Does texting count as cheating?

[backwardsattraction]

My SO has been out of town on business for 2 weeks now and I'm tired of it. Anyways this guy I used to be interested in before my ex returned to my life started texting me tonight. I was bored and whereas I usually ignore the texts he sends now and then, I decided to reply. It was friendly at first then got a little flirty. Nothing more. Now I feel a little guilty and confused. Is that wrong or harmless?

 

what you did was totally harmless. dont even worry, i am sure he talks with other women. its natural to talk to other people, the opposite sex or not.

[littlekitty]

I think it's the fact that you don't consider having sex with someone else to be cheating because you didn't plan it or intend for it to happen that gives people the impression that you don't feel guilty about it. Most people consider it cheating if you have sex with someone else regardless of whether you were drunk or whether you planned it or whatever your reasons for it.

 

That you don't acknowledge it as cheating - even though your boyfriend would certainly consider it cheating since he didn't know about it and ok it beforehand - makes people think that you just dismiss the sex as inconsequential and don't feel guilt. It seems like a form of denial, pretending that you didn't have sex with someone else even though you did.

 

NJ is exactly spot on. I still can't believe you deny you cheated by sleeping with someone else! Relying on a dictionary definitions to try and get yourself off the hook is surely childish to say the least?

 

With regards to the texting. Yes, also 'cheating'. While it's not within some peoples ideas of cheating, it would no doubt upset your SO if he knew about it. You feel guilty about it.... therefore you have your answer... it was wrong.

[a4a]

You're obviously very immature to simplify it like that. I never said anything slipped in. Listen, it's intentional vs. unintentional i.e. accidental. I was intoxicated and not in the right state of mind to make any decisions. If you sign a contract and you are drunk, it doesn't count in court either. There was no premeditative planning or consent with a clear head. It was an A C C I D E N T not cheating:sick: . I hope you people get it by now, or maybe it'll take another month and a dozen additional explanations until it suddenly sinks in?

 

Definition of cheating: To deceive by trickery; swindle, mislead, fool.

 

Got it? I didn't do any of those things.

 

Lies by omission are quite misleading to the person you are misleading. Now the perp may consider it not cheating but the victim certainly would consider it trickery, misleading, and making a fool out of them. And exposing him to potential STD's....... which is trickery by not telling him he could have gotten a death sentence because of your actions.

 

More so you did post a premeditated plan to pin a pregnancy/child on your bf that was not his. (that is by far one of the worst things you could ever do to another person)

 

Because of that you made your character known to readers. You may have to post 1,000 more posts to get people to believe in accidents.

 

The best solution to all this is for you to come clean about everything with the bf and split up and get your life together before entering another relationship.

[catgirl1927]

I think maybe you're not ready to be in a relationship. Or you're not happy in the one you're in.

 

However, there are some guys on this site who will LOVE your definition of cheating.

[littlekitty]

However, there are some guys on this site who will LOVE your definition of cheating.

 

Sure will!!

 

Cheating: Sleeping with someone other than your partner only when fully sober, and not by accident.

 

I'll sumbit to Oxford English Dictionary....

[CelloGirl]

Ok- so i'm clear on your argument. You slept with this other guy, but because you were drunk and didn't plan on having sex, this does not conform to a dictionary defintion of cheating- therefore you did not cheat on your boyfriend?

 

But if it's not cheating, why do you have to hide it from your boyfriend? Obviously because he would consider it cheating, and you want to protect yourself.

 

If a crime is committed which requires intent on the party committing the crime (as you claim cheating requires intent)- being drunk does not negate the required intent. This is because you (or the acting party) chose to get drunk. Unless you were drugged, it was all your free will which got you to the point of sleeping with another man, whether you intitially intended to or not.

 

You slept with another man, didn't tell your boyfriend, and now he's out of town on business and you're texting this guy again?? You are being really selfish and immature. Your boyfriend really deserves to know the type of person he is dating so that he can move on with his life.

[Fun2BMe]

Because of that you made your character known to readers.

 

And "guest" oops a4a, you make your character known to me at least with all of your bitter, useless mean remarks to all of my problems, so what's the point of giving me your 2 cents? Did I move forward with pinning him with anything? No! Obviously you've never been in the unfortunate situation I was in so you don't know how to be compassionate. Instead you try to put me down at a very painful time when I was desperate and needed support and good advice. So I'll let you keep your comments to yourself. If we all were to work on ourselves to be superhumanly perfect before getting into a relationship, there wouldn't be a single relationship in the world.

 

But if it's not cheating, why do you have to hide it from your boyfriend? Obviously because he would consider it cheating, and you want to protect yourself.

I've lost track of how many times I've said this, but the reason I haven't told him is to spare HIS feelings. He is in love with me and would forgive me, especially when he sees how horrible I have felt about it and how it happened. I obviously know him and was with him for many years prior to him coming back into my life recently. It would make ME feel better too to tell him and get it off my chest, but I know he will be very hurt for reasons he doesn't deserve to be. If I had intentionally done it then by all means I'd tell him. He'd probably try to harm the guy too for taking advantage of me while I was drunk and I don't want any problems for anyone just because I was drunk.

 

And another clarification - the person I was texting is not the same person I had sex with. The person with the sex was a friend I went to see while upset at my bf. The person I texted was someone I was interested in prior to my ex popping back into my life and talking me into getting back with him.

 

Anyways, I think I will know how to handle my situation. I think most are out to try to be more unhelpful than helpful. So anyways! Moving right along.

[alphamale]

I think most are out to try to be more unhelpful than helpful. So anyways! Moving right along.

oh, text dirty to me, baby...

[Fun2BMe]

oh, text dirty to me, baby...

 

As soon as my batteries are charged

[a4a]

Did I move forward with pinning him with anything? No! Obviously you've never been in the unfortunate situation I was in so you don't know how to be compassionate. Instead you try to put me down at a very painful time when I was desperate and needed support and good advice. So I'll let you keep your comments to yourself. If we all were to work on ourselves to be superhumanly perfect before getting into a relationship, there wouldn't be a single relationship in the world.

 

I am indeed showing a huge amount of compassion for the poor man in your grips who nearly had his life destroyed by your accidental sex and desire to lie to him and tell him a child that is not his was his...... where is your compassion for this man?

 

 

I've lost track of how many times I've said this, but the reason I haven't told him is to spare HIS feelings. He is in love with me and would forgive me, especially when he sees how horrible I have felt about it and how it happened

.

 

No you are sparing yourself the chance of him telling you to take a hike. Which I do not have a doubt in the world he would do if he really knew who you were and what you plan behind his back...... like forcing him to raise a child that is not his...... or screwing other men accidently.

 

You seem to be able to convince yourself that you are indeed doing the right thing. Good for you.

[CrushedOrgans]

Definition of cheating: To deceive by trickery; swindle, mislead, fool.

 

Definition of accident: an undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally and usually results in harm, injury, damage

 

 

okay...so you had an 'accident', one that would result in harm and damage, and you use cheating, i.e. trickery, misleading, fooling to cover up the harm and damage.

 

i hate to tell you this, but even when something really is accidental, it doesn't mean that it never, ever happened. if you sign a contract when drunk, it doesn't hold in court, this is true...but it doesn't mean you didn't sign the contract, it just means you did not make the decision clearly. if you shoplift while high on crack, you still shoplifted, you just did it under the influence of something. if i drop a vase and it breaks because i'm a bit tipsy, it doesn't make the vase unbroken. see a trend here?

 

in any case, for whatever reason, you slept with an ex and are secretly flirting with a former interest. are you into you boyfriend at all?

[Fun2BMe]

Life is not black and white,and neither are relationships. Look at all the breakups and divorces. People are obviously doing everything wrong and everyone seems to be doing the same things over and over. If you think about it, I am saving the relationship over something that is harmless. Why make someone obsessed over the idea that I was with someone, when it means absolutely nothing? Life is too short to cause someone UNNEEDED misery. If I was at fault I would be fair to tell him. I beg you to do some meditation and reallythink about this concept until it sinks in then you will discover one of the secrets to a successful relationship which is sacrifice.

[Fun2BMe]

i hate to tell you this, but even when something really is accidental, it doesn't mean that it never, ever happened.

 

What exactly do I say never happened? I am not denying I had, or more correctly, he had sex with me. It wasn't cheating. Look at the definitions and use the terms correctly to label what happened.

 

No you are sparing yourself the chance of him telling you to take a hike. Which I do not have a doubt in the world he would do if he really knew who you were and what you plan behind his back...... like forcing him to raise a child that is not his...... or screwing other men accidently.

You live a sheltered life without complication. My 'plans' were thoughts that a desperate situation put in my head that I didn't act on. Should someone who merely thinks about something be accused of it? I know you have the perfect marriage with no problems and certainly no situations like the ones I have recently been going through. That doesn't mean you sit on a pedestal and pass off your stupid judgements. And one man is not men. You make it seem like I sleep around, when it was one isolated incident that occured while I was with someone I thought I could trust to comfort me at a painful time who took advantage. I really don't expect you to understand but don't think you are better than those who have problems. You sound like the stuffy cold nuns from Catholic school who are clueless on emotions and human tragedies.

[whichwayisup]

he had sex with me. It wasn't cheating

 

You had untentional cheating sex with him. You didn't plan on cheating, but it's still cheating. It was unplanned and not thought out, it just happened. But, it was still a choice...

 

If your BF did that to you, had "unintentional" sex with another woman, would you feel hurt, betrayed, angery, jealous? I think you would, just like anybody else would in that situation...I know you didn't mean it to happen, but it did.

 

I hope that things get better and as for the online chat, just stay away from the men in your past. No need to make matters worse and stress yourself out.

[alphamale]

You had untentional cheating sex with him. You didn't plan on cheating, but it's still cheating. It was unplanned and not thought out, it just happened. But, it was still a choice...

there is no such thing as unintentional sex or relationships. one must make hundreds of concious decisions before these things occur.

[whichwayisup]

What i mean is, she saw the ex, with no intentions (no grand master plan) to have sex with the guy. They drank and ended up having sex. To her bf, that's going to count as cheating.

[Fun2BMe]

You had untentional cheating sex with him. You didn't plan on cheating, but it's still cheating. It was unplanned and not thought out, it just happened. But, it was still a choice...

No, it was not a choice. I never said "hmmm, why don't I choose to have sex with this man." I was drunk and it happened. I didn't plan anything deceptive, I did not cheat, period.

 

If your BF did that to you, had "unintentional" sex with another woman, would you feel hurt, betrayed, angery, jealous? I think you would, just like anybody else would in that situation...

As I've posted before, if it was that meaningless and unintentional, I would rather he spare me from unnecessary and unneeded pain over something that means nothing. If it was something that happened more than once, that's different. But an isolated meaningless unintentional incident while on top of it intoxicated? There's already enough misery in the world. This does not merit any attention. No wonder there are so many breakups that would otherwise be salvagable if everyone doesn't run and tell their SO everything that happens when it won't directly effect them.

 

 

I hope that things get better and as for the online chat, just stay away from the men in your past. No need to make matters worse and stress yourself out.

One more clarification, it wasn't online chat but phone texts. Like I said I usually ignore it, but it seemed harmless asking what I was doing and so on and I was bored. I'm sure everything will be ok although I am getting mad that he's away for so long and haven't returned his calls in the past few days. He was supposed to return today but all of a sudden he has to stay a few more days. Maybe I will end up leaving him. I don't want to be with someone who travels as much as he does, leaving me to think of what he might be up to. I hate that agony.

[Art_Critic]

I would rather he spare me from unnecessary and unneeded pain over something that means nothing.

 

I think your BF might think it means something

 

I think you need to come clean with your BF...

I would want to know if you were my GF

 

you have to know that he will think it is cheating.. otherwise you wouldn't be so hard in your stand to not tell him..

[Fun2BMe]

What i mean is, she saw the ex, with no intentions (no grand master plan) to have sex with the guy. They drank and ended up having sex. To her bf, that's going to count as cheating.

 

Again, it wasn't with an ex. It was a friend, a male friend who I turned to because I was upset at the bf. He asked me over to talk to and help to console. He offered me many drinks to get my mind off my problems and then proceeded to have sex with me. I have zero feelings for this man and no longer am friends with him. Why should my bf suffer at the thought of me with that idiot? He is very intelligent and understanding and I know he will not be upset at me and in fact not even find me at fault to have to forgive. He might even feel bad that because of him I had to go through that. So why torture him by placing that image in his head? I have too much compassion to do that to him. I have a strange feeling AM gets where I'm coming from.

[Fun2BMe]

you have to know that he will think it is cheating.. otherwise you wouldn't be so hard in your stand to not tell him..

 

To stereotype all sexual encounters outside a relationship as cheating is extremely destructive to society. Sadly most of you will never get that and will continue ending relationships needlessly over and over again for various reasons that could be avoided.

[whichwayisup]

No, it was not a choice. I never said "hmmm, why don't I choose to have sex with this man." I was drunk and it happened. I didn't plan anything deceptive, I did not cheat, period.

 

It IS a form of cheating, a one night stand, intentional or not, is STILL cheating. Unless the guy raped you......

 

I can see you are looking at this from a clouded POV, so I can't open your eyes here to what's really going on. That's OK, but if your bf finds out, he won't "get" your logic and justifications.

 

As I've posted before, if it was that meaningless and unintentional, I would rather he spare me from unnecessary and unneeded pain over something that means nothing.

 

But again, a one night stand, is just that. And that's still cheating when you're involved with someone else...

 

If it was something that happened more than once, that's different. But an isolated meaningless unintentional incident while on top of it intoxicated?

 

One night stand...UNintentional...Still a form of cheating. I don't get why you can't see that? If you were married with children, and your spouse (let's pretend here) found out, IT Would cause problems, hurt, pain etc...Hiding it only makes it worse, too.

 

There's already enough misery in the world. This does not merit any attention. No wonder there are so many breakups that would otherwise be salvagable if everyone doesn't run and tell their SO everything that happens when it won't directly effect them.

 

When it comes to having sex OUTSIDE the relationship it DOES require attention. Intentional or not. If my husband or if I had unprotected sex with someone else, by accident (not planned, like it "just" happened kind of sex as you put it) he would freak and so would I. Please don't justify it, Fun. You're smarter than that, and only making excuses is making it worse. One day you'll regret not telling him...

 

Fact is, if you're this unhappy with him, with him travelling, him on adult sites, having pix of OW, whatever, end it. He isn't meeting your needs and isn't making time for you that you want.

 

I don't mean this harshly, but your last few relationships haven't been healthy ones, so your mindset really isn't clear.

[Fun2BMe]

Why don't you all please forget that episode because every time I post a problem, someone has to bring in the past and the thread turns back to this old issue which is over with by now.

[whichwayisup]

He offered me many drinks to get my mind off my problems and then proceeded to have sex with me.

 

Then that is RAPE, my dear.

 

Did you two use protection? If not, get a pregnancy test done.

[Art_Critic]

To stereotype all sexual encounters outside a relationship as cheating is extremely destructive to society. Sadly most of you will never get that and will continue ending relationships needlessly over and over again for various reasons that could be avoided.

 

My father cheated on both of my mothers (step and real ) and one of my sisters was an illegitimate child born from an affair..

 

To have to witness the pain he caused from his sexual encounters outside of his relationships was tragic.

He has altered or effected literally over a dozen lives with his encounters and caused a tremendous amount of of pain in those same peoples lives.

 

You are on a very slippery slope as we speak.. if you think cheating is fine as long as they don't know..

[whichwayisup]

Why don't you all please forget that episode because every time I post a problem, someone has to bring in the past and the thread turns back to this old issue which is over with by now.

 

Fun, you know I mean well, no cruelness from me, k...But it seems you didn't give yourself time to really heal...

 

The past has a way of following us at times, especially when it comes to new relationships, bad habits, patterns etc...

 

It's the type of men - ones who are really LOVING you and treating you the way you deserve, and trusting the wrong types of people. NO male friend of mine (and I can guarantee this too) would EVER think of giving me drinks (I don't drink anyway) and then taking advantage of me. It just wouldn't happen...I wouldn't let it happen. PERIOD, so there would be no "accidents."

 

Unless the guy forced himself on you, then charge him with rape.