No desire - our issues!

[luvstarved]

dwh,

 

It sounds as though your H isn't giving you any clear message as to where he wants to go with this...you started out saying that you were reading and actively working on your relationship...didn't that take some cooperation from him? Now it sounds as though he is trying to hammer into your head that he has no desire left for you and that nothing is going to change that.

 

I think that the only thing you can really do is take him at his word and decide what you want to do with this information. If I were you, I would make a point of letting him know that you regret your past actions (assuming he only wanted sex from you and rejecting him/taking him for granted) if you haven't already. I would also tell him that from what you have read, if a couple is motivated and if they ever "had it", they can get it back. If he doesn't "buy" any of that, then you just have to decide whether you can live with a sexless marriage.

 

There is a chance that if you let the issue slide he may change on his own eventually. It is possible he is feeling pressure about it all right now. On the other hand, it may never change.

 

When I had this problem with my H, he definitely was evasive and uninterested and pressured. But the D word turned him around! We are still a work in progress, but it did get us "over the hump" so to speak. What I did after that first big talk, was tell myself that I was going to try to just let it go and see how he responded and that I would give the issue 6 months and make a decision then. I didn't have to decide on ability to live in sexless marriage, I knew I could not, I just had to wait and see whether he would come around.

 

Since it is getting you nowhere talking about it, and IF you feel that you have already made all your feelings clear, I would try just dropping the subject and give it time to brew/fester as the case may turn out to be, keeping in mind a strategy to follow (accept or leave) if things don't change in some reasonable time frame.

 

I really sympathize and wish you the best. Keep us posted.

[dwh]

Well, You were all right. While I completely trusted my H when he said he wasn't having an A, I found out last night that he is. He left the house three days ago. I am so hurt and angry!!!! She does not live in state, and he still denies it is an affair. Just a friendship. That has lasted for months and involved more and more frequent contact. Sounds innocent enough, right? Can you sense my sarcasm?!? I don't even know where to go from here. I am just so angry!

[JamesM]

You have my sympathy for your situation. My guess is that he did NOT and does not consider it an affair, because in most people's minds an affair includes sex.

 

This does explain why emotionally he was detached as well. I am guessing that he was excited to hear from her and inwardly he carries alot of anger towards you. This EA may simply be a result of his anger rather than a love for her. At some point he will probably be back when he realizes that she isn't everything he fantasizes she was.

 

What to do now? Since you do not have children, do not make a hasty decision one way or another, but now he MUST in my opinion start courting you all over again and show that he can be trusted. He must be an open book to you. And he must assume no contact with this other person. Due to your anger and his infatuation, I am willing to guess that if this happens it won't be for awhile.

 

Although I have not had your pain, I can imagine this is hard for you. Please hang in there...many people here can give great support...that I do know.