whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 sex really has to come from the heart and be the product of desire rather than be an obligation. There's nothing worse than mercy sex - Having sex because the other person wants it, so you go along with it to make them happy. I'd rather have NO sex if that was the case. I think that probably would hurt more than having no sex... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 There's nothing worse than mercy sex - ... this may be the prevailing female point-of-view but for most men sex is sex. we don't make any sub-classifications. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 It depends on the situation and what the problems are in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 this may be the prevailing female point-of-view but for most men sex is sex. we don't make any sub-classifications. EXACTLY! Which is why so many of us don't buy the whole "sex is different in a committed relationship" bit. Not related to this thread, but I couldn't help myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Hard2Think Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 It IS different. It's waaay better when you're in love. That doesn't mean that there isn't also a horniness factor in other situations. Hell - we'll even masturbate because we're horny - but that's a very poor substitute in the same way a one-night stand is a poor substitute for sex with someone with whom you're in love. EXACTLY! Which is why so many of us don't buy the whole "sex is different in a committed relationship" bit. Not related to this thread, but I couldn't help myself. Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 EXACTLY! Which is why so many of us don't buy the whole "sex is different in a committed relationship" bit. Not related to this thread, but I couldn't help myself. Then if that were truely the case WHY would Men ever agree to get involved in a monogamous relationship? Especially if the woman did not fullfill the Man's sexual needs? To a degree your right Sex is just Sex, but what difference does it make. What you need to realize it's important to men. It's speaks volumes to a man when the woman he marries does little or nothing to satisify his needs. It should be no surprise to that woman when her man goes outside the marriage to have his needs satisfied. She has done nothing or demostrated no love, respect, or affection towards her man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DSD1972 Posted September 22, 2006 Author Share Posted September 22, 2006 I want everyone to know when I used the word "ultimatum" I meant for her to seek some answers as to why she constantly rejects me on a sexual level. In no way would I ever want her to feel forced to have sex with me as that would certainly make me feel worse than I already do. Because my marriage basically mirrors her prior marriage in regards to sex is why I think her perception of sex is off base or at least needs to be explored. As "Blind Otter" said she was forced to re-frame her perception of sex to get past the horrific experience she was victim to. I don't believe my wife has had any sexual abuse in the past but I do know that as a rebellious young women she certainly didn't engage in sex as an expression of love. I believe that behavior then has tainted her view of sex today. I'm not a professional in this area but if I had to put my money somewhere that would be it. Every woman is different, some can easily seperate the none emotional sex they had in the early single years from what sex means in a marriage and easily know the difference. Of course, the husband must also treat sex with his wife differently than he did in his younger days when there might not have been the emotions as there is now. My wife also uses stresses in everyday life as an excuse to not be itimate. I'm quite the opposite as I feel so secure and accepted that it's almost an escape from everyday stresses for me. I see marriage almost like a hurricane. If your connected on both a emotional & itimate level you can be almost certain you can remain in the eye of the hurricane but once you start losing those connections the marriage starts heading for the eye wall and before you know it your in the outer wind band almost ready to be thrown out completely. I dearly want my marriage to be in the calm eye of the storm but I think that requires every facet of the marriage being the best it can be for each partner. I think the itimate connection is not always the same for each partner but finding that happy balance is the tough part. Since this can be such an explosive issue for most couples it's not discussed until one partner is at the breaking point. Even then we have first found confort in these forums to know we are not alone. Either way I just want some sort of acknowledgement that my need for sexual itimacy is important to her and that she will at least explore different things to see if that part of our marriage can be the best it can be. I'm not asking her to re-create the wheel but just be open about it and not be so damn defensive about it. I will compromise but once a month is not my idea of a compromise by a long shot. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 I think the ultimatum should be given. But be careful how you phrase it. It seems like this is about more than sex....like it's about her really needing to examine the way she chooses to behave with honesty and clarity-- and seeking to find the resolution so that the marriage can be mutually satisfying to both parties. So I don't think that it would be bad to give an ultimatum, but perhaps phrase it in a way that would clearly indicate that this is about both of you striving to achieve happiness in your marriage. Lots of people, when things get tough, just put their head down and keep plodding away. They never look around and realize that there may be an easier, happier path that they could walk. And they end up being unhappy and hurting those that love them -- all because they were too afraid to think about their obstacles and how to address them.... I wish you a lot of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts