Am I being unfair?

[Flicker]

My boyfriend and I live together in a city which is a four hour flight away from the city where my boyfriends little brother is boarding. His parents are from this country but are currently living overseas. My boyfriends mother recently spent 3 months here while his brother was getting settled into boarding school but is returning home soon.

My boyfriends parents want him to go and live in the city where his younger brother is boarding for the two months inbetween the end of the university year and Christmas, to "look after" the younger brother (who is 14).

My boyfriends family is very close and he would never consider not agreeing to any of his parents requests so he is preparing to head north. During this time I will be in our flat (which we normally share with others) alone. Also he will have to rent out a place to stay in the other city and will have to give up any opportunities for an internship over the break because of this arrangement.

Do you think I am being unreasonable in saying that this is an unfair and unnecessary request from his parents. His brother will be at boarding school all day and all night every week and weekend and yet he is willing to just up and leave regardless of where that might leave me.

[alphamale]

Do you think I am being unreasonable in saying that this is an unfair and unnecessary request from his parents.

yes you are being unfair. with most people family usually comes first.

[Pink Amulet]

Agreed. Family first. Especially his immediate family!

 

This guy seems like a really great person.

 

Being this willing to give up his life and help his family when in need is a really good sign of strong moral fibre.

 

Just don't blow it by being jealous or controlling in this situation, and I'm sure you will soon see this kind of unwavering dedication to you in the future.

[mental_traveller]

You can say what you like but ultimately it's his decision, and signs are he's going to go with his parents wishes. Men are either controlled by their parents, or independent, and nothing you do is likely to change their inherent nature. You just have to decide whether you are prepared to put up with that or not.

 

Personally I really don't like people being *too* close to their family. Obviously there is going to be a strong link, which I don't mind, but if someone doesn't ultimately put me first, then I'm not going to be in a relationship with them.

[britchick]

Obviously this isn't the popular view, but I'd say his parents are being unfair in expecting your boyfriend to do this. If they are so worried about their youngest son, why put him in boarding school so far away from family?

I wouldn't expect my daughter to take responsibility for my son, it was my choice to have him and I'm the parent. This touched a nerve with me because I have a close friend who is expected to plan her life around her little sister and gets a guilt trip from her parents if she doesn't, they expect her to be a second mother. Totally unfair IMHO.

[Flicker]

Thank you for your comments. I have had a further talk with my boyfriend about this and it seems that he thinks that it is a bit of an unfair request also, so we are on the same page. He will probably still go - but I feel a bit better about it now.

Also, Pink Amulet: I have been with my boyfriend for over three years. I'm not a rookie here.

[Pink Amulet]

*rolls eyes*

 

I should never have commented on a thread by someone who said every thing I said was about myself and how "hot I am".

 

My mistake.

 

*bows out*

[johan]

I think family first. Especially when it comes to immediate family.

 

But I have to say that this guy seems like a good one. Being so willing to give up his life and help his family when in need is a really good sign.

 

Just try not to act jealous or controlling in this situation, and I'm sure he will act the same way toward you when the time comes.

[Pink Amulet]

Heed Johan's advice.

 

Unlike me, he knows what he's talking about

[Island Girl]

If you are living together you are obviously serious. If you are serious then are you moving to a point where your family is you and he? Has there been a serious discussion of a future?

Extended family would then be his parents and his brother.

 

If this is the case it is an unreasonable request.

 

If not, well it would bother me and I'd dump him if he did it. Not saying you should! Just saying I always have to be number one if I am investing time, energy, and a possible future with a guy.

[pray1]

If you are living together you are obviously serious. If you are serious then are you moving to a point where your family is you and he? Has there been a serious discussion of a future?

Extended family would then be his parents and his brother.

 

If this is the case it is an unreasonable request.

 

If not, well it would bother me and I'd dump him if he did it. Not saying you should! Just saying I always have to be number one if I am investing time, energy, and a possible future with a guy.

Couldn't have said it better!

[norajane]

If you are living together you are obviously serious. If you are serious then are you moving to a point where your family is you and he? Has there been a serious discussion of a future?

Extended family would then be his parents and his brother.

 

If this is the case it is an unreasonable request.

 

If not, well it would bother me and I'd dump him if he did it. Not saying you should! Just saying I always have to be number one if I am investing time, energy, and a possible future with a guy.

 

If she is living with her bf and they are serious, she ought to consider this child as part of her extended family and might want to consider his welfare as well as her own.

 

He's a 14 year old boy at boarding school far from home and family. It's probably going to be a big change for this kid, and he's probably going to feel very much alone and lonely there at first.

 

Flicker, can't you try to put yourself in this kid's shoes? He might appreciate having his big brother around for a couple months during his first year of boarding school. It's two months - what's the big deal? You can't live without seeing him that long? Fly out for a visit and meet his brother...he may be part of your family one day.

[Island Girl]

First, he is 14. Most 14 year olds don't want to be around their older brother or even their families much. They are finding out who they are away from the perceived person their family thinks they are.

 

Second, he is going to be living at the school. Not with his brother. His brother is just going to be 'near him'. There will be adults at the school as well to supervise so he will have someone looking after him.

 

Third:

 

a) If she has to stay in the flat all by herself - living alone- there is risk there. I am not saying women are weak but women living alone have to take extra precautions. He is leaving HER vulnerable.

 

b) Also paying the rent by herself which is a financial strain on her for the sake of the extended family.

 

c) He has to pay rent in the other city for somewhere to stay.

 

If they are building a life together, more than likely that includes finances. Even if the finances are split at this point they should both be saving in anticipation of what could happen with their relationship.

 

And again -- I can't stress this enough. When a couple is going forward in a commited relationship - the healthy way to look at the world is that one other person is the primary concern. Everyone else is secondary. They both have to be that way.

 

If more people got that I am convinced there wouldn't be so many divorces. In-Laws interfering by demanding too much of a person (like it may be in this case) or sticking their nose where it doesn't belong, friends coming before needs of the spouse, etc. it is all bad and leads to nothing but problems.

[Flicker]

Thanks guys. It is helpful to get other peoples perspectives.

I do think that it is a really great thing my boyfriend is willing to do. But I guess I should have mentioned that living in the city where his brother is boarding are already at least 10 aunts and uncles, two grandparents and a ridiculous number of cousins. The thing is that although my boyfriend and his brother get along with this extended family, his mother isn't always on speaking terms with them.

I think I am being quite selfish, I don't want him to go because I don't like living without him. But there are also these reasons why it just doesn't make sense to me.

I was also thinking about what Island Girl said about me and him being family. I definately think of him as my family, but as we're not married, I don't know if this is reciprocal. He (and his family) are very religious and traditional.

Basically it is not my decision to make. But I am starting to think about it more rationally now that I have heard such a wide range of views - so thanks.