Should I totally ignore her ?

[dreamguy]

Back again. Moai I hope you're there. If you happen to read this post... give me your two cents (everyone else's opinion is valued of course so feel free to comment!).

I unblocked her on MSN today (I know I previously said I won't do it but I thought: "what the hell... as long as I don't msg her").

To my surprpise she appeared online a minute or two after I unblocked her as if she was already there (but had me blocked). Chances that she signed in 1 minute after I did are very slim !

 

Anyway she cracked a joke and then immediately changed to a serious/sad tone. I let her vent as I didn't have much to say anyway. In my mind I was and I'm still ready to walk away... no matter what it takes and even if I get weaker at times.

 

She showed me pictures of her graduation (which I did attended of course). So while she was showing me a certain pic I said: "that's a nice one... you hold your head up high. Always do it and be proud".

She answered: "When you talk like this I still believe in you. Just tell me why you didn't do everything you could to save this relationship from falling."

 

Well I know I shouldn't have talked about the past but I couldn't resist the temptation here. I mean she was literally saying I did nothing !

So I said: "Come on... how can you say that when you know I proposed a month ago and I was ready to travel if I got a good job opportunity there (where she is now)".

 

We talked some more (basically she did most of the talking) and then I had to get going so she got a bit angry and said: "Enjoy your time with your new gf !".

I didn't answer that remark. I just said "take it easy on yourself. I'm out".

Again, she got mad and said "I am taking it easy ! Will you stop saying that ?".

I said "See you" and I signed out.

[Guest]

Dreamguy,

 

I got on this site by chance, but i read your whole story and what a struggle and confusion for love. Apparently you're a considerate guy with the sense of committment. Ok, this is what I think. I think you should let this go. Take it easy, move on with your life. There's so much more to life than this relationship: your career, family, friends, and YOU, and that wonderful person who's going to be with you someday.

 

I myself just went through the similar experience, the only things is, ok, my boyfriend is much younger than me. I'm at your age, and my boyfriend is in his early 20ith. I'm a very attractive woman, top education, successful, excellent shape, and a totally interesting company. There're always guys pursuing me wherever I go, but I chose this boy because we really connected on so many front.

 

We were only together for 6 months, but it was a very intense and lovely relationship. I did not ask for anything, but he still got anxious for just being girlfriend and boyfriend, just because he's not ready for any real relationship - he gonna to see the world. It's understandable, but at the end, he hurt me in a very cruel way. He broke up with me abruptly twice when we were all happy together. I was a wonderful girlfriend many guys can dream of, but look what happened to me. And I never brought up relationship/committment sort of thing! Now he still calls me and emails to me all the time, but I'm doing No Contact.

 

Anyway, sorry for telling my stories. But trust me, I went through the similar thing as you are going through. I was patient, understanding, accepting, at the same time playing a little game to make sure he still had freedom and space. And I always looked sexy and great. And I was his fun conversation partner, his support. All those, are just not enough, no matter what. They are at different stages, that's just how it is. Life is cruel, timing is everything.

 

Don't waste your time on this. She's off to see the world. But you have your wonderful life ahead of you too. You can achieve your bigger career goal, see the world, meet the wonderful woman who wants the same thing as you. If you don't let this go, you'll never be really open to new people.

 

I was optimistic when he did the first break up with me, and we soon were back together. But going through what I went through, I know this just isn't going to work. It seems your girlfriend has her other priorities in her life right now, it's not going to be YOU. And that's OK. You need to put yourself as priority, pursue a great life ahead of you. At our stage of life, having a lovely partner to experience life together is a wonderful thing, but this is not what someone at early 20ith wants, especially when the person is ambitious and adventurous. And that's OK.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[dreamguy]

Well guest, I wish you had a name I could call you by but for now, I'll just go with "Miss Incognito".

 

As suprising as it might seem I got an international call from my ex 2 days ago

and she said she wanted to see me. So she asked if I could travel on Christmas.

This is where I started making mistakes again !

 

I told her I would think about it and she said: "I just want to see you one more time to kiss you and make sure there is nothing between us".

So I said: "I understand ur words ... so without a kiss I can say : there is nothing between us anymore. Alright ? Now I'm leaving so good luck and be happy!"

She replied with: "I love you!"

 

I said: "I know, you love me as a friend but I already have too many friends and I don't want to be your friend".

So she said: "No not as a friend ! You don't understand... it's so complicated!"

I said: "It's always complicated. When it's simple things don't get to where they are right now. As I said, we won't talk again. Goodbye".

 

She answered: "Kiss me!"

I said: "Sure... here's a friendly kiss ;)"

She said: "And here's a kiss from a woman who dreamt of bearing your child!"

 

I signed out after that.

Now if that isn't a struggle and confusion for love then I don't know what is.

[D-Lish]

You're doing the right thing DG.

 

She just can't make up her mind...she's confused...things are complicated...blah, blah, blah. She can't make up her mind...then she's going to lose you. Bottom line.

 

I think that you are playing things properly here. How long are you expected to wait around for her to get her crap together?

 

:-)

D

[dreamguy]

Well after about 5 days of keeping her blocked on MSN I finally decided to unblock her yesterday night.

She had not showed up on MSN at all since we last spoke last Wednesday.

 

To my surprise she signed in almost 10 minutes after I unblocked her.

I was extremely tempted to message her but I didn't. I mean what was I going to say ? I said everything I wanted to say and she knows how I feel.

 

During our previous MSN chat I had also told her that she needs to be left alone and we need to be apart from each other. That it was the only way she would ever know what she really wants and how she really feels.

 

Bottom line: I did not message her. So a couple of minutes later she changed her display picture to that of a sad baby who's about to start crying. She then waited for 10 minutes and she signed out.

[luvtoto]

Lost Girl Next Door and you can still do it. Shut down all contact with you ex.

 

I took my decision after being fed up of having spent two years in a relationship with a woman who constantly changes her mind.

I mean she would tell me one thing and the next day she would say the exact opposite.

And when I ask her: "Why did you say this last night and now you're saying something else" she would answer "I just felt it last night".

I mean come on ! How can anyone switch decisions overnight without a valid given reason ?

I only see one explanation to it: She's crazy. And I told her that during our chat yesterday.

 

I also told her that she's selfish for thinking about "her" all the time when I was ready to sacrifice a lot of things in my life (like my job and my friends) just to go work and live where she traveled 3 weeks ago.

 

Right now I have no idea if she'll call again after I was cold and distant today on the phone. But if she does, I'm not answering.

Perhaps I'll answer to see what she wants when her calls succeed each other at smaller and smaller time intervals.

Ya know, you are doing the right thing, dreamguy. I see you are standing your ground with her. Very impressive. You are very strong-willed.

 

If you would allow a woman like this to have control over you, you may end up a shell-of-a-man & miserable in the end.

[dreamguy]

Do you think I should keep her blocked on MSN ? So I completely disappear from her life ?

The thing is, I still love her and I don't want her running into another man's arms just because I totally disappeared from her life and stopped contacting her.

 

I was ok all day long. In fact this was one of the best days I had since the break-up... until a few minutes ago.

This is the first time we spend 6 days in a row without talking.

 

I have realized that my temporary strength was perhaps due to the fact that I was hoping she would call.

I'm beginning to get the impression she will never call and, as such, I'm losing strength.

 

I know it's a cycle of ups and downs and right now I feel so weird. I feel like contacting her, like hearing her voice. But I won't.

 

Funny how your mind can still trick you when it knows perfectly well what's good and what's bad !

I don't want her to have control over me... don't want to end up a shell-of-a-man and miserable in the end.

 

But I still get moments of weakness so I think it's best that I go sleep before I do something stupid like sending her a text message !

[Moai]

Do you think I should keep her blocked on MSN ? So I completely disappear from her life ?

The thing is, I still love her and I don't want her running into another man's arms just because I totally disappeared from her life and stopped contacting her.

 

I would keep her blocked if seeing her log on is torturing you. And it seems like it is.

 

Of course you still love her. You haven't been apart that long. You aren't going to kill those feelings overnight, and you may not have to. But realize that those feelings are what got you to where you are now, and that only by putting them in the proper persepctive can you get where you want to go.

 

You have to accept that she could date someone else. If you begged and pleaded with her at this point, that is EXACTLY what she would do. Now, it is anyone's guess. But as unpleasnat as that thought is, remember that the chances of her finding something lasting with a new guy are very, very slim.

 

It could be that she meets this guy, and he's great, but all she can think of is you. So she emails you, you respond, and then BAM! she decides it is you and no other. Then, you'll see a thread on here about how the greatest girl in the world went back to her ex, and what can I do?, blah blah blah. Look at these forums, it happens all the time. And these women are leaving decent guys to go back with douchebags--which you are certainly not. So keep your chin up!

 

Remember, too, that all of this is her idea, not yours. You didn't doubt your relationship, she did. And don't take that as a slight on you, more aslight on your previous behavior, which is changable with a little effort on your part.

 

You don't want her back now. You have not spent enough time working on yourself to be the man she wants, and the man you want to be. If you got back together now, it'd end in a year or so and it would be WORSE for both of you.

 

I was ok all day long. In fact this was one of the best days I had since the break-up... until a few minutes ago.

This is the first time we spend 6 days in a row without talking.

 

As I told you before, when you feel like this keep in mind that it is ten times worse for her than it is for you. She has no idea what you are doing, how you are feeling, and who you are with. It is driving her crazy. She is remembering all the good times, all your good qualities, and the future you planned together. Way more than you are.

 

The thing is, when you talk to her you will absolutely kill all of that. If you tell her how you feel, that will reassure her--one way or the other. It will give her closure and increase the chances of her moving on tenfold.

 

See, you are bummed that you guys broke up but you don't have the added guilt or whatever of it being your fault--which she does. Coupled with everything she is feeling, she is thinking that she screwed it up, why woudl she do such a thing and, "how can I get him back". That is exactly what you want, right?

 

I have realized that my temporary strength was perhaps due to the fact that I was hoping she would call.

I'm beginning to get the impression she will never call and, as such, I'm losing strength.

 

You're doing fine. Do anything but contact her. If you do, you will have to start all over. Think about this feeling a lot, because if you actually contact her you are doomed to repeat it, forever.

 

I know it's a cycle of ups and downs and right now I feel so weird. I feel like contacting her, like hearing her voice. But I won't.

 

Good for you! And give yourself credit for having willpower and doing what you need to do to get yourself healthy and attractive again.

 

Funny how your mind can still trick you when it knows perfectly well what's good and what's bad !

I don't want her to have control over me... don't want to end up a shell-of-a-man and miserable in the end.

 

But I still get moments of weakness so I think it's best that I go sleep before I do something stupid like sending her a text message !

 

I read the part about her changing her MSN picture. See, she has no idea if you have her on ignore or not, but it is a safe bet that she doesn't have YOU on ignore. Pretty cool, huh? And you not talking to her is bumming her out. Good. Let it. If you call now, it would seem that you are making yourself feel better, but in reality all you will do is make HER feel better. Why do you want to make her feel better? As I said, she did this to herself. It is up to her to make hersellf feel better, namely by taking you back. That's it. Unconditional surrender, if you will.

 

Keep in mind that you are not being mean to her, and you are not playing games with her. If you talk to her, you are playing games with her. You told her that you thought it would be better to not speak to each other. So you are not. A man means what he says. All you are doing is being a man.

 

Judging by her actions you don't have too long to wait before she contacts you. Trust that. And when she does, you had better be ready. The last six days have been for YOU, not her, to punish her, or anything of the sort. They have been for you to straighten your head out. And, judging by this post, you are doing an excellent job of that. Keep it up.

 

When she calls crying and full of regret and asking for you back, if you aren't where you need to be you run a huge risk of blowing it. You need this time, so even though it hurts sometimes try to think of it as weakness leaving your body. It may hurt, but you are doing such a good thing for yourself the rewards are immeasurable. That should be worth it by itself, but you also stand a very, very good chance to get the woman you love back--and she will get the man she loved. It's a win-win!

 

Hold your head hi, bro. You are doing fine!

[dreamguy]

Well I'm sorry for letting you all down!

 

I know what people on the forum will say. That I did what I shouldn't have done.

 

Well what everyone here doesn't know is that during 2 years... I didn't treat my ex as good as I should. I wasn't always there for here when she needed me, I didn't make an effort to spend time with her and I was cold and distant when she used to express her feelings sometimes.

 

I admit it: all the advice I received on this forum is great. In fact it's the best advice one could give... but what everyone here doesn't know is that if she walked away it was because I was never there for her to begin with and my feeling of guilt was annoying me so much... much more than my heart.

You all thought I was always there when she needed me and I made her feel there was someone in her life who cared... well it's ok to admit that I didn't.

 

That is why I think this piece of info was missing and people giving me advice didn't know this.

 

This is the only reason that made me call my ex tonight. There was no answer.

 

As if calling her was not enough... I ended it by sending her a message saying: "Tried calling you. It seems you don't want to answer. Then what I have to say is not important to you anymore."

 

**Edit: I just received a text message from her. It says: "I didn't hear your call ! I'm a bit busy now".

 

To be honest, I couldn't care less if she is busy doing her hair or having dinner with another man. I called to clear my mind about something I should have said a long time ago. Believe me I am not feeling self-pity or something. When I say I didn't treat her like a bf should... I mean it. Still, perhaps her reaction will be a wake up call for me.

 

Well I know I just boosted her ego... but I don't feel worse for calling.

Let her be the one to feel all the blame.

 

I also know that by doing this I might be pushing her into the arms of another man.

While I didn't beg ... I did call and to her it might be the same thing.

To me it isn't. I called because I know for a fact that I was always selfish in the relationship... now I don't feel bad about it anymore.

I really don't feel worse for calling her.

 

**Edit: She called back after 1/2 hour and asked me what I wanted to say.

I answered: "It's not important anymore".

She said "Ok then... I thought it was"

I said "All right... I'll call you back since I want to clear my mind".

 

I called and we talked in a very relaxed manner. I told her that I was aware how tough/rude I was during the relationship and that I wasn't there for here when she needed me.

She said she didn't regret anything but she had fallen in love with an image she thought I was. When she discovered the real person she started losing her feelings because she knew she couldn't change me.

She then added: "But we should still talk and you can be certain I'll give you a call when I travel back to where you are for vacation... we'll meet and talk"

 

I told her that this was not the purpose of my call. I also said I do not want to be a friend when I had much more in the past.

But I called to let her know that I have no problem in admitting how I acted in the relationship. And this was the only purpose for my call.

I did NOT mention any of my feelings at all and I mean AT ALL. I did not promise that I will see her again and I didn't tell her that I will call her again.

 

I don't feel so bad after all and as hard as it can be to believe... I know she was lying through her teeth when she said she just stopped loving me because I was not the image she fell in love with". She is just trying to convince herself so hard that she doesn't love me because her family is nagging about it all day saying: "You can find a better man... blablabla" but deep inside she knows she still feels more than a little something.

It's not that I'm trying to prove anything to myself but time will tell. Meanwhile I'll do my best to move on with my life. The future remains uncertain !

I should go back to NC.

[D-Lish]

Listen up DG,

 

It's a huge step forward to come clean with yourself and others about how you feel you failed to contribute to the relationship. I mean that. But don't let the regret and guilt eat away at you.

 

We all have our moments, we all have our dark sides. It's called being human. People that are perfect all the time scare me...

lol.

 

I too am prone to being the greatest girlfriend...and the worst kind of bitch at times. I wasn't perfect in my relationship- in any of them for that matter. No one is. I suspect your gf wasn't always perfect either.

 

When my ex broke up with me he said the most awful revealing things to me- some were truths, some were not. But I will take the experience and learn from it and do my best not to make those same mistakes again with someone else. That's what it's all about- learning from our mistakes so we don't make them again.

 

It's easy to look back at the "what ifs?"... but that can make us crazy.

 

My ex had many short comings as well- he wasn't always the nicest, most attentive bf to me. But I loved him in spite of his dark side, I accepted his faults, and I had hoped he'd accept mine. The difference is that when we broke up, I didn't hurl hurtful insults at him, bring up everything that was "bad" about him. He blamed me for everything- even blamed his inability to communicate with me, on me. I internalized that guilt and walked around feeling horrible for quite some time. But, it's not doing me any good.... and it won't do you any good to do it either.

 

You apologized, you explained, that's great, and it's admirable. The ball's in her court now.

Don't beat yourself up. NC is probably going to be your salvation here- otherwise you're always going to be caught in the "game"... she's on line, you're on line, she's blocking you, you're blocking her.... It'll drive you mad if that continues.

 

Forgive yourself a little okay?

No one's perfect.

 

D

[Guest]

I was the guest who posted a while ago, but that's not important, just feel writing something.

 

Couldn't believe I saw my ex again. He kept calling and emailing at the end I just exhausted my energy to resist talking to him - I still like him very much. To make matters worse, I agreed to have dinner with him and we both knew we still had so much feeling for each other just by looking at our eyes when we finally met up again. We are a good couple, he's just not ready for real relationship. But I see him differently than other people. I believe his feelings for me are very real, he likes me sincerely, he just can't make up his mind to be in a real relationship. I know I know I deserve much better and there're TONS of guys who want to go out with me, but I guess we just can't control whom we like, whom we don't.

 

I think about him a lot. So now i'm working my butt off on my career so that I don't have to sit there thinking about him at my free time. Yes I already have a successful career, already very attractive. If I become more successful, richer and more intellectual as a result, then something good comes out of this.

 

Oh well well, why do we miss someone while we know this person can't give us what we deserve. And I miss him hopelessly. We still make each other laugh, have fun and intellectual discussion, emotionally close. But he just doesn't want a girlfriend.