I need help!!!

[Josette]

OK, I am feeling STRESSED! What is wrong with me??

 

I've been going out with my bf for 6 months (I'm 30, he's 27). He's a great guy, but this weekend, I was sick of the sight of him. We've been spending the whole weekend together plus one night each week, and up until now I was comfortable with that.

 

Today, everything he said seemed to irritate me. What was affectionate seemed clingly and needy.

 

I realize that I need my space. I need time alone to re-energize. And I realize I have practically stopped seeing my friends. (Plus, my Mom is not 100%(I worry about her) and I need to take time off to see her. He wanted to come along, but I told him maybe another visit.)

 

We were sitting around on the couch, and I much rather would have been alone. I mentioned earlier that I had work I needed to do, then I said I was tired, and it took him HOURS to leave.

 

He finally left, but he was whining and trying to make me feel guilty because he didn't see enough of me this weekend.

 

As it is, I saw TOO much of him. I started feeling stressed, my stomach began to hurt because I wanted him to leave, but I did not want be mean/ rude.

 

I am feeling smothered. How do I tell him gently that I need my space??? That I like being by myself, and that I do not need to spend ALL my free time with him?

 

He's very sensitive, and I am the first serious gf he has had. Please help. I don't know what to do.

[Tony T]

If you were inclined to fall in love with him, or had already done so, you couldn't get enough of him. What's happening now could signal the beginning of the end for the relationship.

 

Then again, it may just have been this weekend...or you may, indeed, just need some space. Was it that time of month?

 

See if you feel this way again. If so, you are the captain of your ship and you can scale down your exposure to him on a weekly basis to whatever will afford you time to do the other things you wish.

 

Seeing him two nights a week and one day during the weekend seems a nice compromise. Or why does it even have to be on a set schedule at all? Why not see each other as time permits?

 

One thing for sure, if you don't talk to him and work this out very soon, it'll be over for you before you have a chance to. This does not sound like a forever thing to me.

[Josette]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Actually, even in the beginning I didn't want to spend every waking hour with him. I like him a lot, but I need my space.

 

In my previous LTR (dysfunctional), my bf was REALLY controlling (among other things) and I don't want to fall into the same pattern.

 

I guess I don't feel like he is listening to me. When I try to express myself (I have work to do, I need sleep, etc.), he gets a bit sarcastic or childish (whiny). I tell him I have work to do or am tired, and he wont leave. He tries to make me feel guilty and I try not to feel guilty.

 

It's a 40 min drive (w/o traffic)to his place, which is not all that long, but I don't sleep well at his place (his pet has the run of the place and is noisy). I've told him (in a nice way) that I can't get enough sleep at his place and can't afford to get into work late. His schedule is different- he gets into work later.

 

But the traffic is worse if he is driving from my place, so the times he comes over during the week, he stays until 2 or 3 am, and that is not enough sleep for me.

 

After these months, I am beginning to feel the strain of lack of sleep. I am irritable and can't concentrate at work on the less sleep days. He can get by on a few hours a night, but I can't. I've mentioned it, then he wonders if it's because I am older than he is. I have been like this forever, and told him everyone is not like him.

 

How do I express myself properly and let go of the guilt???

[Tony T]

If your guy doesn't understand your critical need for the proper amount of sleep, this lack of understanding has nothing to do with his age. Either he is very stupid or he lacks consideration and respect.

 

If you can't make him accept the fact that you don't sleep well at his place...and he unwilling to take steps to ensure more quiet for you...I'd say he doesn't care much about you, or he cares a lot more for himself.

[Angel]

Sounds like you don't respect him; that you treat him like a washrag. You cannot stay with a man that you don't respect-it's not good for either one of you.

OK, I am feeling STRESSED! What is wrong with me?? I've been going out with my bf for 6 months (I'm 30, he's 27). He's a great guy, but this weekend, I was sick of the sight of him. We've been spending the whole weekend together plus one night each week, and up until now I was comfortable with that. Today, everything he said seemed to irritate me. What was affectionate seemed clingly and needy.

 

I realize that I need my space. I need time alone to re-energize. And I realize I have practically stopped seeing my friends. (Plus, my Mom is not 100%(I worry about her) and I need to take time off to see her. He wanted to come along, but I told him maybe another visit.) We were sitting around on the couch, and I much rather would have been alone. I mentioned earlier that I had work I needed to do, then I said I was tired, and it took him HOURS to leave.

 

He finally left, but he was whining and trying to make me feel guilty because he didn't see enough of me this weekend. As it is, I saw TOO much of him. I started feeling stressed, my stomach began to hurt because I wanted him to leave, but I did not want be mean/ rude. I am feeling smothered. How do I tell him gently that I need my space??? That I like being by myself, and that I do not need to spend ALL my free time with him? He's very sensitive, and I am the first serious gf he has had. Please help. I don't know what to do.

[Rachel]

Next time he comes over, when it is "your" normal bedtime, announce, I'm going up to bed. Will you be watching T.V.(or doing whatever), or are you coming to bed. It's my bedtime. Good night. give him a kiss on the lips and head to bed.

 

That's all you really need to do. Also, when he comes over for the weekend. Maybe before he comes, you can say, well, I am meeting so-and-so at the gym at four, so I will be leaving my house at four. You can let yourself out when you want.

 

Take back control

[Josette]

This is great advice. Thanks so much. I will definately try this.

[velvet]

Consider that your giving him control over you. Your staying up way too late at night. Your babying him.

 

He's going to try to get away with as much as he can if you allow it.

 

This when you have to start laying down ground rules. So what if he wants to cry about it. Let him know that your on a schedual. It's that schedual that keeps you sain, in control of your life, and a happy person. Some people require 8 hours sleep at night. I know I do. If I get any less than I'm not worth anything the next day.

 

When your ready for me time/free time tell him straight out "I'm going to spend the evening relaxing at home" "taking a bubble bathe" "papmering me" sort of thing. When he starts crying "well how about I bring a movie over" Just say "Another time babe".

 

You'll feel so much better once your in control again and after you spend some time alone or with out him under your feet you can look foward to spending "an evening" again with him later. I would give it a week. Where you dont talk to him, you dont see him. It's guarenteed you will feel 100% better.

This is great advice. Thanks so much. I will definately try this.

[Josette]

Thank you for another great idea.

 

I need to take more control. Thanks.

[Josette]

Thanks everyone for your help earlier.

 

My previous irritability and tiredness is actually depression.

 

I took an online depression test and scored VERY high- I have all the symptoms. I don't know what triggered this at this time and I am searching for a therapist now.

 

Friday, my bf came over. It was good to see him, but I was also very stressed because I was feeling so yucky and not my usual self. I had mentioned earlier that week that I thought I was depressed because I was not feeling normal for a while. We talked a bit about it.

 

Sat. I was honest with him that, in my depressed state, I was not feeling up to any company. He just wanted me to cheer up and 'snap out of it'. He asked me how long this was going to last (I have no idea).

 

I was completely honest, as he asked me to be, and am hoping he understands. Now I wonder if he will think less of me or judge me for this? Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression???

[Tony T]

You have no control over what he thinks so stop concerning yourself about it. You need to concentrate yourself right now and feeling better.

 

If you get on the right medication, you should feel like a brand new person within a month. That's about how long it takes to achieve the proper blood levels of antidepressant medication. If you don't feel better in that time, you've got the wrong doctor, the wrong medication, or both.

[velvet]

He may wish that you would perk up in his presence. I dont think anyone can understand how depression feels, know matter how in depth you detail it, unless they have expierenced depression themselves.

 

A family doctor can prescribe medication for depression, easier, and faster than any therapist. I would reccomend seeing your family doctor by tomorrow morning.

 

Just as Tony said, you can feel a change in yourself within a month. I myslef have taken anti depressents a couple times. Usually within the first month I felt a difference and after I had finished a months worth of the prescription I never went back for another.

 

Once you feel well, you shouldnt have to take anymore, no matter what the doctor says. The doctor could tell you it could take months to get into your system. And perhaps for some people it could take months, but I honestly think within a month you'll be loving life.

 

Thanks everyone for your help earlier. My previous irritability and tiredness is actually depression. I took an online depression test and scored VERY high- I have all the symptoms. I don't know what triggered this at this time and I am searching for a therapist now. Friday, my bf came over. It was good to see him, but I was also very stressed because I was feeling so yucky and not my usual self. I had mentioned earlier that week that I thought I was depressed because I was not feeling normal for a while. We talked a bit about it. Sat. I was honest with him that, in my depressed state, I was not feeling up to any company. He just wanted me to cheer up and 'snap out of it'. He asked me how long this was going to last (I have no idea). I was completely honest, as he asked me to be, and am hoping he understands. Now I wonder if he will think less of me or judge me for this? Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression???