The Ups and Downs

[Alone1234]

Ok I don't know really where to start here but here is goes:

 

I'm 26 and my husband is 29. We've been married for four years and together for seven. Well before we got married things were great. I couldn't have asked for a better person to have been with. Anyhow we dated for about two years and then got engaged and married a year later. After we got married things were fine like before. As the year went on he started to change on me gradually. At the time I never thought much about it and just ignored it. I just figured it was just newlywed problem like things and they would just go away. Well they did and after three years of this its getting worse. To me hes not the same person that I married. He was never like this and I wouldn't have married him if he was. But I did so now I'm stuck with him.

 

Well what he does to me is abuse me verbally and mentally. He's starting to go away from the verbal stuff because I just put it back on him. He doesn't seem to get anywhere with it. But he's got me on the mental abuse thats for sure. To me hes starting to be controlling. He doesn't like it when I do things that he doesn't like or without him. It just eats at him and I can tell by the way he acts. If i'm on the computer, he just has to get on to. If i'm watching tv he just has to watch it to but not what I want. I'll be sitting there watching something and he'll just come in, grab the clicker and then change it. If I tell him I was watching it, he usually says "I'm not watching this" or "you mean was watching it." Then if I get up he gets mad and sometimes will ask me "why do you always leave when I come out here" or "why do you hate what I watch." Then if I say I don't he just gets mader and goes on and on about God knows what. He also doesn't like it when I go places. He'll play 20 questions with me and then when I get back (if I get the chance to leave) he will ask where I have been and what I got. But a lot of the times he'll ask me if I really need to go or if I really need to get whatever or if I can wait and go with him the next day. Usually when he does that I don't go and I wait because I don't want to listen to him all day long. To give you a idea of his moods. If hes in the bad mood when he wakes up, hes in a bad mood until he falls asleep at night and i'm just draged along for the ride. I would have to say that his recent thing that he likes to do now is cut me off. I can't get a word in edge wise. We'll be talking about something and as soon as I start to say something I'm cut off. If I can talk for 10 seconds, thats a lot for me. I just can't say anything so I quite talking because he doesn't want to listen. We also have the money issue now. He makes enough money where I don't have to work (but i do) and we have a very hard time paying the bills. I don't even ask him anymore because he won't give me any of his money to help pay for them. The only thing that he will pay for it the house payment and his cell bill o and the internet. Other than that I have to do the rest and I just can't. I got us down to two months behind now. I don't understand why he can't help with the bills. He makes enough and he knows that I don't make that much. He usually tells me that he doesn't have any money to help out with. I asked him where all his money goes to and he just gets defensive. I know that its his money and he can do whatever he wants to with it but why should I have to spend all mine on bills and gas in my car? He always tells me that bills will always be there but if something isn't paid and we get shut off who do you think gets blamed for it? "ME!!"

 

I guess I just don't know what to do anymore. I used to be this smart independent confident women but he just sucked it out of me. He makes me just feel so stupid, worthless and mostly unloved. I've tried to tell him that I don't like what he's doing but he doesn't care.

 

Now these are just the bad days. There are good days and plently of them. When he's in a good mood and everything according to him is fine, being around him is ok. He's usually laughing, joking and such with me. We'll go and do things and things to me are normal again. With him like that it makes me forgive him and forget. If we do get into fights he does say he's sorry and didn't mean anything he said and then moves on with the rest of the day. I usually say "its ok" or "don't worry about it." I know that I shouldn't say that but he just makes his sorries so convincing and then I fell stupid for thinking otherwise so I feel that I have to forgive him and i do. So like I said before I don't know what to do. I don't think it will get worse but its not getting better and I'm just so tired and worn out.

[amaysngrace]

The good and bad moods of his you are describing are known as the "Cycle of Abuse". The ups and the downs. Life, unfortunately, is going to remain like this for you unless and until HE wishes to get help, or YOU decide to leave.

 

If you approach him with this, he will most likely promise to "change" as most abusers claim. Talk is cheap. Action of his desire to change is what truly counts.

 

The money thing, the unfair splitting of the bills, is yet another indication of his controlling behaviour. How could you possibly leave him if you are penniless? Get the idea?

 

Sometimes victims downplay mental and emotional abuse as opposed to physical, but it is just as damaging and often occurs for a greater length of time, simply because you will only be pounded on for so long before you say "Enough". But believe me, the scars are equal.

 

It sounds as if you have a choice to make here. Remember you are your #1 priority. If you are unhappy, married or not, you have a right to leave the marriage at any given time, no questions asked. Especially if you are being treated badly by your spouse.

 

Mental and emotional abuse is just that...ABUSE. And it's NEVER okay.

[PWSX3]

People will tell you that he needs counsoling, which would help but he has to be the one that wants to go and I bet if you tell him he is controlling he will not agree with you at all.

I am readying a book right now that says controlling is just like someone with a drinking problem or any other addition.

I can see a LOT of simularities in what he does and what I used to do to my wife (she moved out a month ago after 25 yrs of marriage). You can read my post in (separation and divorce) if you want, but anyway I am trying to figure out why I did these things and how to correct them because I do see them as a problem and I do need to change weather it will be for me and my W getting back together or for my next relationship I am in.

Like alone1234 said; you have to look out for yourself because that is the only person you have control over.

This might help you understand kind of where he is coming from because like I said before I am a lot like your H but this is what I have learned in the last few months.

 

If your H is like I was a lot of that he is doing he dosen't even realize he is doing until he sets back and start looking at himself. It took this board for me to realize how I was.

I would do the TV thing, just start watching something I wanted to watch without even asking if the W was watching anything. My reply would be we have another TV in the other room (thinking in my head this is my TV) I didn't care if I hurt her feelings it was all about me.

She would play solitaire on the computer and I would tell her if she was on the computer why not do something more worthwhile then play games? Then I would get on and just check out my 4x4 boards so what was the difference? Sure I was learning things from the board but it was still just me wasting time like I had told her she was doing, just in a different way.

She used to go to the store, which should only take 15 minutes and she would be gone for an hour or more so I would ask what took so long where else did she go. I know part of it was because I was worried about her (she could have been in a wreck, etc), but there is a deeper reason why I did and that is what I am working and trying to understand now.

Hopefully someone else will post for you and give you a good way to explain to him how he is treating you and maybe you can talk to him about going to counsoling.

There are a few books out there that once he sees he has a problem that he could read, I have 5 I want to read right now.

The biggest thing to remember is you CAN NOT change how he is, that is something he has to do but you can look out for yourself and if that means moving out then that is what you need to do.

Maybe you could set down and talk (no argue) to him but that can turn into an arguement because he will try and defend himself just like I used to do. I would not listen to the W when she tried to tell me about things that hurt her, I would just attack back with why it wasn't me or it wasn't my fault, etc.

I can't believe I said that because my W moved out on me and it has broken my heart, but if that is what it took for me to see what I see now then it was worth it on both are lives because like she told me before she moved out; I can't live like this anymore and I had already started to see things but it was to late.

I hope your H will undestand he is hurting you and will except the need for help. Good luck!!!

[Alone1234]

@ PWSX3

 

((I don't know if he does know what hes doing but I think a lof of it is just that he's so dam selfish. He doesn't want to share ANYTHING, especially his money. Yeah he has told me that there is another tv in the other room but that isn't the point. I was there first. Its just rude and inconsiderate. If I try to say something it just goes in one ear and out the other and there is nothing that I can do. I can't just go over and grab it back. If I do then he just comes back over and grabs it and hangs on to it then. But the things that ticks me off is that I will walk back out in the living room and what is he doing. SLEEPING. So instead of me waking him up (he hates that. I will NEVER do that again) I just leave him there until he wakes up on his own. That is a very usually pattern that he just loves to do. To be honest I can't remember the last time he and I fell asleep together because it has been that long. Yeah he comes to bed but usually its around 2 in the morning but that's not the point.

 

I don't know if I see controlling as an addiction because thats just part of who he is or at least who he is now. Speaking of books, I was at borders a couple of weeks ago and I found this book that said something like "Dealing with 8 types of difficult people" and you know what? I couldn't put him in just one category because he was in ALL of them. I read this book and it was just for people who have one type, not all 8. That scared the hell out of me. As I was reading this I was like "what happends if hes all of them? Where that ****ing section at. I don't see it." Anyhow a lot of the reasons that the book gave was that it has to deal with childhood things. Probably not your case but I think his are.

I did read your posts and I do hope that things do work out for you and your wife. I guess its better you found this out now instead of never.

 

O and about your wife going to the store. Most of the time, when women say they are going to the store, it doesn't mean they will take the same time it takes you to get whatever you need. When I say I'm going to the store I'll be right back, I take much longer then he would. He doesn't like it when I'm gone to long but I get side tracked as I'm sure others do as well.))

[Alone1234]

I don't think that I can just pack up and leave him. I just can't. It wouldn't look good on my part. See when were around other people, he is entirely different. People like him a lot and couldn't even think of him abusing anyone including abusing me. I had a friend of mine once tell me that she wishes that she could find someone like my husband and I was just thinking "o know you don't." Plus he does make a lot more then me so I can't just move out on my own thinking everything will be ok. I do depend a lot on him. I don't really go around and talk about him to my friends becuase he made it clear to me, very clear that our business is no ones business. I can't chance him finding out that I have told others which is why I'll only post on here when he's gone.

[calalily]

Alone1234 you are in serious trouble. Do whatever it takes to get out.

 

Let me lay it out for you - he's got everyone thinking he's a good guy, cut you off from your friends, won't let you go out sometimes without giving you the third degree, puts you into a cycle of abuse - bad treatment and sincere apologies. He's financially crippling you, mistreating you and you are afraid of him (I'll only post on here when he's gone).

 

You must know that it is abuse, or you wouldn't have posted this in this section. The key is to get out before it gets any worse, or god forbid you have children. You need to get out no matter what anyone thinks about you, or it will be too late.

 

Many women fall into this trap - the gradual deprivation of everything until there is just him and his whims. Stop paying those bills, save up your money and get out as soon as you can. And if you need a little extra money, you can always make him spaghetti bolognese ala dogfood mince for dinner to save a little more.

[PWSX3]

@ PWSX3

 

((I don't know if he does know what hes doing but I think a lof of it is just that he's so dam selfish. He doesn't want to share ANYTHING, especially his money. Yeah he has told me that there is another tv in the other room but that isn't the point. I was there first. Its just rude and inconsiderate.

Yes this is rude and inconsiderate but he doesn't see it that way as I did with some of the things I did. He just needs someone to finally slap him behind the head and wake him up so he sees what he is doing.

I don't know if I see controlling as an addiction because thats just part of who he is or at least who he is now. Speaking of books, I was at borders a couple of weeks ago and I found this book that said something like "Dealing with 8 types of difficult people" and you know what? I couldn't put him in just one category because he was in ALL of them. I read this book and it was just for people who have one type, not all 8. That scared the hell out of me. As I was reading this I was like "what happends if hes all of them? Where that ****ing section at. I don't see it." Anyhow a lot of the reasons that the book gave was that it has to deal with childhood things. Probably not your case but I think his are.

I might be wrong here but as I am seeing it that controlling is whatever it takes to get things your way and what I have read a lot of it boils down to low self-esteam and maybe that is what he has I don't know. I think if your selfish you are controlling because you aren't worried about other peoples feelings and you just worry about yourself.

I also read that your past and your childhood has a lot to do with who you are now. I also found something interesting that a lot of it might come from your mother when I was always looking at if it was my dad and how he treated us.

O and about your wife going to the store. Most of the time, when women say they are going to the store, it doesn't mean they will take the same time it takes you to get whatever you need. When I say I'm going to the store I'll be right back, I take much longer then he would. He doesn't like it when I'm gone to long but I get side tracked as I'm sure others do as well.))

This is something else that I have learned, when we as men shop we look at it as a hunt or a mission. You go to the store and buy what you want and go home. On the other hand a woman goes into the store and she needs something at the back of the store and instead of just getting what she needs she will wonder around a few isles, check out the clearance sales then finally get to what she went to the store for. Then she still has to get back to the front of the store and of coarse there is the other side of the store she didn't check out so she wonders up to the front before finally buying the one item she needed. Sure all woman are not this way but I have found that is how my W is so I now understand that if it takes longer then I would not to get to worried. Now if she takes 2 hours I feel it is her responsabilty to maybe call and say everything is fine that she is still just looking around the store so I don't have to start worrying if she is in a wreck or something. I just feel this is good communication for both people.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is it takes educating yourself and seeing how much different men and woman really are and then working on it as a couple not just one side or the other working on it, that won't work and I don't see your H working on your realationship.

I also want to thank you for sharing your story because it really hits home for me, just like you saying your friends thinks he is such a good guy because I think my W has gotten that same thing said to her because I can turn on the charm sometimes and I have done some great things for her but those things are covered up with the bad things that hurt which only the spouse gets to see.

 

Somehow he needs to see what he is doing and I just don't know what to tell you there, hopefully someone else can chime in.

What did it for me was the W moving out and I started looking for answers and I got a very straight forward email from a friend then found this great web site and from there I am starting to see who I was, and what I need to start working on. That doesn't mean my relationship will work out but like someone told me the other day the "fat lady hasn't song just yet" so until that happens I have hope but like I said before I need to make myself a better person no matter what the outcome is and hopefully in my case she will see the improvements. I guess like Gunny said; you have to walk the walk not talk the talk...Let her see the changes and then decide from there. Sorry I guess I got a little of subject here but I really feel in your case since it is a lot like mine that just growing up, educating himself, and communication on both parts would be a great help.

[Alone1234]

Well I'm glad that you see the difference between men and women when it pertains to shopping. Me personally I don't call him if I'm out and about. He's usually calling me and asking me to get him things and such. The other day I told him that I would be back later because I had some things to take care of and I was gone for over 4 hours. When I came back he asked me where I had been all day and I just told him that I stopped off at the library which was true. But I went to other places as well but he didn't need to know that. Needless to say he wasn't thrilled about it.

 

I know that your wife did leave but I don't want to do that with my husband. I want to work things out because I do love him a lot regardless of what people on here may think.

 

Yeah I do know that what he's doing is abuse and yeah if it wasn't I wouldn't be posting in here. I just want it fixed, not broken. I have noticed that some people here have said that he does the "cycle of abuse" but I don't see how. Everything is fine at home until something ticks him off. I don't think that he's waiting to yell at me.

[amaysngrace]

I have noticed that some people here have said that he does the "cycle of abuse" but I don't see how. Everything is fine at home until something ticks him off. I don't think that he's waiting to yell at me.

 

 

Alone1234, the cycle of violence looks something like this:

 

1st - tension building: insults and name calling

 

2nd - abuse occurs: you are assaulted OR threatened

 

3rd - honeymoon period: where he promises it will never happen and that he will change

 

 

Statistics show it will happen again. Only YOU can stop the cycle. I know you want to fix this, I understand this, but it is entirely up to him getting the help he needs. If he has his buttons pushed easily, how on earth do you expect to approach him with this?

 

Realize this, if you try to take a stand on his mistreatment of you when it is in the verbal/emotional phase of abuse, it can make him feel out of control and take it to the next level of physical abuse.

 

Understand that his manipulation and abuse of you has done more than you could possibly fathom. You aren't the same woman he married either. You aren't confident as you once were. You aren't as independent as before. You may doubt yourself and your strength simply because he has made clear of your worth to him. Please don't believe it, okay? What would you rather have...a broken marriage or a broken self-image? Because it seems pretty evident these are the only choices you'll have until you stop making excuses for this guy and see it for what it really is.

 

Don't you think you deserve someone who treats you nicely ALL the time?

[whichwayisup]

I hate to say this, but your husband sounds like he's a narcisisst! He has changed into someone else in time. Classic N! Let you fall for them, get in deep and then they change.

 

Look it up! Use google and tons of information will come up for narcissistic behaviours. He may not be a full-on N, but he has traits. (Also, you can do a search for narcisisst on this site and threads will come up about it, hopefully they can help you.)

 

Dont' worry about what anybody else thinks about your marriage. If you decide to end it, it's because you cannot live like you have been anymore. Those closest to you and love you, will support you! Anyone else who doesn't is not a friend. Let them gossip! This is YOUR life, your happiness, so don't NOT make the changes that will make you happy because you're worried about what others will think.

[justagirliegirl]

Unfortunately there is no fixing of abusers.

 

An excellent book on abuse is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

 

I guarantee that the way he is now is how life will be with him for the next 60 years. Are you willing to live the rest of your life like this? I don't know if you have children or not but if you do they will be profoundly affected by witnessing the abuse of their mother. Abusers tend to abuse their children as well.

 

You are very young and have your entire life ahead of you. I wasted 20 years of my life on an abuser. He never did change! Never! I can't get those years back. Oh I thought if I did this or did that or read this book or went to counseling or made him go, he would change. BTDT it didn't work.

[PWSX3]

Unfortunately there is no fixing of abusers.

Sorry if this comes across as being a smart a$$, but where are you getting this inforamation?

Why I ask is I have been the controlling person in our relationship and I'm trying to change or figure out why I did it. Part of what I'm finding out is the W was passive and so she would never tell me when things I did bothered her so how did I know. She kept telling me it was me controlling her but I'm not so sure.

I do agree what he is doing is not right and he shouldn't be doing it but you should be able to understand what you are doing and have some control over it.

 

I guarantee that the way he is now is how life will be with him for the next 60 years. Are you willing to live the rest of your life like this?

You are very young and have your entire life ahead of you. I wasted 20 years of my life on an abuser. He never did change! Never! I can't get those years back. Oh I thought if I did this or did that or read this book or went to counseling or made him go, he would change. BTDT it didn't work.

 

You say "I thought if I did this or did that he would change. Did he ever want to change how he was? I have read many of the threads here on the board and everyone says you can't change another person, which I have to agree, but I feel you can change yourself if you are welling to do it.

[justagirliegirl]

Sorry if this comes across as being a smart a$$, but where are you getting this inforamation?

Why I ask is I have been the controlling person in our relationship and I'm trying to change or figure out why I did it. Part of what I'm finding out is the W was passive and so she would never tell me when things I did bothered her so how did I know. She kept telling me it was me controlling her but I'm not so sure.

I do agree what he is doing is not right and he shouldn't be doing it but you should be able to understand what you are doing and have some control over it.

 

 

 

You say "I thought if I did this or did that he would change. Did he ever want to change how he was? I have read many of the threads here on the board and everyone says you can't change another person, which I have to agree, but I feel you can change yourself if you are welling to do it.

 

Abusers know they are doing things. Why do most of them manage to turn it off in public? A person can be in the most horrid screaming rage towards their mate and the phone rings and instantly they are transformed into a normal person again. Are they really so out of control and unaware of what they are doing after all?

 

Do you treat your friends and family in a controlling manner?

 

It is interesting that in 25 years she was with you and tried to tell you some of these things, you felt no need to change yourself. Why is that?

 

This post you say she was passive and didn't speak up. In your first post you said she would try to tell you and you would just attack back. I guess after years and years of your attacks, she just gave up. By saying it was her fault for not speaking up, says you haven't changed that much. You are responsible for your own behaviour. It is your job to know how to behave in a decent respectful manner, not hers to tell you and remind you. You are an adult.

 

Take the tv thing. Simple thing. If you were at a friends or family would you just change the channel without asking? Are you rude towards everyone or was it just your wife that deserved disrespect?

 

Only after she was gone, you had a revelation.

 

It's only been a month. You can tell us how much you've really changed after a year or two. I'm not trying to be offensive but you really don't change 25 years of bad behaviour in 1 month.

 

I don't plan to debate change of the abuser in this thread.

 

The OP asked for feedback and that is what I am offering.

[whichwayisup]

A person must be aware of their actions and know it's wrong to change. If an abuser doesn't think they're abusing they will NEVER change. That is a fact.

 

PWSX3, it sounds like you're very aware and trying to fix yourself so you don't lose lose your wife. I'm not sure if Alone's husband has acknowledged that his behaviour is wrong and abusive.

[Alone1234]

Well I took off for a while yesterday, leaving him at home and spent time thinking about what has been going on with him and I lately. He didn't mind me leaving and even gave me some of his money to get whatever I needed. I was shocked because he never does that but I didn't complain because I could spend his, not mine. Anyhow since I have posted my story on here, I am becoming more confused then ever. A part of me knows what he's doing is wrong and the other part of me doesn't want to believe it. I guess that I'm still in denial about it a little because I never imagined that this would happen to ME. So many emotions are just running thru me right now and I don't like it. I guess that I just want it to go away but somehow I don't think that it's going to. I keep thinking that it can't get any worse. Well to answer the question that people want to know, NO we don't have any children. We have talked about it and yes we do want children but right now its not a good idea and I'm not ready to be having children regardless of whats going on.

[Alone1234]

I hate to say this, but your husband sounds like he's a narcisisst! He has changed into someone else in time. Classic N! Let you fall for them, get in deep and then they change.

 

Look it up! Use google and tons of information will come up for narcissistic behaviours. He may not be a full-on N, but he has traits. (Also, you can do a search for narcisisst on this site and threads will come up about it, hopefully they can help you.)

 

Dont' worry about what anybody else thinks about your marriage. If you decide to end it, it's because you cannot live like you have been anymore. Those closest to you and love you, will support you! Anyone else who doesn't is not a friend. Let them gossip! This is YOUR life, your happiness, so don't NOT make the changes that will make you happy because you're worried about what others will think.

Yeah I did look that up and I can see that he has traits of it but he's not a full blown one.

[Alone1234]

Alone1234, the cycle of violence looks something like this:

 

1st - tension building: insults and name calling

 

2nd - abuse occurs: you are assaulted OR threatened

 

3rd - honeymoon period: where he promises it will never happen and that he will change

 

Realize this, if you try to take a stand on his mistreatment of you when it is in the verbal/emotional phase of abuse, it can make him feel out of control and take it to the next level of physical abuse.

 

Understand that his manipulation and abuse of you has done more than you could possibly fathom. You aren't the same woman he married either. You aren't confident as you once were. You aren't as independent as before. You may doubt yourself and your strength simply because he has made clear of your worth to him. Please don't believe it, okay? What would you rather have...a broken marriage or a broken self-image? Because it seems pretty evident these are the only choices you'll have until you stop making excuses for this guy and see it for what it really is.

 

Don't you think you deserve someone who treats you nicely ALL the time?

 

I think that I should make something clear here. First my husband has NEVER hit me and NEVER will. Hes not like that so I'm safe. Second he doesn't say hes sorry and such to me all the time. He only does that when he thinks he has really crossed the line and I stop talking to him because the things he has said were just so dam hurtful. He hates it when I don't talk to him so he will do whatever it takes to make me start talking to him again. Third, its not possible for someone to treat someone nicely ALL the time. Maybe in a perfect world but thats just how I see it.

I feel like I've been brainwashed by him or something.

[Alone1234]

Abusers know they are doing things.

 

I honestly think that he knows what he's doing because I've caught him smerking at some of the things that I've questioned him on before. I don't know if he thinks that this is a game or what but I don't want to play. After reading this it got me thinking again. He must have seen me coming a mile away when I started dating him, or even before I was. And that there makes me fell so stupid and so guilty because I feel that I should have seen this coming and since I didn't, I'm paying the price for it. I'm sure some people know what I'm going thru but to be yelled at for the dumbest reasons, to be put down, made fun of (followed by the j/k things), etc...(those are mild) the list could go on, is one of the most awful feelings I believe that I have ever experienced.

[Alone1234]

A person must be aware of their actions and know it's wrong to change. If an abuser doesn't think they're abusing they will NEVER change. That is a fact.

 

PWSX3, it sounds like you're very aware and trying to fix yourself so you don't lose lose your wife. I'm not sure if Alone's husband has acknowledged that his behaviour is wrong and abusive.

 

Like I said before, he knows hes doing things but I don't know if he thinks what he's doing is wrong. I would have to ask him.

 

@ Everyone

 

I don't mind if you all want to talk about other things in here because it is helpful. Just please don't start fighting because I don't want the thread to close. I like being able to post in here because I can't really talk to anyone else about my situation. In my opinion they won't understand.

[amaysngrace]

First my husband has NEVER hit me and NEVER will.

 

Statistics show that verbal abusers turn physical when they feel the relationship is in jeopardy. If he senses you're about to leave him, he very well may become physical.

 

Second he doesn't say hes sorry and such to me all the time. He only does that when he thinks he has really crossed the line and I stop talking to him because the things he has said were just so dam hurtful.

 

Giving someone the silent treatment is abuse as well. Granted, it is by his actions that cause your reaction, but see how it feeds off the both of you? Once you become "abusive" (which is NOTHING compared to him), he automatically lightens up on you. Because you've scared him, and he is threatened by your actions. So he becomes a pussycat again. Just like how he let you go and think and actually gave you money. It's classic behaviour. He's sensing your state of mind and is adjusting his attitude towards you accordingly.

 

Third, its not possible for someone to treat someone nicely ALL the time. Maybe in a perfect world but thats just how I see it.

 

Here is where you're completely wrong. It is possible for someone to treat you nicely ALL the time. It's called RESPECT. To take your thoughts and feelings into consideration as much as they do thier own. How does this guy even come close to doing that?

 

I feel like I've been brainwashed by him or something.

 

You probably have been brainwashed. Mind games are common with abusers. They knock your confidence so low that you have a hard time thinking about what is and what isn't. He can make you think you're the crazy one, if you let him. Like you're the one with the problem. In actuality, you are the one with the problem...HIM!

 

It's very hard to break this, Alone1234. I know. I've been there. The rollercoaster you're on right now seems neverending. And you're absolutely right that when it's good, it's really good. I have a jewelry box filled with diamonds as proof of that. He'd be a jerk to me for 364 days a year, but come Christmas morning, I'd get a nice piece of jewelry for putting up with his sorry a$$. It became pretty clear to me that it was hardly worth it.

 

If you can, check out your local women's center. Ask your local police where you can go to talk to someone if you're in an abusive relationship. It's completely confidential. Here in NJ the local center will house a woman for about 2 months, until she is able to get back on her feet. Where you live may have a similar arrangement.

 

Please, also, since you share your computer, please clear all history. Go to tools at the top, then internet options, and in 'general' click clear all history. Especially if you've been doing research on abusers and narcissists and whatnot. This could really tick him off.

 

I agree with whichwayisup. If anyone is going to judge you for the choices you make, they aren't really worth your time to begin with. It's your life.

 

I really hope that things get better for you soon.

[PWSX3]

Abusers know they are doing things. Why do most of them manage to turn it off in public? A person can be in the most horrid screaming rage towards their mate and the phone rings and instantly they are transformed into a normal person again. Are they really so out of control and unaware of what they are doing after all?

So do you think we (I have to put me in his shoes as well) as abusers do this subconsciously or do we always know when we are controlling the other person? I have to use myself as an example and I don't think I just do it knowingly.

Do you treat your friends and family in a controlling manner?

In a way you do, if you need something you ask it in a way that you will get your way, or if you don't want to do something you will ask someone else to do it. An example in a book I am ready it said sometimes you don't want to do something so you pretend to not know how or you just say I can't do this (such as opening a jar) because you know someone will do it for you.

It is interesting that in 25 years she was with you and tried to tell you some of these things, you felt no need to change yourself. Why is that?

At this time I have no answer.

This post you say she was passive and didn't speak up. In your first post you said she would try to tell you and you would just attack back. I guess after years and years of your attacks, she just gave up. By saying it was her fault for not speaking up, says you haven't changed that much. You are responsible for your own behaviour. It is your job to know how to behave in a decent respectful manner, not hers to tell you and remind you. You are an adult.

When we first got married she was really shy and didn't say much so I made a lot of the choices and I thought that was what started it, but I'm not sure.

I can't tell you when in our marriage I was the controlling person, it could have been from the beginning. She told me that she always felt like she was under her dad's thumb when she lived at home, then when we got married she was under my thumb so I guess by that it was from the beginning.

 

It's only been a month. You can tell us how much you've really changed after a year or two. I'm not trying to be offensive but you really don't change 25 years of bad behaviour in 1 month.

I have to agree 100% with you and no a person can't change overnight or in a month, but I do see my faults and I need to change and I'm wanting to work on them. Even if me and the W don't get back together I don't want this to happen in my next relation either. I hope in a year I will be able to come on this board and people will see the changes that I have made. I can't tell what is going to happen but because if this board and people such as yourself it is helping me to understand myself.

I have sat down here many of times now and read what people say and it makes me cry (like now) because I am ashamed of how I treated my wife and I ask myself why I did it? I hope I will find the answers because I don't know the answers right now, but I do know I don't like the old Perry and Gunny told me every morning to tell myself I won't be that person again & I have been telling myself that every morning. It is a start but like you said I have a LONG road ahead of me and a lot to learn.

 

I also agree with alone1234 I want to see this thread stay open because it is also helping me. alone1234 is in the same shoes as my W so when she points out things that bother her it will help me to also understand because me W is/was going thru the same thing.

 

I also appreciate your imput justagirliegirl because what that does is make me stop and think about things and to see them in a different persons eyes. You have been very helpful.

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to but did your XH see how he was treating you and if so did he want to work on changing?

 

The last time we saw our counselor she asked us what we wanted between the two of us? No contact, calls only, maybe email once in a while and I left it up to the W and she said no contact.

That to me was the start of me trying to change and I have NOT had any contact with her since. I know it's not a big thing to most people but remember I was the one that would call her if she was not home in 20 minutes after going to the store.

You may disagree but to me it is a little step in the right direction.

[amaysngrace]

I left it up to the W and she said no contact.

 

That to me was the start of me trying to change and I have NOT had any contact with her since.

 

 

You are moving in a positive direction PWSX3. You are honoring her wishes and respecting her.

 

I think this change in your thinking is absolutely wonderful. Even if you and she never reconcile, at least you are learning from your mistakes and that is incredible. Because you will be a better person for it in the end.

[blind_otter]

Don't you think you deserve someone who treats you nicely ALL the time?

 

Is there such a thing?

[amaysngrace]

Is there such a thing?

 

Well it's been said that "You teach people how to treat you", so there ya go.

[blind_otter]

Well it's been said that "You teach people how to treat you", so there ya go.

 

So people who are abused teach their abusers how to abuse them. They are complicit in their own injury. I knew I deserved it.