Am i being reasonable or not?

[taubenweg]

Ok after lurking for so long, here is my story.

1. Got married 1 year after finishing university with a BA and gave a very good, well paying job to follow hubby. He had a (better paid) job in Asia. Did that for 3 and a half years, had 2 girls, saved quite a buit of money blah blah. Life was ok, although I was unhappy as I could not work (was forbidden).

 

2. Now move to Germany with hubby as he has been transferred back to head office here. With 2 small kids am now a housewife as child care situation is very difficult. Finding a job is also difficult. Hubby now earns 115000 euros a year. We have no debt.

 

3. Currently we have approximately 260 000 eúros in savings plus another 50000 promised by his parents for when we buy a house.

 

4.I think it is time to buy a house. I need this. For me this is what normal, married people with children do. He doesnt think so and says he doesnt want the bother of having a house and also he wants the independence that our savings give. In the meantime we are living in a terrace house with neighbours on each side with basically no garden 40 mins away from the city. I am sick of this.

 

5. The house issue is now driving a huge wedge between us. For me this is necessary. I want to have my own home and I see no point in paying rent for years and years. Anyway we are at the point where the marriage is simply falling apart over this issue. I mean why should I have to give up my dreams? WE can easily pay for a house now and still save. Now he says that first the marriage should get better and then he will consider buying a house. I say house first and then a better marriage.

 

Also it really pisses me off that he is the one who is that we cannot have this. I gave up my career to follow this man and now this. So am I being unreasonable?

[luvstarved]

Well I think it would depend on his definition of "better marriage". Are you guys in this for life or not? If that is not decided, then you are probably better off waiting on a house, because it would complicate a divorce if that is where you may be heading.

 

In general I would vote for better marriage then house, but there isn't much information as to what his issues are that require "better".

[Walk]

I don't think you're being unreasonable in wanting a house. There are a lot of benefits to owning a house. And maybe a feeling of having a bit more control over your environment would make you feel more secure in the relationship.

 

How did you present the subject to your husband? I know most of the men I've encountered in my life.. You have to talk to them in a logical, rational mentality, stating concrete facts and data for why it's a good purchase, a good action to take. Emotional pleas aren't very effective unless the guy feels his wants are satisfied. Which may be why he's saying the marriage has to be better for him to want to buy a house with you. He may be feeling that his wants aren't being met, so he refuses to meet yours?

 

I think you should approach this from a purely logical standpoint for a moment. Take a good look at mortgage rates, the housing market in your area, do some research and figure out if the area is increasing in value or decreasing. Find the facts and figures to support your desire to own a house, logical reasons why this is a good investment for your family, and potential earnings from this investment.

 

Take into consideration closing costs, insurance costs, any repairs that may be needed (multiply this number by 2, it's always twice as much as you think it'll be.). Then present your case to your husband as though it's a business arrangement, an opportunity for him to reap the benefits of putting his money to work for him, instead of having it sit in a low interest savings account.

 

Last thought... you sound resentful of your situation. I can understand that, and I'd feel the same way. But being upset and resentful isn't going to make your marriage any better. If both you and your husband are saying that the marriage needs work (ie: by him being more understanding of your needs, and you of his) then take the steps necessary to make it a better marriage. I really suggest that you two go to marriage counseling together. Find a better way for the both of you to comprimise to reach your goals. But he's not going to get what he wants because you don't feel you get what you want... and it leaves both of you in a stale mate. Neither budging. Unless you want to end in divorce, then I strongly advice you to do whatever it takes to get him to go to MC with you. If he won't... then go by yourself. Then take what you learn there and apply it at home.

[taubenweg]

hi thanks for your responses. the marriage was fine until the house issue came up. when we moved to germany we decided that we would buy. then he started changing his mind. we are a mixed couple so he has excuses like what if we have bad neighbours and we put all of our money ina house and we cant move, or what if we get cheated or i wont have any freedom any more. well thats all fine, but i have a big problem with that. i mean the housing market in ´germany is not very good right now. houses prices have not risen in the past 10 years or so and interst rates are low (as we could put up approx half of the cost of a house we could currently get 4.2% which is so ridicoulsly low). he knows all that and knows that it is a good decision to do so but he cannot get over this fear of committing to one. so how long am i supposed to wait for him to make up his mind.

 

thing is aprt from this issue, our marriage is ok, but it is definitely suffering because of it.