The Ups and Downs

[amaysngrace]

So people who are abused teach their abusers how to abuse them. They are complicit in their own injury. I knew I deserved it.

 

No one deserves it. But it's faulty thinking at it's worst. Abusers hone in on those who show the vulnerabilities, or lack of confidence, that they can use to their advantage.

 

If someone is strong enough in their own mind, they'd back away from an abuser before it even gets that far. And never look back.

[PWSX3]

Abusers know they are doing things. Why do most of them manage to turn it off in public? A person can be in the most horrid screaming rage towards their mate and the phone rings and instantly they are transformed into a normal person again. Are they really so out of control and unaware of what they are doing after all?

Justagirliegirl I have to say the only way I am really going to understand all this is being honest with myself (even if it hurts) and at first I disagreed with you, I didn't think I knew what I was doing but I have been setting here thinking back at some of the arguements me & the W would have and I knew exactly what I was saying. Then if I wouldn't get my way or she would stand up for herself I would just shut up and not talk to her.

(please don't get all down on me for being such an A$$ I'm doing that to myself) What I need help in understanding is why I acted this way and things that "I" can do to not do that again. I know understanding how they happen helps figure out how to stop them and that is where I'm having a lot of trouble finding. THere is a lot of stuff out there that shows you what to look for in a controlling person but there isn't much that helps teach the controller to knock that S#%t off.

I have not had a meeting with my counselor in a month because she had to cancel the one I did have for family reasons, but I am looking forward to her helping me understand all this stuff.

Like alone1234 I have many questions on my side that need answered.

 

I really don't think your husband sees what he is doing to you, sure he might know what he is doing but he doesn't know how much it really is hurting you and I really don't know if just telling him will be the answer. He would probably just say there is nothing wrong and that it is all in your head, I know that would have been something I would have said.

[blind_otter]

If someone is strong enough in their own mind, they'd back away from an abuser before it even gets that far. And never look back.

 

You know that's funny. Because I'd think that I was strong. I really would. KNowing what I have endured in my past, what I have survived. But oddly enough the very fact that I survived what I did is what attracts abusive people to me. How hilarious. I think I'm going to vomit.

[amaysngrace]

I have not had a meeting with my counselor in a month because she had to cancel the one I did have for family reasons, but I am looking forward to her helping me understand all this stuff.

 

Like alone1234 I have many questions on my side that need answered.

 

 

 

Have you considered checking out the women's center near you to find out if they offer men's groups? They can give wonderful insight to you, if you're willing to receive it.

[amaysngrace]

You know that's funny. Because I'd think that I was strong. I really would. KNowing what I have endured in my past, what I have survived. But oddly enough the very fact that I survived what I did is what attracts abusive people to me. How hilarious. I think I'm going to vomit.

 

 

I must be missing something of what you're saying B_O. How could what you've endured attract abusers to you?

 

Where do you meet these guys?

[Alone1234]

 

I really don't think your husband sees what he is doing to you, sure he might know what he is doing but he doesn't know how much it really is hurting you and I really don't know if just telling him will be the answer. He would probably just say there is nothing wrong and that it is all in your head, I know that would have been something I would have said.

 

Well I think that he know what hes doing but I don't know if he knows how bad its just hurting me. I'm beginning to think that he thinks its fun. Why else would someone do that. I don't know myself and I'm going to have to ask him soon because I don't know how much longer I can keep quite about it. Right now things are fine.

[Alone1234]

Statistics show that verbal abusers turn physical when they feel the relationship is in jeopardy. If he senses you're about to leave him, he very well may become physical.

 

 

 

Giving someone the silent treatment is abuse as well. Granted, it is by his actions that cause your reaction, but see how it feeds off the both of you? Once you become "abusive" (which is NOTHING compared to him), he automatically lightens up on you. Because you've scared him, and he is threatened by your actions. So he becomes a pussycat again. Just like how he let you go and think and actually gave you money. It's classic behaviour. He's sensing your state of mind and is adjusting his attitude towards you accordingly.

 

 

 

Here is where you're completely wrong. It is possible for someone to treat you nicely ALL the time. It's called RESPECT. To take your thoughts and feelings into consideration as much as they do thier own. How does this guy even come close to doing that?

 

 

 

You probably have been brainwashed. Mind games are common with abusers. They knock your confidence so low that you have a hard time thinking about what is and what isn't. He can make you think you're the crazy one, if you let him. Like you're the one with the problem. In actuality, you are the one with the problem...HIM!

 

It's very hard to break this, Alone1234. I know. I've been there. The rollercoaster you're on right now seems neverending. And you're absolutely right that when it's good, it's really good. I have a jewelry box filled with diamonds as proof of that. He'd be a jerk to me for 364 days a year, but come Christmas morning, I'd get a nice piece of jewelry for putting up with his sorry a$$. It became pretty clear to me that it was hardly worth it.

 

If you can, check out your local women's center. Ask your local police where you can go to talk to someone if you're in an abusive relationship. It's completely confidential. Here in NJ the local center will house a woman for about 2 months, until she is able to get back on her feet. Where you live may have a similar arrangement.

 

Please, also, since you share your computer, please clear all history. Go to tools at the top, then internet options, and in 'general' click clear all history. Especially if you've been doing research on abusers and narcissists and whatnot. This could really tick him off.

 

I agree with whichwayisup. If anyone is going to judge you for the choices you make, they aren't really worth your time to begin with. It's your life.

 

I really hope that things get better for you soon.

 

Well I still don't think that he will harm me. He has mentioned that to me before. I didn't know not talking to him was abuse. Well thats just great and he probably is just loving it. I don't know what else to do with that then because I don't want to talk to him. I don't even want to be in the same room let alone look at him. Usually I can only be mad at him for about a day. After that I just seem to forgive and move on. With the computer thing. I have my own computer and he has his. I don't go on his and he doesn't come near mine. Plus mine is password protected so I don't worry about it.

 

Yeah I also get things as well. Usually its just things that I have been waiting that I can't afford, so he just gets it for me.

[Alone1234]

I must be missing something of what you're saying B_O. How could what you've endured attract abusers to you?

 

Where do you meet these guys?

 

 

How many people have you gone thru? I don't think that I attract it but I think my situation is different from yours. Maybe wrong but I think I'm not.

[amaysngrace]

I didn't know not talking to him was abuse. Well thats just great and he probably is just loving it. I don't know what else to do with that then because I don't want to talk to him. I don't even want to be in the same room let alone look at him. Usually I can only be mad at him for about a day. After that I just seem to forgive and move on.

 

That's okay that you continue to do this, IMO, because it's predictable to him. Anything you do that is out of the ordinary is going to send a red flag to him. He knows your pattern too.

 

When I left my husband, I knew it for a while that the day was going to come. But even though my thoughts had shifted, I still acted in the same way he had gotten used to. I did this for my own protection and the safety of our children.

[calalily]

Of course he knows what he's doing to you - all your friends think he's nice. That's the thing - people who don't know they're hurtful or abusive do it to everyone, not just when they are alone with one person.

 

Don't feel bad - lots of women and men get into these situations, without fully realising the impact of the slippery slope of abuse. That's why it works. If it started off bad warning bells would go off and you'd never see a date again. So they do it slowly, while you're not thinking about every little increment, every little slight and loss of freedom. Then you get to the point where you recognise this, and think "well it's not really that bad" or "I don't know if they know what they're doing". They have set this up before.

 

As for the cycle of abuse, it usually goes that there is a build up - you can feel the tension in the house, then it finally escalates to whatever form the abuse takes, whether it be financially, emotionally, physically etc. Then they beg for forgiveness, say they're sorry, promise never to do it again. Then there is the honeymoon period where everything is good. Back to the build up. If you're not sure whether there is a cycle then make some sort of diary, and try to fit everything into one of those categories, and see if it makes sense.

 

But don't beat yourself up about this - lots of people fall into the trap of "softly softly" - from victims of domestic abuse to victims of child sexual abuse. Otherwise they wouldn't bother being nice.

[Alone1234]

I am so dam clueless here. Now I have a pattern. A pattern of what?

[amaysngrace]

I am so dam clueless here. Now I have a pattern. A pattern of what?

 

A pattern of the way you react to how he treats you. You most likely act the same way, or very similar, in certain situations.

 

And you've become predictable. No worries. We all do it.

[PWSX3]

That's okay that you continue to do this, IMO, because it's predictable to him. Anything you do that is out of the ordinary is going to send a red flag to him. He knows your pattern too.

 

When I left my husband, I knew it for a while that the day was going to come. But even though my thoughts had shifted, I still acted in the same way he had gotten used to. I did this for my own protection and the safety of our children.

I am just going to throw this out and see what everyone thinks, but when he yells at her instead of her just not talking to him would it maybe be better if she would just tell him; I don't really want to argue at this time & I would like time to myself so I won't say something I don't want to say. maybe something like that.

 

I have to agree with Amaysngrace because if me & the wife would agrue she would pick up a book and start reading then all of a sudden she started to just go to the bedroom and that confused me, couldn't figure out why she would go to the bedroom because all the other times she would read her book, after a little while we would start talking and most the time talk out the problem.

 

I found a paper that my W had written saying she was figuring out what bills she could afford, getting her ducks in a row, etc. and that she was planning on moving out the first of Oct. She had no plans to tell me what she was doing. Once I found out then I talked to the counselor and by the middle of Aug. I can see now the longer she was around me the worse things were for the both of us so we found ways (money) so she could find an appartment and she moved out the first of Sept. Now I am glad she moved out sooner because the only thing I was doing is pissing her off by asking/doing stupid things just like most everyone else has done on here.

[amaysngrace]

I am just going to throw this out and see what everyone thinks, but when he yells at her instead of her just not talking to him would it maybe be better if she would just tell him; I don't really want to argue at this time & I would like time to myself so I won't say something I don't want to say. maybe something like that.

 

Yeah, maybe this would work.

 

But she should be prepared for an all-out shouting match. He may even stoop so low to answer her questions with questions. Or make faces at her. Or re-hash something from two years ago. Or maybe he'll shut his eyes and pretend she's not there as well.

 

But maybe she should try it just once.

[blind_otter]

I must be missing something of what you're saying B_O. How could what you've endured attract abusers to you?

 

I have no clue, but in order to have survived my life, to be here now, I had to be strong. To face my fears. And yet, every relationship is abusive. every one.

 

So i conclude that it's not them, it's me. The only way for me to stay safe is to stay single.

 

Where do you meet these guys?

 

I believe it lives inside the hearts of every man.

[amaysngrace]

I have no clue, but in order to have survived my life, to be here now, I had to be strong. To face my fears. And yet, every relationship is abusive. every one.

 

So i conclude that it's not them, it's me. The only way for me to stay safe is to stay single.

 

 

I agree you have strength beyond words. I know your past and what you have endured in your lifetime.

 

Yet something is holding you back from demanding proper treatment from a man. Only when you can respect yourself are you able to demand it from others.

 

You are a survivor, but could you possibly be stuck in a victim-mentality?

 

You touch on thinking it's all men. To me that suggests trust issues, B_O. You know it's not fair to think all men are the same guy.

[PWSX3]

I believe it lives inside the hearts of every man.

Do you think maybe part of it is because men used to be the ones that made the money, were the ones that went and faught the wars, were taught the man is the king of the house, etc. but now that woman are starting to be more ? of themselves that they stand up for themselves and start seeing how they are controlled? Sure there are woman that are the controlling person in the ralationship I know some of them but we are just talking about men now.

 

Like calalily said; this doesn't start at the beginning of a relationship but just thru time it happens.

[blind_otter]

Do you think maybe part of it is because men used to be the ones that made the money, were the ones that went and faught the wars, were taught the man is the king of the house, etc. but now that woman are starting to be more ? of themselves that they stand up for themselves and start seeing how they are controlled? Sure there are woman that are the controlling person in the ralationship I know some of them but we are just talking about men now.

 

No, I don't think that has anything to do with it. Because I've seen the exact same look, in men's eyes. The same....thing....inside their, that capacity for violence. I saw the same thing in the eyes of the men who raped me who i had no relationship with, and in the eyes of men I was in intimate relationships with who abused me...

 

It's like they stopped seeing me as a person. And I became something else to them. And through me they were acting out some kind of pantomime, they were venting anger about something else. Something much deeper. I just happened to be the unlucky person in the wrong place, with the wrong person, at the wrong time.

[Alone1234]

I don't think all men want to hurt you. Sounds to me like you've gone thru some very tramatic experiences in your life and it has really affected you a lot. I probably have no business saying this since I'm still in my abusive marriage but it sounds like you just need to work on your self esteem along with some other things. Have you tried talking to someone about it?

[blind_otter]

I don't think all men want to hurt you. Sounds to me like you've gone thru some very tramatic experiences in your life and it has really affected you a lot. I probably have no business saying this since I'm still in my abusive marriage but it sounds like you just need to work on your self esteem along with some other things. Have you tried talking to someone about it?

 

yeeeeah, i have. i recently went back to seeing a psychiatrist.

 

not all men are abusive, I definately believe that. But maybe there are some people who, not matter who they are with, bring it out in others. I dunno. I'm the worst person to give advice when it comes to abusive relationships.

 

i hopeyou find a resolution.

[Alone1234]

yeeeeah, i have. i recently went back to seeing a psychiatrist.

 

not all men are abusive, I definately believe that. But maybe there are some people who, not matter who they are with, bring it out in others. I dunno. I'm the worst person to give advice when it comes to abusive relationships.

 

i hopeyou find a resolution.

 

I'm trying. I want to stay when things are good and I do mean good and then when things get bad I just want to pack up and go. But something just keeps me there. There are a number of reasons why I don't leave. I can post my reasons if anyone wants m too but its probably just standard reasons why people don't go.

[blind_otter]

financial, social. Yeah I know waht you mean.

 

Then again, you have to wonder how your rel is affecting your ability to see things clearly and objectively. I know I sure don't see things clearly.

[Alone1234]

financial, social. Yeah I know waht you mean.

 

Then again, you have to wonder how your rel is affecting your ability to see things clearly and objectively. I know I sure don't see things clearly.

 

Yeah but if you actually don't see clearly and you think that you are, how do you know otherwise. I've been thinking a lot about my marriage these past two days and I just don't undersand why I let this get as bad as it is. There is just to many questions and not enough answers for them. I think that over the years I've been so maulpulated that I couldn't even tell you what hes done to me mentally because I just don't know. Then after I say that I have been I turn around and say that is isn't possible. I would never let him do that but maybe I have. So I just keep going on and on and back and forth.

[blind_otter]

Yeah but if you actually don't see clearly and you think that you are, how do you know otherwise. I've been thinking a lot about my marriage these past two days and I just don't undersand why I let this get as bad as it is. There is just to many questions and not enough answers for them. I think that over the years I've been so maulpulated that I couldn't even tell you what hes done to me mentally because I just don't know. Then after I say that I have been I turn around and say that is isn't possible. I would never let him do that but maybe I have. So I just keep going on and on and back and forth.

 

I'm not laughing at you, I know exactly how you feel though, and it reminded me of several conversations I've had....where the guy asks me what it is that he does wrong, and I can't for the life of me explain it. Because I guess, you shouldn't have to. People who love you should know that it's not ok to make you feel bad, or vent their frustrations on you.

 

I know that back and forth. It's like you get to the point where you don't even trust yourself.

 

You're not alone, alone1234.

[PWSX3]

I am glad for everyone that has added there input to this thread. Everyone's situation is different but the thing is we can take a little from everyone and make it work for us. I am learning a lot from people explaining things different then how I am looking at it.

 

Part of what you feel is the comfort of a relationship and being scared to be alone such as I was. I was scared to death at first to be alone by myself since I've been with someone my hole life but it's been a month and I'm starting to get used to it. Sure I still have my ups and downs but I am getting used to being alone, I do get my son every other weekend and that really helps. I am also starting to change things around the house to how I like them, there is no reason to leave them like there were since the W isn't here anymore and there is a chance she might not ever come back.

I am in charge of my finances and I don't have anyone to blame if I spend to much money and so far I'm staying in the red which was a big issue with the wife.

 

That brings up another question that is not really related but I would like to ask it. I see that I have been controlling but doesn't living by myself and doing things the way "I" want them make me still controlling knowing there is no one here to tell me any different???