60lbs over weight, husband not attracted, and cheated.

[Guest - overweight]

Hello,

 

So yes I am overweight by A LOT. 60 lbs. I noticed 5 years ago I had gained 60 lbs over the first 3 years of our relationship. When I noticed I started dieting and failing starting a new diet failing going back to old diet failing I think I have started and stopped about 50 times in the past 5 years. I have not gained anymore weight but have not lost any either.

 

I got married last year and husband has now come out that he is not attracted to me and wants to leave me because he is not in love with me aka he is seeing someone else who happens to be my brother's wife our closest friends. Brother and his wife were having problems so they decided to divorce. My husband started talking to her just because he wanted someone to talk to. this developed into feelings and then he cheated.

 

He says he has not been attracted to me for years and it has been a constant source of frustration. We argued about it a lot over the years. I just never thought it would get to this point. I truly want to be healthy, which is why I never give up.

 

Why can't I lose weight, why do I keep failing?

 

since this has all come out I took a good look in the mirror and saw myself and was really unhappy. I tried to delude myself that I carried it well or I would get expensive hair cuts, do my makeup well and buy new clothes all the time. My whole family is FAT.

 

I have started eating healthy and exercising daily I feel commited to change because I don't want to lose another 5 years. And I can't believe I am going to lose my husband the man I care about the most because I am FAT. it is so embarrassing. I also feel bad that I denied him all those years of attraction to his wife. None of our friends are overweight I am the only girl that is overweight. My husband wants to know, why I think this time will be different?

 

any advice or people who have been through this?

[quankanne]

baldly put, you're husband is a jackass. Deciding to tell you that he's not been attracted to you for years now is cruel and inconsiderate – if there was a problem that he was aware of back then, he should have addressed it then, not wasted five years of your life. YOU did not "deny him attraction" by gaining weight, he denied it himself by being a jackass. And he further cements his jackass-ness by making cracks like "why do you think it'll be different this time" because that's a vote of no confidence.

 

someone who cares about you will encourage you to strive harder to reach your goals, whether they're health goals or other kinds of goals, not take potshots when you need their support the most.

 

if you decide to clean up your lifestyle, do it for YOU, not for someone else. Otherwise you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

[josie54]

baldly put, you're husband is a jackass. ...

 

if you decide to clean up your lifestyle, do it for YOU, not for someone else. Otherwise you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

 

Well put. I completely agree. I understand that you are hurt right now, because your husband has not treated you with the respect and sympathy that you deserve. He should treat you with encouragement and support of your efforts, not neglect and adultery.

 

His part in this is HIS problem. You need to work toward your goals for you, not to get your husband to stay. If that's his only reason for leaving, then he's simply not the man you want him to be. I know you're sad because you've lost the man you think he was, but please know--the man who has said and done these things to you is not someone on whom you should base your self-worth. You're good enough as you are.

 

Now, if you want to lose the weight for YOU (not for him), focus on your health first. Exercise to be healthy, eat to be healthy. You need to take your focus off the scale. It's wise to check in a few times a week just to measure your progress, don't become obsessed by the numbers. Don't let an off week derail your whole plan. On weeks that the numbers don't drop as you'd like, celebrate the fact that you've lived healthfully that week and you'll live longer and better as a result.

 

Second, include two to three 30- to 45-minute sessions of weight training each week (join your local YMCA or gym if you would like to be guided by a trainer, but a set of dumbbells at 2, 5, 8, 10, and 15 pounds are good enough for any beginner to work out at home.) There are strength training video tapes, exercise guides, and other resources such as ediets.com that can help you find the right exercises for you.

 

Keep in mind that strength training allows you to build muscle, which burns more calories than fat. Also, muscle weighs more than fat, so as you add muscle, you may not see a drop in your weight BUT you'll be noticing that your clothes fit more loosely as you become more toned.

 

Third, include three 30- to 45-minute cardio sessions each week. Walk, ride a bike, swim, run, rollerblade, whatever it is you enjoy.

 

Fourth, watch your calories. Keeping a food journal to keep track of what you eat (and how much) and when you eat is invaluable. You can gloss over the amount you eat when you do it unconsciously, but when you write everything down (and I do mean everything), you know exactly how much you're eating and allows you to track just how much you can eat per day and still lose weight. (Usually, that will be around 1,200 to 1,600 calories per day for women, depending on height and current weight).

 

Finally, try to watch when you're eating for hunger vs. just eating to make yourself feel better. Eating to fill an emotional need is what gets most of us in trouble. If you can replace that urge with something healthy and non-food-related (a bath, exercise, etc.), you'll win your battle.

 

Through all this, do it for your health, your self-esteem, your life. Don't do it for a husband for whom 60 pounds is enough to justify cheating. Don't you for a minute let him "blame" you for his "losing his attraction." This is not your fault.

[mental_traveller]

Your husband is a moron. Why marry someone he is not attracted to? As for yourself, why do you keep failing in your diet?

[Guest- overweight]

Thank you.

 

I do think I am blaming myself and I need to somehow get over that. Its hard when he keeps saying it is the reason though. Like I caused him to go and do what he did.

 

A good person would have stuck through this with me no matter how many times I failed right? I mean I never gave up.

 

The thing that BOGGLES my mind is one of my issues with food is self control. Apparently he has the same problem exercising self control with my sister-in-law. ick.

 

We are going to get a divorce after only 11 months of marriage but, 9 years together. Breaks my heart.

 

THANK YOU for the exercise/ calorie advice. I am doing all of that. I am starting out with just cardio everyday and plan to do as you said switch to weights and cardio in a few weeks after endurance is built up. I am writing everything down that I eat and making great choices.

 

I am not on an organized plan this time. I am on the healthy lifestyle of doing exactly what I know I should be doing. I think this is better because Failing does not mean the same thing. before it would be like on weight watchers ok if I went way over my points I saw that as a failure. There is no failure I am going to do what you said if it slows down in weight loss celebrate that I have made it that far.

[blind_otter]

 

I am not on an organized plan this time. I am on the healthy lifestyle of doing exactly what I know I should be doing. I think this is better because Failing does not mean the same thing. before it would be like on weight watchers ok if I went way over my points I saw that as a failure. There is no failure I am going to do what you said if it slows down in weight loss celebrate that I have made it that far.

 

I would recommend keeping a food journal. List everything that you take into your body, even water, or any other beverage, and make sure to include the portion size (measure if you have to).

 

Keep the food journal for a week or two, and then go back and look online to see the exact calorie amounts of the food and beverages that you take into your body and then figure out exactly how much you are taking in.

 

This is a good educational tool as well.

 

IME most people are simply not well educated about nutrition. They grow up eating certain kinds of food and never think twice about how the prepare it or how their preparation methods impact the nutritional value of the food!

 

I was lucky or unlucky enough to have to visit a nutritionist for 3 years because of a digestive disease I developed. She taught me a lot about food, so that even when I can only take in limited amounts of food, I can make sure that they have good nutritional value. I say this as I drink my morning coffee but you get the point.

[whichwayisup]

We are going to get a divorce after only 11 months of marriage but, 9 years together. Breaks my heart.

 

I am so sorry to hear this, but honestly, it's for the best! Your husband is scum! Imagine what life would be like if you two had children..How he would be treating you during your pregnancy! Makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Just know that in time, when you heal, you'll look back and be SO thankful that you don't have him in your life anymore. The fact he'd cheat on your with his own brothers wife just shows what sort of person he is as well! GRRRRRRRR!!

 

Take care of you! Hey, you know what? I bet you'll lose weight now because this man that you've been married to probably subconsciously has made you feel bad about yourself and how can someone be happy when their spouse gives no encouragement or shows love!!

 

HIS LOSS, not yours! Hang in there and keep posting!

[Guest-overweight]

ITake care of you! Hey, you know what? I bet you'll lose weight now because this man that you've been married to probably subconsciously has made you feel bad about yourself and how can someone be happy when their spouse gives no encouragement or shows love!!

QUOTE]

 

 

SO true! I have struggled with it but never intentionally meant to hurt him by failing to lose weight. Plus I felt so bad about it because oh the things he said. It got to the point where I honestly was afraid to eat anything in front of him that was not what he considered on the diet, because I felt this judgement and this disappointment from him.

 

I feel like now, I can be more successful because that is gone.

 

However, husband claims yesterday that he realizes what he is losing and what an awful mistake he has made. I am not going to lie it is confusing because I really love him and as a woman there is always a part of you that wants to help others.

However, I think that we need to seperate and work on ourselves and be better people. what a crazy rollercoaster.

 

I continue to go to the gym regularly and am doing cardio. I am eating fruit and veggies way more. and writing everything down. I did have 5 martini's on Friday night... rough night.

[Stardust06]

Is there any particular reason for the weight gain? Figure out why you've gained weight, why you feel you need to lose the weight for HIM (not yourself) and what might be the reason you are building a barrier around you.

 

Honestly - alot of people gain weight to keep others at a distance. A good husband would love you regardless and not use your weight as an excuse to cheat on you or threaten to leave you.....

 

Go deep inside yourself and find out what caused the weight gain to begin with. The only way you will be able to lose it is if you do it for yourself (not other people).

 

Good luck to you.

[GreenEyedLady]

ITake care of you! Hey, you know what? I bet you'll lose weight now because this man that you've been married to probably subconsciously has made you feel bad about yourself and how can someone be happy when their spouse gives no encouragement or shows love!!

QUOTE]

 

 

SO true! I have struggled with it but never intentionally meant to hurt him by failing to lose weight. Plus I felt so bad about it because oh the things he said. It got to the point where I honestly was afraid to eat anything in front of him that was not what he considered on the diet, because I felt this judgement and this disappointment from him.

 

I feel like now, I can be more successful because that is gone.

 

However, husband claims yesterday that he realizes what he is losing and what an awful mistake he has made. I am not going to lie it is confusing because I really love him and as a woman there is always a part of you that wants to help others.

However, I think that we need to seperate and work on ourselves and be better people. what a crazy rollercoaster.

 

I continue to go to the gym regularly and am doing cardio. I am eating fruit and veggies way more. and writing everything down. I did have 5 martini's on Friday night... rough night.

 

FYI: If you enjoy drinking but don't want the calories Diet Coke and Malibu...

 

Think about what you are losing: a superficial a**hole who cheated on his W with his brother's W...EWWWW!

 

Good luck to you! Keep up the good work! I lost alot of weight in my D after my second child and no one now is ever the wiser because they didn't know me before...I know it's tough but it can be done...imagine your goal...if you can see it, you can achieve it...cliche I know, but it is totally true....