoy his life, including his relationship with you, but you only stress and obsess that he's going to leave you for the next woman he sees? Seriously, have you been cheated on in the past? Do you have self-esteem and body appearance issues? Where is this lack of security coming from? Is your BF flirting with his teammates, does he joke about dating his teammates? Why are you creating this drama for yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 what if i just don't want to go? what if i just don't want to watch him play with a bunch of girls in short shorts? does that mean i don't love him? i don't care about him? i just don't want to do anything but be miserable it seems. Maybe if you went to a few games, you'd realize it's not girls in short shorts prancing around trying to attract your man. And he'd know he's got a girl who's interested in supporting his game - ever complimented a guy on his fast pitch, or having great hands in catching balls, or his fast reflexes in throwing someone out, or that home run he hit in the last inning? Men love to be admired, especially for their sports prowess. And the girls on the team would know he's got a great girl who's proud of him. My SO plays softball - on a co-ed team - and has done so for the last 15 years...he's never once dated any of those girls. You know why? They're girls who like to play softball and aren't there to steal other people's boyfriends. A lot of times, they're there playing WITH their own boyfriends. I'm just saying, if you went to a few games, you'd probably feel more comfortable with the whole thing. YOu don't have to go all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 yeah, and hes tried to compare this to when i go to school. like "should i be upset that you go to a co-ed school?" but its different. its so different. what if i just don't want to go? what if i just don't want to watch him play with a bunch of girls in short shorts? does that mean i don't love him? i don't care about him? i just don't want to do anything but be miserable it seems. No, it's not different. You are acting like a jealous freak, the sort of bunny boiler that gives women a bad name, and produces films like "Fatal Attraction". Is this really who you want to be? Because that is how your boyfriend and any sane man or women is going to see you as eventually. You will become a laughing stock and drive your man into the arms of another woman if you don't shape up and get control of your absurdly excessive jealousy. I normally think counselling is overrated, but in this case I'd recommend you get it immediately (as in, call up first thing tomorrow and book an appointment), because your feelings are so far from the norm and are in danger of totally f*cking up your life. You will never have a happy relationship, let alone be comfortable married or living together with someone, whilst you feel this way. So - call up the nearest decent shrink and get your head sorted out, and pray that your bf is patient enough to say with you until you change. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 so what? what do i do? permanently lock yourself in your own house so that you don't have the chance of interacting with any other men besides your b/f Link to post Share on other sites
Author megnog Posted September 22, 2006 Author Share Posted September 22, 2006 thanks to those of you who actually tried to help. however, calling me a freak isn't exactly help. and to alpha male - do you make fun of mentally retarded people as well? i have issues, i have problems and at least i can see it and try to work on it. however, making fun of me or of the situation doesn't help anyone now does it? i don't appreciate your wit and it is not wanted. excuse me for being "weird". i don't f&cking remember a day before the age of six so who the hell knows what happened to me? my parents divorced when i was 3 so perhaps my dad cheated on my mom. perhaps my dad molested me. i don't know and you don't know and for you to judge me is messed up. i don't come on ls to get made fun of. perhaps i need a shrink. maybe i need meds to keep me sane. MAYBE i'll take a million of them and never bother you with my stories again Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 Did somebody call you a freak? Is that worse than being called a "douche?":p People WERE just trying to help you but you don't appear to want help. What should everyone say? Oh yeah, how DARE your b/f be on a team with other girls! How dare he even look or talk to any other female than you? Look, we've ALL had things in our past to make us feel insecure. REAL things..not made up things like your father molesting you...sheesh. At some point in your life, you have to grow up and not let your PAST dictate your present and your future, you know? So take responsibility NOW, like a big girl, and realize that you can't go through life being so distrustful. Now, if he gives you a REAL reason to be, then I can understand it but he hasn't. Why would he even want you there if he was up to no good? I can't understand how girls like you don't see that by being that way, you actually PUSH these guys away. And then you say "See, he was a cheater all along." And the cycle repeats itself. It's weird to me that SO many women keep getting involved with relationship after relationship where they claim the guy cheats. I've NEVER been with a guy who cheated on me. I don't think this is just luck either. Get my drift? I'll say it again: Self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't PUSH him into looking elsewhere. Stop or you will surely lose him. Oh and PLEASE don't start another "I want to DIE!" thread. We've had enough of them lately. Get a grip. Link to post Share on other sites
littlepiggy1 Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 If he was honestly looking to meet other chicks, he'd have an easier time by joining a dance class or a cooking class. Honestly, you should probably look into seeing a counselor. Perhaps your work/school has something available? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 Hi megnog, I think the responses here may sound harsh, and perhaps hearing that he will run into another girl's arms if you are so insecure is not good to hear (negative reinforcement usually is resisted) but underneath it is a single opinion that you have nothing to worry about and look at it as an excercise to help you get over your fears. I went out with an antisoacial BF for a long time, it was safe, but I never learned to interact with people, draw boundaries, speak up, or negotiate. All the makings of real social interactions. Most likely whomever yo date their will be some anxiety inducing situation, seriously, be thankful this is all it is! I went to therapy and it helps control my fears. You sound like me, I have a jealous mind too, but it cannot be controlled by asking him to refrain from his activities. Please please do this for yourself, go to the games, eat pizza with them afterwards, you'll see it is not as bad as you are catstrophizing it. Keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Author megnog Posted September 25, 2006 Author Share Posted September 25, 2006 thanks a lot guest. and touche, i didn't expect anyone to tell me that i was right. i knew i was in the wrong. i just wanted to be snapped out of it. i've tried counseling before but i ended up with a person i didn't like and i didn't want to try it again. the whole idea of telling a stranger how crazy i am makes me really uncomfortable. anyway this past weekend my bf and i were hanging out and drinking. of course alcohol makes me not bothered by anything so i told him i really do want to be on the team. he was sweet about it too saying that all the other girls suck and he really wants me to join because he think i'll be like the secret weapon .. or just better than them at least (i've played softball when i was younger). so... i think i'm going to join. or maybe start off by going to a few practices. this will give me the chance to meet the people he will be friends with soon and also let THEM know hes taken. haha. the whole "my father molested me" was most likely untrue. but my bf comes up with all these kinds of things as to why i'm so crazy. he asks me questions like "did your mom cheat on your dad? were you molested?" so i think i've become a little brain washed from him as to what happened in my past. alright so i feel better. and its weird because sometimes i go crazy and can't stand it and other times i'm how i want to be. relaxed. so blah, i don't know. but i want to go to the batting cages. i feel like i need to prove to him i can play. i'm scared that i will mess up in front of him and let the team down hopefully not. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted September 25, 2006 Share Posted September 25, 2006 You're welcome meg and what a great attitude you have now! Don't worry if you sometimes slip back into your old, bad habits. We ALL have different kinds of "bad thinking." You just have to learn to stop yourself. In time, you'll hopefully stop it completely. At least you're working on it and are aware of it, right? That's half the battle. I think it's a GREAT idea that you're joining the team. Sounds like your b/f really wants you to too. And you know if he was up to no good he wouldn't want you there at ALL right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author megnog Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 thanks touche! you are very right.. sorry for calling you a douche Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 thanks touche! you are very right.. sorry for calling you a douche It's ok, meg. I'm used to being beaten up on here! Been called a lot worse on here too. It's nice of you to apoligize though. That's more than most will do. So anyway, keep us posted on how you're doing with your b/f ok? Link to post Share on other sites
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