Should I be content with NO birthday gift?

[BabyPhoenix]

My boyfriend and I have been in an LDR for more than a year. We plan on being together as soon as possible, getting married, having babies together – the whole enchilada, as it were.

 

Recently, it was my birthday. And I got absolutely no acknowledgement from him about it, save some happy birthday greetings. I do not expect anything of monetary value, as we don’t have much money and are trying to save. But something would have been nice. A small note, an e-greeting, an e-mailed mp3 – something to say that he values me and loves me, and that it mattered to me that I was born.

 

Am I wrong in feeling hurt that he didn’t think of me? Were my expectations too high? How would you react to a similar situation?

[superconductor]

If he had no idea that it meant so much to you, then your expectations were obviously incorrect.

 

It's water under the bridge now, so there's no point in getting upset over it. Just take it as a lesson in communication: If you want something, ask.

[ShoeGirl]

I think you are completely right in thinking the way you are... it was your birthday and he didn't acknowledge it. I would tell him that you were hurt by the fact that he didn't do anything and that you didn't know if he forgot or what. Everyone deserves their SO to do something for thier birthday.

[BabyPhoenix]

If he had no idea that it meant so much to you, then your expectations were obviously incorrect.

 

Ok, I can buy that argument on some level. But what I put forth is: is it not generally expected/accepted practice in “western society” to make your SO feel special on his/her birthday? Is this a new or isolated concept that is not the generally accepted norm?

 

(I have had several boyfriends before and none of them have ever failed to acknowledge birthdays in some special way.)

 

It's water under the bridge now, so there's no point in getting upset over it. Just take it as a lesson in communication: If you want something, ask.

 

I can see the validity of your argument. But I offer again: The point in getting upset over it now is to prevent a lifetime of future upset year after year.

 

I also believe that a gift is something that is not asked for. “Please clean up after yourself” “please pass the salt” “please earn an income” – those are things that you can ask your partner in a relationship, and communicate about. But, I argue that asking for a gift is wrong. A gift should be something given out of love, generosity, and the want to give – not out of being pressured to give, or even being asked. In my mind it diminishes almost entirely the emotional value of the gift, because it is essentially no longer a gift: it is an obligation. And something given as a result of emotional manipulation is a thing I have no interest in receiving.

 

I think you are completely right in thinking the way you are... it was your birthday and he didn't acknowledge it. I would tell him that you were hurt by the fact that he didn't do anything and that you didn't know if he forgot or what.

 

He didn’t forget. He never forgets dates. He just didn’t do anything for it.

 

Everyone deserves their SO to do something for their birthday.

 

That’s what I thought too….

[superconductor]

Ok, I can buy that argument on some level. But what I put forth is: is it not generally expected/accepted practice in “western society” to make your SO feel special on his/her birthday? Is this a new or isolated concept that is not the generally accepted norm?

Fair enough.

 

In some families, birthdays aren't a big deal. In others, they are.

 

I highly doubt that he let the day slip by just to irritate you. His reasons are probably much more benign than that.

 

So communicate with him. Not as a victim, but as a responsible adult that wants to make expectations clear.

[magichands]

Recently, it was my birthday. And I got absolutely no acknowledgement from him about it, save some happy birthday greetings.

Happy birthday (belated).

 

You know what? I think it is how you are treated each and every day that counts.

 

But he didn't even sing to you over the phone?! Really??!!

[CrushedOrgans]

it would probably mean more to you because you're in an LDR, so neither of you gets to do the little, everyday things for the other.

 

unfortunately, your boyfriend is not on the same level of thinking as you on that one. make it known, and then you can really be mad if he does it again.

[rina_r]

Women seem to put much accent on the B-day thing. Remind him, or just forget about it. It is no big deal.

[alphamale]

the majority of "LDRs" are imaginary relationships so its stands that the gifts presented in such relaitonships would also be imaginary.

[CrushedOrgans]

the majority of "LDRs" are imaginary relationships so its stands that the gifts presented in such relaitonships would also be imaginary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[magichands]

the majority of "LDRs" are imaginary relationships so its stands that the gifts presented in such relaitonships would also be imaginary.

Sadly, LDRs don't have a monopoly on the imaginary.

 

PS:

My opinion is that long distance relationships are just parodies of the real thing.

And I agree with neither of you, haha.

[BabyPhoenix]

Fair enough.

 

In some families, birthdays aren't a big deal. In others, they are.

 

I highly doubt that he let the day slip by just to irritate you. His reasons are probably much more benign than that.

 

So communicate with him. Not as a victim, but as a responsible adult that wants to make expectations clear.

 

SC, you are right. I appreciate the frank advice, and I will try to follow through with it.

 

Happy birthday (belated).

 

You know what? I think it is how you are treated each and every day that counts.

 

But he didn't even sing to you over the phone?! Really??!!

 

You are very right in that is does matter about the everyday, and he is awesome. And definitely noooo singing. Although I did get a birthdaycake icon in IM.

 

it would probably mean more to you because you're in an LDR, so neither of you gets to do the little, everyday things for the other.

 

unfortunately, your boyfriend is not on the same level of thinking as you on that one. make it known, and then you can really be mad if he does it again.

 

You right, the meaning is probably largely exaggerated because of the distance. But I would like to think that when we are together permanently, it will be special then too.

 

Women seem to put much accent on the B-day thing. Remind him, or just forget about it. It is no big deal.

 

I don’t know if I agree that it is a gender thing. I think it probably has more to do with upbringing and beliefs etc. For example, if I had forgotten or not acknowledged my previous bf’s birthday, he would have been extremely upset. This was not because birthdays were highly valued in his family: quite the opposite. He made birthdays a big deal because he wanted to feel like he was special, because his family never made him feel that way.

 

Also, if I felt it was no big deal, then it wouldn’t have bothered me.

 

the majority of "LDRs" are imaginary relationships so its stands that the gifts presented in such relaitonships would also be imaginary.

 

I think I will dismiss as irrelevant all advice that comes from someone who has no capacity to in fact sustain a long term, meaningful relationship of any sort. Please don’t presume to know me or my relationship based solely on the fact that there is distance involved.

 

 

Sadly, LDRs don't have a monopoly on the imaginary.

 

PS:

 

And I agree with neither of you, haha.

 

[alphamale]

I think I will dismiss as irrelevant all advice that comes from someone who has no capacity to in fact sustain a long term, meaningful relationship of any sort.

what do you mean BP?? I've dated a number of women for more than a month or two....and I was also married for 3+ years.

[magichands]

what do you mean BP?? I've dated a number of women for more than a month or two....and I was also married for 3+ years.

That's a relief...I thought that she might have been talking about me. My relationships generally pass in the night.

[justagirliegirl]

It is common courtesy to acknowledge your so's birthday. If you find out the birthday isn't important, then you don't do so much. If you find out it's a big deal then you respond accordingly.

 

Birthdays are important to me.

 

My bf knows this. We have have 2 birthdays together so far. The first one was great. He spent all day with me and was so sweet.

 

The 2nd one, he claims he forgot but I'm not sure I believe that as I reminded him a couple days before and then on my birthday mentioned it and he STILL didn't even say Happy Birthday to me. No gift, no ecard, no nothing.

 

It hurt me really bad and it has damaged our relationship. He knows I was hurt but didn't do anything about it. I don't think he realizes how much it damaged our relationship.

 

I used to enjoy buying him gifts but not now. I usually send him nice gifts on his birthday but I don't think I will anymore.

 

I don't believe in the no big deal attitude. If it is a big deal to the person having the birthday then the so should do something special regardless of their own personal feelings about birthdays.

 

After all it isn't their birthday is it.

[Steff_a_nie]

the majority of "LDRs" are imaginary relationships so its stands that the gifts presented in such relaitonships would also be imaginary.

 

You obviously have no idea what you're talking about and for those of us in here that are in LDR's i can assume that we all disagree with your statement. Its unfair of you to presume things in which you have no facts or knowledge.

[beccak]

in a word no!!!!!!!!

 

he says he loves you yet didnt even get you a card that is totally inconsiderate and totally unacceptable.

[magichands]

he says he loves you yet didnt even get you a card that is totally inconsiderate and totally unacceptable.

Totally. But I think he should have sung for her. (Have you seen the price of cards these days?!)

[mental_traveller]

Birthdays are a silly contrivance IMO, just like Xmas and Valentine's day. It's how you act 365 days a year that matters, not whether you buy some bauble or pay a pittance for a card and put it in a letter box.

 

Also, just because something is "accepted" in western society, doesn't mean it's right or that there's any truth or meaning behind it.

[justagirliegirl]

Birthdays are a silly contrivance IMO, just like Xmas and Valentine's day. It's how you act 365 days a year that matters, not whether you buy some bauble or pay a pittance for a card and put it in a letter box.

 

Also, just because something is "accepted" in western society, doesn't mean it's right or that there's any truth or meaning behind it.

 

Do people remember your birthday?

[Steff_a_nie]

Birthdays aren't about gifts but if he knew how much it meant to you then no, you shouldn't be content with no birthday gift. On the other hand, if he didn't know how much it meant to you, then you shoud be content without one. Either way, you need to talk to him about the whole situation so you can make it clear to him how you feel.

[SoleMate]

is it not generally expected/accepted practice in “western society” to make your SO feel special on his/her birthday? Is this a new or isolated concept that is not the generally accepted norm?

Certainly, it is so common as to be the norm. There are many people who don't conform to this norm, either in beliefs or practices.

 

A gift should be something given out of love, generosity, and the want to give – not out of being pressured to give, or even being asked. In my mind it diminishes almost entirely the emotional value of the gift, because it is essentially no longer a gift: it is an obligation. And something given as a result of emotional manipulation is a thing I have no interest in receiving.

Well, this is a little more subtle. "Asking" is not "pressure" is not "obligation" is not "manipulation". I'm a member of western society and I find great pleasure in gifts that I have asked or hinted for.

 

You're welcome to have your own rules, or even to assume that a common practice is a universal practice. Just look where it leads you though. Your bf appears to be on a different page. Either birthday gifts aren't important to him, OR he isn't particularly concerned with pleasing you, OR he decided to be frugal because he thought that was what you wanted and he is trying desperately to please you.

 

What are you looking for...a Loveshack ruling that your boyfriend is in the wrong? Can't help you there. I rule against the plaintiff...she has violated the unwritten social norm that requires her to communicate with her partner about her needs, rather than requiring him to guess and getting snippy and sarcastic when he gets it wrong.

[Guest]

Ive been with my LD bf for almost two years. He's given me music stuff that he doesn't want anymore for my birthday and Christmas gifts. He has rejected the gifts I've given him (even a handmade scarf) because he didn't need or want them, or they weren't on his 'list.'

 

I was hurt but let it roll off. I even told him I'd like it if he gave me something I could wear to remind me of him. He told me he usually has given his gf's a small gift of earrings or something after dating for a couple months. I guess I don't rate.

 

I've been swallowing th is stuff for along time now, hoping it will change. I think Im being a fool.