a4a Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 Have you wondered that maybe his frequent trips may be to visit someone else as well? Things don't make a whole lot of sense. The reason he will only allow BJs too could be because he is only having actual intercourse with another women. Many men consider a BJ similar to masturbation where intercourse involves emotion/desire for that person for some men. I don't know if that has changed or not. But thinking that if he is doing such things it is a possibility indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 Yes, from some of the other posts on the other threads I was beginning to think about that, which has been very difficult to deal with. As a result I have not been calling him at all and have rarely been answering and returning hsi calls. I think he is sensing something is wrong which is why he cut his trip short. I made an excuse not to pick him up from the airport and was planning on making another excuse so not to see him tonight as was planned. He called and left me 2 messages after midnight saying he has just finished settling in and I was not even tempted to talk to him. I am beginning to believe that there must be another girl if he is traveling so much and has switched things to only bj/no intercourse. I had a hard time just talking about the sexual issue with him, but now with my suspicions that he might be developing a relationship with someone else, I feel I can't talk about it because everyone thinks I've already cheated so who cares, but it is still painful because I had an encounter once unintentionally while drunk whereas he is flying out for weeks at a time so obviously what he has is meaningful. So I am feeling sick to my stomach and was crying all day and am angry he contacted me to start seeing me again. Things were going great in the beginning but things changed very quickly. It's weird how while he was away on his trip and initially I would still have long phone conversations with him, he would talk about looking forwardd to having 'intercourse' with me and I would be sitting here rolling my eyes thinking wtf is he talking about after how the sex has been. Now that he senses I am pulling away, he is making it sound like how special it is going to be to see me and all that but I can't let go of the thought he might be two timing me and I don't want to go through questioning/trying to figure things out. I don't like dealing with it at all and would rather end things abruptly. I just hope that my hunch isn't wrong.Anyways, I'm just pissed off, hurt and confused right now. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 god why don't you leave him. You don't trust him. He is looking at live web girls. While his is away traveling you cheated on him and texted another guy. It seems to me that whenever he is gone you get lonely and paranoid about what he is doing and seek comfort in men. either flirty texts or otherwise. it is not good and doesn't maek a good relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 I wonder if the reason for the BJ's is because he suspects she cheated but can't prove it.. So he distances himself sexual to protect himself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 Why not just have an honest conversation about the relationship. Where it's going, how he feels, how you feel? Lay it all out on the table. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 Why not just have an honest conversation about the relationship. Where it's going, how he feels, how you feel? Lay it all out on the table. Because she likes the comfort of not having to actually confront problems. She'd rather slide around on her belly, free to act as she wants while she uses her accusations and assumptions as a shield against the wrongs she commits. All the while pointing fingers at everyone else for why her life sucks so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 So you, along with everyone else, (except a couple of exceptions that I think don't really agree with me, nothing personal guys) think that I should tell him everything. Then he will think I have feelings for some guy and wanted to have sex with him when it meant nothing and I didn't want to. Then I'll have to spend the rest of the relationship convincing him that it was nothing. He will finally believe me because I am always honest with him. Then he will always have the image of me with the other guy and be hurt by it. Why put him through all that? It really doesn't make sense on how it would improve the relationship, especially considering it was not cheating. It will be of no benefit to him or me so what is the point? What is the positive aspect of telling him? NOTHING! Name one positive thing that will come out of it? There is none. So it's almost as though everyone is telling me to ruin the relationship. Here's the part you're missing in this scenario: there is a reason why you ended up having sex with that guy. The reason isn't because that guy meant something to you. It's because there was and is something in your relationship with your bf that made you very unhappy and very insecure and made you feel like crap. You aren't honest with your bf about how you feel in this relationship, and how his actions directly lead to you feeling bad all the time. You never address that with your bf. That's why you need to put him through all that - or put him through something so he doesn't think he can treat you like a doormat for as long as he wants to. You don't have to spend the rest of your relationship convincing him it was nothing. It was something. It was you acting out of unhappiness and insecurity and anxiety about your relationship with your bf. You can't improve your relationship by continuing to swallow the bitterness you're feeling. The positive aspect of telling him would be to make him aware that YOU aren't happy and that YOU won't choose to accept his behavior. If that means you'll end the relationship, you'll be stronger for it - he's a guy who's obssessed with some online stripper chick, who doesn't make any attempt to satisfy you sexually while demanding that you satisfy him all the time, and who laughs at you when you are insecure about him maybe seeing other women on his trips. You wouldn't have ruined this relationship by telling him you had sex with someone else. The relationship isn't good to begin with. You're selling yourself short. Link to post Share on other sites
arniebuteft Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 Hon, I think you have some serious problems that need therapy. You shouldn't be in any kind of a romantic relationship until you get your head straightened out. Oh, and stop trying to convince us that you didn't cheat when you had drunk sex with a man who wasn't your boyfriend. Everyone on planet Earth except for you would call this cheating, including your BF. If you're in denial about that simple fact, I really feel sorry for your BF. You'll break his heart and you won't even understand why. But the rest of us will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 I really feel sorry for your BF. You'll break his heart and you won't even understand why. But the rest of us will. And why have I listed about a dozen+ times the reason why I'm not telling him? So I don't hurt him (same as breaking his heart). So you are the one who doesn't understand the situation, but it's not your fault. Maybe I'm not explaining things clearly. He had called 4 times today so I finally called back planning to say I won't be seeing him.First I said I wasn't feeling well but he spent time on the phone to chear me up. Then insisted "so what time will I be seeing you tonight" so I finally gave in to see him, but my heart is not in it and I need the strength to end things. I can't help but suspect he might be cheating with all his trips and the web cam fiasco. Link to post Share on other sites
Rubber_Chicken Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 I can't help but suspect he might be cheating with all his trips and the web cam fiasco. Maybe he is just having drunken sex with one night stands and not cheating. you are a real piece of work, girl you need therapy and I do hope you end it with him. It does seem though that you are going to blame him for the breakup instead yourself, shame on you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 Why would it be my fault? If he wasn't providing reason to suspect that he's cheating, then things would still be working out between us. If I had multiple incidents of the drunken one, then of course it would be a problem. If he had a one time accident I would not hold it against him either. But the problem is that I am worried he is actually cheating - intentionally being intimate wtih another female on more than one occassion. I hope I am wrong about it. I will find a way to bring up this concern to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 Maybe he is just having drunken sex with one night stands and not cheating. you are a real piece of work, girl you need therapy and I do hope you end it with him. It does seem though that you are going to blame him for the breakup instead yourself, shame on you OMG I'm dying over here.....:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted September 30, 2006 Share Posted September 30, 2006 Definition of cheating: To deceive by trickery; swindle, mislead, fool. Got it? I didn't do any of those things. Definition of Cheating: S: (adj) adulterous, cheating, two-timing (not faithful to a spouse or lover) "adulterous husbands and wives"; "a two-timing boyfriend" http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=cheating It doesn't matter if you consider it cheating. You won't tell him because you know he would consider it cheating. If he considers sleeping with another guy cheating then its cheating. Drinking is no excuse. Using it as an excuse is a cowards way out of facing the consequences of their actions. Link to post Share on other sites
arniebuteft Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Definition of Cheating: S: (adj) adulterous, cheating, two-timing (not faithful to a spouse or lover) "adulterous husbands and wives"; "a two-timing boyfriend" http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=cheating It doesn't matter if you consider it cheating. You won't tell him because you know he would consider it cheating. If he considers sleeping with another guy cheating then its cheating. Drinking is no excuse. Using it as an excuse is a cowards way out of facing the consequences of their actions. Dude, I think you're just talking to a blank wall. She doesn't get that what she did was wrong. Feel sorry for the BF. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Dude, I think you're just talking to a blank wall. She doesn't get that what she did was wrong. Feel sorry for the BF. I can't believe this thread is still in progress, the points made here seem absolutely mute in her head. Regards, Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 Here is a quick update for those who may be interested. I saw him after his trip. He took me to a special restaurant to celebrate our time together for when he returned. That evening I was planning on getting it all out and telling him what I did and all that. Looking at him across the table looking so happy to be with me, I imagined all the unnecessary explaining and heartache that would unfold from a simple sharing of info, how in a matter of moments things would be hard on him. I thought it best to permanently put that behind us. We were having problems in the sex department too which has been resolved. We finally had intercourse after months of a cold spell where he only wanted oral. I am speaking up more so that has helped. I guess the bottom line is that things are much better between us. He has been introducing me to all of his closest friends and family. He doesn't see me Saturday nights though. I don't know what exactly he does or who he spends it with, but I figure I have him Friday, Sunday and almost any day of the week that works, except Wednesdays and Saturdays for some reason he is 'busy'. I find that a little odd but I don't want to be too demanding and controlling by having him all the time. So there, that's it. I don't consider the text as cheating, and I think things are back to normal finally. Thanks to everyone for their feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Looking at him across the table looking so happy to be with me, I imagined all the unnecessary explaining and heartache that would unfold from a simple sharing of info, how in a matter of moments things would be hard on him. I thought it best to permanently put that behind us. And your signature says it all..... ~Ignorance is bliss. For your sake, I hope this is true. I believe that you have the "power" to lock away these incidents...good or bad. My concern is ...is that good? Just a question or two...certainly not meant as criticism. But please think for future, honesty is the best policy. It makes for an easier life. Link to post Share on other sites
re-searching Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Please clarify - you said he was the ex before the trip right. I scanned, there are a few pages & I may have missed some of your details If that is the case & you BOTH thought of each other as exes, then there is no need to tell at this point of reconciliation. But you may want to tell him yourself b4 someone else does. I agree that timing is everything. You both should be able to discredit it in hindsight. (For some reason - I do not think this is the case here.) It all revolves around where each of you thought you were at the time in the relationship. If you both agree that you were broken up & destined to be back together. You should be able to overcome what happened during that time. 'Cause you got back together right - that is all that matters. Now on the other hand, if he did not feel like there was a breakup - he will see you as a cheater. So was the break-up clear? Did he really just have to go out of town & would be missing you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 Please clarify - you said he was the ex before the trip right. I scanned, there are a few pages & I may have missed some of your details If that is the case & you BOTH thought of each other as exes, then there is no need to tell at this point of reconciliation. But you may want to tell him yourself b4 someone else does. I agree that timing is everything. You both should be able to discredit it in hindsight. (For some reason - I do not think this is the case here.) It all revolves around where each of you thought you were at the time in the relationship. If you both agree that you were broken up & destined to be back together. You should be able to overcome what happened during that time. 'Cause you got back together right - that is all that matters. Now on the other hand, if he did not feel like there was a breakup - he will see you as a cheater. So was the break-up clear? Did he really just have to go out of town & would be missing you? He was an ex for 2 years until we got back together. The incidents happened after we got back together. His trips are for business so not a matter of did he have to go. Anyways, sometimes it's best to keep info to yourself. I mean everyone you meet has baggage. What's the point of volunteering the info? Link to post Share on other sites
pray1 Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 my So has been texting an ex boyfriend-lover and he has been sending pictures of himself i.e fishing , told me bout this tho and showed me the pic . Any thoughts on this would b helpful as i think its uncool ! Link to post Share on other sites
arniebuteft Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Fun2bMe Why do you even post on LS - you don't listen to anyone's advice, and you flaunt your dishonesty like you're doing your BF a favor by sparing him the messy details of your cheating. If you really cared about this man, you'd be honest. Doesn't all of the deception ever bother you? Do you just assume he's hiding incidents of cheating from you too, so it's OK on both sides? Link to post Share on other sites
Buttaflyy Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 If I were to stick to the topic here, I'd say that I don't think her texting was what you can actually call cheating. Does she need to find a better way to deal with being lonely? yes. I don't know much about the history here, but screwing another guy is definitely cheating and F2BM, you really should try and be a bit more honest with yourself. The BF doesn't sound as if he needs much sympathy either. Something is just not right here. I'd bet if you both were honest with one another you might realize that you probably shoulda remained exes. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 My SO has been out of town on business for 2 weeks now and I'm tired of it. Anyways this guy I used to be interested in before my ex returned to my life started texting me tonight. I was bored and whereas I usually ignore the texts he sends now and then, I decided to reply. It was friendly at first then got a little flirty. Nothing more. Now I feel a little guilty and confused. Is that wrong or harmless? Well you feel guilty so it's not harmless - for YOU. I am more worried about the power your BF has over you though. You are not quite happy with the relationship so you do things out of anger, boredom, and frustration. Then you feel bad. He is toxic for you and you have to find a way to turn to yourself and get over him. The urge to cheat means that something is wrong in your relationship. Then you do something "harmful" behind his back and feel like you got back at him for what he does to you. Concentrate on fixing the problems in your relationship, if possible. Don't seek temporary outlet for your hurt feelings just to hurt yourself some more. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 my So has been texting an ex boyfriend-lover and he has been sending pictures of himself i.e fishing, told me bout this tho and showed me the pic . Any thoughts on this would b helpful as i think its uncool ! You can't stop people from fishing. Receiving compliments will always be "in" and by judging him for this or calling him insecure or unfaithful, you will only make him do things behind your back, cuz he will be afraid of your reaction. So he sent her pics and messages, so what? As long as he is honest with you, let him be. He wouldn't cause YOU problems for a behavior like this. There are many things in a relationship that mean nothing to them and a lot to us - the jealous ones. We end up suffering for nothing. We should just learn to let some things go and concentrate on our relationships and how our guys treat US, not others. Link to post Share on other sites
pray1 Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 You can't stop people from fishing. Receiving compliments will always be "in" and by judging him for this or calling him insecure or unfaithful, you will only make him do things behind your back, cuz he will be afraid of your reaction. So he sent her pics and messages, so what? As long as he is honest with you, let him be. He wouldn't cause YOU problems for a behavior like this. There are many things in a relationship that mean nothing to them and a lot to us - the jealous ones. We end up suffering for nothing. We should just learn to let some things go and concentrate on our relationships and how our guys treat US, not others. He has been contacting her ,she knows it bothers me . why would a ex lover of her,s contact my girl ? nothing to do with trust told her looks like he,s still has feelings for her, she said he contacts her not her contacting him. A RESPECT thing to me ! p.s we have beeen talking about getting a house together , so the relationship is serious . peace Link to post Share on other sites
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