Unsure and a little lost

[defnoops]

Hi All,

 

Have spent a bit of time over the past weeks reading various others experiences, thoughts and recommendations. It has been helpful, though I thought i'd post up my situation.

 

It's been almost 1 month since breaking up with my GF of approx 10 months. While coming previously, about 14 months earlier out of a 6 year relationship I understand 10 months is not really 'long term' but I know what i feel inside, this one has been much harder on me.

 

I know most of the reasons why she left and am not mad at her. I truely love her more than I let show. She managed to transpose her feelings and love on me in ways i've never felt, amazing is how I'd describe it. As previous relationships I always felt like I never received 'enough' of this it was new to me, extremely nice but almost confusing internally/emotionally on my part. While I did and still do felt very strongly for her I always felt guilty that I was not giving her enough in return. As things worked very quickly, I live alone she was over/staying most of the time very soon and moved in 3-4 months I feel I put up a protective shell. Here I will add it was not because of the smothered syndrome, more I guess unsure how to re-act to feelings i had not recieved nor felt before. I know what I felt/feel inside but did not show her this, most times holding back. I don't fully understand it yet myself but I know commitment fear or similar has a part. I often had thoughts to myself of things I would love to do together in the future and well i guess my insecurities stopped me relaying anything to her. I purchased a house on my own, but failed ot include her, she knew it was my house as things obviously at 7-8 months while very serious were fairly early, but I now understand from her perspective that not including her in the process would have made her feel. To be honest my internal thoughts were once in the house, fix it up for 2-3 years make some $'s both travel on some of the $'s made for a bit then settle and get a house together, more things i never showed any indication to her of.

This is the emotional withholding on my part which I now understand from her perspective, believe me she knows now how I do and have felt but all a bit too late as she has put it, and upsetting to her to hear now that I thought such and did not show it. Kicking myself over this I have been since

 

Other issues include my temper, I can fly off the handle, often over stupid things. As it was stupid things it was not directed at her but now can understand its affect on her having to see me like that. It was something she mentioned that I should get a handle on a number of times, but I would shrugg it of like a clown as things would be back and all oke dokie. I am now working on this, again too late and wish so much I'd taken steps to better myself earlier.

 

Things that also have contributed include my over smartarseness. I'm a bit of a smartarse/clown, something she found funny/likeable but got to the point were I would dwell on one point to much, ribbing over and over and really can see how this made her feel. Pull my head in......... I wish I had.

I have taken her for granted, things moving fairly quickly I settled into a comfortable/complacent attitude and became unappreciative. I really did have it too good, was treated better than ever in my life and feel horrible for no appreciating this, not using this positively but instead abusing it.

 

She is the most fun/happy person I know, I was/am always so impressed in many ways by her, I really did make her feel good for while as i did show this but the above complacency dampened this alot, she did even say at times that I didn't comment on her etc like use to ........ more words I failed to reflect on at the time properly, nor act.

 

I have been a bit neglecting, at times of financial difficulties for her I still went out but left her at home at times, not thinking a few bucks would be enough to allow her to go out and also have a good time with her friends. Stupidity on my part, now I can look back and money is nothing without happiness and so wish I had opened my wallet just a little with my heart.

 

The final straw came within the last few weeks, remember its been near 1 months since she's moved out though. She had booked in to get a tattoo, not my thing personally, but in my stupidity instead of just letting it be at this and being supportive I was a prick about it. This really did hurt her, to the point she wondered if I would still want her after. This was never the case and I've felt sick that my stupidity even let such thoughts in her head, as I've had plenty of time to think how I would feel in the reverse.

 

The breakup/move out was civil. After a big blow up, initiated by me after a jealousy fit while she was talking to a guy, shared friend, on the phone she had to think about things for a few days and decided she would be moving out. The day before we moved her stuff out together she had the tattoo done, I went along in support which did make her happy as she always thought I never would. The whole moving out process very upset for both of us, but left in a big hug and tears.

 

She asked for some time to think, so I let her contact me. 1 week later she did and we went out for a walk/eat and a movie, it was good, unfortuantely got stuck into talking about the past/mistakes/upsetting stuff again for a while but later had a good fun time, not physical, just really fun like the old days and I took her back home.

 

Since I admit I've been hung up, I've spent so very much time reflecting and have so many regrets as she is really the girl I would love to spend a lifetime with. I've tried faulting her to try and get some sort of out but only ever fall on my face here.

 

We have talked since briefly on the phone but mainly just on msn. She made it clear that things are too late, and suggested not seeing each other for a bit in order to help me get past things. While I'm obviously 'past' anything I realise where she is at, and have since talked to her via phone explaining that I understand all this and am not going to try push things further. I don't want to push her away.

 

I have spilt my heart to her like never before I my life so she really does understand how much I have now realised from her perspective and how i really do feel. This has been probably the biggest wake up call in my life, she knows this.

 

Since we've chatted now and then on MSN, most of the time i've let her initiate it, but she seems not her talkative self, I don't know if she resents me or if its still painful for her, i guess this is probably normal given the situation, ie less talkative etc. She says she is ok and theres no issue but I feel there perhaps is more to it.

 

I know she's been keeping herself busy, going out alot with friends and having a good time, something she is good at , a reason why I love her.

 

I know at this point I can only let time take its coarse. I've stopped hanging as ive been told many times by friends/family Its only going to destroy me, but I certainly have no dismissed anything. I don't think I can stop hoping to some degree, I'd love to think theres a few future some where but can't do much but give it time... don't know how much though......... and see what life brings.

 

Trying to keep my chin up.

[dreamguy]

Something caught my attention while I was reading your post.

It's when you talk about your temper. Having been an impulsive guy in the past I can tell you that NO woman likes or is attracted to a man with a short-temper.

When you "fly off the handle" as you put it, it simply shows her you do not have self-control. Self-control, my friend, is one of very rare things a woman finds attractive in a man. When you let things get to you, when you start shouting and screaming, when you become aggressive (both verbally and/or physically) over nothing, it all kills your charm.

Have you ever seen a character like James Bond shouting ? No seriously, it might be a movie but James Bond reflects the Alpha Male's character. He is always in control of himself no matter what the circumstances are.

In a word, never let her notice that something really got to you.

 

One other point I'd like to comment on is when you talk "how you wish you had opened your wallet a bit with your heart".

Generosity is another quality women find attractive in a man. Believe me, I know and I've also been there. Not that I wasn't generous but I sometimes ruined an occasion by putting some rather tight limits to my generosity. Women like a man who can provide for them, who can surprise them with gifts from time to time (not necessarily expensive ones all the time).

To them, a gift means you have been considerate enough to think of them, to take the time to think how you can make them happy. This means a lot to a woman.

 

Great thing about letting her initiate contact after she asked for some time to think.

But you did a mistake by bringing in the past when, 1 week later, you both went for a walk/eat and a movie.

The best thing to do when you're trying to rekindle an old flame is to never talk about the past. After a break-up, the past always holds too much negative vibes that are the cause of the break-up itself.

If/when you see her again, be totally different. I'm not saying you should be someone you're not. I'm just saying you should be cheerful and relaxed. Be the cool guy who attracted her in the first place. That's who she misses.

 

You should also try to hang out with your friends, keep yourself busy as much as possible.

About hope concerning the future... you know what they say: "Keep the hope but have no expectations whatsoever".

[defnoops]

Thanks for the reply,

 

You have highlighted some very good points. I must say 'finally', and unfortuantely not sooner I have come to realise these and so much more. Its frustrating in that I now don't have the opportunity to really show her what i feel and treat her the way she deserves.

 

What you said about out first contact/seeing each other after 1 week is very true, cannot believe I let discussion go back to the past, I feel this has been very detrimental since this point. She said she was missing me all week etc, but since then the little contact that has been has been far less involving.

While I had already spilled my emotions, wrong doings, etc the week before, this night I stupidly covered some new ground, I let her know of thoughts that I had and never indicated at all, durring the relationship she thought perhaps even the opposite. While this at least let her know my feelings, this did upset her alot, I think to the point of making her a bit angry I a way that I could say/feel all this now but no show it then. An I have been really honest with myself this past while, I do realise people feel things that are not really true in this instances, but 1 month later and alot of reflection and being true to myself I know I love her and want her more than anything, more than I ever admitted to myself, grrr

 

I will likely see her again at some time, we share common interests, and have some shared friends, so this will be likely anyways in the event that a more personal contact does not arise.

I understand what your saying with the past being put to bed and I so what to show her the person she feel in love with. I'm confident that I can, simply i've never been able to have as much fun or be as natural/myself with anyone ever.

The only issue here is a level of 'discomfort' as while she has told me everything is fine from her side I sense it perhaps is not. Again here I guess i could just be expecting her to appear to me the same girl as always, which given the situation is unlikely.

I'd love nothing more to simply just go out, have fun, drinks, whatever like we use to, no expectations.

 

As i said she's been keeping her self busy with friends, going out/away etc, which would be a help for her.

I've not done quite the same but am certainly not becoming a recloose. Actually I want to go out have a good time more than I am, more so friends in my life at this time are not quite as interested in such, frustrates me as then gets me thinking, who of all the people i know simply as a friend would be the most fun to go out with......... answer is always her.

 

As you said, keeping the hope but can't be expecting.

[defnoops]

Thought I'd just add a little more I missed.

 

I know where im at, sure I still love her but know that can just get along as good friends. While she's told me all is fine and has said at the start of these not matter what, she wants to be friends at this stage i'm a little unsure of what to do.

 

We are both on each others MSN list still so see coming online/offline etc. I have rarely prempted a hello, trying to leave it to her to say hi. Is this the thing to do after 1 month? I see her come online and feel like just catching up but restrain myself. Now I wonder if she is perhaps doing the same, at a point a near 2 weeks ago she suggested that she doesn't want to keep me 'hanging' hence this thought, or the filp side is really not interested. The former is a bit annoying, i've told her via phone, I hate talking about 'stuff' via msn, so impersonal, i really do understand where things are at and don't expect anything, I hope she thinks this but maybe not? If its the later then I guess its not a good sign, though maybe just more time needed.

 

Thing is theres a shared friend, bit more hers than mine i guess whom she always chatted to alot, online/phone etc. He's a decent guy, we get alone fine, but I can't help but get the feeling there is perhaps something happening. I'm likely just paranoid but can't help that not giving the occational hello is a bad thing, especially if she thinks lack of interest/care from my side, all the while talkin wif the other guy.

 

Maybe I just analyse all too much haha

 

Is it really that bad to just say 'hi', ie for me to, thing is as all of what i said above i don't want her to be thinking the wrong thing, i don't want things to be hard but i don't want to be the one that only says hi.

[dreamguy]

Well trust me, I know how you feel.

My gf recently left for another country and she once hinted that after she got there she bumped into an old acquaintance, a guy and she was so happy to feel she knows somebody there and she's not alone.

 

So I started having thoughts that were exactly like yours. I couldn't help it. I thought there was something going on between them.

Well I'll tell you what: maybe there is and maybe your ex is seeing this other guy but that's not what you should worry about.

The only person who can push her away from you is... you.

The way I see it, no matter how many guys she may date, if you act the right way (do not pursue her, do not initiate contact, and do not mention the past if she contacts you. Hell I'd even go as far as blocking her on MSN for a week or so... make her wonder what you're up to ? and if later on, when you unblock her, she asks where you were... just tell her you were busy having a good time !)

Personally, I hate playing games but that's what 90% of relationships have become today. They don't call it the dating "Arena" for nothing. It's a game of power my friend !

Oh and one last thing, take it from a guy who has been there before: You DO NOT want to be her friend. If you stick around as a friend you will only be giving her the time she needs to gradually and smoothly detach herself from you while she explores other options.

I know it's painful to end things abruptly and that's exactly why I didn't tell you to do that.

I didn't tell you to call her and say "hey ! you know what ? I can't be your friend anymore so let's cut all contact."

In fact, if you do that she'll know you still care and the reason why you're cutting all forms of contact is because it hurts you to hear her voice or see her !

Just slowly distance yourself from her and see if she comes after you.

I for one, along with many other people on this forum, can testify about stories where a person wanted to break up with their lover. But when the lover surprised them by mysteriously and firmly taking their distance, they came back running faster than a speeding bullet.

 

You know something ? I hope I'll take my own advice into consideration one day ! I know I'll be a lot happier in life

[defnoops]

Hey all, thought i'd give an update.

 

My suspicions confirmed shortly after my last post...... i guess i knew MUCH earlier, amazing how one can not "see" whats in front of em haha.

So yeah has/had hooked up with the other guy...... a semi-mate of mine hmmmm.

 

Makes ya wonder was i just paranoid and a 'dick' (as i'd been told when were together) for getting jealous with her talking for ages to this guy via msn and phone........... now im a bit less clowned in vision can pretty much see there was interest there before the end, probably a big help to the decision also. Least gives some insight into her also, makes things easier on me i guess.

 

Funny thing is their little secret they seem for some reason to be try to keep from me is so obvious haha. As i said earlier there is a group of shared friends in the mix, i'll say im going to an outing and she (well they) then pull out which to be honest suits me best, easier to have a good time if get my drift. Funny thing is she made the big point about really caring and the friends speel yet months later not the decency to simply just call and tell, nor he (whom for month or so has blocked me on MSN, i guess perhaps in guilt).

 

So yeah im over it all though i guess in a way its become a little game of when will I 'apparently' know/be told