Should I stay or go?

[Confused in Florida]

Hello everyone

 

This is an extremely thing hard for me to write, so excuse me if I go around in circles. My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now. I would say happily together up until about 1 month ago.

 

I got pregnant unexpectedly and it caused some issues in our relationship. I wanted the child, he did not. I ended up having a miscarriage so in the end it didn't really matter. Ever since though, he's been a little removed from me. Actually, maybe even a little before that.

 

It's been a couple months since he's even initiated sex.

 

I asked him today to please be honest about what was going with him and us. He tells me that when I got pregnant, it caused him to fast forward in his mind about a year to see if I was really the woman for him. If i was really the woman he could see himself with.

 

He says he can see that, but in his heart, he doesn't really feel it. He says he wants to be with me and loves me and does not want to lose me, but on the other end, he says it's hard for him to love completely and fully. He says he wants to love me so bad, but he isn't really able to. And that he hasn't been able to with anyone for a long while. He blames it on some girl that broke his heart 5 years ago.

 

He went to a psychologist on his college campus for about 2 months. The psychologist thought maybe at the time it was deeper than that, like past issues with his family...but they never went any deeper than that. He says now that he is willing to go to another psychologist with me to try and figure this out.

 

I'm just very hurt and don't know what to do. I love him very much. We have a good relationship. We are open with eachother, we have fun...there really isn't too much bad except this. Which is a pretty bad thing actually, but it's one thing out of 100 that could be wrong I suppose. I'm also very hurt that he's been lying to me.

 

Lying to me about our future that is. We had plans to move out to california the end of October this year. To move in together. We expressed our views on how we wanted to start our lives together out there, etc. Then he tells me today, that is all off. I am so angry that he's been telling me these things, getting my hopes up, when he's known in his heart that he's not completely in love with me. That is the hardest to hear I guess. When you are so sure and intent that your future is going to go a certain way... and then that person turns around and basically says "oh yeah, not gonna happen, cause although i've been telling you i want to spend my life with you... thats NOT really the truth".

 

His excuse for doing that? He wanted to see if he could work out the issues in his head on his own. I guess I can believe that, but it still hurts.

 

So, do I tell the man I CERTAINLY love, who doesn't certainly love me, goodbye? Based on the goodness of our relationship... should I pursue this, stick it out and go to counseling to see what we can resolve? I'd like to do the latter, but i'm scared his emotional scars might be too deep and the only one that will end up feeling pain and loss will be me after my investment of love and time.

 

Any advice from anyone is greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks

[ok]

Actually, a reality check for the both of you.

 

It is clear that he is not ready to be a father. He feels guilty about this response and doesn't want to hurt or anger you over this.

 

I think that unless he changes his mind about fatherhood he is not ready to settle down with you.

 

Do not move to another state with him until you get this straight with him.

 

He may love you to some degree, but he has found something lacking in your relationship.

 

But haven't you as well?

 

His reaction to your pregnancy and miscarriage speaks volumes.

 

You say you have fun together and think you are open with each other.

 

You know that this opnenness between the two of you is not what you think it is.

 

if it were, would you be turning to an anonymous message board for advice?

 

No, you would be talking to him about this very subject.

[confused in florida]

Thanks for your response...

 

Actually, we've been talking about this for hours today. I am just confused as to whether I should stay and work this out.from an outsiders view...is it really worth it? To me it is because I love him, but we all know love is sometimes blind.

 

Actually, a reality check for the both of you. It is clear that he is not ready to be a father. He feels guilty about this response and doesn't want to hurt or anger you over this. I think that unless he changes his mind about fatherhood he is not ready to settle down with you. Do not move to another state with him until you get this straight with him. He may love you to some degree, but he has found something lacking in your relationship.

 

But haven't you as well? His reaction to your pregnancy and miscarriage speaks volumes. You say you have fun together and think you are open with each other. You know that this opnenness between the two of you is not what you think it is. if it were, would you be turning to an anonymous message board for advice? No, you would be talking to him about this very subject.

[velvet]

Sure you can try to work this out. But I wouldnt invest too much feeling into it, after all this guy will not be there for you when you need him.

 

You were pregnant, he left! That means he wont be around for responsibility. Why give him your heart when he is bound to brake it. You say he is lier! Why spend your days and nights with someone who offers their future with you than says "oh by the way, I lied."

 

Its not true love! But I dont doubt there is some sort of love, after all your with each other. But would he still be there to raise a baby? Try asking him that!

 

 

 

Thanks for your response... Actually, we've been talking about this for hours today. I am just confused as to whether I should stay and work this out.from an outsiders view...is it really worth it? To me it is because I love him, but we all know love is sometimes blind.

[Tony T]

If you're looking for guarantees, love never offers them. There is no way of knowing where this guy's feelings will be in the future. Different people operate in different timeframes.

 

Love is always a gamble. Not only do you not control how the other person will feel in the future but you can never say for certain how you will feel.

 

If you're looking for guarantees, go fall in love with a washing machine because they don't come with humans.

 

Stick it out with this guy for as long as you feel comfortable doing so. And you are quite right, you do risk a lot of hurt if he ultimately doesn't make a committment to you.

[ok]

And they are absolutely sure they want to be there during the conception phase.

 

Scratch that, they want to go through the motions of the conception phase.

 

They may even tell you that they want to be there for other phases of pregnancy--while pursuing the conception phase.

 

But as soon as the rabbit dies, the reality of what to them was just making love (and all the necessary stories they have to tell the girl to make making love possible) hits like a ton of bricks.

 

So when they want to get away from this new source of responsibility they either have to waffle to the girl or liw to the girl or step of to the plate and accept responsibility.

 

The last choice is very hard for this lying type of guy.

 

Sorry to be so cynical, but I think you have been getting used.

 

Don't confuse your feelings and your perception of his feelings as a true indicator of his feelings towards you.

 

It's wishful thinking.

 

His actions speak the loudest.

 

BTW, please consider getting on the pill until you are married and ready in all respects to have children.

 

You're still figuring out life with unrealiable males.

Thanks for your response... Actually, we've been talking about this for hours today. I am just confused as to whether I should stay and work this out.from an outsiders view...is it really worth it? To me it is because I love him, but we all know love is sometimes blind.

[BeenThere]

Confused, perhaps I can offer you a different perspective here&

 

First, one should never look at any relationship or chance encounter in their life as "a waste of time" no matter the end result. True, we all have certain expectations, hopes and dreams. This is natural. But if we live our lives according to some stringent personal time clock, then we are only setting ourselves up for constant disappointment. Life -- and love -- just doesn't work that way. Goodness knows, we have all had our share of disappointments. People who have not lived up to our expectations&Relationships and friendships that did not end up "happily ever after." It's so easy for us to focus on the negative. To get into the mindset; that 'if I hadn't spent so much time here, that I could have been doing something better -- or that I could have been with SOMEONE better -- and my life would be so different.'

 

The reality is, we can never know for sure Life offers us no guarantees. Rather it gives us an opportunity experience all its trials and tribulations, all its beauty and joys, to learn and grow from the lessons we are able to take from it. And any time and energy we invest for the sake of LOVE&for the hope we can make our lives and someone else's better&is certainly not a "waste." Who knows where we would actually be if our lives had taken a different course? Can we really be certain that we'd be any better off?

 

Oh, oh! I am suddenly reminded of an Atanis Morrisette song&"Shove me in to shallow waters before I get too deep&"

 

I can tell you for certain, that in spite of your boyfriends faults, that he indeed LOVES you&at least the only way he knows how. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. His willingness to admit that there is an emotional block, and his eagerness to seek help, is the first step to recovery. Most people never even reach that point. If he didn't care about you&if this relationship wasn't as important to him as it was to you&he would have never suggested a councilor. It's obvious he wants the same thing as you do, he just doesn't know how to get there --- YET. But at least he seems to love you enough to try.

 

It's up to you now to decide whether you can be there for the long haul. Do you love him enough&are you strong enough? Maybe you don't even know right now&but is he still worth one more try? And if you take the risk, and it fails, will you be able to walk away without any regrets&knowing you gave it your best shot?

 

This is one of life's rare opportunities for you to 'choose' the direction you take. Make your decision carefully and don't look back. As Tony said, "Life is a gamble&"

Hello everyone This is an extremely thing hard for me to write, so excuse me if I go around in circles. My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now. I would say happily together up until about 1 month ago. I got pregnant unexpectedly and it caused some issues in our relationship. I wanted the child, he did not. I ended up having a miscarriage so in the end it didn't really matter. Ever since though, he's been a little removed from me. Actually, maybe even a little before that. It's been a couple months since he's even initiated sex. I asked him today to please be honest about what was going with him and us. He tells me that when I got pregnant, it caused him to fast forward in his mind about a year to see if I was really the woman for him. If i was really the woman he could see himself with. He says he can see that, but in his heart, he doesn't really feel it. He says he wants to be with me and loves me and does not want to lose me, but on the other end, he says it's hard for him to love completely and fully. He says he wants to love me so bad, but he isn't really able to. And that he hasn't been able to with anyone for a long while. He blames it on some girl that broke his heart 5 years ago. He went to a psychologist on his college campus for about 2 months. The psychologist thought maybe at the time it was deeper than that, like past issues with his family...but they never went any deeper than that. He says now that he is willing to go to another psychologist with me to try and figure this out. I'm just very hurt and don't know what to do. I love him very much. We have a good relationship. We are open with eachother, we have fun...there really isn't too much bad except this. Which is a pretty bad thing actually, but it's one thing out of 100 that could be wrong I suppose. I'm also very hurt that he's been lying to me. Lying to me about our future that is. We had plans to move out to california the end of October this year. To move in together. We expressed our views on how we wanted to start our lives together out there, etc. Then he tells me today, that is all off. I am so angry that he's been telling me these things, getting my hopes up, when he's known in his heart that he's not completely in love with me. That is the hardest to hear I guess. When you are so sure and intent that your future is going to go a certain way... and then that person turns around and basically says "oh yeah, not gonna happen, cause although i've been telling you i want to spend my life with you... thats NOT really the truth". His excuse for doing that? He wanted to see if he could work out the issues in his head on his own. I guess I can believe that, but it still hurts. So, do I tell the man I CERTAINLY love, who doesn't certainly love me, goodbye? Based on the goodness of our relationship... should I pursue this, stick it out and go to counseling to see what we can resolve? I'd like to do the latter, but i'm scared his emotional scars might be too deep and the only one that will end up feeling pain and loss will be me after my investment of love and time. Any advice from anyone is greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks

[midori]

... and if I'd realized the real lay of the land, I'd have been able to save myself a year and a half of grief and heartache.

 

A short synopsis: after a year together my boyfriend moved overseas to work. The long-distance thing was OK for the short-term but I knew it couldn't endure indefinitely without some kind of lasting commitment. My boyfriend, who said he loved me, who in many ways was all that was kind and generous and loving, was not able to make that commitment, because despite loving me he didn't "feel it in his heart" --- sound familiar. We spent months talking about it. Or rather, I tried to get him to talk about it and he came up with excuses, the best of which was "I just need more time." He got lots of time & patience for me. I even joined him overseas for a couple of months so that he could get a sense if we were right together. Meanwhile, I was utterly convinced that we were. But in the end he couldn't make up his mind, and has come back for a couple of encores, each time bailing and leaving me miserable.

 

He might well love you. But if that's the case, then clearly he's got issues with love. And that's not something that self-corrects. He needs to be in therapy, getting to the source of his doubts. He needs to be doing some serious, structured self-scrutiny. If he can't or won't then he'll never be right for you.

 

Don't let him make this about whether or not you're right for him. He is not right for you if you feel that he doesn't communicate with you, doesn't share with you, doesn't fully appreciate you. Think about that for a while. Think of all the little hurts you swallow, the slights you ignore, telling yourself that he doesn't mean it and he's just confused and needs patience and love.

 

We are all complicated beings. We all need patience and love. That includes you. Is he giving you any? Does he have a thought for your needs?

 

Here's my advice. It might sound harsh and extreme but in this instance I know whereof I speak: cut all contact with this guy for the time being. No matter how much it hurts you to do so. You will be hurt far more and for much longer if you allow him to continue to leave you in emotional limbo. Tell him that you love him but it's clear that he's not ready for the kind of relationship that you're looking for. Suggest that if he's really interested in getting over his difficulties with love and commitment, he'll get himself into regular therapy sessions ASAP, and he'll stay in therapy for quite a while. Wish him all the best, then say goodbye.

 

If he's got what it takes to get over this (and only he can get himself over whatever is holding him back) then he'll make the necessary steps. If he doesn't have what it takes there is no way you'd find a happy ending with him. At this point you've got nothing to lose by walking away, and much to save: your sanity, your emotional well-being, your prospects for happiness in the near future.

 

So many people said to me, "why are you asking about what's going on in his mind? Yours should be telling you that this guy doesn't even begin to love you the way he should. He doesn't make you happy. You spend hours everyday worrying over him. Get rid of him, he's not able to take you on." And they were so right. Where's the joy -- little scraps here and there? Is that enough? Are you paying today with the hope that tomorrow you'll reap the rewards of your patience and endurance?

 

I've got to get to bed now and this is long enough already. If what I've said touches on what you're going through, let me know and if you like I'll say more tomorrow.

 

But please stop putting this guy before your own basic needs. He wouldn't return the favor.

 

best,

 

midori

[witchbreed]

I liked Tonys post, you get some good advice there.

 

Here some more food for thought:

 

- You both are young, someone can love you, but not yet feel mature enough for parenthood.

 

- Your getting pregnant unexpectedly might have made him feel "trapped", he might be unsure if you wanted the pregnancy as a guarantee.

 

- He might even be the kind of person who will never want children, if thats the case, could you live with that?

 

- Him being willing, even suggesting to work his problems about commitement out in counseling, tells that he knows he has got a problem there and is willing to work on it. That shows too, that your relationsship must mean a lot to him neverless.

 

- Going for counseling is no guaranty that he will overcome those problems, so yes, you might get hurt in the end.

 

- Love is the most potent and beautiful thing on earth, but even with true love on both sides, one day, at least one will get hurt - at the very latest when the loved one dies. So there is never love without any hurt.

 

- If you are sure about your love and he is willing to work on his problems, ask yourself, are you willing to take the gamble, is the possible outcome worth the risk.

 

- I dont think he was lying about moving, but sometimes one does change ones mind. I guess he wants first to work his problems out, having realised them through your pregnancy and his reaction to it, and then there is the time to really decide on the future. Its too early now.

 

Wish you luck.

[Karlee]

I certainly know how you feel, been there....

 

Have you talked with your b/f as to why he feels like this???

 

My b/f of five years now felt this same way we had been going out for about a year and he told me that we were only friends and that he could never love me or anyone or that he would never move in with someone and I thought that it was me that was the problem. Turns out that many people in his family and passed away and he had experienced so much hurt that he did not ever want to love anyone again, so get to the real reason .....I am sure that it is not you, if you have an open relationship talk to him, let him make you understand what is going on with him in his life...maybe the pregnancy scared him because he thought that he would be responsible for taking care of another person, one that is totally dependent on him and you and maybe this was more than he could handle. I was going to move on and split up with my b/f but after I realized what the real issue was I stayed and things finally started to change. I quit nagging him to move in with me and to be more than friends and soon after he came around and told me that even though it was really hard he got the courage to tell me that he loved me (he said he felt this all along but was scared to suffer another loss, because everyone that he had ever loved had died like his parents and relatives and past girlfriend that he wanted to marry)

 

Give him time to open up...and after you have given him some time so where things are going....

 

Eventually if things do not change you might have to make up your mind about what it is that you want in life even if it means hurting each other...but one day you will find true love...I had been in several abusive relationships and just wanted to give up on being happy and loved and just when I quit looking for love, I found it and we have been together for about five years now. Best of luck and love to you....and take care