What does she want from me?

[breal]

Hello everyone. This is going to turn out to be a little long, I apologize for that.

 

Just a little backround on me and the ex.

 

Me - 23, grew up in a "normal" family, as society would see. Middle class neighborhood, played sports from 4 all the way through high school. Other then the given rebelious ways of kids, I wasnt much of a trouble maker. Have to mention, I am white...which will be part of the story later on.

 

Her - 19, grew up in a poor(er) neighborhood, was abused sexually/physically/mentally from a young age, to today. Her mother stayed with her step father (her sisters real dad) for 5 years after the molestation because "She didnt have any where else to go". She first used cocaine at age 13, which her mother introduced her to. Never really had a steady father figure in her life. She is a mix of black/white/mexican.

 

We met about 5 years ago, Xmas time. Our families are somewhat intertwined. We met over Xmas, when a my ex was living with her aunt(not blood related) who is my sister in law. I ignored her, she was too young, and quite annoying. Made it obvious she had a little school girl crush on me, but I ignored her. We parted ways after a week, and didn't speak again.

 

Last summer I lived with her aunt for a few months, and my ex came up to visit on a whim. From the minute she got out of the car, she came right into my arms. It was like we'd known eachother our whole lives. She had grown up so much, into an absolutely STUNNING young woman. We instantly hit it off, and spent the weekend together, talking, laughing, cuddling. She opened up to me that weekend, told me about her past abuse, what she had been through, and how she had thought about me over the past couple years, and wondered how I had been. The weekend ended, she cried and cried, I promised I'd keep in touch (We were living 5 hours apart).

 

Sure enough, the following weekend I was down in LA visiting her. Stayed a couple days, we had a BLAST. She took me out, showed me LA (Im from the Midwest and hadnt seen much of anything lol). Her birthday was coming up in Oct, so I planned a weekend for us in the Bay area. Got a hotel, we went to a friends Halloween party, walked all over the city. She broke down crying the night of her birthday, telling me no one had every done anything like this for her before. Which, stunned me, because this girl is no joke, gorgeous. After her bday, i brought her back home...and went back (Now 7 hours away).

 

2 days after her bday, her selfish, drug abusing b*tch of a mother kicked her out. (They butt heads constantly, and had gotten into a fight over my ex's past child molestation). My ex called me in tears, asked me to come get her, told me she was sick of being there and wanted to live with me. At the time I was back living with my mother, talked to her about it, and my mother agreed she'd be better off here. So, I drove the 7 hours, we packed her things, and came back here. I helped her get her GED, she got a fulltime job, and I helped her get her drivers lisence. She actually seemed happy for a change. Even sat down with my mother and told her how relieving it was to be in a drama free inviornment.

 

I took her back to the Midwest over the holidays, she met my father, who she fell in love with. Met all my friends, we had a great time. She saw snow for the first time. When we got back, she expressed how much she loved it there, and how we shoudl start saving our money and move back there. I agreed. Well, late March her grandfather was involved in a freak accident, and I rushed her back home to see him. I stayed with her for a week, while he was barely holding on, and decided to come back home to give her time alone with her family. 2 weeks later, she called and asked me to come back, that she needed me, and her grandfather was going to pass soon. I didn't hesitate, I drove back down, and was there for her through all of it.

 

After the funeral, we sat down and talked. I could tell she was really needing her family at this time, and told her I understood if she wanted to move back down there. She told me she wanted to, but wanted me to move with her. After talking for hours, I agreed. We came back here, packed up our stuff, spent Easter with my family, and moved in with her mother (Big mistake).

 

Within the first night of being there, her and her mother get into it. Instead of fighting til she's blue in the face, like she usually would, my ex got up, and walked out of the house. Her mother tried following her, yelling at the top of her lungs, I told her to leave her alone. For once this girl stands up for herself, and walks away, yet her grown ass mother tries to follow her like a puppy dog to continue on. Not to mention there's a 10 yr old in the house, seeing all of this.

 

So on and off, they had their blowouts. Me and my ex got fulltime jobs, and agreed to our original plan, to save for a few months and move back to my homestate. She broke down a couple nights, telling me how no ones ever loved her like me, how she finally realises her family doesn't care about her, and how she's just ready to get out, and start a new life. Things are going strong between us, like they always had.

 

This brings us to the whole race issue. Her mother is half white, half mexican. She looks WHITE, but only dates black men. She won't date a guy over 40, and all of her little bf's are in their early 30's, wannabe rappers, that dont work. She'd have these guys over 2-3 am, while her 10 yr old is still awake. She's a piece of work to say the least.

 

Well her mother has always said about me "I like him, he's a good guy, but I just dont think he's right for you" becauuuuuuuuuse I'm white, LOL. No joke, she doesn't like me, because I'm white. Which is fine, everyone has their opinions. But even my ex told me "She doesnt like you because she sees me happy, and shes not herself". When I was at work, she'd constantly hound my ex about me. "Why are you saving your money for him" "Youre 19, you should be out partying, not working fulltime" "Stay here, i'll get you into school" blaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

 

So to cut a long ass story a little shorter. My ex breaks down one night, telling me she wants to stay there. I tell her I wont live like that, and neither should she. She tells me she wants to stay, I tell her I can't, she convinces me to have this "long distance relationship". So, I end up leaving. 2 days after Im gone, she calls, breaks down, telling me she made a mistake, she should of never let me leave, and wants to come with me again. OK

 

After a week, i get a call she's enrolled into school down there, we break up. NC from both sides for 1 week after the break. I'm not gonna lie, it killed me inside. I put my neck out for this girl all the time. And did whatever I could, to put a smile on her face, and make her life a little happier. She finally ends up calling, and we start limited contact.

 

For the first 2 weeks, she's constantly ?'ing me. About who im hanging out with, what girls im talking to, what am i doing, etc. At first, it was funny, then it got to the point it frustrated the hell out of me. I mean she broke up with me, but now its my fault? No sir.

 

So after 2 weeks, I sent her a long heart felt letter. Pretty much saying I love you with everything, but I cant be your friend right now, when my feelings go away, i'll make sure to let you know, she calls, I tell her to get online and read what I sent very carefully. (It also stated if you dont want to get back together, dont contact me). 30 mins later, the phone rings. She's choking on her words, crying. I dont say a word, she hangs up. Next day, she calls back and says "So what, you're going to walk out of my life like everyone else" I put her in her place real quick, telling her not to put a guilt trip on me, and she KNOWS im like NO ONE in her life. We talk for a while, she keeps insisting she's just stressed out, and doesnt knwo what to do right now, but really wants to keep talking. I feel bad, and give in.

 

So for the next two weeks, she does all the calling. I dont initiate anything. She continues with her 20 ?'s. For the most part, we laugh, joke around like usual. Finally I start getting fed up with the ? game, and do the same thing (about 5 days ago) send her another letter like the last.

 

Well, Im taking a job filming a movie with her aunt next month. So I'll be staying there til late Nov, my ex knows this. She gets that letter, does the same thing...calls me the next morning with "So, where do you want me to send your stuff" "Well ahh you lived here for 5 months, you have the address, so what's the real reason you're calling". She finally opens up, tells me she was hurt that I didnt want to stay there, that she felt like she needed to take advantage of her "teen years". How I never wanted to go out to parties (Why would i want to go to house parties with a bunch of underage drinkers). Tells me she was sick of her mom constantly talking crap, etc. So I finally say "You wanna know what, I dont want an answer from you now, think about it til Im done with this movie, then I want to see you and see how things go" she agrees.

 

SOOOOO, this brings us to 2 nights ago. When she knows Im going out, and wont be home til later she always says "Dont forget to drunk dial me", cuz I always act like a fool, and make her crack up. So 2 nights ago, I phone her at like 2 am. She picks up, so does her mother, my ex tells me she's sleeping and she's going to go. So we hang up...

 

I'm online a half hour later, my ex gets on. She NEVER gets online period. Tells me she tried calling back, but it was busy, and wants to talk to me. I call her...and within 10 mins we're both in tears. Talking about her grandpa. I never personally met him, but I felt like I knew him from all the stories I was told, and I knew how much he meant to my ex. Then she starts telling me how much she misses me, and get THIS...says "Why did you agree to move down here, why didnt you just say no, I would of came back with you". I had to have her repeat herself, cuz I was in shock. I didn't want to move back down there, because of the situation with her and her mother, I did it for her.

 

She's in tears talking about that. Having me listen to love songs telling me how they remind her of me. Starts crying saying how her bday is coming up and how special I made her feel last year, just all this random stuff. How before I came into her life, she was in this shell. How she was completely insecure, and how after I came into it. I opened her up, showed her how beautiful of a person she is, etc. Then said, the day I left, she went right back into her shell. The conversation ended at 6 am.

 

She calls this afternoon, we talked for a while. Got online, exchanged some pictures, then she talked to a friend of mine I had over, while I was getting ready. He said to her "You're making my boy take forever to get ready" she asked where we were going, he told her. I get back online and tell her I gotta take off, she says "I swear if I find out youre with any girls we're going to fight", I laugh it off, like usual. And that was that.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, It would of been a lot longer I left a lot out lol. But this is the jist of my story. I love this girl to death. And whether we end up together or not, I will be a part of her life again. I'm just soooo confused. I dont understand all this stuff she's been saying lately. If she's trying to make me feel guilty? If she's feeling guilty?

 

Its not my fault she's feeling the way she is now. She made that choice, and I respected it. It's just, we still say I love you a million times on the phone, she's constantly telling me how "shes not over me", always bringing up past memories, its confusing me.

 

I know none of you can get inside her head, and tell me what's going on. But any advice, opinions etc would be greatly appreciated. I dont want to go about doing all this in the wrong way.

 

Thanks a lot.

[norajane]

Advice - tell her to get some serious psychotherapy and not to contact you until she's been going for several years.

 

She is messed up and is dragging you around along with her neuroses.

[breal]

Thanks for the reply Nora.

 

She knows, as well as I do she needs extensive therapy. Her mother took her out of it at a young age, for whever reason. She was going to get help when we were living here, then all of this stuff happened.

 

I just can't see myself completely shutting the door on her, for "several years". I know I myself can't fix her, she needs to do that on her own. But even if we DONT work out, after the feelings subside, I will be there for her.

 

She doesn't have a foundation of support, at all. So walking away, completely doesn't seem fair. I know its not fare for her to put me through all of this either, but I cant help to think she's just extremely confused.

 

Any other opinions would be great.

[breal]

I don't want to sound like an ass, but 90 views and only 1 reply?

 

I'm really in a tough spot, and would appreciate any advice I could get.

[Guest]

I don't want to sound like an ass, but 90 views and only 1 reply?

 

I'm really in a tough spot, and would appreciate any advice I could get.

 

the only person that can fix her is her; not you or the doctor. All you or the doctor will be doing for her is just giving her different solutions to fix the problem. it is ultimatley her choice as to whether or not she wants to be better. that will come with time.

 

she is saying i love you this and that but bottom line she is still where she is in ca. has she said that she wanted to come back? do not be decieved. she is young. you still being there while she is making her decision is just giving her comfort. you need to give her the gift of missing you.

 

when she is out partying, like she wanted, and all these different guys are trying to get in her pants and using her, she will eventually relize that all of that will get old. when her birthday comes and all those guys that she ****ed dont call her or acknowledge her presents that will remind her of what was important in her life, and that was you.

[breal]

I'm not "there" persay. She is 7 hours away from me. And expressed to me a couple nights ago, "Why did you agree to move down here, I would of moved back with you". Which was a hard desicion in its self. Before I agreed to live in that **** inviornment, she told me "If you say no, I will go back with you". And she wasn't lying.

 

So that's where the "what ifs" come in, and beat at my head daily. I know her biggest reason now to stay there is because her 10 yr old sister is in the house. Which is understandable, but still not an excuse.

 

Funny you should say that Guest. Because I, and a lot of other people (her family) have said the same things. I know the type of people she hangs around with, and it wouldnt surprise me if she once again got sexually abused, or seriously hurt. Just wish I didn't have to sit by and watch all of this unfold.

 

She's mentioned me "coming to visit" a couple times in the past 2 weeks. Which hasn't been brought up since our break up early Aug. She won't go into it too much, she'll just mention it a coupel times in a convo "Well you guys should come visit, it'd be fun". But then its like she gets nervous and changes the subject real quick.

 

I know it'd be extremely hard for her to see me right now. Because she wouldnt be able to hide her feelings behind a voice/the phone. The last time we saw eachother, was the day I left. And it took a good 5 hours to even go. She couldn't stop crying, and wouldn't let go of me. It was one of the hardest things Iv'e ever had to do. And a part of me wishes, I would of just stuck it out down there, instead of being selfish.

 

It's been 2 months, and its funny how this second month has been harder on me than the first. The first month I had no problem not picking up the phone, we'd go 3-4 days without talking, and I was fine. Now- if I dont hear from her 1 stinkin day, i get to wondering, I miss her more than ever. Then she'll call the nexy day with "Why didnt you call me yesterday", like its a game to see who will call who first. She's initiated 95% of contact since the break.

 

I'm starting to think about NC, but from what Iv'e read about NC, it's about moving on. I dont know that Im ready to move on. Not because Im weak, and can't find someone better. I don't want anyone better. We still have this foggy "relationship" going on. She won't say she's single, and tells me she'd be heartbroken if I did. It's weird. I just can't help to feel that something is still there, and come late Nov when we see eachother things will be a lot clearer.

 

Its just the fact of if I can wait til then. I miss her incredibly, I worry about her, I worry about her sister. The only time I ever new for a fact she was ok, was when I was with her. And that hurts. I know its not my responsibility, but I cant help but feel that if you love someone, and you didnt have a rocky break (cheating, abuse etc) isn't it worth it to try and make it right?

[Guest]

Man, you should probably move on. Just do NC, and find a stable person in your life. You can't save this chick, only she can save herself. Trust me, the more you hang around, the greater the chances are of you getting hurt. I've been there, tried to help my ex out, she was abused repeatedly, but in the end, she treated me like crap---because thats the only way she knows how to deal with things. Just move man, before it is too late.