Arent we too young for this??

[RubyRedhead]

I am 25 years old and am marrying a man I love very much. Our relationship is wonderful in everyway except for our sex life. My future husband is 30 years old and has been having erectile difficulties over the last year and a half ( pretty much the whole time we have been together ). He will not go see a doctor or counsellor to address the problem and claims that it must be related to stress at work etc and that maybe with time it will resolve. He claims he has no interest in any aspect of sexuality and denies going to strip clubs or looking at porn. It has not resolved over a year and a half and yet he still does not try to get to the heart of the problem. At this point he takes a viagra pill occasionally and afterward we have completely unpassionate sex if you can even call it that. If I bring up the issue he gets very angry and accuses me of putting pressure on him and making the problem worse. He also seems to question my love for him because I wish that sexual intimacy was a part of our relationship.

My problem with the issue is that I am 25 years old and have never experienced a safe and loving relationship to enjoy sex. My fear is that I will never be able to because I am getting married and in a sexless relationship. I love him and I want to marry him but I wish we could figure out what is causing this problem. If he truly has a medical problem such that sex isnt possible I think I would be more willing to give up an aspect of the human experience for the rest of my life. I am less willing to do so if this is a fixable problem and he just isnt interested in having a sexual relationship with me. He has had pleasant sexual experiences in the past with other people....why cant I experience that in my life?

If I marry him are we headed for divorce....will I regret giving up that aspect of my life if he never tries to fix the problem. I would appreciate advice from people with experience in this area and life experience in general because lets face it ...at 25 what the hell do I know...

 

Thanks:(

[superconductor]

RR, any problem like this before marriage - be it big or small (no pun intended) - will automatically get worse after marriage.

 

I have no doubt you love him, and I have no doubt that you want the best for him and yourself, but I also have no doubt that if this isn't resolved, you're in for years, maybe decades, of heartache and sexual frustration.

 

His ED could very well be stress related, but then again it may be organic. (Is he an avid bicycler, by chance?) It needs to get checked out, first by a physician to rule out any organic dysfunction (like high blood pressure, problems with arteries, etc.). If that all comes back negative, then the next step would be some sort of counselling or therapy.

 

But this needs to be fixed before you make a life-long commitment.

[luvstarved]

I wholeheartedly agree with superconductor. DO NOT go into this marriage with such a huge issue already on the table. Your fiance might wish to make it seem as though you are being crass for the fact that this is important to you but don't fall for that. Sexual fulfillment IS important and the lack of it nearly destroyed my marriage. It can cause performance anxiety to push the subject too hard but his lack of willingness to address the problem leaves you with little choice.

 

I would tell him that you do love him very much but that finding a satisfactory resolution to this issue is a PREREQUISITE to marriage. Assure him that you are not insisting on any particular outcome but that you need to know what you are dealing with. My H did not address this issue until I threatened divorce (I was not really just trying to give an ultimatum but just knew I could not continue in a sexless marriage) so maybe he needs to understand just how critical this is. But don't buy any suggestion that you are a sex fiend because this matters to you. It should matter and you are right to insist on finding answers.

[norajane]

Oh no no no no no! You do not marry a man who will not make love to you in any way! First of all, ED problem or not, there's nothing wrong with his hands or his tongue, so he can most certainly give you pleasure. That he isn't even willing to try to do so is a huge red flag. Second, if he won't make any attempt to find out what exactly his problem is by talking to a doctor, then his problem isn't going to get better or go away on its own. He needs to address this issue, and if he doesn't, that's another huge red flag - what will he do when other issues in your relationship come up? Hide his head in the sand?

 

You will forever and ever regret not having a loving, and HOT sexual relationship with your lover if you marry this man. And yes, you will divorce or you will have an affair and then divorce. Either way, you're setting yourselves up for failure and misery, so take care of this while you still can.

 

You tell him that you are a healthy, sexual woman and you want to have a healthy sexual relationship with the man you're going to marry and be with the rest of your life. Tell him that is not a negotiable point for you. Suggest that he's harming himself by not dealing with this, and it's very likely that a doctor can help him. If he's so childish as to be too embarrassed to talk to a doctor, then he's too childish to be getting married.

[Mirage222]

Don't marry him. Heck people have a hard enough time with this subject with no problems... yours will sure get worse after marriage.

[bluechocolate]

You tell him that you are a healthy, sexual woman and you want to have a healthy sexual relationship with the man you're going to marry and be with the rest of your life. Tell him that is not a negotiable point for you. Suggest that he's harming himself by not dealing with this, and it's very likely that a doctor can help him. If he's so childish as to be too embarrassed to talk to a doctor, then he's too childish to be getting married.

I agree & with the previous posters as well.

 

Marry this man at your peril.

[Green]

You probably wont even want Sex that much after one year of marriage and then everything will work out. If this is the only problem I say go ahead and marry him.

[DSD1972]

Wow - I know many of us that have encountered this problem well into our marriages would have never ever got married if this was a problem prior to marriage without it being fully addressed. Many will say that marriage can often kill a womans sex drive but many will also completely disagree.

 

You are basically gambling with your future happiness and the stakes could never be higher. You need to really think about this. Your fiance needs to take personal responsibilty for his problem, let go of his pride for a moment and discover the underlying problem before you tie the knot.

 

Never ever ever get married with the expectation that a "need" you have now may go away a year after marriage. Something really to think about is if your fiance is unwilling to address problems now what will he do once your married when other problems arise. We have all seen red flags before and this is a big one. This may be medical but his refusal to address it is the bigger problem.

 

Address it NOW or be prepared to suffer the consequences later.

 

Good Luck !!