7 years-no ring??-long sorry

[fitgal2]

Hi. I am new to this site. I need and outsider's view. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 7 years (janurary). were are both 26. We met in University. We broke up for 2 weeks (4 years ago) because he was being a jerk and I wan't being treat the way I should have been. We got back together he did a total 180 and things have been great since. We have been through many hard times including me fighting Leukemia. I know he loves me very much and I him. We are best friends and I can't imagin my life with out him.

 

We have talked about marriage many times and even looked at rings (that was almost 3 years ago). I decided to go back to school and he decided it would be best to wait until I graduated to get engaged. Well half way through techer's college I was diagnosed with Leukemia, so all our plans went out the window. is been almost 2 years since and I have been healthy. We have now been living together for 7 months. We talked about marriage again, although its me bringing it up, he says he still plans on marrying me. I asked him why he has not propsed (twice I did this) and he states "I really don't know why"

 

I am going back to finish my teaching degree in January and have told him that I would like to be engaged before I leave. I have been asked by his why not wait until I graduate. I kindly told her that we tried that and well "I got sick, I don't want to wait anymore" (by the way this was my second bout with cancer I wasn't with him through the first time, thus the not wanting to wait). He knows my feelings on waiting. I don't understand why he has not proposed. its starting to become an issue inside me I am starting to get angry at him.

 

can anyone give some insight?

[prncssfce9]

I'm sorry to say this but it seems to me that if he hasn't proposed after 7 years he is not going to. for whatecer reason he is not ready to get married, and you pushing him is likely just making him more anxious about it. I think he has given you all he has to give and obviously it is not enough for you. It sucks but you will probably have to walk away.

 

Just remember that this is not your fault, and there is nothing wrong with you. He just doesn't have enough to give you. I am sure that he does genuienly love you, but sometimes that is is simply not enough.

 

I have recently been through something almost exactly like this (minus the cancer). I wish you luck. However things turn out

[superconductor]

He's stuck with you through thick and thin, sickness and health. Clearly, he's devoted to you. So what if he doesn't want to get married? If you are living together, you're happy, you enjoy each other's company, you're a "team," then what difference will a ceremony make?

[KittenMoon]

Some people may want to get married, but are waiting for the "right time" in their mind. I have two close friends- the girl wants to get engaged (though wait a bit for the wedding) and doesn't care about timing, etc, while the guy is hung up completely on having all the money to buy her a ring (he doesn't have it now and doesn't want to get it on credit).

 

That's it... he just wants to have all the cash for the ring. It sounds silly, but to him its a big thing.

 

Why not give him the benefit of the doubt, and wait until graduation?

[kulyok]

We broke up for 2 weeks (4 years ago) because he was being a jerk and I wan't being treat the way I should have been.

 

Does it still bother you? Do you think he is capable of doing this again?

 

Well half way through techer's college I was diagnosed with Leukemia, so all our plans went out the window.

 

So immediately after you were diagnosed with cancer, all preparation was cancelled? He did not say "I love you and I will marry you no matter what?"

 

We are best friends and I can't imagin my life with out him.

 

If you suddenly part, you cannot imagine yourself being happy for a long time? Does your happiness depend on him?

 

We have now been living together for 7 months.

 

So, he has you and life with you, without a marriage. Who initiated this step and what were the reasons?

 

 

 

 

 

I see several big moments(red flags):

 

- he treated you poorly before, and you still remember it well;

- he stopped marriage planning(looking at rings, etc) when he found out you had cancer;

- he would still live with you but won't marry you - he has all he needs, and you don't;

- your happiness depends on him being there;

- you cannot seem to find a compromise, and neither of you knows what the other one thinks of it - after _7_ years of being together.

 

The proposal issue aside, do you feel he cares about you enough? Do you feel he loves you enough? Who do you feel gives more - you or him?

 

 

I recommend you sort these questions out during individual counselling. I would say marriage(pre-marital) counselling, but from your post I gather he won't be too eager to go. So go alone, first. At some point, your therapist would ask him to come, too, and chances are he will.

 

However, I must warn you: as a result, you may realize he is not what you want, or vice versa.

[norajane]

This will be a little blunt...but have you asked him if he's afraid to marry you because he's afraid you might die? He might have fears he doesn't want to express to you about your leukemia and the possible repercussions long term, such as having kids and ending up alone.

[adnCat]

From what I've seen, moving in with someone while awaiting a proposal makes the waiting last even longer. But it's already done. Just thought I'd mention it in case the living situation changes or you are ever faced with the choice again. Not always, of course, just from what I've seen with friends.

 

Second, make sure it isn't okay for you to wait before having this issue destroy your relationship. I recently posted that this type of thing was all I ever thought about, but the same day I posted my worries, I had an epiphany of sorts. My bf and I have been together just a little longer than the you have, 8 years. But I'm okay with waiting. (Although I change my mind on this quite often.) I sometimes feel it is something that needs to be done NOW, but in reality, there is no reason to rush. I might get hit by a bus and die tomorrow, but is that really a reason to demand a ring and marriage today?

 

Read "Closing the Deal" by Richard Kirshenbaum and David Rosenberg. It's a quick read and might provide lots of insight. For instance, with my bf and I, things have been held up with him, but it's been for one good reason. One good reason is okay. But if he keeps changing his reason, than he's probably not going to commit. A lot of the chapters will not be applicable to you, but a few of the later chapters could be very valuable. Particularly "the bluff" and "cutting the line." I read it recently and found it pretty helpful and reassuring.

 

You really need to find out why he is waiting, and "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer. You also need to decide how long you are willing to wait before leaving the relationship.

 

It could be something simple, like he wants to surprise you and catch you off guard, but he can't if you keep bringing it up!

 

Good luck!

[fitgal2]

thank you all for your replies.

 

kulyok--in response to your questions: No, I don't worry that he could do that again, he has really changed and I see that everyday.I guess i shouldn't say our marriage plans went out the window entierly there is still talk of marriage etc when I was sick and after. No my happines does not depend on him, but after 7 years, parting ways will hurt for a while. Our choice to move in with eachother was made by the two of us, after going through something like cancer, we just wanted to move on, although I thought an engagment would have come soon after and there in lies my mistake I guess.

 

adnCat--We did have a talk about this a while back (when he said he "didn't know"). He also said he wanted to surprise me and that he knew what he wanted to do. So of course I don't want to keep bringing it up because I don't want to propose under "pressure". And had he been planning do it andI bring it up, I will feel that it was done out of pressure. Does that make any sense??

[Almost]

See my post from another thread, which also applies here:

 

I used to think like (superconductor), that "marriage is a piece of paper" and doesn't really mean anything.

 

Then I grew up.

 

What a deal this guy is getting by being able to be with you without any real commitment. And maybe he can get you to live with him overseas too! You take all the risk and he gets all the benefits of marriage, without actually have to make the commitment of marriage! What a deal!

 

It used to be guys couldn't get away with that. But now, women are more willing to be with guys for 5 or 10 years and then get dumped when they are 45 years old for a new girl that is 25 or 30. And if kids are involved, no big deal, everyone has kids out of wedlock these days, so it must be ok.

 

The woman is the one taking all the risk of getting pregnant and having to raise kids. They guy can always walk away and wash his hands of the situation if he wants to. Or just pay child support from long distance.

 

If you think about it, the institution of marriage, historically, has been basically for the woman and for the kids. A woman has a lot more to lose by living with a guy and having kids with a guy, without being married, than the guy does.

 

You can talk all you want about it being possible to be totally committed to each other without being married, and how that piece of paper doesn't add anything to the committment or make it any more real or more important.

 

BULL SH*T!!!

 

If that's the case, why not just get married then, since it doesn't mean anything and is no big deal. Just walk on down to the city hall and get legally married.

 

It means a hell of a lot. It means you've made a promise to yourself, your spouse, your friends and family, to the public, and to God that you are going to stay together forever. It's a hell of a lot different than just making a casual committment to each other in private without getting married.

 

If I was a girl, I wouldn't move in and live with a guy unless he got engaged to me. I certainly wouldn't move overseas without being engaged, and probably not without being married.

 

But as I guy, I would be psyched if I had a girlfriend who would be willing to stay with me without me having to make any kind of real committment to her like getting married. What a deal!

 

And,

 

Of course the promises you make to each other are what is most important. That has to be there as a prerequisite. But also making promises to the outside world and to God or whatever you believe in, also is a big deal and makes a difference.

 

Also, there is a difference in making promises to each other in private, and in making promises to each other with all your family and friends and the world as witnesses.

 

It's kind of like the difference between making a gentleman's bet with someone for no money and without shaking hands and with no witness, compared to making a real bet for $100 and shaking hands and having a witness. Only more so.

 

Granted people can get pretty easy divorces these days, but still, it means more to be married and have some legal responsibility if you get divorced, as opposed to just being able to leave someone some day with no strings attached and no responsibility, legal or otherwise.

 

Call me old fashioned, but that's the way I see it.

 

I told my sister when she was going to move in with a guy that she should get engaged first. Our parents and our grandmother felt the same way, and my sister came to me to get my opinion, hoping that I would disagree with them and tell her its ok to move in with a guy without getting engaged. On this one I had to agree with my parents and my grandmother. Actually my grandmother thought she should actually get married first but was kind of mollified by the engagement.

 

They did end up getting engaged and have now been happily married for 10 years and have two kids.

 

Of course my parents and grandmother said they would have no problem if I lived with a girl without being engaged. But that's because I'm a guy. Yes it's a double standard, but that's just the way it works.

[adnCat]

thank you all for your replies.

 

adnCat--We did have a talk about this a while back (when he said he "didn't know"). He also said he wanted to surprise me and that he knew what he wanted to do. So of course I don't want to keep bringing it up because I don't want to propose under "pressure". And had he been planning do it andI bring it up, I will feel that it was done out of pressure. Does that make any sense??

 

I know exactly what you mean. You want it to happen, but it's not, so you want to bring it up. But you don't want it to happen because you brought it up. You don't even want it to happen if you bring it up even if it was going to happen anyway. It's a little silly, but I feel the same way.

 

And, I wanted to comment on what 'almost' had to say. It's true, a lot of the situations he described can happen. But it really depends on the person in terms of what marriage means to them and whether it is only a piece of paper, et cetera... Not all guys will leave or find it easier to leave their 45 y/o partner for a 30 y/o because they are not married. Not all guys would consider leaving in the first place. Not all women are at 'risk' of having children out of wedlock, anyway, just the ones that choose to have premarital sex. Everything comes down to what it means to each individual and how they choose to live their life.

 

Anyway, I encourage you to let the issue go for while. Make sure he knows how important to you this is. He probably does not want to lose you (there's a reason he's stuck around for 7 years). If he already knows you are tired of waiting, he will get on the ball.

[lovelorcet]

This will be a little blunt...but have you asked him if he's afraid to marry you because he's afraid you might die? He might have fears he doesn't want to express to you about your leukemia and the possible repercussions long term, such as having kids and ending up alone.

 

Once again NJ hit the nail on the head... As a man this was the first thing that came to my mind. You are still pretty young and this guys does seem to care about you but I think you need to spend some time talking to him about his fears...

[fitgal2]

Thanks everyone for your replies. You have given me many things to think about.

 

In response to some of the things Almost said~~ there are aspects of "married" life that I will not allow until we are officailly married. As for having kids out of welock, that isn't a problem since my reproductive system has been wiped out from Chemo and radiation. Yes we have talked about it and he said "I know what I am getting into, and I am more than happy to adopt, but that doesn't mean that you or I should give up hope". He doesn't think marriage is just a peice of paper, it goes beyond that for him. His parents have been married 32 years, and he wants something just as strong. As for leaving me, he is the one who has stated (many many) times, that people should let their S.O move on, before the cheating begins. And he thinks that cheating is an absolute deal breaker, as do I...NO second chances after that.

 

in response to Lovelorcet and norajane~ No, I have never asked him if he is afraid I might die. I have had breakdowns where I have gotten into a mood and all I can think about is my past cancer. He sits there and listens to me. He doesn't really like to talk about it, usually says "don't worry about me", but the other day he was telling me about his conversation with a coworker. It was about our trip to Mexcio in December and how WE deserve it. My BF sated that its ME who deserves it and anything HE went through during my treatment is NOTHING compared to what I went through...and I saw his eyes tearing up, then he changed the subject, and I didn't pry into it...so I assume he is affaid...but I think I will ask him.