Trouble with Women because of looks

[Guest222]

Based on the title of this thread, one may think it's because of lack of looks, but no this isnt.

 

Im not here to brag or anything, but im a mildly good looking fellow. And the main problem is, i have trouble attracting women who are interested in me.

 

women i encounter, either -

 

A) Are interested, but not interested for a LTR

B) are attention wh0ring, I know they have a bf but they will be open flirts or at least let me do a little chasing/flirting and i eventually learn they do have a bf.

C) Even if making advances, they would openly and willingly place me in the friends zone if given the chance. Im not going stay and feed a girl's ego because i have no reason to.

 

And so far with my dating experiences and my conclusions i believe that -

A) girls rule me out for a LTR because they dont believe i can be stable

B) girls want me for attention(sex) if they get the chance (usually i filter them out before that happens)

C) some girls reject me because they dont believe they have a good chance, again pointing back to A.

D) all this takes a blow to my ego when possible because it makes me feel like im doing something wrong with them/ i cant meet their expectations

 

Maybe im just meeting the wrong girls, but it appears that the girls i am attracted to are shy...which tend to have low self-esteem.

Perhaps they may be the dreamy/fantasy types that expect me to sweep them off their feet, and when they find out im not, they lose interest. False early expectations ruin me more than anything.

 

I'm not doing anything to exude any player characteristics, by all means im a 1 woman man, even in the dating stages i still am. I do feel empty at times, and i do want to be in a relationship with the right girl...but the worst part is i get taken advantage/ played like a fool more than not, or perhaps the fear thereof due to a few bad past experiences. I cant explain it, but my gut tells me these women i meet immediately know they wont be in a LTR with me...kind of like that few sec rule of a woman meeting a guy and knowing whether or not she'll **** him.

 

I am a confident guy, i have ambitions/goals which keeps me proactive, i tease playfully with women, i kino them, have friends and decent social life...and yet i still feel like im missing something/something is wrong with me.

 

responses are welcome, but i hope to hear some replies from people who've been in similar situations more often than not.

[norajane]

What are these expectations that you think girls have that you can't meet?

 

What kinds of things do you tell women when they ask you what you're hoping for in a relationship? Do you ever say you hope to fall in love and get married?

 

Maybe you're meeting women in the wrong places? You say you're attractive and ambitious...but are you, um, boring? Talk about yourself all the time? Do you have activities/interests that you do where you can meet women you have stuff in common with and where they can get to know you in a non-dating type of setting (like hiking, biking, running clubs, or a political organization, or a volunteer activity)?

 

Are you vain and high maintenance? Maybe your appearance makes you look as if you are, so people make assumptions that you're not laid back and a regular guy? Are you judmental of others? Are you a negative person, gloomy? There can be all kinds of little things that might make an otherwise attractive guy unattractive.

[Guest]

Thanks for the reply Norajane.

 

What are these expectations that you think girls have that you can't meet?

 

First off i'm 22, but when people see me they think im in my mid/late 20's. Certain girls i encounter have a false perception that I'm successful and living on my own. And when they find out im not any of those, they may be less than satisfied. Often they expect me to be some kind of badboy which im not. Nor am i any doormat or 'nice guy', those days have long been dead.

However i can be spontaneous and adventurous at times.

 

 

What kinds of things do you tell women when they ask you what you're hoping for in a relationship? Do you ever say you hope to fall in love and get married?

dont recall a time a woman asked me that exact question (are they supposed to?)

i recall once this girl asked me if i planned on getting married, around when, etc. And i recall telling her before i reach 30...I do have life plans you know...no one knows where life takes them, nor does one know how long a relationship takes to progress to 'that stage'.

 

 

Maybe you're meeting women in the wrong places? You say you're attractive and ambitious...but are you, um, boring? Talk about yourself all the time? Do you have activities/interests that you do where you can meet women you have stuff in common with and where they can get to know you in a non-dating type of setting (like hiking, biking, running clubs, or a political organization, or a volunteer activity)?

 

It may be due to where i meet these women. So far the only places i've met women have been through college, although im trying to make an effort to meet them off campus also. did i mention i'm slim/skinny...i think i should ditch my glasses. I'm a very optimistic guy, i carry myself well and present good body language, not sure what u mean by boring. I dont, often i show more interest in the other person.

 

So far the main places of social settings i go to is college, temp work, Pool hall.

 

 

 

Are you vain and high maintenance? Maybe your appearance makes you look as if you are, so people make assumptions that you're not laid back and a regular guy? Are you judmental of others? Are you a negative person, gloomy? There can be all kinds of little things that might make an otherwise attractive guy unattractive.

 

Define 'vain'.

I'm not high maintenance, i can be a very laid back guy. I can dress as sloppy as any other college student, and on better days i wear a button down shirt with jeans. I'm far from judgmental, if you speak to me i'm a friendly guy if in a good mood. I'm rarely negative around people, usually i'm optimistic/positive/upbeat/sociable with a go-getter attitude. If im sick/tired, im just quiet.

[Guest]

also i usually wind up in some kind of power struggle with these women. When they feel I'm drifting away they do/say something to show that they're desired by other men. Or play phone/mind games with me for no reason. and when i pull back they push back.

 

Perhaps these shy women have more baggage than i realize. one time in a open relationship with this girl, she mentioned she would be the jealous type of we were exclusive.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Do you only want women that are very attractive?

[dgiirl]

There could be a lot of things going on that are causing you problems right now. The answer to a lot of it is to simply have some patience. First, you are 22, and I'm guessing you are interested in girls the same age. Some of them, mostly the attention seeking ones, need time to grow up. They might not be ready for a serious relationship. As you get older, you will find more and more people ready for a serious relationship. The girls who are caught up in the fantasy of you also need time to grow up. They are looking for men who already have money "to wisk them away" or who are the bad boys. They'll get burned with a few of these guys, and eventually realize that the good guys are hard to find.

 

None of that helps you in the present. The last issue is your looks. I'll assume you are NOT vain, and truely are a nice guy. I admit that I have a bad habit of judging really good looking guys and automatically thinking they are out of my league and they tend to be jerks. I've experienced this often when growing up, either by being teased by the "good looking" guys, or watching their ego inflate so large that it was annoying to be around. It's one of my insecurities. That a really good looking guy would never be interested in me, or he'd only want me for sex, or he'd cheat on me. It's refreshing to see a guy like you who actually wants a relationship, and I've actually started meeting more men like you now that I'm in my 30's. It started opening my eyes that I cannot judge people so quickly now, and that maybe they're tired of the games too. The only advice I can offer is to keep being yourself, and if you find a girl you really like, one of those shy but insecure girls, keep showing the girl interest, to reassure her you really are interested. It might take her a little longer than other girls to open up and trust you, but if you really are interested, then give her some time to realize you simply are not like the rest of the guys out there.

 

As to the question about girls asking what you want in a relationship? Why dont you ask THEM what they want in a relationship? This will show them that you really are interested in a relationship and not a fling, and you will learn from them what they want, either a relationship or a fling. It's ok to want either one, as long as you both are on the same wavelength.

[Guest]

Do you only want women that are very attractive?

 

no, usually im into average girls. I find the ones with more personality much more attractive.

 

First, you are 22, and I'm guessing you are interested in girls the same age. Some of them, mostly the attention seeking ones, need time to grow up. They might not be ready for a serious relationship. As you get older, you will find more and more people ready for a serious relationship. The girls who are caught up in the fantasy of you also need time to grow up. They are looking for men who already have money "to wisk them away" or who are the bad boys.

 

For the most part, yes around my age. However i have nothing against dating women younger or older than me, mature women possess something that younger girls dont which is appealing.

 

I find that as i get older, it will be harder for me to find/meet single women. In my sense, the single women around my age/older than me either have baggage, or arent ready to settle down (be in a relationship) and want to date many many guys until they realize their biological clock is ticking.

 

They'll get burned with a few of these guys, and eventually realize that the good guys are hard to find.

Getting burned wises them up, but it also makes their wall higher..which relates to baggage.

 

I admit that I have a bad habit of judging really good looking guys and automatically thinking they are out of my league and they tend to be jerks. I've experienced this often when growing up, either by being teased by the "good looking" guys, or watching their ego inflate so large that it was annoying to be around. It's one of my insecurities. That a really good looking guy would never be interested in me, or he'd only want me for sex, or he'd cheat on me. It's refreshing to see a guy like you who actually wants a relationship, and I've actually started meeting more men like you now that I'm in my 30's. It started opening my eyes that I cannot judge people so quickly now, and that maybe they're tired of the games too.

it's good to hear a woman's POV.

 

The only advice I can offer is to keep being yourself, and if you find a girl you really like, one of those shy but insecure girls, keep showing the girl interest, to reassure her you really are interested. It might take her a little longer than other girls to open up and trust you, but if you really are interested, then give her some time to realize you simply are not like the rest of the guys out there.

I would if i knew the girl had the same intentions. Hence the reason why i find shy girls attractive as it takes time to pry in. But even so, there's nothing i can do to stop/avoid jealousy from happening. If i can go a day without a woman wondering who i'm talking to on the phone or be suspicious of what i'm doing on X day, then Im in the clear. Seems that jealousy/suspicion/cheating (similar in the sense of 3 intermingling) is the #1 killer of all relationships.

 

 

As to the question about girls asking what you want in a relationship? Why dont you ask THEM what they want in a relationship? This will show them that you really are interested in a relationship and not a fling, and you will learn from them what they want, either a relationship or a fling. It's ok to want either one, as long as you both are on the same wavelength.

 

I doubt i would ask a girl that as it would only encourage a fantasy-minded answer which is unhealthy for a relationship.

 

I recall once i was seeing this girl for about 4 months. I was all up and ready for a relationship, all her actions displayed the same answer. Yet she gave me some BS she wasnt ready for a relationship...which in reality i knew she wanted to keep me around AND keep her options open, so she wouldnt lose me entirely if she met some other guy.

And when she did meet someone, and i broke it off she attempted to contact me a couple motnhs down the line, and another couple months after that. Even at this point I still dont know what she wants because she can be manipulative.

 

However I won't place all my eggs in one basket because it's pointless and i now realize it's an unrealistic mindset.

[dgiirl]

I would if i knew the girl had the same intentions. Hence the reason why i find shy girls attractive as it takes time to pry in. But even so, there's nothing i can do to stop/avoid jealousy from happening. If i can go a day without a woman wondering who i'm talking to on the phone or be suspicious of what i'm doing on X day, then Im in the clear. Seems that jealousy/suspicion/cheating (similar in the sense of 3 intermingling) is the #1 killer of all relationships.

 

This is not entirely true. There are things you CAN do to stop/avoid jealousy from happening. If you talk with the girl, and are honest and up front with her, and reassure her you are only interested in her, and she's willing to listen to you, then you can help her feel less insecure. The guy I'm currently talking to is doing this, and I'm listening and watching and he seems really sincere with his interest. Atleast I know if things dont work out, it wont be because of my insecurity of not measuring up, but more because it just didnt work out. Which is refreshing

 

I doubt i would ask a girl that as it would only encourage a fantasy-minded answer which is unhealthy for a relationship.

 

You lost me here. How is telling someone what you are looking for in a relationship unhealthy? I'm not saying to tell her you're looking for a beautiful woman who will travel the world with you and wash your feet every morning. Tell her you are looking for a commited relationship (not necessarily from her at this very moment, but that's your end goal) as opposed to just a fling. Of course she can always sugar coat things and not tell you the real truth of what she's looking for. But if you are honest, normally others will respond with honesty. It's when you leave things vague that people misinterpret things and feelings get hurt.

[Guest]

This is not entirely true. There are things you CAN do to stop/avoid jealousy from happening. If you talk with the girl, and are honest and up front with her, and reassure her you are only interested in her, and she's willing to listen to you, then you can help her feel less insecure. The guy I'm currently talking to is doing this, and I'm listening and watching and he seems really sincere with his interest. Atleast I know if things dont work out, it wont be because of my insecurity of not measuring up, but more because it just didnt work out. Which is refreshing

 

My post before this one in the last paragraph, i did the same, i did my best to reassure her and i was sincere with intentions that i wasnt into a fling. I knew she had baggage, but i didnt realize it would hinder her. But no relationship is perfect, nor am i...i admit there may have been a thing or 2 i did to screw it up as did she. But it seems this only works with girls who are mature and want the same, doing this may backfire and gives them the upper-hand in power...maybe it did in my situation, i dont know.

 

If a girl will always be insecure in a relationship, NO matter how much at trying to secure her i do im just setting myself up for failure from the start.

Having one insecure party in a relationship will always be an unhealthy relationship. At some point both parties should reach a stage of 'comfort' that they trust each other and are secure.

 

 

You lost me here. How is telling someone what you are looking for in a relationship unhealthy? I'm not saying to tell her you're looking for a beautiful woman who will travel the world with you and wash your feet every morning. Tell her you are looking for a commited relationship (not necessarily from her at this very moment, but that's your end goal) as opposed to just a fling. Of course she can always sugar coat things and not tell you the real truth of what she's looking for. But if you are honest, normally others will respond with honesty. It's when you leave things vague that people misinterpret things and feelings get hurt.

 

no i was referring to your question about 'Why dont you ask THEM what they want in a relationship?'

 

Girls always sugar coat things, no one wants to lay all their cards out. I can be a vague person at times, but it doesnt mean i should be held solely responsible for it. The girl should be as responsible as me, at times i appear to take more of the consequence/burden for doing/saying something wrong.

 

A colleague of mine made a good point, he said 'you never know what someone's thinking'. People jump to conclusions too quickly. The girls that lack social skills never ask me, nor do they tell me, they assume. The ones that think more than they speak, one should remain wary.

[scobro]

I usually have women think I am a player type which is the polar opposite to who I am.I cannot stand bars now to meet women.Everyone is self absorbed and judgmental you strike out b4 your even up.

[scobro]

Do you only want women that are very attractive?

 

Yes:p doesn't every guy?.No guy says "i can't wait till I meet a butt ugly girl to be my girlfriend"

 

The problem is not every guy gets the very attractive women.

[dgiirl]

no i was referring to your question about 'Why dont you ask THEM what they want in a relationship?'

 

Girls always sugar coat things, no one wants to lay all their cards out. I can be a vague person at times, but it doesnt mean i should be held solely responsible for it. The girl should be as responsible as me, at times i appear to take more of the consequence/burden for doing/saying something wrong.

 

I'm not saying these girls have no fault in the situation at all. But you cannot control their actions, only yours. If you are being an open book and doing everything you can to reassure her, without enabling her insecurity, then you are doing the best you can, and it'll just take some time and patience. Unfortunately, a lot of it comes down to maturity. Plus it takes everyone time before they find the "right" one, so I dont think you're too different than the rest of us.

 

Being labeled a player has to do with your looks, but more importantly your dress and character. If you are flirting with every girl you meet, and like to flaunt your chest (*cough* sorry scobro , then my immediate thought would be player. Once people get to know you, they'll be able to determine your character and be able to see if you are or not.

[Yamaha]

They are looking for men who already have money "to whisk them away" or who are the bad boys

 

Girls your age are probably looking for fun and excitement, especially from a "bad guy". If you look like you might be that type and then you turn out to be a nice guy they might put you in the friends zone because they aren't looking for a nice, stable relationship.

 

You need to look for a mature gal your age or maybe a few years older. Older women know what they want and they usually don't play games.

[a4a]

Girls your age are probably looking for fun and excitement, especially from a "bad guy". If you look like you might be that type and then you turn out to be a nice guy they might put you in the friends zone because they aren't looking for a nice, stable relationship.

 

You need to look for a mature gal your age or maybe a few years older. Older women know what they want and they usually don't play games.

 

Yeah but an older/mature woman has no desire to deal with a guy that lives at home and is not together enough to be on his own or to have experienced life. Unless it is just for a booty call situation.

[sexy_T-Bear_ny83]

I have the same problem, Im 23 and consider my self attractive. wemon allways make al types of assumptions about people they don't evan know. also Were at this age 19-20somthing, you see and at this age you can consider us young lions. were developing our skills slash resourses. what i mean by this is that guys like us are all struggling with school and work and were all trying to astablish ourselves.

 

You'r probably like me and are attracted to wemon of your own age? See the problem for us is, and belive me i've anylized this. it's not you. Its Not the wrong signal your sending, it's not the way you carry yourself, it's not your look's eaither. It's just that {i know you ladies out there will biasedly disagree/lie to undermine the truth, but I'm gonna tell it like it is cuzz i know "and I'm tellin"lol}

 

Wemon at our age 19-20something realize that there at the hottest the'll ever be. Like you said most of the time they wanna use you for sex because thats all they see in you. There not gonna respect or stay loyal to you at this age because they are all looking for that older more "mature"{Big Bucks} 50 year old aka sugar dady to pay there bills and spend money on them while they still can. {shake what there moma gave them lol} There ganna argue this all day but you know the truth in your hart of harts. {would you have this problem if you owned a s500?}.

 

I know what you need brother. Your into slammin girls, cuzz you feel you deserve one. after all you said your atractive right? Why settle for less? do you need to go out with a fat obese girl to get some respect and loyalty? I've asked these question's to...

 

But i got good news! they will all change? Yes they will! you see, when they hit 30, the start to realize that there ass aint so perky any more. there brests are losing the amazing feel and rythmatic bounce. they dont look so great anymore in those tight little skirts and no more sugar daddys around cuzz there to busy abusing the newer stoke.

 

At this piont in time you'll be at your best. you'll be 30 and still good lookin,

all that hard work finally paid off your making it in this world. all of the sudden every girl your interested in, seemes to be interested back. No more mixed signals no more confusion. all of the sudden all the wemon in your life are "genuine" lol. they had there fun and are ready to take you seriusly! lol at this piont the ball is in your court what you do with it is up to you. Be a good guy get married to that girl who allways evaded you in the past... or take option B.....muha hah ahha

 

untill then take what you can get brother, Do your thing in school/ the Jobby. dont waste your time trying to get something good[meaningful relationship] from these young BIRDS lol. hey ladies dont get me wrong i know that there are some amazing young wemon out there but, if you meet one you'll know. if she helps you. if she's there for you. if she doesnt give you a f@#*in hard time and is allways positive and helpfull{allmost imposible to find} then take her seriusly.

 

I'm tired of all this crap, all of us men soul serching to find what wemon want... screw that! how about they get a f!@%in clue and be straight up with us.