5 years together

[hotgurl]

So my BF and I are going to celebrate our 5th anniversary in Oct 7th. We are not engaged but own a house together.

 

I am actually really happy with our relationship. He has really stepped up in helping with my daughter and we almost never fight. He bought me the dishwasher I really wanted for my B-day. I has just been great.

 

And really no one thought we would ever make it to five years because of the age difference and we really are different but we do want the same thigns out of life. I guess we are an odd couple.

 

The thing is I really want to be married and he has never been that religious and doesn't seem to care either way. So after 5 years it is a real possiblity that he won't propose. Although while a little tipsy we were talking about it and I said I don't care about a ring. he said you would get married with a cigar ring. I said yes, he has already given me a sappiphire ring. I said I would be happy with that and a wedding band. Him being drunk said well I want to get you something really good but I have to wait till after Jan to pull out money.

 

That being said there is the very real possibility that marriage will never happen. and yet as much as I want to get married I am having a really hard time jusitifing a break up over it while I am so happy.

 

So LSers what would you do in my situation.

[Art_Critic]

Propose to him ...

[hotgurl]

Propose to him ...

 

I had in the past and he said he wasn't ready yet. Do you think I should get a band. and do anice dinner and get down on one knee? What if he says no?

[a4a]

Instead of getting married I would request a multitude of large expensive useful appliances.

 

Well if you force him that won't really work out will it?

 

give it time......

 

Religion is the only reason you want to be married....... no other reasons?

 

If it were me I think if I were really happy I would just live in sin but cover my ass on financial matters. Also on health decision matters.

[sumdude]

Well there are the legal advantages of marriage to consider and talk about at least.

 

Health Insurance, if one of you gets insurance from work the other can be covered on the same plan for a lot less money.

 

Car insurance rates go down.

 

If something should happen to one of you what happens to properties and assets? Most state laws can be vague unless it's explicitly stated in a will.

 

And on and on. Marriage is about so much more than the wedding and it sounds like the relationship is going well.

[hotgurl]

Instead of getting married I would request a multitude of large expensive useful appliances.

 

Well if you force him that won't really work out will it?

 

give it time......

 

Religion is the only reason you want to be married....... no other reasons?

 

If it were me I think if I were really happy I would just live in sin but cover my ass on financial matters. Also on health decision matters.

 

no there is insurance. spiritual reasons. If he dies right now all he property goes to his sister etc... Also there is the easier to explain reasons. This is my err. partner. My daughter really wants to call him dad but won't unless we're married. Plus it would be easier for him to adopt her. And family pressure.

[Woggle]

I agree with Art Critic. There is nothing wrong with a woman proposing to a man. Also marriage has nothing to do with religion no matter what the anti-gay fundies say so even if he is not religious that should not be a factor.

[Art_Critic]

I had in the past and he said he wasn't ready yet. Do you think I should get a band. and do anice dinner and get down on one knee? What if he says no?

 

It sounds to me that he might never ask you to marry him..

He is committed to you but he is also content with things the way they are.

 

You need to figure out how important being married is to you.. if it is important then you need to focus harder on that in your relationship.

 

Yes propose again and if he says no then consider drawing a line in the sand that he can see better.

 

If it is something you can live with not being married then just live your life and keep being happy.

[hotgurl]

Well there are the legal advantages of marriage to consider and talk about at least.

 

Health Insurance, if one of you gets insurance from work the other can be covered on the same plan for a lot less money.

 

Car insurance rates go down.

 

If something should happen to one of you what happens to properties and assets? Most state laws can be vague unless it's explicitly stated in a will.

 

And on and on. Marriage is about so much more than the wedding and it sounds like the relationship is going well.

 

I agree and don't really care about the wedding. I want a simple non-religious service outdoors with just family and a few close friends.

[a4a]

I had in the past and he said he wasn't ready yet. Do you think I should get a band. and do anice dinner and get down on one knee? What if he says no?

 

 

I would not propose to him..... discussions yes.

 

He is aware you want to get married, if he wants to he will certainly ask you.

 

If you corner him and ask him you may not get the answer you want, or he may feel he has to say yes even tho he does not want to get married.

 

You need to discuss this with him. At least get your financial affairs in order.

If you split who gets the house? Money from it?

 

Don't get married unless he really wants to also. Forcing it could end up biting you in the ass.

[sumdude]

no there is insurance. spiritual reasons. If he dies right now all he property goes to his sister etc... Also there is the easier to explain reasons. This is my err. partner. My daughter really wants to call him dad but won't unless we're married. Plus it would be easier for him to adopt her. And family pressure.

 

Well that's the next stage of commitment isn't it? In other words "what was yours and mine is ours from now on."

[Art_Critic]

I would not propose to him..... discussions yes.

 

He is aware you want to get married, if he wants to he will certainly ask you.

 

If you corner him and ask him you may not get the answer you want, or he may feel he has to say yes even tho he does not want to get married.

 

after reading A4's post I have to bend some and agree that he does already know and discussions are something that could be the solution..

 

If you don't get the right answer in the discussions then you need to let him know how important your needs are

[hotgurl]

I would not propose to him..... discussions yes.

 

He is aware you want to get married, if he wants to he will certainly ask you.

 

If you corner him and ask him you may not get the answer you want, or he may feel he has to say yes even tho he does not want to get married.

 

You need to discuss this with him. At least get your financial affairs in order.

If you split who gets the house? Money from it?

 

Don't get married unless he really wants to also. Forcing it could end up biting you in the ass.

 

 

Well the house is like this. He put more money into it (downpayment) but we split the mortage. I get what I put in o the house. If we split He buys my % out. Because I could never afford to buy him out and i am out the country for him anyways. If i die my % goes to my daugther. If he dies I get my %. He doesn't have a will so his % I guess would go to next of kin.

 

No I don't want to force him. He has been sending me mixed signals lately. Like saying marraige isn't all that important but than saying xxx inn would be a nice place to get married. I want to get you a nice antique ring but need to pull money out etc...

 

So the struggle for me if I really do want to be married but is it worth giving up the relationship over that issue.

[a4a]

no there is insurance. spiritual reasons. If he dies right now all he property goes to his sister etc... Also there is the easier to explain reasons. This is my err. partner. My daughter really wants to call him dad but won't unless we're married. Plus it would be easier for him to adopt her. And family pressure.

 

what? his sister? hummm

 

Sounds like he already has a ton of pressure on him to marry you.... from you, your daughter, and the family.

 

I would think if he was so committed to you ........ you would get the house and money if he died? But that is just me. Of course I am not sure who is putting what money or time into the home or savings in your case.

 

If you were a gay couple and marriage could not be any part of this and he was committed than I would say bail on his ass for signing all over to his sister. Hell in my LTR with live ins it was nearly always arranged that the would at least get something if I croaked...... life insurance or vehicle..... something..... hummmmm.

 

Maybe it is time to lay the cards on the table. Since you have a child and your future security to consider?

[sumdude]

Maybe it is time to lay the cards on the table. Since you have a child and your future security to consider?

 

Time at least to get it out in the open maybe. Soft yet steady pressure, five years is a good mark. I say that because I proposed on the 5th year anniversary of the first kiss.

 

Does he know that a big fancy wedding isn't important to you? That what you want/need is to know that he is as commited to you as you are to him and the security of of knowing no one else comes before you?

[hotgurl]

what? his sister? hummm

 

Sounds like he already has a ton of pressure on him to marry you.... from you, your daughter, and the family.

 

I would think if he was so committed to you ........ you would get the house and money if he died? But that is just me. Of course I am not sure who is putting what money or time into the home or savings in your case.

 

If you were a gay couple and marriage could not be any part of this and he was committed than I would say bail on his ass for signing all over to his sister. Hell in my LTR with live ins it was nearly always arranged that the would at least get something if I croaked...... life insurance or vehicle..... something..... hummmmm.

 

Maybe it is time to lay the cards on the table. Since you have a child and your future security to consider?

 

No he didn't sign anything over to his sister. He just doesn't have a will and I was assuming it would just go to next of kin. We need to hire a lawyer and get the crap in line. He mom is pushing him to do that.

 

the house is complicated because He had no credit and I had ****t! credit so we had trouble getting a mortgage. He had a large downpayment and his mom gifted him a large abount of money to buy the house. also she is on the mortgage because of our credit issues. But she is gifted him back x% percent of the house every year so he will own his part and her part and I own my part.

 

Now if he dies right now I have no idea what would happen.

[Art_Critic]

Now if he dies right now I have no idea what would happen.

 

Unless you have right of surviorship papers signed between the both of you then his half of the house goes to his estate and you either would be living with his family members or you will have to buy his half back from his estate

[whichwayisup]

Ask him to marry you, and either have a small wedding or elope! Then after you elope, have a party!

 

Get wills drawn up in the meantime. My hubby and I are commonlaw, legally married in the eyes of the law, but just to make sure you're coverd, definately do what AC says, talk to a Lawyer.

[hotgurl]

Ask him to marry you, and either have a small wedding or elope! Then after you elope, have a party!

 

Get wills drawn up in the meantime. My hubby and I are commonlaw, legally married in the eyes of the law, but just to make sure you're coverd, definately do what AC says, talk to a Lawyer.

 

I need to because VT does not reconize common law. Plus I just want to be able to call him my husband

 

I did suggest eloping. He has been getting a lot of pressure so I have been trying to lay off for a while. And I did say I would sign a prenup. And he did say he would adopt my daughter.

 

See mixed messages. I think he is a lot like a4a hubby. He is slow to make a decision and wants everything perfect.

[a4a]

I need to because VT does not reconize common law. Plus I just want to be able to call him my husband

 

I did suggest eloping. He has been getting a lot of pressure so I have been trying to lay off for a while. And I did say I would sign a prenup. And he did say he would adopt my daughter.

 

See mixed messages. I think he is a lot like a4a hubby. He is slow to make a decision and wants everything perfect.

 

Hell my H jumped all over me to get married......but that is because he knows how independent I am. I actually am the one who really was not interested in marriage but wanted my ass(ets) covered if we were shacked up.

 

I got a sneaking feeling that you may get what you want on your anniversary...... so shuddup until then ok?

 

Now keep in mind you will be stuck with him for the rest of his or your life....

be very careful about what you wish for...... . And once you are married there is no next step to show commitment. Are you sure you want to marry him? Will that be enough?

 

Not doggin ya..... but shoot I see so many women wanting to get married just for the feeling of getting married...... hard to put into words... but I hope you understand what I am babbling about.

[blind_otter]

I do, a4a. I'm not a big marriage proponent anyways.

 

But you really should -- apart from all the marriage stuff which I can't comment on because I just don't understand where that drive comes from -- encourage him to take care of his will. You never know what will happen, and sometimes the wrost fallout happens when a family member dies suddenly with no instructions for their surviving family.

 

I mean, everyone should take care of their will before there are serious health issues. It's just really dumb, to NOT do that. In any case it's not set in stone and you can, upon discover or serious or terminal health issues, clean everything up and make changes.

[hotgurl]

Hell my H jumped all over me to get married......but that is because he knows how independent I am. I actually am the one who really was not interested in marriage but wanted my ass(ets) covered if we were shacked up.

 

I got a sneaking feeling that you may get what you want on your anniversary...... so shuddup until then ok?

 

Now keep in mind you will be stuck with him for the rest of his or your life....

be very careful about what you wish for...... . And once you are married there is no next step to show commitment. Are you sure you want to marry him? Will that be enough?

 

Not doggin ya..... but shoot I see so many women wanting to get married just for the feeling of getting married...... hard to put into words... but I hope you understand what I am babbling about.

 

I know what you are talking about but I never wanted to get married before him.

 

Really I just want to stop shaving, giving BJ and be able to get fat.

[JackJack]

Really I just want to stop shaving, giving BJ and be able to get fat.

 

 

Please don't do that. Next thing you know you will coming on here making posts about how your hubby doesn't want you anymore or find you attractive and can't imagine why.

 

Seriously though I think its fine for a woman to ask a man to marry them. But I agree with what some others said, he already knows how you feel on the matter, so I would leave it up to him. If he doesn't, maybe a marraige wasn't meant to be. Nothing wrong with being the way you two are now.