Confused Posted February 27, 2002 Share Posted February 27, 2002 I have been dating my boyfriend for eleven months. Last night we were playing cards and just enjoying each others company and light conversation. I was saying that it seemed easier to me for guys to find a girlfriend after a breakup. They seem to immediately find a girl, no matter how much money they have, or what they look like etc. He said he could find a woman and be in another committed relationship in two weeks time if we broke up. I was hurt, this man says he loves and adores me. His behavior is such that he shows me that he loves me. I cried all the way home. I know it would take me a long time to get over a real love. Is this normal, or typical? Are men this callous? Does this mean that he doesn't really love me or are men generally like this? Should I dump him? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 27, 2002 Share Posted February 27, 2002 1. "Is this normal, or typical?" What he said was nothing more than speculation. He doesn't know how long it would take him to find another girlfriend or how long it would take him to get over you. He doesn't have a clue. Yes, it's much easier to find another girlfriend...or boyfriend...when you're hurting and want someone to help pull you out of your depression. There's a good chance he could find someone for a nice rebound but he would just be using her to get over you. Just because a guy runs out and gets another girlfriend right after a breakup doesn't mean he's over his ex, by any stretch of the imagination. The majority of women who come to this board have been trapped by men who used them for no other reason than to get over the hurt of a previous breakup. I don't think this is typical behavior but it isn't rare either. I think what he told you, or the fact that he told you that stuff, was very immature and uncalled for. But forgive him, he's still learning just like we all are. 2. "Are men this callous?" I wouldn't call it callous. People do what they have to to take themselves out of pain. If you fall, you put an antiseptic and a bandage on the cuts so the pain will go away sooner. I wouldn't say it's callous to want to drown out pain, although I would say it is callous to drag some unknowing victim (the new girlfriend) into the picture because most of the time she has little chance with a man who is using her for a rebound. 3. "Does this mean that he doesn't really love me or are men generally like this?" It may mean he loves you more than you will ever know. The more he may need other people and things to numb his pain, the more he probably loves you. Human behavior is a lot more complicated than you know...so don't oversimplify it. You've got his statements all wrong, I think. Any man who would say something so stupid like this is working from a place of great fear and insecurity. He's got some problems that need to be dealt with. If you look into his past, you'll likely find his heart has been broken severely and he's obviously preparing himself for the next time. He probably has a lot more deeper feelings than you realize. You're not very good with psychology. 4. "Should I dump him?" No, but you might want to help him with his problems. Maybe he's very insecure in the relationship. Ask him exactly why he said this to you. Let him know how much it hurt you and why. Tell him just how you feel in a relationship with a guy who feels he can replace you so quickly. See what his answers are. It's very likely he will still be talking from fear. Never in your lifetime will you ever know what is going on in peoples' minds or hearts, no matter how long you have known them or no matter how they answer your questions. That's why so many people are lonely, even in relationships. As you get older, life will more and more blow your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
BeenThere Posted February 27, 2002 Share Posted February 27, 2002 Oh, he's into you, alright! So much so that he's afraid you're going to end up hurting him. And I suspect telling you this bull sh*t line was his not-so-discrete way of warning you of the potential consequences...LOL Yes, there are those of us who are confident that we needn't be alone if we don't choose to be. But even throwing ourselves back out there into the dating scene doesn't immediately erase the residual pain left from a recent break-up. It's just a cover-up...a 'quick fix' to help us forget temporarily. Everyone has their own method for dealing with the emptiness left in our lives when someone who has been such an important part of it is gone. Some people will grieve the loss for months until they work through it while others chose to plunge head first back into their social lives, staying as busy as they can, filling the void with friends and other companions. But 'love' takes some time to get over, no matter which course you take. If I were you, I wouldn't misinterpret your boyfriend's off-handed comment as meaning he didn't care for you. For now it might be safer to judge him by his actions rather than his words. Some people are just good at sticking their foot in their mouths. And if ever again he says something that inadvertently hurts you, than call his bluff. Ask him to elaborate and explain *exactly* what he means. Encourage him to communicate more often, and maybe eventually he'll learn how to do it more effectively. I have been dating my boyfriend for eleven months. Last night we were playing cards and just enjoying each others company and light conversation. I was saying that it seemed easier to me for guys to find a girlfriend after a breakup. They seem to immediately find a girl, no matter how much money they have, or what they look like etc. He said he could find a woman and be in another committed relationship in two weeks time if we broke up. I was hurt, this man says he loves and adores me. His behavior is such that he shows me that he loves me. I cried all the way home. I know it would take me a long time to get over a real love. Is this normal, or typical? Are men this callous? Does this mean that he doesn't really love me or are men generally like this? Should I dump him? Link to post Share on other sites
sparkle Posted February 27, 2002 Share Posted February 27, 2002 Jeeez... If I had ended a relationship so quickly based on stupid things that my boyfriend had said, or stupid things I have said, none of them would have lasted over 1 day...max. Ignore what he said and forget he ever said it. Getting upset over a comment he makes while you two are discussing something is not a great idea. I've seen this personally ruin open and honest conversations between myself and my partner. If a person gets upset so quickly and ready to attack the other or walk out on him because of something small he mentioned, it's going to shut him up. And maybe next time he'll be afraid to discuss anything freely because of your reaction, fearing you may get upset or hurt again. You two have been together almost a year. If everything else seems to be going great, are you going to let one silly comment ruin everything?? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused Posted February 27, 2002 Share Posted February 27, 2002 Thank you all (Tony, Sparkle and Been There) for your great advice. This is a great place to get practical advice for life's problems. I think you are all going to get a special place in heaven for helping total strangers. It is a great gift. Jeeez... If I had ended a relationship so quickly based on stupid things that my boyfriend had said, or stupid things I have said, none of them would have lasted over 1 day...max. Ignore what he said and forget he ever said it. Getting upset over a comment he makes while you two are discussing something is not a great idea. I've seen this personally ruin open and honest conversations between myself and my partner. If a person gets upset so quickly and ready to attack the other or walk out on him because of something small he mentioned, it's going to shut him up. And maybe next time he'll be afraid to discuss anything freely because of your reaction, fearing you may get upset or hurt again. You two have been together almost a year. If everything else seems to be going great, are you going to let one silly comment ruin everything?? Link to post Share on other sites
sparkle Posted February 27, 2002 Share Posted February 27, 2002 I think you are all going to get a special place in heaven for helping total strangers. It is a great gift. Does that mean that the special place in heaven will have both BeenThere AND Tony there???? Doesn't sound so special anymore...and it definitely doesn't sound like heaven! I think I'd like to go the other way!!! lol j/k Link to post Share on other sites
BeenThere Posted February 27, 2002 Share Posted February 27, 2002 As stubborn, self-righteous and opinionated as we are, we'll both be up there trying to tell God how to run his business&and get kicked out on our collective butts long before we ever trade our horns in for wings. --- And the devil doesn't want the competition! Does that mean that the special place in heaven will have both BeenThere AND Tony there???? Doesn't sound so special anymore...and it definitely doesn't sound like heaven! I think I'd like to go the other way!!! lol j/k Link to post Share on other sites
arthropod98 Posted February 28, 2002 Share Posted February 28, 2002 personally, i'm wondering if he started assuming things based on your comment, then just got defensive -- us dudes are good at that! i wouldn't worry too much about it myself. I have been dating my boyfriend for eleven months. Last night we were playing cards and just enjoying each others company and light conversation. I was saying that it seemed easier to me for guys to find a girlfriend after a breakup. They seem to immediately find a girl, no matter how much money they have, or what they look like etc. He said he could find a woman and be in another committed relationship in two weeks time if we broke up. I was hurt, this man says he loves and adores me. His behavior is such that he shows me that he loves me. I cried all the way home. I know it would take me a long time to get over a real love. Is this normal, or typical? Are men this callous? Does this mean that he doesn't really love me or are men generally like this? Should I dump him? Link to post Share on other sites
velvet Posted February 28, 2002 Share Posted February 28, 2002 You need to learn not to take things so serious. You cried on the way home. I'm sorry he caused you pain. In the future I reccomend that you not take cheap talk serious again. Loosen up, because thats all it was. You also want to know if a man can just find another a g/f after a r/s. Yes, anyone can do that. And you can too. personally, i'm wondering if he started assuming things based on your comment, then just got defensive -- us dudes are good at that! i wouldn't worry too much about it myself. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted February 28, 2002 Share Posted February 28, 2002 i dont see ne reason to dump him but i think u need to work on yrself a bit ... dont take things so seriously... always check what he meant b4 getting upset... good luck... I have been dating my boyfriend for eleven months. Last night we were playing cards and just enjoying each others company and light conversation. I was saying that it seemed easier to me for guys to find a girlfriend after a breakup. They seem to immediately find a girl, no matter how much money they have, or what they look like etc. He said he could find a woman and be in another committed relationship in two weeks time if we broke up. I was hurt, this man says he loves and adores me. His behavior is such that he shows me that he loves me. I cried all the way home. I know it would take me a long time to get over a real love. Is this normal, or typical? Are men this callous? Does this mean that he doesn't really love me or are men generally like this? Should I dump him? Link to post Share on other sites
roger Posted February 28, 2002 Share Posted February 28, 2002 Hi there, I can't really add that much more than what has already been said, but it seems to me that you are both wanting to know how the other feels about one another. Believe me, communication is so important. Silly things like this build up to better more complicated things....before you know you have destroyed what was once a beautiful relationship without knowing what the hell has happened! Try not to be shy when telling him how you feel...he seems to be a sensitive guy, so you may be surprised how much he feels for you! You have nothing to worry about here. Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
witchbreed Posted February 28, 2002 Share Posted February 28, 2002 Hi Confused I guess you aptly named yourself :-) Seems to me, that you are coming again and again with some grieve or another. If I remember right you posted a couple times because he didnt stay hard and that made you feel unwanted, not loved enough, not attractive .... Now, its about some rather silly remark of him. As some others said, to go dating straight after a breakup, does not mean, one didnt love that one, but for some people thats the way they cope best with their loss. That this is abusive of the one they will date, while they are not yet over their loss is another problem, which does not concern you here. To me it seems, that you have to work on your self-esteem. Anything happens and you feel insecure about his love. Do you love and respect yourself? Because if you dont, you have a hard time believing someone else does. I would recommend counseling at this stage - for you right now - if your bf needs counseling or not I cannot say, but that might come out when you have worked on yourself. For god sake, get a grip on yourself. Learn to like yourself and you will see, that then its much easier to believe in his love. Try to see it from your bf view for once, any upset and you accuse him, directly or by being hurt, that he doesnt love you or doesnt love you enough. He must feel like walking on raw eggs all the time. Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Karlee Posted March 1, 2002 Share Posted March 1, 2002 Where does most garbage go when it is picked up? TO THE DUMP TO THE DUMP TO THE DUMP DUMP DUMP Link to post Share on other sites
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