What goes through you mind when a guy(or a lady) picks someone else over you?

[Adunaphel]

I was re-reading the "why men cheat down?" thread and it gave me the idea for this one.

 

How do you usually react when someone you are interested in (and who seemed at least a little interested in you, or perhaps was even very interested in you) picks someone of the same sex as you over you?

 

What goes through your mind?

 

So far I had a quite wide range of reactions,

going from:

 

"If he likes *her* so much, he is way too omnivorous for my tastes. I might stand even the though of being pursued by a player who sees me as "prey", but I have never been fond of animals who have a habit of searching trash for food."

 

to

 

"Oh, well, I *do* understand him. I'd be attracted to her too! Obviously he does not stand a chance with her - she is way too much more intelligent than him to be interested in him - but it surely looks like she got herself a nice new lapdog."

 

I found it most hurting/upsetting when the lady that was preferred to me reminded me of myself in some way.

 

(which made me think that if I'll ever get cheated on, I can only hope it won't be a "cheating laterally" case).

 

Sometimes I will tell myself (and to whomever will listen) : his loss. Screw him. (um...not. That was meant figuratively!)

 

And genuinely *mean* it.

Because the dude won't meet many ladies as interesting as me in his life.

(you could say I have a big ego)

 

Sometimes I won't (even if I'd love to).

And I'll feel sorry for myself because damn, how many guys as interesting as him can you meet in a lifetime?

Obviously I couldn't have really hoped to actually stand a chance. But I almost thought so for a moment.

 

It's evident that I suck at the "there is plenty of fish in the sea" line of though.

I actually *do* realize that the sea is full of fish....problem is, I am fond of Icelandic pink spotted salmon (I'm making it up), which is rare, valuable and might be soon protected by the Endangered Species Act... I just would rather not eat anything else...

 

....anyone can relate?

 

What goes through your mind in these situations?

[norajane]

Honestly, I see those as two separate things: he wasn't interested in me, and he was interested in her, but I don't look at it as he was comparing us and I fell short in some way. People are compatible or not, attracted or not, for all kinds of reasons. If someone isn't into me but is into someone else, I don't generally have bad feelings about the other girl - it just means that he and I weren't good together.

 

If he's cheating, I'd be a hell of a lot more upset, but again, it's more about him being an ass and treating me badly rather than having anything to do with her. Or to use your metaphor, I realize he's not really that prime Icelanding pink spotted salmon, but just some bottom feeder and I'm better off knowing before making him the highlight of my gourmet meal.

[magichands]

Honestly, I see those as two separate things: he wasn't interested in me, and he was interested in her, but I don't look at it as he was comparing us and I fell short in some way.

Exactly. Life sucks, sometimes.

 

It's holism, not reductionism.

People are compatible or not, attracted or not, for all kinds of reasons.

Romantic chemistry is unqualifiable. Well...scientists might not agree, but this one will elude them (or the ones foolhardy enough to take this on) for some time to come.

[fishtaco]

Yeah, that's what I try to tell myself each time... that there's no logic to attraction/chemistry/compatibility. But it is still hard on your self esteem. I try as much as possible to ignore it, and whatever negative feeling that's left over, I try to funnel it towards something positive; into improving myself. Many of my friends wonder where I get the drive to work out so hard at the gym for example... next time, I'll be the guy with the hot bod biatch! Even if my future "hot bod" doesn't end up doing anything practical, first I'm in better shape healthy-wise (although I've already reached that, what I'm doing now actually isn't all that healthy), second I'm more confident, even if it's just placebo effect. Win-win situation. So another thought that races through my head would be that I need to work harder (at these self improvement projects).

[Adunaphel]

Than you for your inputs!

 

Honestly, I see those as two separate things: he wasn't interested in me, and he was interested in her, but I don't look at it as he was comparing us and I fell short in some way. People are compatible or not, attracted or not, for all kinds of reasons.

 

Wow, can you really manage not to compare yourself to the other girl, even if the guy seemed interested in you?

Even if you knew for sure that he was actually interested in you?

(which are the situations I was specifically referring to)

 

If so, could you please tell me if this mindset is natural to you, or if you managed in some way to learn to see it in this more healthy way?

(I wonder if there's hope for me:laugh: )

 

If someone isn't into me but is into someone else, I don't generally have bad feelings about the other girl - it just means that he and I weren't good together.

 

Before looking like a total b*tch (well, I actually am one) I'd like to make it clear that I don't harbor bad feelings towards the other girl just because the guy I might be interested in is into her either!!!

 

The "other girl" to whom I referred in my first post using the word "trash" was a very pretty girl who had an habit of sleeping around, no matter whether she was single or in a relationship with someone who *did* mind being cheated on, and was also one of those women who have only male friends because they tend to backstab female ones.

 

Romantic chemistry is unqualifiable.

 

I don't know (and I have a hard time believing this) - I usually know exactly, or I have at least a good idea why, I like some guy more than someone else, or why I get romantic chemistry with some people and not with others.

I wonder what the norm is.

 

I try as much as possible to ignore it, and whatever negative feeling that's left over, I try to funnel it towards something positive; into improving myself.

 

This sounds like a really positive attitude. I should take example!

[norajane]

Wow, can you really manage not to compare yourself to the other girl, even if the guy seemed interested in you?

Even if you knew for sure that he was actually interested in you?

(which are the situations I was specifically referring to)

 

If so, could you please tell me if this mindset is natural to you, or if you managed in some way to learn to see it in this more healthy way?

(I wonder if there's hope for me:laugh: )

 

I don't know if it was natural or learned along the way - probably some combination of both. First, it comes from knowing I'm a damned good catch to begin with. I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I'm about, so I don't immediately start to think there's something wrong with me that he chose to go out with someone else. It just doesn't make me feel bad about myself. I might be disappointed, but I know it's not because I suck in some way and she's better than me. For whatever reason, the chemistry or compatibility or whatever was more compelling with the other girl.

 

It also comes from having known lots of wonderful men over the years...friends, lovers, men I've worked with, etc. I know that I can appreciate and feel chemistry for lots of different men, and I can feel that interest in them regardless of whether I'm already dating someone or not. I know I can feel the chemistry for more than one man at the same time. And I know that I might not act on my attraction at all or that I might feel more strongly about one guy over another, and it has nothing to do with them...it has everything to do with me. So, I can see how a guy would be attracted to me and someone else and that he's going to make his choice based on what's going on inside him and what's compelling to him...it's not me vs. her, it's him vs. him.

[fishtaco]

This sounds like a really positive attitude. I should take example!

 

Well, it actually doesn't make you feel very good, because you have to come face to face with whatever that's bugging you; you can't hide from it. So from a practical point of view, sure, I'm doing something to improve myself. But while doing it, I feel like crap; crappier than someone that's using the escape method. Not sure if it's mentally healthy.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I can be a competitive person. I'm actually turned on when I'm rejected. I become more interested in the guy than I'd be if he'd choosen me.

 

1. If I'm rejected, I'd think of the whys I'd lose to the other woman.

2. I'd let him make the choice again - if I deem him worthy. And if I'm rejected again, then, I'd cut him loose.

3. I don't dwell on men who reject me. I know that I can be intimidating, especially to men who are not as smart as I am.

 

Hah - see, that's how I ended up marrying the one and only man I've slept with. He's is quite a catch, too!

[magichands]

I know that I can be intimidating, especially to men who are not as smart as I am.

Modesty is such an endearing quality.

I become more interested in the guy than I'd be if he'd choosen me.

I guess the "o" key stuck.

I don't know (and I have a hard time believing this) - I usually know exactly, or I have at least a good idea why, I like some guy more than someone else, or why I get romantic chemistry with some people and not with others.

I wonder what the norm is.

Okay, I know that my sense of humour is an acquired taste. But romantic chemistry is a mystery to me. I find it very interesting that you know exactly what it is about you (and it can't just be one thing) that another finds attractive. Care to elaborate?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Modesty is such an endearing quality.

 

I guess the "o" key stuck.?

 

Well, I just had a glass of wine.... I tend to become overtly confident when I've had a drink, ok?

 

Okay, I know that my sense of humour is an acquired taste. But romantic chemistry is a mystery to me. I find it very interesting that you know exactly what it is about you (and it can't just be one thing) that another finds attractive. Care to elaborate?

 

I know that you are not asking me this question, but I have a reply. (Yes, it's the wine speaking again.) I've come to realize that it's a trick that our mind plays with us when we find ourselves convinced that we are oh-so-in-love with another person for just that one quality. In reality, there needs to be a multitude of traits that draw out that chemistry in us.

 

In most cases, I know when a guy is interested in me by the way he looks at me. It is always that same look: awe!

 

(Modesty is nonexistent when I've had a drink. Get used to it. )

[Adunaphel]

I don't know if it was natural or learned along the way - probably some combination of both. First, it comes from knowing I'm a damned good catch to begin with. I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I'm about, so I don't immediately start to think there's something wrong with me that he chose to go out with someone else. It just doesn't make me feel bad about myself. I might be disappointed, but I know it's not because I suck in some way and she's better than me. For whatever reason, the chemistry or compatibility or whatever was more compelling with the other girl.

 

It also comes from having known lots of wonderful men over the years...friends, lovers, men I've worked with, etc. I know that I can appreciate and feel chemistry for lots of different men, and I can feel that interest in them regardless of whether I'm already dating someone or not. I know I can feel the chemistry for more than one man at the same time. And I know that I might not act on my attraction at all or that I might feel more strongly about one guy over another, and it has nothing to do with them...it has everything to do with me. So, I can see how a guy would be attracted to me and someone else and that he's going to make his choice based on what's going on inside him and what's compelling to him...it's not me vs. her, it's him vs. him.

 

Norajane,

thank you for taking the time for posting again - what you said, expecially the "it's him vs. him" part, makes perfect sense.

I should really keep this in mind!!

 

Well, it actually doesn't make you feel very good, because you have to come face to face with whatever that's bugging you; you can't hide from it.

I think it makes you stronger, though!

 

I can be a competitive person. I'm actually turned on when I'm rejected. I become more interested in the guy than I'd be if he'd choosen me.

 

I am curious. This is so interesting.

In case he changes his mind, would you find him as attractive as if he hadn't reject you the first time?

 

Okay, I know that my sense of humour is an acquired taste. But romantic chemistry is a mystery to me. I find it very interesting that you know exactly what it is about you (and it can't just be one thing) that another finds attractive. Care to elaborate?

It's actualy the other way around - I usually am aware of what I find attractive in guys I like, and most of the times I know exactly why I am attracted more by a guy than by another.

 

What it is about me that guys find attractive, sometimes I know or can guess, sometimes I am clueless about.

[grateful]

You've gotten some awfully enlightened responses. I have to say that my reaction, back in the day when I was on the market, was always just as you described it in the first post. Swinging back and forth between those two poles wildly. I don't deal well with rejection. I take it personally or try to explain it away. Norajane is very right, if I think of the men I haven't had chemistry with, but who are excellent men, that makes me realize it really isn't always personal. But it's hard when you are on the other end.